First broadcast 4th September 2019.
Jon Richardson
James Acaster
Ivo Graham
Rebecca Front
Mark Stevenson
Jon Copley
Arthur Boyt
Jon Richardson
James Acaster
Ivo Graham
Rebecca Front
Mark Stevenson
Jon Copley
Arthur Boyt
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:25APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35Hello and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:37the show where I discuss all of the world's worries
00:39and then file them away neatly for future reference in my Worry Index.
00:43If you can picture a lever arch file the size of a skyscraper
00:46containing a billion dividers in more colours than the human mind
00:50can comprehend, then you've done acid in Rymans and you need to go home.
00:54This is my Worry Index. It's home to millions of worries,
00:57all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:59following decades of thorough analysis.
01:01This week, we will be looking at some brand-new worries,
01:04exclusively to do with the theme of planet Earth.
01:07Please welcome my guests for tonight, the fantastic Rebecca Front,
01:10Ivo Graham and James Acaster!
01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:26We're here to worry. Rebecca, do you carry worry with you?
01:30I permanently have an enormous rucksack of worry weighing me down.
01:34Lovely. What's in there at the moment?
01:37You know how owners are supposed to start looking like their dogs?
01:40My dog is starting to look like me in a really kind of alarming way
01:45because he just looks permanently worried.
01:47We've got a picture of your worried dog.
01:49See? Wow.
01:51You say, oh, but look, he looks like he's in the grip of a breakdown,
01:55doesn't he?
01:57Ivo Graham?
01:58Well, not to one-up Rebecca, but I've had a baby.
02:03Very much the dog of humans.
02:07That's an absolute, I mean, Niagara Falls of worry, having a child.
02:12Oh, yes. The big three.
02:14Defecation, sleep deprivation and my long-term inability to provide.
02:20James, is there anything worrying you at the moment?
02:23No.
02:25I thought there was, and then I heard those two things,
02:28I'm like, I'm all right.
02:31I was going to go on about how, you know,
02:34I've been ordering a lot of stuff online
02:36and I don't always know if I'm going to be in when it arrives.
02:39I couldn't give a shit now.
02:42So let's get things under way with our first worry of the show
02:45to log in the index.
02:47It's from you, Rebecca, so what is your planet Earth worry?
02:50I worry that things are getting smaller.
02:58You behave yourselves.
03:00Immediately, a sense of unease from the older gentleman in the audience.
03:06Going to say, not just the older gentleman.
03:11I'm claustrophobic and have been most of my life
03:14and so I am uncomfortable, you know, in enclosed spaces.
03:19You're sitting in the middle of the couch.
03:21Very close to me.
03:23And so I do, I kind of worry that, you know,
03:26I read an article recently saying that all new homes that are being built
03:30are significantly, like, a third smaller
03:33than houses that were built, say, in the 70s.
03:36What's your sort of worst idea of a place to be?
03:39Lifts. Well, actually, and the London Underground.
03:42I did once have a massive freak-out at an airport
03:45because it turned out there was one of those kind of shuttle trains
03:49and it was underground and it was very, very packed
03:51and I decided I couldn't do it, I couldn't get on it.
03:54And I had a panic attack and that was very public
03:57and deeply, deeply embarrassing.
04:00Did you make the flight when you had your panic attack?
04:03We were coming back, funnily enough, but thank you for caring.
04:06Oh, well, that's really good attention to detail.
04:09I can't promise punchlines, but I will care at all times.
04:13It's a question I thought of and then I didn't ask it
04:16and then I really regretted it. Thanks, Jon.
04:18Can I say, I'm glad that you asked.
04:20It's a pleasure to be the wind beneath your wings.
04:22James, do you want to ask anything about the travel schedule
04:25around the panic attack?
04:26I think the two of you have got it covered.
04:29I was pretty sure, as soon as Rebecca brought up travel,
04:32I was like, these two nerds are going to ask some questions about it.
04:36Thank you, Captain Cool.
04:39How are you at small spaces and lifts and things?
04:42I went potholding once, that was scary, I didn't like that.
04:45That was horrible. But I was in the scouts,
04:47so I'd already made a few bad decisions.
04:51I can't just turn round and go, see you later, I've had enough.
04:54My friend Scott was in front of me, just quite calmly as I could,
04:57he was like, I don't really like this.
05:00And as soon as I said that to him, he just went, help!
05:03Oh, my God, help me!
05:07And that made me panic.
05:09I was like, oh, Jesus Christ!
05:11It turned out, like, you know, a few feet ahead,
05:14there was like a little emergency hole for wimps.
05:18I set this up out there and then I had to talk to the scout leader,
05:22like, trying to be cool as a 13-year-old, being like,
05:25I don't know what happened there.
05:27He just freaked out.
05:29I'm normally all right, but, you know, a bit odd.
05:32You'll like this, not just people
05:34who find themselves stuck in small situations,
05:36let's have a look at this gentleman who's got himself all embarrassed
05:39and look at the shame on the face.
