First broadcast 31st July 2019.
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Angela Barnes
Jamali Maddix
Tom Cheesewright
Jon Richardson
Lucy Beaumont
Angela Barnes
Jamali Maddix
Tom Cheesewright
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour
00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello, and welcome to Ultimate Worryer,
00:36the show where I discuss all of the world's worries with my guests
00:39and then we file them away neatly for future reference.
00:42They're categorised by severity, but also by colour,
00:45just to prove I'm still fun.
00:47This is my Worry Index.
00:49It's home to millions of worries,
00:51all of which have been categorised and ranked
00:53following decades of thorough analysis,
00:55and this week we'll be looking at some brand-new worries,
00:58all related to the theme of consumerism.
01:01Coming up tonight, we'll be fretting about secret passions,
01:04high fashion and bottle-smashing, and at the end of the show,
01:07I'll be confronting my biggest worry with some aversion therapy
01:11over there in my worry lab.
01:15Now, before we crack on with the show,
01:17please welcome my guests for tonight,
01:19Angela Barnes, Lucy Beaumont and Jamali Maddox!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32Thank you for coming.
01:34We're here to talk about worrying.
01:36As we are married and we live together, Lucy,
01:38I've got a fair idea, but what are you worried about at the moment?
01:41I've read a lot about alien abductions.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45And they abduct women who look like me.
01:48LAUGHTER
01:50It's in the family. My uncle Ricky's been abducted.
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55Sort of feels like the sentence you can't just say
01:57and then just go like that.
01:59LAUGHTER
02:01Ricky was abducted, so what more proof do you want?
02:04Your uncle Ricky is a woman that looks like you?
02:07LAUGHTER
02:09APPLAUSE
02:12So, let's get things under way with the first worry of the show,
02:16which is Lucy's chance to get her own back on me, which is...
02:20I worry that Jon will dress this way forever.
02:23Would you care to elaborate?
02:25LAUGHTER
02:27So, I've wrote a list of how I would describe your dress sense.
02:31Bleak, desolate, dismal, grey, lacklustre, sombre, boring, characterless.
02:39Are you describing my soul?
02:41LAUGHTER
02:44I think there are three classic Jon looks,
02:46and I've prepared them for you.
02:48So, bring on the Jons.
02:51APPLAUSE
02:58Here are the three looks. Classic cardigan, Jon.
03:01That could be a movie premiere or...
03:04I love a cardigan because only the most vulnerable in society
03:08wear a cardigan, right?
03:10It is, it's the nerds, it's the old people, it's school children.
03:13Like, no-one in the EDL is wearing a cardigan.
03:16LAUGHTER
03:18Short-sleeved shirt, Jon. I used to have a shirt like that.
03:21I loved it so much, I wore it all the time,
03:23until the armpits were, like, hard.
03:25LAUGHTER
03:27I had to put it on like dressing an action man.
03:30This is my favourite, Jon, V-neck and jeans.
03:32Nothing under the V-neck, just to suggest a bit of playfulness.
03:35And would you wear the bootcuts?
03:37I'd wear a bootcut. Oh, no, Jon! Jon!
03:40Sometimes I wear boots.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44That's just following the instructions.
03:47I think that's a lovely look. That's mad.
03:49So has anyone got a favourite or a...
03:52Is any of this acceptable?
03:54Cardi. Cardi's nice. 100%.
03:56No, I can't endorse any of this.
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00I'm sorry, Jamali, but you are sitting there,
04:02dressed head-to-toe in black.
04:04Look! I'm trying to talk about being drab.
04:07And I look slick as a... But this is...
04:10I want to say on a personal note,
04:12I think you all look slick as...
04:15Thank you very much to the three looks of Jon.
04:23You took matters into your own hands,
04:25such is the disgust with my look.
04:27We took you to get styled, didn't we?
04:29Yes. With a proper high-end stylist.
04:32So shall we have a look at that?
04:34This will be really good for you, you know, Jon.
04:36You need a style. I don't want a style.
04:39MUSIC PLAYS
04:42I'm Krishan. I'm a celebrity fashion stylist.
04:45My clients include footballers like Dele Alli,
04:48singers such as John Legend and Boy George,
04:50and I've worked with actors like Ezra Miller.
04:52I'm an ageing, balding man with a gut,
04:54and I have to dress accordingly.
04:56I think Jon's style is...
04:58dated.
04:59You need this, Jon, because it's going to be too late soon
05:02and no-one's going to be bothered what you look like.
05:04I want him to feel, like, empowered.
05:07Come on. I want him to feel sexy.
05:13MUSIC PLAYS
05:16Hello. Hi, Krishan. How are you doing?
05:18Good, thank you. This is Jon.
05:20Hi, Jon. How are you doing?
05:22This sounds awful, but that's the look, isn't it?
05:24I chose to do this today. I chose to do this.
05:27As you chose to do this.
05:32He's sort of one step away from an out-of-work darts player.
05:36I dress so as not to be noticed.
