SOAP Season 1 episodes 7-8
SOAP Season 1 episodes 7-8
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PeopleTranscript
00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:12Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
00:16Jessica likes life.
00:17The only thing about life she would change, if she could, is that she would set it all
00:22to music.
00:24The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
00:31We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
00:36Mary too likes life.
00:37Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
00:41As you can see, the Campbells don't have nearly as much money as the Tates.
00:47They do, however, have as many secrets.
00:55In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica apologized to Corinne for having an affair with Peter.
01:01But Corinne refused to forgive her mother and moved out of the house and in with Peter,
01:05leaving Jessica sad and Chester mad.
01:09Bert received a telegram announcing the arrival of his other son, Chuck, and Chuck's little
01:14wooden doll, Bob, who Chuck believes is real.
01:17The godfather gave Danny a key to a cabin in the woods where a gun is hidden in the
01:22fireplace and told him he must take Bert there within two days and kill him, or the mob will
01:27kill Danny.
01:28Confused?
01:29You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
01:45Well, he's your father, Jessica.
01:48Where is he?
01:49Well, Chester, I, I, I don't...
01:51Benson?
01:52Benson?
01:53Benson, where is he?
01:55Wonderful.
01:56Just wonderful.
01:57I kill myself in the kitchen all day and then nobody eats.
02:02Benson?
02:03Look at this.
02:04Not one plate touched.
02:05Well, let's not waste all this good food.
02:09Let's invite the Campbells over.
02:11They can throw it around.
02:14Benson, one of the reasons we're not eating is because we are all worried and upset about
02:19the Major's disappearance, and the Major would not have disappeared if you had been watching
02:23him.
02:24It ain't my job to watch him.
02:25The less I see of him, the better.
02:27Benson, when was the last time you saw him?
02:30I saw him this morning.
02:32He was running around in that camouflage outfit of his terrorizing the gardener.
02:36Then he left.
02:38Did he say where he was going, Benson?
02:41On patrol.
02:43What does that mean?
02:46It means Grandpa's bonkers.
02:49It means, Jessica, that he's gotten himself into one hell of a fix again.
02:53That's what it means.
02:54It means, Jessica, that in the course of 24 hours, your daughter has left home and your
02:59father has disappeared.
03:01It means, Jessica, that perhaps you were letting this household get the better of you.
03:05Oh, it's not her fault.
03:06She's not responsible for anything.
03:08Benson!
03:09You are sitting at the table.
03:13Good, Mr. Tate.
03:17And this is standing.
03:20And this is leaving.
03:25Jessica, do you remember the last time your father disappeared?
03:29Do you remember how he took the 812 commuter train into Manhattan and attacked the German
03:36consulate?
03:37It caused an international incident, Jessica.
03:41I had to apologize to two governments.
03:44And remember on December 7th when he captured the entire staff of Benihanas of Tokyo?
03:52It cost me a fortune to keep him out of the banana hatch that time, Jessica.
03:56At ease, men.
03:57Daddy, there he is, Jessica.
03:59Where the devil have you been?
04:01Easy, Colonel.
04:02I think your anger will be assuaged when you see what I have brought you.
04:06There he is, one of the Nazis' top spies.
04:11It's Mr. Kirby.
04:12Oh, dear.
04:13Are you crazy?
04:14This is Mr. Kirby, our neighbor.
04:17Don't let him fool you.
04:18He's a master of disguise.
04:20Kirby, I am so sorry.
04:22Tate?
04:23How about a nice glass of iced tea, Mr. Kirby?
04:26I have had it, Tate.
04:28No, not a word.
04:29Don't say a word.
04:30There is nothing you can say to me, Tate.
04:32There is nothing you can say to a man who has spent an entire afternoon locked in the
04:36trunk of his car.
04:37Oh, what man was locked in the trunk of his car?
04:40It isn't enough that I occasionally get shot at.
04:44No, today I get into my car and halfway down the street a gun was placed at the back of
04:49my head.
04:50I hid in the back seat.
04:51Some cold lemonade.
04:53I was then ordered to drive out to the city dump where he proceeded to grill me for hours
05:01about troop movements on the High Fitz River.
05:04I showed him my license, my credit cards even, to prove I was an American.
05:10I kept yelling out of the trunk of the car, cornflakes, McDonald's, Reggie Jackson, toilet
05:15paper.
05:16I even sang the Star Spangled Banner, but he wouldn't believe me.
05:19Of course I didn't believe you.
05:21He couldn't tell me who played third base for the Yankees in 1931.
05:26Tell him, Colonel.
05:31He doesn't know, you idiot.
05:34So that's it, Tate.
05:36I'm going on record right now.
05:39I swear if I ever catch that lunatic near me again, I'll have him put away.
05:43A diet soda!
05:47Will you try and understand one more incident and they are going to lock you up and put
05:54you away?
05:57Yes, Colonel.
06:00But once I'm on the inside, I'll find out all their secrets, tunnel out and lead our
06:06boys to safety.
06:09Good thinking, Colonel.
06:10It's thinking like that that's going to make you a general before this war is over.
06:22Hey, hey, you, yeah, yeah, you.
06:25What is this, some national holiday I didn't hear about?
06:28I don't start paying you guys about a piece.
06:30Maybe I get a little action around here.
06:32Terrific.
06:33I asked the union for some high steel workers.
06:35They sent me steel workers who are high.
06:37What are you, hippies?
06:39Danny, Danny, Danny.
06:41Danny, what a surprise.
06:44Hey, good to see you, fella.
06:49Yeah, I know, I know.
06:50Hard to find words, isn't it, huh?
06:52Is that some of you?
