Red Dwarf S11 E06 - Can of Worms
Transcript
00:30Ah, what's this?
00:47I salvaged it from the Metastation, sir.
00:50It's a personality tuck machine.
00:53So it can perform corrective surgery on your character.
00:56Exactly.
00:57It scans the patient's brain and forms a personality map.
01:01It's then able to enhance, remove, even sculpt the very traits that make that person who
01:06they are.
01:07Hypothetically.
01:08I'm speaking hypothetically here.
01:10Do you think I could do with a little work?
01:12Take a seat, sir.
01:13I'll cancel this week's schedule.
01:16So what can you do for me exactly?
01:19I'll begin by just marking out the areas I think we might be able to improve.
01:24Now, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here,
01:30here.
01:31Yes, all right, Triton.
01:32Get on with it, man.
01:34Take your pomposity, large and unsightly.
01:37Your self-importance, too, is massively engorged.
01:39What's that huge area in the middle there?
01:41Well, that is your cowardice, sir.
01:45Perhaps you'd like me to perform a cowardectomy.
01:48What reduces it is sort of wimpoplasty.
01:50Hey, what's happening, Buds?
01:53I'm about to perform some personality surgery on Mr. Rimmer.
01:57He's getting a new personality?
01:59Great idea.
02:01Not new.
02:02Molded, tightened, lifted, shaped.
02:05This is going to transform me.
02:07I'm going to be the lady-melting, enormous, bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
02:11Now, Triton, one thing.
02:14This isn't going to hurt, is it?
02:15There'll just be the slightest, infinitesimally tiny little scratch.
02:19Scratch?
02:20Well, when I insert the laser.
02:21Laser?
02:22It has to burn.
02:23Burn?
02:24Perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, sir.
02:26With a needle?
02:27Sir, please.
02:28I'll talk you through every aspect of the procedure, step-by-step.
02:32Right now, I'm just in that...
02:34Well, where's he gone?
02:35Now, you're left.
02:36Einstein was wrong.
02:38It is possible to break the speed of light.
02:52Hey, Bert!
02:53What the...?
02:54Guys, keep the noise down.
02:55I'm trying to sleep here.
02:56Whoa!
02:57What's going on?
02:58We're way off course here.
02:59Who's the joker in charge of navigation?
03:00You are, sir.
03:01Seriously?
03:02Oh, no.
03:03I think I might have dozed off.
03:04Let's do a 5,000 clicks off course.
03:05All you have to do is press the button.
03:06I'm going to be the lady-melting, enormous, bald stud muffin I've always dreamt of.
03:07Now, Triton, one thing.
03:08This isn't going to hurt, is it?
03:09There'll just be the slightest, infinitesimally tiny scratch.
03:10Scratch?
03:11Perhaps I should give you a hollow sedative, step-by-step.
03:12Right now, I'm just in that...
03:13Well, where's he gone?
03:15Seriously?
03:16Oh, no.
03:17I think I might have dozed off.
03:19Let's do a 5,000 clicks off course.
03:21All you have to do is engage autopilot.
03:23Your watch, your fault.
03:24You can't blame me for this.
03:26What kind of lunch was that to give you pilot?
03:28Roast beef with all the trimmings,
03:30followed by seconds,
03:31followed by sticky toffee pudding,
03:33followed by seconds,
03:34followed by beer and coffee and cheese and brandy
03:37and port and cigars and a little chocolate mint?
03:41What chance did I stand after a Sunday lunch like that?
03:45How long have I been out?
03:46It's Monday, sir.
03:47Oh, man, no way.
03:49It's going to take us forever to get back to Red Dwarf now.
03:52Maybe we could take a short cut across that asteroid belt.
03:55Guelph country?
03:56If these stories are to be believed,
03:58the particular tribe of Guelph that inhabit Belt Juno 98
04:02are the Nyechin...
04:07Sorry, I just sat down on a screwdriver.
04:10All of the Italian around here except me.
04:12Right, and you were saying...
