Soap Season 2 Episode 6
Soap Season 2 Episode 6
Transcript
00:00In last week's episode of Soap, the doctor told Jessica Chester has a brain tumor and
00:06that's what caused him to kill Peter.
00:08Jessica told the doctor to operate in order to save Chester's life, although she was told
00:12he could come out of the operation with the personality of a pineapple.
00:16Mrs. Flatsky told Tim she was dying because he left the priesthood and married Corinne.
00:21Tim told her to knock it off, which she did by dropping dead.
00:24And although Bert didn't want her to, Mary started college, something she's always wanted.
00:29Jody wants to change Elaine and his plan is not to let her eat, sleep, or dress.
00:33Elaine hasn't changed, she just wants to live.
00:36Eunice wants to be with Dutch, but since he's wanted by the police, he can't be with her
00:40even though he wants to.
00:41And Jody told Carol he wants to marry her, only Carol isn't sure that's what she wants.
00:46Confused?
00:47You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:53This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
01:00These are the Tates.
01:02And these are the Campbells.
01:06And this is Soap.
01:11Hello, darling.
01:21Hi, Mom.
01:34This is for Tim.
01:36Where is he?
01:37I don't know.
01:38Well, this is a welcome to our family present for Tim.
01:43Oh, Corinne, they have the loveliest things in the hospital gift shop.
01:48I bought one in red for Daddy.
01:51Of course, being unconscious, he couldn't get too excited about it.
01:55Mom, I think Tim's left me.
01:58I've only been married six days and already he's left me.
02:01Oh, Corinne.
02:03No, darling, he hasn't left you.
02:05He's ten hours late.
02:07Traffic.
02:10Ma, he's been very depressed since his mother's death,
02:13plus he's not too thrilled about moving in here.
02:15Neither am I.
02:17Oh, boy.
02:21Boy.
02:23You, Simpson.
02:28These boots have been sitting outside my door for a week now.
02:32I'd like them shined.
02:33Yes, sir.
02:40Maybe that's him.
02:41Yes.
02:43Tim, where have you been?
02:45I've been worried.
02:46What happened?
02:47Corinne, I spent the last ten hours thinking,
02:49and I've come to the realization that I'm cursed.
02:51Wherever I am, I bring death or destruction.
02:53I can't live here.
02:54Good.
02:57Tim, you are not cursed.
02:59You're a part of this family now.
03:03You can stay here just as long as you want to.
03:06You know, Tim, let me tell you something.
03:09When Mr. Tate and I first got married,
03:11well, we moved in with my parents,
03:13and look, we're still here.
03:15Now, I don't want to hear any more nonsense.
03:17You are staying.
03:19Thank you.
03:20I guess it's silly of me to think that my mere presence
03:22could cause something bad to happen.
03:30Well, if you ain't the kiss of death, you come off legal.
03:40Thanks for the ride.
03:41My pleasure.
03:42So much nicer than taking the train.
03:43Well, it's so much nicer than driving alone.
03:45Listen, could I possibly get you to offer me a cup of coffee?
03:48A cup of coffee?
03:51Tea?
03:52Root beer?
03:54Glass of water?
03:55Kale pectate?
03:58Anything. I'm easy.
04:00Coffee. Of course, coffee.
04:02Come in. I'll make some coffee.
04:05Uh, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
04:07Thank you.
04:08Ah, it's a nice homey place you have here.
04:10Well, it's home.
04:12I suppose that's what gives it that homey quality.
04:15Probably.
04:22Oh, coffee.
04:25I wanted some coffee.
04:27Listen, are you all right?
04:28Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
04:30I guess I'm just a little nervous.
04:32I've never had a professor in my home before.
04:34I've never had a professor before.
04:38You ought to try it.
04:41I'll make the coffee.
04:44Ridiculous.
04:45Well, Bob, I am sorry, but she's put her foot down.
04:47I mean, this time she wants you to spend some time with me alone.
04:50Well, what's the matter with this girl, Cindy?
