Jon Richardson: Ultimate Worrier. S02 E05. Consumerism.
First broadcast 31st July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Angela Barnes
Jamali Maddix
Tom Cheesewright
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Angela Barnes
Jamali Maddix
Tom Cheesewright
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worryer,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries with my guests
00:39and then we file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42They're categorised by severity, but also by colour,
00:45just to prove I'm still fun.
00:47This is my Worry Index.
00:49It's home to millions of worries,
00:51all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:53following decades of thorough analysis,
00:55and this week we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
00:58all related to the theme of consumerism.
01:01Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about secret passions,
01:04high fashion and bottle-smashing, and at the end of the show,
01:07I'll be confronting my biggest worry with some aversion therapy
01:11over there in my worry lab.
01:15Now, before we crack on with the show,
01:17please welcome my guests for tonight,
01:19Angela Barnes, Lucy Beaumont and Jamali Maddox!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32Thank you for coming.
01:34We're here to talk about worrying.
01:36As we are married and we live together, Lucy,
01:38I've got a fair idea, but what are you worried about at the moment?
01:41I've read a lot about alien abductions.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45And they abduct women who look like me.
01:48LAUGHTER
01:50It's in the family. My uncle Ricky's been abducted.
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55Sort of feels like the sentence you can't just say
01:57and then just go like that.
01:59LAUGHTER
02:01Ricky was abducted, so what more proof do you want?
02:04Your uncle Ricky is a woman that looks like you?
02:07LAUGHTER
02:09APPLAUSE
02:12So, let's get things under way with the first worry of the show,
02:16which is Lucy's chance to get her own back on me, which is...
02:20I worry that Jon will dress this way forever.
02:23Would you care to elaborate?
02:25LAUGHTER
02:27So, I've wrote a list of how I would describe your dress sense.
02:31Bleak, desolate, dismal, grey, lacklustre, sombre, boring, characterless.
02:39Are you describing my soul?
02:41LAUGHTER
02:44I think there are three classic Jon looks,
02:46and I've prepared them for you.
02:48So, bring on the Jons.
02:51APPLAUSE
02:58Here are the three looks. Classic cardigan, Jon.
03:01That could be a movie premiere or...
03:04I love a cardigan because only the most vulnerable in society
03:08wear a cardigan, right?
03:10It is, it's the nerds, it's the old people, it's school children.
03:13Like, no-one in the EDL is wearing a cardigan.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Short-sleeved shirt, Jon. I used to have a shirt like that.
03:21I loved it so much, I wore it all the time,
03:23until the armpits were, like, hard.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27I had to put it on like dressing an action man.
03:30This is my favourite, Jon, V-neck and jeans.
03:32Nothing under the V-neck, just to suggest a bit of playfulness.
03:35And would you wear the bootcuts?
03:37I'd wear a bootcut. Oh, no, Jon! Jon!
03:40Sometimes I wear boots.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44That's just following the instructions.
03:47I think that's a lovely look. That's mad.
03:49So has anyone got a favourite or a...
03:52Is any of this acceptable?
03:54Cardi. Cardi's nice. 100%.
03:56No, I can't endorse any of this.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00I'm sorry, Jamali, but you are sitting there,
04:02dressed head-to-toe in black.
04:04Look! I'm trying to talk about being drab.
04:07And I look slick as a... But this is...
04:10I want to say on a personal note,
04:12I think you all look slick as...
04:15Thank you very much to the three looks of Jon.
04:23You took matters into your own hands,
04:25such is the disgust with my look.
04:27We took you to get styled, didn't we?
04:29Yes. With a proper high-end stylist.
04:32So shall we have a look at that?
04:34This will be really good for you, you know, Jon.
04:36You need a style. I don't want a style.
04:39MUSIC PLAYS
04:42I'm Krishan. I'm a celebrity fashion stylist.
04:45My clients include footballers like Dele Alli,
04:48singers such as John Legend and Boy George,
04:50and I've worked with actors like Ezra Miller.
04:52I'm an ageing, balding man with a gut,
04:54and I have to dress accordingly.
04:56I think Jon's style is...
04:58dated.
04:59You need this, Jon, because it's going to be too late soon
05:02and no-one's going to be bothered what you look like.
05:04I want him to feel, like, empowered.
05:07Come on. I want him to feel sexy.
05:13MUSIC PLAYS
05:16Hello. Hi, Krishan. How are you doing?
05:18Good, thank you. This is Jon.
05:20Hi, Jon. How are you doing?
05:22This sounds awful, but that's the look, isn't it?
05:24I chose to do this today. I chose to do this.
05:27As you chose to do this.
05:32He's sort of one step away from an out-of-work darts player.
05:36I dress so as not to be noticed.
05:38I feel like you're getting noticed for the wrong reasons.
05:41Oh. Yeah. I see.
05:43So people are thinking, who's that wino?
05:45And why has he adopted that attractive, well-dressed lady?
