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Short filmTranscript
00:00You
00:30So
01:00Lift coming, sir
01:06Come on come on. Why are you always so slow?
01:10I've seen snails with club feet travel faster than you the French army after lunch move quicker
01:16Not long now, sir
01:18I'm picking up several strange energy signatures on B deck
01:22I need to lift pronto to check them out just to drop off on the living quarters
01:26I'll be with you in a flash. Will you really or will you really be a really long time a really long time, sir
01:34So why not tell me that in the first place then? I didn't want to lose your custom
01:39Who can you lose my custom to our main rival sir the stairs?
01:48Where are you now? I've completed the drop-off at the living quarters deck sir now
01:53I've just got a trip up to the stasis booths, but I pressed first
01:58Right, that's it. You are fired. You can't fire a lip, sir. I just have how are you going to replace me?
02:04With another lift from another shaft. I'll get the scutters to transfer and install
02:09Let me tell you mulatto
02:11There are plenty of young thrusting lifts around here who would give their I teeth to transport someone of my stature up and down their
02:18shaft
02:21I
02:22Tell all lifts were interviewing for a new position in shaft 14 all applicants must be prepared to travel only lifts need apply
02:51Lights
02:54Mr.. You've been in my bunk for two days now. Are you still hungover?
02:59Go away, remember turn off the lights
03:02But we've come across a space station tech rich in Sector three. There's an asteroid storm heading for it
03:07It'll be toast in five hours. Let's go
03:10Give me a break. I've been in bed for two days. I need to freshen up
03:15oh
03:18Come on
03:30What kind of space station is it great?
03:33Any idea I don't recognize it sir
03:36But I must confess I did delete some files off my hard drive this morning to create more memory
03:43Really, that's safe. I'll have no fear sir. I only trust information
03:47I considered frivolous and idiotic without checking with me first
03:52And you are
03:55Going to your trash you metal moron and underneath the rimmer folder you must have dumped me in there by mistake
04:02That's highly unlikely whoever you are, but I'll check anyway. Oh
04:08There's a folder in here marked Captain bollocks
04:12Good afternoon
04:15Captain bollocks, is that what you call me behind my back to your face too when you're snoozing
04:22Just dragging it out of the bin and reinstalling. Oh
04:27Sir I'm so sorry. How could I possibly all right moving on calling you Captain bollocks?
04:36Especially behind your back and probably sniggering about you too. How could you not take offense?
04:41Brighton please let's move on Captain bollocks
04:46It's disrespectful and downright offensive sir. Just reassure me. I'm fully reinstalled
04:52Rest assured sir you now have pride of place in my our section
04:57alongside ringworm and rimshot sir
05:11You
05:19Now remember sirs the asteroid storm will destroy the station in five hours
05:29Let's split up in the pairs it'll make things a whole lot quicker as
05:34Acting superior officer. I naturally get first choice
05:38Don't want you don't want you
05:44Why is there no one good here
05:47You get more choice in an Amish barbers
05:51Fighting you're with me. Let's move people
05:56They were the sides recognize service to toss pottery there'll be a Hall of Fame
06:08I
06:10Know what's called asclepius
06:13Presumably after the Greek god of medicine, sir
06:17Well, there's that obviously obviously that yes, obviously you think it's that obvious
06:22A
06:35Skeleton check it out my bed. It's dead
06:47Why the skeletons never wear any clothes
06:53Probably pneumonia
06:56male
06:57Caucasian 31 and according to this he was a kernel club card holder one chicken stamp away from a free family fun book
07:13The DNA
07:16This knife handle is identical to the DNA in the body
07:22Meaning this dude stabbed himself in the back
07:25Why would anyone do that?
