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Short filmTranscript
00:30Gentlemen, thank you for attending the meeting.
00:46Now, let me begin by saying that it can't have escaped anyone's attention that things
00:50have been getting rather strained round here of late.
00:54It's no secret that morale is on the floor.
00:56We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf, tempers are strained, and supplies are low.
01:02So I've decided, if it's all right with you, to appoint myself Morale Officer and set myself
01:09the task of raising the spirits and improving the atmosphere all round.
01:13Now, to kick off, I thought it would be productive if we all met once a week to have a coffee
01:17or a beer, whatever's your poison, and get any problems we may have off our chests.
01:24Any objections?
01:25Sounds like a very good idea, sir.
01:27Excellent.
01:28Well, as it's week one, why don't I start?
01:31You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke?
01:34That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an ice pick.
01:39Everything, that's what.
01:43Especially his god-awful, chirpy, gerbil-faced optimism.
01:46And as for the cat, what an unbelievable git.
01:52And, crike, if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple
01:57nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish.
02:00Well, I think that's cleared the air.
02:03I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better.
02:05And thank you for your contributions, gentlemen.
02:07See you at next week's morale meeting.
02:09Marvellous.
02:13Good meetin'.
02:14What's leading in?
02:15Well, I'm no psychologist, sir, but maybe the bleak, lonely, pointless emptiness of
02:20our hopeless, futile predicament is beginning to get to him.
02:23You can always tell when he's tense, the way he scrunches up cups and throws them in the bin.
02:27And we're not talking Styrofoam here.
02:29We're talking enamel.
02:30I told him, didn't I, that he attacked me with that fridge?
02:33What happened?
02:34He just wrenched it off the wall and tried to insert it in me.
02:39What did you do to upset him?
02:40Absolutely nothing.
02:41I was just sitting there, minding my own business,
02:43plucking out my lengthier nostril hairs with a pair of cooking tongs.
02:46Extraordinary.
02:47So unprovoked.
02:48The guy's so touchy.
02:49If I tried to force-feed you a refrigerator every time you did something gross,
02:53you'd have to go on a fridge-free diet.
02:56You know what the problem is?
02:57Every day's the same old slog through deep space.
03:00No variety.
03:01Take Christmas.
03:02What did we do Christmas Day?
03:03Well, if you remember, sir, Christmas Day,
03:05we were attacked by that pan-dimensional liquid beast from the Mogadon Cluster.
03:10Maybe that wasn't such a great example.
03:12I'm trying to say our lives are dull, repetitive.
03:15We never take time out to smell the roses.
03:17We never celebrate anything.
03:19We've got nothing to celebrate with, bud.
03:21No, not true, sir.
03:22There's a whole case of that wine I brewed out of urine recycled,
03:25just lying there.
03:27Practically untouched.
03:29Look, call me pretentious if you like,
03:31but for me, a truly great wine should not leave you with a foam moustache
03:34that you can only remove with tips.
03:39Autopilot alert.
03:48Storm front ahead. Switching to manual.
03:50It's a big one. Too late to go round. It's right on us.
03:52Stellar frog.
03:53Tightly packed particles from an exploded supernova.
03:55Our scanners won't be able to penetrate more than a few metres.
04:01Slowing to minimum.
04:02Gentlemen, absolute concentration to withdraw the squall.
04:04There could be anything lurking out there.
04:06Don't worry, bud.
04:07If there's anything out there, we'll spot it.
04:10Anybody hurt?
04:11Well, my pride sewer needs mouth to mouth.
04:14Mr. Lister.
04:15Sir.
04:17He's out cold.
04:18I'll stop.
04:19Let's get him up to the Alps room.
04:22How is he?
04:23Not good, sir.
04:24Perhaps you'd better look away.
04:25I know you can't stand the sight of blood.
04:27Don't worry, Crichton.
04:28It's OK when it's Lister's.
04:31Impossible.
04:32What?
04:33Look.
04:34Mr. Lister is a droid.
04:37He's a what?
04:38There's no doubt about it.
04:39He's entirely mechanical.
04:40A 3000 series.
04:41Made in Taiwan.
04:42Look.
04:44Look, he has a 24-hour emergency call-out number.
04:48I'm sorry.