05:48Yeah. All right, then. Well, let's get this about.
05:55Cheers.
05:56So, what's the first look?
05:58I think the first thing I want to try with Jon is
06:01kind of a really relaxed, sporty look. OK.
06:04MUSIC PLAYS
06:06Here we go.
06:08MUSIC CONTINUES
06:19Well, let's start with the positives.
06:21The trainers are very comfortable.
06:23This is a very big trend at the moment, known as the dad trainer.
06:26And the fact that it's the only thing I liked,
06:28and you've described them as dad trainers,
06:30suggests I'm in for a long day here.
06:32I feel like a character in a Will Ferrell film
06:36about a Crown Green bowling team
06:38whose thermoses have been spiked with LSD.
06:41I wouldn't quite go there. I was thinking more Pharrell.
06:44Will Pharrell? No, Pharrell Williams.
06:47He doesn't know who that is.
06:49Would you incorporate something like this into your wardrobe?
06:54No.
06:56You look like that guy who's too old to be at the music festival.
07:00And you've got, like, stop taking ecstasy and go home.
07:04Well, I think the reason you picked that is to build a connection
07:07between us, because I know you went through a tracksuit phase
07:10in your life.
07:11Aw!
07:13I used to wear tracksuit bottoms and high-heeled shoes.
07:17To make me look taller, I used to wear high-heeled shoes.
07:21To make me look taller at Ice Arena.
07:26Well, let's have a look at the next look,
07:28because if you like that one, you're going to love this one.
07:31Next, I thought we'd try some tonal dressing.
07:34Now, tonal dressing is a styling technique where you take
07:37loads of different garments of the same kind of colour
07:40but in different shades and wear them all at once.
07:43MUSIC PLAYS
07:52MUSIC CONTINUES
08:02If you could keep a straight face for a moment, please.
08:05This is very close to the most uncomfortable I've ever felt in my life.
08:10It's very bold and I wish I could wear some socks, please.
08:15I'm sweating into the shoes.
08:17It's the hat. It's really weird.
08:19Not feeling it? It's so bizarre.
08:21You really can't wear trendy stuff. You look really weird.
08:25You're making me feel really uneasy.
08:27Obviously, if you take the shirt off, the sweatshirt is quite garish,
08:31but the colour's really nice.
08:33As soon as you put the shirt on, it's the same colour in a different tone.
08:36It completely mutes the outfit.
08:38It's growing on me a bit, because your demeanour...
08:41It's growing on me. ..it's changed. Yeah.
08:43Look at the way it... He's standing up straight. I know.
08:46It's an outfit that forces you to present yourself as well as you can.
08:50Well, that's what we wanted, didn't we? Yeah.
08:52Let's see what the next outfit is before I grow even more confident.
09:00You look like you've gone to a fancy dress party as a penis.
09:07So, so far, nothing's sticking. No.
09:10Let's move on and look at the final look.
09:14The next thing we're going to try epitomises masculinity.
09:17I think it's going to be a good look for him.
09:19I think he's going to really enjoy it. Right.
09:22MUSIC PLAYS
09:42We went for that proper cowboy, like, western style.
09:46It's been seen on the catwalks of Louis Vuitton, Givenchy.
09:49Looks like he's going line dancing there, doesn't he?
09:52In Glasgow.
09:53We've got the floor shirt.
09:55It adds, like, that softer element to it, the tassels.
09:58The boots are really practical. I think that's, like, an all-weather boot.
10:01I wear these in Morrisons.
10:03I wear them in the garden centre. I don't care if I get a bit muddy.
10:06This is who I was born to be.
10:08He's actually got smoke, though, in this.
10:10I think we wanted to bring an air of confidence as well, didn't we?
10:13But look at that face on him. That's too confident, isn't it, that?
10:17You can't wear a hat like this with anything other than full pride in what you are.
10:21Are there any elements you do like?
10:26No.
10:39I don't hate the hat on you, though. I don't hate it.
10:41I'll take it, Jamali. I'll take it.
10:43I wish I could get... I couldn't, like...
10:45Like, any hat of a brim, if I wear a hat like that.
10:47Jamali, try it on. Do a swap.
10:50I just... I...
10:52When I wear this hat, I just look like an Amish youth worker.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:57You know what I'm saying?
11:03I think we should swap back, yeah.
11:05It's how it makes you feel, though. You feel like a man in that, don't you?
11:09What?
11:14I just feel great.
11:16And the idea of being referred to as the cowboy in Morrisons...
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21..just makes me feel so alive.
11:23But you really don't like it, do you?
11:25No, I really don't.
11:27So...
11:29..it's time to lag this worry.
11:36See what?
11:39So, I mean, it's sort of your call.
11:41You can pick the John you knew before...
11:44LAUGHTER
11:45..or this can be the future of our marriage.
11:48It's a very serious worry for me.
11:50That I'll dress like this? Yeah.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53The idea that I'll dress back in cardigans again
11:55actually becomes quite appealing now.