06:53Look over there, Central Park.
06:55Over there, the World Trade Center.
06:57Down there, Fifth Avenue from 42 stories up.
06:59See those little ants down there?
07:01Those are bosses.
07:04Murch, Murch, listen.
07:07This friend of mine has a cabin up in the Balkans.
07:09Hey, don't leave that ribboning gun there, you jerk.
07:11What are you trying to do, kill somebody?
07:13Last time somebody left something like that laying around, it fell.
07:16Knocked a hole in a guy's head the size of the Grand Canyon.
07:19Of course, the size of the hole in his head was relatively unimportant
07:22since he went crashing down 700 feet anyway.
07:25You should have seen the thing.
07:26What a mess.
07:27I mean, picture a watermelon.
07:28Oh, Murch.
07:29Sorry.
07:30Here you go.
07:31Thanks.
07:32Murch, look.
07:34This friend of mine has a cabin up in the Poconos.
07:37And I was wondering,
07:39maybe you'd like to go up there fishing with me tomorrow, huh?
07:44Danny.
07:45Danny, Danny, Danny.
07:47Danny, you climbed all the way up here
07:49to ask me to go fishing with you?
07:51Oh, Danny.
07:52Oh, Danny, Danny, you make me so happy.
07:54Am I happy?
07:55Great.
07:56But I can't go.
07:57What?
07:58Hey, you with the ponytail,
07:59won't you cut it out of half, you creep?
08:02Chuck's coming tonight from Hawaii.
08:03I mean, can't we make it Saturday?
08:05No, no, no.
08:06It's got to be tomorrow.
08:07Well, Danny, I'm sorry.
08:08I mean, I don't know how it's going to...
08:09Look, Bert.
08:10Tomorrow's the only day that my friend will be away.
08:12Danny, I don't know...
08:13Hey, hey, you polka hunters over here.
08:15Put down your binoculars.
08:17This is for welding here, not peeping.
08:19Bert, listen.
08:21You and me are going fishing tomorrow together, huh?
08:24In the Poconos.
08:25You and me fishing together tomorrow.
08:27Got it?
08:28Oh, I'm being such an idiot.
08:32This time,
08:33my stepson asks me to do something with him,
08:35and here am I trying to find reasons why I can't.
08:37Hey, Danny.
08:38Well, we're going fishing,
08:39and we're going tomorrow, huh?
08:41I mean, after all,
08:42I haven't seen Chuck in 15 years.
08:44If I don't see him for one day,
08:45it's not going to kill me, is it?
08:47Hey, what, are you crazy up here?
08:49Indigestion up here?
08:51Yes.
08:5811, 16, 21.
09:01Carry the two.
09:05I cannot afford all this, Claire.
09:07You are spending a fortune.
09:09Chester,
09:10you didn't answer my question.
09:11I asked you if you talked to Jessica.
09:13Well, of course I talk to Jessica.
09:15Every night when I go home,
09:16I talk to Jessica.
09:18What's the matter with you, Claire?
09:21I talk to Jessica.
09:25Did you tell Jessica
09:26that you're leaving her, Chester?
09:28What is this?
09:30$2,000 for wallpaper
09:33for your apartment?
09:34Yes, Chester.
09:35What are you,
09:36papering the walls in,
09:37Claire?
09:38Currency?
09:40You know, Chester,
09:41there is a solution to all this.
09:43If you leave Jessica
09:44and move in with me,
09:45I'll be happier.
09:46And when I'm happier,
09:47I don't spend as much money.
09:49I'm sorry, Claire.
09:50Wait.
09:51That's right, wait.
09:52Remember ten years ago, Chester?
09:55Remember when you said
09:56you couldn't leave
09:57because little Billy
09:58had a perception problem
09:59and if you left then
10:00he might write backwards
10:01for the rest of his life?
10:03So I waited.
10:05And then that cleared up
10:06and Billy could read
10:07but suddenly
10:08Eunice wouldn't get out
10:09of her bathrobe
10:10or leave her room
10:11and you couldn't leave then.
10:12So I waited.
10:14And then,
10:15as soon as Eunice got dressed,
10:17Corinne stopped eating
10:20and you couldn't leave
10:21until she was keeping solids down.
10:24And so,
10:25I waited.
10:26Well, now,
10:27Billy reads,
10:28Eunice gets dressed,
10:29Corinne eats
10:30and I'm still waiting.
10:32Well, that's it for waiting, Chester.
10:34You are going to leave Jessica now.
10:36You are going to go home
10:37and tell her that you're leaving
10:38and if you don't, Chester,
10:40I will.
10:42Fine.
10:43Go.
10:44I'll do it, Chester.
10:46I swear.
10:47Fine, fine.
10:50But you need directions
10:51to the house.
10:53I know where you live, Chester.
10:55Go.
10:57Well,
10:58goodbye, Claire.
11:01Say hello to Jessica for me.
11:06Go to my house
11:07and tell Jessica.
11:10Never try to bluff a bluffer.
11:20I'm so excited
11:21I could hardly contain myself.
11:23After 15 years,
11:24I'm going to be with my son.
11:26Another son.
11:27Two sons in two weeks.
11:28That's a son a week.
11:29I don't know.
11:30Oh, Mary, Mary, Mary.
11:31I'm so excited.
11:32I haven't taken a good breath all day.
11:34It's just excitement
11:35because my son is coming.
11:36Either that or a heart attack.
11:38Yes.
11:39Oh, and you guys,
11:40you guys are going to love him.
11:42I can't wait, Bert.
11:44I mean, I've always wanted
11:45to meet a Hawaiian ventriloquist.