04:14Oh, sorry, sir, yes,
04:15that particular tribe are the Nyechininkas,
04:17vampire Guelphs to you and me.
04:19Vampire Guelphs?
04:20The story goes they feast on the blood of virgins.
04:27Feast on the blood of virgins.
04:29Who believes that?
04:30Take him to Red Dwarf.
04:31Wait a minute.
04:32Hang on here.
04:33Slow the hell down.
04:35What's the problem?
04:36I'm just curious.
04:38How do they tell the virgins from the non-virgins?
04:40Well, according to the ancient myths,
04:42they can smell them.
04:43Smell them?
04:44What the hell does a virgin smell of?
04:46Desperation, normally.
04:51Actually, sir, the actual science is
04:53that the Guelphs can smell the pheromone produced by fear.
04:57Only the virgins are scared,
04:58so they're the only ones producing the fear pheromone.
05:01Thus, no issue for us.
05:02Taking her in.
05:03Hang on, hold up.
05:05Can we discuss this for one stupid lousy second?
05:08Hang on a minute.
05:09Are you...
05:10No.
05:11I suppose you...
05:12No.
05:13Never really...
05:14Don't even say it.
05:15Okay, moving on.
05:17Didn't mean to open up a can of worms here.
05:19I've had my share, let me tell you.
05:21More than my share.
05:23Plus, I've had full-blown love affairs, too.
05:25Well, yes, mirror in the bathroom.
05:28Mirror in the hall.
05:29I've forgotten about those.
05:31Don't you guys know that cats always have two homes?
05:34I got a lady cat back on Red Dwarf.
05:36Hell, I got two.
05:38On Zed Deck.
05:39Zed Deck.
05:40Exactly.
05:41That's where they are, on Zed Deck.
05:43But hiding from you guys,
05:44because they're only interested in me.
05:46We will go the long way round.
05:48And be quick about it,
05:50because I've got to get back to my lady cats on Zed Deck.
05:54I'm suddenly starting to miss them real bad.
05:58Shit.
06:03I'm picking up a ship.
06:06The energy signature's barely registering.
06:08This evil's weaker than the San Marino Reserve Team.
06:12Boosting.
06:13Logging into their mainframe.
06:14Don't bother.
06:15In this region of space,
06:16it could well be a Gelf battlecruiser.
06:18Maintain current course.
06:19It's my boat.
06:20According to the hack,
06:22it's a transport ship.
06:23Crew two.
06:24One mercenoid, one prisoner.
06:26A mercy what?
06:27A mercenoid is a droid, sir,
06:29who has agreed to sacrifice his life
06:31in exchange for software updates in Silicon Heaven.
06:34These mercenoids are nuttier than a vegetarian breakfast.
06:39That probably explains why the mercenoid and his prisoner
06:41are on a death dive into the heart of a supermassive black hole.
06:44So what now?
06:45We've got to board that crate before it passes the event horizon.
06:49Risk our necks for one prisoner?
06:51Remember, that prisoner might be human.
06:53We can't just abandon them.
06:55Never say can't, Listie.
06:57Put your mind to it.
06:58There's no limit to who you can abandon.
07:00Oh, I can't.
07:01Take her in.
07:02Rimmer, lend me your dictaphone.
07:04What? Why?
07:05Because I've got an idea.
07:09Right, come on.
07:12Let's do this.
07:13Good luck.
07:14Keep in touch.
07:26More ship intel coming through via the hack.
07:28They were transporting scientific equipment
07:30to a bio station on Orta 15.
07:33Something doesn't smell right.
07:35The ship's log's been deleted.
07:36The black box has also been wiped clean.
07:41Not getting any pictures from your headcam.
07:43There must be some kind of signal block in place.
07:50How about now?
07:52Yes, getting pictures now.
07:54What did you do?
07:55I just recalibrated the fluctuation drive balancing.
08:00Impressive.
08:01Thanks.
08:05You're not going to like this.
08:06But I'm picking up something in the movement tracker.
08:08Life signs, organic and part organic.
08:11In corridor beta 12.
08:13Where exactly in beta 12?
08:16At the south entrance.
08:18That's where we are.
08:20Then you should be able to see them.
08:21They're there, right on top of you.
08:23Maybe in the ceiling or under the floor.
08:24Run!
08:25Go back!
08:26Get out of there!
08:27Move!
08:28Down! Forward!
08:29Not that way!
08:30The other way!
08:31No!
08:32The other way!
08:33Listen!
08:34Move!
08:35Wait!
08:36Wait!
08:38Could these life signs...
08:40Could they...
08:41by any chance be yours?
08:45Ah, yes.
08:46Of course.
08:48Organic and part organic.
08:50Yes, it's you.
08:51I should warn you about that in the instruction manual.
08:54Someone could come along and make a right idiot of himself.
08:57Ah, it does mention it.
08:59It's this bit here in big red capitals.
09:02So easy to miss.
09:04I'm picking up EM emissions.
09:06This way, sirs.
09:22I know you are here, humans.
09:27If you want to live,
09:30you must leave.
09:32He's right. I think we should go.
09:33Sir, you haven't seen him.
09:36Okay.
09:38I want to talk about your prisoner.
09:39I want to do a trade.
09:40No trade.
09:42Let's talk.
09:43No talk.
09:45Now, take my advice and go.
09:48Take my advice and go.
09:52Leave.
09:53Who's your prisoner and what have they done?
09:55That is my business.
09:57Not yours.
09:59You can trust us. You really can.
10:01You will achieve all your dreams.
10:06Size doesn't matter.
10:11You are very handsome.
10:15And women think you're extremely attractive.
10:17Ashley, that's not really true.
10:19So, drop your weapon and turn around slowly.
10:43Headcam down.
10:44What's going on? Are you okay?
10:46We're fine, sir.
10:47Mercenoid down.
10:50I think I've located the prisoner.
10:52Up two floors, day 12.
11:06Birds, am I pleased to see you.
11:08Are you?
11:15Wait, are you?
11:17Are you?
11:18Ow!
11:19Ow!
11:26You got a name?
11:27Sure I do, stupid.
11:28Who doesn't have a name?
11:30Ow!
11:33Incidentally, that's mine.
11:35That's mine.
11:36That's mine.
11:37That's mine.
11:38All this is mine.
11:40Hey, hey, hey.
11:41What about that bit?
11:43That's mine, too.
11:52This is mine.
11:53That's mine.
11:54This is mine.
11:55Basically, all of this is mine.
11:57Even that bit.
11:58What about that bit?
11:59Mine.
12:00And that?
12:01Mine.
12:02And that bit, all mine.
12:03Look, we'll catch you guys later.
12:05Hey, why don't we meet up later on the pretext of having dinner,
12:08but instead play the string game?
12:11I love the string game.
12:15You bring you, I'll bring the string.
12:18See you at eight.
12:20If you'd like to follow me, ma'am, I'll show you to your quarters.
12:24Ow!
12:26Ow!
12:36Whoa!
12:37What's the big emergency?
12:39Extremely disturbing news, sir.
12:41According to the mechanoid's black box,
12:43that cat we brought on Red Dwarf is not a Felis sapien.
12:48It's not a cat?
12:49What is it, then?
12:50It's a polymorph, sir.
12:53A polymorph that shapeshifted into a Felis sapien?
12:56Precisely.
12:57That's why the mercenoid was flying into that black hole.
12:59It was the only way he could ensure the polymorph's death.
13:02And we killed the mercenoid, saved the polymorph,
13:04and brought it on board ship?
13:06A nomination for JMC crew of the year is starting to look unlikely.
13:11Those damn space monkeys from the Omega IV are going to get it again.
13:16And another thing, according to the black box,
13:19the polymorph is carrying eggs.
13:21Eggs that hatch?
13:22No, kinder eggs.
13:25Of course eggs that hatch.
13:27When will they hatch?
13:29Soon after Mom has found a host body to deposit them in.
13:33I don't know if I want to know this, but explain.
13:37Well, I found a genetic mutant documentary on RedNet.
13:40I was about to watch it.
13:44Evening falls and the impregnated female polymorph
13:48seduces a passing organism by appearing to be his mate
13:53and secretly deposits her eggs in the unlucky host's body.
13:59Where's the cat?
14:00What's the time?
14:01He's on his date with the polymorph!
14:03Weeks later and the morphling burst into the world.
14:09It seemed so wrong, but now it seems so right.
14:13What a lady, what a night.
14:24Did you sleep with her? What happened?
14:26Hey, I ain't kissing and telling.
14:28I've had enough kissing for one night, let me tell you.
14:32You don't understand, we need to know.
14:35All I'm saying is that she had some moves you've never even seen.
14:39Like what?
14:40Like when you're rolling around making out
14:42and the next thing you know her big pipe thing shoots out of her back,
14:48hovers above you like a crazy snake,
14:51then whooshes straight down your throat.
14:55And I was like...
14:59Women don't have a big pipe thing?
15:01Not for you, maybe.
15:03But if you drive them crazy by blowing on their antennas,
15:06what happens?
15:07Boom, out it comes!
15:09Then what happened?
15:11The usual.
15:12She just released her gushy tadpole stuff down her pipe.
15:15Then afterwards she said she'd never been with anyone
15:18who could hold so many eggs.
15:21I don't know what the hell she meant,
15:23but I think it meant I did good.
15:27See you in the morning, buds.
15:29Oh, what a night.
15:31What it takes so long to say...
15:34Just listen to me.
15:36How do I break this to you?
15:38You're a moron!
15:40Go easy on him, let me handle this.
15:43Can't man.
15:44You're a moron!
15:46Sir, that wasn't a woman.
15:48I feel as sapient, sir, it was a shapeshifter.
15:51A what?
15:52It wasn't a cat, it wasn't a woman.
15:55You just had sex with a genetically engineered insectoid arachnid.
16:01It still counts!
16:05Come on!
16:08It counts!
16:10Why doesn't it count?
16:14I'm counting it!
16:19I'm counting it!
16:25Let me tell you,
16:27she looked a hell of a lot better last night.
16:34It's life cycle complete.
16:36It's died, as the female polymorph often does
16:39after the exhaustive process
16:41of depositing her morphlings into a host body.
16:44Depositing her what into what?
16:46Sir, we need to get you to the science room
16:48and give you a full medical.
16:50A morphling? What's a morphling?
16:52We'll tell you later,
16:53when you're securely strapped to a medivac.
16:56Just to explain the ultrasound, sir,
16:58the probe sends a pulse through your skin and into your body
17:02and the echo bounces back,
17:04which allows us to make sure that everything is...
17:07Oh my God!
17:09What the hell is happening?
17:11We're just checking, sir.
17:14How many are there?
17:16One, two, three, four.
17:18What about them two? Five, six?
17:20And those down there, seven, eight?
17:22We've got to tell them.
17:23So tell him.
17:25Better come from Crichton.
17:27Why me?
17:28Because you've got a better bedside manner
17:30when it comes to telling patients they're rattled with polymorphs.
17:34Hey, what are you saying?
17:36Are you talking about me?
17:37Sir, I have some bad news.
17:41You are pregnant with eight polymorph eggs.
17:44When they hatch,
17:46they will literally burst out of you
17:48using the nearest orifice available.
17:51You mean rather than forming an orderly queue?
17:56What the hell are we going to do?
17:57First, I think it's essential that you eat something, sir.
18:00You've got to have all your strength to fight against them.
18:03They're currently depriving your body of many essential vitamins.
18:06I can't eat at a time like this.
18:08Sir, you must try.
18:10I just want these things out of me.
18:12Have you thought about a cesarean?
18:14Okay.
18:16You sure?
18:17Yeah, but no croutons.
18:21It's not a salad, you gimboid.
18:24It's an operation where they laser open your abdomen.
18:27I think it's your only chance of survival, sir.
18:29It is? No way.
18:32Thank God I didn't have that cowadectomy.
18:36We need sedation somehow.
18:38Wise words, sir.
18:44Well, at least that's bought us some time.
18:46We just need to get cleaned up and do this.
18:49Scalpel.
18:50Scalpel.
18:56Has someone been playing around with the settings on this thing?
19:02Right.
19:03Going in.
19:04Hang on, look at the scanner.
19:09The warflings are going crazy.
19:11What are they turning into?
19:12Tumors.
19:13They know we're trying to extract them early, and they're fighting fire with fire.
19:18We kill them, they kill him.
19:20What do we do?
19:21We have to let them be born in the normal way.
19:24Do you mean normal as in shooting out of every orifice simultaneously?
19:28You'll be a bit like Neo for a dodgy boomer.
19:34No.
19:57They're assuming the shapes of household objects and trying to blend in.
20:04Oh!
20:12Oh, we've got a riddler!
20:29It's going to be so hard flushing this lot into deep space.
20:33It's so cute.
20:34Sir, it's their defense mechanism.
20:36They're trying to avoid being flushed into space.
20:39Look, there's a chinchilla with a pink hat and a hamster on a skateboard.
20:45A live dalmatian.
20:46Look at this.
20:47Like a hedgehog in a top hat sitting inside a mini shopping trolley.
20:54They are doing this on purpose to make us feel guilty.
20:57You must remember what they're going to turn into when they reach maturity.
21:00I mean, most things look adorable when they're first born.
21:02Even velociraptors.
21:04Even the rolling stones.
21:07So cute.
21:08Sir, they're evil genetic mutants.
21:14I should flush them.
21:16I got us into this mess.
21:18I should be the one to get us out of it.
21:20You sure?
21:21I just want to have a minute to say goodbye.
21:24We'll be just around the corner, sir.
21:26Oh, look at that. That one is cute.
21:30Oh, my God.
21:40How long is he going to be?
21:43He's gone.
21:44Why didn't I anticipate this?
21:46He's been affected by the oxytocin hormone released by the morphlings.
21:50The what?
21:51It's a hormone that the morphlings excrete to ensure their hosts look after them
21:55until they're strong enough to stand on their own six suckers.
21:59And then devour his emotions.
22:01Precisely. We've got to find him.
22:06But we have to narrow down the search somehow.
22:09I've got an idea.
22:10Turn off all the heat in the ship apart from in the diesel decks
22:13so it'll drive him down there.
22:15And then what?
22:16Track them down undetected.
22:18They are polymorphs.
22:19If they feed off emotions, they will sense us.
22:22Not if one of us has got no emotions, as they've had them all removed.
22:25They?
22:26Listie, if you have a personality tuck to remove your emotions, we're sorted.
22:31A stupid tuck machine. Why me?
22:33Crichton's the only one who knows how to operate it, so it can't be him.
22:36It can't be me, obviously. That leaves you.
22:39Why can't it be you?
22:40Don't interrupt.
22:41Then after the tuck, you'll be able to walk amongst the morphlings undetected.
22:45They feed on human emotions, and if you've got no emotions, they won't know you're there.
22:49And what will happen to my emotions?
22:52We'll just download your brain.
22:53Crichton, have a five megabyte memory stick on standby.
22:56Will do, sir.
22:58I'm not sure about this.
23:04Ah, you're done. Excellent.
23:06I haven't started yet, sir.
23:09Mr Lister?
23:11Sorry, it's miles away.
23:13Are you ready, sir?
23:14Yeah, come on, let's do it.
23:24Let's send him in, then. Get this done.
23:26Ah, what?
23:28Well, according to the tracker, we are now completely surrounded by lifeforms.
23:32Morphlings appear to have reached full maturation quicker than expected.
23:36But what about the cat?
23:37Does that mean they've already eaten him?
23:39No, sir.
23:40I'm afraid not, sir.
23:41I'm afraid not.
23:42I'm afraid not.
23:43I'm afraid not.
23:44I'm afraid not.
23:45I'm afraid not.
23:46I'm afraid not.
23:47I'm afraid not.
23:48I'm afraid not.
23:49I'm afraid not.
23:50I'm afraid not.
23:51I'm afraid not.
23:52Does that mean they've already scoffed all his emotions?
23:54Well, according to the tracker, there are nine lifeforms.
23:57He's still alive, but barely.
23:59Living in an emotionless semi-state, his mind almost totally blank.
24:03No change there, then.
24:06But with each polymorph we eliminate, sir, part of the cat's personality will return.
24:11Hey, fuzz, I need a hand here.
24:13I'm busted up really bad.
24:19How did you know that wasn't the cat?
24:20I didn't.
24:22So why did you shoot him?
24:24Why not?
24:25Help me!
24:28What's wrong with him?
24:29He's got no emotions, sir.
24:31We've turned him into a dehumanized assassin.
24:34So what should we do?
24:35May I suggest, sir, run mode.
24:53There you are, sir.
24:55I fear Mr. Lister may be a polymorph.
24:58That's how he was able to detect the other polymorphs and kill them.
25:01Why would he be killing them?
25:03They're known for killing each other, sir.
25:05That way there's more food for the victor.
25:07We can't trust anyone.
25:09So how can I trust you?
25:11Well, how can I trust you?
25:14And how can I trust either of you?
25:17How many are left?
25:18Make it six.
25:20Six, yeah, that's right.
25:21And he could be one of them.
25:23I'm not a polymorph.
25:24Neither am I.
25:25Nor me.
25:26What do we do?
25:27Why am I asking you?
25:28Because I'm not a polymorph, but you might be.
25:30You sure might be.
25:31How about we go down to the science room and X-ray each other?
25:34That way we can be sure.
25:36Good idea.
25:46After you.
25:47After you.
25:48After you.
25:49After you.
25:50After you.
25:51After you.
25:52After you.
25:53Right after you.
25:54After you.
25:55After you.
25:56After you.
25:57This is a nightmare.
25:58That is it, isn't it?
25:59It's not me.
26:00It's not me.
26:01It's not me.
26:02We're crying out loud.
26:03Isn't this hard enough already?
26:05Let's get to the science room and X-ray one another.
26:08I won't trust you.
26:09Hey, guys.
26:10They had me tied up, but I got away.
26:12What's happening?
26:14There are six polymorphs here, and we don't know who's who.
26:17Ah, I'm not sure you're working out.
26:19Catch you later.
26:24Let's get to the lift.
26:26How did you know who was who?
26:50A mama always knows her kids.
27:02It's me.
27:03Can I come in?
27:04I'm trying to sleep, bud.
27:06Cat.
27:08I just wanted to talk to you about that thing that you're not.
27:11I mean, I know you're not.
27:13You know you're not.
27:14We both know you're not.
27:16Because I'm that.
27:17Exactly.
27:18If you were, which you're not,
27:20it wouldn't mean that you were a loser.
27:22It wouldn't mean that you ain't cool.
27:23It'd just mean that you hadn't met the right girl yet.
27:25But I'm that.
27:26Exactly.
27:27So no need to have this talk.
27:28Exactly.
27:29So go away.
27:31I'm gone.
27:39Man, is he annoying.
27:41So damn passionate.
27:43Don't you know a cat always has two homes?
27:46I try to tell him, but he won't listen.
27:49Hey, it's late.
27:51We keep talking, and there ain't gonna be much time for loving.
27:55This is a dream, isn't it?
27:58But look on the bright side.
28:00You haven't woke up yet.
28:03Let's go.
28:04Pipe me!
28:17Fun, fun, fun.
28:20It's the fun, fun, fun.
28:23I want to live.
28:25Shrimp and eggs, you call me toast.
28:27Drinking fresh mango juice.
28:30Goldfish shows, standing at my toes.
28:34Fun, fun, fun.
28:36It's the fun, fun, fun.
28:40Fun, fun, fun.
28:43It's the fun, fun, fun.