11:57Yeah. Yeah. I'll take anything now.
11:59Lovely.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01This has all been worth it, then.
12:03The old John is the John we want.
12:05It's a low worry that I'll dress that way forever.
12:07Are you sure? Absolutely.
12:09It's a low worry.
12:11I mean, I'll be honest,
12:12I'm going to dress like this when you're out of the house.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:16But for now, it's a low worry.
12:18APPLAUSE
12:21Time for a short break now.
12:23You can go wherever you like.
12:24I'm going to stay right here in these clothes
12:26for the rest of my life until I die.
12:28See you soon.
12:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:44Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Aware tonight.
12:46We're looking at consumerism.
12:48Let's get to your worry now, Angela.
12:50I'm worried that I'm a sucker for a fad.
12:53What sort of fads are we talking about?
12:55What are you falling for?
12:56It used to be very much health-related fads,
12:58so I'd think, you know, the only way I'm going to lose weight
13:01and be healthy is if I have a Nutribullet.
13:03So I bought a Nutribullet,
13:05but it turns out you have to use it.
13:08But this has escalated recently,
13:10so it used to be very much health and fitness-based things,
13:13but I've recently got a puppy.
13:15But, like, everything that a pet shop tells me I need
13:18for this puppy, I've bought.
13:20Like food?
13:22I mean, everyone's said to me that when you bring a new puppy home,
13:26they find it difficult to settle, you know,
13:28because they're away from their mother for the first time.
13:31And I saw this Facebook advert for this thing called a snuggle puppy,
13:35and it's a little puppy, and inside it,
13:37it has a plastic heart, beats like a heart,
13:42so you feel that, that's...
13:44And you put it in there, and it's supposed to feel like their mother.
13:47Oh, that's disturbing.
13:48Isn't that lovely?
13:49You settle the puppy by saying,
13:51don't worry, I ripped your mother's heart out.
13:54Put it in this toy.
13:56Stuffed it in this toy.
13:57Do you yourself jump on any, do you buy anything?
14:00Not for a little while, but when I was young,
14:02it was sort of like the big toys came out,
14:04so it was like Pokemon cards.
14:06Tamagotchis and things like that, proper, like...
14:08Tamagotchis.
14:09My one never lived, like, it was like, it was,
14:11throughout the day, and I would fall asleep,
14:13and it would always be dead in the morning.
14:15What a nice thing for a little kid to wake up to.
14:18Was just your Tamagotchi dead, yeah, yeah.
14:20Yeah, proper, like, that to me is the ultimate of a fad,
14:22like, just a year when everyone decided, like the Nutribullet,
14:24that we were all going to have one thing,
14:26and a big one of those was the Swegway that you stand on...
14:29Yeah, because they banned them, didn't they?
14:31Well, people were getting hurt,
14:33and that, for me, was the good thing about them.
14:36Because what I'm into is a fad
14:38that leads to people hurting themselves.
14:40Here is a man really hurting himself.
14:48He's going to make it, he's going to make it!
14:50Oh!
14:52HE LAUGHS
14:56The fact that he never puts his arms out,
14:58he never changes his body position,
15:00the whole way he's like, I'm doing it!
15:02I'm doing it!
15:04I'm already unconscious.
15:06Now, Lucy, you like to buy things.
15:08Yeah.
15:10Yours are more like big things.
15:12There are very few couples, I think,
15:14that live in a two-trampoline household.
15:17What's wrong with that?
15:19I like the transaction of it.
15:21You know, I just like, I don't really mind what it is,
15:23I just like buying stuff.
15:25You love a coffee table,
15:27but we've got, like, two or three more than we need.
15:30I think, subconsciously, I've bought enough furniture
15:32that if we separate, we'll have enough for another house.
15:39And then we don't have to argue about things.
15:43Wow. Just give me a minute.
15:47I think we're really happy, aren't we?
15:49But in my head, I'm just covering all the bases.
15:53My mum's addicted to buying, like, vintage teacups
15:57for, like, a party that's never happening.
15:59Oh!
16:00It's just like, don't argue, she's got a fucking problem.
16:04Who are you?
16:06I had to move back in with my mum because of a big break-up,
16:09and these packages come...
16:11He didn't have enough coffee tables,
16:13otherwise he wouldn't have got his own place.
16:15Do you need any furniture?
16:16Can't you arrange a tea party for her?
16:18No.
16:19I mean, I love my mum, but...
16:21Oh, go on.
16:23I don't really feel bad because I won't arrange a fake tea party.
16:27I think the Nutribullets are a perfect example.
16:29They're sort of aspirational.
16:30They're about the person you want to become.
16:32For me, I have a desire to be a real man.
16:35The shed's full of stuff I don't know how to use.
16:37Even, like, leaf blowers and things.
16:39Camping gear, I went through a weird camping phase.
16:42But you haven't said when you bought it.
16:44You were pregnant?
