SOAP 1980 Season 1 episodes 19-20
SOAP 1980 Season 1 episodes 19-20
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00:00This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:09These are the Tates.
00:13And these are the Campbells.
00:16And this is Soap.
00:45And so what you're saying to me, Mrs. Tate, is although you had a gun, you didn't shoot
00:48it.
00:49You had a knife and you didn't use it.
00:51You had a brick and you didn't throw it.
00:53Is that what you're asking me to believe, Mrs. Tate?
00:55Chester, is this my lawyer?
00:57Why is he yelling at me?
01:00I thought he was supposed to be on our side.
01:02Mrs. Tate, I'm pretending to be the prosecuting attorney, so you get used to it when you're
01:07in court.
01:08Well, are you going to yell at me like that when we go to court?
01:11Because if you are, I'm not going.
01:14No, I won't, Mrs. Tate.
01:16I promise I'll be very nice.
01:18The prosecutor will probably yell.
01:20Well, who is the prosecutor?
01:24I don't know yet.
01:25Oh, well, Chester, when you hire the prosecutor, make sure it's someone nice.
01:32Mrs. Tate.
01:33You see, I was just telling Chester, I don't think we really need a lawyer or a case or
01:37any of this.
01:38See, I thought I would just go to the jury and tell them I'm innocent.
01:41They'll believe me.
01:43Jess.
01:44Chester, all my life, people have always believed me.
01:48See, I have that kind of face.
01:50My mother once said to me, Jessica, with a face like that, you could get away with murder.
01:59So, you see, I was just thinking, Mr. Magoo.
02:02Uh.
02:05Malou.
02:06Right.
02:08Mrs. Tate, why don't you go inside and join the rest of the family?
02:13Tell me, Tate, is this the way she generally is or she had a couple of boilermakers?
02:19No, that's pretty much Jessica.
02:21You see, I usually rely upon putting my client on the stand to testify in their own defense.
02:27But, I mean, in this case, put her on the stand?
02:30You might as well strap her in, shave her head, and attach the electrodes right there.
02:34No, we better look for some character witnesses amongst the rest of the family.
02:40We've got to find something to save her neck.
02:48Everyone, this is E. Ronald Malou.
02:52He'll be handling Jessica's case.
02:54Thank you all for coming.
02:55Good afternoon, everyone.
02:57Please, sit down.
03:06Benson.
03:07Uh.
03:09Now, you were very kind to come and Mrs. Tate's behalf.
03:12What we're looking for are good character witnesses.
03:16So, please remember, if there is anything in your past that might discredit you, tell me now.
03:22I don't want to call you as a witness only to have the prosecution reveal something about you that's embarrassing that I didn't know.
03:29Now, Mrs. Campbell.
03:30Uh.
03:31Jessica is the dearest, most wonderful, kind, good-hearted sister there ever was.
03:37And she didn't do it.
03:38Oh, that's very nice, Mrs. Campbell.
03:40But I think the jury might find your testimony a little partial.
03:44But thank you anyway.
03:45Now, Mr. Campbell.
03:46Where's Mr. Campbell?
03:48See that?
03:49I am invisible.
03:50He doesn't know where I am.
03:57He doesn't know who you are.
03:59There he is.
04:01Mr. Campbell.
04:09Oh.
04:11Hello.
04:17Peter was your son.
04:18Do you think your sister-in-law could have killed him?
04:20Absolutely not.
04:21Good.
04:22Now, he could be a very important witness to see the victim's father testifying on behalf of the accused.
04:27Now, what makes you so...
04:33What makes you so certain that your sister-in-law couldn't have killed him?
04:36One.
04:37One.
04:38She has red hair.
04:40I beg your pardon?
04:41And two, I have never seen her do or say anything suspicious.
04:44Well, Mr. Campbell, I'm sure that the prosecutor would point out to you
04:48that she wouldn't do or say anything suspicious with you standing there.
04:52No, no, no, no, no, no.
04:53She didn't know I was there.
04:54She couldn't see me.
04:55You see, it was while I was invisible.
04:59Oh.
05:00Well, thank you very much, Mr. Campbell.
05:04Terrific.
05:05Invisible?
05:07Put him on the stand.
05:08We might as well throw a bag overhead and tell the squad to fire right there.
05:15Danny?
05:16Yeah.
05:17Look, I'll testify.
05:18No, wait.
05:19Wait, wait.
05:20He can't testify.
05:21Why not?
05:22I know Aunt Jessica didn't do it.
05:23With the kind of work that you do, how will that look to a jury?
05:26Ah, come on.
05:27It's not gonna make any difference to them.
05:29That won't make any difference.
05:30The kind of people you work for?
05:32Well, for God's sakes, what does he do?
05:34Work for gangsters?
05:35That's right.
05:39I think your Uncle Chester has a point.
05:41Next, Jody.
05:44I don't think I ought to testify.
05:46Why?
05:47I'm gay.
05:48Oh.
05:51Well, these are more liberal times, Jody.
05:53I don't think that would matter.
05:54Last month, I tried to commit suicide.
05:56A suicidal homosexual?