04:51Is this your three-dollar cereal with no clothes on and throw up?
04:53No, Bob, it's not.
04:55Hey, who are you?
04:57Uh, the coffee will be ready in a minute.
04:59Hey, there, who is this guy?
05:00Chuck, why don't you go on upstairs?
05:02Oh, getting a little on the side, huh?
05:06Bob.
05:08Well, there's nothing wrong with a nooner, Bob.
05:12Incredible act they have there.
05:14I'm afraid that's not an act.
05:17Is he home yet?
05:19No.
05:20Oh, thank God.
05:21I hope I have time for a nap.
05:22He never lets me sleep.
05:24But first, I've got to have some food.
05:26He hasn't let me eat in days on a faint from hunger.
05:29I just pray he likes this dress.
05:31He's destroyed all my clothes.
05:38My daughter-in-law.
05:40Happy girl.
05:43So, uh, do you like teaching?
05:48More now than before.
05:49I'll see if the coffee's ready.
05:52Hi.
05:53Hi.
05:55Hi.
05:56Hi.
05:57Uh, this is Anatole Martins, my English professor.
05:59This is my husband, Bert.
06:01And this is my son, Danny.
06:02How are you?
06:04I can't tell you how good even this crap tastes.
06:07Oh, Elaine, what are you doing?
06:09Where did this come from?
06:11An address.
06:12Oh, no.
06:19She'll never learn.
06:20Nice meeting you.
06:26I think maybe I better go.
06:28Mary, see you in class, yes?
06:29Yes, yes, of course.
06:31Nice meeting you.
06:32Good night.
06:35Did Mother Boy leave?
06:37What's he talking about?
06:38Her teacher.
06:39Boy, does he have eyes for her.
06:41Boy, I'll never know that he does.
06:43Don't listen to them.
06:44They're crazy.
06:45Listen, I'd watch it if I were you, Elaine.
06:47Face it.
06:48This guy's got everything that you don't.
06:49Looks, class, smarts.
06:51See you, loser.
06:57It's happening.
06:58Just like I said.
06:59What?
07:00You're in school a week.
07:01The teacher's in the house.
07:02I hate to think where he'll be by mid-semester.
07:06Bert.
07:07The man gave me a ride so I wouldn't have to take the train.
07:10Mary, please.
07:11The old train ride ploy.
07:12Mary, I know all about this stuff.
07:13I'm an expert.
07:14I got a word with Frank.
07:15His wife went back to school.
07:16Wonderful wife he had.
07:17Was known for her pot roast.
07:19Anyway, she takes a course in another.
07:21And what happens is the teacher assigns them
07:23Lady Chatterley's Lover to read.
07:27You don't get that?
07:28Lady Chatterley's Lover?
07:30Then he assigns another hot book, Ulysses.
07:33And then he assigns another hot book
07:34and one hot book after another
07:35until finally Frank's wife isn't cooking pot roasts anymore.
07:38Frank's wife is just cooking.
07:44And that was that.
07:45She up and left Frank for this pervert professor.
07:48Frank told me she stopped shaving her legs on a stranger in hell.
07:52So don't tell me about schools, Mary.
07:53Don't tell me about professors, Mary.
07:55Because I know all about it.
07:57Here.
07:58What?
07:59What's this?
08:00The class I'm taking is in poetry.
08:02And that's my first poem.
08:04To my husband?
08:08To my husband.
08:09I love him so that words merely diminish the feeling.
08:12I would not attempt to describe a rose.
08:17That's what I did in school.
08:23I'm sorry, Mary.
08:24I'm sorry, I really am.
08:27If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't get so crazy.
08:29Oh, Bert, I know.
08:30But listen, I am not leaving you.
08:32I love you.
08:33You've got to stop being afraid.
08:35I know.
08:36Forgive me.
08:37What do you think?
08:41Hey, Mary, now.
08:42I don't want you to feel bad.
08:44But your poem didn't rhyme.
08:52Well, the thing is, everyone in this family except you and me is completely bonkers.