05:38I feel like you're getting noticed for the wrong reasons.
05:41Oh. Yeah. I see.
05:43So people are thinking, who's that wino?
05:45And why has he adopted that attractive, well-dressed lady?
05:48Yeah. All right, then. Well, let's get this about.
05:55Cheers.
05:56So, what's the first look?
05:58I think the first thing I want to try with Jon is
06:01kind of a really relaxed, sporty look. OK.
06:04MUSIC PLAYS
06:06Here we go.
06:08MUSIC CONTINUES
06:19Well, let's start with the positives.
06:21The trainers are very comfortable.
06:23This is a very big trend at the moment, known as the dad trainer.
06:26And the fact that it's the only thing I liked,
06:28and you've described them as dad trainers,
06:30suggests I'm in for a long day here.
06:32I feel like a character in a Will Ferrell film
06:36about a Crown Green bowling team
06:38whose thermoses have been spiked with LSD.
06:41I wouldn't quite go there. I was thinking more Pharrell.
06:44Will Pharrell? No, Pharrell Williams.
06:47He doesn't know who that is.
06:49Would you incorporate something like this into your wardrobe?
06:54No.
06:56You look like that guy who's too old to be at the music festival.
07:00And you've got, like, stop taking ecstasy and go home.
07:04Well, I think the reason you picked that is to build a connection
07:07between us, because I know you went through a tracksuit phase
07:10in your life.
07:11Aw!
07:13I used to wear tracksuit bottoms and high-heeled shoes.
07:17To make me look taller, I used to wear high-heeled shoes.
07:21To make me look taller at Ice Arena.
07:26Well, let's have a look at the next look,
07:28because if you like that one, you're going to love this one.
07:31Next, I thought we'd try some tonal dressing.
07:34Now, tonal dressing is a styling technique where you take
07:37loads of different garments of the same kind of colour
07:40but in different shades and wear them all at once.
07:43MUSIC PLAYS
07:52MUSIC CONTINUES
08:02If you could keep a straight face for a moment, please.
08:05This is very close to the most uncomfortable I've ever felt in my life.
08:10It's very bold and I wish I could wear some socks, please.
08:15I'm sweating into the shoes.
08:17It's the hat. It's really weird.
08:19Not feeling it? It's so bizarre.
08:21You really can't wear trendy stuff. You look really weird.
08:25You're making me feel really uneasy.
08:27Obviously, if you take the shirt off, the sweatshirt is quite garish,
08:31but the colour's really nice.
08:33As soon as you put the shirt on, it's the same colour in a different tone.
08:36It completely mutes the outfit.
08:38It's growing on me a bit, because your demeanour...
08:41It's growing on me. ..it's changed. Yeah.
08:43Look at the way it... He's standing up straight. I know.
08:46It's an outfit that forces you to present yourself as well as you can.
08:50Well, that's what we wanted, didn't we? Yeah.
08:52Let's see what the next outfit is before I grow even more confident.
09:00You look like you've gone to a fancy dress party as a penis.
09:07So, so far, nothing's sticking. No.
09:10Let's move on and look at the final look.
09:14The next thing we're going to try epitomises masculinity.
09:17I think it's going to be a good look for him.
09:19I think he's going to really enjoy it. Right.
09:22MUSIC PLAYS
09:42We went for that proper cowboy, like, western style.
09:46It's been seen on the catwalks of Louis Vuitton, Givenchy.
09:49Looks like he's going line dancing there, doesn't he?
09:52In Glasgow.
09:53We've got the floor shirt.
09:55It adds, like, that softer element to it, the tassels.
09:58The boots are really practical. I think that's, like, an all-weather boot.
10:01I wear these in Morrisons.
10:03I wear them in the garden centre. I don't care if I get a bit muddy.
10:06This is who I was born to be.
10:08He's actually got smoke, though, in this.
10:10I think we wanted to bring an air of confidence as well, didn't we?
10:13But look at that face on him. That's too confident, isn't it, that?
10:17You can't wear a hat like this with anything other than full pride in what you are.
10:21Are there any elements you do like?
10:26No.
10:39I don't hate the hat on you, though. I don't hate it.
10:41I'll take it, Jamali. I'll take it.
10:43I wish I could get... I couldn't, like...
10:45Like, any hat of a brim, if I wear a hat like that.
10:47Jamali, try it on. Do a swap.
10:50I just... I...
10:52When I wear this hat, I just look like an Amish youth worker.
10:55LAUGHTER
10:57You know what I'm saying?
11:03I think we should swap back, yeah.
11:05It's how it makes you feel, though. You feel like a man in that, don't you?
11:09What?
11:14I just feel great.
11:16And the idea of being referred to as the cowboy in Morrisons...
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21..just makes me feel so alive.
11:23But you really don't like it, do you?
11:25No, I really don't.
11:27So...
11:29..it's time to lag this worry.
11:36See what?
11:39So, I mean, it's sort of your call.
11:41You can pick the John you knew before...
11:44LAUGHTER
11:45..or this can be the future of our marriage.
