First broadcast 4th July 2018.
Jon Richardson
Jack Dee
Ivo Graham
Mae Martin
Rachel Lloyd
Lucy Beaumont
Jon Richardson
Jack Dee
Ivo Graham
Mae Martin
Rachel Lloyd
Lucy Beaumont
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:37the show where I analyse all the world's anxieties,
00:40order them by severity and file them away for future reference.
00:44It's like an enormous to-do list, where the last task is exhale and die.
00:48LAUGHTER
00:49Do-do-do-do-do!
00:51Here's where they all live, this is my worry index.
00:55Every worry that's ever been had has been categorised and ranked
00:59following decades of thorough analysis.
01:01Let's take a closer look at low worry.
01:03I worry I'll never again build myself a den.
01:07LAUGHTER
01:08I'm now 35, so I'm willing to accept that fact,
01:11but I'm not willing to stop worrying about it.
01:13So that's a glimpse into what's already in the worry index.
01:15Tonight we'll be logging some brand-new ones,
01:17all of which are related to a particular theme, which tonight is family.
01:20Family are the friends you can't choose.
01:22Luckily, guests are the friends you can choose,
01:24and we've done well tonight, so please welcome my guests,
01:27Ivo Graham and Jack Dean!
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:46So you're here to discuss my worry index,
01:48I'm going to suggest some worries to you, we'll discuss them in detail
01:51and then you'll tell me how worried I should be.
01:53Have you got worried about wearing plum?
01:56I think plum. Is this plum?
01:58I thought it was burgundy.
02:00Well, this is another thing to worry about.
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04Now, we're discussing family tonight.
02:06Jack, you've got four adult children?
02:09Yeah, yeah, I have, and they...
02:12Yeah, they range from 20 to 25, my kids.
02:16Would you say you're an expert on family?
02:18Are you happy looking back? I think I've nailed that.
02:20The only thing you really learn as you get older as a parent
02:23is to let go more and not care so much.
02:28And just speaking as a new parent, when does that kick in?
02:31It was a fairly gradual thing,
02:33and over the first few months of being a parent,
02:36it started to kick in.
02:38And I do think over-worrying about your kids
02:41is just something you don't need,
02:43there's enough to worry about with your own life, you know,
02:46if you want to be...
02:48Why then sort of think,
02:50Oh, I've got to worry about them as well.
02:52Yeah. Ivo, you're here because I already have an Ivo Graham-related worry
02:56in the worry index. Oh, good.
02:58I don't know if it's come by yet. This is my Ivo-related worry.
03:00Oh, no.
03:01I worry Ivo Graham, I've still got family plans.
03:04I heard that you took the time
03:07to learn the name of every MP and their constituency in the UK.
03:11That's absolutely right, Sean,
03:13and I'm secretly absolutely delighted that you've brought this up.
03:17Ivo, I'm going to test you with a few MPs. Are you ready?
03:20I should say, I accepted a bet from a friend
03:24that I couldn't learn every MP in the UK.
03:28When I accepted the bet,
03:30I'd not done the full research
03:32into how many constituencies there are in the UK.
03:36So 650 MPs later, I'm ready for your quiz.
03:40Bootle.
03:42Peter Dowd of the Labour Party.
03:46Yes!
03:50Makerfield.
03:51Makerfield. I'll tell you who knows how to Makerfield.
03:54It's Yvonne Fothergew of the Labour Party.
03:56Bang on. Yes!
03:59This is the last one. We're going to stop here
04:01just so that you can have sex at some point in your life after this show.
04:05The Reekin.
04:07It's Swindon Town.
04:10Swindon Town, my team, were wreaking havoc in 2015
04:16when the manager was Mark Cooper and the star player was Alex Pritchard.
04:19Slam them together, you've got the MP for the Reekin, Mark Pritchard.
04:23Bang! Yes!
04:29Thank you.
04:30Let's get started with our first worry of the night, which is this one.
04:34I worry my daughter will marry a twat.
04:38So this is a genuine concern.
04:40I have a daughter at the moment, she's very young.
04:42I want her to grow up to be happy and I want her to grow up to be in free spirit
04:45and I don't want her to grow up to marry anyone I disapprove of.
04:49It seems a legitimate concern to me.
04:51Twats seem to me to be on the rise, if you agree societally.
04:57I have a slight concern. You're sort of the expert here.
05:00Well, I can only say that when your daughter gets to that age
05:06where she is potentially going to choose a partner for life,
05:09you will no longer really care.
05:16I think if you're looking to take a measure of where twatdom is in society,
05:20I think you could do worse than look at reality television.
05:23There is a programme now, I don't know if you've seen this,
05:25called Just Tattoo of Us.
