First broadcast 14th August 2019.
Jon Richardson
Lolly Adefope
Matt Forde
Morgana Robinson
Ryan Macdonald
Jon Richardson
Lolly Adefope
Matt Forde
Morgana Robinson
Ryan Macdonald
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00MUSIC
00:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worry of the Show, where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:38and file them away neatly for future reference.
00:40To paraphrase the old children's song, if you're happy and you know it, we probably
00:44won't get along.
00:45This is my Worry Index.
00:47It's home to millions of worries, all of which have been categorised and ranked following
00:51decades of thorough analysis.
00:53This week we'll be looking at some brand new worries, all of which are related to the
00:56theme of...
00:57The future.
00:58I mean, the future used to be something people got excited about, but that tells you everything
01:07you need to know about the world.
01:08Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about fake news, fake faces and space nukes, and
01:14at the end of the show I'll be confronting my biggest worry with some aversion therapy.
01:18Now before we crack on with the show, please welcome my guests for tonight, Morgana Robinson,
01:22Lolly Adefope and Matt Ford!
01:24Lovely to meet you.
01:29Lovely.
01:30So we're here to discuss worries.
01:39Anything worrying you in particular at the moment, Matt Ford?
01:42My weight.
01:43I'm worried I'm too thin.
01:44I've put on so much weight I'm now having to buy XXL clothes.
01:49No you're not a XXL.
01:51This is a XXL, yeah.
01:52But the sizing's changed.
01:53You're right.
01:54They do change, and it's all...
01:55They're trying to get to you in your head.
01:56So don't...
01:57Ignore the sizing, I think.
01:58You know, you're right.
01:59Football shirts in particular.
02:00Yeah.
02:01I'm an XL in an old kit, but I'm like a XXXL now in the new kits.
02:02When you say the old kit, do you mean the ones you were buying when you were 12?
02:03I used to be like, large boys, and now I'm an XXXL.
02:04Lolly, Morgana, any worries?
02:05I'm generally quite worried that my fly is undone all the time.
02:06I'm generally quite worried that my fly is undone all the time.
02:07I'm generally quite worried that my fly is undone all the time.
02:08Even if I'm not wearing trousers, or just like, my PJ's in bed, I'm like, my fly's undone.
02:09Even if I'm not wearing trousers, or just like, my PJ's in bed, I'm like, my fly's undone.
02:10And if I'm on stage and I'm doing comedy, and people aren't laughing, I'm like, my fly's
02:11undone.
02:12That's the only reason why.
02:13I see, it's the opposite with me.
02:14If people are laughing, I think, my fly's undone.
02:15I give up.
02:16I give up.
02:17I give up.
02:18I give up.
02:19I give up.
02:20I give up.
02:21I give up.
02:22I give up.
02:23I give up.
02:24I give up.
02:25I give up.
02:26I give up.
02:27I give up.
02:28I give up.
02:29I give up.
02:30I give up.
02:31I give up.
02:32I give up.
02:33I give up.
02:34I give up.
02:35I give up.
02:36I give up.
02:37I give up.
02:38I give up.
02:39I give up.
02:40I give up.
02:41I give up.
02:42I give up.
02:43I give up.
02:44I give up.
02:45I give up.
02:46I give up.
02:47I give up.
02:48I give up.
02:49I give up.
02:50I give up.
02:51I give up.
02:52I give up.
02:53I give up.
02:54I give up.
02:55I give up.
02:56I give up.
02:57I give up.
02:58I give up.
02:59I give up.
03:00I give up.
03:01I give up.
03:02So, let's kick things off.
03:03Morgana, what is your worry for the future?
03:05I worry about my future face.
03:09Right.
03:10Happy with your current face?
03:12It'll do.
03:13It has it's good days and it's bad days.
03:16But it's particularly with the face.
03:19As I get older I've noticed that my eyes...
03:22I mean, it sounds cheeky, but they get more and more boggly.
03:26They're sort of protruding out.
03:28So, the BBC have got a nickname for me, which is Marty Feldman.
03:32Ooh.
03:34It's very harsh.
03:36That's what they call me.
03:38That's Marty Feldman for the uninitiated.
03:40I think if you look down, is it camera four there?
03:43Oh, there we go.
03:48It's not bad, is it?
03:49I'm sort of putting it on the fact that, you know,
03:52it's sort of down to size, isn't it?
03:54And I just have a very big pair of balls.
04:00I guess what I'm really trying to say
04:02is, am I going to go to my grave looking like Stephen Merchant
04:06on a full moon?
04:10I think your eyes aren't big.
04:11They don't look big to me.
04:13But we're all going to age.
04:14We're all going to have changes in our body.
04:16And I think it's all about coming to terms with that.
04:18So I've used a sort of popular face adapting app
04:22to have a look at us in various stages.
04:25So here's us younger.
04:28That's a sort of retrograde.
04:30I mean, I think I look like some sort of European proto-fascist.
04:34I look like I've just got my A-level results.
04:38You did really well, though.
