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00:30Well, that's finished the test, sir.
00:46We just have to wait while the Navicom processes the results.
00:50Unfortunately, I have had to allow for the fact that you cheated at your eye tests.
00:53What do you mean, cheated?
00:55There's no point in lying, sir.
00:57You crept in here last night, knowing you were going to have a medical,
01:00and you copied the eye charts onto your shoes.
01:02I admit I might have taken a peek, but I'm a competitive man, Crichton.
01:06Always have been.
01:07That's what makes me what I am.
01:08We're all perfectly well aware of what you are, sir.
01:12Oh, the results.
01:14Here we go.
01:17Everything tickety-boo?
01:18Would you like to take a seat for a moment, sir?
01:22Problem?
01:23You don't have any next of kin, do you, sir?
01:26No, they all died of heart attacks.
01:28But not just heart attacks.
01:30Aneurysms, strokes, brain clots, you name it.
01:32Are you of the school that, when faced with bad news, prefers to hear that news naked and unvarnished?
01:37Or are you of the ilk that prefers to live in happy and blissful ignorance of the nightmare you're facing?
01:44Ignorance every time.
01:47Congratulations, sir.
01:48You've come storming through your medical with flying colours.
01:51See you next time.
01:53Everything's okay, then?
01:54Absolutely peachy.
01:57I want to know, Crichton, if there's something wrong.
01:59And if there were something wrong, sir, I would tell you.
02:01Even if I'd asked you not to?
02:03Well, no.
02:04In that case, I would lie and tell you everything was absolutely peachy.
02:08Crichton, I want to know.
02:10That's why I asked for a medical in the first place.
02:12Is there bad news?
02:13Lie mode cancelled.
02:14Yes, sir.
02:15I'm afraid there is.
02:16I knew it.
02:17It's the headaches, isn't it?
02:18And the heart palpitations.
02:19And the blackouts.
02:20And the chest pains.
02:21And the voices.
02:22It's something to do with that, isn't it?
02:23Sir, when you died, you were recreated as a hologram,
02:25and your exact personality was refined to an algorithm
02:28and duplicated electronically.
02:30If that algorithm contained a flaw,
02:32that flaw would be duplicated also.
02:34Flaw?
02:35It's not common,
02:36but it's possible for a hologram to die.
02:39Crichton, kindly get to the point
02:41before I jam your nose between your cheeks
02:43and make it the filling of a buttock sandwich.
02:46As a result of both genetics and environment,
02:48you are particularly prone to stress-related nervous disorders.
02:52And your activities over the past couple of years
02:54have pushed your brain to, well, frankly,
02:56beyond breaking point.
03:01Your T-count,
03:02which is the hologrammatic equivalent of blood pressure,
03:04is higher than a hippie on the third day
03:06of an open-air festival.
03:09And if you wish to avoid a gigantic electronic aneurysm,
03:12it is imperative that you start on a program of relaxation.
03:16I see.
03:17And you thought the best way for me
03:18to start this program of relaxation
03:19was to tell me my brains were about to explode.
03:22You've got the bedside manner of an abattoir giblet gutter.
03:26Here's what I suggest.
03:27Try and avoid all stressful situations.
03:30Spend more time in your hard light form
03:32and take a little exercise.
03:33And here.
03:36Use these Chinese worry balls
03:38whenever you feel anxious or tense.
03:43Hey, maybe some good news.
03:44Come and check it out.
03:45Uh, Crichton,
03:46I don't want the others to know about this.
03:48I want you to behave as if everything's absolutely normal.
03:51As you wish, sir.
04:00There she blows.
04:01Logging on to the add-in computer.
04:03What's this?
04:04We've come across that simulant ship
04:06we totalled a couple of weeks back.
04:07We're gonna try and board it for supplies.
04:10Is that wise, sir?
04:11The scan says the superstructure's highly unstable
04:13and could go at any time.
04:14What if some of the simulants have survived?
04:16There's an old cat saying,
04:18if you're gonna eat tuna, expect bones.
04:20There's an old human saying,
04:22if you're gonna talk garbage, expect pain.
04:25Look, we'll take our chances, man, OK?
04:27No, Kay.