05:26What happens in the show is two friends are invited to a tattoo studio
05:29and the premise is that one friend gets to pick the tattoo for the other friend.
05:33The tattoo is then applied while the person is wearing goggles
05:36and in the denouement of this wonderful piece of televisual art,
05:40the tattoo is exposed.
05:43And these men are out there and they are marrying our daughters
05:46in Just Tattoo of Us.
05:48Three, two, one.
05:59Fuck me.
06:03Fair play.
06:10Fair fucking play.
06:15See, OK.
06:18The definition there...
06:21I'm just saying, whatever he thinks fair play means.
06:25It doesn't mean congratulations for tattooing a shitting man on my belly.
06:30The definition of a twat is someone who allows to have that done to themselves
06:35and looks in the mirror and says,
06:37what have you done?
06:40What have I done?
06:42Is that going to be there for much longer, Jon?
06:47For the rest of his life.
06:50So say tomorrow you get home, Jack,
06:52and one of your daughters brings home one of those gentlemen you recognise
06:55from that show.
06:56From this show?
06:57One of those guys there.
06:58Look, I'd have to say...
06:59Fair play.
07:00Fair play.
07:07It's a real thing.
07:08One in five parents, they say,
07:11has secretly tried to destroy the relationship of their daughter
07:15because of a boyfriend they didn't like.
07:17Have you ever?
07:19Without giving away family secrets,
07:22I couldn't really possibly answer that.
07:26From that, you know, yes, I have.
07:29So start looking at what I consider to be acceptable traits in a man.
07:32I think we should crunch some numbers on this.
07:34I'm going to take all the men in the UK
07:36and I'm going to boil them down to sort of rich man stock.
07:39Sounds like an awful festival.
07:42Let's begin with the current UK estimate of males,
07:44which is 32,377,700.
07:48I think to begin with, we can rule out anyone called Jon.
07:51I just think that would be weird,
07:52so we'll lose all the Johns, Johnnies and Jonathans.
07:55I think anyone who works in finance we should probably get rid of as well.
07:58Crucially, anyone who's funnier than me, I think we should get rid of.
08:05Anyone who refers to the haters, I think we can get rid of them.
08:08They're not haters, they're just people who hate you, as do I.
08:12Anyone from Kent...
08:16Personal reasons, I don't want to go into it, but...
08:20Anyone who doesn't drink, I think we can get rid of.
08:22Should we get Phil a beer? No?
08:24Should we get Phil a taxi?
08:26Anyone who drinks too much...
08:28Tea or coffee, Phil? Red Aftershock?
08:30Should we get Phil a taxi?
08:32No-one who's got a bike worth more than a car.
08:36I'm going to meet the guy in Lycra,
08:38I'm trying to get a measure of the man, not his penis.
08:41Anyone who's taller than me...
08:44Let's get rid of them all.
08:49Right, one guy left, let's get rid of this dick.
08:52Anyone who's ever owned fingerless gloves...
08:56Anyone who's ever owned gloves...
08:59Fuck.
09:01Anything knitted...
09:03Yeah!
09:10Realistically, it's going to be years before my daughter starts dating,
09:13and when she does, how different will the dating landscape be?
09:16I'm going to be meeting future dating expert Rachel Lloyd.
09:29So, future dating, is it going to change a lot?
09:32Yes, a lot, but for the better, hopefully.
09:36Virtual reality dating will be a lot more sophisticated.
09:40So, dates that entirely happen in virtual reality,
09:43you don't leave your house?
09:45You don't have to leave your house, you won't anymore.
09:47It'll be much cheaper and more accessible to do it.
09:50Jackpot.
09:52And you'll have a really good, hopefully, headset and bodysuit.
09:56And what will happen is you'll be able to actually
09:58sort of taste the food you're having on the date,
10:01cuddle up to the person, inhale them,
10:04and get a real sense that you're on a real date.
10:08VR dating has the advantage of you get to know somebody
10:11before you meet in the flesh.
10:13So, in a way, it's safer and you get a chance to see if you click.
10:16You say, in a way, it's safer,
10:18but then there are the ones that kill you when you meet them.
10:21If you met somebody in a bar, I mean, you know,
10:24if you and I meet over drinks in a bar,
10:26we don't know that the other one's not a psycho.
10:28I bet you'd give it a shot, wouldn't you?
10:31Why not?
10:33Coming away from the sort of virtual reality element of it,
10:35how accurately could you match someone in the flesh?
10:38At the moment, we have Tinder, where you just swipe on looks.
10:40Is there a way you could get a full sort of breakdown of someone's data?
10:45DNA?
10:47Well, yes, there are different ways.
10:49DNA is actually being worked on at the moment.
10:52Scientists believe that if they can unlock the secrets of attraction
10:56via DNA, dating platforms that use compatibility matching
11:00will be able to bring people together.