06:00You certainly have your hands full.
06:03I'm sorry, Jody.
06:06Ugh.
06:10Next, Chuck.
06:11Where's Chuck?
06:15Now, Chuck, you are the deceased brother.
06:17That's right, and I'm Bob.
06:19Is there any reason that you can't testify?
06:20That is, uh, Bob, D-O-B.
06:22Bob, would you please?
06:23He's talking to me.
06:24Yes, well, he's making a big mistake with it.
06:25Will you just shut up?
06:26Don't tell me to shut up, you moron.
06:28Don't call me a moron.
06:30Jerk.
06:31Jerk, I tell you.
06:32I'm not gonna tell you.
06:33I'm not gonna tell you.
06:35He's talking to a doll.
06:37No, actually, he's arguing with a doll.
06:41Well, that's wonderful.
06:43I have for character witnesses
06:45Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy,
06:49and the Invisible Man.
06:54Is there something wrong?
06:56Jessica, the Campbells have been no help at all.
07:00No help?
07:01Well, you see, we don't usually have murder suspects.
07:03We have murder suspects among our relatives to help.
07:06You see, we haven't had much practice in helping killers.
07:09Got it?
07:10Listen, you lunatic.
07:11What?
07:12That's all right.
07:13Let him go.
07:14Let him go.
07:15Don't behold him.
07:17Can't see me now.
07:24Please, please, hold it down.
07:27This is no help to Mrs. Tate.
07:29I mean, she's got all the evidence against her.
07:31It's important that the jury see a very close-knit family.
07:34Now, please, I beg of you.
07:36We don't have an awful lot going for us.
07:39Now, the Tate family.
07:41Is there anyone in the Tate family
07:43who cannot appear on the witness stand?
07:46Uh, have you, uh, met the Major?
07:49No, I haven't.
07:53Major.
07:54Yep.
07:55This is Mr. Malou, an attorney.
07:59Glad you're here, Adjutant.
08:04It's about time we court-martialed
08:06some of these panty-waist mama's boys who go over the hill.
08:10If we shoot a couple of them,
08:12it'll set an example for the other men.
08:14Ha, ha, ha.
08:16Carry on.
08:23Oh, my God.
08:24Uh, that's, uh, Jessica's father.
08:28Uh-huh.
08:30Okay.
08:32Eunice?
08:33Yes.
08:34Uh, is there anything that could damage your testimony?
08:37No.
08:38Want to bet?
08:40Nobody knows.
08:41Knows what?
08:42I know.
08:43What do you know?
08:44You're the only one who knows.
08:45I don't know.
08:46If I know, you never know who else knows.
08:50You know, you're right.
08:52I know.
08:53I can't testify.
08:54I know.
08:58How about you?
08:59What about me?
09:00How long have you worked for the Tates?
09:02Forever.
09:04Do you have any secrets?
09:05Of course I got secrets.
09:07Well, can you tell me?
09:08Well, if I told you, they wouldn't be secrets.
09:12Could you appear on the stand?
09:14Yes.
09:15Terrific.
09:18Now, Mr. Tate.
09:20I love it.
09:21A man who leaps on anything with a heartbeat,
09:24and he can testify?
09:26That's enough, Bert.
09:28Of course.
09:29If he'd been invisible like me, no one would know.
09:34Ben, I don't know.
09:35I wonder if an invisible man can...
09:42There it is.
09:43Something we have to test later on.
09:49Mr. Malou.
09:50Mr. Malou.
09:54I can't testify.
09:56Why not?
09:58Well, my ex-mistress may report
10:01some illegal stock manipulations to the SEC.
10:05Actually, in a few days, I may be needing your help.
10:07I was wondering, do you have family rates?
10:13Oh, Betsy, please, don't go.
10:15I need you for a witness.
10:21I don't know if I can do this.
10:23Bert, you can't go.
10:25Mary, I gotta go.
10:27Bert, you promised to talk to the doctor.
10:29It's a bad idea.
10:30I'm in a lot of danger here.
10:32What are you talking about?
10:33It's Dr. Medlow.
10:34He's your friend.
10:35You know him.
10:36Mary, please.
10:37He's a psychiatrist, right?
10:38Right.
10:39Right.
10:40I said I would come down here.
10:41I thought all I would have to do is just show up
10:43and become invisible for him.
10:45But, Mary, I'm getting nervous.
10:47And when I'm nervous,
10:48I'm getting nervous.
10:49And when I'm nervous, I perspire.
10:50And when I perspire, I get wet.
10:51And when I'm wet,
10:52I cannot make myself invisible.
10:54Now, suppose he wants a demonstration
10:56and I can't give it to him.
10:58Being a psychiatrist,
10:59he's gonna say,
11:00this guy's a loon.
11:01Let's lock him up.
11:02Uh-uh.
11:03I got a lot of work to do on my investigation.
11:04I can't.
11:05I got chances.
11:06Too risky.
11:07I'm sweating, and I'm leaving.
11:08Bert,
11:10you're not invisible.
11:12You cannot make yourself invisible.
11:14You have never been invisible.
11:16You will never be invisible.
11:18Never, never.