11:47Well, now you will.
11:50One of the best.
11:51He played all the big rooms
11:52on the island.
11:53That's him.
11:54That's him.
11:55That's him.
11:56Come on.
11:57He's here.
11:58Hello, hello.
11:59We're here to start the show.
12:00I'm Chuck.
12:01I'm Don.
12:02Hello, hello, hello.
12:03Let's go, let's go, let's go.
12:04I'll sing and dance.
12:05He'll dance and sing.
12:06Wherever we go,
12:07whatever we do,
12:08we're going to go through it
12:09together.
12:10Yeah.
12:12Yeah.
12:18Did you see that?
12:19Did you see it?
12:20Isn't he great?
12:21Uh, Chuck,
12:22I'd like to meet my wife, Mary,
12:23and her two boys,
12:24Danny and Jody.
12:25Hi.
12:26Okay, I don't need this.
12:27I'm leaving.
12:28He didn't see you.
12:29I love that.
12:30I didn't fly 6,000 miles
12:32to be stissed.
12:33Is it cute?
12:35I really don't need
12:36this aggravation
12:37from the lower middle class.
12:38Hey.
12:39Dad,
12:40could you say hi to him?
12:41I think his feelings are hurt.
12:47Sure.
12:49Hey, Bob.
12:50Nice to see you again.
12:51Did you ever
12:52say anything like that?
12:55No, I apologize.
12:57Apologize?
12:59For ignoring him.
13:04I am sorry.
13:05I...
13:06Hey, Bob.
13:08Hey, Bob.
13:09Come on, Bob.
13:10I'm sorry
13:11for ignoring you like that.
13:12It's just that
13:13I'm so happy
13:14to see Chuck here,
13:15you know?
13:19Uh,
13:20would you like a drink?
13:21Uh, no, thanks.
13:22Okay,
13:23then I'll have one.
13:25Did anyone else notice
13:26I wasn't introduced
13:27to the rest of the family?
13:29What is it?
13:30My skin's different?
13:31I'm not good enough?
13:34Oh, of course you are.
13:36Hi, Bob.
13:40I'm Mary.
13:41Hi, Mary.
13:42And this is Danny.
13:43How are you?
13:44Hi, Dan.
13:45And that's Jody.
13:46Hello, Jody.
13:47Hi.
13:56And you get uncomfortable
13:57around homosexuals, huh?
14:02Have an hors d'oeuvre.
14:03I don't eat meat.
14:04Yuck,
14:05I'm at love it here.
14:06You know,
14:07this is terrific.
14:08How do you make it work?
14:09No, it's a meat!
14:10Take it easy.
14:11Take it easy.
14:12Take it easy?
14:13Well,
14:14did he look under your clothes?
14:15Huh?
14:16Did I look under her skirt?
14:21Bob's a little upset.
14:22He hates to travel.
14:24Trot dead.
14:26Got a little plane sick.
14:27What did he do?
14:28Throw up sawdust?
14:30Oh, fine.
14:31Now the sissy's starting it.
14:33Hey,
14:34my brother is not a sissy.
14:35He's a...
14:39Bob!
14:40Bob!
14:41Bob, are you okay?
14:42Danny hurt me.
14:47What is it, Bob?
14:48My head is stuck.
14:54It's stuck.
14:55I know, Danny,
14:56help me!
14:57I know, Danny,
14:58help me!
14:59I know, Danny,
15:00help me!
15:03It's moving.
15:04Not that way!
15:08Hey,
15:09is he okay?
15:11He's fine.
15:12Knock on wood.
15:18Over here!
15:19Kazoo,
15:20daughter swine!
15:21Hey,
15:22listen,
15:23we'd like to freshen up
15:24a little bit before dinner.
15:25Yeah,
15:26I'd like that.
15:27Oh, well, good.
15:29I'll bring up your stuff
15:30in a minute or so.
15:31You can take a shower.
15:32All Bob needs
15:33is a little lemon pledge.
15:37I love Anita Dryant.
15:43I love your family.
15:44Oh, this is great.
15:45Your father just laughs
15:46and stutters.
15:47The dame just sits.
15:48One guy's a throot,
15:49and the other guy's
15:50gonna like you
15:51slightly higher than kilt.
15:53What?
16:00Ah, they had a long trip.
16:03I'm sure after they get
16:04washed up and rested,
16:05my Bob will be
16:06in a much better mood.
16:08Bert,
16:11he's a dummy.
16:13I heard that!
16:18Believe me, Mrs. Tate,
16:19I didn't want to be
16:20the one to have to
16:21tell you this,
16:22but Chester just hasn't
16:23given me any choice.
16:24I'm sorry.
16:29Well, well, well,
16:30look who's here.
16:31Glad to see you,
16:32Mr. Tate.
16:33Nice to have you home early.
16:34Let me take that from you.
16:36All right, Benson,
16:37you're being too nice.
16:39What's going on?
16:40It's a surprise.
16:45Let me fix you a drink.
16:47Benson, how many times
16:48do I have to tell you
16:49I am on a diet?
16:50I don't want a drink.
16:52I don't want this.
16:55I said no.
16:57Where is Mrs. Tate?
16:58In the dining room.
16:59Why don't you
17:00pop in and say hello?
17:09Hello, Chester.
17:10I was just leaving.
17:12Well, nice seeing you,
17:13Mrs. Tate.
17:14I'm sorry I couldn't
17:15have been under
17:16more pleasant circumstances.
17:22Jessica?
17:23Chester, I...
17:24I know.
17:25I...
17:26Horrified.
17:27Speechless.
17:28I'm speechless, Chester,
17:29and anguished.