04:28They're cybernetically deranged
04:30mechanical killing machines.
04:32Not content with blasting their ship out of the sky,
04:34you now want to go back
04:35and steal what remains of their belongings?
04:37That's the metaphorical equivalent
04:39of flopping your wedding tackle
04:40into a lion's mouth
04:41and flicking his love spuds with a wet towel.
04:45Total insanity.
04:47Look, ever since that refrigeration unit packed in
04:49we've had to live off a few pathetic handfuls
04:51of moss and fungi
04:53scraped off passing asteroids.
04:55I can't stand it anymore.
04:56Sir, are you really saying
04:58you'd rather have a psychopathic mechanical killer
05:00rip off your skull
05:01and play your frontal lobes like a xylophone
05:03than have another bowl
05:05of my nourishing space nettle soup?
05:08Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks
05:10and hold up the sheet music.
05:12Lister, they are simulants.
05:14Why on Io should they have food supplies?
05:16Because the ident computer
05:18says they do.
05:19Look.
05:21Stock to the gills.
05:23It's true, sir.
05:24Rogue simulants always carry
05:25large stocks of food supplies
05:26in order to prolong
05:27the torment of their torture victims.
05:29In some cases
05:30they've kept subjects alive
05:31for over 40 years
05:32in a state of perpetual agony.
05:34If we wanted to live
05:35in a state of perpetual agony
05:36we'd let Lister play his guitar.
05:39We don't.
05:40I say drive on.
05:42Crichton, what's for dinner?
05:43Tonight, sir?
05:44Asteroidal lichen stew
05:46followed by dandelion sorbet.
05:48We're going in.
05:55Sir, can't you see
05:56your behavior is totally irrational?
05:58In which case
05:59we can remove him from duty
06:00as per Space Corps Directive
06:01196156.
06:03196156.
06:05Any officer caught
06:06sniffing the saddle
06:07of the exercise bicycle
06:08in the women's gym
06:10will be discharged
06:11without trial.
06:12Hmm.
06:13Sorry, sir, that doesn't quite
06:14get to the nub of the matter
06:15for me.
06:17Sir, we have enough
06:18thistles and weeds
06:19and cultured fungus
06:20for you to scrum yourself
06:21stupid until the day
06:22you die.
06:23This foolhardy
06:24tripped beggar's logic.
06:25Lister would be fools
06:26not to listen to him.
06:27When is he ever wrong?
06:28All right,
06:29he may have a head
06:30shaped like an inexplicably
06:31popular fishing float
06:33but he does operate
06:34from a position
06:35of total logic
06:36and would be fools
06:37to ignore his sage counsel.
06:38At least let me
06:39and Mr. Rimmer
06:40go in your place.
06:41We are, after all
06:42merely electronic life forms
06:43and therefore expendable.
06:45And what the smeg would
06:46you know,
06:47bog-bot from hell?
06:49There's something else
06:50I didn't want to say
06:51in front of the cat.
06:53The reserve fuel tank
06:54got punctured
06:55when we crashed
06:56into the ocean moon.
06:57If you don't resupply
06:58we're out of power
06:59two, three days.
07:00But what about
07:01the readouts?
07:02I rigged the readouts.
07:03I didn't want to
07:04cause any alarm.
07:05You rigged the readouts?
07:06You didn't want to
07:07cause any alarm?
07:08I can't breathe,
07:09I'm hyperventilating.
07:10Please, sir,
07:11don't panic.
07:12It's not panic,
07:13it's a full-blown
07:14panic attack.
07:15Just grind them.
07:18So let me get this straight.
07:20If we board that ship
07:21and get captured
07:22we're finished.
07:23However,
07:24if we board that ship
07:25don't get captured
07:26but the superstructure
07:27disintegrates around us
07:28we're finished.
07:29On the other hand
07:30if we board that ship
07:31don't get captured
07:32and the superstructure
07:33doesn't disintegrate
07:34around us
07:35but we can't find
07:36any fuel
07:37we are in fact finished.
07:38That's about the shape
07:39of it, yeah.
07:40After you
07:41with the balls, sir.
07:42Look, we're out of options.
07:43We've got to board that ship
07:44even if it is
07:45on the brink of disintegration.