16:45Well, I wasn't just pregnant, I was in labour.
16:50I had a panic.
16:52We all deal differently with impending parenthood.
16:55Some people buy nappies and practical things.
16:58Some people picture an apocalyptic scenario
17:01where the world ends in the time you're in the hospital
17:04and they don't want their child to get wet.
17:06I think that's perfectly normal.
17:08That sounds like a good plan to me.
17:10That's amazing.
17:11Good I didn't even believe that as I was saying it.
17:13And the fact that you've got me up means a lot to me.
17:15I'll back it, mate.
17:16This show doesn't have a winner, but you're in the lead at the moment.
17:19So, Angela, we're going to log your worry,
17:21which is, I worry I'm a sucker for a fad.
17:24And I'm going to totally back you up on this.
17:26This is going to become a severe worry.
17:28It's the fact that the gadget gives you hope.
17:30When you buy that, you honestly believe that there's a gadget
17:33that's going to make your life better
17:35and tomorrow is going to be better than today.
17:37And when that gadget turns out to be a piece of shit,
17:39you realise tomorrow is going to be worse than today
17:41because now you haven't got £100 that you've just wasted
17:44on a NutriBullet.
17:45So, it's a severe worry.
17:46Angela Barnes.
17:52That's the severe worries section there.
17:55Tyrak.
17:56You'll notice a severe worry.
17:57The shop.
17:58It's gone.
17:59Is that what you're worried about, that it's gone?
18:01Didn't realise.
18:02And that's a big worry for me.
18:03If shops are going, I don't even realise.
18:05Sock shop's gone.
18:06So, what's sock shop?
18:07It's a shop that sells socks.
18:09Yeah.
18:10No, but, like, there was a shop that just sold socks.
18:14Yeah, I mean, they weren't everywhere, to be honest.
18:16They were in your sort of...
18:17Train stations.
18:18..your heavy sock-based environments.
18:20Yeah.
18:21You know what it's like?
18:22You get off a train and you think,
18:24shit, socks!
18:25Got some socks.
18:26It's a situation we were never in,
18:28and that's why the shops have gone.
18:30Jamali, do you have a consumer-based worry?
18:33I worry that people judge me based on my purchases.
18:36I read comic books.
18:38I spend a lot of money on it and people now think I'm a nerd
18:41and I just don't want to be put with those scumbags.
18:45So, what sort of comic books are you...?
18:47Because it's a completely alien world to me.
18:50Yeah, so...
18:51I'm out banging most of the time.
18:54It works better when you don't have your wife on the show as well going...
18:57Absolutely.
19:00And how many have you got?
19:02Maybe, like, 4,000, maybe 3,000.
19:04And you smoked from your girlfriend, did you?
19:06Yeah.
19:09But, like, you know, I don't feel like I deserve to be lumped in
19:12with the rest of those other people.
19:14Like, you see, I go to comic book conventions, right?
19:19You literally go and meet with all those other people
19:22and meet with all those people.
19:24Yes, and we have a great time.
19:26There you go.
19:27And we talk about collections, but, like, I'll go comic book collections
19:30and, like, I won't dress up.
19:32Like, I find that, like, it's not Halloween.
19:34Too far.
19:35Yeah.
19:36It's too far.
19:37It's too far.
19:38I read things about superheroes, I have enough escapism.
19:41I had a look at your Twitter to see if there was any other clues there.
19:45Mm-hm.
19:46Here's one tweet I found, another purchase you were looking to make.
19:49Yeah, yeah.
19:50And I bought them and it cost me a lot of money.
19:53I spent 300 on them.
19:54You're just going to smash all your mum's teacups?
19:56Yeah.
19:57I looked online and they're only, like, 20 quid.
20:02Here is, for anyone not familiar with how much fun nunchucks can be,
20:06here's a guy using his nunchucks.
20:08Jousting!
20:09Yeah!
20:10Oh!
20:11Oh!
20:12Oh!
20:13Oh!
20:14Oh!
20:15Oh!
20:16Oh!
20:17Oh!
20:19Oh!
20:22It's a double.
20:23You think he's just sitting himself in the balls,
20:25he falls over the skateboard.
20:27I mean, what a world we live in.
20:29It's mad that there's two dudes on the street with nunchucks, though.
20:32I used to walk round with a cosh.
20:34All right, Liam Neeson.
20:39I was all right.
20:40Good one.
20:42I got mugged.
20:43Oh.
20:44So I was using it as self-defence.
20:46Bit late.
20:49I'm going to have a bloody cosh in two weeks, mate.
20:51You want to watch out.
20:53I mean, the conversation has revealed some details about you, Jamali.
20:57I don't want to say that the easier thing for you to do
21:00might be to accept a certain level of nerdiness.
21:04Yeah.
21:05You refer to yourself, I believe, online as the Vape Lord.
21:08Ah, yes. No, I... Yeah.
21:10Yeah. Yeah.
21:12Yeah.
