SOAP Season 1 episodes 11-12
SOAP Season 1 episodes 11-12
Transcript
00:00In the last episode of Soap, Jessica found Chester in a hotel room with another woman
00:06and told him he had better find another place to live.
00:09Jody found out someone had complained to the welfare department about him.
00:13Dutch found out Eunice has been fooling around with another man.
00:16And Jessica met Billy's teacher and found her very nice.
00:20Want to find out more?
00:22Stay tuned for this episode of Soap.
00:29This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:37These are the Tates.
00:40And these are the Campbells.
00:44This is Soap.
01:15Who is it?
01:17It's me, Ma.
01:18Who?
01:19Corinne.
01:20How do I know it's really you?
01:25Ma, you can hear it's me.
01:28No, you might be Chester disguising your voice.
01:32Ma, I swear, I'm not Daddy, I'm me.
01:36Are you alone?
01:37Yes, I'm alone.
01:39Please open the door, I'm holding a train.
01:42How long are you going to stay locked in your room?
01:45Until I know he is not in the house.
01:49Why don't you just talk to him?
01:51I have nothing to say to him.
01:53Well, maybe he does.
01:54I know, and I've heard it all before.
01:57I love eating entrees, don't you?
02:00I love eating.
02:01Ma, just talk to him.
02:04The only trouble is that no matter how careful you are,
02:07there's always crumbs in the bed.
02:10Even if you're only having soup.
02:13Won't you feel better resolving this one way or the other?
02:17Oh, look at that.
02:18Crumbs already.
02:20Well, I'll just brush them over on Chester's side.
02:27You see, there are some advantages to sleeping alone.
02:31Of course, that's the only one I can think of.
02:34Ma, you should see him.
02:36He sits in the living room, and every time someone walks by,
02:39he grabs their arm and weeps.
02:42It's impossible to get anything done around here.
02:45Maybe if you just talk to him, he'll go away.
02:48Oh, I can't, Corinne. Not now.
02:51Maybe soon.
02:52Five or ten years.
02:55All right.
02:56Let me know if you want anything else, okay?
02:58All right, darling. Thank you.
03:00You know, this is the first time I've stayed in my room like this
03:03since I had the measles.
03:05Good night, darling.
03:06Good night, Ma.
03:07Thank you.
03:08You're welcome.
03:09Bye-bye.
03:17Chester, you get out of here.
03:20Jess, please, just listen.
03:22Oh!
03:23That was my spleen.
03:25Well, you're lucky that's all that it is.
03:27Jess, please, listen. I'm sick. I've got a disease.
03:31Well, with the company you keep, I don't wonder.
03:37No, Jess, not that.
03:39Don't you understand I can't help it?
03:41What I do is a sickness.
03:43Oh, really?
03:44Is that what you call it, a sickness?
03:46And the cure is bed, is it?
03:50I'll get help, Jess, if you'd just give me another chance.
03:53I'll get help, I swear it.
03:54If I were diabetic, you wouldn't throw me out.
03:56If you were a diabetic, you'd stay away from the cookies.
04:02Jess, I want help.
04:04I swear it, I hate what I do as much as you.
04:06Oh, I know, it's a real drag, isn't it?
04:10All that dressing and undressing.
04:15You won't believe me, will you?
04:17If I were a fat man who couldn't stop eating, you wouldn't throw me out.
04:21If I couldn't stop drinking, you'd let me stay.
04:24Well, this is no different.
04:26I'm sick, Jess.
04:29I'm a sick man, and I'm in need.
04:33Chester, don't cry.
04:36I'm a sick man, Jess.
04:38I'm sick, and I'm hurting.
04:41I'm scared.
04:44Okay, Chester, okay.
04:46Look, we'll talk.
04:48You'll get help.
04:49Thanks, Jess.
04:51In the meantime, you'll stay in the guest room.
04:54Guest room?
04:55Yes, we'll look at it this way, Chester.
04:57You have a disease, and I don't want you to near me until you're cured.
05:16Well, so you'll keep in touch?
05:19Yes, I will, Miss Page. Thanks for coming by.
05:22Because if you don't hire me, I got a job offer from a couple of chinks down the block with two little brats.
05:28So let me know.
05:29You'll be the first one I call.
05:31Nice seeing you, lady.
05:32Bye.
05:37You believe that? Apply for a nanny, and Rommel comes over.
05:41It's been like that all day.
05:43She wasn't so bad.
05:44Are you kidding? Of all of them, she was the most charming.
05:47Johnny, some of them were very, very nice. You're just being picky.
05:50I can't help it, Ma. I'm looking for someone very special, very loving, very unique.
05:56Like who?
05:57Like you. Only I can't find it.
06:00I'm sitting right here.
06:02Oh, come on, Ma. I'm being serious.
06:03And I'm not?
06:04Mom, you can't run down here every day. It's an hour's drive.