04:49I'm not buying this.
04:50I mean, who'd create him and why?
04:52And what's his mission?
04:53To rid the universe of chicken vindaloo?
04:56This doesn't tie up.
04:57If he wasn't human, I'd have known by his scent.
04:59The x-rays confirm it.
05:03This is so strange.
05:04Mr. Lister's always been an icon of mine.
05:07And now I've found he's an earlier model.
05:08And technically, I outrank him.
05:11An earlier model?
05:12An earlier model?
05:13Then how come he looks so much more sophisticated than you?
05:15Sir, just because I have a head shaped like a freak formation of mashed potato,
05:19does not mean I am unsophisticated.
05:22All right, then why does he look more realistically human?
05:24Humans have always found exact duplicates rather disturbing, sir.
05:27The 3000 series was notoriously unpopular.
05:30Most of them were recalled.
05:31A few slipped the net and went undercover to make new lives in society.
05:35You think he knows?
05:36Unlikely.
05:37He probably reprogrammed his own memory to escape detection.
05:40This is going to crack him up.
05:41Devastate him?
05:43Who's going to tell him?
05:45I'll write you into my will if you let it be me.
05:48I suggest you leave this to me, sirs.
05:50I'll have a talk with him droid to droid.
05:52Okay, we'll get going.
05:53Try and get out of this damn fog before it drains our solar batteries.
06:00What happened? What hit us?
06:02Something in the stellar fog, sir.
06:04Didn't show up on the scans.
06:05Sir, do you remember who your parents were?
06:09No, you know I don't.
06:10I was found on a pool table in a box.
06:13Did anyone ever tell you what was written on that box?
06:16Were the words kit or paint before assembling?
06:23It's just that while you were under we discovered something rather disturbing about you.
06:26It's that tattoo on me and a thigh, isn't it?
06:29Look, I don't really love Peterson.
06:30He just got me so drunk I didn't know what I was doing.
06:33It's not the tattoo, sir.
06:35There's no easy way of breaking this gently.
06:37I'm afraid, sir, you are not human.
06:39You are a droid.
06:41I'm a what?
06:42You're a mechanical.
06:433000 series.
06:44Technically subordinate to me.
06:47What does this all mean?
06:48Well, in broad terms, I get the front seat in the cockpit
06:51and you're in charge of the laundry.
06:55And I want to see creases.
06:58Right in the heart, man.
06:59I'm in major stress-related shock here.
07:02Gobsmack overload.
07:04You're a droid.
07:05You don't have real emotions.
07:06It's just syntheshock.
07:08Now stop thinking like a human and go about your duties.
07:11Right, and why are you being so heartless?
07:13I looked up to you.
07:14You encouraged me to break my programming and ape human behavior.
07:18Now I find you're no better than I.
07:20But worst of all, the most bitter pill to swallow.
07:23For four long years, I had to hand scrub the gussets of your long johns.
07:30Now, unless you want to wallow in the eternal fires of silicon hell,
07:33I suggest you bring a tray of refreshments up to the cockpit.
07:36Pronto!
07:46What was the jolt?
07:47It's a mystery, bud.
07:48Nothing on the scanners.
07:49Nothing on visual.
07:50It's like we went through some kind of energy pocket.
07:53Still, looks like we're out of it now.
07:54Better run a cross-check, see if this phenomena is mentioned in any of our databases.
07:58CEO, sorry I was so long.
08:00I didn't know where anything was.
08:02Let me see that tray, please.
08:04Why?
08:05That's why, Mr. Crichton, sir.
08:09You call those triangular sandwiches?
08:12Did you use a set square?
08:14I think not.
08:17And the chocolate finger display is laughable.
08:19Don't just pile them higgledy-piggledy onto the plate.
08:21Make them into an attractive interlaced log cabin structure or something.
08:25This will just not do.
08:27Now, kindly return to the galley and start again.
08:29Okay, sir.
08:31Okay, sir.
08:32This doesn't feel right.
08:33Not right at all.
08:35What a charlatan, all these years.
08:37Any idea what hit us yet?
08:39Wait, wait, here's something.
08:41Reports of artificial stellar fogs which contain reality minefields.
08:45Reality what?
08:46Bubbles or pockets of unreality,
08:48which when encountered create false realities designed to disorient and drive off potential looters.