05:41We're in.
05:47What?
05:59Now, that's a worried dog.
06:01That is.
06:02Don't film me, mate.
06:04We know what's happening.
06:06A little bit of dignity, please.
06:08Just trying to chew my way through the couch.
06:11I've got this far.
06:13You mentioned houses getting smaller.
06:15Hotels are something that...
06:17are sort of rental houses, if you like, one-night rental houses.
06:21Thank you, I'd often wondered.
06:23Do you know, I'm looking on the card for that line
06:26and I just made it up.
06:28No.
06:29If this was like a party and we weren't contractually obliged to be here
06:33and you said that shit,
06:35we wouldn't be sticking around for the rest of it.
06:40Yeah, you mentioned houses.
06:42I don't like houses.
06:44Guys...
06:48You mentioned...
06:52Please do the hotels line again.
06:54We won't react.
06:56We say it all the time.
06:58So, you mentioned houses are getting smaller.
07:00Now, of course, what is a house that you stay in only for a night?
07:03A hotel.
07:05Oh, yes!
07:06Yes, he's right, actually.
07:08You were saying that before the show, weren't you?
07:12I told you he was listening in.
07:14I said he's going to nick that.
07:19So, this is the kind of hotel at which you can rent space now.
07:23This is the Anshin Oyado Hotel in Tokyo.
07:25These are what they call capsules.
07:27It's more like a sort of vending machine for humans.
07:30Yeah.
07:31One of the problems of that hotel, it's in quite an earthquake-prone area.
07:35So, there is a company that has invented what they call an earthquake bed
07:39and this is a bed that, in the event of an earthquake, reacts in a way
07:42that, should the building collapse, will save your life.
07:45A here-in-chat has developed the earthquake safety bed,
07:48which instantly transforms into a shelter during the first underground tunnel.
07:54Right after this, the mattress descends
07:56and the person is enclosed in a protected space.
07:59A lid automatically closes over the bed.
08:02The bed can also be equipped with vents to let air in.
08:05Wow.
08:06I'd love it if a couple were having sex on that bed
08:08and they were going at it so hard that it thought it detected an earthquake.
08:14You'd be aiming for it deliberately.
08:16Let's try and make it go into earthquake mode.
08:22I loved how it said it can be equipped with air vents as well.
08:25Oh, OK, well, maybe I'll pay for the air.
08:29So, you are right in the sense that we all have less space,
08:32so I think as an ongoing solution for you,
08:35I've devised something that will enable you, in any situation,
08:38to have your own sense of personal space.
08:41There we go.
08:42So, it's sort of a free space rough that I believe...
08:45Oh, OK.
08:46..might be best for Ivo if used.
08:50Now, this is slightly awkward because I've got one already.
08:53Oh!
08:56Oh, there's more. Oh, hello.
08:58There's a little sort of helmet bit with...
09:00Yeah, lovely.
09:01..clouds... Hello, we've not met.
09:03..and birds.
09:05Nice feelings that we have.
09:08So, what have I got? I've got... I can't reach.
09:10We've got some trees. I've got clouds, I've got Tweety birds.
09:12And we've sort of rubbed it with manure to give it a sense of...
09:16..real countryside.
09:17And the idea is that you yourself will have a view
09:20that will give you some calm and perspective.
09:22Physically, it will give you some more space
09:24cos people can't get near you. That's very true.
09:26And they won't come near cos they'll think you're fucking insane.
09:31So, I'm going to log your worry now,
09:33and the worry is that I worry things are getting smaller.
09:36Clearly, Rebecca, it's a low worry.
09:38As a smaller gentleman myself,
09:40I find the fact that things are getting smaller
09:42means I will feel bigger, which is my only goal on this planet.
09:46So, things getting smaller is definitely a low worry for Rebecca.
09:55That's it for this part. Time for a break now.
09:57I'll see you in a bit.
10:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:12Hello there, and welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
10:15Tonight, we're discussing worries such as,
10:17why did I just say hello there?
10:19Ivo, what worry have you brought for the index?
10:22John, I'm worried that I've got no primal instincts.
10:25What do you mean by that?
10:26Well, I can't really fend for myself in any way.
10:30And that's becoming more and more embarrassing as I get older.
10:34I pulled the ring tab off a tin of baked beans
10:37the other day in my own home,
10:39and being locked out of one's own beans...
10:44..is a unique humiliation.
10:46To resolve this, I did what I always do in times of personal crisis.
10:50I went to Cornwall to hang out with a pensioner.
10:54A certain gentleman by the name of?
10:56A man called Arthur Boyt.
10:58So, Arthur is 80 years old and he eats roadkill
11:02because he believes it's the only ethical way of eating meat.
11:05Do you know, as a vegetarian,
11:07it's something I've thought about a lot, roadkill.
11:09Well, that's exactly it, because there's no guilt attached,
11:12there's only quite a lot of shame and social stigma,
11:15which arguably is worse than the guilt.