21:13What happened was, so, like, I was going to go on tour
21:16and I wanted to name my show something really dumb,
21:19and so I called it The Vape Lord,
21:21and I made up this character that I'm like, I vape constantly,
21:24and then people started getting really mad at me,
21:26calling me vape bad things.
21:28So now it's just kind of ruined my life.
21:32But you love a vape.
21:33I do like vaping, but I smoke cigarettes as well.
21:35I'm multifaceted.
21:39I've taken the liberty of helping you by embracing nerdiness
21:42and to sort of embellish the Vape Lord brand,
21:46I've devised a whole cartoon for you,
21:49which is The Vape Lord.
21:53That's so dope.
21:54That's for you.
22:00Do you know what, this is how I know I'm a nerd,
22:02cos I swear, that is, that is, like, so fucking dope.
22:05Thank you so much, man.
22:07Can I actually keep this as well? You're not going to take it off me?
22:10Can I actually keep that? OK, thank you.
22:12Yeah, I think you might be disappointed
22:14if you flick too many pages of hair.
22:16So, Jamali, we're going to log the worry now,
22:18and the worry is, I worry that people judge me on my purchases.
22:21I'm going to be honest with you, it is a low worry.
22:24It's a low worry because people are not judging you
22:26on your purchases, Jamali.
22:28What they're doing is making a fairly accurate assessment
22:30of the sort of person you might be,
22:32based on the things you're buying.
22:34And as a me-drinking cardigan enthusiast,
22:36just accept that what you see is what you get.
22:38We party hard till about 10.30,
22:41and then we go to bed with a pint of water to avoid dehydration.
22:44It's a low worry.
22:49Time for a break. Now, when we come back,
22:51I'll be asking why shops think I'm stupid.
22:59Coming up later in the show...
23:01Fans, fans, fans!
23:03It's glass!
23:08APPLAUSE
23:16Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Aware.
23:18Tonight, we are looking at worries related to consumerism.
23:21Our next worry to log into the index is this.
23:26I worry that shops think I'm stupid.
23:29Now, shops are deliberately manipulative.
23:31Every process you go through has been thought through and devised.
23:34You trace it back to a guy called Victor Gruen.
23:36They call it the Gruen Effect, and this is Victor Gruen,
23:39who devised the shopping mall that we have today.
23:41This looks evil.
23:43Yeah, there he is, just laughing at all the people trapped inside.
23:46And he devised a system whereby you would deliberately
23:49get a little bit disorientated.
23:51So the reason shopping malls are built the way they are,
23:53you sort of lose your mind in there,
23:55and you spend more money while you're working out
23:57how to find the exit, or your family...
23:59Oh, your family!
24:01Whatever you went in with.
24:03Those women aren't his wives,
24:05they went into his house one day, lost, he designed the street.
24:08There's so many devious tricks, so supermarkets use a lot of them.
24:12This, to me, is the most devious one,
24:14that you may or may not have noticed.
24:16So the tiles that they use are very small,
24:19and so that as you're pushing the trolley along,
24:21it's going...
24:23And you feel, I'm moving too fast, I'm making a lot of noise,
24:26so I need to slow down.
24:28And they do this especially where the expensive stuff is.
24:31I thought Asda was my friend, I'm really disappointed.
24:34Every time you go in there and you think,
24:36I've spent 200 quid but I've had a lovely day,
24:38they've absolutely flayed you alive, Angela.
24:42The cereals, if the character on the cereal box
24:45is looking directly at you,
24:47you're more likely to buy the cereal.
24:49Oh, God!
24:51Tony the Tiger is actually saying,
24:53buy these ones!
24:55Now that you're embracing the new Jamali Maddix,
24:58we've made your own cereal.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:04APPLAUSE
25:10People got a little look, like, you know you want them.
25:13Didn't come in for this, did you?
25:15Why are you playing games?
25:17I level with him, my perfect shop, dream shop, is Argos.
25:20Oh, you do, don't you?
25:22I love an Argos.
25:24I just feel like there's too many...
25:26And I'm all for, you know, people working,
25:29but there's too many jobs in there.
25:31And I don't like, you don't trust me.
25:34Can I see it? We'll get it for you.
25:36I want to hold it and see it first.
25:39That's the whole point, is that everything's in there.
25:42What's behind there? What are they doing?
25:44I picture, like, golems.
25:46You see, Jamali, you probably, when you were younger,
25:49had the internet when you were a kid, pretty much.
25:51We didn't, you see.
25:53So the Book of Dreams from Argos, that's what we looked at at home.
25:56Oh, Googling.
25:58You know, it was Christmas, you'd go for it.
26:00What are you going to get that Saturday?
26:02I can't tell you how pleased I was to read this interview.
26:04This is Norwich City's recent signing, O'Neill Hernandez.
26:08He signed for Norwich. He came from Germany.
26:10In his interview with the Club magazine, he said,
26:12What do you enjoy about Norwich?