11:19All right, Mary, that's it.
11:20I've had it.
11:21I am gone.
11:22Well, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell,
11:23how nice to see you again.
11:27Well, let's see, Mr. Campbell.
11:28The last time you were here,
11:29you were having some problems
11:30with impotency.
11:31Cured.
11:32You know what I mean?
11:35Wonderful.
11:36So then, what brings you here?
11:37Oh, well, uh, Mary
11:39has something that she wants
11:40to talk to you about.
11:41Oh, Mrs. Campbell?
11:43Well,
11:45Bert hasn't been himself lately.
11:48In what way isn't he himself,
11:50Mrs. Campbell?
11:51He thinks he's invisible.
11:54He thinks he's invisible?
11:56Yes.
11:57Uh, darling, show the doctor
11:59how you make yourself invisible.
12:03Did you do it yet, Bert?
12:04Have you made yourself invisible?
12:06Mrs. Campbell,
12:07how long have you considered
12:08your husband invisible?
12:11I-I-I don't consider him
12:13to be invisible.
12:14He considers himself
12:15to be invisible.
12:17And you don't believe it at all?
12:18No.
12:19Well, just a teeny bit perhaps.
12:21Oh, Bert, Bert, Bert!
12:23That's all right, Mrs. Campbell.
12:24Now you and I can have
12:25a nice quiet talk.
12:36Mr. Campbell, are you all right?
12:37I don't understand that.
12:39Yesterday, I could have
12:40walked right through it.
12:41You know, it's because I'm wet.
12:43Also, you may have
12:44a whole different magnetic zone
12:46down here.
12:47I'll check it out for you.
12:48Don't worry.
12:49I can use the doorknob.
12:50See you.
12:54Oh, my goodness.
12:56He thinks he's invisible.
12:58That's what I've been telling you.
13:00I've never seen that before.
13:02Invisible.
13:03What can be done?
13:05Well, in the movie,
13:06Claude Rains covered himself
13:07with a bandage
13:08from head to foot
13:09and wore sunglasses.
13:10Dr. Nichols.
13:11I'm sorry.
13:13Well, this is
13:14an acute reactive psychosis,
13:16which we do see.
13:17I suggest we consider
13:18putting him into
13:19the Neuropsychiatric Institute
13:20for observation.
13:21You mean put him away?
13:23But he's harmless.
13:25Well, as of the moment, yes.
13:27I don't know.
13:28Think about it, Mrs. Campbell.
13:29Now, I'll call you tomorrow,
13:31but do think about it.
13:33I mean, anyone who
13:34entertains the idea
13:35that he might be invisible
13:37really needs help.
13:39I know.
13:40That's why I came here.
13:41I'll call you tomorrow,
13:42Mrs. Campbell.
13:50Mrs. Campbell, is that you?
14:05Corinne, I want to talk to you.
14:07Please, Corinne.
14:12My, this is nice.
14:14It's, uh, light.
14:17How many rooms do you have?
14:19Look, you didn't come here
14:20to sublet the apartment.
14:22Right.
14:23Well, of course not.
14:24I came here to talk.
14:25That's something you had
14:2623 years to do.
14:28That's true.
14:29Corinne, it just wasn't
14:31quite that simple.
14:34Well, you see,
14:35Daddy and I decided
14:36that we would tell you
14:38about your adoption
14:40just as soon as you were
14:41old enough to understand.
14:43And, well,
14:45it would have been silly
14:46to tell you before then.
14:48I mean, easier, but silly.
14:50And, well,
14:51when you were old enough,
14:53Daddy and I thought about it
14:54and we decided to wait
14:56because, Corinne,
14:57it was that exact month
14:59that you were having braces
15:00put on your teeth
15:01and you were very upset
15:02about that.
15:03And you were also
15:04terribly upset
15:05because you were
15:06the first girl in your class
15:07to get a bra
15:08and the boys were
15:09snapping the back of it.
15:14You see, Corinne,
15:15Daddy and I just didn't want
15:16to upset you anymore
15:17that month.
15:18Well, what about
15:19the next month?
15:20Well, you were still upset
15:22about your braces.
15:24And after that?
15:25Pimples.
15:27And then?
15:28Your first period.
15:30And then?
15:32I was afraid.
15:35Oh, Corinne,
15:36I loved you
15:37the way I loved
15:38all my children.
15:40And I was afraid
15:41that if I told you
15:42who you were
15:43and where your real parents were,
15:44you'd leave and go to them,
15:46which was not too unlikely
15:48at the time, Corinne,
15:49because you blamed
15:50Daddy and me
15:51for your braces
15:52and your bra
15:53and your pimples
15:54and your period.
15:58I lived through
15:59your drinking shoe polish
16:02and eating a worm.
16:07I made ballerina costumes
16:08and baked birthday cakes
16:10and I laughed with you
16:12when you dressed the dog
16:13in Eunice's clothes.
16:17And I cried with you
16:18when Johnny Carrington
16:19left you in the seventh grade
16:21for that hussy Rita Lewis.
16:25Because you were my child.
16:29And you were no less my child
16:31than had you come from my womb.
