Red Dwarf S12 E05 - M-Corp
Transcript
00:30Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Mr. Lister. Happy birthday
00:51to you. Today. It's the big one, sir. I'm 30. 40. What am I doing? I don't want to know.
01:04Brain, I'm up listening. The years pass, but with them comes the soothing balm of newfound
01:13grace and maturity. Now eat up, because it's time for your present. I don't need a present,
01:19right? I've got everything I need. Sir, you've got nothing. No life, no partner, no future. You're
01:26so easy to shop for. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, bud, answer me this. Am I actually getting more good
01:39looking? Yesterday I was looking at myself in the mirror, and the next thing you know, it's today.
01:46Hey, are you even listening to me? Chess. Huh? Chess. You want to play chess? But we're missing
01:55half the pieces, and even the pieces we got aren't all there. And as for that horsey one,
01:59where the hell are his legs? What is wrong with you today? Why are you acting so crazy?
02:16It's your birthday, and you have a heart attack. It could only happen to you. It's hilarious. You
02:24realise now you'll have to retire. Retire? You'll have to take it easy. Stop work. You'll probably
02:29spend most of your days sitting in the sleeping quarters, watching TV, having your meals delivered
02:33to you on a tray. No, wait. You're really loving this, aren't you? I will be in a minute when
02:39Crichton comes in and takes your temperature with a rectal thermometer. And as it's your birthday,
02:44here's hoping he puts a candle on the end and asks you to blow it out. Good news, sir. Even more
02:51good news. What this time? Mr. Lister's heart is tickety-boo. Apparently, it was a severe
02:57indigestion attack. I'm not sure what could have caused that. So, I can leave after I finish this?
03:03Well, the MC says you're no longer a medical emergency, but as a precaution, I'd like to insert
03:09a monitoring chip into your bloodstream. What does it do exactly? Why don't you ask it yourself?
03:15Hello, Dave. I'm Chippy, your health monitoring mate. I'm currently travelling through your body
03:23collecting medidata. Right now, I'm in your heart, trying to get down one of your arteries.
03:28A bit of a squeeze. That was tight. Everything okay? Well, if I'm honest, I've been better. My
03:40battery's not what it was. I was talking about me. Oh, I see. Well, Dave, some of your arteries have
03:47more fur than an Eskimo clothes shop, but diet and exercise can fix all that. I can also monitor
03:53your improvement by giving you daily updates of when you're likely to die. Would you like to know
03:58that, Dave? Yes, please, man. You'll be 63, Dave. Remember? I didn't want to know that. Actually, I think I am getting chest pains now.
04:13You are getting chest pains, Dave. Yes. It's the stress of listening to you telling me when I'm
04:18going to die. I'll run some tests. I'm sure there's no cause to... Oh, dear. Oh, dear what? Dave, please remain calm, but you have a
04:30giant arterial blockage in your left coronary artery. The stress of hearing you're going to die has caused you to die.
04:36Smacking hell, I'm going to die. Now, please call emergency services. On second thoughts, best not waste their time, as I'm afraid you're going to die right now, Dave.
04:43Three, two, one. What the smeg happened there? It appears Chippy mixed up your death with its own. Why?
04:56Request permission to carry out a full investigation, sir. Permission granted.
05:07It seems the corrupted files were caused because Chippy was running off old software. How come?
05:13For several years now, the system updates haven't been automatically installing.
05:17Why didn't it show up on any of the consoles? Broken connection? Or maybe someone unplugged
05:22something and used them for his heated curling tongs? And there was a voice that said,
05:29do not unplug. Software updates will not be installed. And this dude had to make a choice
05:34between his hair and the updates. And he chose his hair. Maybe. You did that? You've been spying on me?
05:47Right, get the updates installed. Let's see what we've been missing out on.
05:50Emcor? Your company has been bought by Emcor. You probably have a lot of questions. Who is Emcor?
06:07What do we do? Let's find out together. Emcor is the biggest multinational conglomerate in known
06:13space. We lead. We innovate. Using our patented Emcor port technology, your ship will now be
06:19stocked with a variety of Emcor products to elevate your lifestyle in space.
06:29Emcor, we love looking after you. Computers, TVs, microwaves. Right, and give me a hand to take some
06:36of this stuff up in the science room. Hey, look. They even do lager. Wow. Look at this.
06:486.5 ABV, aromatic barrel age with hints of honey and citrus. I'll put these bad boys in the fridge.