04:40Oh, yeah.
04:40I wasn't expecting the B, but I'll take it.
04:43I think you two, you sort of both look roughly the same age
04:47as you now, I think.
04:48You've both come out of that very well.
04:50Let's ramp it up a notch, shall we?
04:51Since we're talking about the future, shall we step forward?
04:54Anyone want to see what they look like older?
04:56Unleash the machine.
04:57Wow.
04:59What's going on with my sort of chin?
05:04I think there's a clear winner there,
05:05and it isn't fucking me.
05:09I don't know at what point in this app
05:11they specified that I smoke 60 fags a day.
05:16That's the sort of guy you see outside of Witherspoon's
05:19at 10 o'clock in the morning.
05:21You look so much like sort of Tony Blair's brother.
05:25You know what?
05:26I look like a failed presidential candidate
05:29who's come to terms with it.
05:31And Morgana, your eyes there.
05:33They've made them smaller.
05:35Perfectly normal eyes.
05:36And then also, for a bit of a laugh,
05:38we've gone for a bit of gender reversal as well.
05:40Yes.
05:40To see what you might look like if you're
05:42a member of the opposite sex.
05:43Now.
05:44Whoa.
05:45Oh, man, that is amazing.
05:48Yes, I would.
05:51John, I would.
05:52I definitely would.
05:53I would.
05:54That's the danger.
05:55And I'm just, I'm just going to double check.
05:58Is the one on the right me?
06:01That is what came out when we put your picture in.
06:04It feels like they've done a lot more on you.
06:06How many people have I raped and murdered?
06:13Now, there is something you can do that isn't technology.
06:15It's a real life thing you can do to help
06:17keep the elasticity in the face.
06:19And that is a thing called facial yoga.
06:21It's by a guy called Dr. Murad Alam.
06:24This is a qualified doctor telling you
06:26that happy face yoga does seem to work.
06:29Let's have a look at the technique.
06:30This exercise helps strengthen all the muscles of the face.
06:34It brings a youthful vitality to the face.
06:36And it gives the face a natural lift against gravity.
06:39Let's start by smiling.
06:41Form a long O with your mouth.
06:44Press your lips onto your teeth.
06:46Then slowly fold your lips over your teeth.
06:49Give yourself a great smile, raising all your cheek muscles up.
06:53Now close your eyes and roll your eyeballs up towards your stomach.
06:57Slowly raise your hands up and over your head.
07:01Let's hold for 30 seconds.
07:05I mean, you've gone for it straight away, in fairness to you.
07:08Let's all come out and do it together.
07:09I mean, because 40 is leaving you high and dry, yeah?
07:12Well, let's, let's come out and present ourselves on our knees.
07:15On our knees, as they do.
07:18Let's start by smiling.
07:20Form a long O with your mouth.
07:22Press your lips onto your teeth.
07:24Then slowly fold your lips over your teeth.
07:27Give yourself a great smile, raising all your cheek muscles up.
07:32Now close your eyes and roll your eyeballs up towards your stomach.
07:36Slowly raise your hands up and over your head.
07:40Let's hold for 30 seconds.
07:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:54Well, I'm going to love the worry.
07:56I'll be honest, I feel good.
07:59The worry is, of course, I worry about my future face,
08:01and it's going in as a severe worry,
08:04purely on the grounds of an app,
08:06which is designed to show you what you look like when you're older,
08:09that predicts that I have a horrific future in store for me
08:13and my rotten, rapidly degrading face.
08:16So, future faces is a severe worry.
08:18APPLAUSE
08:23Lolly, do you have a future-related worry for me?
08:26Yes, I worry that I'm in The Truman Show.
08:30I only watched it very recently,
08:32and they've made the film as a decoy
08:35to try and make me think that I'm not in The Truman Show.
08:39But it hasn't worked.
08:42So, The Truman Show is where a guy thinks he's living his real life,
08:45but actually, everything is staged,
08:48and it's a reality show for the world.
08:50Yeah. Very clever.
08:52Again, I almost respect it.
08:55The Truman Show is a real thing, The Truman Show Delusion.
08:57It's where you believe your life is a stage show
08:59or that you're being watched on camera.
09:00But there is a genuine argument about how much you're being filmed,
09:04just day to day.
09:05If you live in a big city, like London,
09:07there are six million surveillance cameras in the UK.
09:10The average person is caught on camera 70 times a day,
09:13just while you're going about your business.
09:15And then you've got your mobile phone,
09:17it's tracking your location,
09:18and it's, of course, listening to certain things you say.
09:21So, there is an argument that, actually, you are being surveilled.
09:25I mean, I have issues with my dog seeing things.
09:30But, I mean, that sounds really odd.
09:31That does sound odd.
09:33Things, like, that you would do on your own,
09:36and then some things, you know, like walking around the bedroom naked.
09:39I don't want my dog seeing me naked, that's fine.
09:41But, like, other things that you get...
09:43Go on, you'd better get out for this.
09:46But do you return the favour?
09:48Do you ever, if your dog... Always, I'm very generous.