11:48It's a very serious worry for me.
11:50That I'll dress like this? Yeah.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53The idea that I'll dress back in cardigans again
11:55actually becomes quite appealing now.
11:57Yeah. Yeah. I'll take anything now.
11:59Lovely.
12:00LAUGHTER
12:01This has all been worth it, then.
12:03The old John is the John we want.
12:05It's a low worry that I'll dress that way forever.
12:07Are you sure? Absolutely.
12:09It's a low worry.
12:11I mean, I'll be honest,
12:12I'm going to dress like this when you're out of the house.
12:14LAUGHTER
12:16But for now, it's a low worry.
12:18APPLAUSE
12:21Time for a short break now.
12:23You can go wherever you like.
12:24I'm going to stay right here in these clothes
12:26for the rest of my life until I die.
12:28See you soon.
12:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:44Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Aware tonight.
12:46We're looking at consumerism.
12:48Let's get to your worry now, Angela.
12:50I'm worried that I'm a sucker for a fad.
12:53What sort of fads are we talking about?
12:55What are you falling for?
12:56It used to be very much health-related fads,
12:58so I'd think, you know, the only way I'm going to lose weight
13:01and be healthy is if I have a Nutribullet.
13:03So I bought a Nutribullet,
13:05but it turns out you have to use it.
13:08But this has escalated recently,
13:10so it used to be very much health and fitness-based things,
13:13but I've recently got a puppy.
13:15But, like, everything that a pet shop tells me I need
13:18for this puppy, I've bought.
13:20Like food?
13:22I mean, everyone's said to me that when you bring a new puppy home,
13:26they find it difficult to settle, you know,
13:28because they're away from their mother for the first time.
13:31And I saw this Facebook advert for this thing called a snuggle puppy,
13:35and it's a little puppy, and inside it,
13:37it has a plastic heart, beats like a heart,
13:42so you feel that, that's...
13:44And you put it in there, and it's supposed to feel like their mother.
13:47Oh, that's disturbing.
13:48Isn't that lovely?
13:49You settle the puppy by saying,
13:51don't worry, I ripped your mother's heart out.
13:54Put it in this toy.
13:56Stuffed it in this toy.
13:57Do you yourself jump on any, do you buy anything?
14:00Not for a little while, but when I was young,
14:02it was sort of like the big toys came out,
14:04so it was like Pokemon cards.
14:06Tamagotchis and things like that, proper, like...
14:08Tamagotchis.
14:09My one never lived, like, it was like, it was,
14:11throughout the day, and I would fall asleep,
14:13and it would always be dead in the morning.
14:15What a nice thing for a little kid to wake up to.
14:18Was just your Tamagotchi dead, yeah, yeah.
14:20Yeah, proper, like, that to me is the ultimate of a fad,
14:22like, just a year when everyone decided, like the Nutribullet,
14:24that we were all going to have one thing,
14:26and a big one of those was the Swegway that you stand on...
14:29Yeah, because they banned them, didn't they?
14:31Well, people were getting hurt,
14:33and that, for me, was the good thing about them.
14:36Because what I'm into is a fad
14:38that leads to people hurting themselves.
14:40Here is a man really hurting himself.
14:48He's going to make it, he's going to make it!
14:50Oh!
14:52HE LAUGHS
14:56The fact that he never puts his arms out,
14:58he never changes his body position,
15:00the whole way he's like, I'm doing it!
15:02I'm doing it!
15:04I'm already unconscious.
15:06Now, Lucy, you like to buy things.
15:08Yeah.
15:10Yours are more like big things.
15:12There are very few couples, I think,
15:14that live in a two-trampoline household.
15:17What's wrong with that?
15:19I like the transaction of it.
15:21You know, I just like, I don't really mind what it is,
15:23I just like buying stuff.
15:25You love a coffee table,
15:27but we've got, like, two or three more than we need.
15:30I think, subconsciously, I've bought enough furniture
15:32that if we separate, we'll have enough for another house.
15:39And then we don't have to argue about things.
15:43Wow. Just give me a minute.
15:47I think we're really happy, aren't we?
15:49But in my head, I'm just covering all the bases.
15:53My mum's addicted to buying, like, vintage teacups
15:57for, like, a party that's never happening.
15:59Oh!
16:00It's just like, don't argue, she's got a fucking problem.
16:04Who are you?
16:06I had to move back in with my mum because of a big break-up,
16:09and these packages come...
16:11He didn't have enough coffee tables,
16:13otherwise he wouldn't have got his own place.
16:15Do you need any furniture?
16:16Can't you arrange a tea party for her?
16:18No.
16:19I mean, I love my mum, but...
16:21Oh, go on.
16:23I don't really feel bad because I won't arrange a fake tea party.
16:27I think the Nutribullets are a perfect example.
16:29They're sort of aspirational.
16:30They're about the person you want to become.
16:32For me, I have a desire to be a real man.
16:35The shed's full of stuff I don't know how to use.