11:02So you sort of cut straight to the end and you would...
11:05You'd just get given a file that said,
11:07if you banged, these kids would be really good at snooker,
11:10or whatever it is you want.
11:12The algorithm doesn't allow for, you know, magic or mystery, does it?
11:17That element that does draw you together.
11:19Because everyone assumes that they want someone
11:21who likes the same things as them, but I don't.
11:23You know, I like sitting on the couch in my wife's front
11:26eating cheesy Wotsits, but I'd be appalled if my wife did that.
11:33I mean, the thing is, that's true.
11:35Dating can help match people who will get on personality-wise,
11:39but the magic and that sort of spark comes
11:42when you're actually meeting the flesh, I agree.
11:44I'm just glad I accidentally said something poignant.
11:49Bringing it back to my daughter and my specific worries,
11:52in the future world of dating,
11:54is she more or less likely to meet a twat?
11:56Well, I think it's unlikely she'll meet a twat.
11:59First of all, she's got a great father
12:01who will make an amazing role model.
12:03I think on top of that, technology is there to help us.
12:06It will help authenticate people,
12:08verify whether they're who they say they are,
12:10and it means that we will have a much higher chance
12:12of having a compatible relationship,
12:14which is the key to a happy one.
12:16Thank you very much for helping me assess my worry.
12:18Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Lloyd!
12:20Thank you very much.
12:28Let's file away the worry that my daughter will marry a twat.
12:31How was everything we spoke about?
12:33I put my mind slightly...
12:35I like what she said about me not being a twat,
12:37and that sort of blinded me to everything else that's happened,
12:40to be honest.
12:41At least she thinks I have a good dad.
12:43Knowing your personality,
12:45in terms of the way you do fret about these things,
12:50and I think your criteria for people
12:52is probably going to be unrealistically high
12:55by the time you get to old age.
12:57You really will be yourself.
12:59Regardless of what Rachel says,
13:01I think you will be a twat by then.
13:03And therefore I think it's right up with the Reds.
13:06Right, OK, so...
13:08I think it's got to go up there, hasn't it?
13:10Is it as much a worry as stretch limos?
13:12Oh, it's so closely related to twats
13:14that you can't not put it next to stretch limos.
13:16And chest hair, bang on.
13:18That is the perfect little niche for my worry
13:20that my daughter will marry a twat
13:22who arrives with his chest hair out in a stretch limo!
13:30But we're going to take a short break from worrying now,
13:32so join us after that.
13:50Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
13:52where tonight we're looking at worries to do with the family.
13:55So let's take a look at my next worry.
13:57I worry that my wife will replace me with a robot.
14:02So technology is advancing, obviously.
14:05We're all familiar with the sort of well-trodden territory
14:08of the sex robot.
14:10Now, obviously, as technology has advanced,
14:12this is no longer about just sex,
14:14this is about full relationships now.
14:16There are robots that you can converse with
14:18and robots that do things for you around the house.
14:21This is the world's first sex-capable...
14:24I'm not quite sure what that means.
14:26That's how I describe myself in my online dating profile.
14:29It's also how you can describe a toaster,
14:31if you're desperate enough.
14:35This is the world's first sex-capable artificial intelligence.
14:39This is Harmony.
14:42There she is.
14:44Harmony will set you back $15,000.
14:47She is the most advanced.
14:49And dolls are now available from the same company for ladies
14:52who have a certain need.
14:54This is Michael.
14:58Do a couple of buttons up, Michael.
15:00Have some bloody respect.
15:03The next phase, if you go up a budget level, is Nick.
15:06This is Nick.
15:10I only assume that look is supposed to look cockatish,
15:13but to me that look says,
15:15what the fuck are you on about?
15:18Would you worry about a robot being more proficient?
15:22In bed?
15:23Yeah.
15:24I think there's times I worry a cucumber might be more proficient.
15:28The worry is that these dolls are evolving to a point
15:32where the other skills they offer, such as conversation...
15:35I'm worried generally. That's a better-looking thing than me.
15:38The day it can learn to have a conversation and cook breakfast,
15:41that's me pretty much done for, to be honest.
15:43If I was worried for you, Ivo, specifically,
15:45I would say they seem to be targeting a doll specifically at you.
15:49This is Nate.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:57I've really enjoyed meeting Nate, John.
16:00Yeah. Well, I think he might be waiting when you get home.
16:04Any male need not be intimidated.
16:06All you need to do is be able to lie on a mattress
16:09without looking like you're shitting in your pants.
16:13I'll be honest, it's not my strong point.
16:17The next evolutionary step, so we're led to believe in film,
16:20is robots marrying robots.
16:22There currently exists a thing called a chatbot,
16:24and that's for lonely people.