09:50If your dog's doing something private,
09:52like licking an area or going to the toilet?
09:55She doesn't really have an issue, so I don't have an issue.
09:57It's, you know, fill your boots at my house.
10:00I hope she's not filling your boots.
10:03What if, Lolly, I were to tell you
10:06that you are in a Truman Show style experience,
10:09and the whole world is watching you,
10:11and we actually have a clip of you being shown to your audience.
10:17Here it is.
10:18Lolly, do you have a future-related worry for me?
10:22Yes, I worry that I'm in the Truman Show.
10:27I love me. Absolutely smashing it.
10:29Get them to one of my gigs.
10:32Well, we'd have to pay them, to be honest.
10:36There's a limited budget on The Lolly Show, I have to say.
10:38So I'm going to log your worry in the index that you are in the Truman Show.
10:41Thank you. And I'm going to log it, I have to say, as...
10:45..a moderate worry.
10:47Because whilst it's clear that you're not part of a fictional Truman Show,
10:50you are being filmed almost every second of every day.
10:53The blessed relief for most of us is that almost every second
10:56of our existence is far too tedious to be of any interest to anyone.
11:00So I've put that in as a moderate worry for Lolly Haddafilka.
11:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:08Time for a break now. I'll see you in a bit.
11:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:24Welcome back to Ultimate Worry War.
11:26Tonight, we're looking at worries about the future.
11:29Now, every show, one of our guests carries out some extra research
11:32on one of their worries, and this week, that person is Matthew.
11:36What worry have you got for my index?
11:38I worry what news will be like in the future.
11:40And in current times, the way that we consume our news,
11:43the way that it's becoming more opinion-driven, more tribal,
11:45and the new phenomenon of fake news flooding our timelines.
11:49I don't really think I know what fake news is.
11:52What is fake news?
11:53There are two types.
11:54So the first types are false stories that are deliberately published
11:57or sent around in order to deceive the public.
12:00For instance, John Richardson releases the most hilarious DVD ever.
12:06No truth at all in any part of that.
12:08The second type of fake news is stories that may have some truth to them.
12:12For instance, John Richardson releases funny DVD.
12:17Slightly more true, but still horse-shit,
12:18particularly if the Amazon reviews are anything to go by.
12:22The point at which I became aware of fake news was probably
12:26Donald Trump, his inauguration was the big one,
12:29his press agent claiming it was the most viewed inauguration of any president.
12:33On the left there is Obama's inauguration, on the right there is Trump's.
12:37Trump's argument, genuinely, he said,
12:39from where I was stood, I could tell that there were more people
12:43at mine than there were Obama's, and I had the best view.
12:47Oh, there we go!
12:54There is a shift away from print media into online media,
12:57because it's probably harder to smuggle a story into a newspaper
13:00than it is to just put it up online.
13:01Yeah, and tabloids have always been elastic with the truth to some extent,
13:06but what you've got now is people who are not regulated at all
13:09being able to put stories out there,
13:11and they're able to manipulate all sorts of things.
13:13Where do you two get your news from?
13:15Just from, like, anyone who walks in.
13:19Hiya, hiya!
13:20And you let him out, no, and that's pretty much it.
13:23Right, and do you find that to be reliable or pretty bang-on?
13:28Pretty fair. I don't know anything, but it's nice.
13:34Lolly, where are you getting your news?
13:36Twitter. I sort of wake up and read Twitter
13:39as if I'm waking up and reading a newspaper.
13:41Yes. What you get, I think, through Twitter is you get,
13:44very often, articles that are deliberately written as a joke
13:48that then drive you towards a website.
13:50So the Metro are particularly good at this.
13:52So here are a list of headlines, and see if you can spot a theme
13:56thinking the story's about something else.
13:58Headline number one.
13:59NASA wants to probe deep into Uranus in search of smelly gas.
14:04Something huge went into Uranus and left it absolutely ruined.
14:08Uranus gapes wide open for blasts of hot wind.
14:12Uranus will be visible to everyone in the UK tonight.
14:15Scientists just recreated the horrendous substance
14:18found deep inside Uranus.
14:20NASA wants to probe deeper into Uranus than ever before.
14:23Scientists spot a massive floater hanging around Uranus.
14:27Hubble just spotted something massive coming out of Uranus.
14:31Something huge and hard went into Uranus and it got messy.
14:35So those are actual headlines.
14:37I guess that's the Twitterisation of news, isn't it?
14:39Yeah, yeah.
14:40We can get people retweeting that, and they're on the website.
14:42Have you ever fallen for fake news?
14:45I've had fake news about me.
14:47No way.
14:48Yeah, well, I mean, it's not awful, but I used to...
14:51The first ever character that I did was, like, a really, really annoying girl.
14:55And I would come on stage and I would say,
14:57this is a character, because I didn't want people to think it was me.
14:59And then I'd be like, how's it going?
15:03And then someone wrote in my Wikipedia page that I was from Preston.
15:07So they must have thought that that was my real voice.
