Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E01. The Self.
First broadcast 3rd July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Joe Wilkinson
Lucy Beaumont
Kiri Pritchard-McLean
Kevin Dutton
Jon Richardson
Joe Wilkinson
Lucy Beaumont
Kiri Pritchard-McLean
Kevin Dutton
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worrier,
00:34the show where I discuss all of the world's worries.
00:37This is the Worry Index. It's home to millions of worries,
00:40all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:42following decades of thorough analysis.
00:45And this week, we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
00:48all related to the theme of the self.
00:50Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about psychopaths,
00:53photographs and misspent youth.
00:55And at the end of the show, I'll be confronting my biggest worry
00:58with some aversion therapy, over there in my worry lab.
01:04It's a bit like an S&M sex dungeon,
01:06if you happen to be turned on by a small northern man going,
01:09oh, stop it!
01:12Before we crack on with tonight's show, please welcome my guests,
01:15Lucy Beaumont, Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Joe Wilkinson!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:29Welcome. Hi. Thanks for coming.
01:31Joe, anything in particular worrying you at the moment?
01:34Er...
01:44The English language?
01:47My trousers are quite tight, Jon.
01:50That's also worrying me. Yeah.
01:54Lucy, what's on your mind at the moment?
01:56I mean, it's worse for you because we're married.
01:58It is weird that in ten days,
02:00this is the first time I've seen you face-to-face.
02:03I've got so much to tell you. I've put the bins out.
02:06Thank you.
02:08And the recycling?
02:10OK.
02:12Let's add a new worry to the index.
02:14Recycling.
02:16Right, let's move on to our first batch of worries.
02:18Kiri, do you have a self-related worry for the index?
02:22Yeah, I worry that I have a weird childhood.
02:26I grew up on a farm in Wales
02:29and I thought everyone had a really similar upbringing to me,
02:33but not everyone's mum has fixed a sheep's prolapse with Balotwine.
02:38And sometimes you find that out the hard way.
02:41Yeah. Like right now.
02:43I thought this was normal.
02:45And then you go into school and, yeah, you tell people,
02:49Oh, Dad skinned a lamb last night for something.
02:52What?
02:53So basically what happens is sometimes you'll have a sheep with too many lambs
02:57and then you'll have another sheep where the lamb dies.
03:00So what you do is you get the dead lamb and then you get the excess lamb,
03:03you cut the skin off the dead lamb,
03:05put it on the other excess lamb as a little, like, little gilet,
03:10and then you give it to the other sheep with the dead lamb
03:14and she's like, oh, it's my baby, it smells like mummy,
03:16like it's just for the jacket.
03:18So it is a very useful thing to do,
03:20but, I mean, when you're using it as an icebreaker at a dinner party,
03:25it's not ideal.
03:26So to give you some of the positives that you would have gained,
03:29perhaps without knowing it growing up on a farm,
03:31research from the University of Ulm in Germany suggests that children
03:34raised on farms grow up to be far healthier than those raised in the city.
03:37Being exposed to animals and a greater number of microorganisms,
03:41which is not a nice way to describe any childhood.
03:44Oh, I had worms. Yeah, I had worms loads. I think that's what it means.
03:47Worms? Yeah. As pets, or...? In my bum, yeah.
03:52I don't keep all my pets there.
03:54OK, it's not sounding so bad now.
03:58You had me out the bum.
04:02I think pets for most of us are probably the closest way into farm life.
04:07We had guinea pigs and hamsters when I was growing up.
04:10I've got a really horrific story about my guinea pigs.
04:13I had these two guinea pigs called Eric and Ernie,
04:16and Eric had respiratory problems and they're brothers,
04:19and Ernie used to always, like, f*** Eric.
04:22One day, Ernie was going at it and Eric had an asthma attack
04:26and was f***ed to death by his brother.
04:31Do you know what? I don't know how I feel about that.
04:36I think that might be horrible.
04:40We're talking about weird childhoods.
04:43You incidentally joined me for the last ever episode.
04:48I'm going to try and solve your worry.
04:50It does sound like the farm was a positive experience,
04:52but maybe you saw some things which were traumatic.
04:54If we can re-acclimatise those memories to be more fun for you...
04:58You just need to close your eyes while I present something
05:01which I hope will make you feel a bit more comfortable.
05:04Erm...
05:12Just wait a minute.
05:14Oh, I can't bear the feel of these things.
05:20Open your eyes when you're ready.
05:26No, that's really horrible.
05:28I feel like I'm on a f***ing documentary.
05:32Is it not making your face sweat?