08:56Now, what worries me is, is it hereditary?
08:58I mean, is this what I have to look forward to?
09:00Setting sail on the banana boat?
09:03First of all, it's not hereditary.
09:05And second of all, it's not even insanity.
09:07The people in this house are just a little unconventional.
09:10That's all.
09:11Unconventional?
09:12Our father's a murderer.
09:13Our sister marries a priest.
09:14Grandpa's fighting World War II.
09:15And Mother lives on Mars.
09:17I don't know what to do.
09:19Okay, Billy, let's talk.
09:20Sit down.
09:21Thanks.
09:23Uh, get up.
09:24What?
09:25And get out.
09:26But we were going to talk.
09:27And we did, and it was just lovely.
09:28And do come back sometime, and we'll continue.
09:29Wait a minute, Eunice, I have something to say.
09:30I'm not finished.
09:31I'm not finished.
09:32And I loved every minute of this charmed life that I've seen.
09:40Dad, I missed you.
09:43Where were you?
09:44Where are you going?
09:45What are you doing?
09:46I was going to make love to you.
09:47Now?
09:48Well, if I wait till after I leave,
09:49I don't think I'll enjoy it as much.
09:51Wait a minute.
09:52What happened to talking?
09:53Eunice, I'm a fugitive.
09:55I didn't just climb through that window
09:56from a day at the office.
09:58I only got a little time.
09:59I want to spend it being close to you.
10:01Oh, I'm sorry, Dutch.
10:03Eunice, I've got to...
10:04Hold it!
10:05Eunice, run!
10:06Don't kill him!
10:07Listen, you creep.
10:08I'm a green belt in karate.
10:09You should know that.
10:10We're lovers.
10:11My hands are legal weapons.
10:12What?
10:14We're in love.
10:18You and him?
10:20Put me down, please.
10:25A convicted killer.
10:26Well, why not?
10:29Why should you be any less crazy
10:30than anyone else in this house?
10:32And I'm next.
10:33I know it.
10:35I already have the first symptom.
10:37I'm talking to myself.
10:40I guess I'd better get going.
10:41Now?
10:42Yeah.
10:43Oh, Dutch, take me with you.
10:44It'll only take me a couple of minutes to pack.
10:46Forget it, Eunice.
10:47No, I'll be a big help.
10:48I can be a decoy.
10:49I can be a lookout.
10:50I kiss nice.
10:51Eunice, put the suitcases away.
10:53You're not going.
10:54This is no trip for you
10:55and your matching luggage.
10:58I gotta go by myself.
11:00Oh, Dutch, what's gonna happen to us?
11:03When will I see you again?
11:05I don't know.
11:07Oh, Dutch.
11:12So long, sweetheart.
11:14Be careful on that roof.
11:15It's so steep.
11:20Here.
11:22I put Scott behind the backboard.
11:29Yeah!
11:43Sorry I'm late.
11:44I'll have a draft, please.
11:46Where you been?
11:48I was with Carol.
11:49Are you sure you're gay?
11:52She had to go to the doctor
11:53and I thought I ought to go along.
11:56Thanks.
11:58Jody, isn't this togetherness thing
11:59getting a little out of hand?
12:00I mean, it would make sense
12:01if it was another guy.
12:02Wouldn't be all that crazy
12:03about the idea,
12:04but at least I'd understand.
12:08Dennis, this is a very
12:09confusing time for her.
12:10She just found out she's pregnant
12:12and I feel responsible.
12:13You feel responsible?
12:15What about the guy
12:16that got her pregnant?
12:17Where in the hell is he, huh?
12:23You're looking at me.
12:24You're kidding.
12:26I guess you want to know why.
12:28I'm still wondering how.
12:31It just happened.
12:33It was late one night,
12:34she was crying
12:35and she was real upset
12:36and I held her in my arms
12:37and, uh, it happened.
12:40It just happened?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Well, how does it work these days?
12:43Does she have to cry every time
12:44or can you just skip over that
12:45and go straight to the fun stuff?