16:37Even, like, leaf blowers and things.
16:39Camping gear, I went through a weird camping phase.
16:42But you haven't said when you bought it.
16:44You were pregnant?
16:45Well, I wasn't just pregnant, I was in labour.
16:50I had a panic.
16:52We all deal differently with impending parenthood.
16:55Some people buy nappies and practical things.
16:58Some people picture an apocalyptic scenario
17:01where the world ends in the time you're in the hospital
17:04and they don't want their child to get wet.
17:06I think that's perfectly normal.
17:08That sounds like a good plan to me.
17:10That's amazing.
17:11Good I didn't even believe that as I was saying it.
17:13And the fact that you've got me up means a lot to me.
17:15I'll back it, mate.
17:16This show doesn't have a winner, but you're in the lead at the moment.
17:19So, Angela, we're going to log your worry,
17:21which is, I worry I'm a sucker for a fad.
17:24And I'm going to totally back you up on this.
17:26This is going to become a severe worry.
17:28It's the fact that the gadget gives you hope.
17:30When you buy that, you honestly believe that there's a gadget
17:33that's going to make your life better
17:35and tomorrow is going to be better than today.
17:37And when that gadget turns out to be a piece of shit,
17:39you realise tomorrow is going to be worse than today
17:41because now you haven't got £100 that you've just wasted
17:44on a NutriBullet.
17:45So, it's a severe worry.
17:46Angela Barnes.
17:52That's the severe worries section there.
17:55Tyrak.
17:56You'll notice a severe worry.
17:57The shop.
17:58It's gone.
17:59Is that what you're worried about, that it's gone?
18:01Didn't realise.
18:02And that's a big worry for me.
18:03If shops are going, I don't even realise.
18:05Sock shop's gone.
18:06So, what's sock shop?
18:07It's a shop that sells socks.
18:09Yeah.
18:10No, but, like, there was a shop that just sold socks.
18:14Yeah, I mean, they weren't everywhere, to be honest.
18:16They were in your sort of...
18:17Train stations.
18:18..your heavy sock-based environments.
18:20Yeah.
18:21You know what it's like?
18:22You get off a train and you think,
18:24shit, socks!
18:25Got some socks.
18:26It's a situation we were never in,
18:28and that's why the shops have gone.
18:30Jamali, do you have a consumer-based worry?
18:33I worry that people judge me based on my purchases.
18:36I read comic books.
18:38I spend a lot of money on it and people now think I'm a nerd
18:41and I just don't want to be put with those scumbags.
18:45So, what sort of comic books are you...?
18:47Because it's a completely alien world to me.
18:50Yeah, so...
18:51I'm out banging most of the time.
18:54It works better when you don't have your wife on the show as well going...
18:57Absolutely.
19:00And how many have you got?
19:02Maybe, like, 4,000, maybe 3,000.
19:04And you smoked from your girlfriend, did you?
19:06Yeah.
19:09But, like, you know, I don't feel like I deserve to be lumped in
19:12with the rest of those other people.
19:14Like, you see, I go to comic book conventions, right?
19:19You literally go and meet with all those other people
19:22and meet with all those people.
19:24Yes, and we have a great time.
19:26There you go.
19:27And we talk about collections, but, like, I'll go comic book collections
19:30and, like, I won't dress up.
19:32Like, I find that, like, it's not Halloween.
19:34Too far.
19:35Yeah.
19:36It's too far.
19:37It's too far.
19:38I read things about superheroes, I have enough escapism.
19:41I had a look at your Twitter to see if there was any other clues there.
19:45Mm-hm.
19:46Here's one tweet I found, another purchase you were looking to make.
19:49Yeah, yeah.
19:50And I bought them and it cost me a lot of money.
19:53I spent 300 on them.
19:54You're just going to smash all your mum's teacups?
19:56Yeah.
19:57I looked online and they're only, like, 20 quid.
20:02Here is, for anyone not familiar with how much fun nunchucks can be,
20:06here's a guy using his nunchucks.
20:08Jousting!
20:09Yeah!
20:10Oh!
20:11Oh!
20:12Oh!
20:13Oh!
20:14Oh!
20:15Oh!
20:16Oh!
20:17Oh!
20:19Oh!
20:22It's a double.
20:23You think he's just sitting himself in the balls,
20:25he falls over the skateboard.
20:27I mean, what a world we live in.
20:29It's mad that there's two dudes on the street with nunchucks, though.
20:32I used to walk round with a cosh.
20:34All right, Liam Neeson.
20:39I was all right.
20:40Good one.
20:42I got mugged.
20:43Oh.
20:44So I was using it as self-defence.
20:46Bit late.
20:49I'm going to have a bloody cosh in two weeks, mate.
20:51You want to watch out.
20:53I mean, the conversation has revealed some details about you, Jamali.
20:57I don't want to say that the easier thing for you to do
21:00might be to accept a certain level of nerdiness.
21:04Yeah.
21:05You refer to yourself, I believe, online as the Vape Lord.