07:29No shit
07:36If memory serves her asclepius was a meta bot created in the late
07:4223rd century
07:43Programmed to perform all procedures both physical and mental on all known living organisms the cutting edge of
07:52droid technology
07:57It's like something out of an old sci-fi movie it's gonna be so much more advanced than me sir
08:04It's got four buttons
08:06precisely
08:11Greetings how can I be of service? I
08:15am stand-in
08:17acting senior
08:19Commanding officer Arnold J. Rimmer of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf
08:24Perhaps you could sir. You haven't introduced me. I
08:28Beg your pardon. This is Crichton. He's a sanitation droid mainly toilets
08:33He can also unblock drains and he's an absolute whiz when it comes to embarrassing stains
08:40Sir I merely asked you to introduce me didn't have to pick me up
08:44Arnold J. Rimmer, I do believe many years ago
08:48I had the honor of serving one of your old crewmates flight coordinator Ronald Littlewood
08:55Sir our quick timings are way out. We need to get back to Red Dwarf. I
09:00Wonder would you care to join us? We have nothing in our science room
09:06Remotely as sophisticated as you why I would be honored to Crichton follow me
09:14I
09:24Lose these notes guys name is Romero G Gonzalez, and he was a stasis booth engineer. Ah
09:33Mrs. Robertson, we're ready to start your procedure now and
09:39This must be mrs. Johnson
09:43The donor
09:45No need to be frightened
09:47There was a time. I was a teensy tiny teeny weenie
09:55But not anymore
09:58There's my
10:01We got it over we'll close the door behind us that we pelt out I can see you're both quite
10:08nervous
10:09Perhaps we need a little something to help you relax
10:20That wasn't so bad was it
10:25Where are they tracking them sir down here
10:39Ah
11:01This is
11:03You're a little early take a seat in the waiting
11:33Let's fire them up get them out of here
12:03Oh
12:34He's coming around sir here he comes yes, he's coming around I
12:42Don't remember drinking anything
12:44You were attacked sir. Remember attacked. I didn't start it and I wasn't drunk
12:51Well, I might have been drunk but I didn't start it I might have started it
12:58Remember now, how's the cat? He's in medbay for sir. He's fine and me
13:03The cat he's 100%
13:07Yeah, what about me
13:09Prepare yourself for a bit of a shock sir. What kind of a shock?
13:14Well, if most shocks are about this size, this shock is more this size
13:22You have a problem with your kidneys sir, what kind of problem you don't have any
13:28That
13:30Crazy droid organ napped them and when we marined our way in to save you
13:35Friendly fire took out the jar
13:38How much particular friend caused this friendly fire?
13:42Put it there pal of mine
13:45Where am I gonna get new kidneys three million years into deep space didn't I tell you he'd say that
13:53And I'm gonna minute no kidneys
13:55How come I'm not dead well, I have injected a homemade
13:59MTK chip into your bloodstream, sir
14:01Which performs a function similar to the old dialysis machine of days gone by all being well
14:08You'll be fine for years
14:11months weeks
14:14In detail
14:17Totally smacked on I didn't I tell you we'd say that
14:21All is not lost sir
14:23The perpetrator of this act of derangement was clearly some mentally unhinged droid patient who managed to escape his shackles
14:32Mr. Rimmer and I however managed to obtain the services of a state-of-the-art
14:39medibot
14:50a
14:55State-of-the-art medibot
14:58So he got four buttons
15:01He goes by the name of
15:03Asclepius Asclepius
15:05Crichton can we talk a just one moment Asclepius or should that be mr. Asclepius?
15:12Actually neither
15:14Pardon my faux pas professor now. Where was I?
15:18One of Asclepius as many abilities is DNA
15:22Rewriting if mr. Cat were willing to donate one of his kidneys Asclepius here could make his kidney
15:29Compatible with your body. This is the cat we're talking about
15:33Don't the big black bug brush on his head
15:37You're expecting me to ask him for a kidney. He's never given anyone anything in his life
15:43When we explain the importance the idea of him being a donor might appeal
15:49Crichton read the cat dictionary. There's only one meaning for donor a kind of kebab
15:56It's a cat he can't help himself
15:59He has his selfish side
16:01But if it wasn't for you, sir, he wouldn't exist neither would his species plus sir your buds
16:07He'll come through. Of course he will
16:10Didn't I tell you he'd look like that
16:29Hey, hey, how you doing bud? They said you wanted to see me. Yeah, take a seat. Um
16:36What they told you what's the tell we all got out in one piece, right, right
16:41Listen, I've got a really big favor to ask. Go ahead ask forgive the interruption sir. I suddenly remembered you haven't eaten
16:50Here you go soup a roll and a vitamin booster great. I'm famished
16:56But that was for
16:59I'll get some more sir. I don't want any more. I'm not gonna eat you
17:04More sir, I don't want any more. I just need a main course and get me one of those drip things like he's got
17:12As I was saying
17:15Then some Himalayan sea salt
17:18Listen cat you wanted to ask me something
17:20Yeah, look, I'm not gonna be about the bush here. I was gonna come right out and say
17:24It's gonna come right out and say I'm not gonna be about the bush
17:29It's gonna come right out and say
17:32In a minute I
17:35Need you to
17:40Give me
17:42One of your kidneys kidneys, this is fish
17:50Food you don't the organ that crazy droid organ that mine then they got nuked in the gunfight
17:57So let me get this straight, I'll give you one of my kidneys, what do I get a hole?
18:07Where your kidney used to be
18:10So I'll give you a kidney you give me a home
18:13You keep the kidney. I keep the hope my gift to you. I
18:17Tell you what, it's not your kidneys that need replacing. It's your damn brain
18:22If you don't give me a kidney and I die think how you feel better than you
18:29You know, I think this is all from you it's just all because I know you I know you
18:34And when push comes to shove you'll do what's right? I
18:39Won't do what's right. I
18:42Hate doing what's right?
18:45All these years we've been together you think someone knows you
18:50You don't know me at all
19:06Ah, I thought you might be here how can I be of service sir, I'd quite like to see you with regard to your
19:15psychiatric skills
19:17I've got some issues with my father who I discovered wasn't my father
19:23Also, I've got some issues with my mother who very sadly is my mother
19:29Also, I've got brothers. I should probably sit down
19:34But when I woke up in the morning she was gone and so was the lettuce
19:41Why would anyone do that to my teddy bear
19:45And she was shouting at me more talcum powder more talcum powder, but I didn't have any talcum powder
19:56Why did she get the green crayon
20:01So, what do you think you've said nothing all session and if you don't say anything, how can I ever feel better about myself
20:10Unless of course you're doing it deliberately, but why
20:18You want me to realize the only person who can help me is me
20:24My god, that's just cut straight to the heart of it. No wonder they call you brilliant. I
20:30Confess I was skeptical at first. I think it was the egg flipper thing that rotates on your head that put me off
20:35But you are right
20:37But you are right it's about me I've got a look inside myself and find my own hero
20:45Is that time up
20:50Look I'll see you next session
20:55Well, he said no, what are we going to do?
21:00Well, I've got an idea
21:02How's your limo these days you still do that crazy nervous stuttery thing, please sir
21:08I am now fluent in all the deceptive arts. I
21:12Could work for FIFA
21:14Ah
21:27There you are sir, I've been looking everywhere for you
21:30There's been the most TT TT TT terrible mix-up with the me
21:37Mix up
21:39It's not
21:41Mr. Lister who needs a new kidney sir, it's you me. Yes, sir. You I need a new kid
21:53Yes, sir, I must go and tell mr. Lister he will be so pleased
21:58No, no, no wait slow down. I need to see him first
22:01Oh
22:07Hey there buddy, I come to tuck you in okay, here I go
22:25By the way, I thought about what you said about the kidney thing and I thought
22:30What would you do if this whole situation was reversed, you know what I'd do I'd give you a kidney in 10 seconds flat
22:37That's why I'm gonna give you one of my kidneys
22:40No way
22:44It's yours, but just slice me open and haul it out and while you're in there if you take a shine to anything else
22:51Just grab that too
22:54You want 20 yards of my lower intestine
22:57Just unroll that sucker throw it over your shoulder and stroll on out. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine
23:04But skis till the day I get my first wrinkle, right?
23:09Right, what's this?
23:13Consent form you need to sign it. Well, give me a pen. Let's get this done
23:18Cuz like you said the roads were reversed you'd be there for me, right? Damn, right
23:24It's just one tea, right I
23:29Knew that Oh
23:31Mr. Lister, sir. I scarcely know where to begin
23:35Calm down, bud
23:38Whatever's wrong. I got the kidney tests mixed up
23:42No
23:44He got the kidney tests mixed up
23:48At first I thought it was mr. Lister who had no kidneys, but when I checked the results again
23:54I discovered it was you who had no kidneys, sir. I'm gonna have to get myself a kidney then
24:00But where?
24:05But then I thought to myself if you have no kidneys, how come you're not dead yeah, how come you're not dead
24:13Why
24:15Is that well then I went and looked at the meta results again and blow me I discovered I
24:22Hadn't made a mistake after all
24:29Mr. Lister needs new kidneys not user. I've got the form. I've got it signed. Let's get smocked up and do this
24:39What's that pre-op injection sir, it'll help you relax. Oh, I very much doubt that
24:56Asleep yes, are you ready to rewrite the DNA?
25:01Before we begin. What do you do when a bunch of people think you're some fancy Dan DNA?
25:07Medi-computer when in fact, that's not what you do at all
25:11What do you do?
25:13Look on my back
25:16snacky automated snack dispenser for service, please call and there's a number with a Milton Keynes dialing code
25:37So, where does this leave us?
25:39Well without a state-of-the-art Medabot, we can't rewrite the cat's DNA and his kidneys won't be compatible
25:47It's like VHS and Betamax or the Catholic Church and science
25:54Well, you're not space station I came across this skeleton, right
25:57It was weird because the DNA on the knife was the same as the DNA in the body
26:03Could this Ramiro guy I've smelled being killed by his own clone and if so, can we clone me?
26:10I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Ramiro wasn't killed by his own clone
26:15Who killed him then?
26:17He was a stasis engineer working on a project to hack stasis booths in order to create a portal back into the past
26:25He used to talk about it with his colleagues when they were ordering snacks
26:29One day his future self appeared and told him to never go back in time or he'd be stabbed to death
26:35The younger Ramiro refused to believe him and stabbed him to death
26:40He realized what a terrible thing he'd done. So he went back in time to warn his younger self, but got stabbed to death
26:50Could we use his research somehow you mean use Ramiro's
26:54Configuration to go back in time and take the younger. Mr. Lister's kidneys and insert them into you, sir
27:01But wouldn't his future self drop dead not if we insert an MTK chip in him to keep him going
27:08Until he turns from younger. Mr. Lister into present-day. Mr. Lister
27:13How can you make my internal organs with me not notice it?
27:16We chloroform you swipe your kidneys and then you wake up feeling groggy think you must have got blackout drunk, which you did
27:24You know, that's right, I blacked out and then spent two days in bed feeling like the living dead no offense
27:32And I couldn't understand it because I remember having two drinks
27:37But it wasn't that was because I had no kidneys. I only have the MTK chip keeping me alive
27:43You know, I believe we can do this sir. How no one knows how to reconfigure the stasis booths
27:50What about you?
27:52I'm a snack machine
27:55Did you overhear Ramiro when he was talking about the adjustments
27:59But he only ever figured out how to go back 30 years
28:03Going back just a few days needs precision accuracy. Well, you could build on his findings
28:09I'm just a snack dispenser. I just dispense snacks
28:13But when we had our therapy sessions you taught me how to find a hero inside myself
28:18No, I didn't and you know why I'm just a snack dispenser
28:23Yes, you're just a snack dispenser if you think you're just a snack dispenser, but you're not only a snack dispenser
28:30You're something more if you decide you want to be something more you taught me that in our first session
28:34I didn't teach you anything. You know, I
28:38Got this one. Is it cuz you're a snack dispenser? I'm a snack dispenser
28:44Let me ask you a few questions
28:46How do you unify the triode valve you reduce the transmogulator setting? Yes
28:54Did you know that no, it's just a long way. It's good enough for me
28:58What does GFR stand for gyrospectic functioning rate?
29:04You're right. Perhaps I can do this
29:08Okay, get me to the nearest stasis booth
29:13I
29:23Should do it. All right, then. Let's do this. Oh
29:27Before we do not about the twirly whalers, please
29:31I'm a stasis booth engineer
29:34Changed
29:43It's
29:45Sunday it works
29:49The MTK chip is expiring sir, we haven't got much time
29:52I
30:12Suffers old boots
30:22You
30:26What now
30:28We've got to return that mister to the sleeping quarters and then get this sister back to the present
30:33We can recuperate in the science room and get back to full health
30:37Someone's coming. It's crucial. We're not discovered by our old selves. This can populate the entire space-time continuum quick in here
30:47We're so says sleeping quarters and make it snappy
30:52I
31:02Come on come on
31:03Why are you always so slow I've seen snails with club feet travel faster than you the French army after lunch move quicker
31:12Sir, your past self is calling for the lift. Don't tell him anything. You'll blow the timeline. He's getting really angry, sir
31:19Ignore him. He's an idiot, but he's you
31:22He's passed me present me is a whole lot smarter. I
31:26Understand now why you were so slow you were transporting us, but you couldn't tell me he's threatening to fire me, sir
31:33How could you fire a lift? What is wrong with him? He's a total gimboid
31:38Look, I'll make it right when I'm back in the present
31:41I'll unfire you promote you even install you in that swanky glass shaft over on the officers deck
31:48How does that sound officers deck that sounds marvelous, sir?
31:53a
31:55Couple of days recuperating in the science room sir, and you'll be right back
32:02Run!
32:03Lights!
32:13Wait for me!
32:21A couple of days recuperating in the science room, sir, and you'll be right as rain.
32:26I'm going to be okay.
32:27And so will the past you, whose kidneys you've bodied out to give to yourself.
32:31Where would I be without me?
32:33Probably sat here without any kidneys, whereas now I'm sat there without any kidneys.
32:37Good old me, eh?
32:52Ah, hello, Rimmer. Remember me?
32:55Of course.
32:56They moved you down to shaft six?
33:00Three weeks I've been waiting for that promotion, you promise me?
33:03Yes, that sort of slipped my mind.
33:06I've got some news.
33:07Snacky's installed a nuclear power reactor to my counterbalance,
33:11which means I can now travel between floors at close to the speed of light.
33:15I haven't tested it yet, though.
33:17I've been waiting for you, Rimmer.
33:19Close to the speed of light?
33:21I'm going to take you on the ride of your life.
33:24Now just hang on!
33:26No, you hang on.
33:54Oh, it's so freakin' fresh
33:56Mango juice
33:58Goldfish jaws
34:00Sizzling out my toes
34:02Fun, fun, fun
34:05It's the fun, fun, fun
34:10Fun, fun, fun
34:13It's the fun, fun, fun
34:24Thanks for watching!