07:46Let's just pray
07:47the crew are rotting
07:48in silicon hell
07:49along with all the photocopiers.
07:50Look, you three go
07:51I'm not leaving Starbucks.
07:52Fine, that's fair enough
07:53unless of course
07:54something weird
07:55and hideously ironic
07:56happens like
07:57while we're away
07:58you get boarded
07:59by a rampaging
08:00torture party
08:01of crazed simulants
08:02in the rabid grip
08:03of bloodlust fever.
08:05I'll go and pack.
08:07Bring your extra
08:08brown rubber safety pants
08:10and your hard-like
08:11remote belt.
08:12With all the hands
08:13we can muster.
08:22Life science
08:23if one of the suckers
08:24bumps into me
08:25he'll be launching
08:26on laser.
08:27Last time we met
08:28I was wearing
08:29the same outfit
08:30and no one's
08:31going to survive
08:32to tell that story.
08:33Listen guys
08:34I suppose now's
08:35as good a time
08:36as any to tell yet.
08:37Tell us what?
08:38We can't actually
08:39use the bazookoids
08:40for psychological
08:42Look the scan
08:43said that the superstructure
08:44is so unstable
08:45even a loud noise
08:46can start to shapequake.
08:47That's why I
08:48skipped Chili's for breakfast.
08:51Why are you all
08:52looking at me like that?
08:53Like what?
08:54Like I'm a nostril hair
08:55in a Spanish omelette.
08:58Why didn't you tell us?
08:59Didn't want to cause
09:00any panic.
09:01You didn't want to cause
09:02any panic?
09:05Let me get this
09:06clear in my head
09:07if we meet one of these
09:08totally deranged
09:09killing machines
09:10we have to engage
09:11accidentally?
09:12What do we do?
09:13Whisper, charge,
09:14tippy-toe up to them
09:15all screaming shhh
09:16and chloroform them
09:17with Lester's armpits?
09:18Priceless.
09:31A teleporter?
09:34Fully functional.
09:35Let's grab what we've got
09:36and load up
09:37quietly.
09:41It's not going to hold
09:42much longer, sir.
09:43We'd better make this
09:44the last batch.
09:45One more trip,
09:46let me get one more
09:47crate of that
09:48red-hot West Indian
09:49black pepper sauce.
09:50Shhh.
09:51Shhh.
09:52Well,
09:53if it isn't my old
09:54friends
09:55the human voice
09:56of the dead.
09:57I've been waiting
09:58for this moment
09:59for so long.
10:00I've been waiting
10:01for this moment
10:02for so long.
10:03I've been waiting
10:04for this moment
10:05for so long.
10:06I've been waiting
10:07for this moment
10:08for so long.
10:09I've been waiting
10:10for this moment
10:11for so long.
10:12I've been waiting
10:13for this moment
10:14for so long.
10:15I've been waiting
10:16for this moment
10:17for so long.
10:18I've been waiting
10:19for this moment
10:20for so long.
10:21I've been waiting
10:22for this moment
10:23for so long.
10:24I've been waiting
10:25for this moment
10:26for so long.
10:27I've been waiting
10:28for this moment
10:29for so long.
10:30I've been waiting
10:31for this moment
10:32for so long.
10:33I've been waiting
10:34for this moment
10:35for so long.
10:36I've been waiting
10:37for this moment
10:38for so long.
10:39I've been waiting
10:40for this moment
10:41for so long.
10:42I've been waiting
10:43for this moment
10:44for so long.
10:45I've been waiting
10:46for this moment
10:47for so long.
10:48I've been waiting
10:49for this moment
10:50for so long.
10:51I've been waiting
10:52for this moment
10:53for so long.
10:54I've been waiting
10:55for this moment
10:56for so long.
10:57I've been waiting
10:58for this moment
10:59for so long.
11:00I've been waiting
11:01for this moment
11:02for so long.
11:03I've been waiting
11:04for this moment
11:05for so long.
11:06I've been waiting
11:07for this moment
11:08for so long.
11:09I've been waiting
11:10for this moment
11:11for so long.
11:12I've been waiting
11:13for this moment
11:14for so long.