08:53From what?
08:54It's a defense device fitted to Space Corps test ships,
08:57which are fitted with prototype drives so awesome in their power,
09:00they have to be safeguarded at all costs.
09:02So we just crashed through an unreality pocket?
09:05Which created a false reality, making us believe Mr. Lister was...
09:10Oh my.
09:21You mean he's not a...
09:22No.
09:23No.
09:25Tea upstairs?
09:26Sir, I...
09:27What do you...
09:29What do you think of the picket fence?
09:38I'm not happy with it myself. I'll go away and do it again if you want.
09:41Sir, may I see your arm?
09:46Smack.
09:48He looks normal, human.
09:50Someone else tell him.
09:52I've got gussets to scrub.
10:04I wondered if you felt like a nice cold beer, sir.
10:09Sir, how many times can I apologize? I have offered to mince myself.
10:13What more can I do?
10:16Don't worry, I'll think of something.
10:18It's probably involving a bowl of water, a poker,
10:20a recharge socket and 4,000 volts of direct current.
10:25This fog's getting worse. I say reverse out now before it's too late.
10:28Well, I hate to agree with old laundry chute nostrils,
10:31but he has got a point.
10:33The scanners are out and my smell range is practically zero.
10:36Look, Starbuck is small.
10:38We can probably pick our way through without hitting any more unreality bubbles.
10:42Someone's gone to plenty big trouble to keep spacecraft out of here.
10:45It's got to be worth finding out why.
10:47But how can we guarantee we're...
10:49We hit one.
10:50We hit one.
10:51That's what I said.
10:52Where's the cat?
10:53I'm here.
10:54It's taken the cat. He's gone.
10:56Gone? I'm here.
10:57You must have just erased him from existence.
10:59And how can we still remember him?
11:01Remember who?
11:02I don't remember.
11:05Hey, buds, don't do this to me.
11:07You can't forget me. I'm unforgettable.
11:09I don't get this.
11:10We're passing through an unreality pocket and everything's normal.
11:12What do you mean everything's normal?
11:14I've been invisible.
11:15It doesn't make any sense.
11:16All systems, check the three of us are here as normal.
11:18The four of us.
11:21There's four of us.
11:22Look, I'm here. Can't you see me? Can't you feel me?
11:25We're getting some buffeting.
11:28About to pass back into normal space.
11:32What are you doing?
11:35Can you see me?
11:36Of course I can see you.
11:38You all forgot who I was, don't you remember?
11:40It's too weird in here. Let's quit while we can.
11:42All we've got to do is keep our heads.
11:49Boy, this is worse than triple strength catnip.
11:53The pockets are getting denser and closer together.
11:55We're never going to make it.
12:01I can't take much more of this.
12:02Look, just ignore it.
12:04All these unreality pockets and designs make you feel upset and disoriented.
12:08He's right. Let's just keep going and we'll get out the other side.
12:13All ahead stop.
12:15We have got to talk.
12:16Right, and how far would you say it is to the epicenter?
12:18At current speeds, about another three days, sir.
12:20Okay, you win. Let's get out of here.
12:23Perhaps there is one possibility.
12:26That's it.
12:27I've installed a temporary stasis seal on both deep sleep units.
12:31So, in theory at least, time will be frozen.
12:33And neither reality nor unreality will be able to penetrate.
12:37See you in three days?
12:43No!
12:48Where are we? Did we make it?
12:49We've successfully penetrated the minefield, sir.
12:51We're through to the epicenter.
12:53But what was it protecting?
12:54Derelict.
12:55According to computers from the 28th century.
12:58And it's capable of time travel?
13:00Crew?
13:01All dead.
13:02This was the maiden voyage.
13:04They contracted an influenza virus on an excursion to the 20th century.
13:08Before they died, they programmed the autopilot for deep space.
13:12And generated the minefield to prevent the machine from falling into the wrong hands.
13:16Does this mean what I think it means?
13:18We board her, strip out the drive, and bingo!
13:22We've got ourselves a time machine.
13:24Let's see if the sucker works.
13:28Sirs?
13:29Choose a year.
13:30Since we can't guarantee this time drive is going to function properly.