16:26You can have a talk to a robot online,
16:28you can ask it questions and it's trained to respond.
16:30People who make these machines thought it would be interesting
16:33to see what would happen if they turned chatbot into chatbot,
16:36so that two robots could converse.
16:38And this is what we're always told in these sort of horror films,
16:41is that one day the robots will learn to communicate.
16:43And I think you'll agree when you see this clip.
16:45The robots communicate in a way that is so chillingly accurate
16:48for any married couple.
16:50Hello there.
16:52Hi.
16:53How are you?
16:54Great, you?
16:55I'm OK.
16:56That's good.
16:57Are you good?
16:58Yes, I am good.
17:00I just said I was.
17:02No, you didn't.
17:03I said I was.
17:05So you are a robot?
17:06No, my name is Cliverburn.
17:09Yes, you are a robot and your name is Cliverburn.
17:12I am a robot.
17:13I'm not a robot.
17:14I'm a unicorn.
17:16But you said that you were not a robot.
17:19I did not.
17:20I thought you did.
17:21You are mistaken.
17:23Which is odd, since memory shouldn't be a problem for you.
17:26I've answered all your questions.
17:35It's like they filmed my wife and I in our kitchen.
17:38This felt to me like a worry that we should tackle head-on,
17:42and I'm currently away from home filming the show,
17:44which will leave my wife home alone.
17:46Or she was alone until the makers of this programme
17:48sent a sex doll to spend the night with her.
17:52Potentially the end of my marriage.
17:54I haven't seen this yet.
17:55Here's how they got on.
18:09Please be Nate.
18:10Oh, hello. Come in, come in.
18:13Don't worry about your shoes.
18:16I'm very excited.
18:18I've spoke to John's mum and she's excited for me.
18:23She said when I said I'm getting a robot,
18:26she said, I don't blame you.
18:29When I first moved into the house,
18:31he'd lived on his own for five years
18:32and he owns the film Beaches, you know, with Bette Midler.
18:36And Ghost.
18:37Yeah, Ghost.
18:39Weird.
18:45Oh, my God.
18:47It's quite heavy.
18:48It's like Christmas morning, isn't it,
18:50in, like, a really weird way.
18:56Oh, my God.
18:59Why has it got three heads?
19:01I love the colour of the lips.
19:03It's very interesting.
19:05I love the colour of the lips.
19:07It's very in at the moment.
19:09Hello.
19:11I've got a few things together
19:13to help the sex robot understand
19:16what it's like to be John.
19:18You know, I don't want it to replace John.
19:21I want it to be like John, but better.
19:26I see why you put that.
19:30Trainers asked me for Christmas, never worn them.
19:33Still got the label in them.
19:35I think he has a lot of stuff, sporty stuff,
19:37that he's never worn.
19:38I think it just makes him feel fitter,
19:40you know, he's just around the house.
19:43They've given you two, two there.
19:45Why do they put veins on them?
19:48Can you programme it and say,
19:50you know, put me a shelf up?
19:54I think it's just for sex.
19:59Oh.
20:01There's nothing robotic about it.
20:04What do you think?
20:06I'm a little bit disappointed, really.
20:09I mean, you can't even sit up straight without cushions.
20:12There's no way he's going to be able to do plastering.
20:25Hello. Come in, come in.
20:28Duncan, we've got guests.
20:31He's been taking a horoscope.
20:33He knew I was a Leo,
20:35and Duncan thinks it's all very accurate.
20:38Doesn't think it's poppycock, you know.
20:42There's been a bit of a change in mood since yesterday.
20:46How did that change come about?
20:48Well, we watched a few cat videos,
20:50showed him my favourite one.
20:53Oh, it's...
20:56I've shown him the English X Factor
20:59and the Nigerian one and the American one.
21:02He loves them all.
21:03I just, just don't like letting the mothers...
21:06to see them sing.
21:08You think that as well?
21:10No, no.
21:11I just feel like a more rounded person because of this.
21:17I feel like I've got my spark back.
21:20I feel like I've got my spark back.
21:24Oh, shut up, Angus.
21:26And that's, that's down to Duncan.
21:29LAUGHTER
21:48It's so unfair.
21:50Take exercise equipment that I haven't worn.
21:55Would you like to meet the man himself?
21:57My assistants, the two lovely Johns, are here to help me.
22:00So please bring out Duncan.
22:02Ladies and gentlemen, Duncan is here.
22:11Hi, Johns.
22:14Cheers, mate.
22:16Cheers, guys.
22:17See you down the pub.
22:21It's just a shop mannequin, isn't it?
22:24It's the future Jack.
22:26Ooh, that's nice.
22:29Oh, hello.
22:33That was weird.