11:15I've been waiting
11:16for this moment
11:17for so long.
11:18I've been waiting
11:19for this moment
11:20for so long.
11:21I've been waiting
11:22for this moment
11:23for so long.
11:24I've been waiting
11:25for this moment
11:26for so long.
11:27I've been waiting
11:28for this moment
11:29for so long.
11:30I've been waiting
11:31for this moment
11:32for so long.
11:33I've been waiting
11:34for this moment
11:35for so long.
11:36I've been waiting
11:38for this moment
11:39for so long.
11:40I've been waiting
11:41for this moment
11:42for so long.
11:43I've been waiting
11:44for this moment
11:45for so long.
11:46I've been waiting
11:47for this moment
11:48for so long.
11:49I've been waiting
11:50for this moment
11:51for so long.
11:52I've been waiting
11:53for this moment
11:54for so long.
11:55I've been waiting
11:56for this moment
11:57for so long.
11:58I've been waiting
11:59for this moment
12:00for so long.
12:01I've been waiting
12:02for this moment
12:03for so long.
12:04I've been waiting
12:05for this moment
12:06for so long.
12:07I've been waiting
12:08for this moment
12:09for so long.
12:10I've been waiting
12:11for this moment
12:12for so long.
12:13I've been waiting
12:14for this moment
12:15for so long.
12:16I've been waiting
12:17for this moment
12:18for so long.
12:19I've been waiting
12:20for this moment
12:21for so long.
12:22I've been waiting
12:23for this moment
12:24for so long.
12:25I've been waiting
12:26for this moment
12:27for so long.
12:28I've been waiting
12:29for this moment
12:30for so long.
12:31I've been waiting
12:32for this moment
12:33for so long.
12:34I've been waiting
12:35for this moment
12:36for so long.
12:37I've been waiting
12:38for this moment
12:39for so long.
12:40I've been waiting
12:41for this moment
12:42for so long.
12:43I've been waiting
12:44for this moment
12:45for so long.
12:46I've been waiting
12:47for this moment
12:48for so long.
12:49I've been waiting
12:50for this moment
12:51for so long.
12:52I've been waiting
12:53for this moment
12:54for so long.
12:55I've been waiting
12:56for this moment
12:57for so long.
12:58I've been waiting
12:59for this moment
13:00for so long.
13:01I've been waiting
13:02for this moment
13:03for so long.
13:04I've been waiting
13:05for this moment
13:06for so long.
13:07I've been waiting
13:08for this moment
13:09for so long.
13:10I've been waiting
13:11for this moment
13:12for so long.
13:13I've been waiting
13:14for this moment
13:15for so long.
13:16I've been waiting
13:17for this moment
13:18for so long.
13:19I've been waiting
13:20for this moment
13:21for so long.
13:22I've been waiting
13:23for this moment
13:24for so long.
13:25I've been waiting
13:26for this moment
13:27for so long.
13:28I've been waiting
13:29for this moment
13:30for so long.
13:31I've been waiting
13:32for this moment
13:33for so long.
13:34I've been waiting
13:35for this moment
13:36for so long.
13:37I've been waiting
13:38for this moment
13:39for so long.
13:40I've been waiting
13:41for this moment
13:42for so long.
13:43I've been waiting
13:44for this moment
13:45for so long.
13:46I've been waiting
13:47for this moment
13:48for so long.
13:49I've been waiting
13:50for this moment
13:51for so long.
13:52I've been waiting
13:53for this moment
13:54for so long.
13:55I've been waiting
13:56for this moment
13:57for so long.
13:58I've been waiting
13:59for this moment
14:00for so long.
14:01I've been waiting
14:02for this moment
14:04for so long.
14:07Incoming message.
14:09My escape plan
14:10worked then.
14:11What escape plan?
14:12The valiant plan
14:13whereby I
14:14set off the disintegration
14:15of the ship's hull
14:16by bravely leaping
14:17into the escape pod
14:18thereby creating
14:19a diversion so you could...
14:21actually, how did you escape?
14:23Teleported.
14:24That wasn't the only way
14:25but as good as any,
14:26I suppose.