17:31I know, I know.
17:32I'm anguished
17:34and speechless.
17:37I wish there were
17:38something I could say.
17:40Well, there's nothing
17:41to say, Chester.
17:42Oh, well, of course.
17:43I mean, of course
17:44words can't express
17:45the sorrow.
17:47The tragedy.
17:49Tragedy?
17:50Mm.
17:51Well, maybe tragedy.
17:52I guess tragedy.
17:54And horror?
17:55Oh, horror, yes.
17:57The horror took...
18:06I'm sorry, Jess.
18:07I...
18:09From the bottom of my heart,
18:11I'm sorry you had to hear.
18:12Please don't apologize, Chester.
18:14Oh, well, I know
18:15it's just words.
18:16You must promise me
18:17one thing, Chester.
18:18I'll get rid of her, Jess.
18:20You must promise me
18:21not to fire her.
18:22Abso...
18:24What?
18:26Well, Chester,
18:27I mean, that girl is sick.
18:29She is so far gone already
18:31that something like that
18:32might just
18:33push her right over the edge.
18:41Yes, I, uh...
18:43I see what you mean.
18:47Oh, poor, sad girl.
18:50I mean, Chester,
18:51to be so much
18:53in love with you
18:54that she's convinced herself
18:56that you feel the same way.
19:03And, Chester,
19:04that's not all.
19:05I mean, to believe,
19:06and believe me, Chester,
19:07I mean, she really
19:08does believe it,
19:09that...
19:10that you're actually
19:11having an affair with her.
19:15The mind, Jess.
19:16The tricks
19:17the mind plays.
19:19Poor thing.
19:20Yes.
19:27Well, Chester,
19:28you know,
19:29under the circumstances,
19:30I mean,
19:31it's not really
19:32her fault.
19:33I mean,
19:34what woman in the world
19:35wouldn't fall in love
19:36with you, Chester?
19:38Oh,
19:39I don't know.
19:45Now,
19:46I'm going to go upstairs
19:47and draw a nice,
19:48hot bath,
19:49hmm?
19:50So you can have
19:51a good,
19:52long,
19:53relaxing soak
19:54before dinner.
19:55Okay?
19:59Benson,
20:00why are you standing
20:01there with that martini?
20:02I told you I was
20:03on a diet.
20:04Mr. Tate,
20:05I have seen
20:06dumb luck
20:07in my time.
20:09I have seen
20:10a guy
20:11fill an inside
20:12straight flush
20:13to beat four races.
20:15I have seen
20:17a guy hit the
20:18daily double
20:19for two solid weeks
20:20straight.
20:22But I have never
20:23at no time
20:24seen nothing
20:25like this.
20:35Danny,
20:36you should have seen
20:37the look on your face.
20:38Well,
20:39I thought it was
20:40a snake.
20:41A snake with leaves?
20:42Hey,
20:43Danny,
20:44I'm so happy.
20:45Yeah,
20:46I mean,
20:47you know,
20:48I've always been
20:49kind of alone.
20:50I don't have a lot
20:51of friends,
20:52so to have a buddy
20:53who lives
20:54in the same house
20:55and now Peter's here
20:56and Chuck and Bob
20:57are here,
20:58well,
20:59I guess it's not
21:00fair to count Bob.
21:01He's,
21:02you know,
21:03one of those.
21:04Danny,
21:05what are you doing?
21:06Don't clean.
21:07I got to.
21:08This place is a mess.
21:09Leave it,
21:10leave it,
21:11leave it.
21:12Your mother's not here.
21:13We can feel free
21:14to be slobs.
21:15You know,
21:16the big smile of hers
21:17or the one
21:18when she doesn't
21:19open her lips,
21:20that's her most
21:21very,
21:22very pleased smile.
21:23The big smile
21:24is her moderately
21:25pleased smile.
21:26The little smile
21:27when she doesn't
21:28smile at all,
21:29that is,
21:30oddly enough,
21:31her most happy smile
21:32and that was
21:33the smile she
21:34would smile
21:35in the morning.
21:36Danny,
21:37what are you doing?
21:38Let's go out
21:39to the lake.
21:40I got to get
21:41this stuff
21:42out of the way.
21:43Why?
21:44The fish you catch
21:45hook in the fireplace.
21:46There's nothing here.
21:47Yeah,
21:48well,
21:49I mean ashes,
21:50but Danny,
21:51that's normal
21:52for a fireplace.
21:53Funny guy,
21:54funny guy.
21:55Come on,
21:56Danny,
21:57let's go out
21:58to the lake
21:59and see how
22:00they're hitting.
22:01Tonight,
22:02we get a fish
22:03fried for Chuck.
22:04Uh,
22:05Danny?
22:06Uh,
22:07Danny,
22:08where are you,
22:09Danny?
22:10I'm up here.
22:11Danny,
22:12uh,
22:13Danny,
22:14uh,
22:15what are you doing
22:16up the chimney?
22:17I'm cleaning out
22:18the flue.
22:19Cleaning out
22:20the flue?
22:21Funny guy,
22:22walks into a cabin,
22:23goes right up the chimney,
22:24cleans out a flue.
22:25Uh,
22:26there could be
22:27a safety precaution,
22:28I don't know.
22:29Hey,
22:30don't touch that.
22:31What is it?
22:32Nothing,
22:33just leave it alone.
22:34Why,
22:35it just fell down
22:36the chimney.
22:37I know it fell.
22:38Yeah,
22:39what's in it?
22:40Nothing,
22:41I need it.
22:42It's funny,
22:43you know,
22:44you think you know somebody.