26:14I'd never seen an Argos before in my life.
26:17I walked inside and saw the catalogue with the things you can order.
26:20You can order bikes, TVs.
26:22We don't have this in Germany.
26:24Argos has everything, and I've never seen this.
26:27When I need something, I buy it from Argos.
26:33Have you ever worked in a shop?
26:35Not officially.
26:36My dad ran a sex shop for a living.
26:38No shit!
26:39Yeah.
26:40Until he came to take your daughter to work day was interesting.
26:45Is he Great Yarmouth? That's my dad in his shop.
26:48What I love about this picture is that screen above his head
26:51is playing hardcore pornography,
26:53and he's doing the telegraph crossword.
26:57I guess you get bored of it after a while, don't you?
26:59He used to say it's like working at McDonald's.
27:01You don't really want a burger.
27:03He's got all his videos to refile there.
27:06Are you trying to work out some titles?
27:08I can see one called Thrust.
27:11It would be about a rocket.
27:12I remember having a go at it for once.
27:14They had a selection of dwarf porn,
27:16but they'd put them all on a really tall shelf.
27:21Oh, it does look seedy, Angela.
27:23It's proper seedy.
27:24We used to, at Christmas, like when I was an adult, this is,
27:28at Christmas, you'd get presents from Rudolph
27:32and from the Sugar Plum Fairy and from all these different characters,
27:35and then when you were over 18, you'd get a present every year
27:38in your stocking from Sexy Santa.
27:42Which is a present from the shop.
27:44He wasn't giving me a double-ended dildo.
27:46It would be like chocolate nipples or penis pasta
27:49or something like that.
27:51One year, he posted me my Christmas present.
27:53I wasn't in when they delivered it, so I had to go and pick it up
27:55from the parcel delivery place, and it was the weekend before Christmas.
27:58It was rammed in there. I was queuing up to get it.
28:00And as the guy handed me the parcel,
28:03it just started making the noise of a woman having an orgasm.
28:09And what it was, my dad had bought me a badge
28:11that just said, press here to turn me on, right?
28:13But as he handed it to me, it went off,
28:15and all I could do was go, sorry, it's from my dad.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:24So is the traditional High Street really dying out?
28:27Are we all just being manipulated whilst out shopping anyway?
28:30And should we really care?
28:32To help answer all these questions,
28:34please welcome futurist Tom Cheesewright.
28:36APPLAUSE
28:44So this is your realm, the future of shopping,
28:46the future of commerce.
28:48Straight off the bat, is the High Street done for?
28:50Yes. Thanks.
28:52It depends where you live.
28:54London, Manchester, Birmingham, you're kind of going to be fine.
28:57They'll change a lot, but they're not going away.
28:59It's more your small cities, your small towns,
29:01your Wolverhamptons, your Boltons.
29:03They're kind of dead, and it's really what we do with the corpse.
29:06What will happen to the physical High Street?
29:08We're going to live on the High Street,
29:10and once you live on the High Street, you put some flats in there.
29:12You need schools, you need nurseries, everything else.
29:14I was disappointed that you said flats.
29:16I pictured properly living in, like, an old Dixon's or something.
29:19I'm not sure about those big windows.
29:21Do you really want people watching you?
29:23It might be a bit like Amsterdam.
29:25If I'm in the cowboy suit, Tom, I'll be honest,
29:27they can watch whatever they like.
29:29And what is the technological advance going to be in shopping?
29:32There's a couple to look at.
29:34Number one is we hate friction, we hate it taking time, we hate queuing.
29:37We want to get in, get stuff and get out.
29:39It's actually shops that mean you don't have to queue up for tills.
29:42There's a whole bunch of cameras around the store.
29:44You see when people pick stuff up.
29:46It knows what you're carrying when you walk out the door
29:48and just automatically bills you.
29:50So are you telling me that, like,
29:52a security camera following me around the shop
29:54is just going to become more and more common?
29:56Yeah, absolutely.
29:58I'm afraid so.
30:00Good to know.
30:02The next big shift, we're moving away from phones
30:04in probably seven, ten years' time
30:06to probably some sort of smart glasses.
30:08And then everybody can have
30:10their own personalised shopping experience.
30:12So you overlay a sort of digital world on top of the physical world.
30:15It's wild. You're saying terrifying shit really happened.
30:20When you say overlaid, what do you mean?
30:23So imagine every flat surface can be a screen,
30:26every empty space can have a virtual person in it,
30:28a virtual shop assistant.
30:30So there won't even be people in the shop,
30:32it'll just be a figment of our imagination walking us round the shop.
30:34There'll be some human people in there
30:36and there'll be some ones that are entirely generated
30:38by artificial intelligence and that only you see.
30:41And you may not be able to eventually tell the difference between the two.
30:44When are you planning on releasing The Matrix?
30:48It'll feel like you're the guy who comes and goes into The Matrix.
30:52Are there going to be less jobs on the high street?