11:19Not a problem for me.
11:21Rebecca, you're a vegetarian,
11:23have you ever thought about eating roadkill?
11:25No, I mean, it would put me off the oil and bits of tarmac,
11:30I think would be a downer.
11:33What a unique objection to roadkill.
11:35I'd love to eat roadkill, but I couldn't handle the tarmac.
11:39So, this is for you a first step into becoming a sort of hunter-gatherer type...
11:44Yes. ..who, in darker times for the planet, can provide for your family.
11:48Yeah, well, not for them, couldn't care about them, but I...
11:52You can really see those new dad instincts kicking in.
11:57So, shall we see you meeting him?
11:59Yes.
12:02And will you tell me a bit about your philosophy of eating roadkill?
12:06Is it essentially an ethical form of meat-eating?
12:09It is. The animal hasn't unnecessarily suffered,
12:13it's died as a consequence of not knowing the highway code.
12:18And anyone who doesn't know the highway code must be punished.
12:21Animal or human.
12:23How old is the right sort of age for a good bit of roadkill?
12:27I've eaten some pretty rotten meat.
12:30It makes the house smell something awful when you're cooking it,
12:33but when you get your teeth into it, it's delicious.
12:36Hello, hello, hello. I must just say hello to this man.
12:40Hello, Tony. You all right?
12:42All right.
12:43Hello, Tony.
12:44I've got a television crew with me today, doing something over roadkill.
12:49You're on a television show, you know.
12:51Not today.
12:52Nice to meet you, Tony.
12:54Who's my next door neighbour?
12:57Well, there's something... something on the road down there.
13:01Ah, that looks a bit badgerish to me.
13:04It looks like a full badger.
13:06It is. This looks like it.
13:13Oh, yes.
13:15Boy or girl?
13:16It's a lady badger.
13:17I've brought my own marigolds, in case you want a hand.
13:20Have you? No, I guess I can manage.
13:23I've got her tucked away nicely. OK.
13:26I've put on my gloves for no reason at all, Arthur.
13:29Oh, there he is.
13:31Right, we'll get back and...
13:34and start the skinning.
13:36Great.
13:39I mean, it says a lot about how little chat me and Arthur had
13:42that they left in Tony.
13:45I thought Tony was a plot device.
13:47Because I imagine that maybe Tony had run over the badger.
13:50No.
13:51If this was a horror film, Tony's coming back.
13:54But can I just say, if this was a horror film,
13:56I mean, you would know immediately it was a horror film
13:59by the line, let's get back and start the skinning.
14:02Yeah.
14:03And also that classic horror line,
14:06I've put my marigolds on for no reason.
14:09I think they say in The Exorcist.
14:11That's where I nicked it from.
14:13My favourite moment, personally,
14:15is the sort of sprinting up to the badger as if...
14:18as if it was in a race with anyone else on the planet.
14:22Before they get it.
14:24Who?
14:25How do you feel about Arthur so far?
14:28We've all watched that and, against all odds,
14:31Tony is very much the breakout star.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:35I rarely have any opinions on Arthur or Ivo.
14:40Shall we move on?
14:41Yes, please.
14:42This is where the magic happens.
14:44You could put it that way.
14:46OK, now, put him down.
14:48And one badger in a bag.
14:50So that hook's just gone through the anus, has it?
14:53Yes.
14:54Entirely appropriate.
14:55OK, lift it up and nearer your way.
14:57Your way.
14:58It's an awfully crowded place, isn't it?
15:00Yes, it is.
15:01It is.
15:02Lift it up and nearer your way.
15:04Your way.
15:05It's an awfully crowded barn, Arthur.
15:07OK.
15:08This is badger.
15:09We're going to take off one of the legs.
15:12The good thing is the smell actually gets worse
15:14the more you split it open.
15:15Does it?
15:16I can't smell anything, I'm pleased to say.
15:18Right.
15:19I yearn for the same problem.
15:21The leg is about to come off.
15:23Right.
15:24Oh, look.
15:25There's the leg.
15:26We'll put him into the marinade.
15:28Mmm.
15:32There's something quite liberating about knowing
15:34one can just fart and it doesn't even matter.
15:36Coming in, get ready.
15:37Oh, lovely.
15:40I'll tell you what, Arthur, it's all I can do
15:42not to just eat the whole thing raw right now.
15:45Do you remember Roof Badger from series two of The Apprentice?
15:48No.
15:49Have you ever thought about wearing a badger carcass
15:51to a costume party?
15:52No.
15:53No.
15:54There we go.
15:55Look at that.
15:56We've got the meat for the stew.
15:58Let's get in there and deal with it.
16:00Anything to get out of this shed, Arthur?
16:04Well, the chemistry really continues.
16:08Yeah, he answered no to pretty much all of my questions
16:12and nothing more.