22:45At home,
22:46your room's a mess.
22:47You throw food
22:48all over the kitchen,
22:49we go away for a weekend,
22:50you turn out to be
22:51Louis Pasteur.
22:52Hey,
22:53Danny,
22:54you're full of surprises.
22:55Uh,
22:56Danny,
22:57uh,
22:58that's a gun,
22:59put it down,
23:00it's dangerous.
23:01Uh,
23:02Danny,
23:03what are you doing?
23:04You,
23:05uh,
23:06you're pointing a gun
23:07at me.
23:08I'm gonna kill you,
23:09Bert.
23:10I'm gonna kill you.
23:11I'm gonna kill you.
23:16Will Claire come up with
23:17a new plan to force
23:18Chester into leaving
23:19Jessica?
23:20Will Chester leave
23:21Jessica?
23:22If he does,
23:23will Jessica know it?
23:25Will the Major continue
23:26fighting World War II
23:27single handedly?
23:29Will Bob,
23:30the wooden doll,
23:31relax and enjoy
23:32his stay with the Campbells,
23:33or will he continue
23:34to act warped?
23:36Now that Danny has
23:37the gun in his hand,
23:38will he pull the trigger
23:39pull the trigger and kill Burt?
23:41And if he does, will Burt finally stop laughing
23:44and take him seriously?
23:46These questions and many others will be answered
23:48on next week's episode of Soap.
23:52This is the story of two sisters,
23:59Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:02Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as Rich.
24:07Jessica likes life.
24:09The only thing about life she would change, if she could,
24:12is that she would set it all to music.
24:16The Tates have more secrets than they do money.
24:22We're approaching Mary Campbell's house.
24:27Mary, too, likes life.
24:29Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to be too crazy about her.
24:33As you can see, the Campbells don't have
24:35nearly as much money as the Tates.
24:38They do, however, have as many secrets.
24:46In last week's episode of Soap,
24:48another of Burt's sons, Chuck, and Bob, his wooden doll,
24:52arrived from Hawaii.
24:54Much to their horror, the Campbells discovered
24:56that Chuck believes Bob is really real.
24:59Although he really isn't real, he is real obnoxious.
25:02Claire told Chester she was going to tell Jessica everything
25:06but Chester didn't believe her.
25:08Much to Chester's surprise,
25:10Claire did tell Jessica everything.
25:12Only Jessica didn't believe her, or did she?
25:16Following the godfather's orders,
25:18Danny invited Burt to a cabin in the woods
25:20in order to kill him.
25:22Burt thought he was going in order to fish.
25:24Imagine his surprise when he found
25:26a pistol pointed at his head.
25:28Confused?
25:30You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
25:37We begin this week's episode of Soap
25:39where we left off with Danny about to kill Burt.
25:44You're going to kill me?
25:48You're joking, right? I mean, of course you're joking.
25:52What, no? You mean you're actually going to kill me?
25:57I'm having a lot of trouble believing this, but...
26:00Danny.
26:01Now, listen, Danny.
26:03If, uh, if...
26:05If you're really going to kill me,
26:06could you at least tell me why?
26:08You killed my father.
26:11That could do it.
26:16Well, that explains the gun now.
26:18Now the gun makes sense.
26:20To tell you the truth, I'm relieved.
26:22You really know what it's like trying to keep a secret like this.
26:25And the guilt, the nightmares.
26:26I have to do it, Burt.
26:28Hey. No, I want you to know that I have to do this.
26:31I don't really want to, no matter what you did,
26:33but I have to, otherwise they'll kill me.
26:35Hey, Danny, it's OK. Don't worry.
26:37I mean, I mean, I mean, what kind of a choice is that?
26:39You or me. Naturally, you're going to pick me.
26:41I mean, don't feel bad about it.
26:43Well, I just wanted you to know.
26:46So, are we going to do this now or wait a while or what?
26:51Let's do it now. I want to get it over with.
26:54This and a dentist are two things I don't like thinking about for too long.
26:58Uh, wait. Uh, Danny.
27:02Do you mind if I sit?
27:04No.
27:05Good. I think I'd like to sit down.
27:07That way I won't have so far to fall.
27:12Uh, Danny, if I'm sitting down, you have to lower the gun,
27:15otherwise you're going to hit the wall.
27:17This is very hard for me, Burt.
27:18What, do you think it's easy for me?
27:20No, but I have to pull the trigger.
27:22Hey, I'm the one that's getting shot here.
27:23I know, but I'm going to have to live with it.
27:25Hey, but I'll be dead.
27:32Oh, Danny, you ever shoot before?
27:34No. Oh, too bad.
27:36OK, don't worry now.
27:38Just line me up on the sight.
27:39There's a little bump on the end there.
27:53Goodbye, Danny.
27:55Bye, Burt.
27:58No, I can't do it!
28:01All right, all right, give me that gun.
28:03I'll shoot myself.
28:04What's wrong?
28:05Give me the gun?
28:06Danny, Danny, if you don't do it, they're going to kill you.
28:09Now, come on, shoot to kill.
28:10No!
28:11Danny, listen to me.
28:12If they kill you, your mother's never going to survive it.
28:15You're her little boy.
28:16I'm just her husband.
28:17I mean, her first husband got killed.
28:19She's used to it.
28:20No!
28:21Danny, Danny, OK, all right now.
28:23Don't panic now.
28:24Come on, we'll make believe it.
28:26We'll make believe it's a game, OK?
28:28We'll make believe that we're in a shooting gallery
28:30and I'm one of those bears, OK?
28:31And I'll move around like the bear does, OK?
28:42Forget it, Burt.
28:43Come on.
