SOAP 2023 Season 2 episodes 9-10
SOAP 2023 Season 2 episodes 9-10
Transcript
00:00In the last episode of Soap, Chester came home from the hospital still not knowing who
00:06he is.
00:07But the major convinced him he's a colonel.
00:09With two loonies to look after, Benson would love to put them in the old soldier's home.
00:14When Jessica came home, Corinne told her she's pregnant, but she's afraid to tell Tim because
00:18he might leave home.
00:20Jody told Dennis since he's marrying Carol, he no longer considers Dennis' apartment home.
00:25Mary's professor drove her home and tried to take advantage of her.
00:29And when Bert came home and saw them, he thought they were carrying on, so he left
00:33home, got drunk, and went to Sally's home.
00:36Whatever happened to home sweet home?
00:38Confused?
00:39You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:46This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:54These are the Tates.
00:57And these are the Campbells.
01:01And this is Soap.
01:42God, how could I do this to Mary?
01:59Mary, what Mary?
02:01Mary did it first, only doing what she did.
02:04Oh, my God, what have I done?
02:07I, nothing, maybe nothing, maybe nothing, and I, I remember, I, maybe I shouldn't have
02:12done it.
02:13Maybe I didn't do it.
02:14Morning, King Kong.
02:15I did.
02:16Sleep well?
02:17I don't know.
02:18You don't know?
02:19I think so, yeah, probably.
02:20I certainly slept well.
02:21Oh, good, I'm glad.
02:22Sleep is good.
02:23It was the best, Bert.
02:24It was the best ever.
02:25Sleep was wonderful, that's true.
02:26I'm not talking about sleep.
02:27Sleep was wonderful.
02:28I'm not talking about sleep.
02:29I'm not talking about sleep.
02:30I'm not talking about sleep.
02:31I'm not talking about sleep.
02:32I'm not talking about sleep.
02:33I'm not talking about sleep.
02:34I'm not talking about sleep.
02:35I'm not talking about sleep.
02:36I'm not talking about sleep.
02:37I'm not talking about sleep.
02:38I'm not talking about sleep.
02:40I'm not talking about sleep.
02:43Are you sure I was here?
02:46Oh, Bert.
02:47I don't remember.
02:49You're kidding.
02:50No, I'm sorry.
02:52Oh, God, how could I do this?
02:55I feel so guilty.
02:56Oh, Bert, come on.
02:58There's no reason to feel guilty.
03:00Are you kidding?
03:01No reason?
03:02There's a very good reason.
03:03Oh, my head.
03:06Oh, you see that?
03:08I'm so guilty.
03:09I got a splitting headache.
03:10It's a hangover.
03:12Anyway, why should you feel guilty?
03:14You haven't done anything your wife didn't do.
03:16If anything, you should be angry.
03:18That's right.
03:19I should be angry.
03:20Not guilty.
03:21Angry, and I am.
03:22I'm really angry.
03:23I'm good and angry.
03:24But I'm guilty.
03:25I'm also guilty, and I'm angry.
03:26You're more angry than guilty.
03:27I'm confused.
03:28That's what I am.
03:29I'm confused.
03:30I got to get this morning.
03:31I got to get out of here.
03:32What am I going to tell Mary?
03:33Make something up.
03:34I was kidnapped.
03:35I'll tell her I was kidnapped.
03:36She'll never believe that.
03:38I'll make up something on the way home in the car.
03:40It'll be good.
03:41I hope so, because it isn't going to be easy
03:43to explain the outfit.
03:45Have a nice day.
03:52Benson, could you pour me some more coffee, please?
03:54Tim, that's your 11th cup.
03:56I need my wits about me today.
03:58There's not that much coffee in the world.
04:04Tim, would you just relax?
04:06Relax?
04:07How can I relax?
04:08My first day of work since I left the priesthood.
04:10What am I qualified to do?
04:12Bless?
04:15Bert and Danny gave me this job
04:16because they felt sorry for me.
04:18Oh, Tim, that's not true.
04:20All my life, I wanted to do something
04:22for the betterment of society.
04:24And what could I possibly do way up there on a girder
04:26that could make a positive contribution to mankind?
04:28Slip.
04:30Good morning, everyone.
04:32Good morning, Mother.
04:33How's Daddy doing this morning?
04:35Oh, Eunice, he is 100% better than last night.
04:39Really?
04:40Yes.
04:41He called me by my right name.
04:43Oh, that's wonderful.
04:44Yes.
04:45He said, good morning, Jessica.
04:47Me too.
04:48He saw me in the hall, waved, and said,
04:50good morning, Jessica.
04:55Oh, Simpson.
04:57Oh, Simpson.
04:58Get me General Eisenhower on the phone.
05:03Imagine Colonel Tate trying to wrangle a discharge
05:07by pretending to be Marlene Dietrich.
05:10Marlene in love again.
05:14Never want to see her.
05:16What am I to do?
05:18I can't help it.
05:20Traitor.
05:21Traitor?
05:22You call Marlene Dietrich a traitor?
05:24You call Marlene Dietrich a traitor
05:26after all the time I've given to the troops?
05:31Guten Morgen.
05:37Was ist los?
05:45This is another one of those times
05:47when nobody says anything until I'm out of the room.
05:49It's OK.
05:50I'll go.
05:51I'll find someone to talk to.
05:53Maybe after school I'll get married and buy a condominium.
05:55Then my wife and I can invite you over for dinner.
05:58And we can leave so you can talk.
06:01Goodbye, Jessica.
06:05Daddy, why are you acting like Marlene Dietrich?
06:09Who should I act like, Eleanor Roosevelt?
06:12But who told you you were Marlene Dietrich?
06:24Well, it's a hell of a lot safer
06:26than blowing up the damn neighborhood.
06:30Well, that's true.
06:32Isn't anyone going to ask her to sing?
06:35I don't think so, dear.
06:37Miss Dietrich, why don't I take you upstairs
06:40and you can relax?
06:42Marlene in love again.
06:45Never want to see her.
06:47Oh, come on, Tim.
06:49I'll drive you to work, OK?
06:51Good luck, dear.
06:52Thanks.
06:58You OK?
07:00Oh, Benson, I just don't think I can do it.
07:03I just don't think I can go on acting cheerful.
07:06Well, then stop.
07:08If I stop acting cheerful, I'll cry.
07:11Then cry.
07:12Oh, I can't.
07:14Why not?
07:15In front of you?
07:16Well, I'll leave the room.
07:18Cry alone?
07:20Well, I'll stay here and cover my eyes.
07:23I haven't cried in a long time.
07:26Well, you sure deserve a good one.
07:28OK.
07:30I'm going to do it.
07:31Good.
07:41I can't.
07:42Sure you can.
07:43No, I can't.
07:44You're trying too hard.
07:45No, that's not it.
07:47What is it, then?
07:48What is it, then?
07:49I don't have to anymore.
07:51Why not?
07:52You cheered me up.
07:55Good.
07:56Thank you, Benson.
07:57Anytime.
08:05Good morning.
08:06Want some more coffee?
08:08This is my 25th cup.
08:11I haven't blinked since midnight.
08:14What's the matter?
08:15Bert didn't come home.
08:18He's dead.
08:19I know it.
08:22Come on, Ma.
08:23He's not dead.
08:24I'm sure there's some logical explanation.
08:27Sure.
08:28Like death.
08:31He's lying dead in an alley someplace.
08:33Some maniac probably killed him for a chiclet.
08:39He probably just fell asleep at the office.
08:42I called the office all night.
08:44He's not at the office.
08:46He's dead.
08:47He's not dead.
08:49I called the police at 4 o'clock this morning.
08:51Did you know that a person isn't a missing person for 72 hours?
08:56He's dead.
08:58Well, why didn't you wake me up?
09:00I didn't want to disturb you.
09:01Disturb me?
09:02Bert's dead, and you don't want to disturb me?
09:04He's not dead.
09:05How dare you say something like that?
09:08Oh, Bert.
09:10Where have you been?
09:12Are you all right?
09:14What happened?
09:16You didn't hear?
09:20No.
09:21What?
09:23About the airplane?
09:26No.
09:27It wasn't on the news.
09:29I didn't watch the news.
09:32What happened?
09:33Last night, I'm driving home, right?
09:34You know, along that highway?
09:36All of a sudden, out of nowhere...
09:40A plane lands right there in the middle of the highway.
09:44Nobody could move.
09:45I mean, the thing took up the whole road.
09:52I mean, two Hondas, a Datsun, and a Subaru got through.
09:55They drove under the wind.
10:00I thought for sure you would see me on television.
10:02I mean, there was a television crew there, and I waved.
10:07You mean you had to stay there all night?
10:10Well, they asked for volunteers...
10:13to help take the wings off the plane so the traffic could get through.
10:17Let me tell you, that's not an easy job.
10:19They really put those wings on pretty tight.
10:25Well, as long as you're alive, I'm going to go to work.
10:29If you'd been dead, I was going to knock off a half a day out of respect.
10:32Oh, thanks.
10:34Goodbye, Ma.
10:35Get some sleep.
10:37Ahem.
10:39Well, I hope you weren't too worried.
10:42I'm so glad you're home.
10:46Now, what do you want for breakfast?
10:48Oh, anything. I don't care. Anything.
10:50A couple of eggs over easy, Canadian bacon crisps,
10:52sourdough toast, a little tangerine juice, anything.
10:58So, uh, what's new?
11:01Nothing much.
11:02No?
11:03No.
11:05What'd you do yesterday?
11:07Nothing much.
11:08No?
11:09No.
11:11I thought you went to school.
11:13Oh, that's right, I did. I forgot.
11:16You forgot?
11:17How do you figure school?
11:19Well, I've been up all night. My brain is like these eggs.
11:22So, how is school?
11:25It's okay, I guess.
11:27How's your professor?
11:30My professor?
11:31Yeah, the good-looking professor.
11:34He's all right, I guess.
11:35Yeah, that's a good-looking, charming professor.
11:38What?
11:39Nothing.
11:42Oh.
11:44Mary, is there anything, uh, you want to say to me?
11:48No.
11:49You sure?
11:51Well...
11:54Yeah.
11:56You mean there's nothing you think that we ought to discuss?
11:59No.
12:01Is there anything you want to discuss?
12:07Yeah.
12:09What?
12:20I don't want any eggs, nothing, no breakfast, nothing. I ate on the plane.
12:31Are they serious?
12:33What?
12:36You know what they have in here?
12:38Queen Bee Hormones.
12:40Now, how the hell do you suppose they go about getting that?
12:43Carefully.
12:48Mine's made from cow placenta.
12:53You peel it off, you eat it.
12:55You eat it.
12:57You peel it off, you fall in love with a heifer.
13:01Don't make me laugh, my face will crack.
13:08Listen, did you hear about an airplane landing on the highway last night?
13:14No, what happened?
13:16Oh, I don't know.
13:19Maybe if I'd done this 10 years ago, I'd have cheekbones by now.
13:27I always wanted to do this, you know?
13:30To have, like a mother, and we do this sort of thing.
13:36My mother died when I was six, so we never got around to face masks.
13:40Well, I never had a daughter.
13:42And the boys never wanted to do this.
13:46Well, Jodi, once.
13:50It's, uh, it's like having a mother.
13:56It's like having a daughter.
13:58I'm just sorry it took so long to happen.
14:00Oh, I'm so glad it did.
14:08Bert. Bert, look at this.
14:11All this space here on top of this building?
14:14Yeah, that's where we put the heating unit.
14:16Most of this is wasted space.
14:18So?
14:20So, you put on a coat of paint, you hang a few lamps, and bang! Instant office space.
14:25Office space? Office space?
14:28That office space is only four feet high.
14:33I'm way ahead of you, Bert.
14:36Midgets.
14:41Midgets?
14:43Yeah. Yeah, we rent it out to midgets.
14:46Midgets?
14:48Bert, I'm telling you, it's a great idea.
14:55Hi.
15:03Hi.
15:06How's everything?
15:08Perfect.
15:10Great.
15:12No problems? Everything's okay?
15:14Couldn't be better. Couldn't be better.
15:18Is that cement?
15:20Oh, yeah, Bert, it's cement.
15:21Oh, well, as long as everything's okay.
15:24Fine.
15:26Tim, is that blood?
15:28Where?
15:30On your nose?
15:32Oh, yeah, it's blood. A little blood on my nose.
15:34Okay.
15:36Great. A little cement, a little blood on my nose. Fine.
15:39How did you get the blood on your nose?
15:42From falling. I think from falling.
15:44You fell?
15:46In the cement.
15:48How did you fall?
15:49When the guy yelled help.
15:51When what guy yelled help?
15:53The guy who fell first.
15:56How did he fall?
15:58He slipped.
16:00How did he slip, Tim?
16:02When the baloney dropped out of my lunch pail.
16:04You reached out to grab him? Then you fell?
16:07Did you see it happen?
16:09No, I've been in this business a long time, Tim.
16:12Then I tripped.
16:14On the baloney?
16:16You guys are uncanny.
16:17What happened to the other guy, the guy who fell?
16:20Oh, he's okay. He landed in the big sand thing.
16:22Truck?
16:24Right, the truck. He broke his thermos.
16:27I'll bet.
16:30Well, I've taken enough of your time.
16:33It's all right. You just drop by anytime you like, Tim.
16:36Actually, I came by to quit.
16:38I wrote my resignation on the baloney wrapper.
16:44Yeah, well, everything seems to be in order.
16:48You forgot the date.
16:50No, there it is. It's right there.
16:52See, that's the date the baloney expired.
16:56I'll see you.
16:58Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What are you doing?
17:00Why are you quitting? Come on, look.
17:02Aren't you happy here?
17:04I'm a jinx.
17:06Tim, you're not a jinx.
17:08Bert, I almost killed somebody today.
17:10I already have my mother's blood on my hands.
17:12I think you're both terrific,
17:14and I'll never forget what you've done for me.
17:15It's solved. It's better if I go.
17:18Goodbye.
17:20So long.
17:22Hey, thanks.
17:27I don't know, man. I don't know.
17:29Maybe it's for the best.
17:31I don't think he was cut out for this kind of work.
17:33Yeah, I guess so.
17:35But, Bert, about my idea for the office space for the midgets.
17:37Midgets? Will you stop with the midgets?
17:39Midgets get office space for free, Danny.
17:41They do?
17:43Of course. What, you never heard of
17:45the office space for the midgets?
17:47Yeah, I heard about it.
17:49How about you, Bert?
17:51I'm going to have to go.
17:53You're going to have to go?
17:55Yes, I am.
17:57I'm going to be here all week.
17:59Oh, Danny, Danny!
18:01You're going to be here all week?
18:03Yeah.
18:05I'm going to be here all week.
18:07You're going to be here all week?
18:09Oh, yeah, that's right.
18:11Oh, yeah.
18:13You're going to be here all week?
18:15I don't happen to hear about a plane that landed on the highway.
18:19No, no, I know.
18:20Okay, that's it. Party's over. Up and out. No more coffee.
18:26I got so many lovely presents. Thank you so much.
18:29Thank you very much. That's very nice. Good luck and goodbye.
18:34Benson, we are not finished yet. I want to make a toast.
18:38With what? You don't have anything in your hand.
18:41It doesn't work otherwise?
18:42No.
18:43It'll work, Mother.
18:46Okay, I want to make a toast to Jody and Carol.
18:51May they be as happy as we all are.
19:00Well, perhaps that wasn't the correct toast to make.
19:04It was a lovely toast, Jess.
19:06Mary, I don't know. I mean, look at all of us.
19:10I'm married to a man who doesn't remember.
19:14Eunice is in love with an escaped convict.
19:17Corinne is married to a depressed ex-priest.
19:22Carol is going to marry a homosexual.
19:28And Elaine is married to somebody who had to marry her or get killed.
19:34You're the only one, Mary, with a normal marriage.
19:38So, I think that the toast should be...
19:42May everyone end up with as beautiful a marriage as Mary's.
19:51Well, I guess that wasn't the correct toast to make, either.
19:57Eunice, please take everyone out in the kitchen and show them the refrigerator.
20:01Yes, yes. Come, come, girls. You'll see the refrigerator.
20:05Oh, good. You know, I've never seen your refrigerator.
20:07Oh, it's a terrific refrigerator. I love refrigerators.
20:11Oh, Mary, what is it?
20:19Bert is having an affair.
20:21Oh, no.
20:23Yes.
20:24Are you sure?
20:26He's been working later and later. And the other night, he stayed out all night.
20:31And he came home with this cockamamie story about a plane landing on the highway.
20:36And when he came home that morning, Jess, he had already showered.
20:43How do you know?
20:45His hair was damp.
20:47He smelled of soap.
20:49A woman's soap.
20:52Men are so dumb to shower.
20:55I mean, Chester used to come home after a long, hard day's work smelling better than when he left.
21:04How could he do it, Jess? How could he do that to me?
21:15Mary, you have to talk to him.
21:18Are you kidding?
21:20Oh, Mary, you have to.
21:21I mean, one affair doesn't mean the end of a marriage.
21:25I mean, if it did, Chester and I would have been finished on the honeymoon.
21:31On your honeymoon?
21:34Well, looking back, probably.
21:39Well, looking back, probably.
21:45Because I...
21:47I really can't think of any other reason for the chambermaid's underpanties to end up in my suitcase.
21:56Oh, Jess.
22:02It hurts, Mary. I know.
22:06I know.
22:08And you feel so ugly and clumsy and stupid.
22:15So self-conscious you don't even want to walk around in front of him.
22:19You don't even want to talk in front of him.
22:22And you're sure he hates you and everything's all over.
22:28But it isn't.
22:30It isn't, Mary.
22:34It feels like it is.
22:35It feels like it is.
22:37I know.
22:39I know.
22:42Isn't this nice?
22:46Nice?
22:48My husband is having an affair and you're calling it nice?
22:52But you know what is nice about it, Mary?
22:55I always come running to you for help.
22:59This is the first time I've ever been able to help you.
23:03Oh, Jess, you always help.
23:07Just by being you and being here, you always help.
23:13Okay, that's it. Tour's over. Refrigerator's closed. Let's move them out.
23:28Will Jodi's upcoming marriage to Carol work?
23:30How will things work out for Jessica now that Chester thinks he's Marlena Dietrich?
23:35How long will Tim's marriage to Corrine work now that he's out of work?
23:40Will Bert and Mary's marriage continue to work now that Bert thinks Mary's schoolwork wasn't really work?
23:45And since Bert's airplane story didn't work, will Mary find out what Bert was really working on with someone from work?
23:52These questions and many others will be answered in the next episode of Soap.
24:00In the last episode of Soap, Dutch and Eunice decided to run away together since it would be awful to be separated.
24:06Chester still has an awful lot of trouble knowing who he is.
24:10Elaine is no longer being awful and therefore Danny and Elaine's relationship is not only no longer awful, but is actually awful nice.
24:18And even though Bert thinks Mary cheated on him with her awful professor and feels awful, he feels more awful that he cheated on her.
24:25And the most awful thing about all of this is Mary didn't cheat with the awful professor.
24:30Awfully confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
24:39This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:47These are the Tates.
24:50And these are the Campbells.
24:52And this is Soap.
25:23Don't move or I'll shoot you.
25:26Don't shoot, Mrs. Tate. It's only me, Dutch.
25:29Oh, good, because I don't have a gun.
25:34But you're in the wrong room. Eunice's room is down the roof around the eaves, green organdy curtains.
25:40You can't be in the wrong room.
25:42You're in the wrong room.
25:44You're in the wrong room.
25:46You're in the wrong room.
25:47You're in the wrong room.
25:49Eunice's room is down the roof around the eaves, green organdy curtains. You can't miss it.
25:53I know. I came to see you.
25:55You see, Eunice and I are running away together and I wanted to get your blessing.
25:59I know.
26:01Eunice told me you're going to live in a farm. It's so romantic.
26:08Hello, dear.
26:10Hi. How you doing?
26:12What the hell are you doing in my wife's bedroom?
26:14I don't care. Get out, the both of you.
26:18My wife will drop dead if she sees you in her bed.
26:21Chester, I am your wife.
26:24Is everything okay?
26:26I'm almost ready.
26:28Who is she?
26:30That's Eunice.
26:32Does she belong to you?
26:34Yeah, kind of.
26:36Good. Then get her out of here.
26:38I'll just go get a few things.
26:40I may not remember anything, but one thing I am pretty sure of, bedrooms are not supposed to be this crowded.
26:47Mrs. Tate.
26:49I want you to know that I'll take really good care of Eunice.
26:52I know you're not too thrilled her running away with a killer, but...
26:55Oh, listen. I'm married to a killer.
27:01Still, I don't think that this is what you had in mind for your daughter.
27:05Well, I guess not.
27:07Dutch, tell me. Did you really kill a man?
27:12Yeah.
27:14Dead? You shot him dead?
27:17That's usually what happens in a successful killing.
27:20Of course.
27:22You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business.
27:26The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company.
27:30They gave me $5,000 at a very high rate of interest.
27:33In the first week, when I couldn't come up with a dough, they broke my fingers.
27:36Second week, they broke my nose and two ribs and my knee.
27:39Plus, the guy that was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough.
27:44The next week, they was going to break my head, but I convinced them not to.
27:48How?
27:50Well, I talked to him for a while, and then I shot him.
27:52Oh, well, I think that should be considered self-defense.
27:56It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the chief of police.
28:01I'm ready. Will you take my bags downstairs?
28:05Okay, you better hurry up. It's getting late.
28:07Okay. Daddy?
28:09Daddy?
28:11What?
28:13And I wanted to tell you how much I love you.
28:17Daddy, I've been a very lucky girl, and you have been a wonderful father.
28:24And I hate leaving you now. I wish there was something I could do to make things better for you,
28:28but I guess there isn't, so I guess all I can do is just let you know how much I love you.
28:34And get well, Daddy, okay? I love you. Goodbye.
28:40I want you to know that was a very touching speech,
28:44and I'd really be moved if I only knew who you were.
28:53Goodbye, Mommy.
28:55Goodbye, darling.
28:57All right.
28:58I know.
28:59Okay.
29:00Bye-bye.
29:03Our little girl.
29:06She's enormous for a little girl.
29:10Chester, what I mean is I still think of her as a little girl.
29:16Oh. She must have been a very sweet little girl.
29:21She was. Adorable.
29:25It's all lost to me. All of it.
29:30The past, my present, future, it's all gone.
29:35I try, I try so hard to remember, and I can't.
29:43I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away.
29:50You've all been so good to me.
29:54I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way that you do.
29:59Chester.
30:00It's agony to know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are.
30:10Sometimes I swear it's almost too much to bear.
30:15Oh, Chester, I just know it. Someday you'll remember.
30:20Remember what?
30:30Remember.
30:40Jody.
30:41Hiya, Ma.
30:42What are you doing here?
30:43I thought I'd come up and visit my favorite mother.
30:46How are you?
30:47I'm fine. How are you?
30:48I'm fine.
30:49Sure?
30:50Of course I'm sure.
30:51You're sure you're sure.
30:53Jody.
30:54You're not fine.
30:55Jody, what is this? I'm fine.
30:56Ma, I know what you sound like when you're fine and you have not sounded fine in days.
31:00I'm fine, Jody.
31:02I figure it's got to be one of four things.
31:05You pregnant?
31:06God forbid.
31:08You having an affair?
31:09No, please.
31:10Menopause?
31:11Not yet.
31:12Bert's having an affair?
31:13Breakfast?
31:23Are you sure?
31:25Pretty sure.
31:28Ma, you got to talk to him.
31:29Oh, I can't.
31:30Why not?
31:31I'm afraid.
31:32Of what?
31:33Of being right.
31:35Ma, it's better to know.
31:36No, it's not.
31:38I don't want to know he's sleeping with some young skinny thing.
31:42Maybe he's sleeping with some old fat thing.
31:45Yeah, at home.
31:48Jody, I can't compete.
31:51When I was 20, I could compete.
31:54Age has taught me to be philosophical.
31:57To accept.
31:59I can't do anything about it, and I accept it.
32:02There's nothing I can do except...
32:05hope.
32:07That whoever she is, wherever she is,
32:10someone will drive a knife right through her heart.
32:14Well, well, well.
32:16Look who's here.
32:17It isn't that bright today.
32:19Bob, why don't you go sit on a drill?
32:20Listen, Mary,
32:22none of Jody's here has moved out anyway.
32:24I see no reason why I can't have his room.
32:26Chuck, that's my sewing room.
32:28That's what I told him.
32:30Your sewing room?
32:32You made my room a sewing room?
32:34Well, what did you expect?
32:35Well, he's a shrine.
32:37Bob, why don't you go upstairs and watch your feet warp?
32:40Mary, Bob does not need his own room.
32:43Well, I'm certainly tired of living with you.
32:45You got disgusting personal habits.
32:47You know what he does?
32:48He sits on the floor...
32:54Mary, think about the room, okay?
32:56Good morning, everyone.
32:58Hey, Jessica.
33:00Listen, when I get my own room,
33:02maybe you and, uh,
33:04your two friends will come and see me.
33:08Jess, how are you?
33:10What are you doing here?
33:12Well, I've been out looking for Chester.
33:14He's been missing since yesterday.
33:16Why didn't you call me? You must be frantic.
33:18No, not really.
33:20You see, the other day,
33:22Chester said he needed his net stockings.
33:24He thinks he's Marlena Dietrich.
33:26And net stockings in his size
33:28may be very hard to find, Mary.
33:30He could be gone for days.
33:33I know a place where he...
33:38Coffee, Jess?
33:40Yes, please.
33:42Well, Jody,
33:44so you're going to get married, huh?
33:46Yeah, it, uh, looks that way.
33:48Very nice.
33:50I guess that means you're not gay.
33:52No, Aunt Jessica, it doesn't.
33:54Hmm.
33:56You know, Jody, when we were younger,
33:58there was no such thing as homosexuals.
34:00Yes, there were, Aunt Jessica.
34:02The homosexuals go way back in history.
34:04Who?
34:06Alexander the Great was gay.
34:08Plato was gay.
34:10Plato?
34:13Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?
34:18Yes.
34:34Aunt Jessica, would you be very offended
34:36if I didn't continue this conversation?
34:38Oh, no.
34:40Oh, Mary.
34:42Yes, what, Jess?
34:44Did you ask Eric about his affair?
34:45What?
34:48Did you ask Bert about his affair?
34:51No.
34:53Listen, I know you two mean to be helpful,
34:55but it's my marriage,
34:57and I have to handle this my own way.
34:59You're right, Mary.
35:01You're absolutely right.
35:03Mickey Mouse had a gay dog?
35:08You didn't know?
35:12First I heard of him.
35:13First I heard of it.
35:17Goofy was his lover.
35:33And so, uh, Sally,
35:36I've been doing a lot of thinking,
35:38and, uh,
35:40well, what I'm trying to say is
35:41Sally,
35:43you're a terrific girl,
35:45but it's over.
35:53You and me.
35:55Us.
35:57Over.
35:59Sorry.
36:04I can't do it, Sal.
36:06It's making me a nervous wreck.
36:08Look at me.
36:09I'm wearing two different shoes this morning.
36:15Sally,
36:17you'll get over this really very soon.
36:19You'll see, really.
36:21I mean, after all,
36:23we were together only one night,
36:25and I can't even remember the night.
36:27Of course, it's different with you.
36:29You were more involved.
36:31You were conscious.
36:33Still, I mean,
36:35what we're talking about here is, uh,
36:37maybe a 25-minute involvement.
36:39Sally, talk to me, please.
36:41Make this a little easier here.
36:43Say something.
36:46You told me you loved me.
36:48Say something else.
36:52You said we'd go away.
36:54What?
36:56To Aruba.
36:58Aruba? Never heard of it.
37:00Sounds like a rash.
37:02You promised.
37:04Maybe you got me confused with somebody else.
37:06You know, I bet right now
37:07you're at Aruba Airlines wondering
37:09where the hell you are.
37:11You made plans.
37:13And now you tell me it's over after all that?
37:16If all I was to you, Bert,
37:18was a one-night stand,
37:20you never had to say all those things that you said.
37:23Sally, uh, are you crying?
37:25I guess, I guess you're right.
37:28Sally, please, don't cry.
37:32I feel so awful.
37:34I feel so cheap
37:35and dirty and awful.
37:38I wish I were dead.
37:44Oh, not dead.
37:46That's a terrible thing to wish dead.
37:48Sally, don't be silly, Sally.
37:50I do. I wish I were dead.
37:52No, no, okay, all right, please.
37:54Take it easy, Sally. Come, sit down.
37:56Sally, it's okay. It's all right.
37:58It's all right. Breathe in.
38:00Something easy.
38:02How about a cup of coffee?
38:03Please.
38:05Listen, um,
38:07Sally, uh,
38:10you weren't the one-night stand, okay?
38:12Really, I'm...
38:14I would never do that to you, never.
38:16So just forget everything I said.
38:18Maybe I was a little too hasty
38:20and maybe I didn't think things through,
38:22and, uh, so forget what I said
38:24and take it easy.
38:26It's not over?
38:28No, it's not over.
38:33Let's sleep on it, okay?
38:37Okay.
38:39Together?
38:41Together.
38:43Oh, what a joker you are.
38:45Listen, I'm gonna...
38:47You clean up this stuff,
38:49and I'm so sorry.
38:58It's working.
39:00Give me a few more weeks,
39:01he'll be a broken man.
39:19Come on, Ma.
39:21Sit down. I made some tea.
39:23Oh, thank you, Corinne.
39:25That's very nice of you.
39:27Don't worry, Ma.
39:29Daddy just forgot where the house is.
39:32No, Corinne, I don't think so.
39:34He's left.
39:36Oh, why would he leave?
39:38Because he knew.
39:40He knew he couldn't remember,
39:42and he felt terrible,
39:44and I didn't know how terrible he felt until last night,
39:46and now I feel terrible because I didn't know.
39:48But, I mean, what could I do?
39:50I didn't know, and now he's left.
39:53We're back.
39:55Nothing.
39:57We covered the parks, the stores,
39:59and all the movie theaters.
40:01There's this movie theater downtown called Peekaboo.
40:03I can't believe what's playing there.
40:05Yeah, and he made me wait outside.
40:07All the other theaters,
40:09we were in and out in two minutes.
40:11We get to the Peekaboo, he made me wait outside,
40:13and he doesn't come out for half an hour.
40:15It was very dark in there.
40:17I couldn't see.
40:19I saw things you wouldn't believe.
40:22Hey, Benson, did you have any luck?
40:24Sort of.
40:26I didn't find him.
40:31Did the police get here yet?
40:33No, not yet.
40:35Where's Major?
40:37He's not here.
40:39Where is he?
40:41Out.
40:43You let him out?
40:45Benson, he wanted to help look,
40:47and we thought it would be a good idea
40:49since he and Chester think a lot alike these days.
40:51Oh, wonderful.
40:53Now I got two gumballs to look for.
40:55You want me to get them?
40:59If you don't mind.
41:05Evening.
41:07Evening.
41:09I'm Deputy Gilmore.
41:11You reported a missing person?
41:13Yes, officer.
41:15My husband.
41:17Name?
41:19Jessica Tate.
41:21Funny name for a man.
41:22No, I'm Jessica.
41:24He's Chester.
41:26Chester Tate.
41:28Wait a second, wait a second.
41:30Bobby Gilmore?
41:32Yeah.
41:34Bobby the Chicken Gilmore?
41:37No!
41:39Yeah.
41:41Benson!
41:43I don't believe it!
41:45It's Benson!
41:47This is Benson!
41:49We know.
41:50We knew you were eight years old.
41:52You've changed.
41:54Benson!
41:56I don't believe it!
41:58You, of all people,
42:00the biggest coward in the neighborhood.
42:02They used to call him the Chicken.
42:04Now you're a cop.
42:06It sure makes me feel secure.
42:09Benson.
42:11How about that?
42:13It's Benson!
42:15I know.
42:17Deputy Chicken, if you don't mind.
42:19Please.
42:21About my husband.
42:23Oh, I'm very, very sorry.
42:25Missing.
42:27Answers to the name of Chester Tate.
42:29Also Colonel Tate.
42:31A colonel?
42:33No.
42:35He thought he was.
42:37And now he doesn't?
42:39We don't know.
42:41He might.
42:43I see.
42:45He also answers to the name of Marlena Dietrich.
42:47Because you got a job on your hands.
42:52Also Gunga Din.
42:55Yes, Gunga Din.
42:57Let me see if I've got this right.
42:59Chester Tate, alias Colonel Tate,
43:01alias Marlena Dietrich,
43:03alias Gloria Swanson, alias Gunga Din.
43:05And while you're looking for the colonel,
43:07you might as well look for the major.
43:09Major?
43:11Is this a real major
43:13or a sometime major like the colonel?
43:14He's a real major.
43:16I see.
43:18But not anymore.
43:20Gotcha.
43:22This is a zoo.
43:24You ought to see him eat.
43:27So, we're looking for a colonel,
43:29who may or may not be a colonel,
43:31and a major who used to be a major.
43:33Is that right?
43:35Right.
43:45You damn beast.
43:48I gave him the colonel's shirt.
43:50I gave him the colonel's socks.
43:53You'd think from socks he'd catch the scent.
43:57He took me to the river and he wouldn't budge.
44:01You lost the scent.
44:03Sigmund Heal.
44:10Pick up your feet.
44:15Now you only got the colonel to look for.
44:20Is he as bad as the major?
44:23Just about.
44:25You sure you want me to look for him?
44:29Take your time.
44:37You think we're normal.
44:40What do you mean, do I think we're normal?
44:41We make love all the time.
44:45We don't make love all the time.
44:47Oh, yes, we do.
44:51At least every night.
44:53You think other couples make love that much?
44:56I don't know, you want to take a poll?
44:58Okay.
45:08Hey.
45:09Hey, what?
45:11What are you going to do right now?
45:13What do you mean?
45:15Well, I mean, are you going to go to sleep or what?
45:18What do you got in mind?
45:21You want to?
45:23Again?
45:25You don't want to?
45:27I want to.
45:29I want to.
45:31I'll be right back.
45:34We are not normal.
45:36We are definitely not normal.
45:38We are definitely not normal.
45:40But who wants to be normal?
45:46Thank you, God.
45:48In the last few weeks,
45:50you have made me happier than in my whole life.
45:53You're really okay.
45:56Oh, Danny!
45:58Oh, you nut!
46:00What is this, your idea of kinky?
46:08Come on.
46:20Elaine, if you don't want to,
46:22all you have to do is say so.
46:24You don't have to hide.
46:37Oh, my God.
47:08Will Chester be found?
47:10Does he want to be found?
47:12Who wants to find him?
47:14Will Danny find out who kidnapped Elaine?
47:16And will they find her?
47:18Find out the answers to these questions