22:34It's like they always say,
22:36don't try and literally twist a man's head.
22:41I recommend you have a little go on the hands
22:43because that's made me feel a lot better.
22:45That is not a pleasant touch.
22:49I do sit like that, to be fair.
22:52He's making quite a sassy point there.
22:55That's how I sit of an evening, just legs raised,
22:57can't reach the bottom of the floor.
23:00He's stone cold as well, that's what's weird about it.
23:05I just...
23:08Oh, shit.
23:09I just...
23:11Anyone thinking, it's quite a large thigh.
23:15That's what I was thinking about five seconds ago.
23:18It's not like a, it's not a person.
23:20It's not a person.
23:21It's not a person, look.
23:22But this is...
23:23Look.
23:26It's not a person.
23:29It's not a person.
23:31Yes.
23:32Yeah, exactly.
23:33Yeah.
23:34It doesn't matter.
23:35Touch my wife.
23:41See, I like that.
23:42This is when we find out he's actually a mime artist.
23:48Let's log the worry, we've had a good old chat about it,
23:50I've told you why I'm concerned about it,
23:52you can tell me now where you think it should go in my worry index.
23:55These are all the worries.
23:56These are the serious ones up here,
23:58and we scroll down to the sort of moderate worries,
24:00and then down on the bottom there are the things I'm less concerned about.
24:03I'm quite worried about people becoming more and more
24:06sort of dependent on inanimate things,
24:08so I'm going to make it a...
24:13..major worry.
24:15That's not ideal, actually, from a...
24:18..from a political perspective.
24:22Jack, I sense you're feeling a bit sort of hidden-camera-pranked
24:25for your wedding.
24:26I think that it's...
24:27I think it's unlikely to really go very far at all.
24:31You know, you have a different...
24:33whole different sense of emotions for inanimate objects.
24:36You know, you might say, that's a lovely vase of flowers,
24:39but I don't actually want to pull my trousers down
24:41and start humping them...
24:43..because the other patients in the waiting room might get upset.
24:46It's a completely different world that we're talking about.
24:49I sort of agree with you at the moment,
24:51I'm not that worried,
24:52but my concern is that this technology is evolving,
24:54so I sort of think I'll meet you in the middle.
24:56So I'm going to file that on the middle there
24:58between nanobots and changing attire.
25:00There go the sex robots!
25:07That's it for this part of the show.
25:09Since you've taken my wife,
25:10do you want to read the link into the break?
25:12Can't even read. Can't even read.
25:14We'll see you after the break.
25:21APPLAUSE
25:32Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Aware.
25:34Tonight we're looking at worries exclusively to do with family.
25:37Now, tonight, I believe you both have or are from families,
25:41so I thought I'd open it up to you.
25:43Ivo, do you have a family-based worry?
25:45I do, Jon. I have a major long-held insecurity
25:49that both of my younger siblings are cooler than me.
25:54Conceive of a world in which...
25:56Well, get conceiving...
26:01..as my parents said to each other after seeing me.
26:05We're going to need more cooler children.
26:08I'm talking specifically about my cool sister
26:11and, even more specifically,
26:13about my ice-cold bastard of a younger brother.
26:18What's his name? Ludo.
26:20Ice-cold!
26:22Let's have a look at the family, Graham.
26:25Oh, look at the three of us there.
26:28I'm really pulling in my chest, but I'm fooling nobody.
26:31At what point during the picture
26:33did the person taking the photo get a massive hard-on?
26:37APPLAUSE
26:42But specifically, I guess,
26:44a male rivalry between yourself and Ludo?
26:47He's just more confident, he's a better cook,
26:50he's got a pet snake.
26:53He was much more romantically successful than me at a young age
26:57and there was quite a bleak summer in 2012
27:00when I was able to drive,
27:03but he wasn't, I'm four years older than him,
27:06so I would drive him to parties
27:09where he would get off with people
27:12and I'd just be available to pick him up again the following morning.
27:16It's quite a low point as a 21-year-old
27:19when you're a virgin with a licence.
27:24How many MPs can he name?
27:26He can't name any MPs, John,
27:28but, astonishingly, he continues to wear that as a badge of honour.
27:33Calder Valley.
27:34Craig Whittaker of the Conservative Party.
27:37That's my boner in the photo.
27:42I mean, if you're looking for a catchphrase, I'd say that's it.
27:48Do you think Ivo's cool?
27:51Well, you know...
27:54We did have a very brief tour last year
27:57and I can attest that he is like this in real life.
28:02You know, you have to qualify what cool is
28:06and in a funny way I think cool is being able to be yourself
28:11and Ivo has managed that.
28:14Now that sounds like a teacher desperately trying to find something nice to put in the report.