06:07True. But you could move home.
06:10Why not? I'd love it. Bert would love it.
06:15Even Bob has said he's looking forward to...
06:21Bert and I would really love it.
06:24Ma, it took me 26 years to move out.
06:27Besides, I don't want to tie you down.
06:29Tie me down to what? What do I have to do all day? Rope cattle? What?
06:33Ma, you're forgetting how much time a baby demands of you.
06:36But there's me and Bert and Mrs. Burns down the street.
06:39Oh, she'd adore sitting with Wendy a few days a week.
06:42Mrs. Burns, you mean that sweet little old lady who used to babysit for me?
06:46Mm-hmm.
06:47Ma, she was 90 back then.
06:49She's 62.
06:51By 1930, she was 62.
06:54Come on, Ma, let's go. I fixed it.
06:56Fixed what?
06:57The thing that needed fixing.
06:59What thing?
07:00Doesn't matter. You've got to get a new one anyway.
07:02Jody, those things don't last forever.
07:04What thing?
07:05What thing? Again, please, Mary, let's go, huh?
07:07Boo-boo-boo-boo, Grandpa. Come on, Ma, let's go.
07:13Bert, talk to Jody. Convince him I'm right.
07:16Jody, please, she's right, huh? Your mother is right.
07:19Listen to her on this, huh?
07:20She knows what she's talking about. Just trust her on this one, okay?
07:25What am I talking about here, please?
07:28Mom wants me to move back home.
07:30So? Come home. Jody, come on, there's plenty of room.
07:33Hey, you could go back to work, and let's face it, if you were living with us,
07:36you wouldn't get those crackpots from the welfare department, right?
07:39Oh, yeah.
07:41All right, so?
07:43I don't know.
07:44Come on, Jody. Come home. Come on.
07:47We could do things together again, like hunting and fishing in the old days.
07:51We never did that.
07:54No, we can.
07:57Just think it over, okay, honey?
07:59I will, Ma, I promise. I admit it does make some sense.
08:02Absolutely makes sense. Come on, Jody. All right, think about it.
08:04Roll it over in your head, do whatever you want to do.
08:06Boo-boo-boo-boo, Grandpa. Come on.
08:10Okay. Goodbye, honey.
08:12Oh, please don't feel pressured by us in any way.
08:15I don't, Ma, really.
08:16Does that mean you're going to move home?
08:17Ma?
08:18Ma.
08:19Okay, okay.
08:21Just remember, if you change your mind...
08:23I'll call.
08:24Should I write down the number?
08:26I think I'll remember it.
08:27Okay. Bye. Bye, Wendy.
08:30Talk to you later.
08:31If you should call, we should be home in an hour.
08:33Ma?
08:39Wait an hour and a half, traffic.
08:42Bye.
08:45Lock this door.
09:02Hey, uh, Ma?
09:04What, Bert?
09:06Can I ask you a little question?
09:08Mm-hmm.
09:12How was I?
09:15Oh, Bert, you were wonderful.
09:18I told you that.
09:20You're so silly.
09:22You were wonderful.
09:26Do you say that to all the Berts?
09:31It's nothing. I was just kidding. I was just wondering.
09:34I told you.
09:36It couldn't have been any better, really.
09:38It was the best ever.
09:41Yeah?
09:42Yeah.
09:47The best ever for me or for any Bert?
09:49Bert?
09:50I'm just, ma'am, I gotta know.
09:52Can't you just forget it?
09:54Forget it? Ma'am, please.
09:55There was another man in my house.
09:57In my bed.
09:58In my pajamas.
10:04There was another man in the house, ma'am.
10:06Come on, how do I forget that?
10:09It wasn't as if I fell in love with another man.
10:11It wasn't another man. It was you.
10:14To you, it was me. To me, it wasn't me.
10:16To me, it was that hot little silver guy that's...
10:21So how was he?
10:23I don't believe this.
10:24I gotta know, ma'am. Come on, just how was he?
10:26I refuse to discuss this.
10:27Great, huh?
10:28Oh, yeah, he was really great.
10:30Yeah, what was so great?
10:32I mean, what did he do that was so great?
10:34I mean, how many ways are there
10:36that someone can be much better than someone else?
10:39It's not like dancing.
10:43I mean, there's not a whole lot of steps.
10:46So what did he do that was, you know,
10:47fancy space stuff that we don't have yet?
10:52Was that it?
10:54I'm not discussing this, Bert.
10:55It's ridiculous.
10:57Because if it was some kind of science fiction type sex, Mary,
11:00I could not compete.
11:01Those guys live forever.
11:02I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of things
11:04that they could do forever.
11:07So was that it?
11:08I mean, could he, you know, go forever?
11:15You know something?
11:16You're selfish.
11:18You are an incredibly selfish man, Bert Campbell.