30:54Absolutely. So we're already shedding jobs at an incredible rate.
30:57I think we lost about 85,000 last year,
30:59predicting about 160,000, 170,000 this year.
31:02Eventually about 1.5 million jobs are probably going to go in retail.
31:05So how the hell are people going to be able to afford to shop in them?
31:08This is one of the big challenges we face.
31:11Why are you happy about this?!
31:13This is terrifying news!
31:15It's scary. It's scary.
31:17I feel like you're the only guy who can stop this.
31:24Well, that's absolutely fascinating.
31:26Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Cheesewright.
31:28APPLAUSE
31:34What do you feel about the tech?
31:36I feel like I'm ready to die. I'm like, that'll do.
31:39I'm 43, it's been fun, but I don't want to be around for that.
31:42I think there'll be a massive war.
31:44You think there'll be a war? Yeah, a big revolt.
31:46Which side are you going to be on? Which side would you be on?
31:48I'll be on the humans' side.
31:50I think I might go with the robots.
31:52I want to be on the winning side.
31:54So we're going to log the worry.
31:56I worry that shops think I'm stupid.
31:58I'm going to level with you.
32:00I'm logging that shops think I'm stupid as a low worry
32:02for the simple reason that shops already think I'm stupid.
32:05They're already tricking me as I walk round Asda.
32:07Tom has proved that in the future
32:09they won't even need to think I'm stupid, they'll know I'm stupid.
32:12They'll look in my phone's search history, I'll walk in,
32:15they'll know what a stupid man I am, the stupid things I need to buy,
32:18they'll pay for them with my stupid imaginary credit card,
32:21they'll send them back to my stupid house, where I live with my stoop...
32:24Anyway...
32:28It's a low worry. It's absolutely a low worry.
32:35And that's it for this part. Join us after the break
32:37when I will be made to suffer in the name of entertainment
32:40as I confront my biggest worry of the night in the Worry Lab.
32:52APPLAUSE
32:57Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
32:59It's time now to move on to my biggest new consumer worry, which is...
33:07I worry that people don't appreciate the joy of recycling.
33:11Now, this comes from a starting point
33:13that we simply are not recycling enough.
33:16According to a government report,
33:18we recycle 43.7% of our waste, which is clearly not enough.
33:23We're recycling less now than we did five years ago.
33:26No, you're joking. Yes. I'm not joking.
33:29That's why the audience didn't laugh.
33:32But I'm joking, mate. You'll hear the laughter, don't you?
33:36I was joking then.
33:38Now, you're living with your mum at the moment. Yeah.
33:41Any tension there in the recycling?
33:43No, no, no, we're both in agreement, we both don't recycle.
33:47Come on. We're in the good stage of global warming.
33:50Did you see last summer? Hot. Good stage.
33:53And now you want to go and fuck that up. Nah, fam, nah.
33:56No, you're good, man.
34:00I appreciate what you're doing comedically.
34:03The fact that that got a round of applause is a real problem.
34:09I really try, but I live in a block of flats
34:12and there are loads of different bins,
34:14but there's, like, a square that big at the top of each bin,
34:17so you have to put each item in individually.
34:19And there's part of me that goes,
34:21do you know what, I don't have any kids and I don't eat meat.
34:24They are the two things that cause the biggest pollution.
34:27Fuck it, I'm putting this in the main bin, I don't care.
34:30The problem, I think, is people just don't...
34:32If you learn to enjoy the process of recycling...
34:34Now, when you said putting everything in the little thing in the top,
34:37a part of me was like, that sounds amazing,
34:39that sounds like a computer game, like Space Invaders.
34:42You've got more time on your hands than I have, then, John,
34:45cos that's... I haven't got time for it.
34:47But you've got to learn to enjoy it.
34:49Nothing beats the feeling of an occasional tip-run,
34:52climbing a little stepladder and tossing Henry Hoover,
34:55like an Olympian, into a skip.
34:58Trying to locate the bit right at the back,
35:00there's nothing in that back corner.
35:02Get a good swing on him, I think, and just lob him into the back.
35:05You enjoy going to the skip?
35:07What about fly-tipping? You ever try fly-tipping?
35:10You've got to drop it, then you've got to run,
35:12then you go, hey, and you go, yeah, and you drive off.
35:14That's exciting. Fuck that.
35:16Some of the things I love to do,
35:18I like folding cardboard into cardboard.
35:20I like taking a box and seeing how many boxes I can get inside that box.
35:25Then the boxes themselves go in the cardboard bin.
35:28It's a bit like Tetris, you've got to get them all in the bin.
35:31And then you think, if I squash this down, I'll get even more in.
35:34You've got to be careful squashing the bin down.
35:36That's my only advice.
35:39Is this you, Jon?
35:43Too garish colours for me.
35:51My mum made a jacuzzi out of a wheelie bin in the back garden.
35:54Well, I think we've got a picture, not of your mother.
35:58And this is the next place.