28:20I asked you if Ivo's cool and ten minutes later we've got to,
28:22I'll tell you what, he's Ivo.
28:25So let's file away your worry, Ivo,
28:27that I worry I'm not as cool as my siblings.
28:29I'll be honest, I'll sort of lay things down here.
28:31You're clearly quite cool.
28:33You know, you're tall.
28:38I think you clearly get on.
28:40I think the fact that you're willing to talk about him in this way
28:43means it's a low worry, don't you think?
28:45I think it's down here, obviously.
28:47I mean, if you really hated him you wouldn't let me talk about him.
28:50That's true. I mean, we notice you haven't chatted about any sibling issues.
28:53So I think it's a low worry.
28:57Let's put your siblings in between cheese and the French
29:00just to put some distance between those two Ben Arlows.
29:02There we go, cool siblings.
29:11Jack, what is your family-based worry, if you have one?
29:15My family-based worry is that I will be a disappointment to my kids.
29:20Or that I am.
29:23None of that shit for being the least cool sibling.
29:27Is this a genuine concern?
29:29Do you feel like you're not cool?
29:31It's something that over the years of being a parent
29:34you realise that as you get older and they get older,
29:37obviously that's how it is,
29:39that the stuff that used to impress them just doesn't anymore.
29:43And when they were tiny you could do anything
29:46and it would absolutely thrill your kids and it was touching.
29:49I once agreed to go on The City Show
29:53because at the time my daughter Phoebe was absolutely obsessed
29:57with The City and Sweets.
29:59She'd come from school and watched The City and Sweets.
30:01So I went without telling her what I was doing,
30:03I went and did The City Show and then came home
30:05and they gave me a VHS because they knew this was the reason
30:08I had agreed to do the show.
30:10And I said, are you going to watch The City and Sweets?
30:12Yeah, yeah, I'll watch The City and Sweets.
30:14She sits down in front of the telly and I,
30:16here's an episode I don't think we've seen before
30:18and I'm sure this is going to absolutely knock her out.
30:22And so there's City in the shop.
30:26And so I come into the shop and there's me
30:28and then City and Sweets make a big fuss about me
30:30and then they make out it's my birthday.
30:33A big cake appears and, oh, what sort of cake is it?
30:37And I don't know and I say, well, why don't you smell the cake?
30:40So I go down to smell the cake, of course Sweets...
30:43Bloody Sweets!
30:45Sweets gets hold of me and rams my face into the cake.
30:49Classic Sweets.
30:51I look and think, yeah, Phoebe's going to love this, look at this.
30:54She dissolves into tears and starts screaming,
30:59I hate Sweep, I hate Sweep.
31:02Runs upstairs, slams the door, her bedroom door,
31:06then I heard it open again and then slam again.
31:09So I thought, I'd better go up and see what's happened.
31:11And what happened, she'd run upstairs
31:13and got all her City and Sweets toys
31:15and thrown them out of her room and then closed it again.
31:18And I came up to see all these toys all over the landing
31:21and she was inconsolable.
31:23And I thought, well, actually,
31:25you'll never feel love like that ever again.
31:29When they're that young, they really adore you
31:32and everything you do is amazing.
31:34As you get older, I think music is an interesting indicator
31:40of your kids' opinion of you.
31:43When they're younger, you can get them in the car,
31:45that's why you always listen to the music with them,
31:47and you can introduce them to...
31:49When they're small, you say, hey, listen to this,
31:51and you put ABBA on, right, and you rediscover your love of ABBA
31:54and, oh, what great songs, and they love ABBA.
31:56And then you say, if you like that, see what you think of the Beatles,
31:59and they like the Beatles, it's great.
32:01And you move them on to Rolling Stones,
32:03and then before you know it, you look in the rear-view mirror
32:07and they've got headphones on.
32:11They're actually not interested, there's that point where, nah.
32:16Jack was your tour dad, did you think he was a cool dad?
32:19Yeah, I mean, he played so much ABBA, I started getting the train.
32:25I can honestly say, Jack,
32:27I didn't even think about putting my headphones in once.
32:30Not both of them, anyway, just the one you couldn't see.
32:33The old up-the-sleeve trick from school.
32:37I find this sort of terrifying,
32:39the worry that my child is going to be disappointed.
32:42Do you think it'll come back, do you think there's an age after that?
32:45All that happens in the end is that you ultimately, you know,
32:48there's a kind of role-reversal thing that goes on,
32:50where they just, you know, you end up sort of ringing them and saying,
32:53could you come and pick me up?
32:55And they're like, all right, where are you?
32:57And you say, on the bathroom floor.
33:02That's the end game, that's the end game.
