Red Dwarf S10 E03 - Lemons
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00:52Stop what are you doing bud?
00:54We're having a crazy golf championship in the mini lab.
00:56It's gonna be insane!
00:58I don't think so.
01:00You won't say that when you see the course.
01:02It's amazing!
01:04This holds the fourth on the autopsy table.
01:08The bath lift takes you up to the tee.
01:10Out of bounds, marked by the commode cushions.
01:12You have to land your drive
01:14over the bunion plasters in between the two
01:16kidney donor dishes.
01:18Then a straight shot into the medical student's
01:20practice rectum.
01:24Not now man, can't you see I'm cooking?
01:26Steak?
01:28What is it, pork?
01:30I found a deep freeze down on B deck next to Crichton's quarters.
01:32Enough for me?
01:34Just one steak, one chop, one rib.
01:36Great! Just enough!
01:38Catch you later.
01:44I'm loving this pork!
01:50Maybe it needs a little more soy sauce.
01:52Ow!
01:56Listen!
01:58I've been meaning to say...
02:00Books?
02:02You've been reading again, haven't you?
02:06Listen, I've told you a million times,
02:08don't read, it messes you up.
02:10It's like giving a hamster
02:12who's only used to his little wheel
02:14the keys to an Aston Martin.
02:18Crazy things are gonna happen.
02:20It's part of my robotics course,
02:22I've gotta read it.
02:24Makes you feel so inadequate.
02:26You know, Mozart was only five
02:28when he wrote Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
02:30I wasn't even
02:32toilet trained when I was five.
02:34You've barely mastered it now.
02:38How do these people get to be so great?
02:40I mean, Shakespeare.
02:42I don't understand anything he wrote,
02:44but man, what a dude.
02:46Plays, poems, and a whole bunch of expressions.
02:48A dish fit for a king,
02:50that was Shakespeare, what a great expression.
02:52Is it, though?
02:54Is it a great expression?
02:56A dish fit for a king.
02:58I say that all the time, this is a dish
03:00fit for a king, that's a great expression.
03:02I love that expression, that's Shakespeare.
03:04You've gotta hand it to him.
03:06He could really write a good expression.
03:08Who couldn't have thought of that?
03:10In a pickle?
03:12That was another Shakespeare expression.
03:14In a pickle?
03:16How brilliant is that?
03:18You know what it means?
03:20Mixed up stewed spicy vegetables
03:22in a pickle jar.
03:24And how are we supposed to know
03:26what the inside of a 16th century
03:28pickle jar looks like?
03:30And how is that relevant to our
03:32non-pickly lives here in deep space today?
03:36When will people learn
03:38Shakespeare, it's over!
03:42The money that guy must have made
03:44out of a few lousy expressions and a bad haircut.
03:46Bad haircut?
03:48Don't tell me
03:50you haven't noticed his bad haircut.
03:52But because he's had a few
03:54hit expressions, he gets away with it.
03:56What's wrong with his haircut?
03:58He's got a skullet.
04:00A skull what?
04:02A bald mullet.
04:04A skullet.
04:06Bald at the front,
04:08mullet at the back.
04:10You wouldn't want to go out
04:12in public with this guy.
04:14Here's the most incredible news.
04:16Someone's died and you've been left
04:18a new mop.
04:20Me, sir, give me some credit.
04:22I'm not the one-dimensional
04:24cleaning droid I once was.
04:26I've evolved into something far more
04:28complex and multi-layered, and if I may say so,
04:30superior.
04:34Stain.
04:36Smudge.
04:38Smear.
04:40Speck.
04:42Creep.
04:44The creeps were
04:46in transit, sir. I opened the first one
04:48and found this.
04:50What is it? It's a rejuvenation
04:52shower, sir. It rewinds
04:54each individual's genome
04:56and returns the body to any point
04:58in its past. It can restore
05:00you to your physical prime.
05:02Oh, man, how great is that?
05:04I can go back to last Thursday.
05:06Oh.
05:08What?
05:10It's Swedish.
05:12So?
05:14It's a flat pack self-assembly.
05:16We have to build it
05:18ourselves. With just an
05:20Allen key and a Phillips screwdriver,
05:22assembly should take less than
05:24three hours. That's Swedish
05:26for a week.
05:36That's not a million miles away, you know.