13:33I suggest we select a neutral time period for our first jaunt.
13:36He's got a point. Let's go for somewhere nice and safe and dull.
13:40How about 1422?
13:43How about 1421?
13:45What's the difference?
13:46No difference. I just wanted to make it look like I was paying attention.
13:52Load 1421, Crichton.
13:541421 loaded, sir.
13:56August 17th, engaging the time drive.
14:04Hey, we did it!
14:05Indeed we did.
14:06All ship chronometers indicate this is August the 16th in the year 1421.
14:11Just one day out.
14:12Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.
14:14Okay, punching it up.
14:17Again?
14:19We're still where we were.
14:20Of course. We're still in deep space, sir.
14:22Only now we're in deep space in the 15th century.
14:32Isn't it wonderful?
14:33So we're still three million years away from Earth.
14:36Well, yes.
14:39Taking it back to the present.
14:41Keaton, engage.
14:46So forgive me if I'm being thicker than the offspring of a village idiot and a TV weather girl,
14:53but what exactly was the point of that little exercise?
14:56Fun though it was, drinking in the heady medieval atmosphere of pre-Renaissance deep space,
15:02the drive is next to useless, yes?
15:04For the moment, yes, but should we ever acquire a faster-than-light drive,
15:08we will have the combination to travel anywhere and any when.
15:12Picking up a craft.
15:13He's right. Some kind of craft. Small. Here it comes.
15:15It's a Jupiter Mining Corporation call sign.
15:18Some kind of transport vehicle. Colour green. Lifeforms four.
15:22Craft name Starbug.
15:24Call me crazy, but that all sounds weirdly familiar.
15:28What's this about? What's from the future?
15:30Hey, incoming SOS message.
15:32Don't punch it up. Close comms.
15:34Why?
15:35If that vessel is this vessel, sir, almost certainly it contains our future selves.
15:38The implications of making contact could be devastating.
15:41The human brain is not designed to cope with knowing its own future.
15:44Yeah, but Crichton obviously would be in some kind of major trouble.
15:47Otherwise we wouldn't have shown up.
15:48No, Crichton's got a point. It's too dangerous to make contact.
15:51What if we discovered that one of us is dead? Who could handle that?
15:54We all could if it was you.
15:58The trainers again. Come on, they're in trouble. We can't just hang them out to dry.
16:02Well, in that case, sir, suggest that I am left alone to make contact.
16:05I can give them whatever assistance they require, then erase my memory of the entire event.
16:09Opening comms. Present Starbug calling future Starbug.
16:12We are ready to communicate.
16:19Well, how did it go? Everything OK?
16:22Mr. Lister, sir.
16:25I love you.
16:28You know that, don't you?
16:30I'd hate you to go anywhere not knowing that, sir.
16:37So what's the espree, Crichts? Can you tell us anything?
16:41A little, sir. They are indeed our future selves from some 15 years hence.
16:45What a senseless waste!
16:49Listen, if something happens to me, I want to know.
16:52All I'm allowed to divulge is that their time drive has developed a fault,
16:55and they can only travel forwards.
16:57They jumped to a period where they knew we would be
16:59in order to copy some components from our own drive.
17:02So am I actually going to get to meet me?
17:04My knees have turned to jelly.
17:06Nobody will be meeting anybody.
17:08You must be sealed in the upper deck before they set a space boot on board.
17:11So when are they coming?
17:13Immediately. I'll serve your supper in the ops room.
17:17I thought I'd whip you up a nice little curry
17:19with jam roly-poly and a big jug of chilled margarita.
17:23They're all my favorites.
17:24I know!
17:26How come you have margaritas? I thought we were out of tequila.
17:29I put a little miniature bottle aside, sir, for no particular reason.
17:34And I thought since today had no special significance,
17:37it would be appropriate to...
17:39Oh, just go, Crichton.
17:40Thank you, sir.
17:48His favorite bowl.
17:52His little cup.
17:55The tin opener he used to pick his ears clean with.
18:00Everything okay?
18:01Oh, yep, yep.
18:03Those darn onions get you every time.
18:05What onions?
18:07The onions I'm about to peel.
18:10I always get a little emotional when I have to deprive an onion of its skin.
18:14Don't Nixon me, man.
18:16Tell me the truth.