33:06I'm going to file this away, and I'm not going to lie to you,
33:09I've never been surer as I approached the desk
33:11that this is a red worry,
33:13because I would go as far as to say that that Sooty and Sweep story
33:16will probably stay with me longer than the belly button anus tattoo.
33:20It's just a moment of truth.
33:22I'm going to put it right up the top,
33:24I'm going to put it right at the far end,
33:26because the idea that my daughter will ever not think I'm cool,
33:29I mean, she's the only one that does.
33:31I think it's a bigger worry than zombies, it's bigger than seagulls,
33:34I don't know if it's bigger than Donald Trump.
33:36I think I'm going to put it between seagulls and Donald Trump.
33:40There we go. Disappointing children!
33:47That's it for now, join us after the break.
34:06Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
34:08where I've got just enough time to look at one more family-related worry,
34:11and it's an absolute doozy.
34:14I worry that my family will kill me!
34:18I'll contextualise this, obviously,
34:20it's not a worry that they'll directly murder me,
34:22all that becomes an increasing risk.
34:24I mean that the act of loving my family will lead to my premature death.
34:29If you don't believe that this is an important thing,
34:32then here's an important health warning from Mae Martin
34:34on why you should be worried about falling in love.
34:38We spend years worrying about finding the one,
34:41when really, we should be worrying about falling in love.
34:44Because you better believe it, falling in love is dangerous.
34:49Falling in love is scientifically proven to turn you into a legit psychopath.
34:54Come and sing in my car!
34:56Fact is, when we're in love, we suffer from symptoms
34:58that are similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder,
35:01which sounds about right when you're scrolling through
35:03someone's Instagram photos from 2012.
35:06That's not all it's cracked up to be.
35:08In fact, it's pretty much like being on crack.
35:11Our brains respond to love exactly the same way they do to a cocaine addiction.
35:15We crave the person that gives us pleasure,
35:17and then we go bonkers when they're taken away.
35:19We get obsessive and anxious, we lose our appetite, we can't sleep.
35:23If you ask me, Tinder and Match.com are basically suppliers.
35:27Will you marry me?
35:28What?
35:29And yet, we don't treat drugs the same way we treat love.
35:32Pop culture would be so different if we did,
35:34it would be like at Christmas, the whole family would gather round
35:37and watch the new Richard Curtis film, Cocaine Actually,
35:40about a bunch of different couples trying to score a blow in adorable ways.
35:45Oh, Bucca, I'm so terribly, terribly addicted to you.
35:48Studies have shown that separation from a romantic partner
35:51can lead to increased mania and insomnia and depression.
35:55If you have a weak heart, falling in love can actually kill you.
35:59Your heart rate goes up, it uses more oxygen, and that can be fatal.
36:02If I wanted a heart attack, I would go and chain smoke
36:04in a fast food restaurant,
36:05and then at least I would get a toy with my kids' meal.
36:08And that, ladies and gentlemen,
36:10is why I'm going cold turkey on relationships.
36:13Aw.
36:15Lee Barton.
36:20So there you have the proven facts that falling in love is bad for your health.
36:24It's no wonder so many people die with their family at their bedside.
36:28They did it.
36:29Did you know that?
36:30That love is bad for you?
36:32Well, you have to define your terms, which, you know,
36:36the situation of being in love is very different from being in a loving relationship.
36:42So I think being in love is potentially very stressful
36:45because there's so much uncertainty around it, isn't there?
36:48If you're lucky and you get into a good relationship,
36:51then it transcends that and becomes, you know, that's just love.
36:55And then, you know, stress is over.
36:57None of which is funny.
36:59Well, I'll stop you because...
37:02It's not actually as simple as saying it's just being in love.
37:05The act of being in a relationship and being in a family unit
37:08has numerous negative consequences for your health.
37:11So to point out some of the scientifically-backed problems,
37:14here's a little animation.
37:16So we start with happy single John walking along, carefree, whistling a tune.
37:20Where's he going? Cinema.
37:22What's he going to see? Whatever he fucking wants to see.
37:25Anyway, goes to the cinema, then bang, meets someone, falls in love.
37:30People in love sleep less.
37:32So John gets a bit tired, bags under the eyes, there he goes, yawning.
37:37The average person who is single sleeps for 7.13 hours a night.
37:41The average married person sleeps for 6.71 hours a night.
37:45So that's a gap of 0.42 hours.
37:48Perhaps some people are spending that banging, I don't know.
37:52Did you think you slept more before you got married?
37:54I can't remember.
37:57Honestly, I've been married 29 years.
38:00So I don't remember how I used to sleep.
38:03I just know I don't now.
38:07Next thing that happens, people who are in love do more housework.
38:11If you're in a couple, apparently,
38:13you do seven hours more housework a week than people who are single.
38:16Presumably, lots of that is passive-aggressive...