21:08Ah, yes. No, I... Yeah.
21:10Yeah. Yeah.
21:12Yeah.
21:13What happened was, so, like, I was going to go on tour
21:16and I wanted to name my show something really dumb,
21:19and so I called it The Vape Lord,
21:21and I made up this character that I'm like, I vape constantly,
21:24and then people started getting really mad at me,
21:26calling me vape bad things.
21:28So now it's just kind of ruined my life.
21:32But you love a vape.
21:33I do like vaping, but I smoke cigarettes as well.
21:35I'm multifaceted.
21:39I've taken the liberty of helping you by embracing nerdiness
21:42and to sort of embellish the Vape Lord brand,
21:46I've devised a whole cartoon for you,
21:49which is The Vape Lord.
21:53That's so dope.
21:54That's for you.
22:00Do you know what, this is how I know I'm a nerd,
22:02cos I swear, that is, that is, like, so fucking dope.
22:05Thank you so much, man.
22:07Can I actually keep this as well? You're not going to take it off me?
22:10Can I actually keep that? OK, thank you.
22:12Yeah, I think you might be disappointed
22:14if you flick too many pages of hair.
22:16So, Jamali, we're going to log the worry now,
22:18and the worry is, I worry that people judge me on my purchases.
22:21I'm going to be honest with you, it is a low worry.
22:24It's a low worry because people are not judging you
22:26on your purchases, Jamali.
22:28What they're doing is making a fairly accurate assessment
22:30of the sort of person you might be,
22:32based on the things you're buying.
22:34And as a me-drinking cardigan enthusiast,
22:36just accept that what you see is what you get.
22:38We party hard till about 10.30,
22:41and then we go to bed with a pint of water to avoid dehydration.
22:44It's a low worry.
22:49Time for a break. Now, when we come back,
22:51I'll be asking why shops think I'm stupid.
22:59Coming up later in the show...
23:01Fans, fans, fans!
23:03It's glass!
23:08APPLAUSE
23:16Welcome back to Ultimate Worry Aware.
23:18Tonight, we are looking at worries related to consumerism.
23:21Our next worry to log into the index is this.
23:26I worry that shops think I'm stupid.
23:29Now, shops are deliberately manipulative.
23:31Every process you go through has been thought through and devised.
23:34You trace it back to a guy called Victor Gruen.
23:36They call it the Gruen Effect, and this is Victor Gruen,
23:39who devised the shopping mall that we have today.
23:41This looks evil.
23:43Yeah, there he is, just laughing at all the people trapped inside.
23:46And he devised a system whereby you would deliberately
23:49get a little bit disorientated.
23:51So the reason shopping malls are built the way they are,
23:53you sort of lose your mind in there,
23:55and you spend more money while you're working out
23:57how to find the exit, or your family...
23:59Oh, your family!
24:01Whatever you went in with.
24:03Those women aren't his wives,
24:05they went into his house one day, lost, he designed the street.
24:08There's so many devious tricks, so supermarkets use a lot of them.
24:12This, to me, is the most devious one,
24:14that you may or may not have noticed.
24:16So the tiles that they use are very small,
24:19and so that as you're pushing the trolley along,
24:21it's going...
24:23And you feel, I'm moving too fast, I'm making a lot of noise,
24:26so I need to slow down.
24:28And they do this especially where the expensive stuff is.
24:31I thought Asda was my friend, I'm really disappointed.
24:34Every time you go in there and you think,
24:36I've spent 200 quid but I've had a lovely day,
24:38they've absolutely flayed you alive, Angela.
24:42The cereals, if the character on the cereal box
24:45is looking directly at you,
24:47you're more likely to buy the cereal.
24:49Oh, God!
24:51Tony the Tiger is actually saying,
24:53buy these ones!
24:55Now that you're embracing the new Jamali Maddix,
24:58we've made your own cereal.
25:00LAUGHTER
25:04APPLAUSE
25:10People got a little look, like, you know you want them.
25:13Didn't come in for this, did you?
25:15Why are you playing games?
25:17I level with him, my perfect shop, dream shop, is Argos.
25:20Oh, you do, don't you?
25:22I love an Argos.
25:24I just feel like there's too many...
25:26And I'm all for, you know, people working,
25:29but there's too many jobs in there.
25:31And I don't like, you don't trust me.
25:34Can I see it? We'll get it for you.
25:36I want to hold it and see it first.
25:39That's the whole point, is that everything's in there.
25:42What's behind there? What are they doing?
25:44I picture, like, golems.
25:46You see, Jamali, you probably, when you were younger,
25:49had the internet when you were a kid, pretty much.
25:51We didn't, you see.
25:53So the Book of Dreams from Argos, that's what we looked at at home.
25:56Oh, Googling.
25:58You know, it was Christmas, you'd go for it.
26:00What are you going to get that Saturday?
26:02I can't tell you how pleased I was to read this interview.
26:04This is Norwich City's recent signing, O'Neill Hernandez.
26:08He signed for Norwich. He came from Germany.