05:34Are you leaving yours on?
05:35Yep, that's what I like about it.
05:38So, Kieran, I'm going to log your worry.
05:40Clearly, I'm going to have to log this as a severe worry.
05:42You've put your case very well.
05:44I actually went into this feeling like I had quite a good childhood,
05:47but I feel like I've now taken on some of your memories
05:50with the horror that is your childhood.
05:52It's definitely a severe worry.
05:54Thank you.
06:02Joel, what is your self-related worry?
06:05My worry is that I've fallen in with a bad crowd.
06:08Right.
06:10So it was you who keyed my car, was it?
06:13It will be.
06:15Talk us through the bad crowd.
06:17Well, I've got a new flatmate, Pat.
06:20I think they've got a picture of him.
06:23Intense, isn't he?
06:24Yeah, as you can see, he's a bit of a wild child.
06:27When he's bored, he makes me recreate scenes from famous films,
06:33and I don't really want to.
06:37He sounds like a real piece of work.
06:39Yeah, he's a ****.
06:42For example, on Tuesday, you know the film American Beauty?
06:46Oh, yeah, that. That's the famous scene.
06:48Well, he made me help him recreate that scene,
06:51but instead of petals, we used slices of vacuum-packed cheese.
06:58LAUGHTER
07:03We've done others. We've done Avatar.
07:08I don't know if you remember the scene where he had a bagpile of bins,
07:11cos I don't.
07:13What he really likes to do is he likes to recreate this scene
07:16from Basic Instinct, where Sharon Stone crosses her legs.
07:22I'm not happy about this.
07:24Oh, God.
07:25Action!
07:26Oh, God.
07:27Oh!
07:29Oh!
07:34Cut.
07:35Cut.
07:37Cut.
07:38Where's that cut?
07:39That is uncanny.
07:41Uncanny.
07:42Oh, ****.
07:43I just think he's a bully.
07:46Kiri, do you think you're easily led, or are you a leader?
07:50I think I'm the bad crowd.
07:53Yeah.
07:54The way I see it is, like, I know I'm a bit of an a-hole.
07:59You smell nice, though.
08:01I smell nice? Yeah.
08:02I don't know if you've worked with Joe as much as I have,
08:05but most of the people next to Joe smell nice.
08:10I use an empty can of Lynx.
08:14You know when you watch it on the telly,
08:16you can tell that you smell.
08:22Thank you.
08:25So it sounds like we need to get you out of this relationship with Pat.
08:28Yes, please.
08:29And luckily I have a solution.
08:31As a man himself who's often in situations he doesn't want to be in,
08:35I employ a lot of what I call decoy jonts.
08:38I have got you your own decoy jonts.
08:46He's good.
08:47He is beautiful.
08:49He's good.
08:51That is beautiful.
08:53Come and have a look. Get round it. Have a look.
08:55Oh, my God. Is it real?
08:57Yeah, you can touch it, I think.
08:58I don't know if we've paid for you to touch it.
09:00Oh!
09:02Smells too nice.
09:05So you can, in any situation you don't want to be in,
09:08you deploy the decoy, Joe.
09:10What do you think? Good solution?
09:12Yeah, thanks, mate.
09:13Well, that's yours, so you can take that wherever you want.
09:15Oh, thanks very much.
09:16There you go.
09:19I'm going to log the worry now.
09:24The worry is...
09:31The worry is, of course, I worry I've fallen in with a bad crowd and...
09:40Wait a minute.
09:43I'm going to log that as a moderate worry,
09:45because clearly you're in with a bad crowd.
09:48That seems like a wrong one, Joe.
09:50But I've been able to deploy you with a decoy, Joe.
09:53So convincing, I think only an idiot wouldn't fall for it.
09:57So that goes in as a moderate worry, Joe.
10:06I haven't actually left. It was meant to be a joke, but it backfired.
10:12Shall we have the Johns put him in your dressing room?
10:14Yeah, actually, yeah, put him in the van.
10:17Yeah.
10:18Thank you very much to the decoy, John, and the decoy, Joe.
10:25So, Lucy, you are this week's guest with benefits,
10:27and after the break, everyone can find out what torment you subjected me to
10:30when we discussed this worry,
10:32I worry I don't have a single decent photo of me and John.
10:35I'll see you in a bit, unless you don't want to see all four of my nipples.
10:46APPLAUSE
10:56Welcome back to Ultimate Worry,
10:58where tonight we're looking at the self.
11:00Next, we'll be logging Lucy's worry into the index.
11:02So, Lucy, remind us, what is your worry?