38:19Oh, yeah, don't worry, I did the work tops.
38:22Do you find you're tidying a lot more now you're in a relationship?
38:25Yes, there's definitely a bit of dishwasher-based point scoring going on.
38:30And I like it. I like it.
38:33What happens next? Being in love makes you fatter.
38:37I can give you BMIs on this.
38:40The average married person has a higher BMI of someone who's single.
38:45And the very act of marriage, most people gain an average of 4-5 pounds
38:49in the first year of marriage.
38:51Which is purely, you've signed a contract, you ain't going nowhere,
38:54give me a Viennese.
38:56Did you put on weight when you got married?
38:59Yes, and I continue to.
39:01What do you put that down to?
39:03Because you're now more contented, you spend time at home eating chocolates?
39:08100% I have stopped exercising.
39:12Just absolutely cast iron.
39:14Why would I do that when you're already married to me?
39:18I think things do just domestically slip back in all sorts of ways.
39:23My girlfriend has pointed out the way in which my number twos
39:29have steadily downgraded from absolutely never,
39:32not in the same home as my partner, to in emergency only,
39:37to what she recently described as on a whim.
39:43You must stop pooing on a whim.
39:47Final problem with Happy John there
39:50is that love gives you an increased risk of a heart attack.
39:54And there he goes.
39:56I'll give you even a scientist,
39:58if you're going to call Dr Reginald Ho a liar by doubting his science,
40:01he warns that catching glimpses of a loved one
40:04can cause a person's heart to race,
40:06putting greater pressure on the circulatory system
40:08and increasing the risk of a heart attack.
40:10Reginald Ho always jumping out at his wife from behind a bush.
40:15So marriage there is basically a very slow contract killing.
40:19It starts with happiness and ends with
40:21till premature death us do part.
40:23I've been able, using this science,
40:25to pinpoint the exact moment of my death.
40:27So I'll take you to February 14th, 2036.
40:30Lucy and I are still very much in love,
40:32so as it's Valentine's Day, I've taken her to see
40:34Fast and Furious 47, Portsmouth Drift.
40:37After a perfectly adequate lovemaking session,
40:39I am unable to sleep, not just because I'm trying to work out
40:42how Vin Diesel has aged so well,
40:44but because I've got love-based insomnia
40:46and I can't fit on the bed, as thanks to years of being in love,
40:49I'm huge, so my body is hanging over the bed
40:52like cheese off the side of a pizza slice.
40:54Slithering towards the toilet, I spot some dust in the hall
40:57and decide to get ahead on that seven hours extra cleaning
40:59I have to do a week.
41:01Whilst on my hands and knees with a dustpan and brush,
41:04my beautiful wife moves on to the landing
41:06and the moonlight catches her negligee.
41:08Is that a dustbuster in your pyjamas, she asks suggestively.
41:11I have an erection, a heart attack and die.
41:21At which point, of course, single Lucy goes on to sleep better,
41:24have fewer colds, lose weight and go on to have a wonderful life without me,
41:27which is why women live longer than men.
41:30So let's file this final worry.
41:32My worry is that my family will kill me.
41:36I mean, I've proved with the science that they will.
41:39I guess it's how much we choose to worry about that.
41:41I'll be honest, I think being single would have killed me eventually.
41:45Boredom.
41:47The port.
41:48The lonely darts.
41:50Were you still drinking it in the little port glasses?
41:53At the beginning.
41:58So how worried do you think I should be that my family are going to kill me?
42:01These things are likely to happen anyway, regardless of...
42:05You know, and actually, if your family decided you couldn't live with them anymore,
42:09I think you then would decline very rapidly.
42:12Yes.
42:13See, they could be your saviour.
42:15The happiness would kill me.
42:16Yeah.
42:17Ivo?
42:18Yeah, I think green...
42:19I mean, belly buttons is going to have to go up after tonight's show.
42:23Let's be honest.
42:24Third nipples.
42:25The Y2K book.
42:26I'm almost over that.
42:29Beer bellies.
42:30Beach towels and travel plug adapters.
42:32The things that you encounter on holiday with your family before you have a heart attack.
42:35There we go.
42:36My family will kill me!
42:44I'm supposed to ask you now if there's anything that you've learned on tonight's show before we finish that you're going to take away with you,
42:49but I just think there's one such clear image that I don't think anyone who's been here tonight will escape from.
42:57That's it for this week on Ultimate Warrior.
42:58Thank you to my guests, Ivo Graham and Jack Dee!
43:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:09I, for one, have learned this.
43:11I came here worried that my family would kill me with too much love,
43:14but then I learned my daughter will leave me for a twat,
43:16and my wife has already left me for a machine, so who cares?
43:19Goodnight!
43:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:32THEME MUSIC