15:10Because I grew up very near Preston.
15:13Have you targeted the people of Preston specifically, or...?
15:15I've based it on your voice.
15:18Yeah, I've been going, I'm so mad.
15:21Like, I'm so mad.
15:22Honestly, I'm so random.
15:25It's just like hearing myself recorded.
15:28I am mad, and I am random.
15:31Well, to test if you're good at spotting fake news,
15:32I have four headlines, and you see if you can tell me
15:35which one you think is the fake news headline.
15:37Is it a competition?
15:39Is it buzzers?
15:39It can be.
15:41I haven't got buzzers, but you can sort of fire a staple at me
15:44when you think you know the answer.
15:46Um, so here are your four headlines,
15:47and you tell me which one you think is the truth
15:50and which one you think are the lies.
15:53So, Lee Ryan from Blue gets both hands trapped in Pringles chips.
15:59Headline number two, I had plastic surgery to look like Paul Ross.
16:05Headline three, woman, 63, becomes pregnant in the mouth
16:08with baby squid after eating calamari.
16:11Headline four, parents outrage at new range of sexy nappies.
16:18Anything leaping out at you is definitely false or definitely true?
16:22Any you know to be true?
16:24I feel like Lee Ryan is true.
16:25You feel like you've seen that?
16:26Yeah, yeah.
16:27And I want the pregnant baby squid to be real as well, so...
16:32OK, well, let's start revealing the falsehoods,
16:35and then we'll get to the truth.
16:37Ooh!
16:39It's a point for Morgana Robinson.
16:41Oh!
16:42APPLAUSE
16:46Given that there are no points anywhere else in the series,
16:49that cuts the point score at you, one,
16:51and every other guest ever to appear on the show, a nil.
16:55So that's a genuine headline.
16:56It was just that she ate a sperm sack as part of a...
17:01Yeah, which I think is fine.
17:03All that happened, she ate some spermy squid,
17:07it spunked in her mouth a bit,
17:09and the sperm penetrated under her mouth,
17:12and she had to have the sort of squid sperm
17:15surgically removed from her mouth.
17:17But it's a long way from that to say
17:19that she got pregnant with baby squid.
17:23Since you are the guest with benefits,
17:24you get challenged to go an extra mile...
17:27Yes. ..and prove to me exactly what fake news is
17:29and how dangerous it can be. Have you done that?
17:31So, this is the next genesis of fake news,
17:34and this is where it becomes really scary,
17:35because there's a thing called deep fakes.
17:38People can create fake videos using a machine-learning technique
17:42called a generative adversarial network.
17:45So you can realistically put someone else's face
17:47on someone else's body
17:48and make them look like they were somewhere else.
17:50So I could be six foot?
17:52There are limits to this technology, mate.
17:54Very, very early days.
17:56So it would let people manipulate footage
17:58so that people could present a completely false impression
18:00of themselves, which obviously is a massive opportunity
18:03for a pointy-faced man.
18:05So I searched around and found a guy called Derp Fakes.
18:11Venient with that name, isn't it?
18:12It is. It's nominative determinism.
18:14Here's the first example of what Derp Fakes can do.
18:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
18:49Holy shit! That's me!
18:52Yeah. That's incredible.
18:54I'm the Prime Minister.
18:57And that really looks like you're there, doesn't it?
18:59It really... And that's how I dance.
19:03Nobody would see that and say,
19:05no, John's got better moves than that.
19:07They were not just political angles.
19:08Obviously, we could put you literally anywhere.
19:11And this is a terrifying glimpse into an alternative future.
19:14Let's see who you're missing out on.
19:16Oh, my goodness!
19:17Oh, no!
19:19This is Mike from 72027,
19:22and he's an elite faking assistant.
19:24Sorry! Let me treat you.
19:26Look at the familiar face.
19:27Yeah, I'm disappointed to be the first one off.
19:29I mean, I did come looking for love,
19:30but now I really enjoy it.
19:32It's strange that she could tell so much about me
19:35just from seeing me below the waist,
19:37but she was quite right.
19:38I think I'm quite fair, I mean...
19:40Oh!
19:41Yeah.
19:43I wouldn't want anyone here today
19:46to have no physical reminder,
19:47so what I've done is make some mouse mats for John.
19:50LAUGHTER
19:51There you go.
19:53You got a job.
19:54Wow.
19:56Oh, that's really cool.
19:58Oh, my God.
20:00CHEERING
20:02LAUGHTER
20:03Would you like one?
20:05There you go.
20:06That's some mugs with John naked on them.
20:09Would you like one, John?
20:10Yeah, I'll take a dick mug.
20:12LAUGHTER
20:13And you've done this with your own money, right?
20:16Oh, absolutely.
20:17I had to have a couple of chats with Moon Pig.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:22But when I told them what it was for,
20:24they backed me right up.
20:27You know, what I like is that I imagine the expression there
20:30is exactly the sort of expression you do have when you're naked.
20:33LAUGHTER
20:35Disappointed.