28:44No way in the world am I going to shoot you.
28:46Danny, if they want me dead, they're going to kill me.
28:49At least do it and get credit for it.
28:51They don't care about you dead.
28:53They need something on me.
28:56I'm going to have to hide out.
28:58All right.
28:59You're going to need money.
29:01I'll give you some.
29:02I've got some saved.
29:03No.
29:04Yes.
29:05I'm not taking your money, Burt.
29:06Danny, we're not discussing it.
29:07Yes, you are.
29:08No way.
29:09Danny, give me a break.
29:10If they take my money, they'll kill me, one or the other.
29:12OK, OK.
29:13I'll take some money.
29:15Good.
29:16I don't know what I'm going to tell Ma.
29:18I can't tell her the truth.
29:20No, no, she'll be worried sick.
29:22Plus, once she knows the whole story,
29:24she's not going to be too thrilled with me either.
29:26I'm murdering her.
29:27Don't worry.
29:28I'd never tell her.
29:30The godfather told me the whole thing.
29:32I know why you did it.
29:35Thanks, Danny.
29:37Come on, let's go.
29:39On the way home, we'll make up a story to tell your mother.
29:43Now, Danny, if they're out there,
29:45and they see us walk out together,
29:47they're going to figure out you didn't do it.
29:49And they're going to kill both of us.
29:51So, let me go first.
29:52None of us suspect anything.
29:58Oh!
30:04Mary, I mean, I don't understand.
30:06If it's a doll, and it's his doll,
30:08how can he think it's real?
30:10He does, I swear.
30:11It's got its own bed.
30:13I had to serve it dinner.
30:15Last night, I had to make fish because it doesn't eat meat.
30:20Why doesn't it eat meat?
30:23Jessica, it doesn't eat.
30:26Oh!
30:28And the fighting, it's always going on.
30:30Chuck and the dummy are always arguing.
30:32Mary, I mean, that is ridiculous.
30:34I mean, if he's going to have a doll,
30:36he should have one he gets along with.
30:41Shh!
30:42Huh? Here they come.
30:44Listen to me, they.
30:46I'm getting as crazy as everyone else.
30:48Morning.
30:49Morning.
30:50Chuck, I'd like you to meet my sister, Jessica Tate.
30:52Jesse, this is Chuck Campbell.
30:54Hello.
30:58And Bob.
31:01How do you do?
31:02Hello, Bob.
31:07Big ones.
31:14Hey, Cookie, you forgot something?
31:20I'm dying to see how he eats it.
31:23Oh, God, I really need this.
31:25I really need eggs like rocks this morning.
31:28Hey, sweetheart, isn't that these little yellow dolders
31:30on my plate here?
31:34Uh, Mary, Bob's eggs are too hard.
31:36He really wanted over-easy.
31:38Now, listen, Chuck, enough is enough.
31:41I am not making any more eggs, and that's fine.
31:43That I make eggs in the first place
31:45for a dumb doll that doesn't eat is crazy.
31:49So if you expect me to make them again, forget it.
31:53Okay, that's it.
31:54Call United Airlines.
31:55I hope you first slide out of here.
31:56Just calm down, Bob.
31:57This is my family.
31:58Of course.
31:59How else can anyone explain you?
32:00Now, listen, I...
32:01Oh, enough.
32:02Stop it.
32:03Stop it, she says.
32:04Who do you think started this, pussycat?
32:06You and your rotten eggs.
32:09You know, Mary, he's right.
32:11In fact, you've been creating tension between us
32:13ever since we got here.
32:14Can't you stand to see Tittle getting along?
32:16I have not.
32:17That is not true.
32:18That...
32:23I don't believe this.
32:25I'm defending myself to a dummy.
32:29Mary, if...
32:30If please, I may say something.
32:32I was here and I heard you.
32:34You did refuse to serve him.
32:36Yes.
32:47Come on in.
32:49Come on in.
32:53Hey, what are you doing?
32:54I gotta go away for a while.
32:56Where?
32:57A little trip.
32:58You're in trouble.
32:59I'm not in trouble.
33:00It's a business trip.
33:02Hey, come on, Danny.
33:03I know what business you're in.
33:04We'll get a lawyer.
33:05We'll go to the police.
33:06If we go to the police,
33:07I'll be in jail when they kill me.
33:09If we get a lawyer,
33:10I'll be broke when they kill me.
33:11Forget it.
33:12I gotta go.
33:15Danny, I think there's something
33:16we should talk about before you go.
33:17How do you fold a jacket?
33:19I don't know.
33:22Danny, when you come back,
33:24you might have a sister.
33:26What are you talking about?
33:27A few days I check into the hospital
33:28for the sex change operation.
33:30Oh, come on, Jody.
33:31I'm in no mood for jokes now.
33:33I'm serious.
33:34Come on, knock it off, will you?
33:36Danny, it's no joke.
33:37I'm gay.
33:40You never quit, do you?
33:42Hey, face...
33:43Face facts, will you, Danny?
33:44I'm a homosexual.
33:45It's the truth.
33:46I'm gay.
33:49Hand me those pants.
33:51Danny, don't make this
33:52difficult for me.
33:53I mean, what you're doing
33:54is saying that you can't
33:55accept me if I'm gay.
33:56You're not gay.
33:57I am.
33:58That's ridiculous.
33:59How can you be gay?
34:00I mean, we're brothers.
34:01And I'm not gay,
34:02so you're not gay.
34:03Anyway, you're too good in sports.
34:05Danny, that has nothing
34:06to do with this.
34:07You're not gay.
34:09Danny, have you ever
34:10seen me out with a girl?