11:04I worry that there isn't a decent picture of you and me, John.
11:10Why?
11:11Because there isn't.
11:13One of the problems I have is that when we go out,
11:15you look really nice, because you get dressed up and things,
11:18and I look like this.
11:20So there's not a point when I think,
11:22oh, this picture would be better if I was in it.
11:24I did actually think that.
11:27It's like, is it cos in a photo, you might look at it and go,
11:31oh, Jesus, and, like, realise you're quite a lot fitter than him?
11:35Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
11:37No!
11:39You're supposed to stick up for me, not go,
11:41yes, that's nice.
11:43I've got some pictures of us.
11:45This is you and I out shopping.
11:47There I am.
11:50And this is one of you and I together.
11:55Looks like Lucy's being born.
12:01That was while you were pregnant, and you would cry...
12:04At adverts.
12:05Just at anything.
12:06I think that one is you crying at the montage
12:08at the end of a darts tournament.
12:11It's knowing that they're all going to have a heart attack.
12:16Joe, do you photograph well?
12:18I'm going to shock you and I'll say no,
12:20and I just don't look good in photos,
12:23and I have the same thing with mirrors.
12:27And yet, in the flesh...
12:28In the flesh, I'm dynamite.
12:30Lucy, this is your worry.
12:32As the guest with benefits, you've put in a bit of extra work
12:35and you researched the worry, so what happened?
12:38We had a photo shoot done, didn't we?
12:42To rekindle something that's lost.
12:46Yes.
12:49Let's see how it all turned out.
12:56I don't really know what to expect from today.
12:58I'm aware that pictures will be taken of me,
13:00and that's never my favourite thing.
13:02I'm really looking forward to it today.
13:05It'd be really lovely to have some nice photos of me and John.
13:11My name is Jean-Luc, I'm a photographer.
13:13Today, we're trying to capture some intimate and sexy moment
13:17between two people that love each other.
13:20Hello, hi, Jean-Luc.
13:21Lucy, how are you doing?
13:22Good, thank you, you?
13:23Nice to meet you, how are you?
13:25Great.
13:26We're both going grey.
13:27John's balding.
13:28I'd like some photos to remind us
13:30of the times when we had some sort of look to us.
13:33We're going to go for passion this time.
13:35Passion.
13:37We're going to have to really ease the passion out, John.
13:40But when it comes out, my God,
13:42it'll be a hell of a shot!
13:47John, fantastic.
13:49Yes, I feel fantastic.
13:50Congratulations.
13:51Thank you.
13:52Hello.
13:53Hi, nice to meet you.
13:54Hello, Jean-Luc.
13:55Nice to meet you.
13:56I've picked this shot because I'd like something quite intimate.
13:59Look into each other's eyes.
14:01Look into each other's eyes.
14:03Love, love.
14:04I want to see love.
14:05We don't get time to do that, really.
14:08Babies and leads united.
14:13Dutch, you're doing that hamster face.
14:16It's the only one I've got.
14:18Let's be also serious, because love is also serious.
14:22We've had a quote for the two doors outside.
14:25Don't make it too serious.
14:31We move on to the next stage.
14:33I'm batting this shirt.
14:34Look at my titties.
14:36Look at my lovely titties.
14:38Don't call them titties.
14:40I found that quite excruciating.
14:42Enjoy my heaving buzzer.
14:43Stop it, John.
14:46I think Jean-Luc really enjoyed it.
14:48He seemed to make some very appreciative noises.
14:50Oh, yes.
14:51Oh, yes.
14:52Oh, yes, baby.
14:53Yes.
14:54The only bit I was uncomfortable with
14:56is what I was wearing and the forced intimacy
14:58and the being watched and photographed by a stranger.
15:00Apart from that, it was a lovely chair.
15:10I think that's nice.
15:11Do you like that?
15:12Do you like that?
15:13Yeah, that's nice.
15:14That looks like, you know, in Romeo and Juliet,
15:16where one's dead.
15:18Are you happy with that?
15:19It's all right.
15:20We'll get it on a little coaster or something.
15:22Oh, yeah.
15:23Classic.
15:24Baseball cap with it on.
15:25Snow globe.
15:27That was your intimate shot that you wanted.
15:29Yeah, I am happy there, though, am I?
15:31I'm not completely relaxed.
15:32I think you're settling for it there.
15:34But that's not the only look.
15:35You'd choreographed some other looks.
15:37Yes.
15:38Shall we have a look at the next one?
15:39Yes, let's have a look.
15:40I picked this shot because we never go anywhere posh.