11:21Don't change the subject here, Mary.
11:23I know what you're trying to do.
11:24You're just trying to throw me off the track.
11:25No, I'm not.
11:26I went through hell, Bert, hell.
11:28The man I thought was you was an animal, a maniac.
11:31I had to keep moving all the time.
11:33If I sat down, oh, God forbid, lay down, it was over.
11:37I felt like a fly I had to keep going again and again.
11:44And not only that, he was always going after other women.
11:48Family, friends, strangers, anyone.
11:51So when you're all upset over how terrible it was for you, Bert,
11:54it was equally terrible for me.
11:56It was not only your ordeal.
12:00It's incredible.
12:02You and I had a terrible. He had a ball.
12:09I'm sorry, Mary.
12:12Don't you see that it could never be as good with him
12:14because the most important thing was missing?
12:23It was?
12:26Yes.
12:28Then how'd he do it?
12:32No, Bert, not that.
12:34Oh, oh, I see.
12:37Too bad.
12:42Love was missing, Bert.
12:45And when that's missing, all the expertise in the world
12:47isn't going to make it any good.
12:50That's why it couldn't come close to being what it is with you.
12:55Oh, Bert, I love you, I love you.
12:57Oh, I love you, too, Mary.
13:03Tell me one little thing he did you really like.
13:05Bert.
13:06Come on, Mary, just one little thing.
13:08Just not a big thing, a little thing. I'll never ask you again.
13:12Well, he would bite my earlobe.
13:18He would bite your earlobe?
13:20He would bite your earlobe?
13:22Yes.
13:23That's what you like, earlobe biting?
13:26Bert.
13:27Is that what this commotion is about?
13:29Some little guy comes by, chews on your ear, everybody gets crazy?
13:33Bert, you said one little thing. That's one little thing.
13:38What was it, like this?
13:42What do you do with the earring? Swallow it?
13:51Hey, tell me, how does it feel to be 18?
13:54Pretty much the same. So far, only one minor artery is hardened.
14:02Corinne, have you seen Eunice?
14:04Behind you.
14:07Just checking.
14:10What was that?
14:11Oh, Corinne, he is just driving me crazy.
14:14I roll over in bed at night and I can't believe it.
14:17He is just driving me crazy.
14:19I roll over in bed at night and he asks me where I'm going.
14:22Well, I can't blame him, Eunice.
14:23I mean, he practically caught you red-handed in a hotel with another guy.
14:27Eric and I were discussing insurance premiums.
14:32Louise, Eunice, insurance?
14:34Really, we had an accident. He rear-ended me.
14:40I don't think your insurance covers that.
14:44Oh, you see that? You see how he watches me?
14:47He never takes his eyes off me.
14:55He doesn't trust you, Eunice.
14:57Well, what kind of relationship are we going to have without trust?
15:00Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, you just don't have anything.
15:04I'll be right back.
15:05Where are you going?
15:06To call Eric. I've got to tell him we have to be more careful.
15:10Jess?
15:12Hi.
15:13Hello.
15:14You look very nice this evening.
15:16Thank you.
15:17Oh, Jess.
15:18The hands.
15:20No hands. And no talking unless it is absolutely necessary.
15:25Now, this is Billy's birthday and we don't want anyone to know that there's trouble between us.
15:29Anything you say, Jess.
15:31And when someone comes close, then we put up some kind of a front.
15:34Oh, Jess, you say the funniest things.
15:37Jess, you say the funniest things.
15:39Oh, Jess.
15:40The hands.
15:47So, have you thought it over?
15:49About moving back home? Yeah.
15:51And?
15:52I don't know.
15:53Well, we don't want to pressure you in any way.
15:55No, there's no pressure. Absolutely no pressure at all. You understand that? None.
15:59Come home. This is killing your mother.
16:02Come home.
16:07Don't try it.
16:08Here you go, Jodi.
16:11Oh, Jess, you have the most wonderful news. Jodi's moving back home.
16:15Mary, I'm so happy for you.
16:17Could Chester have his apartment?
16:26How are they?
16:27How are who?
16:28The hors d'oeuvres.
16:29Oh, well, I haven't tried them yet.
16:31I'm really worried, big guy. I never made hors d'oeuvres before.
16:34There wasn't much call for them in South Block 8.
16:37I'm sure.
16:38You know, rolling the little bitty dough and rolling the little bitty meat.
16:41That isn't easy when you got stubby hands.
16:43You see my hands? They're stubby.
16:46I got stubby hands.
16:47I see them, Dutch. I see them.
16:48That's from hauling garbage and greasing trucks and fitting sewer pipes.
16:52Here. Here. Try one.
16:56I think not.
16:58Oh, come on, big guy. Just a little taste.
17:00Maybe in a little while.
17:01Take a bite.
17:02No.
17:03Dutch.
17:07How are they?