34:11Hmm?
34:12Have you?
34:14You're not gay.
34:16You're shy.
34:17That's it, you're shy.
34:18Now, hand me those shirts.
34:19Danny...
34:20You are not gay.
34:21You are not gay.
34:22I don't want you to be gay,
34:23and you're not,
34:24so shut up and hand me
34:25those shirts.
34:31Why?
34:32I don't know why.
34:34I just am.
34:35Well, maybe you're not.
34:36I mean, how can you be sure?
34:38I'm in love with
34:39Dennis Phillips, the quarterback.
34:41Is that it?
34:43Is that the proof?
34:44For God's sakes, Jody,
34:46I'm crazy about Joe Namath.
34:48I idolize Mean Joe Green.
34:50I'd give anything to...
34:51We're lovers, Danny.
34:53Dennis Phillips is gay?
34:59Boy, this is a lot for one day.
35:03Danny, what's the big deal, huh?
35:05I mean, now that you know,
35:06am I any different?
35:07We're not friends anymore?
35:09You don't look gay.
35:11I'm still me.
35:13Hey, I'm still the Jody
35:14who plays tennis with you.
35:15I'm still the Jody
35:16who bowls with you.
35:17I'm still the Jody
35:18who laughs with you,
35:19and I'm still the Jody
35:20who counts on you.
35:23You're probably not gay.
35:24I am!
35:25And it shouldn't make
35:26any difference.
35:27And if it does,
35:28and you don't love me now
35:29because of it,
35:30then you've never
35:31loved me at all.
35:34Jody...
35:36Look, all these years, I...
35:38I didn't want to hear it.
35:41I didn't want to listen to you.
35:43I was afraid
35:44if I ever heard it, I...
35:46I couldn't look at you again.
35:53Well, can you?
35:55Yeah.
35:58Friends?
36:00Are you kidding?
36:02No, we're still friends.
36:05Not only are you gay,
36:06you're a jerk.
36:10Thanks, big brother.
36:12You're okay, little brother.
36:15I'm not okay.
36:16I'm not okay.
36:17I'm not okay.
36:18I'm not okay.
36:19I'm not okay.
36:20I'm not okay.
36:21I'm not okay.
36:22You're okay, little brother.
36:27Hey, you know,
36:28now that I look,
36:30you do walk kind of funny.
36:44Come on, Mary.
36:45Come on, darling.
36:46Just sit down there, Chuck.
36:48What is it, Bert?
36:50Well,
36:51now I asked you all down here
36:53because Danny has some really great news
36:55and he told me first.
36:56Isn't that something?
37:00He piped down.
37:01I really needed to be dragged down here
37:03in the middle of the night.
37:04What's the news, Bert?
37:06Well, now, uh,
37:07now we all know
37:08that Danny's been involved
37:09in some very dangerous activity
37:11with some very dangerous people,
37:12but he's getting out of all that.
37:14Danny.
37:15Not that what he's getting into
37:16isn't dangerous,
37:17but the people he's getting into it with aren't.
37:19it with aren't. Nice people, nice bunch of people. So what we're getting rid of here is a rotten bunch
37:24of people and keeping a little of the danger. And after all, what isn't a little dangerous? I mean
37:28crossing the street's a little dangerous, eating eggs is a little dangerous.
37:31Exactly. What sort of dangerous work does this nice bunch of people do?
37:37Spying, Ma.
37:38What?
37:39Spy. I'm gonna be a spy.
37:46A spy?
37:48Right.
37:49Quiet.
37:56What are you crazy? Who becomes a spy? What kind of a job is spying?
38:01Well, you see, I was selected.
38:03Selected?
38:04Yeah, I was selected by, uh, by, uh, by, uh...
38:09Computer, Mom. The government's doing all these things by computer these days.
38:14Right. See?
38:16Very nice. You'll run around in a trench coat getting shot at. I love it.
38:20Mom.
38:20And Mrs. Baum down the street thought she had a good one when her daughter became a hooker.
38:24Nothing.
38:26Please, try and understand. I don't want to leave you like this, but I gotta go.
38:33You're leaving now?
38:34Mary, there's just so much spying you can do in a living room.
38:39When will I see you again? Do you spy weekends? When will you ever come home?
38:43I'll come home whenever I can. I have to be in disguise, though.
38:47In disguise.
38:49Right.
38:50Wonderful. I'll be the only mother who gets visits from her son and doesn't know it.
38:55David.
38:59Love you, brother.
39:00Bye, little brother.
39:06Take care of yourself.
39:08Bye, Bert.
39:12Bye, Chuck.
39:13Bye, Danny.
39:15Bye, Bob.
39:17Be nice.
39:18Bye, Dan. Can I have your room?
39:23Ma.
39:23I can't.
39:24Ma, please.
39:25I'm not ready for this. Honey, it was only yesterday I was changing your diapers.
39:30I swear. Yesterday I fed you strained beets for the first time and you spit them out at me.
39:37Now you're leaving and I don't know where you're going or what will happen to you.
39:41Yesterday you were spitting up, today you're spying.
39:46It's hard to make the adjustment.
39:48I'll come home, Ma. I promise. As often as I can.
39:51You take care of yourself.
39:52I will.
39:53You remember to eat.
39:56Listen to this. I'm telling a spy to eat regular meals.
40:01I'll eat, Ma. I promise.
40:06Goodbye.
40:10Wait.
40:15I love you.
40:17You're still my baby.
40:22No matter how old you are, you're still my little boy.
40:27When you're 80 years old and putting your teeth in a glass, you'll still be my little boy.
40:32I know.
40:35I guess I have to say goodbye now.