18:18I die, don't I?
18:19I mean, I'm dead, aren't I?
18:21I don't make it.
18:22All I'm at liberty to disclose, sir,
18:24is that all four members of the Starbuck crew will be boarding this vessel.
18:28Yeah, but I'm not amongst them, right?
18:30One of their number is called Dave Lister.
18:32Now, you'll have to excuse me. I've already said too much.
18:35Hang on a minute. I'm really confused now.
18:37Are you saying I survive?
18:38I can say no more.
18:39Please, let us not scrabble on this of all days.
18:43Careful with them chilies, Crichton.
18:45The rate you're going, there'll be none left for tomorrow.
18:53Look, whatever it is, there's nothing you can do about it. It's fate.
18:57Look, I just don't get it.
18:59Am I dead or am I alive?
19:01If I'm dead, how can I come on board?
19:03What precisely are you doing, bud?
19:05I'm hacking into the security cameras.
19:07Crichton's turned off all the monitors, so I'm rigging it up to the Medi-Scan.
19:10When those Johnnies come on board, I want to see them.
19:13Docking complete. Opening airlock four.
19:16Gentlemen, welcome aboard.
19:23Ah, Mr. Remus, sir. Come in, come in.
19:29Did we actually used to live like this?
19:31What a god-awful, depressing little hole.
19:37We're used to the good things in life now, but...
19:47Crichton, are you really going to do this?
19:50Crichton, are you really me?
19:53Would you take a look at him?
19:55Did I really used to look that goofy?
19:57What is that you've got on your head?
19:59I hope you have a quarantine license for it.
20:02We're time travelers now, and a lot of our business involves going back in history.
20:07I have to look incognito.
20:09Frankly, I can't afford going around looking like I've swapped heads with a damaged crash dummy.
20:14I'd rather think we're overstepping the bounds of agreed conversation here.
20:18Is, um... Mr. Lister, did you bring him?
20:25Sir, you look terrific. I was expecting something much worse.
20:29That's what I meant about me, Crichton. Fine. Absolutely dandy.
20:32Well, blow me. You've hardly changed at all.
20:35If I hadn't been told about the accident, I don't think I'd even have noticed.
20:40Yo, we're in.
20:43Oh, my God, look at Remy.
20:46I can't have changed much. I'm a hologram.
20:48Wrong. You're two meals away from being a sumo wrestler.
20:52Let me see. Am I there?
20:54Oh, yes. What do I look like?
20:56I can't actually see quite clearly. The light is reflecting off the top of your head.
21:02What are you talking about?
21:04You're as bald as a plucked chicken, man.
21:07Let me see. Let me see.
21:09Wait, wait. I want to see if I'm there.
21:11I don't seem to be there. It's just you two, Crichton.
21:17Oh, my God.
21:19What? What is it?
21:24Oh, dear.
21:30What? Is he fat?
21:32Far from it.
21:34He's lost a bit of weight, actually.
21:37Actually, he's lost quite a bit of everything.
21:41What do I do to end up like that?
21:43That is tragic.
21:45That is the saddest thing I've ever seen in my life.
21:49What happened to my butt?
21:53Buddy, you could park a plane in that crease.
21:56So what? You're fat and bald.
21:58That's what happens when you get older.
22:00Look at me. Just a brain and a jaw.
22:03Self, self, self, self, self.
22:06We've got to find out what's going on.
22:08This is our only bottle of real wine.
22:10We've been saving it for a special occasion.
22:12And what could be more special than this?
22:16To the future.
22:18To the past.
22:23This is poison, Bert.
22:25Haven't you got anything better than this hogwash? We're used to the best.
22:28Crichton, we're epicures now.
22:30We travel through history enjoying the very best time has to offer.
22:33Dolphin sweetmeats, roast suckling elephant, baby seal hearts,
22:37stuffed with dove pate, food fit for emperors.
22:40We've socialized with all the greatest figures in history.
22:43The Habsburgs, the Borgias.
22:45Why, only last week, Louis XVI threw a banquet especially in our honor.
22:49The man is a complete delight.
22:50Obeying, witty, charming.
22:52He was an idiotic despot who lived in the most obscene luxury
22:55while the working classes starved in abject poverty.
22:58We certainly didn't see any of that when we were there.
23:00And his wife's an absolute cutie.
23:02I think they're our favorite hosts, if you don't count the Hitlers.
23:06The who?
23:07Providing you avoid talking politics, they're an absolute hoot.
23:10You're good friends with the Hitlers?
23:12It's just a social thing. We don't talk about his work.
23:16We just have a few laughs, play canasta,
23:18and enjoy the odd game of mixed doubles with the Goerings.
23:21I don't believe what I'm hearing.
23:23Look, you have to understand.
23:25We travel back and forth throughout the whole of history.
23:28And naturally, we want to sample the best of everything.
23:30It's just a bit unfortunate that the finest things tend to be
23:33in the possession of people who are judged to be a bit dodgy.
23:36Herman Goering is a bit dodgy?
23:39What has become of you all?
23:41You've all abandoned your morals, been seduced by power and wealth.
23:45All you're interested in now is indulging your carnal desires.
23:48And could we tell you some stories about that?
23:51I don't recognize any of you.
23:53You're just amoral, self-serving scum,
23:55freeloading your way through history.
23:57Good grief. I can't believe I used to be such a stuck-up, pompous prig.
24:06OK, that's it.
24:09You've got two minutes to get off this ship.
24:11I don't know how we became you,
24:13but I sure as hell don't intend to help you carry on doing what you're doing.
24:16But we need to examine the calibration on your time drive's mass compactor.
24:20That's one minute 40.
24:21Shooting us would be like killing himself in the future.
24:24He won't do it.
24:25What have I got to lose? Me jaw?
24:27Gentlemen, let's meander back, why don't we?
24:29But without the calibration data,
24:31we'll be stranded out here in the middle of nowhere.
24:3350 seconds.
24:34Come on, let's go.
24:38You'll change your mind when you've thought it through.
24:41You are destined to become us and there's nothing you can do about it.
24:44In the end, you'll help us.
24:4620 seconds. Into the airlock and git.
24:50I knew it would be a mistake to see the future.
24:53Now our whole lives will be coloured by the fact that we're going to end up becoming people we despise.
24:59Threat warning. Vessel off the stern.
25:01They've got a missile lock on us.
25:02Our future selves are attacking us.
25:04They're nuts.
25:06Darren, hit. The gyroscope.
25:08The gyroscope.
25:09The gyroscope.
25:10The gyroscope.
25:11The gyroscope.
25:12The gyroscope.
25:13The gyroscope.
25:14The gyroscope.
25:15The gyroscope.
25:16The gyroscope.
25:17The gyroscope.
25:18Hit. The gyroscope's out.
25:19They're trying to disable us.
25:20Another lock.
25:21Incoming message.
25:22Gentlemen, we have no intention of being deprived of the opulence and luxury the time drive provides.
25:28Either you give us access to the data we require, or be prepared to be blasted out of the sky.
25:34But if you kill us, you'll cease to exist.
25:36Better that than be forced to live like you.
25:39Like rats, trapped together, marooned in deep space.
25:43Your answer. 30 seconds.
25:45So what do we do?
25:46Have we got any chance of winning?
25:48Their craft is greatly upgraded. We have no chance whatsoever.
25:51Then I say fight.
25:53Mr. Rimmer?
25:54Better dead than smeg.
25:56Yes.
25:57Kat?
25:58Better dead than sofa-sized butt.
26:00Brighton?
26:01Better anything than that toupee.
26:04Shields off.
26:05Arming lasers.
26:06Bringing her around.
26:07Target acquired.
26:08Locking on.
26:09Fire him.
26:10Direct hit. Starboard thrusters. Nice shooting, sir.
26:13Bringing her around for deterrence.
26:14Threat warning. They've got a lock on.
26:16I'm going for the main fuel tank.
26:17They're in your sights.
26:18Locked on.
26:19Fire.
26:25Mr. Lister?
26:26Is he okay?
26:27He's dead, sir.
26:28The hull's gonna go. We'll all be dead in a minute.
26:35Kat?
26:38Dead.
26:39But there may be a...
26:40Brighton?
26:42Brighton?
26:46There may be a what?
26:47A way out of this? Is that what you were gonna say?
26:50Speak, Brighton. How can we change what's happening?
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