06:56Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, it's empty. Where's the leopard lager? They're in there. Can't you see them?
07:02Um, no. No? Are you blind? What's this? This is a wind-up. You're not holding anything. Well,
07:14if I'm not holding a can of beer, nobody will come out when I shake it and pull the ring pull, right?
07:20Right. Okay.
07:29What the smeg is going on?
07:33Tasty.
07:37I can see Emcor beer, but I can't see any other kinds of beer. For instance, I can see this,
07:42but I can't see, I can't see this. With your permission, sir, I'd like to conduct some tests.
07:50Can you see this? Yes. Can you see this? Yes. Can you see this?
08:01No. Extraordinary. Can you see this? Yes. And finally, can you see this?
08:10No.
08:12I'm just praying that's an electric toothbrush.
08:20It's much as I feared, sir. What? Something really weird is going on.
08:25Well, obviously, Crichton. But what? It appears the Emcor upgrade has installed some sort of
08:30perception filter software, and you're the only one affected. We can fix this, right?
08:35I do have one small fear, sir. What? Well, several small fears. What? In fact, more than
08:40several fears, and they're not that small. What? Well, for now, let's restrict it to the largest.
08:46Which is what? Due to the Emcor perception software, all non-Emcor products will become
08:52invisible to you. Right. So what's the most important thing on board that's not Emcor?
08:57Well, can I be frank? Of course, just get on with it. The most important thing on board that's not
09:02Emcor is me, sir. Diva Droid International aren't owned by Emcor. Emcor make droids too?
09:08Droids, spacecraft, lightbees for holograms, you name it. That doesn't include me, does it? Well,
09:13I'm afraid it does, sir. But you just said the most important thing on board that was affected
09:16by this was you. I said I could be frank, sir. How on earth can you be more important than me?
09:25I can't hear him. I can't hear him. And you're complaining?
09:32Wait, say something else.
09:33It appears the perception filter software is kicking in, sir. And now I'm the only...
09:42I can't hear you either now, Crichton. What do I do? How do I fix this?
09:48Room has become invisible. So has Kat.
09:54I can't hear you, Crichton. Skip the sayers, get straight to the point. You think at some point
10:01in the future, you'll become invisible too? You think I don't know that? Emcor, we love looking
10:11after you.
10:14So
10:28do
10:38wow
10:58You're still in my food, get the hell out of here!
11:27I didn't mean that. You can have the food, just come back.
11:32Anything on end call?
11:34They bought Earth in the late 26th century.
11:36Bought Earth? Bought what exactly?
11:39They bought the entire planet, sir, and everything on it, including fixtures and fittings.
11:43Oceans, countries, animals, houses, curtains, you name it.
11:47They even bought all the stuff no one likes. Maggots, quicksand, even the American chocolate.
11:55Where'd they get the dough from?
11:57Emcor owned all the electricity and oil and gas and wind, even the rainwater.
12:01But the rainwater belongs to Earth, to everyone and everything on it.
12:05My God, I've turned into a hippie.
12:08And these Earth dudes just stood around and let this happen?
12:11Well, by then, Emcor had introduced a law to tax thinking.
12:15A think tax?
12:16You'd have got a rebate every year.
12:22They monitored the electrical charges the brain consumed firing neurons and charged accordingly.
12:28As the brain requires electrical charges to do practically anything, blink, drink, think,
12:33no one could afford the thinking time to fight back.
12:36We've got to get rid of the Emcor update before it takes over Red Dwarf like it took over Earth.
12:40But how? It's already starting to get rid of us by making us invisible.
12:43If we can access the ship's mainframe, we may be able to reboot Red Dwarf back to its factory settings.
12:49Sounds dangerous. I don't like it.
12:51Same goes to me. Well, you'll cease to exist, sir.
12:56It's starting to grow on me.
12:59I have a solution, though.
13:00We take one of your backup drives before the new software was loaded,
13:04then reload you back onto the system when we reboot.
13:07So I'll lose a month's memory, but no more.
13:09Precisely.
13:11He builds you up, then knocks you down.
13:22Looking for more from life?
13:24Then why not visit us at Emcor for a no-strings-attached trial weekend,
13:28served by your own artificial assistant.
13:31Artificial assistant? Maybe they can help me get the guys back.
13:35Step into the teleporter, and let us introduce you to our world.
13:52What's going on? I look like a yoga instructor.
14:10Welcome to Emcor, a pay-per-live virtual integrated environment.