40:41Could I say goodnight instead? It's easier.
40:45Goodnight, Ma.
40:48Goodnight, Danny.
41:03Goodbye.
41:10No, sir. No, siree.
41:14I have served food to people who don't eat it.
41:16I have served food to people who throw it.
41:19But no way am I going to serve food to a dummy.
41:23But Benson, he's a guest.
41:26Forget it.
41:27Jessica, Benson has been with us for I don't know how many years.
41:32And I have never agreed with him.
41:35Now, though it pains me to say this, he's absolutely right.
41:38I, for one, am going out to dinner.
41:40I'll join you.
41:41All right, Benson.
41:45I feel like chinks.
41:46You want to eat chinks?
41:50Chinese food would be fine, Benson.
41:53I know just the place.
41:54Billy, would you like to come to the chinks with Benson and me?
41:59Are you kidding?
42:00You missed this?
42:00Yeah, a dinner party for a dummy.
42:03Really, Jessica?
42:04Well, Chester, I...
42:07It's all right, Benson.
42:08I'll get it.
42:10Hello.
42:12Hello.
42:12Come in, come in.
42:14Well, my goodness, where are Chuck and Bob?
42:17Tell them, Bert.
42:18What?
42:19They're coming?
42:20Didn't they come with you?
42:22Yeah, well, sure, of course, kind of.
42:23Tell them what happened, Bert.
42:25It's no big deal.
42:26They had a little fight.
42:30And made us stop the car so they could continue in private.
42:34Your son and his dummy are fighting?
42:37Yeah.
42:40Tell them what they were fighting about, Bert.
42:43Come on.
42:44No, tell them, Bert.
42:48Billing.
42:49What?
42:50Billing, you know, I mean, the act is called Chuck and Bob.
42:53And Bob feels that since he's the main attraction, his name should come first.
42:57I don't believe this.
43:00Well, I don't know, I can see his point.
43:03I'm sure.
43:05Hello, everyone.
43:07Please accept my apologies, though.
43:08We had to settle a little something outside.
43:10Oh, that's all right.
43:12I'm just so glad you could come.
43:14Now, come right in here and meet everyone.
43:16You'll have to get my partner.
43:17He's not talking.
43:19Cute, isn't it?
43:20Did I exaggerate?
43:22Chester, come here, dear.
43:23Come here, Chester.
43:24This is my husband.
43:26Chester, this is Chuck and this is Bob.
43:29That's him?
43:30You gotta be kidding.
43:31That guy's 80thies a day.
43:36I hope he's got plenty of money, because that's probably all you're getting from him.
43:43Jessica.
43:48Well, uh, let's all have a drink.
43:50Come on, now.
43:50Let's go to the bar and have a drink.
43:52Come on.
43:53You better open your mouth and say something, Cretan, or I'm leaving.
43:57Okay, all right, all right.
43:58It stays Chuck and Bob.
44:00Chuck and Bob.
44:01You happy now, Cretan, huh?
44:03Let's get over to the damn bar.
44:04I'm gonna need a drink to get through this evening.
44:09Excuse me, Granddad.
44:14Uh, scotch and soda neat.
44:20Hey, Sandal, the noon whistle did not blow.
44:22I said scotch.
44:28One more word and he goes into the fireplace.
44:33I'll get it, Benson.
44:35Yes?
44:36Telegram for Mary Campbell.
44:38Oh, I'll take it.
44:39I've got to hand-deliver this.
44:41Mary, come in.
44:49Oh!
44:51Hey, hey, hey, fella, hey.
44:53Back off, easy, gorgeous.
44:54It's Danny, it's Danny.
44:56Danny!
44:57In disguise.
44:58I just wanted to say hello.
45:00I'm afraid I can't stay.
45:01Is this one of your spying disguises?
45:03Yes, Aunt Jessica.
45:05Oh, Danny, it's wonderful.
45:06Nobody in the world would recognize you.
45:09Well, I gotta go now.
45:11I'll come again soon, all right?
45:13Goodbye, everyone.
45:14Bye-bye.
45:15Get on, everyone!
45:25Well, Jessica,
45:28the Campbells come over for a little Tuesday night shootout.
45:31Oh!
45:33This is the last night they come to dinner.
45:36Shh, Chester.
45:37I've been hit.
45:39I've been hit!
45:41Oh, my God!
45:42It means somebody's been hit!
45:44Chester, do something, quick!
45:46Call an ambulance, Chester!
45:51Dad, you're calling an ambulance for a dummy?
45:55It's a dummy, Dad.
46:02You'll get the Purple Heart, soldier.
46:08My God, they're trying to kill Danny.
46:10It's okay, Mom.
46:11He got away.
46:11Mary, don't worry.
46:12He's fine, darling.
46:13Don't die.
46:14I'll do anything.
46:15I'll...
46:17I'll make it Bob and Chuck.
46:20Bob and Chuck?
46:23Yes.
46:24Yeah, it's got a nice ring to it.
46:26Okay, what are we all standing around here
46:28with our thumbs out their noses, huh?
46:29We're gonna eat or not.
46:31But your wound?
46:32Just a neck.
46:33A little plastic wound.
46:34I'll be okay.
46:36Oh, I'm so glad you're all right.
46:39Jessica, he's a doll.
46:42I knew you'd like him, Chester.
46:46Come on, everybody.
46:47Let's go to dinner.
46:49Come on, honey.
46:51All's well that ends well.
46:58I don't know how much more of this I can take.
47:01I know we all have our crosses to bear.
47:06This is ridiculous.
47:32from the mob live to see it.
47:34These questions and many others
47:36will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.