16:14A week before, my daughter had been born,
16:17as mentioned, I'm a new parent,
16:19one of those new parents that will happily just
16:21pop off to Cornwall a week into their child's life
16:23to eat a badger.
16:25And people say that one of the most romantic experiences
16:29as a new parent and one of the most joyous experiences
16:31is smelling your baby's head and the sense of intimacy
16:34and connection you get from that, which is beautiful.
16:37I would sacrifice that in an instant
16:39to have not had to smell that badger being skinned.
16:42It was really putrid stuff.
16:45So, Crunch Time, do you eat the pie?
16:47Yeah, of course.
16:48Prove it.
16:49Are you in the mood for eating?
16:51I think I'd better be.
16:53OK, here's the leg.
16:55Yes.
16:56Are you going to eat all of it?
16:58I can't make promises at this early stage.
17:03Oh, baby.
17:05It's a skull.
17:07Let's hope it's cooked.
17:11Shall we shake hands as is traditional?
17:13I think we should.
17:14Lovely.
17:15Can't delay the inevitable any longer.
17:17Bon appétit.
17:18Bon appétit.
17:19I'm going to start with a bit of crust.
17:21A little bit of the mass eater muscle.
17:24Mmm.
17:25Mmm.
17:26Lovely pastry.
17:27Such good pastry, I'm going to have a bit more pastry.
17:31The meat is lovely.
17:33I'm nearly there.
17:34Bit of carrot first.
17:36Bit of celery.
17:39He's delaying taking the plunge.
17:41How dare you?
17:43The longer I wait, the better it gets.
17:45Bit of wine.
17:51In it goes.
17:56Best badger I've ever tasted.
17:59It's well-cooked, isn't it?
18:01It is well-cooked.
18:02OK, it's good.
18:03I'll say one thing about this, it's not raw badger.
18:08Do you think in general I'm doing well, though, Arthur?
18:11Yes, you've tucked in like a good, hungry caveman.
18:15Well, let's cheers to that, Arthur.
18:17Thank you for unleashing the beast within me.
18:21APPLAUSE
18:26Can you describe the taste?
18:28I think if you'd told me it was lamb, I might have believed you.
18:33But obviously I knew it was badger,
18:35because I'd literally watched him skin it in his shed.
18:38Would you eat roadkill again?
18:40No, I wouldn't eat roadkill again.
18:42I'd love to see Arthur again, but at my house, on my terms.
18:46But I do feel I became more primal because of it.
18:49On the train home, I dropped some crisps on the floor.
18:52Previously, probably wouldn't have eaten them.
18:54Once you've eaten badger, you'll eat quavers off a train floor.
18:59We're going to log the worry that you have no primal instincts,
19:03and I'm going to log it, if you'll permit me, as a moderate worry.
19:07I think you've done a phenomenal job there,
19:09and I think you put yourself down.
19:11I think you do provide for your family.
19:13The difference is that you hunt with gecks and you kill audiences.
19:19Thank you, Ivo.
19:23That's it for this part.
19:25I'm off to Greg's now for a weasel pasty.
19:27I'll see you in a bit.
19:31Coming up on Ultimate Worryer...
19:33Yes, please, to a jellyfish crisp.
19:35Lovely. Oh, I've got a big pointer.
19:37Pointer that, mate.
19:41Stupid fucking sweets everywhere!
19:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:53Welcome back to Ultimate Worryer,
19:55where tonight we're fretting about planet Earth.
19:57Our next worry of the night is this one.
19:59I worry that the planet is keeping secrets from me.
20:02This is about the deep sea.
20:04Let's talk about the deepest part of water on the planet.
20:07This is the Mariana Trench,
20:09and the maximum depth is about 36,000 feet.
20:12I'm not genuinely... I would love to go that deep.
20:15Far more than I'm interested in...
20:18Yes.
20:21Rebecca has won a BAFTA, so please...
20:24Up your game a little bit, please.
20:26I'm fascinated by the thought of going that...
20:29Deep.
20:33There's no other word for deep, is there?
20:35I can't say... I mean, to go that down.
20:38It's worse.
20:40Yeah, you love going down.
20:43You love going down and you love going deep.
20:46It's...
20:48It's not just that it's so deep, it's so wet down there.
20:53Imagine...
20:55that we live on this planet and we haven't explored the oceans
20:59as much as we've explored space.
21:01He's still trying to do the serious geography bit.
21:04Everyone's waiting for you to say deep again.
21:07Also, now everything sounds like an innuendo to me.
21:10If you're saying we haven't explored the deepest oceans
21:13but we've explored space, I'm like, that's rude.
21:17I'm intrigued, but has nobody else got any urge to go down there and see...
21:21I'd love to go deep.
21:25You've ruined this.
21:29You've ruined this.
21:31I'm going to invite an expert out now
21:34in the hope that it brings some vague decorum to what has become,
21:38and I'm going to say it, an absolute shitshow of behaviour.
21:44So here to tell us what's really going on down there, please welcome...
22:00This is the last show of the series. I'm right on the brink.