20:37Yeah, apologetic.
20:38I mean, who in the world is still using a mouse?
20:42It's a really good point.
20:43How are you going to get an old PC just to use this mouse mat?
20:47It's going to cost me thousands.
20:48I'm going to use this as, like, a heat pad for, like, you know, Sunday dinner.
20:53Oh, lovely.
20:54You can put, like, your hot roast potatoes on there.
20:57Yeah. More peas, I don't think so.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00Sausage and a couple of brussels.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:04APPLAUSE
21:08Right, we're going to log the worry,
21:12and the worry is, I worry what news will be like in the future.
21:15And, well, quite clearly,
21:18I look forward to the day when the mouse mat industry dies.
21:21Logs are here to stay, so I think we'll be keeping that as a severe worry.
21:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:34Chip and pin is what I call my penis and testicles.
21:37LAUGHTER
21:39But there's only one of each.
21:41It's not chips and pin, is it?
21:42Have you seen the picture?
21:43LAUGHTER
21:45There's chip and there's pin.
21:46Oh, mate, this is one of the best days of my life.
21:49I can't wait to get home,
21:51put on my naked John Richardson T-shirt,
21:53drink milk out of my John Richardson naked mug,
21:56surf the web with my John Richardson mouse mat.
22:00It'd be hard to explain to visitors.
22:02I don't think you'll get many.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:06Let's have a break now, after which we'll be delving into my next worry of the night,
22:10which is this one.
22:12I worry I will be forced to live on another planet.
22:15I'll see you in a bit.
22:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:19Coming up on Ultimate Worrier...
22:21This is... Oh!
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:38Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier, where tonight we're looking at worries
22:41related to the future, and our next worry is this.
22:44I worry I will be forced to live on another planet.
22:48Now, this sort of... As a base fact, you just have to accept
22:51that this planet is destroyed, ruined, finished.
22:54Shaking your head?
22:55There's still the oceans, the trees, the people.
22:57There's always hope, John, as I used to say when you used to cry at night.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:03Let's have a look at some of the reasons that we might need to move planet.
23:06Last year, the Global Challenges Foundation made a list of ten things
23:10that would result in a catastrophic end to our existence on the planet.
23:14I'm going to run you through them now.
23:15I'm going to run you through them now.
23:17Strap yourselves in, cos it's a pretty grim ride.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:21First up, if the country gets three degrees hotter, we're all doomed.
23:24It's climate change!
23:26In at number two, the planet will not give us any more food.
23:29It's an ecological collapse.
23:32Next in, not just man flu, but mankind flu.
23:35It's a global pandemic.
23:37And we're all dead.
23:39Next up, scary because I don't know what it means,
23:42it's solar geoengineering.
23:45Some sort of laser death.
23:48If it's good enough for the dinosaurs, it's good enough for you.
23:51It's an asteroid.
23:54Look left, look right, look up, too late, you're already dead.
23:58If it fucked up Pompeii, it'll fuck you up too.
24:01Can I get a super volcano?
24:04Rounding out the list, we've got a terrifying dose of biological warfare,
24:08artificial intelligence and nuclear war.
24:12Lastly, and most terrifying of all, it's the complete unknown.
24:17Yeah, I don't know what might kill us, but it might kill us all.
24:28Seems like once you're getting into making a list,
24:30you can't end with just, or something else.
24:33Any of those get you more than the others?
24:35I think asteroid's probably the best.
24:37The best? Yeah, cos it's just done.
24:40Imagine if you were asleep, you wouldn't even know.
24:42If you and I are right underneath the asteroid, all the way, mate.
24:45Yeah, yeah. And we will be. We will be.
24:48If you saw it coming, you would move towards it,
24:50you'd try and get under it, together.
24:52Oh, fuck yeah.
24:53I've got to say, though, it's going to affect ratings on The Lolly Show.
24:58Tune in this week when an asteroid hits Lolly in the face while she's asleep.
25:03So we're not going to fix this planet,
25:05I think that's becoming something that is accepted,
25:08so what we've got to do is colonise other planets, namely Mars.
25:12Anyone fancy a bit of that?
25:14Lovely red planet?
25:15No. Absolutely not.
25:17There's literally no other planet out there as good as ours.
25:20Well, chief amongst the people trying to push us there
25:23is old friend of the show, Elon Musk.
25:25His plan is to put humans on Mars by 2024.
25:28Here's an Elon Musk quote to fill you with confidence.
25:30He says,
25:31Your probability of dying on Mars is much higher than dying on Earth.
25:36It sort of begs the question, why are we bothering?
25:39He's also said of the trip to Mars,
25:42we think you can come back, but we're not sure.
25:44It sounds slightly ominous to me.
25:46I wouldn't want anyone who's been to Mars to come back, to be honest.
25:49They'd be an absolute tosser.
25:51They'd be like Burning Man, wouldn't they?
25:53Blah, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, it was great.
25:57When I was on Mars, it's basically a billionaire's race
26:01at the moment to get to Mars.
26:02So the front runners in trying to get there are Jeff Bezos,
26:06Richard Branson, and your man, Elon Musk.
26:09He wants to send...
26:10Maybe it's great that they can't come back.
26:11Yeah.
26:11Just send them all there.
26:12The more you look at the people who want to get to Mars...
26:14Yeah.
26:15Go on, off you go, we'll time you.
26:18It basically looked like a sort of Armageddon-style film poster
26:22of the cool space guys.
26:24But if Bezos runs Amazon, he should be delivered to the wrong planet.
26:29He says you can get there in 300 days,
26:31but 298 if you're on Amazon Prime.
26:36Now, our friend Elon has an idea to speed up warming up the planet
26:40to launch nuclear rockets at Mars to start a nuclear winter,
26:46which when it cleared would then raise the temperature of the planet.
26:50So before we move on, I have to log a new Elon Musk worry,
26:54which is that before we've even got there,
26:56Elon Musk is now firing nuclear weapons at Mars.
27:00And that's going straight in as a severe worry.
27:03Nothing like someone saying they're going to nuke the planet
27:05that is your solution because you've nuked the planet you already live on.
27:09How do you feel about if it became a reality and you had to go,
27:12how you'd cope with the rigours of space and space training?
27:15I think I'd make quite an excellent astronaut.
27:17I mean, I look excellent in white.
27:21And I've always fantasised about weighing three stones, so count me in.
27:27I'd feel sick if I used a mobile phone in the back of an Uber.
27:31Zero, jeez, man, I'm going to be spraying the walls with all sorts.
27:34Maltesers everywhere.
27:36At least you'd be able to catch them again.
27:40I've got some clips of people coping with G-force.
27:43Here's a young gentleman in a plane experiencing G-force for the first time.
27:48And I'm going to go as far as to say it's one of the favourite things I've ever seen.
28:18OK. He's OK.
28:27I don't know what happens to you to make you do that,
28:29but it's the brief euphoria before it happens that makes me really...
28:34I mean, I want to see you do it.
28:37Well, how close are we to living on a new planet?
28:40And if we get there, will it just be a bunker full of billionaires?
28:42To help answer that, please welcome theoretical astrophysicist
28:46and candidate for the Mars One space mission, Ryan McDonald.
29:00So, I've been incredibly excited about meeting you, Ryan.
29:03Tell me what your current plans are for visiting Mars.
29:07I have been interested in space flight since maybe I was, like, this tall or so.
29:12It was either going to be that or dinosaurs.
29:14In 2013, there was a call put out by a not-for-profit foundation
29:20called Mars One that were looking at organising a human mission to Mars
29:25roughly in the 2030 time frame.
29:27And I was one of the over 200,000 people
29:30that originally expressed interest in this programme.
29:32And now you're down to the final... 100.
29:34Cool!
29:35APPLAUSE
29:45I think we've got a picture of some of the other candidates,
29:47so we can have a look at some of those.
29:48You look great in orange, I'll say that. Thank you.
29:50So, that's box number one ticked.
29:53You could technically go to jail to wear that same suit, though.
29:57Much cheaper.
29:58You all sort of look like you're up for it,
30:00except for the poor lady who's just been ambushed in her kitchen.
30:05Would you not get homesick?
30:07Absolutely, we would. You miss your mum?
30:10So, it's not about cutting all of your ties.
30:13We would still have two dedicated communication satellites
30:16that would enable us to talk with people back on the Earth.
30:19It wouldn't be live, you wouldn't be able to have a Skype call,
30:22because Mars is too far away for that.
30:24Yoghurt pots and strain.
30:27Except you would talk into the yoghurt pot
30:30and you'd have to wait about 40 minutes, potentially, to get a reply.
30:33So, you'd have to be quite patient.
30:34So, like, Skype, am I right?
30:37You're the worst lad you've ever seen.
30:39It blows my mind that if you're talking about 2030,
30:41you're talking about ten years' time,
30:43and if you get down to the last few,
30:44you'll go to Mars and never come back.
30:46People are being... We're being selected for a training programme.
30:49That wouldn't necessarily mean that we would actually end up going.
30:52The most important thing is that someone actually goes to Mars
30:55and starts this process.
30:56You say that, but some of the guys are going to get picked,
30:59and you go, that prick!
31:01He gets to go, he flies up and he's on Mars!
31:06Let's have a look at what the perspective life is for you,
31:11if you get there.
31:12These are the sort of pods.
31:14We can have a look inside.
31:16Oh, how stylish.
31:17It does look pretty sweet, that, doesn't it?
31:19It's like a little muffin.
31:22You've got your plants up there,
31:24presumably to create oxygen so you don't die.
31:27Spices.
31:31As someone who's never managed to keep a houseplant alive
31:35for more than two months without the pressure of it
31:38creating the oxygen I need to survive,
31:40that, to me, looks like quite a tense area of the house up there.
31:44Did you water the plants?
31:45No. OK, let's die tomorrow.