12:47Dennis, please.
12:51Where does that leave us?
12:53I don't know.
12:54I'm waiting for her answer.
12:56I asked her to marry me.
12:57Marry you?
12:58I think it can work.
13:00Forget it.
13:01Hey, I tried it.
13:02It doesn't work.
13:03And even if you can make it work,
13:05I'll make sure you don't.
13:19It's not raining out.
13:20We're in for that matter now.
13:22This is the only thing
13:23I've got that Danny hasn't destroyed.
13:25I don't know how much longer
13:26I can take this.
13:27Why is he doing this to me?
13:29Doing what?
13:30Hurt.
13:31Come on.
13:32He won't let me sleep,
13:33he won't let me eat,
13:34he won't let me get dressed.
13:35Oh, that.
13:36Well then,
13:37you had to do something.
13:40Well,
13:41he can't leave you
13:42and he can't stand you.
13:47You asked.
13:51Am I that bad?
13:53The worst.
13:58You've got to stop.
13:59You cannot keep
14:00treating Elaine like that.
14:02But it's working.
14:03She's not nearly as nasty.
14:04Of course not.
14:05She's too tired and weak
14:06to be nasty.
14:08I'm changing her.
14:09Danny,
14:10you are not changing her.
14:11If you're doing anything,
14:12you're killing her.
14:13Well, what am I going to do?
14:14I can't spend the rest of my life
14:15with her the way she is.
14:19Why don't you try being nice?
14:21Nice?
14:22Are you kidding?
14:23With her, nice?
14:28Listen,
14:29I went with a guy once
14:30after your father died.
14:32A guy who for one reason or another
14:33I was really rotten to.
14:35I don't know why,
14:36I guess I was just going
14:37through a rotten phase.
14:38Anyhow,
14:39I was rotten to him
14:40and he was nice to me.
14:41So I got rottener
14:43and he was still nice.
14:44And then I got really rotten
14:45and he still stayed nice.
14:47I finally gave up being rotten
14:48because there was no one
14:49to appreciate it.
14:52Being rotten is only satisfying
14:53if it has an effect.
14:55So you think
14:56if I start being
14:57really, really nice,
14:58she'd stop being rotten?
15:00It's possible.
15:01It's worked before.
15:02It worked with me.
15:05Hmm.
15:07What about the guy?
15:09He's in the dining room.
15:10I married him.
15:14Why are you like that?
15:15I wasn't always like that.
15:16I used to be nice.
15:18Well, if you used to be nice,
15:19you know how to be nice.
15:20Why don't you just be nice?
15:22Because I'm scared.
15:24The people I was nice to
15:25turned out not to be so nice.
15:28We're nice.
15:30I thought they were nice, too.
15:34I guess there's no reason
15:35why you should, but
15:37I wish you'd trust us.
15:44Well, I guess we can eat now.
15:47Thank you.
15:48You're welcome.
16:16Psst, Benson.
16:18I think he's looking
16:19a little better, don't you?
16:21Better than what?
16:23Than before.
16:24He looked dead to me before.
16:25He looks dead now.
16:27Oh, Benson.
16:28He's not dead.
16:30Well, I didn't say he was dead.
16:31I said he looks dead.
16:34Chester,
16:35you just have to be all right.
16:37I mean, you just have to be.
16:39We can't go on without you.
16:41Hmm.
16:42Chester, you are the best husband,
16:43the best father,
16:44the best friend,
16:45the best person.
16:46You are the best, Chester.
16:48We need you.
16:51Darling, did you know
16:52that Benson's here?
16:54Benson,
16:55he's been sitting by your bed
16:56for hours,
16:57worried to death.
16:59Bored to death.
17:03Benson, he moved.
17:05He moved.
17:06Do you know what that means?
17:07Well, I guess that means
17:08he ain't dead.
17:09Chester?
17:11Yoo-hoo!
17:12Can you hear me, Chester?
17:14Yoo-hoo!
17:19How are you feeling, dear?
17:20Do you feel all right?
17:24Where am I?
17:25You're in the hospital, dear.
17:28Who are you?
17:29Chester.
17:31Look at that.
17:32Sick as a dog,
17:33and he still finds the strength
17:34to tease me.
17:35Orderly,
17:36who is this woman?
17:38I better get the doctor.
17:41Chester,
17:42are you feeling all right?
17:43Who is Chester?
17:45Oh, Chester,
17:46you're a Chester.
17:47I don't know
17:48what you're talking about.
17:49I don't know who you are,
17:50and I don't know
17:51what you're talking about.
17:52He's alive.
17:53I can't believe it.
17:54He is alive.
17:55Do you know what this means?
17:56Only he and the chimpanzee
17:57have ever survived this operation.
17:58Doctor,
17:59he doesn't even recognize us.
18:00He doesn't even know
18:01his own name.
18:02Give him a chance.
18:03Please, give him a chance.
18:04The man just got out of a coma.
18:06Mr. Tate,
18:07can you hear me?
18:09I'd like a fudgicle, please.
18:11Mom thinks I'm the good humor man.
18:15Common mistake.
18:16Mr. Tate,
18:17I want to ask you
18:18a few questions.
18:19Do you know
18:20what month this is?
18:22July.
18:23July!
18:27You got that one wrong, too.
18:29Mr. Tate,
18:30can you tell us
18:31who this gentleman
18:32is over here?
18:35That's Sidney Poitier.
18:37Sidney Poitier!
18:38I can't believe it!
18:41He's...
18:42Okay, okay, okay, okay.
18:43Mr. Tate.
18:45One last thing,
18:46Mr. Tate.
18:48Do you know
18:49who you are,
18:50Mr. Tate?
18:54Oh, my God.
18:56I'm Gunga Din.
19:00You are not Gunga Din.
19:03Then I'm Gloria Swanson.
19:08Doctor?
19:09Doctor, what are you doing?
19:11I am giving him
19:12something to make him sleep.
19:14I can't stand it.
19:15The man is behaving
19:16like an idiot.
19:17Gunga Din.
19:19Well, Mrs. Tate,
19:20the lesion was much bigger
19:21than we thought.
19:22And I might have removed
19:23a little more
19:24of the healthy tissue
19:25than I planned.
19:26I don't know.
19:27I don't remember seeing any,
19:28but these operations
19:29are generally so messy,
19:30it's hard to see
19:31what the hell
19:32you have on your knife.
19:33Doctor,
19:34do you mean to tell me
19:35he's going to be
19:36this way forever?
19:37I don't know, Mrs. Tate.
19:38Time will tell.
19:39In time,
19:40you will have your husband back,
19:41or I will have
19:42a hell of a lawsuit
19:43on my hands.
19:44Bye, Mrs. Tate.
19:45See you tomorrow.
19:46Just a minute.
19:47I have to talk.
19:50Chester?
19:52Chester?
19:56Gunga?
20:00Miss Swanson?
20:05Oh, Chester.
20:07No matter how you are,
20:09or who you are,
20:11I'll always,
20:12always love you.
20:21Is Tim really
20:22the kiss of death?
20:23Is Eunice ever going
20:24to see Dutch again?
20:25Is Elaine really changing?
20:27Is Mary going to have
20:28to worry about more
20:29than just grades
20:30with her professor?
20:31Is Jody going to wind up
20:32with Carol or Dennis?
20:33Is Chester going to continue
20:35to think of himself
20:36as Gunga Dan?
20:37And if so,
20:38will Jessica
20:39buy him an elephant?
20:40These questions
20:41and many others
20:42will be answered
20:43on next week's episode of
20:44Soap.
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21:12Soap is videotaped
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21:14Soap is videotaped
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21:18Soap is videotaped
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21:20Soap is videotaped
21:21before a studio audience.
21:22Soap is videotaped
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21:24Soap is videotaped
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21:26Soap is videotaped
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21:28Soap is videotaped
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21:30Soap is videotaped
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