17:08Very good.
17:11You just saved me.
17:15What's the matter, darling? You seem nervous.
17:17Oh, Ma, everyone is gonna meet Leslie tonight. It is nerve-wracking.
17:21Last night I dreamt she eloped with the entire senior class.
17:25Darling.
17:26You love Leslie?
17:27Well, we all love you, so we'll all love Leslie.
17:33What's that for?
17:34Just for being such a terrific mother.
17:36Oh, thank you.
17:37That's her. She's here. Everyone relax.
17:46Oh.
17:55Happy birthday, Billy.
17:56Thanks.
17:57Hey, 18 big ones, huh?
17:58Well, he still looks like jailed Ethan Neeb, Bob.
18:02So, where's your teacher, huh?
18:04Is she polishing her apples?
18:12Good evening.
18:13Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry I'm late.
18:15Oh, are you late? I didn't notice.
18:17Everyone, this is Leslie Walker. Leslie, this is everyone.
18:21Oh.
18:29Uh, hi, teach. You wanna go upstairs and conjugate some verbs?
18:32Bye.
18:34Hi, I'm Mom Burt, P.S. 71, class of 46.
18:37Hi, Leslie Walker.
18:39What's the capital of Arizona?
18:40Uh, Phoenix.
18:41Woo-hoo! Stay right. It's nice to see you.
18:46That's his teacher?
18:48Not bad, huh?
18:49Not bad. All my teachers look like Rocky Marciano.
18:53I might have gone to a class once in a while if I had teachers that looked like her.
18:57I might have gone to a class of mine that looked like Rocky Marciano.
19:06You know something here?
19:08It's very ironic.
19:10What?
19:11Well, they made it illegal for teachers to hit the students,
19:14and now there's a... Wait a minute.
19:16Hey, now the students hit on the teachers.
19:20It's ironic.
19:25She's adorable, didn't I tell you?
19:29Do you think they're, you know...
19:31No, absolutely not. Please.
19:34He's a child. He still plays with his boat.
19:40Billy, I have a little present for you.
19:42Oh, you didn't have to do that.
19:44I quit my job.
19:45That's my present?
19:46Well, I had applied for a job at the university last semester,
19:49and it came through.
19:51So that means...
19:52Exactly.
19:54Mm-hmm.
19:57What does it mean?
20:00Well, it means that I'm no longer your teacher.
20:03Mrs. Fairbanks is your teacher now. See?
20:06You mean I have to take out Mrs. Fairbanks?
20:09You're 18. You're a man.
20:12I'm no longer bound by any legal or moral code.
20:15I can safely give you your present.
20:18And tonight, I'm gonna light up every candle on your cake.
20:33I better start thinking of a wish.
20:39Private, is she bothering you?
20:42Who, Grant?
20:44These camp followers can be a pain.
20:46Gramps, this is Mrs. Walker.
20:48Hello.
20:49Mrs. Biff Walker?
20:51Blackjack Biff's wife?
20:54Your husband is one hell of a pilot, Mrs. Walker.
20:58Grant.
21:00You've got to be careful, son.
21:02A non-com with an officer's wife can get you 20 years in the brig.
21:06Also, don't bite her shoulder.
21:09Don't bite her shoulder. She hates that.
21:16What a colorful family you have.
21:18Look, I know they seem a little, uh...
21:21And the major seems a lot.
21:23But don't let it bother you, okay? It's not hereditary.
21:26I mean, deep down, we're all strong-willed, clear-minded people.
21:29Oh, I wasn't worried.
21:30Good.
21:33You did it again, Eunice.
21:36So you have to be careful, huh?
21:38Will you just stay away from me?
21:40You asked for it, Eunice.
21:41Wait a minute. What is going on?
21:43Hey, Dutch, come on. Get a hold of yourself.
21:45Hey, hey, come on. Chalk liver never solved anything.
21:49You're right, Bert. Thanks.
21:51I should just kill him.
21:52Hey, hey.
21:54Oh, Jess, take me back. Take me back.
21:56Please help me. Don't send me away.
21:58Oh, Jess.
22:03Why don't we go?
22:04Now?
22:05Yeah, it's time to open my present.
22:08I don't know.
22:13What is it that you want?
22:14Get away from me.
22:15Get away from me.
22:16Get away from me.
22:17Get away from me.
22:20In the last episode of Soap,
22:22Chester told Jessica he fools around with other women
22:25because he's sick and needs help.
22:27Mary convinced Jody to move back home,
22:29and that way, he could get help with the baby.
22:31Danny met a girl named Polly at the cemetery
22:34who might help him get over Elaine.
22:36And Bert, who has trouble sleeping,
22:38went to the doctor for a physical, hoping that might help.
22:41Confused? You won't be after this episode of Soap.
22:49This is the story of two sisters,
22:52Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
22:57These are the Tates.