14:14Most people who come, stay forever.
14:19I just want to switch this perception filter off so I can see the guys again.
14:23There are five life packages. Platinum, gold, silver, basic and basic life.
14:27With the credits available to you, Dave, you are eligible to purchase basic life.
14:32The worst one. I'm on that life package already.
14:37Basic life allows you to talk to five people up to a cap of 200 words per day.
14:42And what? Then you've got to stop talking.
14:45The average man speaks 7,000 words per day. The average woman speaks 20,000.
14:52So you may need to purchase more.
14:54Or, alternatively, you can wait until the following day where you'll be eligible to begin speaking again.
15:00You know that man. And anyway, there's no one here. Who do I talk to?
15:04You can purchase friends, Dave. Ideally matched to your interests.
15:08Meet Steve.
15:11Hi, Dave. I'm Steve. We're going to be really good mates.
15:16Would you like to purchase Steve, Dave? He's just $300 pounds.
15:21You know you want to.
15:24No. I don't want to buy Steve or any other hobby, for that matter.
15:29I'm a bargain. I play drums. I drink real ale. I love zero-G.
15:34And I'm really crap at computer games, so you will always beat me.
15:38It's a match made in heaven.
15:40No.
15:42Bummer.
15:45Look, I'm not interested. Just get your software off me ship, because I want to go home.
15:49Have a present. You don't have enough credits to cancel your trial weekend, Dave.
15:53But you could earn credits and then buy early release.
15:57I found the master reboot box in Captain Hollister's super-secure lead strongbox.
16:02It's ready to take your stand-in senior officer password.
16:06And my replacement file's on standby.
16:08Right here, sir.
16:10Here we go. It's gone clean out of my head.
16:14I can't remember any passwords.
16:16I don't even know the code to my space cadet lunchbox.
16:19I'm going to have to go back to the office.
16:22I can't remember any passwords.
16:24I don't even know the code to my space cadet lunchbox.
16:27Let's not panic, sir. Perhaps you can answer the secret security question.
16:31The one you chose when you set up the system.
16:34Here's the question you set.
16:36Who did you share your first kiss with?
16:38I'll type this.
16:39Uncle Frank.
16:43Right, and that was personal.
16:45It was a special moment.
16:47I had no wish to share it with the rest of the world, if you don't mind.
16:49You already told us this story.
16:51The dude snuck into your bedroom because he thought you were your mama.
16:54I was asleep, okay? Now, if you don't mind, can I get on?
16:57Is that what he said?
16:59Sir, when you set the security question up,
17:01why didn't you simply put in the name of your first love?
17:04The questions are supposed to be obscure,
17:06so it's hard for anyone to break in and get inside.
17:08Unlike your kissing lips.
17:11Ah, we did it.
17:13Red Dwarf is about to reboot.
17:20Yeah.
17:24What happened? Where are we?
17:26Sir, you've rebooted from your safety file.
17:28You've missed the last month.
17:30I did? What happened?
17:31I beat you at poker this morning and you agreed to be my slave for the day.
17:34The rest, he'll fill you in.
17:36Come on, Mr. Lister should be able to see us now.
17:43There's no way I'm buying anything off you guys, ever.
17:47Would you like to buy some pain pills, Dave?
17:49No.
17:51We can dock it directly from your account.
17:53All right, all right, fine, quick.
18:00Water, I need a glass of water.
18:01That will be $40 pounds, Dave.
18:04For water?
18:05For the glass.
18:06The water is a further $400 pounds.
18:10Okay, now.
18:16You caused that pain somehow, didn't you?
18:18Well, that's it. I'm not buying anything else.
18:22Oh, fire. Where's the fire extinguisher?
18:25If you're in need of a fire extinguisher, you're in luck.
18:28Because for a limited time only, we're having a sale on fire extinguishers.
18:33They're currently just $600 pounds.
18:36No, I'm not buying one. I'm taking a stand.
18:39Okay, I am buying one. I'm not taking a stand.
18:42For an additional payment, would you like to purchase insurance for your fire extinguisher, Dave?
18:46Yeah, fine, whatever. Just give me the smegging extinguisher.
18:57Is there anything else I can help you with?
18:59You know what? There is, actually.
19:01You can go and take a flying...
19:03I'm afraid you've depleted your word account for today, Dave.
19:08You'd like to buy more words?
19:11How many words would you like to buy, Dave?
19:14You've run out of credits, Dave.
19:16So now we remove time from your lifeline.
19:23You're charging time? Why'd you charge in time?
19:26Everything costs time, Dave.
19:28It's the most valuable commodity in the universe.
19:32I've got older again, why?
19:34That's the charge for my guidance, Dave.
19:36As you've no longer got any credits,
19:38I now charge you in life.
19:42Mr. Lister, sir!
19:45He's not here. Where the hell's he gone?
19:47It looks like he used this teleporter.
19:48We've got to track him down.
19:49How? He could be anywhere.
19:51Well, if I can repair Chippy's computer,
19:53we might be able to re-establish contact with the implant that's inside Mr. Lister's body.
19:58And track that down.
19:59Precisely.
20:02All repaired.
20:03I'm getting a signal, but his lifeline is very weak.
20:06We don't have much time.
20:07Printing telecoordinates now.
20:24Who are these people?
20:26Excuse me, do you know a Dave Lister?
20:29Dave? Sure, he's my friend.
20:32We're always friends.
20:38So Lister bought all this stuff?
20:40How? Where's he got the dough?
20:43It's Mr. Lister.
20:46They've charged him in time. We've got to get him out of here.
20:52He still can't see or hear us.
20:53Let's get him to the teleporter.
20:56Hey, what's going on? Why am I moving?
21:02Welcome to Emcor, a paper-live, virtual integrated environment.
21:05We don't want to buy anything from you.
21:07Are you sure?
21:08Yes.
21:09There's nothing I can sell you.
21:11How about a sound system?
21:13No, I'd love one.
21:15How about a lightweight hydro-mop steam cleaner?
21:18No.
21:19Okay, I'd have one of them too.
21:21Everyone wants to buy something.
21:23We're never going to get out of here.
21:25Wait, I have it.
21:26Excuse me, miss.
21:27We'd like to buy a malicious virus that will shut you down and allow us to escape.
21:33Certainly.
21:34Thank you for shopping with Emcor.
21:36We hope to see you again soon.
21:45Does that mean I don't get any hydro-steamer?
21:51Mr. Lister.
21:53He still can't see or hear us.
21:54Let's get him back to Red Dwarf.
21:56What's going on, guys? Is this you?
22:02No.
22:10This doesn't make sense.
22:11We're no longer running the Emcor software.
22:13We've rebooted the ship.
22:14Why can't he see or hear us?
22:16I still can't see or hear you.
22:19This thing ain't in the ship.
22:20Where is it?
22:21Unless, of course, it's not the ship that contains the Emcor software.
22:25It's in Mr. Lister.
22:27The perception software didn't hack Red Dwarf.
22:28It hacked Lister's brain.
22:30So let me get this straight.
22:31Does Mr. Lister look like he's got some kind of virus in his head?
22:33If so, how come I didn't catch it?
22:35Perhaps it needs more than two bytes of RAM.
22:39So what are we gonna do?
22:41To get rid of the virus,
22:42we have to treat Mr. Lister's brain in the same way we treat a corrupted computer.
22:47We have to delete everything and reinstall new files.
22:51Perhaps if I patch through to Chippy,
22:53we can communicate with him on a different frequency.
22:59Mr. Lister, can you hear me?
23:01Clayton?
23:03Sir, we need to reinstall your personality.
23:06It's the only way to rid your brain of this virus.
23:08Where are we gonna get my personality from?
23:10Well, the JMC always backs up its crew's files
23:13to enable it to resurrect any single crew member back as a hologram.
23:17According to the log, sir,
23:18your last file save was when you were 23.
23:22Are you saying I'm gonna lose everything I've learned and go back to being 23?
23:26That whole wealth of wisdom and knowledge and experience will go down the flusher.
23:30Don't worry, bird. Give us a few minutes. We'll fill you in.
23:34Perhaps I can rebuild your full profile based on CCTV recordings,
23:38but it'll take at least a month to get you fully restored.
23:46Ganymede and Titan, yes, sir.
23:48Lister, stop singing.
23:50Yes, sir.
23:56Lister, shut up.
23:57I'm only humming.
23:58Well, don't hum.
24:01Oh, God, he's back.
24:04Hey, fancy top bunk!
24:30Drinking fresh mango juice
24:33Your face shows, dripping out my toes
24:36Fun, fun, fun
24:39In the fun, fun, fun
24:42Fun, fun, fun
24:45In the fun, fun, fun