05:38What about all these spare parts
05:40we didn't use?
05:42Alignment bracket.
05:44What the hell's an alignment bracket?
05:46Oh, look, we have taken this thing
05:48apart and put it back together
05:50a hundred times.
05:52Oh, yeah?
05:54Yeah.
05:56Oh, yeah.
05:58Oh, yeah.
06:00Oh, yeah.
06:02Oh, yeah.
06:04Oh, yeah.
06:06We've taken that thing apart and put it back together
06:08a hundred times. It's aligned,
06:10all right. In what area
06:12is it not aligned? In no area.
06:14It's good to go. It's aligned.
06:16Let's do it.
06:18Who's gonna test it?
06:20Mmm, we need something unimportant
06:22and meaningless. Blistey, you wrap that up.
06:24Might be something here.
06:26Bits of black plastic.
06:28Bits of metal that don't look important.
06:30Ol' battery.
06:32something alive, something teeming with life.
06:34Oh, sir, what about your socks?
06:36LAUGHTER
06:39Stand back, everyone. They're coming through.
06:43OK, I'm rejuvenating the socks.
06:50Whoa! Beams!
06:53We're getting covered in beamer light.
06:55They're misaligned!
06:57That's what those elaborate brackets were for!
07:01What's happened? Where are we?
07:04Damn cheap Swedish flat-pack self-assembly rejuvenation showers.
07:10Where the hell has it sent us?
07:12I fear we may have time-travelled, sirs.
07:15I told you those white plastic clippy things were important.
07:19Trees.
07:21This may be Earth.
07:23It's always Earth with you guys.
07:25You see some trees? It's Earth.
07:28Who's to say it isn't a planet entirely populated by naked warrior cat babes
07:32who need me to make love to them all?
07:35And what are the chances of that?
07:37If you've never had a dream, you've never had a dream come true.
07:43We're in a land called Albion, sirs, better known as Britain.
07:47And the year is 23 AD.
07:5023 AD! When Britain's all nutters back then.
07:54Running round sporting blue tattoos, out their heads on booze,
07:58fighting, vomiting and passing out.
08:01A phase that doesn't end any time soon, sir.
08:04Maybe we can stay.
08:06We've got to get back to the dwarf and find Kachansky.
08:10No fear, sir. I have the returner remote right here.
08:15Oh, it doesn't appear to be functioning.
08:18Does it need a battery by any chance?
08:20Eight volts, about yay big?
08:24I tell you what, we'll make a battery.
08:27Out of what? Trees and moss?
08:30Out of potatoes. We did it at school.
08:33A potato, a copper coin and an iron nail.
08:36We can make a one-volt battery.
08:38Make eight, connect them up, we've got eight volts and can return home.
08:42Britain in 23 AD, sir, doesn't have any potatoes
08:46and won't get them until the 16th century.
08:50Lemons. The exact same battery, but with lemons.
08:54Britain in 23 AD, sir, doesn't have any lemons either.
08:58They won't get those until the 14th century.
09:01You're getting closer.
09:04So where's our nearest lemon?
09:06Best guess, sir, India.
09:08India? How far is that?
09:104,000 miles, sir.
09:12If we walk briskly, we'll get there in six months.
09:15Six months?
09:17I can't wait.
09:19We've got no choice if we want to get home.
09:22Let's face it, sir, we're in a real pickle.
09:26Mr. Lister, sir, India is this way.
09:48THEY CHATTER
09:53There's our kid.
10:14Namaste.
10:16Albion Bolte. Albion Pasha. Albion Pasha.
10:20I lived in the land of Albion for ten full cycles of the moon,
10:25but I fled after my family were dragged,
10:28screaming from my home to a mighty wicked tower
10:31where they were sacrificed to the three gods,
10:34Teutates, Iusus and Tyrannus.
10:37First they were grotted to death, then they were burned to death,
10:41then they were drowned to death.
10:43Three deaths to appease the three gods.
10:46Then the Druids drank their blood and ate their meat
10:50and said that the harvest would be bountiful.
10:54Right, have you got any lemons?
10:59They've not been launched in Europe,
11:01but I've heard they've been released here.
11:03Oh, lemons!
11:06Oh, lemons!
11:10We come from Albion,
11:12through Gaul, across half the Roman Empire,
11:15Persia, Pathia, all for this very fruit.
11:19This one here? Is it famous?
11:22No, not that one in particular.
11:24We're in search of lemons in general.
11:27We've walked 4,000 miles.
11:30How many do you want?
11:32Eight.
11:35We've walked across half the known world for eight lemons.
11:39You're right, that's absolutely insane.
11:42Make it ten.
11:45Have you got a bag?
11:47It's a bag.
11:49Bags haven't been invented yet, sir.
11:51In 23 AD, the rich have satchels made of goat hide.
11:56So what did everyone else do?
11:58They dropped things, sir.
12:00Right, what next?
12:02Apart from new feet.
12:04We need copper for the positive electrode.
12:07Copper? Where are we going to get copper?
12:10Isn't Britain famous for its copper?
12:14Oh, no way.
12:16I said we needed a shopping list.
12:18Didn't I say we need a list?
12:20Hang on. Aren't copper coins made of copper?
12:24He's right.
12:26I think I read that somewhere.
12:28There we go. Copper.
12:31Next up, galvanised nails.
12:34And a shave.
12:37Yay!
12:39Finally got the Svalright oar from a Chinese merchant.
12:42Three weeks for a few lousy nails?
12:45Everything's so damn primitive here.
12:48You have to remember, sir, that many things have yet to be discovered.
12:51In 23 AD, they still believed the Earth was flat.
12:55The Tourette's and epilepsy were caused by demons,
12:58and an oxen had a higher standing in society than a woman.
13:03Where did the oxen go wrong?
13:07They had it all and just threw it all away.
13:10Also, did you know that the colour purple is a luxury item?
13:15It's made from crushed seashells, and only the very rich can afford it.
13:19Colour purple?
13:21What's wrong with just mixing red stuff with blue stuff?
13:24They haven't discovered that yet, sir.
13:26Really? Jesus!
13:30Yes?
13:38I'm sorry?
13:40I'm just talking to my mate here.
13:43Oh. My apologies.
13:45No worries.
13:49No way.
13:51It can't be, can it?
13:53Look, don't stare.
13:55In 23 AD, this was when he was supposed to be alive.
13:59So how old would he be?
14:04Well, let's work it out, shall we?
14:08In 23 AD, he'd be...
14:2423.
14:28That's how old that guy looks.
14:31What's he doing in India?
14:33Shouldn't he be in Nazareth or somewhere making tables?
14:36Maybe he's on his gap year.
14:40Well, according to the Bible, sirs,
14:42there was no sight of him from when he was a young child to when he was 30.
14:46Ah, so this is like Club 1830, the holy version?
14:50The missing years. I've heard about this.
14:53He toured the world, perfecting his teachings.
14:56I'm going to get his autograph.
14:58No way.
15:00eBay. It'll be worth a fortune.
15:03You don't even believe in him.
15:05Look, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
15:08All I'm going to say is, sorry to be a bore,
15:10I bet you get this all the time,
15:12but you're him off the Bible, aren't you?
15:14Sorry to be a bore, I bet you get this all the time,
15:17but you're him off the Bible, aren't you?
15:21What's wrong with that? Arima, please, don't say that.
15:24Look, it'll be fine.
15:26We'll get talking, I'll tell him my middle name's Judas.
15:32If one thing could lead to another, we could wind up big buds.
15:36Why is your middle name Judas?
15:39Judas embodied all the traits my mum wanted me to have.
15:45Your mum wanted you to be a two-faced, double-crossing,
15:48conniving snitch.
15:50She must have been very proud of you.
15:54She was a member of the Church of Judas.
15:57They believed that Jesus asked Judas to swap places with him.
16:00So Judas was crucified,
16:03and Jesus was able to show up the following Monday and say,
16:06I'm back, baby, I'm back.
16:10And nobody noticed?
16:12OK. Judas' full name was James Judas Didymus.
16:18James means twin, Didymus means twin.
16:22Judas was Jesus' twin bro.
16:25Jesus had a twin bro?
16:27According to the Church of Judas.
16:31So Judas sacrificed himself and his reputation
16:35and became someone who was sneered at and reviled throughout history.
16:39Just like you!
16:43Your mum was really smart!
16:47So what happened to Jesus afterwards?
16:49He went to the south of France with Mary Magdalene,
16:52had a family and invented the wheelbarrow.
16:56Here goes.
16:58Sit down, please, sit down.
17:00Brothers, brothers,
17:02I fear thou are impatient for thine food.
17:06Please, join me.
17:13WHIRRING
17:24We are all travellers. Share with me.
17:28Wow!
17:31What an honour!
17:34Incidentally, we know who you are.
17:37Recognise the sandals.
17:40I'm Rimmer.
17:42You can call me Arn or Big Man.
17:46Talking of big, big, big fan of yours.
17:50Big, big fan.
17:53Would the gladiator like to join us too?
17:58I'd be most honoured, sir, although I am not a gladiator.
18:02I'm a man of peace.
18:04Then thou shall sit next to me.
18:09LAUGHTER
18:23Look at all this food!
18:26A dish fit for a king!
18:32You are all from the land of Albion, I think.
18:35I have visited Albion.
18:37Walked across the River of Mersey.
18:41All those old prams, it's not hard, is it?
18:45There was a bridge.
18:47Oh, got you, I thought you meant...
18:50Ah! My uncle.
18:52When I was returning from the men's home, I spied two soldiers.
18:56Jesus, they're onto us.
18:59Problem?
19:01Mine enemies are many.
19:04I will slow their path, take them from this place
19:07and protect them, I beseech thee.
19:09You shall not pass while there's a breath left in my body.
19:13For the love I have for my Lord is like a sea without a shore,
19:17like a sky without...
19:19I wasn't ready.
19:21I was still speechy.
19:25The only escape from our enemies is to turn and love them.
19:28Or run. Running is good too.
19:30Down there!
19:34Come on.
19:50Look, this door isn't going to hold for long.
19:52I must face them, forgive them and teach them the gift of love.
19:56And in return, you'll saw off your limbs and stack them in a small pile.
20:01What do we do?
20:03We need to fill the lemon battery, get back to Red Dwarf and go from there.
20:07Take H.D. with us.
20:09We can't leave him here, sir.
20:11Leave me. I must face thine enemies alone.
20:14I have no fear of death.
20:16Stick with me, kid. You'll soon change.
20:19Are you OK?
20:21I have pain, but it will pass.
20:26No time to waste, Brighton. Stop wiring the lemons.
20:29We need wire. I'll use my finger.
20:33The gladiator removes his finger?
20:36It's as if I've smoked some bark from an acacia tree.
20:40Bad bark. Well bad bark.
20:44Just relax. We're just making a battery.
20:47It stores energy, sir.
20:49Electromagnetic interactions between subatomic particles.
20:53Or to simplify, the copper coin,
20:56which is a ductile metal with high thermal and electrical conductivity,
21:00serves as the positive electrode.
21:02And the galvanized nail is the electron producing negative electrode.
21:07The zinc is oxidized and produces an electrochemical reaction,
21:12which generates an electrical charge all from the lemon.
21:17Interesting. I have but one question.
21:20Oh, fire away, sir.
21:22What's a lemon?
21:26Enjoy the moment. You're no longer the dumb one.
21:29Thanks, Bob.
21:31The door's going.
21:33Quick, group together. Side circle. Let's go.
21:45Lemons truly are an amazing fruit.
21:49Now, I'm glad to be back.
21:51At last I can get a change of underwear.
21:53These suckers are riding so hard, they'd show up on x-rays.
21:57Suggest we clean up and then return to 23 AD.
22:01In the meantime, I'll have a tinker with the rejuve shower.
22:09It is totally amazing.
22:12What are you showing him? The TV?
22:14No. A bag.
22:16You can store any object into its strange cloth walls
22:23and then carry these objects any...
22:25I'm dizzied by its genius.
22:28Look, look at the things that I can...
22:31Ooh, ooh.
22:33What?
22:35The demon returns.
22:37Demon? What demon?
22:39The one that lurks within me is reawoken.
22:42Lister, have you given Jesus a vindaloo?
22:46Of course not. We're a Jalfrezi.
22:50Where does it hurt, sir?
22:52My back.
22:54When did it start?
22:5614 nights ago. It sleeps. It wakes.
23:01Excuse me.
23:06Well, we'll need an x-ray to confirm,
23:08but I think he's got a kidney stone.
23:10We may need to operate.
23:12Is it life-threatening?
23:14Depends who's operating.
23:1714 days.
23:19Sounds like the stone's too big to pass.
23:22His kidney could shrivel and die,
23:24and complications could set in.
23:26We get him down the medilab.
23:28We fix him up. We beam him back to AD 23.
23:31What's the problem?
23:32We can't trust the medicomputer, sir.
23:34Remember what happened when you went for
23:36a mumps and rubella injection?
23:38Yeah, and I asked for the rube jab.
23:40Woke up with a boob job.
23:43So, we're going to have to do it.
23:45But we're not qualified.
23:47I'm perfectly qualified, sir.
23:49After all, I've been operating on Mr. Lister for years.
23:52You what?
23:54Not trusting the medicomputer, sir.
23:56What choice do I have?
23:58What kind of operations?
24:00It was all above board, sir.
24:02I asked Mr. Rimmer for permission.
24:08Sir, you remember that stomach pain
24:10you had a few months ago?
24:12You remember the searing agony you were in?
24:14Yeah.
24:16And remember how that just sort of stopped?
24:18Yeah.
24:20Well, that's because I performed a splenectomy on you, sir.
24:22What?
24:24I removed your spleen.
24:26My spleen?
24:28You removed my spleen?
24:30Well, where is it? I might need that.
24:32It's with the rest of your organs.
24:34In the freezer.
24:36Next to my quarters.
24:38Your quarters?
24:40On B deck.
24:52Excuse me.
24:58So, this operation, what does it involve?
25:00Well, we need to insert a laser
25:02and a ureteroscope
25:04up his urethra,
25:06take the stone and haul it out.
25:08Right, and the only urethra I know
25:10is Urethra Franklin.
25:12In English.
25:14Here's a hint.
25:16It's the last place any man wants anyone
25:18inserting anything.
25:20You what?
25:22You're stuffed and stuffed with Schneiberhauser?
25:24Do you know who we're dealing with here?
25:26Sir, it's a perfectly standard operation.
25:28That's because you're not a member
25:30of the Schneiberhauser Club.
25:32But me, a self-appointed
25:34president of the Schneiberhauser
25:36Owners' Society, let me tell you,
25:38that is not a standard operation.
25:40Or perhaps
25:42we shouldn't inform him of what we intend
25:44to do. I think he might notice,
25:46don't you?
25:48What's the plan? I keep him talking over dinner
25:50while you disappear under the table?
25:52Best bet for a smooth operation,
25:54he's out cold.
25:56I thought we'd run out of anaesthetic.
25:58Who needs anaesthetic?
26:00Just tell him what you're going to do,
26:02Mr. Spots.
26:04Mr. Lister, sir,
26:06could you hold this?
26:08I'm not
26:10holding it. I barely know him.
26:14Oh, someone's got to hold it while I
26:16insert the camera.
26:18Don't look at me.
26:20I'm done throwing up for today.
26:22Well, then
26:24you'll have to do it, sir.
26:26I don't want to be a holder. Why can't I be a shover?
26:28You're not qualified to be
26:30a shover, sir.
26:32I'll hold it.
26:34It'll be an absolute privilege
26:36to hold it. Be what?
26:38Pass the barbecue tongs.
26:40This
26:42is the high point of my entire
26:44career.
26:52Well, we should let him rest, sirs.
26:54He'll be raring to go in the morning.
26:56Your kindness
26:58is boundless.
27:00Need anything to do, just holler. There's some books
27:02on the table if you get bored. Computer games.
27:04Feel free.
27:06Just the bag.
27:08Just the bag.
27:20Mr. Jesus, sir, good morning.
27:24Mr. Jesus?
27:26Oh.
27:28He hath risen.
27:34Oh.
27:40Oh, goodness.
27:56Well,
27:58who is the idiot who let him read a history book?
28:00Oh, look, I didn't think.
28:02Didn't it occur to you that him reading about
28:04how many wars Christianity's caused
28:06might mess him up a bit?
28:08So where's he now? Well, according to
28:10the note, he's gone back to 23
28:12AD so he can trash
28:14his reputation so
28:16this Christianity-thingeth
28:18never taketh
28:20offethetheth.
28:22What? No Christianity?
28:24What about Christmas? We've killed Wallace and Gromit.
28:30Trash his reputation? How can he do that?
28:33Well, breaking the Ten Commandments might be a pretty good place to start.
28:37So wait a minute, he's gone back to 23 AD and we can't go and get him because he's taken the remote.
28:44We do have a spare, sir.
28:49Aaron, Aaron, Aaron!
28:51Jesus, my boy! Come, come, come!
28:53I'm looking for my uncle. Has thou seen him?
28:56No.
28:57If thou seest him, tell him that I will be in the tavern drinking wine in great plenty
29:04until my legs do the dance of a newly born camel.
29:08And then my mind will turn to dark, vile thoughts and I'll start coveting my neighbour's oxen!
29:18That's breaking the Ten Commandments, that is.
29:21And if there's time, I might even covet his donkey.
29:27And when I've finished coveting things, I might make a small statue out of wood and idolise it a bit.
29:34You better watch yourself. God is a jealous God.
29:37You do that and he won't just get you, you know.
29:40According to the Second Commandment, he'll wipe out all your descendants.
29:45Isn't that breaking the Sixth Commandment?
29:48Thou shalt not kill?
29:50It's not killing, it's genocide. I think that's okay.
29:59So, doesn't God break the Tenth Commandment?
30:03Wishing people worshipped him when they worshipped someone else?
30:07I mean, isn't that coveting the followers of your neighbour's God?
30:10Don't you try and trip God up.
30:13He wrote those commandments in a rush.
30:16You didn't have time to get him proofread.
30:20It's strange, but these Ten Commandments seem to ignore the rights of women and children,
30:27but are big on protecting the rights of oxen, slave and donkey owners.
30:32I mean, it's almost as if a man made up these commandments to keep primitive people in check.
30:41There he is, get him!
30:44Whoa! Jesus! Stop him! Stop that man! Jesus!
30:56You want a fight then, doth thou?
30:58No.
30:59Well, put him up then. Let's see what you don't do, I think.
31:02Just because I'm a man of peace, I can't punch your teeth out.
31:05I'm not fighting you, Jesus. It'd be like punching Gandhi.
31:10Oh, no, no, no! Mind my hair! You're messing up my hair!
31:16Look, don't do this. Why not?
31:19Look, so some stupid people did some stupid things in your name.
31:23It's not your fault. You make a lot of people happy.
31:27I mean, look at me.
31:29I presumed that throughout my life, I'd be the happiest man in the world.
31:35I mean, look at me.
31:37I presumed that throughout history, all famous people were amazing.
31:42And that I met you.
31:44And I realised they're not.
31:46In fact, you're a bit of a knob.
31:50Just like me. Which means that I'm okay.
31:54Yeah, I don't want to be me.
31:56I don't want to walk down the street and have people say,
31:59oh, look, there's the Jesus of Caesarea, the guy who caused all the wars.
32:04Jesus of Caesarea?
32:06You mean Jesus of Nazareth?
32:09Jesus of Caesarea, son of Rachel the fornicator,
32:12Samuel the chicken stealer.
32:16Samuel the chicken stealer?
32:18He stole them, not me. Take it up with him.
32:21I'm always having a leg up because of him.
32:24Is Jesus quite a popular name around here?
32:27Yeah, there's a few of us. There's Jesus, son of John with a funny nose.
32:31There's also Jesus, son of Luke.
32:33He wraps plant leaves around the feet of horses.
32:36There's about 70 of us at the last census.
32:42Does this mean I'm not the son of God?
32:46Oh, bugger.
32:48Count your blessings. It's not been all bad.
32:51And how's that? You've had a little trip to the future.
32:56Take what you've learned and do something with it.
33:01Get your bugs. Genuine GC bugs, people.
33:04Come on, get your bugs.
33:07One bowl of goat curry. I'm right over here.
33:10Hey, check this.
33:14I bid thee good day.
33:16Hast thou booked?
33:17Jesus. Table for two.
33:23My brother booked it may be in his name.
33:25And his name, sir?
33:27Judas.
33:32Here it is.
33:36Rematch?
33:37Sit down!
34:01I walk to the live ship and let me comb my toes
34:05Getting fresh mango juice
34:09Goatfish jaws, nibbling on my toes
34:13Fun, fun, fun
34:16It's fun, fun, fun
34:20Fun, fun, fun
34:24It's fun, fun, fun
34:31It's fun, fun, fun