16:35Corinne, love does not come
16:38from having shared the same body.
16:42Love comes from
16:43having shared a lifetime.
16:47I'm on trial for my life now,
16:49and I know most people would say
16:51that's the most important thing
16:53in the world.
16:56But it's not.
17:00The most important thing
17:02in the world to me right now
17:05is that once I had a little girl
17:09and now she's gone.
17:14I'm going to go now
17:15and I just want you to think
17:17about what I said.
17:22Your room is still there.
17:27Well, look who's here.
17:30The Yale bird.
17:32Ha!
17:33You have no business
17:34to be in my house.
17:36Ma, yes, dear?
17:37Quiet, Corinne.
17:39You kept my child away from me
17:41for 23 years.
17:43For 23 years
17:45I couldn't be with my baby
17:47and I want you never to set foot
17:49near her again.
17:51I want you to go now.
17:5423 years?
17:55Well, you think about that,
17:56because all I know is that
17:58if anyone had taken
17:59my baby away from me,
18:01I would have moved heaven
18:02and earth to find her,
18:04and it wouldn't have taken
18:0523 years.
18:06Ha!
18:16Well, I can just imagine
18:19what she told you.
18:21It must have been
18:22some beautiful story
18:24about how she loved you
18:26and how you were her child
18:27and how she loved you
18:28just as much
18:29as all her other children.
18:33But don't you see, Corinne,
18:35she had a reason to come here
18:36and say all that.
18:38Her high-priced lawyer told her
18:40she mustn't let you
18:42testify against her.
18:44Everything she said, Corinne,
18:48she said to save her own neck.
18:53She lied, Corinne.
19:10Who is it?
19:11It's me.
19:14I got your message, Walter.
19:15What is it?
19:16Where's your wife?
19:17Marilyn's at the hairdresser's.
19:18You won't believe this.
19:19Just look at this.
19:22Oh, adorable, Walter.
19:23You call me over here
19:24in the pouring rain
19:25to look at your spit?
19:26It's the wrong envelope.
19:29Here, look at these.
19:33Oh, my God.
19:34They said they had pictures.
19:35They weren't bluffing.
19:37Oh, my God, Walter.
19:38If anyone ever saw these,
19:40I'm shocked, and I'm in them.
19:44You want $50,000, Eunice.
19:46Walter, do I look like that?
19:50Eunice, come on.
19:51Well, do I?
19:52Do I look that fat?
19:54Oh, from that angle, yes.
19:56Oh, God, I just look awful.
19:58I look like I'm 110 years old.
20:00A man sitting in a tree
20:01doesn't take flattering pictures, Eunice.
20:03Well, then we have a family photographer,
20:05Ben Evans,
20:06who's taken gorgeous pictures of me.
20:08Eunice.
20:09What?
20:10They want $50,000.
20:11Who is it?
20:12Me.
20:13Oh, my God, it's Marilyn.
20:15There.
20:17What? Who is it?
20:18It's me.
20:19Uh, uh, uh, I didn't order tea.
20:21I ordered coffee.
20:22Take it back.
20:23What's wrong with you, jerk?
20:24It's Marilyn.
20:25Now open the damn door.
20:26Uh, right away, dear.
20:27I just have to put this in, uh,
20:29uh, the briefcase.
20:33Hi.
20:34What's the matter with you?
20:35I thought you were at the hairdresser.
20:36He couldn't take me.
20:38Exactly the way I feel about you sometimes.
20:40Listen, let's have, uh, let's have lunch, huh?
20:42Good morning, Walter.
20:43Well, let's have breakfast.
20:44I just had some.
20:45Well, I'll have breakfast,
20:46and you can watch.
20:47Walter, I don't want to go out.
20:49Where are you going?
20:50Open the window.
20:51Get some air in here.
20:52No, no air.
20:53No, I hate air.
20:57I hate air.
20:58Air here is awful.
21:01The city has the worst air in the world.
21:03Then how about some light, Walter?
21:04No, no light.
21:05The light's worse than the air
21:06for my eye condition.
21:07What eye condition?
21:09Blue.
21:13Blue eyes are very sensitive to light.
21:15So sit in the closet.
21:16Oh, come on.
21:20Oh, my God.
21:21What?
21:23It's raining.
21:26So what?
21:29Oh, my God.
21:30Walter.
21:32Are you all right?
21:34I hate heights.
21:36Don't look down.
21:38What?
21:40Nothing.
21:42Walter, you just said something.
21:44No, I was talking to the pigeons.
21:45I hate pigeons.
21:46They're filthy things.
21:48What?
21:49Your speech, sir.
21:55What about my speech?
21:56I'm here to pick it up for the press.
21:58Oh, oh, right, yeah.
22:00Here it is.
22:02Here you go.
22:03Oh, okay.
22:05There.
22:06Hey, all right.
22:07Yeah.
22:08Okay.
22:09Walter, what the hell's the matter with you?
22:11What are you talking about?
22:13You're acting so strange, so jumpy.
22:16I am not.
22:18What's this?
22:19Give me that.
22:24Oh, it's my speech.
22:25Oh, my God.
22:26That means that he got the pictures.
22:32What pictures?
22:33Publicity pictures.
22:52Will Bert be committed or will life continue to be a snap for him?
22:56Will Corinne go to Jessica or stay with Ingrid?
22:59What will Corinne do on Mother's Day?
23:01Will Malou defend Jessica without character witnesses?
23:05Or will he put Al Capone, Tinkerbell, and the Invisible Man on the stand?
23:10Will Eunice get off the ledge?
23:12Will Congressman McCallum get the pictures back?
23:15If he doesn't, will Eunice want to get off the ledge?
23:18These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.
23:26In last week's episode of Soap, Bert, who thinks he's invisible, went to see Dr. Medlow.
23:31Since he isn't really invisible, Dr. Medlow saw Bert.
23:35And from what he saw, he suggested to Mary that she see about having him committed.
23:40While Eunice hid on a ledge to avoid being caught by Congressman McCallum's wife,
23:45a nervous McCallum mistakenly gave the blackmailer's photographs to the New York News.
23:50In these photos, he and Eunice are definitely overexposed.
23:54Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.
24:03This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
24:10These are the Tates.
24:13And these are the Campbells.
24:17And this is Soap.
24:25Get off!
24:27Get off!
24:54Ah!
24:58They said you've knocked twice. I figured they meant on the door.
25:03Watch your step. It's slippery.
25:05Thank you.
25:06Gee, this is incredible.
25:07I know the cops are cracking down, but you girls have to go through this.
25:13Hey, listen, I'm not complaining. I think the wet look is sexy.
25:24Oh!
25:45Ah!
25:48Walter, you scared me to death.
25:49Well, you broke my spine.
25:51What the hell's the matter with you, Eunice? Throwing boxes all over the place.
25:53Well, how in the world was I supposed to know you were in there?
25:55You sure took your time getting here.
25:57Took my time? I'm standing on a ledge in a rainstorm and I took my time?
26:02What was I supposed to do, jump down 38 floors on the messenger to stop him?
26:05No, my luck you'd miss.
26:07Walter!
26:08Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so upset over these pictures.
26:10Look, you take that side, I'll take this.
26:12Hope I can get an appointment with my chiropractor. I think I broke my spinal cord.
26:18Oh, look, Jackie Onassis. What in the world is so terrific about her?
26:22I don't know, Eunice.
26:23I mean, I'd really like to know what everyone gets so excited about.
26:26Look at that, her eyes are too far apart. She's got a jaw like Dick Tracy.
26:30Eunice!
26:33Hurry, they'll be back from lunch.
26:37Oh, for God's sake, Walter.
26:39You know that a researcher at Cornell University claims that popcorn causes heart attacks?
26:44Popcorn?
26:46Two monkeys dropped dead of heart attacks after eating popcorn.
26:50Sorry.
26:51Eunice!
26:53Actually, it probably wasn't the popcorn that killed the monkeys.
26:55It was probably the movie they were watching.
27:02Eunice.
27:03Just trying to lighten things up for him.
27:06It's got to be in one of these.
27:13Give up, we'll never find it.
27:14Oh, no, please, Walter. If the press ever gets those pictures...
27:17There'll be a scandal and I will no longer be a candidate for the Senate.
27:21And I'll lose my seat in the House.
27:23Marilyn will leave me.
27:25You know something, Eunice, it might not be so bad. I mean, think about it.
27:28No more campaign, no more speeches, no more polls, no more rat racing.
27:32Marilyn leaving me, that's something I wanted anyway.
27:34I mean, I'd be a free man.
27:36You'd be free, we'd both be free.
27:38And broke.
27:39So what?
27:40We'll move to an island or something.
27:44We wouldn't need money.
27:45We wouldn't need money. We live on coconuts and bananas.
27:47Oh, in the Caribbean.
27:49Oh, let's make it an island in the Caribbean.
27:51Aruba, I hear that's nice.
27:53Aruba, yes.
27:55Oh, Walter, how wonderful to live on an island.
27:59Hey, who knows, maybe we could open a hotel.
28:03I could cook, I'm a wonderful cook.
28:06What a life.
28:08Nothing but beauty and sunshine and calm.
28:13Walter, when do we leave?
28:15Right away.
28:19Oh, you know something, Eunice, I'm glad this happened, I'm really glad.
28:23Now we can live, never be apart.
28:27Together forever.
28:34Hey, aren't you the guy...
28:35Is that my envelope?
28:36Yeah.
28:37I've got it. We're saved, we're saved, I've got it.
28:39Walter, what about Aruba?
28:41Well, in the middle of my campaign, I'd lose my seat in the house.
28:46I could be a senator, Eunice.
28:49We'll go sometime for a weekend, it'll be fun.
29:16Good morning.
29:20Jody, have you seen Bob?
29:23Bob who?
29:27Bob.
29:29My Bob.
29:31Oh, Bob!
29:32Yeah.
29:33No.
29:37I don't know what happened.
29:38I was in the bathroom, he was still sleeping,
29:41and when I came back, he was gone.
29:43Maybe he ran away.
29:45No, I just...
29:46I just had this awful feeling something happened to him.
29:48Chuck, why don't you sit down, I want to talk to you.
29:51I can't, Jody, I can't sit down and talk, Bob is missing.
29:54Well, maybe by the time we finish talking, Bob might turn up.
29:58You do know where he is, don't you?
30:00Sit down, Chuck.
30:01All right, all right, where is he?
30:02What did you do with him?
30:03Listen, Chuck, recently I've been getting some very nasty notes, like that one.
30:07That's vicious, Chuck, that hurts.
30:10Yes.
30:11Well, I'll have a talk with him.
30:17Chuck, why are you sending me these notes?
30:20What are you talking about, Jody?
30:21You just said Bob was sending these notes.
30:23Chuck, you are Bob.
30:24And if he is, I'm going to sit down and really give him hell for it, that's for sure.
30:27Chuck, for God's sakes, you can't talk to him, you are him.
30:30Every time I try to talk to him, he's on the phone.
30:32He's on the phone.
30:33He's on the phone.
30:34He's on the phone.
30:35He's on the phone.
30:36He's on the phone.
30:37He's on the phone.
30:38Every time I try to talk to you, Bob answers, Chuck.
30:41Hello there.
30:42I'm Gregory...
30:47What's the matter, Jody?
30:48You look upset.
30:51I'd like to talk to Chuck.
30:52Oh, how about talking to me?
30:53I'm in season.
30:54Sleep.
30:55Just like Bob.
30:56No, no, I understand all that.
30:58I don't believe this.
30:59I'm having a conversation with a grapefruit here.
31:03Chuck, look, Chuck, it's food, Chuck, see?
31:05What?
31:06It's just food.
31:07Oh!
31:13Chuck, if you're joking, cut it out.
31:15I just would like to talk to you.
31:17Hooray!
31:21As one fruit to another.
31:27Look, it's food, see?
31:29It's food, Chuck.
31:30You need help, Chuck.
31:32Hello there.
31:33I'm Ian English Milton.
31:34Chuck, no, no, look, Chuck, see?
31:36It's food.
31:37See, Chuck, it's food.
31:38Chuck, you really should see a doctor, Chuck.
31:41Chuck!
31:43For God's sakes, Chuck, listen to me, would you?
31:46Good morning.
31:47Nobody wears a Windsor knot anymore.
31:50I'm going to heat up some bagels.
31:51Anybody want one?
31:52No, thanks.
31:53I'll talk to you later, Chuck.
31:55I love bagels.
31:57Love them.
32:02Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods,
32:05which is something most people don't know,
32:07for instance, there is absolutely no safe way to slice a bagel,
32:11except maybe you get somebody to do it for you.
32:14I mean, you have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half
32:18along with a bagel.
32:19I mean, you go to any synagogue.
32:23I mean, you'll see, a majority of the congregation has a finger missing.
32:27Bagels, babies, end up tossed as being electrocuted.
32:30I mean, you put a bagel in a toaster, right?
32:32One half's always a little too fat.
32:34You squeeze and you're pushing it anyway, right?
32:37And it will come up.
32:38It starts to smoke.
32:39You stick a knife in and get it out.
32:41The lights go out in town and you do a jig.
32:46Which is why I always use the oven and a lot of butter.
32:49I want some butter here.
32:50Here we go.
32:58Oh, my God!
33:00Oh!
33:03You're sick, you know that?
33:05You're really sick.
33:06I could have froze in there.
33:08You could have killed me.
33:10You know, I wouldn't be surprised if you killed Peter.
33:13Yeah.
33:14You try to choke Chuck's reason to eat.
33:16You're sick, you know that?
33:18You know that little light stays on, does it?
33:20Yeah.
33:30What time tonight?
33:32Not tonight, Elaine.
33:34What time?
33:35Elaine, I said not tonight.
33:37I'll be ready at eight.
33:38Uh, Elaine, I think it's time we had a talk.
33:41Oh, please don't.
33:42I mean, it's not one of your strong points.
33:46Listen, Elaine, uh, you're a very nice person
33:50with a tremendous amount of, uh, stamina.
33:55And, uh, I really appreciate you saving my life and everything,
33:58but I think that we shouldn't see each other anymore.
34:02Really?
34:03Yes.
34:04You see, the truth is, I'm not in love with you,
34:07and I'm never gonna be in love with you,
34:10so why continue?
34:11I mean, you don't want a guy around
34:13just because you saved his life and he's grateful.
34:16Plus, which, you're killing me physically.
34:21Plus, which, you're killing me physically.
34:26And that's all I want to say.
34:29Fine.
34:32I'll see you at eight.
34:35Uh, Elaine, didn't you hear what I just said?
34:38It's over.
34:39I heard, I heard, and it's not over.
34:41I'll see you tonight.
34:42Elaine, uh, you won't be seeing me tonight.
34:45Tonight or any other night.
34:48Fine.
34:49Then I'll go tell Daddy to kill you.
34:52That's taking it well?
34:54Listen, Elaine, come on.
34:55You're not in love with me.
34:56Why do you want me around?
34:58You're cute, you're terrific in bed,
35:00and as long as you don't open your mouth,
35:01I can pretend you've got a brain.
35:03So why not come at eight?
35:04We'll have dinner.
35:05Ah, that does it, Elaine.
35:06That's it.
35:07I am not coming back ever.
35:08Goodbye.
35:09Then my father will kill you.
35:11I don't know about that.
35:16Danny, how are you?
35:18Hi, Mr. Lefkowitz.
35:19So, what's up, Danny?
35:21I came to talk to you about Elaine.
35:23Oh, no kidding.
35:25I was just gonna talk to you about the same thing.
35:27Well, you see, we've been seeing a lot of each other lately,
35:30Elaine and me, and, uh, what it gets down to is...
35:32I know, I know.
35:35Listen, you remember that little favor
35:37I said you still had to do?
35:39Yeah.
35:40I'm now ready to tell you what it is.
35:42Yeah?
35:43You are to marry Elaine.
35:49The wedding will take place next month.
35:53It'll be at the plaza.
35:54Oh, the plaza.
35:56The invitations go out tomorrow.
36:00Here's a sample.
36:05You're serious.
36:06Hmm?
36:07Well, one thing.
36:08I checked out your family.
36:09Some strange group, let me tell you.
36:12Tell me about your brother, the Fegula.
36:15Make sure that there's not too many frills on his tuxedo.
36:18I got relatives don't understand these things.
36:21Uh, Mr. Lefkowitz, I don't think you understand.
36:23See, I don't love your daughter.
36:25You will.
36:27No, I don't love her, and I can't marry her.
36:30Danny, when you said you couldn't kill your stepfather,
36:34we said we were gonna kill you.
36:36But then my daughter interceded and saved your life.
36:39But when she did that, I told you,
36:41you're still owed us a favor.
36:43Well, this is it.
36:46You either marry my daughter, or I'll kill you.
36:48It's that simple.
36:49Marry Elaine, or I'll blow your brains out.
36:52So, what's it gonna be?
36:56Is it too late to kill my stepfather?
37:14Bert, I'm home.
37:16Oh, hi there.
37:18Where are you, Bert?
37:20I'm right here. Give me a hand, will you?
37:22Where?
37:24I'm right here.
37:28Oh, my God, you are invisible.
37:31Bert, oh, Bert, wherever you are, I am sorry.
37:35I didn't know.
37:37I thought you were dead.
37:39Bert, I am sorry.
37:41I didn't know.
37:43I thought you were crazy.
37:45I didn't know you really could do it.
37:48That's why I was making plans to commit you.
37:53Commit me?
37:57You were in the closet.
37:59Mary, what do you mean?
38:01I didn't know you were in the closet.
38:03I thought you were invisible.
38:05Commit me? Commit?
38:07Not commit. Not really commit.
38:11Commit.
38:15Put me away?
38:17Mary, you want to put me away?
38:19Bert, it's not putting away.
38:22It's not like the movies.
38:24It's a hospital, a regular hospital.
38:26It's not even an institution.
38:28I'm losing it.
38:30I'm losing it.
38:32What, Bert? What are you losing?
38:34My marbles.
38:36It's like now, like right now, Mary.
38:39Everything gets so clear.
38:41I'm here, right, and you're here,
38:43and we're talking, and everything is good.
38:45But I can't keep it that way.
38:47It won't stay.
38:49I try, Mary. I really try to keep everything
38:52right the way it is, but I...
38:54It starts slipping.
38:56I slip, and then I go away.
38:59And I can't stop it.
39:01I try, Mary. I really try.
39:03I can't help it.
39:06And then I'm gone.
39:09Darling.
39:12That's why you need help, you see.
39:14You need someone to help you, not go.
39:17I'm crazy, Mary.
39:19You're married to a crazy person.
39:21Bert, you're not crazy.
39:23You're just having a little nervous breakdown.
39:26It's more that.
39:28Nervous breakdown, Mary.
39:30A nervous breakdown is something you have
39:32when you gain five pounds.
39:34This is not your nervous breakdown.
39:36This is more your three faces of Eve.
39:38It's not that serious,
39:40and it's just temporary.
39:42Actually, it's your two faces of Bert.
39:44I mean, it's this one, the normal one,
39:47and then the other one that goes away.
39:49I wonder how she got three faces.
39:52But Dr. Medlow says this is just
39:54a temporary reaction to Peter's death.
39:57You just need some professional help.
40:01I'm scared, Mary.
40:04I'm so scared of losing you.
40:06That crazy I'm not, I know I could lose you.
40:09You won't lose me, Bert.
40:11I'm so scared of disappearing into that other world
40:14and never coming back.
40:16Or if I do come back, you'll be gone.
40:19You'll run off with some nice, sensible man
40:21who drives a Volvo and doesn't disappear.
40:27I won't be gone.
40:29I'll never be gone.
40:31And darling, that's why I was going to commit you.
40:36Because I don't want you to go into that world
40:39and not come back.
40:41I'm scared of losing you.
41:00Ooh, so this is the judge's chambers.
41:04You know, I thought it meant bloomers.
41:07Bloomers?
41:09You know, upstairs, downstairs, in my lady's chambers.
41:15So I thought it meant bloomers.
41:17That's why I couldn't understand when they told us
41:19to wait for the judge in his chambers.
41:25Franklin!
41:27What the devil are you doing here?
41:29You said you couldn't defend her.
41:30Well, I'm not here to defend, I'm here to prosecute.
41:33He said he couldn't defend her and he's going to prosecute her.
41:35He's not allowed to do that.
41:37Let me get this straight.
41:38You talked to Mrs. Tate and decided not to defend her?
41:41Right.
41:42What's the matter with you, Counselor?
41:43You're going to be disqualified for that.
41:45That's right.
41:46I've never met this woman.
41:51Ooh, laughter is so infectious.
41:55He's lame.
41:57I've never seen either of these people before.
42:02This is fun.
42:05You sure you're the right man?
42:06Of course this is the man.
42:08All right, all right, I'll tell you.
42:09That was my twin brother.
42:14The lawyer we saw.
42:16Well, we do this to everybody all the time.
42:19We used to drive the teachers in school crazy.
42:22Nobody could tell us apart.
42:24In fact, just last year, we played quite a trick on our wives.
42:31Quite a trick.
42:33Of course, we never told them about it.
42:38So, I guess that clears up this little mystery.
42:42I mean, I've never seen either of you before in my life.
42:46But I have seen you.
42:48Oh, really?
42:49Mm-hmm.
42:50Ten years ago, the Dobrisch case.
42:53You know, I had that one all sewn up until the last day
42:56when you came in with that surprise witness
42:58who I know lied through her teeth.
43:01Of course, the jury fell for it, her being a nun.
43:05I vowed that I'd get even with you, Malou.
43:08Well, here I am.
43:10And oh, boy, have I got a winner this time.
43:15Oh, my God.
43:18What?
43:19Oh, God.
43:20Take it easy, Tate. Take it easy.
43:22What's past is past.
43:24What?
43:25It was only $40,000.
43:27What's $40,000?
43:29I invested it for him and lost it.
43:32Oh, my God.
43:34You must be Mrs. Tate.
43:36How do you do, Your Honor?
43:38We've never met before, but I do know your wife.
43:41Oh, really?
43:42Well, actually, I don't know her in the true sense of the word.
43:45You see, what happened was one day I was driving with my sister
43:48and this person shot straight through a stop sign and almost hit me
43:51and I said, my God, who's that maniac?
43:53And my sister said, that's Judge Petrillo's wife.
44:01That sounds like my late wife.
44:03Oh, God.
44:05I should think with speeding like that, she'd be early, not late.
44:10Oh, I am so sorry, Your Honor.
44:13I had no idea.
44:15All right.
44:16Well, he might have said, my dead wife
44:19or my deceased wife,
44:21but late, late usually means not on time.
44:28Your Honor, if I may,
44:31the stock market was terrible that year.
44:35It was very irregular.
44:37It was terrible that year.
44:39It was very erratic.
44:40Everyone lost money.
44:41I lost money.
44:43Now, what's $40,000?
44:45My son didn't care that much about going to college.
44:50He's doing very nicely at the taco stand.
44:55Oh, God.
45:00The grand jury has come down with a murder one indictment.
45:03I would consider reducing the charges to murder two with a plea of guilty.
45:07Never.
45:08Well, then how about reducing the charges with a plea of insanity, Counselor?
45:12Sounds good to me.
45:15I think the whole thing's insane.
45:18Do I love this? Do I love this case?
45:22Your Honor, would it be all right if I ask one question?
45:26Of course.
45:27There is something I'm just dying to know.
45:30Why do you wear those robes?
45:32Oh, God.
45:35Oh, tradition, I expect, Mrs. Tate.
45:37I'll bet anything you're hiding a perfectly lovely $300 suit under that tacky $20 robe.
45:44Let me see.
45:46Come on now, let me see.
45:48No, no, no, Mrs. Tate.
45:49Now, let me see what you've got hiding under there.
45:52Mrs. Tate, Mrs. Tate.
45:54Stop it.
45:56All right.
46:03Okay, Counselor, we start selecting the jury tomorrow.
46:05Thank you, Your Honor.
46:06Mrs. Tate.
46:11Really, Your Honor, even I lost money.
46:14It's forgotten, Tate, it's forgotten.
46:17Good.
46:19After all, my father only had a couple of more years on that kidney machine.
46:23Hey, he was old, had to go sometime.
46:26Hey, he was old, had to go sometime.
46:31See all you folks in court.
46:33Tom.
46:35Oh, God.
46:47Will Danny marry Elaine?
46:49Or will he ask Mr. Lefkowitz to blow his brains out?
46:52Will Bert allow himself to be committed?
46:55And if he does, will he allow himself to be seen?
46:58Since the judge lost a lot of money and he doesn't find it funny,
47:02and though Chester says he's sorry and the judge says not to worry,
47:06will Jessica get the chair even though it isn't fair because the judge holds a grudge?
47:12These questions and many others will be answered on next week's episode of Soap.