15:43Hello there.
15:44Hi.
15:45When we do, John's like, how much?
15:47Screwbook.
15:48You look lovely.
15:49Oh, thank you.
15:50Really, I just want a picture of us looking smart.
15:52Fantastic.
15:53Now, John, show me that you possess Lucy.
15:55Yes.
15:56Make your eyes small, like, thinking, yes.
15:59That's the look.
16:00Baby, if you give it to me, I'll give it to you.
16:03For this look, we're going to go a little more sexual.
16:08Good.
16:09OK.
16:12Sex.
16:14I'm slightly worried.
16:15If I put on camera my sex, it would really
16:19cause problems for my career.
16:21Once people have seen the power that lurks with it,
16:23they wouldn't be able to laugh at me again,
16:25because they'd know how dangerous I am.
16:27I'm thinking about David Beckham.
16:28He looks like he'd **** himself, but he's angry.
16:30Oh.
16:32Oh.
16:33Oh, no.
16:35Come on.
16:40You was a real **** in that bit, wasn't you?
16:45I just can't do the faces he kept asking me to do.
16:48What did he ask you to do there?
16:50He wanted me to look, like, intensely passionate.
16:53Yeah.
16:54So I wanted to look like I was sort of in love,
16:56but I was, like, furious about it.
16:58You look like you've trusted a fart and it's backfired.
17:04Doesn't that photo go, look at you go, that's nice,
17:06you go, oh, no, it's not.
17:09What's your, if you're the expert,
17:11what's your secret for posing in a photograph?
17:13You've got the legs wide apart, punch in the air.
17:17One fist or two?
17:18One fist, I'm not an animal.
17:21Actually, two fists.
17:23You've just blown my mind.
17:25Can I see that?
17:27Well, the classic leg's quite far apart, obviously.
17:30Oh, yeah.
17:31That just works anyway.
17:32Yes, I like that.
17:33One's great.
17:34I've never done this, this might not work.
17:36Oh, it works.
17:40But I'm sure we've got a shot of that.
17:42That's really fine.
17:43We'll get that one.
17:44And then obviously there's hand on the hip
17:47It's about just feeling comfortable, that's the main thing.
17:51Well, let's have a look at the third one.
17:53Yeah.
17:54Here we go.
17:58This next shot is quite fantasy.
18:01Can you see my nipples?
18:03The nipples looking very hot from here.
18:05Thank you.
18:06Once they've done stuff in Photoshop to it,
18:08it'll be like a metaphor, like a new way of seeing ourselves.
18:14OK, imagine you're on a motorbike, but without hands.
18:17Do you know where you're going?
18:19Yeah, Lucy's pulling away and you're holding her like...
18:22Stop trying to get away from me.
18:24Yes, energy, energy.
18:26Yes, good, good, love it, love it.
18:29Would you take your shirt off?
18:31Oh, beautiful, beautiful guys.
18:34We're going to have such a lovely chat about this later.
18:37I think I've given Lucy more than anyone could ask, really, actually.
18:41I'm owed some pretty big favors for the next...
18:4540 to 60 years, I would say.
18:49I've learnt about myself that when a man tells me to take my shirt off,
18:53I just do it.
18:55And that was something I didn't know before today.
18:57I always thought I might kick back a little,
18:59but it turns out, get them out.
19:05That is a stitch-up.
19:07And I went with that because I knew I'd let you down on the first one.
19:10I knew I'd let you down on the first two.
19:12So that's not the finished article there, John.
19:15Your little Johns help him, we've actually got the final...
19:18They're not little Johns.
19:20You've invented that. They're just full-size Johns, these.
19:24Oh, you've never...
19:26Oh, this is an abomination.
19:30I like it with the cloth on.
19:32Do you want me to unveil it, do you?
19:34Yes.
19:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:42All right. Well, there are a number of questions I have.
19:45First of all, why did we come here by train?
19:49How were we going to get that home without anyone seeing it?
19:53Second question is, why did I have to have my top off?
19:58You look more vulnerable. Yeah.
20:01Sometimes with these pictures, they can go too far.
20:04But not this interesting, they know.
20:07It'll be a conversation starter, though, won't it,
20:10if we have that in the hallway when we bring people in?
20:13Oh, I don't think we'll have people around if that's in the hallway.
20:16So the Johns can take that away now and just pop it in a skip.
20:21Do you like it? I hate it.
20:24Do you really? I think it's absolutely wonderful.
20:27Do you hate it?
20:29Well, you can have it in your house when the papers come through.