23:00And these are the Campbells.
23:02And this is Soap.
23:33Okay, listen.
23:34I think you should take the bottom drawers in the bureau
23:37because you're shorter,
23:38and I'll take the back of the closet
23:40because my arms are longer.
23:41Are you sure it's all right?
23:43Well, there's not much I can do about it now.
23:46It must be from all those chin-ups.
23:48No, no, Danny, I mean about moving in here with you.
23:51I mean, after all, this is your room.
23:53Are you kidding me?
23:55My little brother is moving back home.
23:57I wouldn't have it any other way.
23:59I can't believe I'm back.
24:00It took me all those years to move out.
24:02But it will make life a little easier.
24:04I can go back to work, and I'll know when he's okay.
24:07Hey, listen, you want the lumpy mattress
24:10or the springy mattress?
24:11Springy, if it's okay.
24:13It's cool. I like lumpy.
24:15Makes me feel like there's someone in here with me.
24:21You know, I remember when we shared a bedroom as kids
24:24in the old house.
24:25Yeah.
24:26You told me my first dirty joke.
24:29Yeah, and you didn't get it.
24:33You were so innocent.
24:36I was four.
24:39Hey, listen, I got a surprise for you.
24:41This is a real blast from the past.
24:45Ta-da!
24:46The hoop, our old basketball hoop.
24:49Wow, you saved it all these years?
24:51Yep.
24:52All right, little one, little two,
24:54Two from the floor, three from the beds.
24:57Okay.
24:58Turn off the TV.
24:59Whoa!
25:01Well, look at this.
25:03It's a meeting of the minds.
25:05Einstein and Dr. Freud.
25:08Let's do it!
25:10Hey, did you hear?
25:11Jody's moving back in.
25:13Did I hear?
25:14My room is being transformed into a nursery.
25:16Did I hear, he says.
25:18Oh, see, the nursery's for the baby, Bob.
25:20See, Jody's moving back in.
25:22And he's bringing his baby with him.
25:24And the baby is going to sleep in the nursery.
25:26Look, let me explain it to you.
25:27Hey, I got it, I got it.
25:29God, it's like talking to a brick.
25:32Look, Jody and Danny are going to share a room,
25:34so you and I are going to have to share our room again.
25:37Hi.
25:38Mary, can I please sleep with the baby?
25:41I love that baby, and I've always loved that baby.
25:45And even more important, I really hate Chuck.
25:49That's the arrangement.
25:50Take it or leave it.
25:51Hey, man, where is everybody?
25:52Jody, come on, look.
25:53Oh, look at this.
25:54Look at that.
25:55Isn't this great?
25:56All the kids here.
25:57And my three sons.
25:59I feel like Fred McMurray.
26:02Where are you off to?
26:03We'll do something special.
26:04Come on, what do you want to do?
26:05The whole family goes.
26:06We'll go bowling.
26:07We'll shoot a little pool.
26:08Jody, it's your night.
26:09Whatever you want.
26:10Name it.
26:11I don't want to go apartment hunting, Bob.
26:13Will you just calm down?
26:17No, no, no.
26:19That's the way I want it.
26:20I'll move.
26:21I'll live alone.
26:22And if I get murdered in my sleep, it's on your head.
26:26That's ridiculous.
26:28It sure is.
26:29How could you possibly get your own place?
26:31You have to stand in a chair to open a door.
26:34Oh, Jody.
26:37Jody, Jody, Jody.
26:39Mama.
26:40I'm going to make your favorite meal tonight.
26:43Thanks, Mama.
26:44Hey, Jody.
26:45The Knicks are playing at the garden tonight.
26:47These are center court.
26:48I really had to pull strings.
26:49Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
26:51I was going to take them bowling here.
26:52I mean, all of us.
26:53I reserved an alley already.
26:54I was going to cook something special
26:56and drive us all to Coney Island,
26:58just like when you were little.
26:59Coney Island?
27:00What were you going to cook?
27:01It's alley three, guys.
27:02That's our alley.
27:03Bert, the Knicks are playing the Lakers.
27:05They are.
27:06Lasagna.
27:07Lasagna?
27:08What time is the game?
27:09It's at 10 o'clock.
27:10Lasagna.
27:11Lasagna?
27:12What time is the game?
27:13We can go on the cyclone.
27:14You used to love the cyclone.
27:15The cyclone?
27:16Hey, Dan, you got an extra ticket?
27:19Frozen custard and Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs.
27:22Of course, it's entirely up to you, Jody.
27:24Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs?
27:26And frozen custard.
27:28I love the cyclone.
27:30What time is the game, Dan?
27:31Hold it, hold it.
27:32Listen, everybody.
27:33I really appreciate this.
27:34And it all sounds great.
27:35But what do you say we all stay home together?
27:38I mean, the whole family.
27:39We can eat some lasagna and play with Wendy.
27:41What do you say?
27:42That's cool.
27:43Yeah, sure.
27:44If that's what you call fun, Jody.
27:49And then we can have a nice chat, huh?
27:51I'd love nothing more.
27:53Sure.
27:54Hey, you got an extra ticket?
27:55So, uh, so we're not going to Coney Island.
27:57Is that it?
27:58You mean you still want to go?
28:00Okay, Dan.
28:01What time is that game?
28:02Because if you'd like to go, we could go.
28:04I'd love to go.
28:05I'd love to go to the game.
28:06Well, you know, just long enough to chow down a dog,
28:08take a spin on the cyclone, a little frozen custard.
28:10Yeah, here, here.
28:11Let me have those here.
28:12Thank you very much.
28:13Hey, welcome home, Jody.
28:14Chuck, Bob, get your car.
28:18We won't be long, Jody.
28:20I'll wait up.
28:21Don't bother.
28:22Put the lasagna in the oven for an hour, 350 degrees.
28:25So wonderful having my family together again.
28:36Yes.
28:46Daddy should be here any moment.
28:47Just make yourself comfortable.
28:52You know, Chester, I feel kind of funny
28:55discussing our marital problems with the minister.
28:58I feel funny discussing it with anybody.
29:00Of course, it would be worse if it were a priest.
29:04It would be like discussing a film with a blind man.
29:10A rabbi would have been nice.
29:12They seem very wise.
29:14But I suppose you have to be Jewish.
29:16I wonder which religion does the biggest business
29:19in this sort of thing.
29:22Uh, sorry I'm late.
29:24Got stuck in a death.
29:29I beg your pardon?
29:30Funeral.
29:31Just did a funeral.
29:32A poor guy got killed roller skating.
29:35Oh.
29:36He fell?
29:37Drowned.
29:38Was skating in the park.
29:39Couldn't stop.
29:40Skated into the lake.
29:41Couldn't swim.
29:42That was that.
29:45Left a wife, two kids, and a Porsche with no problems.
29:49But on to happier things.
29:51You are the Tates, and you are here because...
29:57Go ahead, Chester.
29:58Oh, no, Jess, you can go first.
30:00You tell it better.
30:03Well, we have a problem.
30:06Not a big problem, really.
30:07Actually, it's a little problem.
30:09But it's big enough to be a problem.
30:11It's been a problem for a while.
30:12I never thought it was a problem.
30:15But now I see that the problem which is our problem
30:18is really my problem.
30:19And of course, being my problem,
30:20it actually becomes her problem.
30:22And that, in a nutshell, is the problem.
30:26Well put, Chester.
30:29Could you be a little more specific, do you suppose?
30:32Chester goes through women
30:34the way an elephant goes through peanuts.
30:39See, he fools around with anything, anytime, anywhere.
30:44He lies, he deceives, he sneaks around.
30:47He cheats before work, he cheats during work,
30:50he cheats after work.
30:51He cheated on our honeymoon, he cheated on our anniversary.
30:54He cheated while I was in labor in the hospital.
30:58In the hospital.
31:00He has cheated practically every week of every month
31:03of every year of our entire marriage.
31:05But other than that, he has been a wonderful husband.
31:14I see.
31:15Well, it's starting to take you a long time to come see me.
31:18Took her all this time to catch me.
31:21Of course.
31:23Well, uh, I see this sort of problem a lot.
31:26It seems to be going around.
31:28I think part of the reason is
31:32that there are no more Indians.
31:40Beg your pardon?
31:41You see, in the olden days, we had Indians to worry about.
31:45Where were the Indians?
31:46Were the Indians surrounding us?
31:48Were the Indians angry Indians?
31:50Did the Indians want our horses?
31:53Nobody fooled around because you couldn't relax long enough.
31:58Now, we got no more Indians.
32:02I see.
32:05The best marriages were in the Apache Territory
32:08because those were the worst Indians.
32:11Hostiles without no hostility within.
32:14We have a lot to thank the Indians for.
32:17Happy marriages, nice beadwork.
32:21Uh, well, what do we do now that there are no more Indians?
32:28Aggravate some other group, maybe.
32:32Look, I don't think I need Indians.
32:35I want a change.
32:37I want desperately never to look at another woman again,
32:39and I sincerely think that I can do that.
32:42Excuse me, Daddy?
32:44Could I please borrow the car keys?
32:46Sure, angel puss.
32:49Thanks.
32:54My daughter.
32:56I see the resemblance.
33:00Well, Mr. Tate, I see your problem.
33:02I have trouble understanding it, but I do see it.
33:05I mean, if I had such a lovely, feminine,
33:10genteel, sophisticated, enticing,
33:15gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous piece of gorgeousness in my house,
33:20I'd never leave.
33:26Well, yes, of course, but I mean, gorgeous.