22:04Don't push me into full breakdown.
22:07So...
22:10Here to tell us what's really going on down there,
22:13please welcome marine biologist Professor John Copley.
22:25So tell me what you do for a living.
22:28So I explore the dark half of our world
22:31that's covered by water more than a kilometre deep.
22:34Ignore him. Ignore him.
22:36Ignore him.
22:38I don't know what he was doing.
22:41Deep-sea John or above-ground John? Deep-sea John.
22:44We're seeing footage here. What are you doing here?
22:47Yeah, so I explore places on the ocean floor, like these hot springs.
22:51These are the world's deepest. This is about three miles deep.
22:54And superheated, mineral-rich water gushing out of the ocean floor there.
23:02You're going to tell all the other professors, don't go on that show.
23:06They pretend it's about science but they just want to talk about dicks.
23:12Let's have a look at the submarine that you go under in.
23:15So that looks quite big to me.
23:17Although that looks quite spacious,
23:19the bit that's carrying people is a hollow metal ball at the heart of that
23:23and it's only two metres across inside.
23:25There's three of us in there for eight to 12 hours.
23:27That allay any of your fears, Rebecca, of going down? No.
23:30I won't even go in the channel tunnel.
23:32Seriously, because it's under the water and you're enclosed.
23:35This is my idea of a nightmare.
23:37Have you ever had a time when you realised,
23:39oh, this is insane, why am I so far down in a little tube?
23:44You're aware of this vast darkness
23:47and you're picking your way across this landscape
23:50that's very different to the world up here.
23:52It feels like another world and yet that's the reality of most of our planet.
23:56That's what blows my mind about it.
23:58It's outer space, there's aliens and weird things that we could learn from
24:02and they're, like, there and we're not looking.
24:04I mean, you're looking.
24:05And we're discovering new species all the time.
24:08Some of my favourites, new species of something called bone-eating zombie worms.
24:13And these are worms that make a living from the skeletons of anything
24:18that dies and sinks down to the bottom of the ocean.
24:20I've got a mate in Cornwall who does something like that.
24:25Please, a massive thanks for Professor John Copley.
24:29Thank you, John.
24:34So we're going to log the worry that the planet is keeping secrets from me.
24:37Now, clearly that is going to be a moderate worry.
24:41I'm fascinated by fish. I'd love to be the guy that finds them.
24:44And if we've learned anything tonight, it's that a series of innuendos
24:48that sound like their penis is going into vaginas
24:50will be more genuinely entertaining and interesting than anything
24:54a fucking expert that I had brought to you people has to say.
24:58So it's a moderate worry.
25:05So, James, what's your worry for the index?
25:08John, you had the seven wonders of the world.
25:10Yes. I think we got them wrong.
25:12I think we're missing out on a lot of the proper wonders,
25:15the things that are really amazing,
25:17because we've given some pretty mainstream, just obvious choices
25:20too much airtime.
25:21I'd look at pyramids when I was a kid, do you know what I mean?
25:24Have you ever been to the pyramids? Not worth it.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28I've already heard about them in films, cartoons, TV.
25:33I'm going to go and see them. Teabags of them.
25:36So what we understand as the world wonders are things like this.
25:40So you've got the Colossus of Rhodes. Got built.
25:43Great Pyramid. Built.
25:45Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Hung.
25:49The Lighthouse of Alexandria.
25:51The Mausoleum at Halicarnassus.
25:53The Statue of Zeus at Olympia. Meh.
25:56And the Temple of Artemis at Ephesus.
25:59Most of those are drawings.
26:04I think if you're drawing something to sort of create awe as well,
26:08like the pyramids, don't draw a more interesting cloud
26:11above the thing you're trying to draw.
26:13I've never seen a cloud like that.
26:16It's stunning.
26:18Either of you fans of the classic wonders? Yeah.
26:20I'd like to go to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon on my stag
26:23so I could do my classic line,
26:25I thought I was well hung.
26:27And finally, I'd have some banter to share with the lads.
26:30I have my own ideas for what I think is worthy of admission
26:33as the seven wonders.
26:35So are you up for going head-to-head in a bidding war
26:37to replace the wonders with our own wonders?
26:39Oh, yeah, man. Any day.
26:41Rebecca and Ivo, if you don't mind being judges,
26:43so that this is a fair system,
26:44we're going to play a little bit of Wonder Poker.
26:46Please join me at the table.
26:56I don't know how you play poker, but you might like those,
26:59I'm going to raise you.
27:04In the event of a tie, Rebecca, your vote will be final.
27:07OK. Because you've won a BAFTA.
27:09Right, fair enough.
27:11First up, we're replacing this, the Colossus of Rhodes.
27:15James, you're going to bid to replace it.
27:17What are you going to lead with?
27:19Raise you.
27:24New York Thunder Bowl in Keterim.
27:30You have to...
27:32It's a wonder because it's in Keterim,
27:35but it's in New York.
27:37It's very disorientating for tourists,
27:39they can't figure out how a little slice of New York
27:42found its way to Keterim, Northamptonshire.
27:46I'll see your...
27:48I'll see that and I'll raise you Frontierland in Morecambe.
27:54Wild West-themed fun park.
27:56I mean, who couldn't feel like they're in New York?
27:58Who couldn't feel like they're in the Old West,
28:00in the heart of Morecambe town?
28:04Just caught myself in the monitors there,
28:06so I'm going to take those off.
28:12It's a point of phrase we used to use at Frontierland.
28:14I look like a dickhead.
28:17So it's over to the judges now.
28:19Who is going to replace the Colossus of Rhodes?
28:21Frontierland or...?
28:23New York Thunder Bowl. New York Thunder Bowl. Keterim.
28:25I'm taking Frontierland,
28:27not least because it has my name in it.
28:29Well, there was a lot more background to it.
28:31I didn't know that we were allowed to talk as long.
28:38Decision time.
28:39Yes, I think it's up to you, Rebecca, but I'm...
28:42Sorry, I'm really disappointed.
28:49Choose carefully, James, this will be our last round.
28:52I'm replacing the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.
28:55So I'm going to replace, on a sort of nature theme,
28:58I'm going to go with the Ashton Memorial in Lancaster,
29:01which is a lovely memorial.
29:03In much the same way the Great Wall of China is visible from space,
29:06the Ashton Memorial is visible from the M6.
29:11And I rest my case, all over.
29:15Right, I'm going to go for Kettering Market Square.
29:18Here's how this is a wonder. That's not plain fair, mate.
29:21That's the saddest picture I've ever seen.
29:23Right?
29:25That's some height... You try and get that much height on a fountain.
29:28Look at...
29:30That's more impressive than a pyramid.
29:32Or a hanging garden. Hanging garden's nothing.
29:34It's easy to get things to hang with gravity,
29:37to get things to go upwards...
29:39..in the centre of Kettering.
29:43It's Hanging Gardens of Babylon versus climbing waters of Kettering.
29:48So, it's decision time.
29:49I think it's got to be the Ashton Memorial.
29:51I don't even know what it's a memorial of,
29:53but you had me at visible from the M6.
29:55He built it for his wife. It's a classic tale of love.
29:58Oh, lovely.
29:59See, it is a bit more touching than the upwards fountains.
30:01Yeah. Sorry.
30:03Well, that's 2-0 to me.
30:04The petition will be sent to 10 Downing Street straight away.
30:08It's not even been completely pritt-sticked on.
30:10LAUGHTER
30:14I believe one of the Johns is going to deliver this to Theresa May,
30:18who is, at time of recording, the Prime Minister of the country.
30:23Thank you very much to our judges and thank you to James.
30:26APPLAUSE
30:32Now, obviously, I did win that 2-0,
30:34but it's only pointed out the flaws in the current system of wonders.
30:38So, even though I won, I'm going to put this in as a severe worry,
30:41cos there are five unchanged,
30:43and that's assuming that the powers that be
30:45back the two that we've sent in.
30:47I bet they won't. Bloody red tape.
30:50Thank you, James.
30:51APPLAUSE
30:57That's it for this part.
30:58Join us after the break when I'll reveal
31:00my biggest Earth-related worry of the night
31:03and I'll say more things that sound like willies.
31:06See you in a bit.
31:08APPLAUSE
31:22Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
31:24I'm about to confront my most troubling planet Earth worry of the night,
31:28which is this.
31:30I worry the world is totally screwed.
31:33This is a cracking little headline from the BBC last year.
31:37It's the final call to save the world from climate catastrophe,
31:42which is an absolute belter, isn't it?
31:44It really is last orders now
31:46in terms of not destroying ourselves imminently.
31:49Great news is we've got a climate change denier
31:52running the biggest economy in the world.
31:55Here he is expressing how much of a shit he gives about climate change.
31:59Does anyone have a suggestion for combating climate change?
32:02I mean, we're still using way too much packaging, I think.
32:05I kind of feel if we could just package things in things
32:08where we could take the packaging off
32:10and instantly use it as something else,
32:12like wrap things in tights or, you know, condoms.
32:15Wrap cucumbers in condoms.
32:17You take the cucumber, you have a salad, you've still got the condoms.
32:21I mean, there was a time that a phrase like
32:23wrap cucumbers up in condoms would have got a bigger laugh than that.
32:27It's no longer funny.
32:28Unfortunately, we wasted all our big laughs, didn't we,
32:32about underwater exploration.
32:34James, any ideas? Do you know what?
32:36I think they should get all the climate change deniers,
32:39there should be something we can do with them.
32:41Burn them for energy.
32:43That should be a thing.
32:45If they think it's not going to happen,
32:47they should sign a contract that says,
32:49if it happens, you can burn me for energy.
32:51Absolutely. If they're that confident about it.
32:53The UN have said that they say we've got 12 years left
32:56to avoid absolute meltdown.
32:58It feels like we're so far from dealing with it properly
33:01that, actually, I think the UN's lying.
33:03I think they know...
33:05I think they know it's already too late.
33:07I think they know that, actually, they're just saying 12 years
33:10so that we've got time to make the world so depressing
33:13that we'll all be glad, frankly, when the end comes.
33:16I think Donald Trump knows the truth
33:18and I think that's why he's withdrawn from the Paris Agreement,
33:21because he just wants a big party before the end of it.
33:24I feel like, to be honest, I'm just wasting my time, you know?
33:28I feel like I'm wasting my time talking to anyone.
33:31I feel like I'm wasting your time doing a fucking TV show.
33:35Frankly, we're all going to be underwater soon.
33:38We might as well all just accept the end and just give up, you know?
33:43You've got to ask yourself, what am I doing?
33:47Putting a cardigan on and talking shit?
33:50Putting a cardigan on and talking shit?
33:53I don't even like cardigans.
33:55I wore one once and someone said,
33:57oh, is that your thing, cardigans?
33:59And I thought, yeah, probably.
34:02All I want is a Big Mac.
34:04I want a Big Mac so much.
34:06I keep making new ones, bigger ones, smaller ones,
34:09ones with other meats in.
34:11I'm going to fucking eat all of them.
34:13I don't. I don't have one.
34:15I go back to my hotel and I get depressed and I eat crisps
34:18and then I come in and I make a fucking list of shit.
34:21Oh, let's put it all in a big...
34:23This is a waste of everyone's bloody time.
34:25I mean, to be honest, by the time we've recorded this,
34:28it's not going to go out, cos in the time we're editing it,
34:30the world will collapse.
34:32We might as well just put this in the fucking recycling as far as I'm concerned.
34:37Fuck the whole system. There's no point to any of it.
34:39Oh, I've got a big pointer.
34:41Pointer that.
34:44Fucking...
34:46Antibacterial hand gel to bloody save myself from fucking climate change.
34:56Sorry, come on.
34:58That went so much better than I ever thought it was going to.
35:02Stupid. Oh, what have you done today, Jon, to save the world?
35:05Oh, I've got all my sweets in fucking colour-coded fucking...
35:10I'm going to eat fucking dickheads.
35:15There's stupid fucking sweets everywhere.
35:24Fucking shit.
35:31But maybe I'm overreacting.
35:34APPLAUSE
35:39Is all of this a bit much for what is basically
35:41supposed to be an entertainment show?
35:43Well, here to find out if there is still some hope,
35:45please welcome to the show my friend and resident futurist,
35:47Mr Mark Stephenson.
35:55Just, er...
35:59Yeah, get the beefcake involved.
36:02It's a bit heavier than I...
36:04If you get the leverage underneath.
36:06Thanks, mate. That was satisfying.
36:09I feel like... Slippy.
36:11..one of the baddies in Home Alone.
36:15So, are we already screwed?
36:18Yes.
36:20Thanks for coming.
36:24Certainly, if we carry on the way we're going.
36:26I mean, it is damage limitation now.
36:28There's some things we can't turn around,
36:30so there's probably at least one metre or two metres
36:32of sea level rise already baked into the system,
36:34because most of the heat from climate change
36:36has gone into the water.
36:38So if we stopped emitting tomorrow,
36:40that would still be heating up the ice caps in Greenland.
36:42So if you're thinking of doing any end-of-the-pier shows,
36:45I'd get them in quickly.
36:48I was hoping I would stave off the end-of-the-pier level
36:51of my career for another ten years.
36:53When John does his How Deep Can I Go talk...
36:57So we've got one or two metres,
36:59absolutely 100% going to happen, whatever we do.
37:02Yeah, pretty much. I mean, at least one.
37:04And the problem is, as that water rises and laps around
37:07the ice caps or whatever, it's heating up more and more.
37:10So, at worst, it could go to 67 metres high.
37:13And what are people doing now to try and combat this change?
37:16The United Nations has created this thing
37:18called the Sustainable Development Goals,
37:2017 things we need to fix over the next 50 years.
37:22So one of the things that ordinary people can do
37:24is look at their pensions and say,
37:26if you're not investing in the SDGs, the Sustainable Development Goals,
37:29then your pension is largely pointless
37:31because you're investing in a world where you can't spend it
37:34because you're dead. Everybody happy?
37:37So, what is the number one thing that anyone watching,
37:40as an individual, can do at the moment?
37:42There's some very practical things you can do.
37:44If you're not on a renewable energy tariff, why not?
37:46It's just as cheap.
37:47When you buy your next car, make sure it's electric.
37:50But perhaps the best thing you can do is get sexy.
37:53By which I mean, get yourself fit
37:56and change your diet to have more fruit and veg in it.
37:59So if you're starting to eat a more healthy, balanced diet
38:01and you're taking the stairs and walking between meetings
38:03rather than taking transport, you can help save the planet
38:06and get yourself sexy, too.