31:48There's actually a really important reason
31:50for this kind of muffin shape that you have here,
31:53and that is that you want to be able to pile
31:55the top of the habitat with as much soil as you can,
31:58which helps block out some of the radiation from the sun.
32:01That's also why the beds are down there at the bottom,
32:03to make you slightly deeper,
32:04so that, overall, you're protected from the radiation.
32:06Oh, and I've watched some pretty hairy grand designs.
32:11When, you know, they've got the caravan in,
32:13they didn't think they'd be spending the winter in it,
32:15she's pregnant, suddenly it's Christmas,
32:17everyone's in tears.
32:19I've never seen a conversation about how much soil you need
32:22to repel the radiation from the sun so that you survive.
32:25And you're smiling more than any of us.
32:27It's as if you'd just, you know, stepped outside your front,
32:30or it would physically happen to you.
32:32Ah, so...
32:35A, you can't breathe the air, it's almost all carbon dioxide.
32:39The pressure on Mars is actually so low that,
32:42so your skin would start to expand the second you went out there,
32:45you wouldn't be able to breathe the air,
32:47it's incredibly cold, about minus 58 degrees Celsius,
32:50so you would start to then freeze.
32:52The dust that coats Mars is also a very finely ground,
32:56super-sharp kind of sand that if you were to breathe it in,
32:59your lungs would be shredded very shortly,
33:02so it just wouldn't be pleasant at all, suffice it to say.
33:06So, do not go outside on Mars without a spacesuit.
33:12I'll tell you what, as a man who struggles if they don't have
33:14the porridge I want when I go to credit in the morning,
33:17just the joy with which you delivered that description
33:20of a potential death, I'm inspired to do the same.
33:24I'm inspired to have met you.
33:26Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for your help, Ryan McDonald.
33:40He might go to Mars!
33:43That's amazing!
33:44And he was there!
33:45I get excited when I see you lot on telly, I go, I've met them!
33:48One day he's going to be on the news on Mars, I go, I've met him!
33:51I'm shaking his hand, look at him now, burning up, screaming!
33:57So, we're going to log the worry, which is that I worry I'll be forced
34:00to live on another planet, and clearly, as the reaction in the room suggests,
34:03that is a low worry.
34:05The technology doesn't exist, the journey will be too hard,
34:08it's frankly unfeasible for any of us to visit Mars,
34:11so the realisation is that we'll just chill out here
34:14and see the slow decay of the planet that we currently live on,
34:18which will be absolutely lovely.
34:20So, that's interplanetary colonisation as a low worry.
34:28So, time for a break now, while I get fitted for my spacesuit,
34:31I'll see you shortly.
34:32APPLAUSE
34:46Welcome back to Ultimate Worry, where we've been looking into
34:49worries all to do with the future.
34:50It's time to move on now to my biggest new future worry,
34:54which is this.
34:55I worry robots are coming over here and stealing our jobs.
34:59So, according to recent research, up to 30% of jobs are at risk from robots.
35:04A report by One Think Tank said that change is coming
35:06and its scale and scope will be unprecedented.
35:10Anyone worried about a robot taking their job?
35:14No.
35:15OK, I'll give you that one.
35:17I'll give that one as a low worry, and that's it for this week's show.
35:21Thanks for joining me.
35:22I'm glad you got to see my dick before we all go to Mars.
35:27The jobs that are immediately under threat are the ones that you would expect to be.
35:30So, the top jobs currently under threat are data entry,
35:34telemarketers, accountants, waiting staff and taxi drivers.
35:38That's quite nice, because I always feel bad if I get a PPI call,
35:41because I don't want to tell someone in a call centre
35:43on the other side of the world to F off,
35:45but if it's a robot, I'm going to unleash hell!
35:49Fuck off!
35:50You're not even real!
35:52I'm not going to tip a robot for good service, it's not happening.
35:56Or a taxi driver, either.
35:57I'd be happy to puke in the back of that cab.
36:01And also, will robot taxi drivers be as bigoted as real ones?
36:06Yeah.
36:07You've seen the Chinese robots, not as good as the British ones, mate.
36:10Here's a really surprising job they expect to go, is modelling.
36:14Models have a 98% chance of being replaced in the robotic generation.
36:18And if this video is anything to go by,
36:21I don't think they have anything to worry about yet.
36:22Here are some robot strippers.
36:26LAUGHTER
36:36But why would you want...?
36:37I mean, something happened.
36:40I got a little flattered.
36:42That's like a sort of cheese dream after you think you've done 40 in a 30.
36:47Any jobs you really don't want to see go to robots?
36:50Midwife.
36:52I mean, doctors are already...
36:53One of the jobs that you wouldn't think would be under threat,
36:55but actually is under threat,
36:57purely because they can assess quicker, robot doctors.
37:00They can't catch the flu either, so...
37:01They never get ill.
37:03And surgery is already...
37:04Doctors are using robotics that are steadier and calmer.
37:09Here is a robot doctor performing surgery
37:12that might not look like the most tense thing you've ever seen.
37:15So to add some drama, we've added some music
37:18so that it doesn't look like peeling a grape.
37:21LAUGHTER
37:25MUSIC PLAYS
37:42BUZZER
37:44APPLAUSE
37:48So...
37:49Me getting one of my eyeballs made smaller, isn't it?
37:51LAUGHTER
37:54I instant thought there was haemorrhoid.
37:56LAUGHTER
37:58Put on some Vivaldi and peel back those haemorrhoids.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02New technology means I could send a robot to do my job
38:05whilst I stay in the comfort of my own home.
38:07So we could programme a robot to be us,
38:10you could stay on your couch, send it to Bournemouth Pavilion,
38:15the robot goes on stage, does your gig,
38:17you don't need to leave the house.
38:19Pretty sweet, right?
38:20Yeah, but then is the robot then going to stay in a travel lodge?
38:24Is it going to do the full experience?
38:26Is it going to put on weight with worry?
38:28Is it going to sweat on stage?
38:30Is it going to shit itself in Corby?
38:32LAUGHTER
38:34No, cos it's not real and that's what people want from comedy,
38:37is a fat shitting mess.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41And tickets still available to you. Tickets still available.
38:43LAUGHTER
38:45I like my job, I like getting away, I like staying in hotels.
38:48What I don't like is getting back
38:50and then having to do all the stuff that you've missed out on.
38:52Oh, so-and-so's invited us round for dinner.
38:54Oh, fucking really?
38:56LAUGHTER
38:58And what if you had a robot that you could send to a dinner party
39:01that you do not want to go to?
39:03So I have, over there in my worry lab,
39:05prepared an average dinner party
39:08and I have robotic versions of all ourselves
39:11and we're going to play out a little dinner party
39:13and if this works, I mean, it could be the end of socialisation.
39:17All we need to do is control our robots
39:19and if you step forward, you'll find your visors there.
39:21APPLAUSE
39:31Thanks for coming to the dinner party, let's have some music.
39:33MUSIC PLAYS
39:35And then you can start dancing.
39:37MUSIC CONTINUES
39:39LAUGHTER
39:41MUSIC CONTINUES
39:43LAUGHTER
39:45MUSIC CONTINUES
39:47LAUGHTER
39:50APPLAUSE
39:52Get off!
39:54This is how I end most parties, usually.
39:56LAUGHTER
39:58Oh, dirty boy.
40:00LAUGHTER
40:02Dirty boy.
40:04Yes, yes.
40:06Yes, yes, yes!
40:08APPLAUSE
40:10CHEERING
40:12APPLAUSE
40:14Let's go and get some food.
40:16Oh, I really want some food.
40:18I can't make it to the... This is like an anxiety dream.
40:20LAUGHTER
40:22Why aren't you eating anything?
40:24Because I can't get over to the table!
40:26LAUGHTER
40:28I'm trying!
40:30LAUGHTER
40:32LAUGHTER
40:34This is... Oh!
40:36APPLAUSE
40:38CHEERING
40:40LAUGHTER
40:42CHEERING
40:44LAUGHTER
40:46You're going to have to give me all this up tomorrow, I don't know.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:50Oh, I'm going somewhere.
40:52CHEERING
40:54APPLAUSE
40:56That's what I call a good party.
40:58LAUGHTER
41:00LAUGHTER
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04LAUGHTER
41:06Will yours move forward at all?
41:08No, I've drunk something like two bottles of Pinot Grigio
41:10and I'm fucked.
41:12I'll call you an Uber.
41:1440, have you died in real life?
41:16I'm not going to reveal your AI face, 40,
41:18but you look like you're in G-Force.
41:20Do I?
41:22LAUGHTER
41:24I think the technology exists for you to control the robot
41:26with your mouth closed.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:30LAUGHTER
41:32Who wants to try and get some food?
41:34CHEERING
41:36LAUGHTER
41:38Jesus Christ.
41:40LAUGHTER
41:43Right, well, let's log the worry.
41:45The worry that robots are coming here to steal our jobs.
41:47CHEERING
41:49APPLAUSE
41:51Oh, my God!
41:53I worry that robots are coming to kill our studio audience.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:57That's a severe worry.
41:59In terms of them stealing our jobs, I sort of feel somewhat reassured.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:03Once you've seen a robot fail to steal a Wotsit,
42:05you feel a lot more comfortable about your job.
42:07LAUGHTER
42:09I mean, I feel that that, to be honest, has to be a low worry.
42:11They seem like a lot of fun.
42:13I don't feel threatened about my job.
42:15And actually, given the robot I was given,
42:17I feel quite tall and agile for the first time in my life.
42:19LAUGHTER
42:21So, robot workers is a low worry.
42:23CHEERING
42:25APPLAUSE
42:27That's it for this week on Ultimate Worrier.
42:29Thanks to my guests, Lolly Hadifope,
42:31Morgana Robinson and Matt Ball.
42:33CHEERING
42:35Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time. Goodnight.
42:37CHEERING
42:39APPLAUSE
43:09THEME MUSIC