20:33Right, so we're going to log the worry into the index,
20:36that I worry I don't have a single decent photo of John and me.
20:40We do now. Well, so you think.
20:43That's going in as a severe worry,
20:45cos not only have we s**t a load of money on a photo shoot,
20:48but we still don't have a decent photo of John and me.
20:51I'm starting to realise if I just smiled a bit more on holiday,
20:54we wouldn't have to have that monstrosity above our mantelpiece.
20:58Family photos, definitely a severe worry. Thank you very much.
21:01APPLAUSE
21:07Time for a short break.
21:08Now, specifically, I'm going to break that painting into 306 pieces.
21:11See you shortly.
21:15Coming up on Ultimate Worrier...
21:17See anything you like?
21:19LAUGHTER
21:27This isn't how it was supposed to end.
21:31APPLAUSE
21:40Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
21:42where tonight we're looking at worries related to the self.
21:45Our next worry to log into the index is this one.
21:49I worry Netflix is turning me into a psychopath.
21:52And the reason for that is,
21:54we watch a lot of true crime of an evening, don't we?
21:57And I genuinely think,
21:59the idea of your entertainment being the most gruesome things
22:02that have ever happened to anyone on the planet is pretty crude.
22:06But the ability we have now to watch something horrific
22:09and then just go, OK, shall we pause it there
22:12just before the head gets removed and then go to bed,
22:15and then we just go to bed and carry on,
22:17as if we've just been watching a lovely documentary about lilies.
22:22And you weren't really into it when we got together,
22:24and you've sort of got into it now.
22:26Well, no, it's the fact that we have our tea, don't we, on our knee.
22:30We'll put, like, a gardening programme on.
22:32That'll be nice.
22:33Then when we finish, then we watch the really horrific stuff, don't we?
22:36I feel I could dispose of a body
22:39and then know what to plant on top of it.
22:45And, Kiri, I can see your eyes lighting up as we're talking about this.
22:49You've got your own podcast about serial killers.
22:52Yeah. I love it.
22:55I know it's bad, but I'm fascinated by it.
22:58How other people care about, like, football
23:00is how I care about mass murderers.
23:03Do you sort of support them?
23:05Yes!
23:06She's killed another one.
23:08But, yeah, no, I love it all.
23:10I've got, like, you know, got, like, a top three.
23:12In no order, cos I don't want to pick, cos, like, kids.
23:17H.H. Holmes, who had a murder castle
23:19and he would just bump people off
23:21and sell their cadavers and claim on the insurance.
23:23And then Delphine LaLaurie, she was, like, a socialite
23:26and she had loads of weird stuff going on as well.
23:28Geoffrey Dahmer, he's fascinating,
23:30cos he had, like, he had a kettle full of...
23:35This is what we all aspire to, really, isn't it?
23:37And, like, a song, don't you? Yeah.
23:41Imagine moving into his house and going,
23:43oh, they've left the kettle.
23:47We're married. Do you think you've seen me at close quarters?
23:50Oh, you're a psychopath, yeah.
23:53Would you like to let me finish the question?
23:55Do you think I'm a good chef?
23:59You don't like human touch, do you?
24:01No, not massively.
24:03Your hugs are like when you're deflating the air out of a lilo.
24:11That's a lovely thing to say.
24:13Shall I show you? Look.
24:15You see, look, that's what he does
24:17and he does it when we go out for something to eat
24:19and I go to touch you and you flinch
24:21and people think...
24:23Look, just...
24:25That's not normal, Jon.
24:27How did you get pregnant?
24:32What I will give you, if I ever worry that I'm a psychopath,
24:35it's the pleasure I take in other people's pain.
24:38I just mean, like, videos on YouTube of people hurting themselves.
24:42This is genuinely, I think it's my favourite video on the internet.
24:45I've probably watched it 1,000 times.
24:50Go, Stringy, go!
25:00We can move on with the show or we can watch that again.
25:04Roll VT.
25:08Go, Stringy, go!
25:19So, we have to ask the question,
25:21could I, Jon Richardson, honestly be a psychopath?
25:24Well, here to hopefully become the Clarice Starling to my Hannibal Lecter,
25:28please welcome psychologist Dr Kevin Dutton.
25:42So, you study and work with psychopaths, presumably you've met a lot.
25:46I've met quite a few, yeah.
25:48Any nice ones?
25:50Do you know why when most people hear the word psychopath
25:53they instantly think of, you know, your Hannibal Lecters?