38:10Sounds a bit grubby to me.
38:13Ladies and gentlemen, massive thank you for coming to talk to us.
38:16Mr Mark Stephenson.
38:23So the message is clear, we have to change our lifestyle
38:26if we want to stop changing the climate.
38:28I've taken matters into my own hands
38:30by building my very own eco-pub over there in my worry lab.
38:34So, Rebecca, Ivo, James, are you up for washing down your depression
38:38with a quick drink in the pub?
38:40Sure. Please join me.
38:43Thanks, guys.
38:49There's the Johns. Cracking set of lads.
38:53So if you'd all like a beer, please...
38:56This is a unique brew called Pissner beer.
39:00It's lager that is made with recycled urine.
39:05Bell ends up...
39:08Eww!
39:12So has anyone had a sip? Oh, Ivo's nearly finished it.
39:15I'm a badger boy. Badger has really changed, hasn't he?
39:18The old nickname comes back to haunt me.
39:21The urine isn't in the beer, so the urine is filtered
39:24and it's used to fertilise the crops.
39:27So it's used as a fertiliser, then the barley grows
39:29and then the beer is made.
39:31Cheers. So it's not direct piss.
39:33It is. Direct piss.
39:36I have pissed in them after that.
39:40It's still delicious. It's not bad.
39:42So we're now going to have a pub quiz,
39:44so I will be Quizmaster at the Eco Pub, the dead lion.
39:49So now you've got to earn your snacks.
39:51Question number one.
39:52How many packets of crisps are eaten in the UK each year?
39:56I'm looking for closest wins.
39:59I'm going to have to push you for an answer
40:01before the world ends.
40:03Oh, no. I've just seen Rebecca's answer and my answer is stupid.
40:07I don't know anything. I know nothing.
40:10Let's open with you, then.
40:11How many packets of crisps are eaten each year in the UK?
40:13500,000?
40:15500,000.
40:16That's not a lot, is it?
40:17I think it means not just one person.
40:21Ivo?
40:22Bit of a step up from James. I've gone 500 million.
40:25Wow. Rebecca?
40:26I've gone 5.2 million.
40:28The closest answer there was Ivo's, with 500 million.
40:31I shouldn't really give you the point,
40:33because the correct answer is six billion.
40:35Six billion packets of crisps each year.
40:38Crisps have a devastating effect on the impact,
40:40the sort of soil erosion of growing all those potatoes,
40:43and the packets themselves are non-recyclable.
40:46So here are a couple of future-proof alternatives.
40:49So what you have there, those are mealworm twiglets.
40:52They're not really twiglets, they're just mealworms.
40:55And what you have in the little Petri dish there,
40:57I just think any food looks nicer in a Petri dish.
41:00Those are jellyfish crisps.
41:02Wow.
41:03And they thrive in warm waters, so as the oceans are becoming warmer,
41:06jellyfish are thriving to the point where they're actually becoming a problem.
41:09So, Ivo, you were the winner of the last round.
41:11Would you like a jellyfish crisp?
41:13He was literally just looking at you, waiting for you to stop talking
41:16so he could eat the thing.
41:18I could see it in his eyes.
41:20Couldn't wait.
41:21Yeah. So I've watched myself on video eating a badger.
41:24I mean, dignity-wise, there's nowhere left to go.
41:27So, yes, please, to a jellyfish crisp.
41:30Lovely. Great start.
41:32Straight into an hour.
41:33Eat the mealworms now?
41:34Yeah.
41:35You want a little mealworm?
41:36Acaster's loving this.
41:38You want to get involved as well?
41:39No.
41:43So next, this is a drink called Soylent.
41:46They've got no flavour in there.
41:48Soylent is a non-GMO, vegan, gluten-free powder
41:51that contains one-fifth of all essential micronutrients.
41:57And there's a special final prize.
41:59The first person to successfully down their Soylent
42:02will win tonight's mystery prize.
42:05So, here we go.
42:06Here's to the future, guys. It looks tasty.
42:17Ivo Graham, I can reveal that you win tonight's prize,
42:20which is the meat raffle by our sponsor, Boyce Butchers.
42:23It's this bag of mixed roadkill...
42:27..that's yours to take home to the family.
42:32If anyone were to win, then I'm glad it's you.
42:35So, we're going to log the worry now.
42:37The worry is, I worry the world is totally screwed.
42:39How can it be anything other than a severe worry?
42:41Because I don't know if it was clear earlier from my meltdown,
42:44the world is absolutely, completely screwed.
42:46So, to reiterate, it's a severe worry.
42:51APPLAUSE
42:54That's it for this week on Ultimate Worryer.
42:56Thanks to my guests, Ivo Graham, Rebecca Front, James Acaster.
43:00Thanks for watching. I'll probably never see you again.
43:03Unless we get a third series.
43:07Bye-bye.
43:08APPLAUSE
43:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE