Soap Season 2 Episode 1
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00:00In the last episode of Soap, Carol convinced Jodi to share an apartment not as lovers,
00:07but as friends, even though we know she'd love to be lovers.
00:10And speaking of lovers, Dennis told Jodi he'd love to have him back.
00:14Father Tim decided not to remain a father, but to become a husband and ask Corinne to marry him.
00:19Corinne loves the idea.
00:21Mr. Lefkowitz told Danny he'd kill his entire family if Danny didn't marry Elaine.
00:26Danny said he'd love to.
00:28Jessica Malou, Jessica's lawyer, told Jessica he loved her.
00:31And Jessica would have loved to have heard not guilty from the jury.
00:34Since she didn't, she'd love to know who did it.
00:36Who did? Was it Chester? Jodi? Corinne? Benson? Bert?
00:41Wouldn't you love to know?
00:42Stay tuned for this week's episode of Soap.
00:48This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell.
00:55These are the Tates.
00:57And these are the Campbells.
01:01And this is Soap.
01:25Benson, would you make us all some coffee, please?
01:29I can't.
01:30I beg your pardon?
01:31I can't. I'm too depressed.
01:33I'll make the coffee, Chester.
01:35No, no, Mary, please. This is Benson's job.
01:37I can't make no coffee. Mrs. Tate's in jail. I can't make coffee. I just gotta sit.
01:43You want coffee? You make it.
01:45I'll make the coffee.
01:47No, Eunice, I'll make it.
01:48No, Mary, you sit.
01:49All right, tell me how I'll make it.
01:50Come on, I'll do it.
01:51No, Ricky, stay with Chester.
01:53Let me, okay?
01:54No, Corinne, your coffee is terrible.
01:56Then don't drink it.
01:57I don't want coffee.
01:58I just want a thrisker.
01:59You can have tea. Tea's easy.
02:00Get some whipped cream. I'll make some cappuccino.
02:02All right, that's fine.
02:04Forget the coffee.
02:07Let's all just sit.
02:10That's what I said in the first place.
02:14I checked out the jail, and according to my calculations,
02:18a tank or a two-man bazooka team could bring the wall down.
02:23Wonderful.
02:25Why don't you go outside and check for enemy planes?
02:28Yep.
02:30Now, the important thing is for us to be cool,
02:33to just sit and think,
02:35because we all know in our heart of hearts
02:37that Jessica is incapable of violence.
02:39Never in a million years, under any circumstances,
02:41could Jessica possibly have committed the crime.
02:44So with that in mind,
02:46what we have to do now is to calmly and coolly
02:50try to figure out which one of you rats did, huh?
02:53Which one?
02:54Which one of you stinking, bloodthirsty camels?
02:57Camels? Camels?
02:58How about you taste you, you dazzling thief?
03:00Whoa!
03:01Don't push me, Bert!
03:03Hey! Hey! Come on! Get out of here!
03:11I ain't cleaning that.
03:21Oh, Bert, look what you've done.
03:24Don't touch him.
03:26Chester, are you all right?
03:33Fine. I'm fine.
03:35I'm terribly sorry.
03:38Would you all excuse me for a moment?
03:40Just go on with what you're doing.
03:51Well, that's it. I can't go on.
03:54My life is over.
03:55My wife is in jail, the only one I've ever really loved.
03:58My career is over.
03:59I'll be in jail for embezzlement.
04:01I can't go on.
04:03Might as well end it all.
04:05I'll leave a note.
04:07Paper. I need paper.
04:11The important thing is how to do it.
04:14I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain.
04:18I want it pleasant.
04:21That's wonderful, Tate. You want a pleasant suicide.
04:23Why don't you have it catered?
04:29There's not a piece of paper in this kitchen.
04:41Never thought I'd be writing a note like this.
04:43Never.
04:45That doesn't look right.
04:47S-U-A-C-I-D-E?
04:50It's S-U-I, I think.
04:52No, no, that would be suicide.
04:55Doesn't matter.
04:56They'll find a body sprawled on the note.
04:58They'll figure it out.
05:09That's not the smartest thing I've ever done in my life,
05:12considering I'm not too crazy about heights.
05:14What? What can you do?
05:20Arnold, what happened? Are you wounded?
05:23What do you want?
05:25A tank, sir. I need a tank.
05:27Fine. Take one. Take two.
05:30Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
05:32Ha!
05:42Hey, Chester.
05:47Listen, Chester, I... Look, I just wanted to apologize.
05:50I'm just... I'm sorry.
05:52Oh, it's okay, Bert.
05:57Chester, there's a knife in your door.
06:00Yes, I know. It makes a good handle.
06:04Oh, I don't know. If you had to get out of here in a hurry,
06:07you could leave two fingers in the kitchen.
06:09It's dull.
06:10Oh, it's fine.
06:11These are all dull. All these knives are dull.
06:13They're fine, Bert.
06:14Come on, listen. Let me sharpen them for you.
06:15I got a wheel right out of my truck.
06:16No, they're fine. We like them dull.
06:18Yeah, but they won't cut like this.
06:19We don't use them for cutting. We use them for spreading butter.
06:21Or for door handles.
06:22No, I'll tell you what. I'll make them as good as new.
06:26The knives are gone. The oven's electric.
06:29What am I supposed to do?
06:30Jump in the blender and puree myself to death?
06:34Do you realize that there's still a murderer running around loose?
06:47The colonel will be driving one tank.
06:49I'll be driving the other.
06:51We shall rendezvous at 0700.
06:53So everyone synchronize your watches.
06:56It is now three-ish.
07:00I wonder where the murderer is.
07:02Why, they're right here.
07:05You think I did it, don't you?
07:07I know you think I did it. You've been staring at me all day.
07:11Please, you.
07:12Everybody's looking at me like I'm Jack the Ripper.
07:15Corinne, they're not looking at you. They've been looking at me.
07:17I think it was the color guy.
07:21Nina, Nina!
07:22Wait a minute!
07:29Nina!
07:43All I have to do is let go of the rope and I'll be dead.
07:52I wonder how good an idea this is.
07:54I mean, what'll it solve?
07:56No, this is silly. Suicide is not the answer.
07:59Here you go, Chester. Sharpen them when you're bored.
08:19To the right! To the right!
08:21I'm going to the right!
08:22That's not the right, genius. That's the left.
08:24That's the right, because I write with this hand and I'm a righty.
08:27Oh, yeah?
08:28Yeah.
08:29Well, I wear my wedding ring in my left hand, so how come it's on the same side as your boat?
08:32Well, it...
08:34Well...
08:36Well...
08:38Because Danny's right is your left.
08:40Right.
08:41So?
08:42So?
08:43So when you said move it to the right, he moved to his right, which is your left.
08:46Right.
08:47Well, you should have known. When I say move to the right, I am referring to the right, which I can see.
08:51My right, which is his left.
08:52So when you say move to the right, any idiot knows he moved to the left.
08:55You call me an idiot?
08:56I don't want to see that.
08:57Come on, cut it out. I can't hold this anymore.
08:59All right, come on.
09:00Come on. To the right now. My right.
09:03Go!
09:04That's it.
09:05Come on.
09:06Coming in.
09:07It's stuck.
09:09It's nothing.
09:11Well, it's different.
09:12The company comes over, they can sit down before they come in.
09:16Let it rest a while. It's probably swollen.
09:23Danny, this is a couch, not a foot.
09:26Same principle.
09:30Hey, Jody.
09:31Hey, this is a nice, this is a really nice place you got here.
09:36To the place.
09:37To the place.
09:38To the place.
09:39There you go.
09:42Makes me think of the first time I had my own place.
09:44It was a lot different, though.
09:46For one thing, I didn't have a couch and a door.
09:50Hi.
09:52Hey, Carol.
09:53Listen, I think maybe you better leave the furniture arranging to me.
09:57Carol and I are sharing the apartment.
09:58Oh.
10:04It's platonic.
10:05Platonic? Sounds kinky.
10:07We're roommates.
10:09There's roommates. All right, that's roommates.
10:11All right.
10:12Room, room, room, roommates.
10:14Well, you call it what you want.
10:15That's what it is.
10:16Hey, come on, Jody. Today's today. Won't you get the door closed?
10:19It's not like that.
10:20I wish it were.
10:21Okay, that's all right, all right.
10:22I believe you.
10:23I always knew he wasn't like the loafers.
10:26Hi.
10:27Oh.
10:28Hi.
10:29Brought you a little housewarming present.
10:30Oh, I bet you did.
10:31It's who?
10:32Who are you?
10:33What's your name?
10:34Dennis Phillips.
10:35Dennis Phillips, the quarterback, right?
10:36Right.
10:37Well, I'm so excited.
10:38You live in this building, right?
10:39Do you know who this is?
10:40That's Dennis Phillips.
10:41I know.
10:42And he brings you a fern.
10:43What a sweet guy.
10:47He lives in a building.
10:48Dennis Phillips lives in your own building.
10:49I can't believe this.
10:50Listen, on Mondays, I'll come over.
10:51We'll discuss the games together.
10:52Hey, I'm Bert. How are you doing?
10:53Thanks.
11:09But you're Dennis Phillips, the quarterback.
11:11I know.
11:12Let go of my hand.
11:14Listen, why don't we get out of here?
11:16We got the trucks waiting for us downstairs.
11:18And Jody's got all his friends here.
11:20He's got his girlfriend.
11:21He's got his boyfriend.
11:31I'm also planning on writing a book on prison reform.
11:34I don't really know what prison reform is,
11:36but since I'm going to be here so long,
11:37I'll certainly have time to find out.
11:40So you see, Mary, everything's fine.
11:43Oh, Jessie, you are incredible.
11:45You could find the good in absolutely anything.
11:48I will, Mary. I look for it.
11:50I look for it.
11:52Uh-oh.
11:53What is it?
11:55Oh, Mary.
11:56What is it, Jessie?
11:57Sex.
11:59Sex?
12:01Mary, do you realize that prisons are full of men and women
12:04who aren't getting any sex?
12:07Well, no wonder criminals say you'll never take me alive.
12:11Mary, what am I going to do?
12:13Well, Jess, I think that you're just going to have to do without it.
12:21Are you crazy?
12:24I do.
12:25You still do?
12:26Well, at first Bert couldn't, and then I wouldn't,
12:29and then he could, and now I would,
12:31but now he can't because he's never home.
12:33Where is he?
12:34Well, he's working very hard lately,
12:36Where is he?
12:37Well, he's working very hard lately,
12:39and by the time he gets home, I'm asleep.
12:41I think I'll put these in water.
12:43Mary, I know what you're thinking,
12:45but just because Chester always told me he was working late
12:48when actually he was fooling around,
12:50you don't have to think that Bert's doing the same thing.
12:53I wasn't thinking anything like that.
12:55Yes, you were.
12:56No, I wasn't.
12:57Of course you were.
12:58Mary, look, in the first place,
13:00Chester could not possibly have been working late
13:02because he was a stockbroker,
13:03and, of course, the stock market closes at 4 in the afternoon.
13:06Bert, on the other hand, is in construction.
13:08Jessie, they don't put up buildings at night.
13:13Well, Chester was always tired.
13:16Now, that's another very good clue, Mary.
13:18Enormous fatigue.
13:20But Bert's tired.
13:21Oh, well, that's because of all of his physical activity.
13:25I bet.
13:26Mary, the man works with his hands.
13:29I'm sure he does.
13:32Mary, Bert is not having an affair,
13:34if that's what you're thinking.
13:37Jessica, how can they do this to you?
13:39I've never seen such a miscarriage of justice.
13:41My poor, sweet Jessica.
13:43I love you.
13:44Hair.
13:45It's the most beautiful color I've ever seen.
13:47What did you call it?
13:48Red.
13:49Oh, red.
13:52I think I'll go now.
13:56I'll see you tomorrow, Jess.
13:58Who says there's no sex in prison?
14:02Jessica.
14:03Hmm?
14:04I'll find him.
14:05I promise you I will find him.
14:07Who?
14:08The killer.
14:09I'll find him.
14:10As God is my judge, I'll find him.
14:11I'll go to the ends of the earth.
14:13I'll sail every sea, climb every mountain,
14:15look at every corner of the world.
14:17Well, be extra safe and get a typhoid shot.
14:21You will have a reaction to it, but it'll be worth it,
14:24because then you won't have to worry about
14:26every little foreign thing you put in your mouth.
14:30Oh, Jessica, Jessica, what are we going to do?
14:33You dear, brave, sweet woman, I love you.
14:36Eyes.
14:37I love you, eyes.
14:39See you tomorrow, Jess.
14:42I love you, suit.
14:46How are you, Mrs. Saint?
14:48Okay.
14:49I brought you some food.
14:51I know you can't eat the stuff they got here.
14:53Oh, thank you, Benson.
14:54That's very nice of you.
14:55Mm-hmm.
14:56Are you okay?
14:57I'm fine.
14:58You sure?
14:59Yes.
15:00Positive?
15:01No.
15:03I'm scared, Benson.
15:06I mean, every once in a while it just kind of hits me
15:08I'm on my way to the big home for a murder.
15:10House, house.
15:13Big house.
15:14You're right.
15:15Yeah, for a murder I did not commit.
15:17I mean, me, Benson.
15:19This is not Barbara Felden in that movie of the week.
15:21Eden, Barbara Eden.
15:24Right, and here I am, and it isn't a movie,
15:26and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam,
15:28but me.
15:29Slammer.
15:32Time's up.
15:37Well,
15:39guess we better say goodbye, Benson.
15:41Yeah, I guess.
15:43Goodbye, Benson.
15:50Oh, Benson.
15:53Not you.
15:55Look, you've got to be strong.
15:58I mean, if you fall apart, there's not going to be anybody left.
16:03I'll see you soon.
16:07Goodbye, Benson.
16:13Goodbye, Mrs. Tate.
16:25May you promise to be nice.
16:27Hey, good goose, of course I'm going to be nice to her.
16:29What do you think your mother is?
16:31I wouldn't be nice to the girl you're going to marry.
16:33Oh.
16:34Dearie, I made some pate.
16:37I hope you like it.
16:39Most people claim that they spit the pate out in France
16:42once they've tasted mine.
16:44What do they know in East Orange, right?
16:46Honey, get me some napkins.
16:48Oh, what a lovely dress.
16:51Oh, what a lovely dress.
16:54Oh, that's lovely.
16:56Very lovely.
16:58You've ruined my life, you slut!
17:00I hate you!
17:01All that pate, it lodged in your windpipe!
17:03Oh, you have ruined my life!
17:10I'm sorry.
17:12I lost my head.
17:14Oh, I'm sorry.
17:15I don't know what came over me.
17:17I have a kidney infection.
17:20Maybe that's it.
17:21Oh, all that poison circulating in my body.
17:24Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
17:26Are you all right?
17:27Yeah, I'm fine.
17:30So, I still don't know very much about you,
17:33except what I heard around.
17:34That your mother is an adulteress
17:36and your father's an embezzler.
17:37And you bimbo, you probably had more men in the whole Marine Corps.
17:40You have ruined my life!
17:41You drag!
17:46You want my blessing?
17:47Is that what you came for?
17:48I'll give you my blessing.
17:49This is my blessing.
17:51May you never have a happy moment again for the rest of your life.
17:53And if you marry, may you know no such thing as peace and quiet.
17:56May you only know hardship and suffering and loss.
17:58And may you know that until your dying day,
18:00whatever misfortunes happen, are on your heads!
18:07I can't believe it!
18:08Neither can I.
18:10Actually, she took it better than I thought.
18:18Hello, hello!
18:20Jess?
18:22Oh, thank you.
18:24How are you, darling?
18:25Well, I'm a little nervous.
18:27I mean, after all, it isn't every day that a girl gets sentenced.
18:34Hear ye, hear ye.
18:35This court is now in session.
18:36The Honorable Anthony Petrillo presiding.
18:39Everybody.
18:43Everybody, please stand.
18:47Be seated.
18:50Well, the defendant, please rise.
18:52He just told me to be seated.
18:57Now, Mrs. Tate, you have been found guilty of murder in the first degree.
19:01Have you anything to say before I pronounce sentence?
19:03Yes.
19:05I didn't do this.
19:07I'm innocent.
19:11But, if the person is here who did it,
19:16please help me.
19:20Thank you.
19:42All right, I'm going to close my eyes now.
19:48Nobody will be embarrassed.
19:51Well, there doesn't seem to be a great traffic jam to the bench,
19:56so I'll go on.
19:57Mrs. Tate, you have what some people would perceive as certain advantages.
20:02You are white and you are rich.
20:04If the sentence is light,
20:06the court will be besieged with complaints from the poor and black.
20:10Therefore, in order not to appear prejudiced
20:13and to be fair in arriving at a sentence,
20:15I have ignored the fact that you are white and rich
20:19and have pretended that you are poor and black.
20:26I sentence you to 50 years in prison,
20:28eligible for parole in 25 years.
20:31I object, Your Honor. This sentence is unfair and excessive.
20:34Objection overruled. The court is adjourned.
20:50Wait. Wait, everybody. She didn't do it.
20:54Order in the court.
20:55Mr. Tate, what are you talking about?
20:58I did it.
21:00He is the piece.
21:02He is the piece.
21:04He is the piece.
21:06He is the piece.
21:08He is the piece.
21:10He is the piece.
21:12He is the piece.
21:14He is the piece.
21:16He is the piece.
21:18He is the piece.
21:23No, I really did it.
21:24Mr. Tate, that was a very nice gesture.
21:27Now sit down.
21:29It's not a gesture. I murdered Peter Campbell.
21:31Mr. Tate, the jury convicted Mrs. Tate.
21:34I don't care.
21:37I killed Peter Campbell, and I can prove it.
21:49Jessica.
21:53I hope you can understand.
21:55Understand?
21:58How can I understand, Chester?
22:01I mean, I was in jail for what I thought would be at least a lifetime.
22:05Away from my family and away from home.
22:07I find out that my husband set me up, and you hope that I can understand.
22:11Well, Chester, I just don't understand how you can expect me to understand.
22:15No, you're right. I can't expect her to.
22:18All I know is, Jess, and I swear it,
22:21I don't remember anything of what I did.
22:25I guess it was so horrible that I blocked it out somehow.
22:28Not only do I not remember it, I still don't know why I did it.
22:32And I only remembered it when the pot fell on my head.
22:37A pot fell on your head?
22:40Well, that's a long story.
22:43Well, that's a long story, Jess.
22:45Chester, are you asking me to believe that you killed someone,
22:49made it look like I did it, and you don't remember a thing about what you did
22:52until a pot fell on your head?
22:55I guess that is asking a lot.
22:59I love you, Jess.
23:03Hello, everybody.
23:05See, I told you I wouldn't lose this case.
23:07Listen, I gotta hand it to you, Tate.
23:09It was really big of you the way you spoke up. Really big.
23:12Time's up, Tate. Let's go.
23:16Chester, I'll see you tomorrow.
23:22I can't believe it. In one fell swoop, all our problems are over.
23:25You're out, he's in.
23:28You must handle his appeal.
23:30That's a good idea. That way he'll never get out.
23:33What do you mean?
23:35What I mean is, darling, I'll make sure he stays in prison forever.
23:38Then it's you and me. Just you and me.
23:41I don't believe it.
23:43Neither do I. It's such incredible luck.
23:45Get out. Just get out.
23:48Okay. You got a lot on your mind right now.
23:50I'll tell you what. I'll call you later.
23:53See you, baby.
24:09What are you doing? It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
24:11I can't sleep. I'm making spaghetti.
24:14Spaghetti? You couldn't make something simple?
24:16The refrigerator's full of fruit.
24:18I'm really in the mood for spaghetti.
24:20You wanna talk about it?
24:22Spaghetti?
24:24What's bothering you, Billy?
24:26Oh, nothing. My dad killed someone to frame my mom.
24:28But aside from that, everything's fine.
24:30Listen, I'm not crazy about your father. You know that.
24:32In fact, I think I'd be the last person in the world to say anything nice about him.
24:36I gotta say this. He did confess.
24:38He didn't let her fry.
24:40Big deal. So he's an honest murderer.
24:44What are you doing up? It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
24:46We're making spaghetti.
24:48We are not making spaghetti. You are making spaghetti.
24:50In the middle of the night? What are you, crazy?
24:52Well, what are you doing?
24:54I'm making something to eat.
24:56What is this making something to eat? The refrigerator's full of fruit.
24:58I don't want fruit. I'm making chocolate mousse.
25:00I thought you were on a diet.
25:02I'm making dietetic chocolate mousse.
25:04Dietetic chocolate mousse? Right.
25:06How do you make dietetic chocolate mousse? It's easy.
25:08You make chocolate mousse, and then you don't eat it.
25:10You're not gonna eat it.
25:12Not all of it. Anyway, what do I care?
25:14I'm too upset to care what I eat, so I gain 200 pounds.
25:16My father killed someone to set up my mother,
25:18and I'm gonna count calories.
25:20Look at this one.
25:22She's so upset, she's not even cooking.
25:24What are you eating? I don't know.
25:26I think it's chili.
25:28You're eating cold chili?
25:30I don't care.
25:32I'm too upset to care.
25:34You know, some people, when they're upset, can't eat a thing.
25:36I wish I was one of those.
25:38So do I.
25:40I can't believe it.
25:42It's like a nightmare.
25:44Daddy killed somebody. He's a murderer.
25:46Our father is a murderer.
25:48Well, strange people do strange things,
25:50and your father's certainly a strange man,
25:52so you don't know... He's a murderer, Benson.
25:54I just wonder if it's hereditary, you know,
25:56like, if it's in the genes.
25:58Like, I've already inherited a little asthma
26:00and a large chest.
26:02The idea of murder doesn't thrill me.
26:04Hey, it could be worse. You could be her.
26:06She has a lot of asthma and a little chest.
26:10Oh, everyone's up.
26:12Well, I...
26:14I just thought that I'd come down
26:16and make something to eat.
26:18Have some fruit.
26:20No, I don't think so.
26:22I think I'm going to make my own snack.
26:24What are you doing?
26:26Me?
26:28I'm in the mood for turkey.
26:30But it's frozen.
26:32Well, it'll thaw out when I cook it.
26:34Yeah, in about two days.
26:36Oh, well, I wanted something
26:38to eat before then.
26:40Well, have some fruit.
26:42No, I don't want any fruit.
26:44You're really pushing the fruit.
26:46Well, it's just that I buy it and nobody eats it.
26:48A few days, I open the refrigerator,
26:50and it's full of little brown, furry wrinkled things.
26:52Billy, did you put your hamsters
26:54in the refrigerator?
26:56Rotten fruit is in the refrigerator.
26:58Rotten fruit? Benson,
27:00you mustn't buy rotten fruit.
27:04On second thought, I don't think
27:06I'll eat anything. I lost my appetite.
27:10Guess you're all waiting for me to say something.
27:12I'm waiting for you to give me the turkey.
27:20I don't know what to say, except that
27:22no matter what,
27:24I still love your father.
27:26But, Ma, he killed somebody
27:28and he framed you.
27:30Well, it certainly does look that way.
27:34Oh, I wish I were Donna Reed.
27:36I mean,
27:38Donna Reed would have something wonderful to say.
27:40Or even Shirley Jones,
27:42for that matter. She'd have something just as good to say
27:44and maybe even fresh-baked cookies.
27:46Or Loretta Young.
27:48Of course, she wouldn't have anything wonderful to say,
27:50but she would make a stunning entrance.
27:52Well, I'm gonna make a stunning exit.
27:54Good night.
27:56Good night, Benson.
28:00I just don't believe that it's as simple as it seems.
28:02I mean, I don't believe that you live
28:04half your life with a man and not really know him.
28:06Your father's a good man.
28:08You all loved him when he was here for birthdays
28:10and Christmas.
28:12You loved him when he took you to the ballet.
28:16When he bought you your first tie.
28:18You loved him when he taught you to swim
28:20and drive the car.
28:22Remember?
28:24I mean, you all loved him
28:26all those years that he was here for you.
28:30I just think that
28:32if you really love your father,
28:34you'll love him now.
28:421,996.
28:442,997.
28:462,997.
28:482,998.
28:502,999.
28:5223,000.
28:54It's Thursday.
28:56I can't go on like this.
28:58I can't go on being alone like this.
29:00That's why I have to keep talking to myself.
29:02Oh, if only a bird would fly in
29:04to keep me company, that would be so nice.
29:06I remember how it helped Burt Lancaster.
29:10Roommate tape.
29:12Oh, thank God, somebody to talk to.
29:14You don't know how happy I am to see you.
29:16You just don't know how happy I am.
29:18Shut up.
29:20Oh, well, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
29:22You're not happy to be here.
29:24That's terrible of me to say that I'm happy that you're here.
29:26You see, what I mean is...
29:28Uh, oh, excuse me.
29:30That's mine.
29:32Not anymore, it ain't.
29:34Uh, yes, I see.
29:36Well, what'll I shave with?
29:38Every morning,
29:40I'll rub your face against the wall.
29:44What?
29:46You'll rub my face
29:48against the wall?
29:50Oh, I see.
29:52They've given me a funny roommate.
29:54I like that.
29:56You'll rub my face against the wall.
29:58I want that tooth, the gold one.
30:00Open up.
30:02Mine?
30:04You're a funny fellow.
30:06I like your sense of humor.
30:08What do you expect me to do, rip it out?
30:10Right.
30:12I'm wanted in ten states.
30:14Murder?
30:16Oh, my God, what if they put me in?
30:18Help! Help!
30:20What are you in here for?
30:28Murder.
30:32What's so funny?
30:34Murder. You?
30:36What did you do?
30:38Bore somebody to death?
30:42Yeah.
30:48What's so funny?
30:50You? Oh, no, not you, no, no.
30:52Uh, what you said, that cute little thing
30:54you said about my being boring.
30:56You laugh when I tell you to laugh, you understand?
31:02All right, entertain me.
31:04Dance.
31:08I beg your pardon?
31:10Dance?
31:12You mean la-di-da dance?
31:14I mean dance now or you're gonna have trouble
31:16walking later.
31:18Oh, yes, dance, dance, that kind of dance.
31:20Well, I may be a little rusty.
31:22What would you like, tap, ballet, a little Martha Graham, maybe?
31:24I can't dance.
31:26I can't just dance.
31:28I need music.
31:30Sing.
31:34Picture you
31:36upon my knee
31:38Tea for two and two for tea
31:52Don't touch me.
31:54Who?
31:56You lay one finger on me
31:58and I'll break it off.
32:00What?
32:02Coming home at four in the morning.
32:04I was working.
32:06What are you, a night watchman?
32:08Dumb.
32:12Uh, wait a minute, uh, Mary, uh, what are you talking about?
32:14What am I talking about?
32:16What am I talking about? I will tell you what I'm talking about.
32:18I am talking about all these weeks
32:20we haven't made love because you've been
32:22working till four o'clock in the morning.
32:24And I was stupid enough to believe it.
32:26Well, now I know what you've really been doing till four o'clock
32:28in the morning, Bert. I figured it out.
32:30And it's not work.
32:36What is it?
32:38You don't know.
32:40No.
32:42How can you not know? You're the one that's doing it.
32:44Doing what?
32:46Having an affair.
32:48I am?
32:50Yes.
32:52With who?
32:54I don't know who.
32:56Well, I mean, am I having a good time?
32:58Why can't you just admit it?
33:00Because it's not true, Mary. Good night, Mary.
33:02You are going to sleep?
33:04Well,
33:06you have got some nerve, you know that?
33:08You kill my husband.
33:10You become impotent.
33:12Then you become invisible and get yourself committed.
33:14I stand by you through all of that
33:16and as soon as you get better, you go out and have an affair.
33:18Oh, yeah?
33:20Well, if I'm not having an affair till four o'clock in the morning,
33:22why, when I get home, do I wake you up
33:24to make love?
33:26Why in the world would I do that?
33:28To trick me.
33:30Nightmare.
33:32It's just like the married man who was having an affair
33:34and had to eat two dinners every night.
33:36One with his mistress and one with his wife.
33:38Of course, he became a fat slob
33:40and they both adopted him.
33:42Served him right.
33:44Wake up!
33:46What are you doing?
33:48I'm sleeping downstairs.
33:50Why? Because I'm getting mad.
33:52You can't be mad.
33:54What do you mean I can't be mad?
33:56You're the one that's having the affair. I'm the one that's mad.
33:58Oh, you, Mary, are a dope.
34:00That's what you are, a real dope.
34:02First of all, I'm not having an affair.
34:04I am not having an affair.
34:06Nor do I want to have an affair.
34:08And if I was having an affair, I would be a hell of a lot smarter
34:10than to have it at four o'clock in the morning
34:12and tell you I was working.
34:14I'd have my affair at a totally different time of day.
34:16A time of day when you wouldn't be suspicious
34:18and I wouldn't be so sleepy.
34:20Yeah, I have been coming home
34:22at four o'clock in the morning, Mary,
34:24because I've been killing myself, working to make a better life for us.
34:26That's what I've been doing.
34:28All day I'm up in the girders supervising every job.
34:30At night I'm in the office, eh?
34:32Doing paperwork.
34:34I got bills, payrolls, invoices.
34:36Don't cry, Mary, like you always do when I'm mad.
34:38So I'll stop yelling, because it's not going to work.
34:40I knew it.
34:44I can't help it.
34:46I've been so upset about everything.
34:48Danny, Jody, the Tates.
34:50I don't know what to think anymore, and that's why.
34:52Oh.
34:56Blow your nose.
34:58Oh.
35:00Blow out, Mary, not in.
35:02I'm sorry.
35:04I'm sorry I said all those terrible things,
35:06but everyone else I love
35:08is either in jail
35:10or getting out of jail or getting married
35:12or moving out, and so
35:14I figured, why not you too?
35:16I mean, every time you look at me, I am crying.
35:18I'm not exactly
35:20the most enchanting woman
35:22in the world these days.
35:24You aren't me.
35:26How can I be?
35:28Because I love you.
35:30I don't know why.
35:32You don't know why, you?
35:34You blow your nose in instead of out.
35:36You pull all the covers over to your side
35:38when you sleep.
35:40You take food off my plate, and you have never, ever
35:42ironed one of my shirts correctly,
35:44and I think that that's all adorable.
35:46If I didn't love you,
35:48I would have divorced you by now.
35:50And that's how I know.
35:52I just love you.
35:56Bert.
35:58I'm a dope.
36:00I love you.
36:06I iron your shirts terrible?
36:08It's all right.
36:10No, no, I want the truth.
36:12I do an awful job.
36:14Yeah, Mary, it's really terrible.
36:16I have collars. Did you know that?
36:18You should try ironing your collars.
36:20It's all right, Mary, stop.
36:22We'll send the shirts out.
36:26And start to bake
36:28sugar cake for me to take
36:30for all the boys to see.
36:32We will raise a family.
36:34Boy for you,
36:36a girl for me.
36:38Can't you see how happy we will be?
36:40Jess.
36:42Chester, it's so nice to see you
36:44enjoying prison life.
36:46I mean, there I was at home worried sick about him
36:48and here he is singing and dancing.
36:50I brought you some food.
36:52If I'd known you had a roommate, I would have brought more.
36:54Oh, that's okay. He's not having any.
36:56Oh, why?
36:58Upset stomach.
37:02They put me in with a killer.
37:04Well, of course they did, dear.
37:06I imagine they do it like computer dating.
37:10You two have a great deal in common.
37:14I'm not a killer.
37:16Now, Chester, I know you don't think of yourself as a killer.
37:18I'm sure you consider yourself primarily a stockbroker.
37:20Nonetheless, Chester...
37:22I did kill Peter.
37:24There's no denying that.
37:26It's just... it's all so confusing.
37:28I know it is, dear.
37:30And we know that there's more to this
37:32than meets the eye.
37:34And I want you to know, Chester,
37:36we're all standing by you.
37:38Thank you, Jess.
37:40Now, while you're here,
37:42why don't you go for work in the prison laundry?
37:46The laundry?
37:48That way you'll come out with a skill.
37:52You see, darling, when you do get out,
37:54I think the idea of going back to Wall Street
37:56is out of the question.
37:58Time's up.
38:00Oh, dear. Goodbye. I'll see you next week.
38:02Ciao.
38:08You can forget about seeing her next week.
38:10You ain't gonna be here next week.
38:12Oh, no.
38:14Oh, no, please don't.
38:16Oh, no, please, I beg you.
38:18Come off your knees, Tate, for God's sake.
38:20I can't believe you're in here for murder.
38:22Listen,
38:24tomorrow I'm escaping.
38:26You are?
38:28I'll miss you.
38:32You're coming with me, Tate.
38:34As a shield.
38:36This way, when they start shooting at me, I got you to put in front of me.
38:38I'm not going.
38:40You are.
38:42I'll tell the guard.
38:44I'll tell the guard.
38:46You're coming with me, Tate.
38:48I am not.
38:50You are, too?
38:52No way.
38:54You're coming, Tate.
38:56Absolutely not.
38:58Then I'll kill you.
39:00When do we leave?
39:02Hi.
39:04Well, did you see Elaine?
39:06I told her that I had this family disease
39:08and I finally just caught it the other day
39:10and that if she wanted to marry me, she'd have absolutely
39:12nothing to look forward to in the bed department.
39:14Great. So what happened?
39:18A girl knows a lot of tricks.
39:28Annie, she took me by surprise.
39:30So now we have to pick out
39:32presents for the ushers.
39:34Yeah.
39:36Hey, why should I worry? I mean, at the rate she's got me going,
39:38I won't live to see October.
39:40I got to go to work. I'll see you later.
39:42All right. Give my love to Mom.
39:44Yeah.
39:46Oh, did I just miss a very popular sports figure?
39:48It happened to have been Danny.
39:50Really? You mean it wasn't the Rose Bowl queen?
39:52Carol, what is it with you?
39:54Nothing. I just had no idea
39:56that when we took an apartment together, it'd be like living in the Continental Bands.
39:58Carol, I've had it with you.
40:00We had an arrangement. I told you I was going to live my own life.
40:02I know. I'm sorry.
40:04It's just that I never see you.
40:06I saw more of you when we weren't living together.
40:08Jody, I just miss you.
40:10That's all. I miss spending time with you.
40:12Please, don't be mad.
40:16Listen, how about I apologize
40:18by fixing us a really terrific dinner tonight?
40:20I'll fix your favorite meal, okay? What's your favorite meal?
40:22Or we could go out, if you'd rather go out.
40:24My treat, okay?
40:26Oh, I could cook. Whatever.
40:28I can't tonight.
40:30Oh.
40:32Oh, okay. Sure.
40:34Some other time, then.
40:36Another night. There's lots of nights.
40:38Carol, is something wrong?
40:40No. No.
40:42You're sure?
40:44Right. Sure.
40:46Okay. I gotta get dressed.
40:48Carol, are you sure nothing's wrong?
40:50I'm positive there's nothing wrong.
40:52Oh.
40:58There's nothing wrong. Nothing at all.
41:00I'm just
41:02pregnant with your child.
41:12And now,
41:14coming attractions of Soap.
41:16Go ahead and jump, T.
41:18After you.
41:20I always thought I'd love the girl I married.
41:22I always thought the girl you'd marry
41:24would be a little like me, but Elaine...
41:26She's a pig.
41:28Hey, you're
41:30very pretty. Listen, you!
41:32If you came up here intending to
41:34rape me, let me tell you right now, it's not gonna be any
41:36fun at all, because I'll spit in your face.
41:38How do you two guys like working together?
41:40Oh, it's terrific. Right? Sure.
41:42One's got a flea brain, the invisible man's got
41:44none at all.
41:46Yes!
41:48Father Tim, what are you doing here?
41:50I'm getting married. Didn't you know, Father?
41:52You mean, Vicious can marry now?
41:54I don't believe this.
41:58Don't sit! Don't sit!
42:00Uh, Sally?
42:02Uh...
42:04Sally, what are you doing back there? Nothing.
42:06That's a nice touch. A real nice touch.
42:08A little hair massage.
42:10That's nice.
42:12Hey, hold it! What about sex?
42:14Carol, I promise you that if we get married,
42:16I'll never touch another man again.
42:18Jody is going to be a father.
42:20Dennis is pregnant?
42:24All this and much more in future
42:26episodes of Soap.
42:30Soap is videotaped
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42:46Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
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42:50Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
42:52Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
42:54Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
42:56Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
42:58Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
43:00Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
43:02Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
43:04Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
43:06Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.
43:08Soap is videotaped before a studio audience.