25:55But actually, when psychologists like myself talk about psychopaths,
25:58we're in fact referring to a distinct subset of individuals
26:01with a specific constellation of personality characteristics,
26:05such as you've got ruthlessness, you've got fearlessness,
26:08you've got mental toughness, you've got focus, self-confidence,
26:12emotional detachment, charm, charisma,
26:16and, of course, those trademark deficits in conscience and empathy
26:19that you hear so much about.
26:20Now, it's important to remember, Jon,
26:22that none of them traits is necessarily a problem in itself.
26:24In fact, all of them, dialled up at the right levels
26:27and deployed within the right context, can actually prove rather useful.
26:31The key lies in context and level.
26:33It's how you use them and what you're using them for that's important.
26:36Are you really a psychologist?
26:39I'm a psychopath.
26:41You are?
26:42I'm a psychologist. I will take that as a compliment.
26:45Oh, good.
26:46And you've devised your own test for psychopaths?
26:48I have, that's right. I devised it a few years ago, Jon,
26:51and basically over 3.5 million people now around the world
26:55have taken this test, so I've tested a lot of people.
26:59We've all done the 11-question test.
27:01You are the only one who has the results. Shall we find out?
27:04Yeah. What I can say first of all is comedians
27:08generally score very high on this test,
27:11so it's absolutely no surprise, Jon, that you were quite low.
27:16APPLAUSE
27:24That was a lovely slam and I enjoyed it.
27:26But all I heard is that I'm low.
27:28You are low. Zero is the minimum, 33 is the maximum.
27:32Jon, you scored 13, which is in the low bracket.
27:36Zero to 11 is low, all right?
27:38And it's not surprising, because if you are worried about being a psychopath,
27:43you clearly are not a psychopath.
27:45Next up is Lucy.
27:48You're on the high end of average, 21.
27:51Holy...
27:53LAUGHTER
27:55This has backfired.
27:56So we're getting now to the silver and gold medal positions.
27:59We are about to find out.
28:01And to be honest, the fact that you're 21 means
28:03we're looking at some decent scores here.
28:05You're not a bad psychopath, but you met your match today
28:08with these two absolute nutjobs.
28:1224 is Kiri.
28:16Yes!
28:18APPLAUSE
28:25Now, Kiri, there's a question on here I've got to ask you about.
28:28It doesn't matter to me if I have to step on other people
28:31to get what I want.
28:33Strongly agree.
28:35That shows a certain amount of ruthlessness.
28:37Yeah, absolutely.
28:38If I'm at that counter with the yellow stickers on in a supermarket
28:42and there's an old woman dilly-dallying in front of something I want...
28:48You see, I interpreted that question to mean sort of a promotion at work,
28:52not some almost out-of-date ham.
28:57Bear in mind that this is potentially a show in itself.
29:00Could you outline Joe's results?
29:03Joe scored 29.
29:06Oh, so close!
29:0833. He has...
29:12Frustrating, that is frustrating.
29:1429 or 33, you are in the very high bracket.
29:17Thank you.
29:18And what let him down?
29:21Where can he improve as a psychopath?
29:23I'll tell you what was really interesting.
29:25One of the questions, Joe, I'd be good in a dangerous job
29:30because I could make me mind up quickly, right?
29:32Yes, yes, yes.
29:33He's got strongly disagree, he's crossed that out,
29:35he's then gone with disagree, crossed that out,
29:37agrees, crossed that out,
29:39until finally he's got a strongly agree.
29:41Yeah, and I sat my pen for it, didn't I?
29:47It's weird, isn't it?
29:48Because you always think of psychopaths being overachievers,
29:51but it's not always the case.
29:55Absolutely intriguing results.
29:57One of the best slams of the series.
29:59A massive round of applause.
30:00Thank you very much to Dr Kevin.
30:06We're going to log that worry as best we can,
30:09that Netflix is turning me into a psychopath.
30:11Clearly, since I came bottom, that is a low worry,
30:14which means I'm going to have to find another excuse to tell the jury.
30:18We'll be later logging the worry that my wife
30:21is nearly twice the psychopath I am,
30:24but for now, absolutely a low worry.
30:32So that's it for this part.
30:34Join us after the break,
30:35when I will be made to suffer in the name of entertainment
30:38as I confront my biggest worry of the night, which is this.
30:42I worry I'm due a midlife crisis.
30:44See you in a bit.
30:46APPLAUSE
31:01Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier,
31:03where we've been looking into the theme of the self.
31:06It's time now to move on to my biggest self-related worry of the show,
31:10which is this.
31:12I worry I'm due a midlife crisis.