26:10In his interview with the Club magazine, he said,
26:12What do you enjoy about Norwich?
26:14I'd never seen an Argos before in my life.
26:17I walked inside and saw the catalogue with the things you can order.
26:20You can order bikes, TVs.
26:22We don't have this in Germany.
26:24Argos has everything, and I've never seen this.
26:27When I need something, I buy it from Argos.
26:33Have you ever worked in a shop?
26:35Not officially.
26:36My dad ran a sex shop for a living.
26:38No shit!
26:39Yeah.
26:40Until he came to take your daughter to work day was interesting.
26:45Is he Great Yarmouth? That's my dad in his shop.
26:48What I love about this picture is that screen above his head
26:51is playing hardcore pornography,
26:53and he's doing the telegraph crossword.
26:57I guess you get bored of it after a while, don't you?
26:59He used to say it's like working at McDonald's.
27:01You don't really want a burger.
27:03He's got all his videos to refile there.
27:06Are you trying to work out some titles?
27:08I can see one called Thrust.
27:11It would be about a rocket.
27:12I remember having a go at it for once.
27:14They had a selection of dwarf porn,
27:16but they'd put them all on a really tall shelf.
27:21Oh, it does look seedy, Angela.
27:23It's proper seedy.
27:24We used to, at Christmas, like when I was an adult, this is,
27:28at Christmas, you'd get presents from Rudolph
27:32and from the Sugar Plum Fairy and from all these different characters,
27:35and then when you were over 18, you'd get a present every year
27:38in your stocking from Sexy Santa.
27:42Which is a present from the shop.
27:44He wasn't giving me a double-ended dildo.
27:46It would be like chocolate nipples or penis pasta
27:49or something like that.
27:51One year, he posted me my Christmas present.
27:53I wasn't in when they delivered it, so I had to go and pick it up
27:55from the parcel delivery place, and it was the weekend before Christmas.
27:58It was rammed in there. I was queuing up to get it.
28:00And as the guy handed me the parcel,
28:03it just started making the noise of a woman having an orgasm.
28:09And what it was, my dad had bought me a badge
28:11that just said, press here to turn me on, right?
28:13But as he handed it to me, it went off,
28:15and all I could do was go, sorry, it's from my dad.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:24So is the traditional High Street really dying out?
28:27Are we all just being manipulated whilst out shopping anyway?
28:30And should we really care?
28:32To help answer all these questions,
28:34please welcome futurist Tom Cheesewright.
28:36APPLAUSE
28:44So this is your realm, the future of shopping,
28:46the future of commerce.
28:48Straight off the bat, is the High Street done for?
28:50Yes. Thanks.
28:52It depends where you live.
28:54London, Manchester, Birmingham, you're kind of going to be fine.
28:57They'll change a lot, but they're not going away.
28:59It's more your small cities, your small towns,
29:01your Wolverhamptons, your Boltons.
29:03They're kind of dead, and it's really what we do with the corpse.
29:06What will happen to the physical High Street?
29:08We're going to live on the High Street,
29:10and once you live on the High Street, you put some flats in there.
29:12You need schools, you need nurseries, everything else.
29:14I was disappointed that you said flats.
29:16I pictured properly living in, like, an old Dixon's or something.
29:19I'm not sure about those big windows.
29:21Do you really want people watching you?
29:23It might be a bit like Amsterdam.
29:25If I'm in the cowboy suit, Tom, I'll be honest,
29:27they can watch whatever they like.
29:29And what is the technological advance going to be in shopping?
29:32There's a couple to look at.
29:34Number one is we hate friction, we hate it taking time, we hate queuing.
29:37We want to get in, get stuff and get out.
29:39It's actually shops that mean you don't have to queue up for tills.
29:42There's a whole bunch of cameras around the store.
29:44You see when people pick stuff up.
29:46It knows what you're carrying when you walk out the door
29:48and just automatically bills you.
29:50So are you telling me that, like,
29:52a security camera following me around the shop
29:54is just going to become more and more common?
29:56Yeah, absolutely.
29:58I'm afraid so.
30:00Good to know.
30:02The next big shift, we're moving away from phones
30:04in probably seven, ten years' time
30:06to probably some sort of smart glasses.
30:08And then everybody can have
30:10their own personalised shopping experience.
30:12So you overlay a sort of digital world on top of the physical world.
30:15It's wild. You're saying terrifying shit really happened.
30:20When you say overlaid, what do you mean?
30:23So imagine every flat surface can be a screen,
30:26every empty space can have a virtual person in it,
30:28a virtual shop assistant.
30:30So there won't even be people in the shop,
30:32it'll just be a figment of our imagination walking us round the shop.
30:34There'll be some human people in there
30:36and there'll be some ones that are entirely generated
30:38by artificial intelligence and that only you see.
30:41And you may not be able to eventually tell the difference between the two.
30:44When are you planning on releasing The Matrix?
30:48It'll feel like you're the guy who comes and goes into The Matrix.
30:52Are there going to be less jobs on the high street?