14:27Still, I'm sure
14:28no-one's forgetting
14:29the sheer manliness
14:30and stiff upper-lipidness
14:31of the diversionary
14:32part of the plan
14:33I hasten with all speed the recovery of the modest hero of the hour.
14:36Actually, Flash, that might be a bit of a problem.
14:38What do you mean?
14:39You're accelerating away from us, way above our top speed.
14:42I've logged into your ident computer, sir.
14:44Rogue simulants looted the pod from a colonization seeding ship constructed in the 25th century.
14:49There are no controls as such. It is programmed to take you to the nearest planet with an S3 atmosphere.
14:54How long is it going to take to get me back?
14:56Well, let's see, shall we?
14:57Checking out the local area.
14:59No, nothing there.
15:01Going to mid-range.
15:03Er, still nothing.
15:06Going to long range.
15:08Long, long range.
15:10Long, long, long range.
15:12Ah, there we have it, just computing.
15:15Well, how long?
15:17Have you still got those Chinese worry balls, sir?
15:20Yes.
15:21Well, start grinding them like you've never ground before.
15:24How long?
15:25Let me tell him, Crichton.
15:26How long?
15:28A year and a half.
15:30That's ridiculous. You've got to find a way of getting me back.
15:32Well, we could try and bring you down with a round from the laser cannon, sir.
15:35Form an orderly queue behind the gun sight.
15:39Another way.
15:40Sir, there are no other options.
15:42Wait, something's happening.
15:44Course change.
15:46Check. Your guidance system's found a nearer S3 planet.
15:49It's taking you through that wormhole at 495372.
15:53Oh, that's a lot better. You should make planetfall in four days.
15:55Isn't there some sort of time dilation problem when you go through a wormhole?
15:58Well, yes, there is.
16:00Since you're travelling through compressed space,
16:02time will move more swiftly for the object passing through the wormhole.
16:05One minute on this side of the wormhole will represent many years on the other.
16:08So, is that good?
16:10Ball's on standby, sir.
16:14More than a year and a half?
16:16Yes, sir, a little more.
16:17How much more?
16:18Well, let's not beat around the bush. A lot more.
16:20Crichton, that's still beating about the bush. Just tell me.
16:23Well, remember that medieval war, sir, that lasted quite a long time?
16:26Thirty years' war?
16:28No, not that war, sir. The other one.
16:30The Hundred Years' War?
16:32Now, take that figure and multiply it by six,
16:34and then you'll come up with your golden number, sir.
16:37Six hundred years?
16:39Pinch me.
16:42We'll lose in contact any minute.
16:44Six hundred years with just myself as company? I'll go raving mad.
16:47There's an old cat saying.
16:49But you don't want to hear it right now.
16:52On the upside, according to your inventory,
16:54the pod's stocked with solar accelerators.
16:57That should keep your hard light drive going for as long as you need.
17:00And as the pod was looted from a seeding ship,
17:02there may even be emergency terraforming equipment on board,
17:05possibly even a genetic capability.
17:07But I'll never survive. I'm not the Robinson Crusoe type.
17:10I'm lousy at woodwork. I'm no good in the wild.
17:13Do you know, when I was at school, it took me five terms to make a tent peg.
17:18How long's it going to take me to build a two-story home
17:21with running water and a balcony-stroke sun patio?
17:24Six hundred years? I won't even have finished planing the wood.
17:27Lose in contact any second.
17:29See you in eight lifetimes.
17:31One last word, sir. Remember your condition.
17:33Whatever happens, try and avoid stressful situations.
17:36Whatever befalls you, try and greet it with a smile on your lips
17:39and a song in your heart.
17:41You are a total, total, complete, utter, total, complete, total...
17:48Well, he's gone.
17:50So what do we do now?
17:52Nothing we can do. I know for a fact there's no champagne.
17:55Our side of this time-dilation phenomena
17:57will appear as if Mr Rimmer has gone for just a few hours.
18:00But from Mr Rimmer's point of view,
18:02he will have to wait six entire centuries for us to reach him.
18:05To hell with the champagne. We can celebrate with Urine Recyc.
18:09This is the personal log
18:11of Space Corps hard-light hologram Arnold J Rimmer.
18:14Day one.
18:16After landing, I ventured forth to explore the place I would be calling home
18:20for the next two-thirds of a millennium.
18:23A desert planet.
18:25The only life-forms, the most basic single-cell protozoa and me.
18:29Relationships would be difficult, but not impossible.
18:32I would have to make a choice.
18:34I repaired to the pod to appraise the supply situation.
18:37The pod had indeed been looted from a seeding ship.
18:40Among the supplies, I found two strange devices
18:43labelled eco-accelerator rockets.
18:46I held out little hope that they might improve my lot,
18:49but launched them anyway.
18:51For six days and nights,
18:53the entire planet was wracked with storms
18:55the like of which I had never seen before.
18:58I had no idea what to do.
19:00For six days and nights, the entire planet was wracked with storms
19:03the like of which I had never witnessed before or since.
19:07Then, just as suddenly, they stopped.
19:10In just six days, I had created my own world,
19:13lush and verdant.
19:15I had created Rimmerworld.
19:17I was Adam in my own Eden,
19:19and only one thing was missing,
19:21my own Jane.
19:23As I studied the pod's textbooks,
19:26my excitement grew.
19:28It was entirely possible for me to create a fully-grown female clone
19:31using my own DNA as template.
19:34This, of course, created the most enormous moral dilemma.
19:37Technically, she would be my sister,
19:40and therefore unable to take me as her lover.
19:42After much soul-searching,
19:44I reluctantly decided,
19:46what the hell, I just wouldn't tell her.
19:49After months of careful nurture,
19:52the cocoon cracked.
19:55Something had gone hideously wrong.
19:58The clone was just an identical copy of me.
20:01I went back to the manuals and tried again.
20:10There she blows, an S3 planet.
20:13Nethercamp locked.
20:15Entering atmosphere.
20:19I've got something. Try Quadrant 4.
20:22I've got something. Try Quadrant 4-72.
20:26According to the scan, there's life signs.
20:29Confirmed. Thousands of them.
20:31Either Mr. Rimmer had the incredible good fortune
20:33to land on a populated planet,
20:35or...
20:36Or what?
20:37It's too hideous to contemplate.
20:39Prepare to land.
20:43Wait. Nasal alert.
20:45What, are you getting something?
20:46I sure am.
20:47My nasal hairs are quivering like an opera singer's bosom on the high notes.
20:51Halt, abomination!
20:52Rimmer!
20:53Silence, travesty!
20:55Rimmer!
20:56Never have I seen such a hideously formed and unnaturally freakish deviant.
21:00Rimmer!
21:04Silence, mutant!
21:05How dare you stand there and address a norm using that face?
21:09It's a revolting insult against nature.
21:12This might sound like a bit of a corny line, but...
21:16I can't even bring myself to say it.
21:18Say what?
21:21Take us to your leader.
21:23How could you?
21:25Let the Great One judge them.
21:37Who disturbs our royal snooze?
21:39Rimmer, it's us.
21:41Dear Lord, what created such foulness?
21:45Is this the product of a marriage twixt woman and gerbil?
21:49Remember 600 years ago?
21:51We used to be his shipmates. We've come to save you.
21:54We found them in the woods, your flared nostril-ness.
21:58And have brought them here to be tried as travesties.
22:01That ain't Gopo's head. He doesn't smell right.
22:04Agreed. He scans as organic, not hologram.
22:07The H is an affectation. Possibly it has become a symbol of power.
22:11These deformed monsters are no sight for my concubines.
22:15My treasures of pulchritude run along.
22:20Avert your eyes from her great beauty.
22:34Let the trial begin before my jacuzzi water grows tepid.
22:40These three abominations stand charged on eight counts of gross deviancy.
22:44Not content with not looking like the true image,
22:46they flaunt freakish behavior such as charm, bravery, compassion and...
22:50honour.
22:51Are there no signs of normalcy in these wretches?
22:54No cowardice or pomposity?
22:56No snidiness or smarm?
22:58Not even basic, honest-to-goodness, double-dealing, two-facedness?
23:03Sire, these creatures did not even attempt to sell each other out for their own freedom.
23:07They lack even the most basic, natural drives.
23:10How do you plead?
23:12Sir, we wish to speak to the hologram known as Rimmer.
23:16I am he?
23:19Not so. We are seeking the creator of your race, the father of your people,
23:24the first true Rimmer, the template for your species.
23:27Enough of this heresy.
23:29At the stroke of dawn, take them out and kill them.
23:32And when you've killed them, burn the bodies.
23:35Then bring me the cold ashes on a silver plate.
23:38With a glass of chilled sancerre.
23:42This guy's an animal.
23:44Doesn't he know it's red wine with cold ashes?
24:04Rimmer.
24:05Smell checks out.
24:07That truly is old toilet brush hair himself.
24:11Of course, I remember.
24:13Custer.
24:14Derek Custer.
24:16Kit.
24:18Titan.
24:20What's happened to him, bud?
24:22How long have you been in here, sir?
24:24In this godforsaken dungeon pit from hell.
24:27Speed count mode.
24:29557 years?
24:32What, you've been stuck here in this cell all that time?
24:35What happened?
24:36Can you imagine a society composed entirely of me?
24:39I'm trying not to.
24:41The last time I did that, it took me a week to dry the mattress.
24:46Thousands upon thousands of backstabbing, treacherous, hypocritical, cowardly, slime-mongering Judases.
24:52They overthrew me.
24:54When they found out they couldn't damage my hard light drive,
24:57they locked me in here so I could never threaten their insane lust for power.
25:01Look, bud, I can understand them locking you up,
25:03but what have they got against me, Derek, and Titan?
25:07Anyone who deviates from the template is reviled.
25:10The smallest physical flaw and they're banished from society.
25:13Anyone who displays behavior deemed out of character or un-Rimmer-like is punished by death.
25:19Is that why no one on the planet is brave, sexy, noble or charming?
25:23All crimes here.
25:25Man, I must be public enemy number one, two and three.
25:29But sir, don't they realize the only way any society can evolve is through mutations in the gene pool?
25:34When there is no richness or variety, congenital disorders and inherited lunacy are commonplace.
25:39Who can forget the famously insane European monarchies of the 19th and 20th centuries?
25:45Oh, what have I created?
25:47Your very own personal hell.
25:49Well, fun though it's been hearing about your last 500 years of total misery,
25:53shouldn't we be making skedaddle plans?
25:55I, for one, could not bear the prospect of being burned alive.
25:58Flames and peach?
26:00Ooh, I'd rather die.
26:02Have you tried escaping, Rimmer?
26:04The whole planet is populated with backstabbing slimeballs.
26:08The minute I got out, I'd be sold back immediately.
26:11There's got to be a way out.
26:13If it hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer.
26:18Why don't we scrape away this mortar here,
26:20slide one of these bricks out,
26:22then using rope, weave from strand to this hessian,
26:25rig up a kind of pulley system
26:27so that when a guard comes in, he sets up a tripwire,
26:29gets laid out, then we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform,
26:32he leads us out, we steal some swords,
26:34and fight our way back to the bug.
26:36Or we could use the teleporter.
26:42Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter.
26:50Oh, I've done it again.
26:52Two anomalies in one day.
26:54I must have accidentally tapped into the previous calibration.
26:57Sorry about this, it's just we're escaping from Rimmer World.
27:00Don't tell them that. They don't want to know the future.
27:03Poor old Rimmer doesn't know he's about to get persecuted
27:06for six centuries by a load of his own clones.
27:08Careful, bud.
27:10For a minute there, I thought you were going to let slip
27:12that he spends the next 557 years locked in a dungeon.
27:15Rimmer World?
27:17I'm saying nothing, man. You don't want to spoil the surprise.
27:20Rimmer World was weeks ago.
27:22We're far more concerned at the moment
27:24about the quite hideous thing that's happened to Lister.
27:26What? Why?
27:28Yeah, well, I don't know.
27:56I don't know.
27:58I don't know.
28:00I don't know.
28:02I don't know.
28:04I don't know.
28:06I don't know.
28:08I don't know.
28:10I don't know.
28:12I don't know.
28:14I don't know.
28:16I don't know.
28:18I don't know.
28:20I don't know.
28:22I don't know.
28:24I don't know.