31:15So, according to a recent survey,
31:17the average age people feel like they're having a midlife crisis
31:20is 43 for men and 44 for women.
31:22I'm 36 at the moment and I feel like I'm sort of...
31:25on the brink.
31:27Do you agree?
31:28Have you not had one?
31:32That time in Ikea?
31:35I had a massive one.
31:36That was about so much more than life.
31:39It was when I went backwards to try and get things
31:43and we'd already been there four hours.
31:47And you went back for something like a bloody salt-and-pepper shaker
31:50while I was trying to carry a bookcase.
31:53It's like the end of the marathon, just throwing drawing pins down.
31:56Just piss people off who've already suffered enough.
31:59Joe, do you feel middle-aged?
32:01Yeah, yeah, of course I do. I'm getting old, yeah.
32:04There's lots of things to worry about when you're old,
32:06not just having a crisis.
32:07Like, one of the things that apparently happens
32:09is your testicles start to hang a lot lower, right?
32:12I didn't think mine had started to hang that low
32:15until recently I walked down my hallway in just my dressing gown
32:19and one of my plums knocked over a Wellington boot.
32:27Did you get a little caster fitted on the bottom?
32:30A bit of wheels.
32:31Yeah.
32:32Right, so we're going to have a look at some of the reasons here
32:35that people start to have a midlife crisis.
32:38The first sign that you might be having a midlife crisis is this one.
32:42Desiring a simpler life.
32:44That looks like quite a complicated life that man's leading, though.
32:47There's a lot going on here, isn't there?
32:49Yeah, he's sat in a field in a suit.
32:51I didn't see the chair, I just thought he'd locked his legs.
32:54Like he sat on his testicles.
32:58This one doesn't really mean a lot to me.
33:00Fretting over thinning hair.
33:02Oh, John.
33:04Really going, look.
33:06This started happening a couple of months ago
33:08and people are going, no, no, you're all right,
33:10and then now they go, ah, well.
33:13Comes to us all, doesn't it?
33:15There's me with the big hair look.
33:17I think you've really grown into your looks.
33:19Very kind way of saying you were an ugly youth.
33:22I think he's got a little bit, hasn't he?
33:24Yeah, definitely.
33:25The next one is thinking about quitting your job
33:28and starting your own business.
33:30I mean, I've lost count of the number of pubs
33:32that I've sort of googled on websites
33:34and just thought, just buy a pub
33:36because then I get to live in a pub
33:38and then I've turned our garage into a pub.
33:40It's a proper pub, though.
33:42Oh, really? Yeah.
33:44Unless Calderdale Council are watching,
33:46in which case it's not a proper pub
33:48because I don't charge for beer
33:50and that means I did not have to apply for planning permission.
33:54But you don't like having people over,
33:56so did you just sit in there on your own?
33:58Yeah, it's for me. I watch the football in there,
34:00I throw a few darts, I've got a little pump thing.
34:02This is very bleak.
34:04Have you ever frightened yourself out?
34:08Have you got a home to go to?
34:10Yeah, it's there, but there, innit?
34:14The final one is not telling people how old you are.
34:18That apparently is one of the big signifiers that you are...
34:21What if he can't remember? I get mixed up.
34:24I got ID'd at the supermarket recently,
34:26so they came over to ID me and I was like,
34:28and I wanted to get my ID out of my pocket,
34:30and he went,
34:32I'm only joking.
34:36I'm a big fan of vermouth.
34:38And generally, if you buy vermouth,
34:40you're at least in your 70s.
34:42Look at me and just have a minute of panic
34:44like, does not compute,
34:46for the last Friday, cos I think I'm just a 15-year-old
34:48who doesn't understand booze.
34:52So, in terms of lying about your age,
34:54there is a man who not only wants to lie about it,
34:56but wants to have his age legally changed.
34:59This is a Dutch gentleman who is 69
35:02and applied to have his age changed legally to 49.
35:06Nowadays, we are free human beings,
35:08so we can do whatever we like.
35:10We can choose our clothes, we can choose the holidays...
35:12You can't change the fact of the date you were born!
35:15But if you want to make the decision,
35:17you are born like a beautiful, small girl,
35:19and now you're as beautiful as you are now,
35:21and now you say, I feel like a man, I want to have a...
35:24Whoa, whoa, whoa!
35:26I'm from the continent, I'm a male.
35:28You can't bring Holland over here.
35:30OK, sorry, sorry.
35:36That's brilliant.
35:38That went sideways.
35:41What were we talking about, age?
35:45I find that a real revelation.
35:47Of course he's right, that's right.
35:49Why do you have to be dictated to by age?
35:51I'm Tam, I hate time, age and time.
35:53I know, I'm the one waiting at the bottom of the...stairs.
36:01So, how do you feel about midlife crises?
36:04Do you worry about it?
36:05No, I'm quite excited about it.
36:07I never want anyone to have a conversation
36:09where they feel sorry for me, where they're like,
36:11ooh, she's doing this, so I'd rather them be like,
36:13what's she going to do next?
36:15And the answer will always be, get her...out.
36:17But...
36:19I want the frisson of, like, oh, she's coming to the party,
36:22so it's going to be good, let's hide the ornaments.
36:25I think the midlife crisis is really for people
36:27who feel like they haven't done enough.
36:30And I've been very lucky, but I haven't had experiences.
36:33Like, I'm really at risk of becoming one of those,
36:36why don't we go to Ibiza?
36:38Me and my mum was going to bake you a hash cake
36:41without telling you.
36:43I think the fact that neither of you has ever baked me a cake
36:46would be a clue.
36:48I suddenly come home and you've been baking
36:50and you're both giggling while you hand me a cake.
36:52Eat that.
36:54Cos it's sad, cos I used to give you breast milk
36:57without you knowing.
37:03Can we get Kevin back to ramp your score up a bit?
37:06Mostly, I used to just give you it in pieces.
37:09Can we get Kevin back to ramp your score up a bit?
37:12Mostly, I used to just give you it in tea
37:14and I really do think it helped with your iron letters.
37:19Does that mean I'm not vegan?
37:24Joe, what do you picture as your midlife crisis?
37:27No idea, I just know it'll probably involve, like,
37:30hot pants and rollerblades.
37:34Might have piercings.
37:36I've always fancied a line of piercings across my midriff.
37:40You know, maybe horse blasters,
37:42so I can look like a pub fireplace.
37:47As the guest at equal risk of middle age,
37:50would you join me, as an experiment,
37:52getting our midlife crises over?
37:54I really thought you were going to say getting off with each other.
37:57Let's see how it goes.
37:59Join me in the Worry Lab. Let's go and have our crisis.
38:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:17Welcome to the Dog and BLEEP.
38:19This is my version of a midlife crisis.
38:22Do you want to pop round and show everyone the goods?
38:25Yeah, you've got 15 minutes.
38:32BLEEP
38:36See anything you like?
38:58Nice to see you here.
39:01Let me guess, midlife crisis?
39:03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
39:05You've made a great call on the outfit.
39:07Cheers.
39:08Whee!
39:10It's not a roller disco without a disco, right?
39:13Hit the beats.
39:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:36I'm not touching anything.
40:02Tell you what, I don't feel bad.
40:05Ooh, no!
40:10I think we can all see quite enough.
40:12No, no, no.
40:18This isn't how it was supposed to end.
40:24Oh, God.
40:26It's worked out very well.
40:30Right.
40:32Would you like some drinks?
40:34Yes, please.
40:35No, thank you.
40:37Joe, you can really see what side you're dressed to in this.
40:41And it's every side.
40:43I didn't know that was possible.
40:45Yeah, yeah.
40:46Well, it's weird, there's five nuts for a start.
40:54Oh, God.
40:58I'll hold it till there.
41:01I feel like one of those...
41:03Get some momentum into it.
41:09Just be ready to grab the drink and drink it quick.
41:12He needs to hold on to...
41:14Whoa!
41:16APPLAUSE
41:29I feel like momentum was a bad steer, Joe.
41:33Are you doing it again, you...
41:43What it needed was...
41:46Joe, from this angle, you just look like you're wetting yourself.
41:51No.
41:56I've got really used to you, haven't I?
42:00This looks like, you know,
42:02some businessman would pay a lot of money to just do this.
42:11I tell you what, I feel so alive.
42:17LAUGHTER
42:20Well, we're going to log the worry.
42:23I worry I'm due a midlife crisis.
42:26It's definitely a low worry!
42:40If this is a midlife crisis, then bring it on.
42:44Midlife crisis, hello there.
42:47Oh, dear.
42:50Well...
42:52For whatever reason, midlife crises are a low worry,
42:55and that's it for this week on Ultimate Worryer.
42:57Thank you to my guests, Lucy Beaumont,
42:59Kiri Pritchard-McLean and Joe Wilkinson!
43:05I'll maybe see you next time.
43:07I'll maybe see you next time.
43:12When I stop shaking like a dog!
43:15Bye-bye!
43:37WHISTLE BLOWS