33:29See, the problem is gorgeous.
33:32Uh, your ministry.
33:36How do you keep your marriage trouble-free?
33:40Divorce.
33:43Married 16 years.
33:45My wife decided we had to have new carpeting in the family room.
33:48Guy came to lay the carpet,
33:50probably got a little confused about what he was there to lay.
33:57Left me with four rolls of Bigelow shag
34:00and took off with my wife.
34:02How awful.
34:04Might have been an Indian.
34:07Well, that's beside the point.
34:09We're here to help you people.
34:11Now, the problem is Mr. Tate's.
34:17It is not your problem.
34:19You have no problems.
34:21Au contraire.
34:25Now, Mr. Tate, we have a group that meets here once a week.
34:29It's a bunch of men like yourself with the same sort of problem.
34:32It's kind of a group therapy situation
34:34led by a very competent lay therapist.
34:37I used to lead the group myself, but I had to quit.
34:39The stories got me too excited.
34:48You should hear those guys talk.
34:51Anyway, I think it'll do you a lot of good.
34:53Come tomorrow night, 8 o'clock.
34:55Well, I've got to run. A wedding.
34:57Complete waste of time. They haven't got a chance.
35:01He's 49. She's 21.
35:03Been married four times. I give it ten days.
35:06Ten days.
35:30Yeah?
35:31Hi.
35:32Make it fast.
35:33We don't want any.
35:36Come here.
35:42Yeah?
35:43Is this 58 Milburn Street?
35:45Who wants to know?
35:46I'm looking for Polly Dawson.
35:48I ain't her.
35:56Do you have me confused with somebody you really hate?
36:00You see this?
36:02Yes, I do. I see that.
36:03Take a good look at it,
36:04because in about two seconds, it's going to be behind you.
36:06Look, could you just tell Polly that I'm here?
36:09I'd rather not.
36:10For me?
36:11Beat it.
36:12Could I leave a note?
36:13Eddie, what's going on around here?
36:15Nothing, Mama.
36:16Oh, excuse me. Hi. I'm here to see Polly.
36:18Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, let the man in.
36:24Hi.
36:25Polly!
36:26Someone to see you.
36:29Coming.
36:31Danny.
36:32I was in the neighborhood. I thought I...
36:34Hey, who is this creep?
36:35Uh, this is Danny.
36:37Hi there.
36:38Where'd you find him?
36:40We met last week at the cemetery.
36:42Oh, you hang around cemeteries.
36:45I was there visiting my wife.
36:47And you just happened to pick up this black chick along the way
36:50so the day wouldn't be a total loss.
36:53Danny, why don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable?
36:56I'm Polly's mother, and this is her brother, Eddie.
36:59Hi.
37:01Why don't you get out now while you can still crawl?
37:04I think he's warming up to me.
37:07Eddie, why don't you get out of here?
37:11Next time, I won't be so polite.
37:18So, uh, how'd you find me?
37:21It was easy, really.
37:22My stepfather and my brother and me
37:24staked out the graveyard for a couple of days,
37:26and when you didn't show there,
37:27I just started it on the phone book.
37:29There's only a couple hundred Dawsons.
37:31Oh, I never did tell you my address, did I?
37:33Or your last name, or your phone number.
37:35Well, you didn't ask.
37:37I didn't think it was a good time.
37:39I guess you changed your mind, huh?
37:42Yeah, I did.
37:44I don't hear nobody talking.
37:49I was taking a breath, Eddie.
37:51Is it all right if we breathe?
37:53Okay, so long as it don't become audible.
38:00It's just that I felt really good that afternoon.
38:03I haven't felt that good in a long time,
38:05and I wanted to feel that way again, so I found you.
38:09Was that okay?
38:10Yes, because I felt the same way.
38:14You did?
38:15Yes.
38:16Sounds like a damn movie.
38:19Then you're glad I'm here?
38:21Glad? I'm amazed.
38:24I'm incensed.
38:27Eddie!
38:29When I thought I might not ever see you again,
38:31I got a little worried.
38:32I didn't.
38:33You didn't?
38:34Uh-uh.
38:35Because there are only seven Dallases in the phone book.
38:38See, I did a little research, too.
38:41I guess this means that maybe I can see you some more then, huh?
38:45I would say so.
38:48Well, I have to come here.
38:52Eddie, please.
38:57Hey, look, it's only about 7 o'clock now.
38:59Do you want to go out?
39:00Sure, let's go.
39:02Have her home by 8.
39:05Mama, I'm going to go out for a few hours.
39:08Oh, honey, if you go by the cemetery,
39:10stop by Grandpa and say hi.
39:12Oh, we're not going to go there.
39:14Ready?
39:15Yes.
39:16It was nice meeting you.
39:18Oh, nice meeting you, Danny.
39:20See you again, brother.
39:28You touch one hair on her head,
39:31and I will break every bone in your head.