36:00Just enjoying chilling out in the...
36:02My mum's had bubble bathing.
36:04I think that's to hide the floating filth.
36:07I'm guessing those are at least 5% bin juice.
36:11This is the next phase, is upcycling.
36:13This is the favourite one I've seen.
36:15So, plastic is the big culprit,
36:18and you get your CD spindle that you've bought your CDs on.
36:22What do you do with that?
36:24Well, I say it becomes a little bagel holder for your little lunchbox.
36:29And you'll find a bagel just goes straight in there.
36:32I've got one for each of you.
36:34I made you a little bagel-packed lunch.
36:36Are they vegan?
36:38I don't think so.
36:40I think they're barely edible, to be honest.
36:42They were made three weeks ago.
36:44It's a great way of letting the other people in the office know
36:47everything's not all right at home.
36:52You all right, Phil? What do you fucking think?
36:56And I know what you're thinking.
36:58What do you do with all your CDs?
37:00Well, I've found an empty bag of bagels
37:02makes a great holder for 25 CDs.
37:08The system supports itself.
37:10Very good.
37:14Big one for me.
37:15It was a shock to me to learn that crisp packets aren't recyclable.
37:18What about upcycling crisp packets
37:21into a trendy and fashionable crisp packet jacket?
37:26Oh, I mean, you could host your own game show with one of these.
37:30I mean, that...
37:34That is a sexy...
37:36There are other crisp brands available.
37:38You could experiment with others.
37:40I had a cheeky go with a bag of paprika once.
37:42Not worth it, I went back.
37:44Mainly cos I can't say paprika without saying paprika.
37:47But I think fashionable...
37:49I prefer you in that, Jon, than some of the cardigans you've got.
37:52You did say you were coming as well, weren't you?
37:54You can hear me coming.
37:57I didn't mean it like that!
38:00I didn't mean it like that.
38:04I'm going to withdraw that round of applause.
38:07I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
38:09I'm going to recycle it and put it in a joke you didn't laugh at earlier.
38:12Take the jacket off.
38:17There we go. Slide it straight off.
38:19I think that's absolutely lovely and I'm keeping that.
38:22So, this has given me a great idea
38:25for a game that will make recycling more fun across the whole world.
38:28This is the most fun you will ever have recycling
38:30and at the same time it causes me great harm and humiliation.
38:33So let's go to the home of my suffering.
38:35It's the Worry Lab.
38:47What you're looking at here is a replica of our garden.
38:50It's your typical recycling bin set up.
38:52Plastic food, cans and glass.
38:54On the table in front of you is an assortment of recycling.
38:57Paraphernalia.
38:59It's just the result of another wild night out round at Rico's.
39:02You've got some broccoli.
39:06Bottles of water.
39:08Thank you very much.
39:10Pretty good, right?
39:12Oh, shit.
39:17How about I'm here working, doing jokes and nothing.
39:19I catch some broccoli.
39:24So this is a game that will help you to find the fun in recycling.
39:28What's going to happen in a minute, I'm going to go behind the fence
39:31and when the experiment begins, I will emerge from various bins.
39:35Each time I pop up, you are within your rights to throw at me
39:39the various items of recycling paraphernalia for that bin.
39:43By the end of the game, whoever has done the best
39:46doesn't have to help me tidy up afterwards.
39:49Do go for it.
39:52This was a topical show when I pitched it.
39:55You may commence throwing when you see me in a bin.
39:59Food waste, food waste!
40:08Are you sure?
40:12Blue bin, cans, cans, cans!
40:15Angela's got one.
40:17Oh, that was in my face!
40:19Angela's got two. Angela's got three.
40:23I'm really, like, throwing the potato.
40:28Don't hit the decoy, don't hit the decoy!
40:33I like recycling, Jon.
40:37It's a big one, it's glass.
40:39Are you sure, man?
40:50Oh!
40:58Oh, I've never felt so good in my life!
41:04I've to slate the potato.
41:08Cease throwing!
41:10No, the game is over, the game is over!
41:13The game is over! The game is over!
41:20The game...
41:22The game and our marriage is over.
41:26I can reveal that the winner is...
41:31Is Angela Barnes!
41:39It wasn't real glass.
41:41Don't worry, I'm fine.
41:43It was a real orange, and they're her.
41:46And I smell beautifully of citrus.
41:48So we're going to log the worry.
41:50The worry is I worry people don't appreciate the joys of recycling.
41:53This is clearly a severe worry.
41:55Whilst I've managed to convince three people that recycling can be fun,
41:58in order to convince the whole country,
42:00I'm going to have to have 66 million people throw bottles at my face.
42:04So this is a severe worry.
42:10That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
42:12A massive thanks to my guests,
42:14Jamali Maddox, Angela Barnes and Lucy Beaumont!
42:19Not now, decoy! Not now!
42:23You stay in the bin with all the other jumps.
42:25Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time on Ultimate Cowboy.
42:42Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg