SOAP 1980 Season 2 episodes 3-4
SOAP 1980 Season 2 episodes 3-4
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00:00In last week's episode of Soap, Carol told Jodi she's pregnant and he's the father,
00:06presenting Jodi with a problem that won't disappear.
00:09Because Elaine's father cut her off, her inheritance disappeared.
00:13So Elaine and Danny had to move in with Bert and Mary, who wish she'd disappear.
00:18Tim and Corinne are going to be married, and Tim's mother wishes Corinne would disappear.
00:23Chester and Dutch disappeared from prison and had the police looking for them.
00:27Benson, Billy, Eunice and Corinne disappeared from the dining room and had Jessica looking for them.
00:33Then Jessica disappeared.
00:35Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
00:44This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:51These are the Tates.
00:54And these are the Campbells.
00:58And this is Soap.
01:21Soap
01:30All right, Mrs. Tate, you scream for help and I'll blow your head off.
01:34Do as he says, sir.
01:36Chester? Is that you, Chester?
01:39Oh, darling, darling, you did escape.
01:43That's right, and we're hiding out here.
01:45Now all of you just go about doing whatever it is you do.
01:48Remember, one word of this and somebody gets killed.
01:51Oh, don't be silly.
01:54You don't have to hide down here. We have a perfectly lovely guest room upstairs with a private bath.
02:01Jess, we've escaped. We have to hide.
02:04Okay, everybody get up.
02:07Now all of you just go about your lives as if nothing was going on.
02:11Fine, I'll go get dessert.
02:13You hold it right there.
02:15Okay now, everybody.
02:17You're all to live perfectly normal lives.
02:20Sure, a normal life with a gun up my nose?
02:23Don't be rude. After all, Butch is our guest.
02:27I'm Dutch.
02:28Dutch?
02:30Hold it right there, Buster.
02:35Oh, you fool. This man is Dutch.
02:38The Dutch are on our side.
02:41I'm very sorry, Captain.
02:43Get over there.
02:47Okay now, remember one word.
02:50One word from anybody and he dies.
02:54Anything in particular we'd have to say?
03:11Oh, it's a great meal, darling. It's really just a wonderful dinner. Here.
03:18The stuffing's the pits.
03:20I'll kill her.
03:21I swear, I'll kill her.
03:22No, no, no.
03:24So we didn't know that Elaine doesn't like stuffing.
03:27She might be allergic to it and had a reaction.
03:32Elaine, please.
03:40Have a nice day today, darling.
03:45Darling?
03:47Nice day?
03:49It was okay.
03:51Come on, Elaine. My mother worked hard on this meal.
03:54I'd rather starve to death.
03:56Why don't you? You could stand to lose a few pounds.
04:00What do you mean?
04:01She didn't mean it, Elaine. She didn't mean it.
04:04I meant it.
04:07Take it easy.
04:10How was work today, darling?
04:12Oh, it's the usual.
04:15Let's go out for dinner.
04:17Elaine, the way you've been spending dough, I can't afford it.
04:20You can't afford it? You can't afford anything?
04:22That's because you've got the brain of a fleet.
04:26Okay.
04:27Darling! Darling! Darling! Darling!
04:34She's a girl.
04:35Easy, fella.
04:38So, how do you two guys like working together?
04:42Oh, it's terrific, right?
04:44Sure. One's got a flea brain, the invisible man's got none at all.
04:51Easy. Easy.
04:53Darling, she's a girl.
04:56She's a girl.
05:06You through with that?
05:14Uh, why don't we just have some dessert?
05:19It's your favorite, Danny. Chocolate cream pie.
05:22Oh, God, I hope there's a stomach pump handy.
05:27Take it easy, boys. Come on, now.
05:30We're adults.
05:32For the time being, the four of us are sharing this house together.
05:36We have to learn to live together.
05:38We have to have respect for each other.
05:40We're adults. Sit down.
05:45You really need that.
05:47Why don't you just apply it directly to your hips?
05:56It's not for me, dear. It's for you.
06:27What are you doing here?
06:29I don't know.
06:31You came all the way up those stairs, and you don't know why?
06:34Maybe I came up here because I like to look at you.
06:37To look at me?
06:38Yeah, you're pretty.
06:39No, I'm not pretty.
06:40Sure you are.
06:41No, I'm not.
06:43Hey, you're very pretty.
06:45Listen, you!
06:47If you came up here intending to rape me, let me tell you,
06:50right now it's not gonna be any fun at all,
06:52because I'll spit in your face.
06:54I'll scratch your eyes out.
06:56I'll kill you before I let you.
06:58Yeah, what?
06:59I happen to be a killer, not a rapist.
07:02Oh, I love it.
07:03A killer looks down on a rapist.
07:07And if I was a rapist, let me tell you something,
07:09I wouldn't rape you.
07:11But I'm not a rapist.
07:12Oh, and how come you wouldn't rape me?
07:15Because I'm not pretty.
07:17No, you are pretty.
07:18You're very pretty.
07:20No, you are pretty.
07:21You're very pretty.
07:23Why would you think that you're not pretty?
07:25Because when I was a little girl, I was fat and I had buck teeth.
07:28I looked like a blowfish.
07:31And it doesn't matter what anyone says or how I look or what I do,
07:34I still feel like a fat little funny-looking seven-year-old girl.
07:38That's wonderful.
07:39That's not a bit funny.
07:41No, but that's how I feel.
07:42Like a fat little seven-year-old girl?
07:45No, like a puny little skinny little nine-year-old.
07:49See, when I was a kid, I had all these terrible allergies.
07:52I had asthma and hay fever and hives.
07:54You name it, I was allergic to it.
07:56I spent my whole childhood just trying to get a breath.
07:59And I was real sickly looking too.
08:01The kids used to call me Worm and beat me up.
08:04When I was 11, I changed my name to Dutch.
08:08They still call me Worm.
08:09They make me so mad.
08:11And so you became a killer.
08:13What are you, crazy?
08:14I was 11.
08:16Oh, yeah.
08:18Worm.
08:19Can you imagine that, being called Worm?
08:21Well, listen.
08:22They used to call me Butterball.
08:25They called you Butterball?
08:27Everyone except Corinne.
08:30She used to call me Lardo.
08:34Butterball.
08:37I think that's kind of cute.
08:38That is not a bit cute.
08:41How you doing, Butterball?
08:44Knock it off, Worm.
08:51I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a killer.
08:56I can't believe I'm sitting here laughing with a rich girl.
09:01Well, you're really very nice.
09:04So are you.
09:05And you're very pretty.
09:08It's too bad I'm not a rapist.
09:15Oh, Bert.
09:18I know, Mary, I know.
09:20Three meals a day.
09:21I know.
09:22That's 21 meals a week.
09:24I know, Mary.
09:25I wonder how many meals a year that is.
09:271,092.
09:33Chuck!
09:37Chuck!
09:39Bob, I have a date.
09:40Now, go back to bed and don't wait up, okay?
09:42I'm going with you.
09:43You're not going.
09:44Yes, I am.
09:45Now, look, Bob.
09:46Wait a minute, Bob.
09:47Now, look.
09:48Don't you have been through this how many times?
09:49Yeah, you know what I think.
09:50I think it stinks.
09:53Come on, Bob.
09:54Now, look.
09:55If you had the date, I wouldn't go with you.
09:57I mean, I just want to be alone with her.
09:59You'll be alone.
10:00I won't say a word.
10:01I just want to see the movie.
10:02Gee, I got all dressed up and everything.
10:05Chuck, Chuck, go.
10:06I can babysit.
10:08Hey, thanks, Dad.
10:10Yeah, okay, fine.
10:11Fine, fine.
10:12Don't take me with you tonight.
10:13Yeah, yeah.
10:14And I don't go with you to the audition tomorrow.
10:17Come on, Bob.
10:18I mean, that could be a big break for us.
10:20No, you want to be alone.
10:24Well, you can be alone there, too.
10:26We'll just see how your career takes off.
10:34Okay, okay, okay, you can come.
10:36Yeah.
10:37Yeah, but this time, keep your hands off her.
10:41Yeah.
10:45Bert, do you think Chuck might need some professional help?
10:52No, no, no, no, no.
10:54I just think he's got to discipline Bob more.
11:04Oh, my God, they're back.
11:07Oh, Jody, how you doing, Bob?
11:09Great, great.
11:10Hiya, Ma.
11:11Hello, honey.
11:12How are you?
11:13Fine, terrific.
11:14Never felt better in my life.
11:15You know, I felt so good, I had to drive up and say hello.
11:17You got a problem.
11:18Boy, do I have a problem.
11:21Well, you know, you two guys talk.
11:24No, Bert, it's okay.
11:25You can stay, but please, no cracks, huh?
11:27I mean, this is serious.
11:35What is it?
11:36Carol's pregnant, and I'm the father.
11:50I knew he wasn't okay, is he?
11:54Bert, this doesn't mean I'm not gay.
11:57Jody, please, what it means is you're good at it.
12:01But the first time she's pregnant.
12:03It's beginner's luck.
12:05How about this man?
12:07Look at him here.
12:08Mary made a girl pregnant.
12:10Well, I must say, it wasn't something I expected from you.
12:14From Danny, yes, but you.
12:17Yeah, I know, but I don't know what to do about it.
12:19Oh, you just do it a few more times, you'll be hooked.
12:22It's like pretzels.
12:30Bert, this is serious.
12:33Bert, Carol is pregnant.
12:35I'm in love with Dennis.
12:39This is not the perfect match.
12:40I mean, well, what do I do?
12:45I don't know what to tell you.
12:47I mean, when you were six and you came home from day camp
12:50because Perry Miller was splashing you,
12:53I could say splash back.
12:55But this, how can I tell you how to spend the rest of your life?
13:03I have no frame of reference for this.
13:05I know, there are not a lot of books written on the subject.
13:08Who would want to read them?
13:11I'm going to get some coffee.
13:14Oh, Jody, I'm sorry.
13:16I don't mean to let you down.
13:17I love you.
13:18I wish I had an answer.
13:20It's okay, Ma, really, it's okay.
13:22And your answers aren't so hot anyway, lady.
13:26If you remember, when I splashed Perry Miller, he broke my nose.
13:33He did.
13:43Hi.
13:44Hi.
13:47Were you sitting there watching me?
13:49Yeah, I guess.
13:51Oh, I look terrible.
13:53I look so awful in the morning.
13:55No, you don't.
13:57You look pretty.
13:58No, I don't.
13:59Sure you do.
14:00You look real pretty.
14:02You got real pink cheeks.
14:04Your eyes are real sparkly.
14:06You look very pretty.
14:08Your breath just smells a little.
14:16That's just because I haven't brushed my teeth.
14:19I'm sorry about last night.
14:20I'm really sorry.
14:23You're sorry?
14:25Yeah, I shouldn't have.
14:26I really shouldn't have.
14:27I mean, I got no business being with a girl like you.
14:29You're used to a whole different class of guy.
14:32It was the best ever with you.
14:36Well, that's because you probably haven't been with a guy before
14:38that hasn't seen a woman in two years.
14:42Where are you going?
14:43Back to the basement.
14:44Oh, don't go.
14:46Hey, what do you want with me?
14:49I like you.
14:50Come on.
14:51I do.
14:52You like me?
14:55Get out of here.
14:56I do.
14:58Well, if you like me, I guess I can't be all bad.
15:00You're not bad.
15:03Will I see you tonight?
15:05I don't think so.
15:06Why?
15:07Eunice, I'm wanted in ten states.
15:10Ten states.
15:11I ain't got no future.
15:13If I ain't got no future,
15:14I don't want you to start being special to me.
15:19Am I special to you?
15:23Am I?
15:26Go brush your teeth.
15:32Well, Mary, tell me, what is it?
15:34I mean, you sounded positively frantic over the phone.
15:37You won't believe it.
15:38You will absolutely not believe what is going on in my life.
15:42This is big.
15:44Big?
15:45Oh, Mary, you don't know what big is.
15:47Because, of course, you don't know what's going on in my life.
15:51What?
15:52That Corinne is marrying a priest.
15:53Corinne?
15:55That is nothing.
15:57Well, what is it?
15:58No, Mary.
15:59You tell me yours first.
16:01Because after I tell you mine,
16:03you will not be able to talk.
16:06Okay.
16:07But put your cup down first.
16:09Otherwise, you will spill your tea.
16:13Jody is going to be a father.
16:29Dennis is pregnant?
16:32No, Carol.
16:36Oh.
16:38Because if it was Dennis, you're right.
16:40That's big.
16:44He got a girl pregnant.
16:47My gay son is going to be a father.
16:51That's your news?
16:55You don't think that's big?
16:59You don't think that's big news?
17:02No, that's news.
17:03I think that's news.
17:05Not big news, but news.
17:10Not big news?
17:12Not compared to mine.
17:14Oh, really?
17:16Get ready, Mary.
17:17I'm ready. I'm ready.
17:20Mary, what do you think that I have in my basement?
17:27A thing.
17:28Your big news is about a thing?
17:31No, Mary, not a thing.
17:35Well, what is it?
17:38Two killers.
17:44Jessica, what are you talking about two killers?
17:49Two killers, Mary.
17:50I mean, I have two killers in my basement.
17:55Who are they?
17:59Well, Chester is one of them, but Dutch is the other one.
18:03You mean they came here?
18:04Yes, Mary, they're hiding out.
18:06And Dutch said if we went for help, he'd kill us.
18:10You're kidding.
18:12Jessica, that's awful.
18:13You see, I told you, mine's bigger.
18:17Well, I don't know if it's bigger, Jessica.
18:20It's awful.
18:23But I don't know if it's bigger.
18:26Two killers, Mary?
18:28I mean, I think two killers is bigger than a gay guy and one pregnant girl.
18:35Yeah, I guess it's bigger.
18:37Although yours is big.
18:39Of course it's big.
18:40Just not bigger.
18:45I would have had you if it had been Dennis.
18:59Ma, it's not your fault.
19:02Oh, Corinne, I am sorry.
19:04I mean, I wanted to give you a wonderful wedding, and now your very own father can't even be here.
19:11Ma, it's all right.
19:13I wonder, do you think it's too late to have the reception down in the basement?
19:18Oh, Corinne, it's so hard to know what to do when there's an escaped prisoner in the family.
19:24Sorry.
19:26Ma, all I want is to marry Tim.
19:32And it's finally going to come true.
19:35I'm happy, Ma.
19:38And if you gave me the most elaborate, the fanciest wedding in the whole world, it couldn't make me any happier.
19:46Oh, I love you, Corinne.
19:48I love you.
19:49I love you too, Ma.
19:50I know.
19:55I'll wave to you.
19:56Okay.
20:01Well, you about ready?
20:05How did it feel to break your word?
20:07What?
20:08Don't you remember?
20:10You told me when you were nine years old that you'd never get married, not in a million years.
20:15Did I really say that?
20:17Yeah.
20:18It was all on account of a fight you'd had with Tommy Gibbs.
20:21You and he had made some lemonade, and when the fight started, he ran home and you gave me his share.
20:28But what I remember most about it was we sat on the porch and drank lemonade, and you called me your best friend.
20:38Benson, you are.
20:41You really are.
20:45Oh, my gosh.
20:49Who is that?
20:51That's Mrs. Flotsky.
20:52That's Tim's mother.
20:54I thought she'd come to the wedding.
20:55Mrs. Wonderful Tim would be so happy.
21:04Father Tim, what are you doing here?
21:07I'm getting married.
21:08Didn't you know, Father?
21:09You mean a priest can marry now?
21:15No, Father.
21:16I'm no longer a priest.
21:17Oh.
21:18I thought it seemed too good to be true.
21:48And now, if the father of the bride could please take his place with the other guests.
21:58Oh.
21:59Will the best friend of the bride please take his place with the other guests, yes.
22:11Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
22:18If any person can show just cause why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now declare it or forever hold his peace.
22:29And now, if the...
22:30Just cause!
22:31I'll give you just cause!
22:33What right does that bimbo have to take my son's life and turn it into garbage?
22:38Oh, you could have been a bishop at least by now.
22:40What's with this tramp?
22:42Oh, maybe even a cardinal.
22:44Oh, there should be laws against you.
22:46You're a terrible, terrible person.
22:53There being no just cause, let us proceed.
23:01Tim, do you take Corinne, here present, to be your lawful wife according to the right of the holy church of God?
23:10I do, father.
23:22Will Danny and Elaine ever have a relationship that works?
23:25Will Chuck ever have a relationship with Bob around?
23:28What will be left of Bert and Mary's relationship living with Danny and Elaine and Chuck and Bob?
23:33What kind of a relationship could Eunice and Dutch ever have?
23:37Will Tim's relationship with his mother destroy his relationship with Corinne?
23:41What kind of relationship can Chester and Jessica have with Chester living in the basement and Jessica living upstairs?
23:48These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
23:59In last week's episode of Soap, Dutch and Chester were discovered hiding from the police in the Tate basement.
24:05Dutch, to prevent the Tates from going for help, told them he'd kill Chester if they did.
24:10They didn't.
24:11Corinne and Tim had a wedding, during which Mrs. Flotsky tried to prevent their marriage.
24:16She couldn't.
24:17Jody told Bert and Mary that he's going to be a father.
24:20He told Bert to be serious.
24:22Bert wasn't.
24:23And Dutch went up to Eunice's bedroom.
24:26He said he didn't have anything on his mind, but did.
24:29Eunice thought about preventing it, but didn't.
24:32Confused?
24:33You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
24:41This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:49These are the Tates.
24:52And these are the Campbells.
24:56This is Soap.
24:58May I come in?
25:26Sure, Ma.
25:28Corinne, it was such a lovely wedding.
25:32And you were the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.
25:35Thanks, Ma.
25:36And Tim was so handsome, I just couldn't have been nicer.
25:39It's just a shame Bob got so drunk and hit Chuck.
25:46Corinne, living with your husband is going to be a lot different than living here.
25:52Oh, I know that, Ma.
25:54I mean, for example, Benson won't be there.
25:56I know that, Ma.
25:58You'll be living with a man.
26:01I don't care what Gloria Steinem says.
26:04Men expect certain things, you know?
26:07Ma, I know this. Really.
26:10I'm not sure that you do.
26:12I mean, I remember when I first married your father, I was very surprised.
26:16First of all, I was surprised that any human being could take that long in the bathroom.
26:21And secondly, I was very surprised because my mother told me that on my wedding night I was expected to...
26:27Ma, I know these things. Really.
26:30Remember? I lived with a man.
26:33Oh, yes. That's right. You did.
26:36Oh, well, then I guess you know all about everything you're supposed to know about.
26:40Yep.
26:41Good. I'm so glad, because I didn't have an idea in the world how I could explain it to you.
26:48You know, when I look back now on my life with your father,
26:52I can see all the places that we ran aground and...
26:56Well, I wanted to tell you about them so you could avoid them.
27:01But I realized that all those dangerous places,
27:05all the rocks in your marriage are going to be in different spots at different times.
27:10There isn't any way for me to warn you about them.
27:14You know, Corinne, whatever does happen in life is not nearly so bad when it's put into words.
27:23I guess the best thing I can tell you is just talk to each other.
27:33Corinne, be happy.
27:37I will, Ma.
27:38Good.
27:44Chester?
27:50Chester? Where are you?
27:53I'm over here.
27:54Oh.
27:55I heard him rustling around these boxes earlier this evening.
27:59If he's lost or hurt, I'll never forgive myself.
28:03Do you mean Dutch, dear? Because if you do, I think he's upstairs.
28:08No, Arnold.
28:10Arnold?
28:12He's a rat.
28:16A rat?
28:17Yes. I met him last week over there behind the furnace.
28:21Oh, Jess, sometimes I feel like he's the only friend I've got left.
28:25You don't mean a rat, not like an actual rat.
28:29Well, Arnold is a very special rat.
28:32I guess he is if he told you his name.
28:35Jessica, I named Arnold myself.
28:39And I've taught him all kinds of little special tricks.
28:43For instance, I'll set out a piece of cheese,
28:47and sooner or later, he'll creep out and eat it.
28:56It's usually when I'm asleep, of course.
28:59But still, isn't that wonderful?
29:02I'm also teaching him to, uh, scurry off.
29:09Scurry off?
29:11That's right. All I have to do is clap my hands like this,
29:14and he scurries off.
29:17And I'm also trying to teach him to come when I call him.
29:21Let me give it a try.
29:23Oh! Oh!
29:26Oh! Oh!
29:29Oh! Oh!
29:32Oh! Oh!
29:35Oh! Oh!
29:42Don't you think it would work better, dear,
29:45if you just said, Here, Arnold! Here, Arnold!
29:48Well, Jess, I wasn't calling him.
29:51It was something else. It was some kind of an attack.
29:54Oh, Chester. An attack?
29:57It only lasts a second or two.
29:59You mustn't worry. It's probably just, uh, tension.
30:05Chester, it's because of this murder of yours.
30:09I thought no good would come of it.
30:14Look at us, for example.
30:16Chester, how long has it been since we had a normal married life?
30:21Jessica, I'm an escaped convict
30:24who's not allowed out of his own basement
30:26because I'm at the mercy of a killer.
30:28Well, don't you think that in some small way
30:31might have an effect upon our domestic life?
30:34Chester, I love you.
30:37Why don't we spend the night together in our bedroom?
30:40Oh, Jess, I'm sorry. I really am.
30:43It's just that...
30:45Everything that's going on, I just can't, you know?
30:48Ahem!
30:52Do you want this down here or upstairs in the bedroom or what?
30:55No, Benson, I...
30:57I guess you might as well leave it down here.
31:00You see, darling, I thought it would be really nice
31:04if we shared a bottle of your favorite wine together.
31:07Oh, Jess, I just wish I deserved all the kindness you've shown me.
31:12So do I.
31:15You've just been so nice...
31:17Look out! Look out!
31:26You got that, Mother?
31:44That was Arnold.
31:56Tim, it's our wedding night
31:59and you've been in there for over 20 minutes.
32:01Are you all right?
32:03Sure. I'm just setting up the courtesy coffee
32:06so it'll be all ready first thing in the morning.
32:09I don't think we have to worry about coffee, Tim.
32:13Besides, I've already ordered champagne.
32:16Okay, I'll be right there.
32:18I just want to rinse out a few things.
32:22Tim, I think this is serious.
32:26I think you should come out now.
32:33Good night.
32:38You're a little nervous, aren't you?
32:40Me? Don't be crazy.
32:43Why would I be nervous?
32:45Good.
32:47Boy, this is some view, isn't it?
32:49I wonder how many miles you can see.
32:51Tim, we're only on the second floor.
32:55Look, I can understand if you're a little uneasy,
33:00but you must have known all along
33:02that this would be part of our marriage.
33:05Hopefully.
33:07Well, I thought I could handle it when the time came,
33:10but now I'm not so sure.
33:12Well, I'm sure you can.
33:14I thought I could handle it when the time came,
33:16but now I'm not so sure.
33:18But it's not something you do alone.
33:20It's something we do together.
33:22Hopefully.
33:26There must be room service. Can you get it?
33:28Sure. Coming.
33:35Good evening. Good evening.
33:37Will that be all, sir?
33:39Yes.
33:40Father Flotsky.
33:43It's me, Orville.
33:45Oh, right, Orville.
33:47Listen, Father, the reason you haven't seen me en masse
33:50is I'm working Sundays.
33:52It's okay.
33:53And I want you to know, ever since my last confession,
33:56I have completely given up the twins.
33:59So now...
34:04Hiya.
34:05I don't believe it.
34:07You don't understand. This is my wife.
34:10And you made me give up the twins.
34:16Don't worry about it.
34:18Come on. Let's have a drink.
34:21All right.
34:24To us.
34:30You feel better?
34:31Uh-huh.
34:32Good.
34:36How much better?
34:40A little bit better?
34:41No, a lot better.
34:44Definitely a whole lot better.
34:46In fact, I feel better now than I ever did in my entire...
34:53Oh, no.
34:58Hello?
35:00Mother?
35:04Attack?
35:06What sort of an attack?
35:09Oh, be reasonable.
35:11You're not dying.
35:14It's our wedding night. Of course she's here.
35:35Hey.
35:39Time to get up?
35:46Seven of my men are gonna be off today.
35:48Of course, it's a Jewish holiday, and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs.
35:51Bert, could I talk to you before you go?
35:53You know what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish.
35:56Two of them are black, and one's an Indian.
36:00Darling, I really need to talk to you.
36:02Oh, we'll talk tonight, Mary. I got a big day ahead of me.
36:05Well, at least you're gonna have a day.
36:07I'm not gonna have any day at all.
36:10Is that a riddle, Mary?
36:12Of course, if it is, it's much too early for that.
36:21I have no life, Bert.
36:23I have nothing to do all day.
36:25You know, the kids are grown, and you're hardly ever home to dinner, and...
36:28There's, uh, no laundry to do, nothing to clean.
36:32No beds to make.
36:34Nothing.
36:36I could be sloppier.
36:39I tell you what. Now, Mary, when I come home tonight, I'll mess up the house.
36:44Now, Mary, right now, I can't talk, or else I'll be late.
36:47Oh, you won't be late, Bert. I set the alarm ahead of half an hour.
36:50It's only five...
36:54Bert.
36:56I need to talk to you.
36:58Mary, I need to sleep.
37:03I want to go to school, Bert.
37:06Mary, it's 5.30 in the morning. School's closed.
37:11I'm serious.
37:13I want to go to college. I want to study English.
37:17Why? I think you speak it very well.
37:21Are you against me going?
37:23No.
37:25Why? Why?
37:27Because I don't want you to feel bad.
37:29Why should I feel bad?
37:31When you fail, you'll feel bad.
37:33I won't fail.
37:35You might. No, I won't.
37:37I know.
37:39That's just the problem.
37:41You're going to get smart.
37:44I'm not going to get smart, Bert.
37:46Yeah, you will. You'll get smart, and then you'll get too smart for me.
37:50You'll learn all those things I don't know,
37:52and you'll start using big words when you talk,
37:55like, uh, notwithstanding and heretofore.
37:59I won't understand any of that.
38:01And then you're going to find out how really dumb I am,
38:04and you're going to pay me for somebody smart
38:06who you can talk with about philosophy.
38:08Oh, Bert.
38:10It'll happen, Mary.
38:12You're so dumb.
38:14See? It's starting already.
38:17Bert.
38:20I'm not going to get smart and leave you.
38:23First of all, you're the smartest man I know,
38:25and second of all, I love you.
38:29I want to go to school, Bert.
38:32I'll feel more like a person. I'll feel better.
38:35And if I feel better, it'll be better for us.
38:39You really think I'm smart?
38:41Oh.
38:43Smartest man you ever met?
38:50Listen, Mary, I got 20 minutes left.
38:52No sense going back to sleep.
38:58You're so smart.
39:01You're so smart.
39:20Hey, Danny.
39:22Whoa!
39:32Whoa.
39:38She really picked up speed there, huh?
39:41Yeah, especially towards the end.
39:44Still, it's amazing the way it knocked that horse
39:46right up on that cop.
39:49He's okay, though. He's just stunned.
39:51The cop?
39:52No, the horse.
39:54See? He's up now, and he's eating my apple.
39:56Hey.
39:58See? He's up now, and he's eating my apple.
40:00Hey.
40:01Hey, look. The copper's up, too.
40:05Oh, he's down again.
40:11Come on, Danny. Danny, what's the matter?
40:13Believe me, 40 stories up is not a good place to be depressed.
40:16That's Elaine.
40:18Every day, it's more and more shopping.
40:21She's charging up a storm.
40:23I tell you, you can't believe how much I'm in debt.
40:29You know what?
40:33You got to be more careful.
40:36Anyway, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
40:38She's not the kind of girl that settles for second best,
40:41and then she's got this idea that nothing's too good for her.
40:44There's no end in sight.
40:47Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
40:49What if you agree with her only more so?
40:52Hey, the same thing happened in some musical, uh,
40:55Oklahoma. No, that wasn't it.
40:57Showboat. No, no, no.
41:00Carousel.
41:02Boy, you know, I really love musicals.
41:05The only one that ever disappointed me was Cabin in the Sky.
41:09But that was my fault, because I thought it was gonna be a musical
41:12about the construction industry.
41:16Bert, you said you had some idea of how I could handle Elaine.
41:19I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me what you think I should do.
41:22Danny, kiss me shrew.
41:28Kiss your what?
41:31Not my what. Kiss me shrew.
41:33It's a very famous musical by Shakespeare. It'll work for you.
41:35Danny, I know it's gonna work for you.
41:37See, in this story, this guy's got, oh, a terrible wife.
41:40Yeah? And he keeps her in line.
41:42He comes in. Hey! Whoa! Look out!
41:45Hey!
41:47What?
41:58You're gonna love it.
42:00Well, you can bet I'll save this ribbon.
42:06Oh. Oh!
42:08You shouldn't have.
42:11A turtle.
42:13You like it?
42:15I love him.
42:18I'll put him back here so he can play.
42:21Oh, Chester, you know the nice thing about a turtle
42:24is that that's something everyone can use,
42:26but seldom goes out to buy for himself.
42:30Thank you for your gifts, too.
42:32You're welcome, Danny.
42:34Please don't mention it.
42:36Also, I had my eye on a spider for you over there behind the stairs,
42:39but he turned out to be dead,
42:41and I didn't want to bring back bad memories.
42:44All right, I did what you asked,
42:46so I just hope I've heard the last of it.
42:49You gave Arnold a proper burial?
42:51Sort of. What do you mean, sort of?
42:53Well, it was more like a burial at sea.
43:01Flushed him down the toilet.
43:06Colonel, I understand you recently lost a valued rodent,
43:11and I thought the companionship of Sigmund might be of some solace.
43:15Who's Sigmund?
43:17A gallant Doberman I liberated from the Nazis
43:20during our push to the Rhine.
43:23Now, despite his ancestry,
43:25I think you find him a devoted and loyal patriot.
43:29Come, Sigmund.
43:31Sigmund?
43:33Come.
43:35Here.
43:42Here.
43:53Steak.
43:59Sigmund, your new master.
44:02Well, Daddy, at least you don't have to worry about fleas.
44:05No. Oddly enough, in his sunset years,
44:08he seems to be more bothered by moths.
44:11Clowns.
44:13Nonetheless, he has still retained his basic knowledge of simple commands.
44:19Sigmund, lie down.
44:24Lie down!
44:33Words fail me.
44:36All I can say is...
44:44What, Chester?
44:47Landed right on the turtle.
44:52Hey, his breathing sounds bad. This could be serious.
44:55Oh, dear. Well, I'd better call an ambulance.
44:58No, that's no good. If they find out he's been hiding here,
45:00you'll all be in trouble for harboring a fugitive.
45:02Well, Dutch, we have to do something.
45:04I know. Wait a minute.
45:06Benson, you and the major take him out the back way
45:08and around to the front of the house.
45:10Then if anybody asks what happened, say he rang the doorbell
45:12and passed out in the doorstep.
45:14Okay, that's a good idea. Here, give me your hand.
45:16Dear, I'm going to call the ambulance.
45:20I got to get out of here.
45:22The cops will be swarming all over this place as soon as they identify your dad.
45:25Let me come with you.
45:27Are you crazy? It's too dangerous.
45:29I don't want to be without you.
45:31Listen, I can't make any promises,
45:33but after this calms down,
45:35I'll try to come back and see you.
45:37Really? Will you?
45:39I'll try, but I don't know how long it'll take.
45:41Goodbye, Dutch.
45:46Be careful.
45:48So long, sweetheart.
45:58They're not going to buy it. This doesn't look natural.
46:00What do you mean?
46:02Well, the story is he rang the doorbell and then collapsed.
46:04This looks like he settled down for a nap.
46:07Hey, give me a hand here.
46:09Let's get him up.
46:11Oh, dear. We'd better hurry.
46:13Yeah, this will make it look more real.
46:15Let's get him over here by the door.
46:17Billy, put his finger on the doorbell there.
46:22Isn't that strange?
46:24It sounds as if he's perfectly fine.
46:27I'm going to count to three.
46:29Now, when I do, everybody move away.
46:31One, two, three.
46:42Yeah, that looks natural.
46:57Does Bert really have a plan to change Elaine?
46:59Does it involve surgery?
47:01Is Chester seriously ill?
47:03Or is he just upset about Arnold?
47:05Will Sigmund ever be housebroken?
47:07Will Dutch and Eunice get together again?
47:09Will Corinne and Tim get together?
47:11What will the police do
47:13when they discover Chester's been taken to the hospital?
47:15Will they have to wait for visiting hours to arrest him?
47:17These questions and many others
47:19will be answered on next week's episode of
47:21Soap.
47:26Soap.