39:37He's a little hostile, isn't he?
39:39Oh, don't worry about Eddie.
39:41He's a little hostile, isn't he?
39:43Oh, don't worry about Eddie.
39:44He gets it from our father.
39:46That's comforting.
39:59Hey, Doc.
40:00Hey.
40:01How you doing, Doc?
40:02Sit down.
40:03Yeah, all right, come on.
40:04What's the matter? Come on, why so glum?
40:06Dow Jones down again?
40:09Bert, I wanted to talk to you without Mary.
40:14Something's the matter with Mary?
40:16Wait a minute, Doc, what, God, she's sick?
40:18Oh, she's not going to die?
40:19No, no, no, Mary, Mary's fine.
40:21She's never been better.
40:22Oh, good, thank you, Doc.
40:23I love you, Doc.
40:24I really love you, Doc.
40:25In fact, she's pregnant.
40:33Pregnant, Mary?
40:34That's right.
40:36You mean she's going to have a baby?
40:39That's what it usually means.
40:44A baby!
40:46Oh, I love it, a baby!
40:48Mary and I must...
40:49They'll be our first baby together, Doc.
40:51A baby, oh, God, thank you, you're terrific.
40:54Oh, a baby, Doc, Doc, Doc.
40:56Mary and I are going to have a baby.
40:58I know.
41:00I can't believe it.
41:02Now, Bert, there's something we have to talk about.
41:04What? I know, I know what, our age.
41:06We're not old.
41:07Come on, it's better to have a baby when you're older,
41:09because you're smarter.
41:10Really, you got more experience, you know more things,
41:13and you don't care so much about your clothes.
41:16Bert, it's not all good news.
41:18Come on, Doc, I know what, you never sleep, Doc.
41:20I had three kids.
41:21I didn't sleep for five years.
41:22One or two naps, that was it.
41:25Besides, the older you get, the less sleep you need.
41:27It's a medical fact.
41:28Don't you ever read Newsweek?
41:30Bert, that's not all.
41:32Twins!
41:33Yeah, twins!
41:34Whoo-hoo!
41:35Twins!
41:36Oh, that's, oh, God, that's great.
41:38Twins, that's great.
41:39No, no, no, it's not.
41:40Yes, Doc, I'm telling you, it's great, it's great.
41:42I just won't dress them the same.
41:44I hate that.
41:46I got two old maid twin aunts.
41:47They're 80 now.
41:48They still dress the same.
41:50Every day they wake up and argue about what they're going to wear.
41:53They're very weird.
41:55Bert, that's not it.
41:56You're probably right.
41:57They were probably weird to begin with.
41:59No, Bert, it's you.
42:01Yeah, I have been called weird.
42:05Bert, uh, you remember the tests we did?
42:08Do I remember?
42:09You should see my arms.
42:10I look like a junkie here.
42:12And then you remember we did a second bunch of tests.
42:15Yeah, she took the rest of my blood.
42:17But I got maybe a half a cup left dashing around my body
42:19trying to cover it all.
42:22Both sets came back the same, Bert.
42:24Good, that's a relief, then I don't have to do it a third time.
42:28Bert, I'm afraid you're a very sick man.
42:36Mm-hmm.
42:38You have Mylar syndrome.
42:41It's a very rare blood disease.
42:45Yeah, so? What's the cure?
42:48There is no cure.
42:51What happens? What do you mean?
42:53It just goes away all by itself?
42:55I'm afraid not.
42:58Oh? What happens?
43:02It's fatal, Bert.
43:06I'm sorry.
43:10Mm-hmm.
43:15Are you sure?
43:18That's why we did the second battery of tests.
43:21Huh.
43:23It's me? Yeah.
43:26No. Bert.
43:28No. No, no. You just told me we're having a baby.
43:31Bert, you are. Then I can't die. I'm not dying. I can't.
43:34Bert, I wish there was something I could do.
43:36I wish there was one thing I could do.
43:50How long? I mean, how much time?
43:53About five months.
43:55Five months?
43:57Everybody else gets six.
43:59They always say six months to a year.
44:01What is this? I get five?
44:04It could be six, Bert.
44:06No, I don't believe that. I don't.
44:09What do you call this stuff?
44:11It's Mylar syndrome.
44:14And you got nothing for it here?
44:16You got wonder drugs and machines and men on Mars,
44:18and you got nothing for this stuff here?
44:20But Mylar wins?
44:22I'm afraid so.
44:32I gotta go.
44:35Are you gonna be okay, Bert?
44:37Apparently not.
44:43I'm sorry, Doc. Doc, I'm sorry.
44:45Come on. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
44:49You okay?
44:52Bert, if there's anything I can do...
45:07Are you sure?
45:13It's incredible.
45:15On the happiest day of my life, you tell me I have no life.
45:22I see you, Doc.