30:54Absolutely. So we're already shedding jobs at an incredible rate.
30:57I think we lost about 85,000 last year,
30:59predicting about 160,000, 170,000 this year.
31:02Eventually about 1.5 million jobs are probably going to go in retail.
31:05So how the hell are people going to be able to afford to shop in them?
31:08This is one of the big challenges we face.
31:11Why are you happy about this?!
31:13This is terrifying news!
31:15It's scary. It's scary.
31:17I feel like you're the only guy who can stop this.
31:24Well, that's absolutely fascinating.
31:26Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Cheesewright.
31:28APPLAUSE
31:34What do you feel about the tech?
31:36I feel like I'm ready to die. I'm like, that'll do.
31:39I'm 43, it's been fun, but I don't want to be around for that.
31:42I think there'll be a massive war.
31:44You think there'll be a war? Yeah, a big revolt.
31:46Which side are you going to be on? Which side would you be on?
31:48I'll be on the humans' side.
31:50I think I might go with the robots.
31:52I want to be on the winning side.
31:54So we're going to log the worry.
31:56I worry that shops think I'm stupid.
31:58I'm going to level with you.
32:00I'm logging that shops think I'm stupid as a low worry
32:02for the simple reason that shops already think I'm stupid.
32:05They're already tricking me as I walk round Asda.
32:07Tom has proved that in the future
32:09they won't even need to think I'm stupid, they'll know I'm stupid.
32:12They'll look in my phone's search history, I'll walk in,
32:15they'll know what a stupid man I am, the stupid things I need to buy,
32:18they'll pay for them with my stupid imaginary credit card,
32:21they'll send them back to my stupid house, where I live with my stoop...
32:24Anyway...
32:28It's a low worry. It's absolutely a low worry.
32:35And that's it for this part. Join us after the break
32:37when I will be made to suffer in the name of entertainment
32:40as I confront my biggest worry of the night in the Worry Lab.
32:52APPLAUSE
32:57Welcome back to Ultimate Worrier.
32:59It's time now to move on to my biggest new consumer worry, which is...
33:07I worry that people don't appreciate the joy of recycling.
33:11Now, this comes from a starting point
33:13that we simply are not recycling enough.
33:16According to a government report,
33:18we recycle 43.7% of our waste, which is clearly not enough.
33:23We're recycling less now than we did five years ago.
33:26No, you're joking. Yes. I'm not joking.
33:29That's why the audience didn't laugh.
33:32But I'm joking, mate. You'll hear the laughter, don't you?
33:36I was joking then.
33:38Now, you're living with your mum at the moment. Yeah.
33:41Any tension there in the recycling?
33:43No, no, no, we're both in agreement, we both don't recycle.
33:47Come on. We're in the good stage of global warming.
33:50Did you see last summer? Hot. Good stage.
33:53And now you want to go and fuck that up. Nah, fam, nah.
33:56No, you're good, man.
34:00I appreciate what you're doing comedically.
34:03The fact that that got a round of applause is a real problem.
34:09I really try, but I live in a block of flats
34:12and there are loads of different bins,
34:14but there's, like, a square that big at the top of each bin,
34:17so you have to put each item in individually.
34:19And there's part of me that goes,
34:21do you know what, I don't have any kids and I don't eat meat.
34:24They are the two things that cause the biggest pollution.
34:27Fuck it, I'm putting this in the main bin, I don't care.
34:30The problem, I think, is people just don't...
34:32If you learn to enjoy the process of recycling...
34:34Now, when you said putting everything in the little thing in the top,
34:37a part of me was like, that sounds amazing,
34:39that sounds like a computer game, like Space Invaders.
34:42You've got more time on your hands than I have, then, John,
34:45cos that's... I haven't got time for it.
34:47But you've got to learn to enjoy it.
34:49Nothing beats the feeling of an occasional tip-run,
34:52climbing a little stepladder and tossing Henry Hoover,
34:55like an Olympian, into a skip.
34:58Trying to locate the bit right at the back,
35:00there's nothing in that back corner.
35:02Get a good swing on him, I think, and just lob him into the back.
35:05You enjoy going to the skip?
35:07What about fly-tipping? You ever try fly-tipping?
35:10You've got to drop it, then you've got to run,
35:12then you go, hey, and you go, yeah, and you drive off.
35:14That's exciting. Fuck that.
35:16Some of the things I love to do,
35:18I like folding cardboard into cardboard.
35:20I like taking a box and seeing how many boxes I can get inside that box.
35:25Then the boxes themselves go in the cardboard bin.
35:28It's a bit like Tetris, you've got to get them all in the bin.
35:31And then you think, if I squash this down, I'll get even more in.
35:34You've got to be careful squashing the bin down.
35:36That's my only advice.
35:39Is this you, Jon?
35:43Too garish colours for me.
35:51My mum made a jacuzzi out of a wheelie bin in the back garden.
35:54Well, I think we've got a picture, not of your mother.
35:58And this is the next place.
36:00Just enjoying chilling out in the...
36:02My mum's had bubble bathing.
36:04I think that's to hide the floating filth.
36:07I'm guessing those are at least 5% bin juice.
36:11This is the next phase, is upcycling.
36:13This is the favourite one I've seen.
36:15So, plastic is the big culprit,
36:18and you get your CD spindle that you've bought your CDs on.
36:22What do you do with that?
36:24Well, I say it becomes a little bagel holder for your little lunchbox.
36:29And you'll find a bagel just goes straight in there.
36:32I've got one for each of you.
36:34I made you a little bagel-packed lunch.
36:36Are they vegan?
36:38I don't think so.
36:40I think they're barely edible, to be honest.
36:42They were made three weeks ago.
36:44It's a great way of letting the other people in the office know
36:47everything's not all right at home.
36:52You all right, Phil? What do you fucking think?
36:56And I know what you're thinking.
36:58What do you do with all your CDs?
37:00Well, I've found an empty bag of bagels
37:02makes a great holder for 25 CDs.
37:08The system supports itself.
37:10Very good.
37:14Big one for me.
37:15It was a shock to me to learn that crisp packets aren't recyclable.
37:18What about upcycling crisp packets
37:21into a trendy and fashionable crisp packet jacket?
37:26Oh, I mean, you could host your own game show with one of these.
37:30I mean, that...
37:34That is a sexy...
37:36There are other crisp brands available.
37:38You could experiment with others.
37:40I had a cheeky go with a bag of paprika once.
37:42Not worth it, I went back.
37:44Mainly cos I can't say paprika without saying paprika.
37:47But I think fashionable...
37:49I prefer you in that, Jon, than some of the cardigans you've got.
37:52You did say you were coming as well, weren't you?
37:54You can hear me coming.
37:57I didn't mean it like that!
38:00I didn't mean it like that.
38:04I'm going to withdraw that round of applause.
38:07I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
38:09I'm going to recycle it and put it in a joke you didn't laugh at earlier.
38:12Take the jacket off.
38:17There we go. Slide it straight off.
38:19I think that's absolutely lovely and I'm keeping that.
38:22So, this has given me a great idea
38:25for a game that will make recycling more fun across the whole world.
38:28This is the most fun you will ever have recycling
38:30and at the same time it causes me great harm and humiliation.
38:33So let's go to the home of my suffering.
38:35It's the Worry Lab.
38:47What you're looking at here is a replica of our garden.
38:50It's your typical recycling bin set up.
38:52Plastic food, cans and glass.
38:54On the table in front of you is an assortment of recycling.
38:57Paraphernalia.
38:59It's just the result of another wild night out round at Rico's.
39:02You've got some broccoli.
39:06Bottles of water.
39:08Thank you very much.
39:10Pretty good, right?
39:12Oh, shit.
39:17How about I'm here working, doing jokes and nothing.
39:19I catch some broccoli.
39:24So this is a game that will help you to find the fun in recycling.
39:28What's going to happen in a minute, I'm going to go behind the fence
39:31and when the experiment begins, I will emerge from various bins.
39:35Each time I pop up, you are within your rights to throw at me
39:39the various items of recycling paraphernalia for that bin.
39:43By the end of the game, whoever has done the best
39:46doesn't have to help me tidy up afterwards.
39:49Do go for it.
39:52This was a topical show when I pitched it.
39:55You may commence throwing when you see me in a bin.
39:59Food waste, food waste!
40:08Are you sure?
40:12Blue bin, cans, cans, cans!
40:15Angela's got one.
40:17Oh, that was in my face!
40:19Angela's got two. Angela's got three.
40:23I'm really, like, throwing the potato.
40:28Don't hit the decoy, don't hit the decoy!
40:33I like recycling, Jon.
40:37It's a big one, it's glass.
40:39Are you sure, man?
40:50Oh!
40:58Oh, I've never felt so good in my life!
41:04I've to slate the potato.
41:08Cease throwing!
41:10No, the game is over, the game is over!
41:13The game is over! The game is over!
41:20The game...
41:22The game and our marriage is over.
41:26I can reveal that the winner is...
41:31Is Angela Barnes!
41:39It wasn't real glass.
41:41Don't worry, I'm fine.
41:43It was a real orange, and they're her.
41:46And I smell beautifully of citrus.
41:48So we're going to log the worry.
41:50The worry is I worry people don't appreciate the joys of recycling.
41:53This is clearly a severe worry.
41:55Whilst I've managed to convince three people that recycling can be fun,
41:58in order to convince the whole country,
42:00I'm going to have to have 66 million people throw bottles at my face.
42:04So this is a severe worry.
42:10That's it for this week on Ultimate Worry.
42:12A massive thanks to my guests,
42:14Jamali Maddox, Angela Barnes and Lucy Beaumont!
42:19Not now, decoy! Not now!
42:23You stay in the bin with all the other jumps.
42:25Thanks for watching. I'll see you next time on Ultimate Cowboy.
42:42Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg