According to Jim
  • last year
Transcript
00:30Criken, it's me. You there?
00:55Yes, sir. I'm here, sir. Reading you. Over.
00:58There's something on little monitor two. Weird shape, really massive. What is it?
01:04It's your kebab, sir, as requested. Over.
01:08What? This is a kebab?
01:14Wow, it's absolutely massive. It's a monster.
01:18A large chicken doner combo, salad, chilli sauce, everything. Over.
01:23All right, I'm going in. Good luck, sir.
01:53What? No way.
02:15What's that smell? Has there been a fire in here?
02:20It's a small one. I put it out with my beer.
02:23For goodness sake, Lister, that's terrible.
02:26Don't panic, I've got another one.
02:28You can't eat in the drive room.
02:31No foods or liquids around the work stations.
02:34Health and safety protocol one-two-one.
02:37Who cares about health and safety?
02:39We're getting life signs from this moon 200 clicks east.
02:43We're going to check it out.
02:45Lister, we have health and safety protocols for a reason, to safeguard the crew.
02:50What crew? The original crew?
02:53They all got wiped out, remember?
02:56Exactly. By you.
02:59Exactly. When you didn't fix that drive plate properly,
03:02and that radiation leak fried them to a crisp.
03:07Exactly.
03:09Which is why the whole health and safety protocol procedure has been updated.
03:13Because ultimately, who was truly to blame for that accident?
03:17The man or the system?
03:19The man.
03:21Was it the man, though? It was, yes.
03:24Or was it the system? It was the man, definitely the man.
03:28Or was it the system? The man.
03:31A system that allowed a technician to repair a drive plate
03:34without adequate training or know-how.
03:37A system that has since been completely overhauled by yours truly,
03:41so that an accident of that nature never happens again.
03:44So what you're saying is you learned valuable safety lessons
03:47from wiping out the crew, and as a result,
03:50you've updated the safety regulations,
03:52making this ship a much safer working environment for the crew you wiped out.
03:59Scoff away, Lister, but the point is we have new regulations,
04:03which means that you're going to have to fill in
04:05an accident report form for that fire.
04:07A what?
04:09And once it's completed, you'll have to submit it
04:11to the accident report assessment unit,
04:13care of the health and safety executive.
04:15And who the smeg would that be?
04:17Me.
04:22There are the forms.
04:24I am not filling out any smegging forms, Rimmer.
04:28I'm going to check this moon.
04:30Ignore that, and someone could get seriously hurt.
04:33Yeah, you if you keep talking.
04:36Hang on a minute. It's 20 pages.
04:39I'll send you on the other sections later.
05:01You're up late, sir.
05:03Been hunting.
05:05Trying to spot this damn space weevil.
05:08Little sucker keeps outsmarting me.
05:12Well, they do have an IQ of two, sir.
05:19One minute it's there, next minute it's gone.
05:21It's driving me crazy.
05:23What's happening with you?
05:25Well, I've been running some tests on the crystals
05:28I extracted from the quantum rod, sir.
05:31A by-product of the rod's ability to transport its host vessel
05:35seems to be a curious power of synchronicity.
05:38That's strange.
05:40Before I was napping,
05:42I had a dream you were doing something crazy with crystals.
05:45What a weird coincidence.
05:47Hey, we both said that at the same time.
05:50And that.
05:52What's going on?
05:54Why are we saying everything together?
05:58Probably just coincidence.
06:12I think that's fixed it, sir.
06:14You think that cube thing made us speak at the same time?
06:17I doubt it, sir.
06:19Probably just coincidence.
06:22What the hell's going on?
06:24Well, it seems the crystals, temporarily at least,
06:27have invigorated our sigh,
06:29making us more prone to coincidence.
06:32There was a fascinating book on the subject
06:35by a scientist called Arthur Koestler,
06:38which was called The Roots of Coincidence.
06:46There it is.
06:48How weird is that?
06:50According to Koestler,
06:52coincidence is more likely to happen to people
06:55in states of heightened emotion,
06:57as emotions lower consciousness
06:59while increasing the powers of the unconscious.
07:02So every time we're together and emotional,
07:05we're likely to experience this coincidence stuff?
07:08Only temporarily, sir.
07:10Speech weevil!
07:16Mr. Lister, some rather intriguing developments on the...
07:20Oh! Mr. Lister?
07:29Can I in?
07:31Can I knock the door?
07:33I forgot me keys!
07:37Open the door!
07:40Let me in!
07:51Sir, what on earth were you doing outside?
07:55Trying to get in, wasn't it obvious?
07:59We had a life sign confirmation from one of the scouters.
08:02I took Starbuck to check it out.
08:04That's the second moon with life signs we've passed
08:07in the last decade.
08:09I had no idea this region of space was so lively.
08:13Relax, man. Come round here, quite.
08:16You never get a moment's peace.
08:18You never get a moment's peace.
08:20Anyway, they're called Beggs.
08:22Biologically engineered garbage gobblers,
08:25created on Earth to eat refuse.
08:27They've got this digestive system
08:29that can cope with scuff and sediment,
08:31sludge and slop.
08:33Permanently inebriated with breath
08:35that could sandblast buildings.
08:37I'm so pleased for you, sir.
08:39At last you've got the opportunity
08:41to make new friends.
08:43I wanted to see if they'd help in finding Kachansky.
08:46Did they, sir?
08:47Nah, they've not seen her.
08:49Spent the whole evening drinking whiskey and playing poker.
08:52Anyway...
08:53Incidentally, sir, why were you outside with a jetpack?
08:57Let me finish. As I was saying...
08:59Sir, where is Starbuck?
09:01Let me finish. As I was saying, we were sat round...
09:04Sir, you lost Starbuck in a card game?
09:08You've spoiled the end now.
09:11Don't look at me like that.
09:13There is an upside.
09:14An upside? How can there be an upside?
09:16What's the upside?
09:17I lost Rimmer, too.
09:21Pick him up Friday.
09:23That's tomorrow.
09:25Sir, what on earth are we going to do?
09:27I know, 24 hours is going to be worse
09:29than being a kid on Christmas Eve.
09:33Oh, all right, all right.
09:35I'll go back tomorrow, get him back somehow.
09:37Starbuck, too.
09:39Speaking of Mr Rimmer,
09:40he asked me to give you these accident report forms
09:43for you to fill in.
09:44Oh, cheers, Kreutz.
09:47Night.
10:11Just drying the cutlery, sir.
10:13Using my heat outlet.
10:15Creighton, where's Lister? Have you seen him?
10:17I think he may be in the drive room, sir.
10:20Has he had an opportunity to talk to you yet, sir?
10:23Why?
10:24No reason, sir. I was just wondering.
10:26Do you know if he's completed
10:28that sheaf of health and safety forms yet?
10:31I think he may need another set, sir.
10:33You see, there was a slight accident
10:35with one of the passengers.
10:37I think he may need another set, sir.
10:39You see, there was a slight accident with the airlock
10:42and the papers were accidentally sucked out into space, sir.
10:47Another accident?
10:51That means he's going to have to fill out
10:53two sets of accident report forms.
10:55I'll get the papers.
10:56It wasn't an accident per se, sir.
10:59You mean he just flushed them out into space?
11:02I wouldn't put it exactly like that, sir.
11:04Were safety procedures followed?
11:06Was an airlock accident risk assessment form completed
11:09before he opened the airlock?
11:11That may have been overlooked, sir.
11:14Well, that's another set of forms he's going to have to fill in.
11:17I don't know whether I've got enough.
11:35Flushing safety reports into space.
11:40He's not going to get away with this.
11:43There's got to be a solution to this.
11:47I've just been speaking to Crichton
11:49and he told me what you did.
11:51Did he?
11:52I have to say I'm disappointed,
11:54but not the least bit surprised.
11:57Right.
11:59Well, you're taking it back than I expected.
12:02Expect people to let you down.
12:04You'll never be disappointed.
12:06Look, let me say right off that I'm truly sorry.
12:09I really am.
12:10You're not sorry.
12:11Of course I'm sorry.
12:12I've been up all night thinking about it.
12:14I can't sleep.
12:16Are you serious?
12:17Of course I'm serious.
12:18What I did was out of order, out of line.
12:21Beyond the pale.
12:24Wow.
12:26And just let me say I'll put everything to right
12:29first thing in the morning.
12:31First thing in the morning.
12:32I promise.
12:36Finally, after all these years
12:38of battering my head against a wall
12:40trying to make you into a person of calibre and stature
12:43who takes pride in the mundane and petty
12:46at last the pennies dropped.
12:49Misty, I have to say
12:51I think you've finally become
12:53the vending machine third technician of my dreams.
13:01What's this?
13:02The accident report forms.
13:06I haven't got time to waste
13:07twatting about with that.
13:10What?
13:12I've got to dig myself out of this hole I've got myself into.
13:15Hole? What hole?
13:17The gambling with begs hole.
13:21Gambling with begs?
13:23You've been gambling with begs?
13:25Those garbage munchers?
13:27Lister, I've told you a million times
13:30if you gamble with low lives there's only one loser.
13:33In this case there's two.
13:37Who's the other one?
13:38The guy about your height, your colouring
13:40who goes by the name of you.
13:43Mr Lister gambled you in a poker game, sir
13:46and I'm afraid to report he lost you.
13:50We're all deeply sorry, bud
13:52apart from me and him and him.
13:55Do you really think this is helping?
13:57I'm not here to help.
13:59Read my CV.
14:01Does not help.
14:03Does not clean.
14:04Will have sex with anything.
14:10You lost me in a poker game?
14:12Like I'm some kind of thing
14:14to be lost in a poker game?
14:18I was trying to win Starbuck back.
14:20I didn't have anything else to lose.
14:22I was trying to win Starbuck back.
14:24I didn't have anything else they wanted.
14:26Right, turn the engines up full power.
14:29We'll outrun them.
14:30Once they realise they can't catch us, they'll give up.
14:33Ah, we can't outrun them.
14:35Why not?
14:46Wow!
14:48Cool pants, bud!
14:52It's a big groin exploder, sir.
14:55It sure is.
14:57That's going to drive the chicks nuts.
15:00If I don't make good on me debt
15:02deliver him by midnight tomorrow
15:05and this thing is going to propel my love spuds
15:09to the far reaches of deep space.
15:12So what?
15:13You never used them anyway.
15:16Have you tried removing it, sir?
15:18It's rigged to blow off a tamper with it.
15:21There's a sign on the side.
15:22E-R-R-A.
15:24Error?
15:25Must be something to do with the manufacturer, but I can't trace him.
15:28I have to say, I'm taking no pleasure from this.
15:32No pleasure whatsoever.
15:35No, wait, in fact, that's completely wrong.
15:37I'm taking immense pleasure from this.
15:41It may not have occurred, sir, but if the exploder detonates
15:45killing Mr Lister
15:47then the ship will automatically shut down your hologramatic projection unit.
15:52If Mr Lister goes, you go with him.
15:55You're both sort of connected.
15:58Like we are.
15:59What a coincidence.
16:03A thought occurs, sir.
16:05This technology is way beyond anything the Beggs could manufacture.
16:09They have a low cunning
16:11but are a primitive race of little sophistication.
16:14Maybe that's our answer.
16:33From Paul Kersmin.
16:38He says, so you return with my winnings.
16:42And in keeping with our agreement,
16:44you deactivate the NACA attacker, yes?
16:51Is that the hologram?
16:54Yes, it is, but as you can see, he's old and rattled and fit for nothing.
17:04Instead, I bring this.
17:07This...
17:11The fabled...
17:13Spoon of Destiny.
17:17He that hath the spoon controls all things.
17:21No object hath such power.
17:28You know, controls.
17:30Controls what?
17:31Controls all.
17:33He swags and do more.
17:37He says, if the spoon controls all things, why are you trading it?
17:41Erm...
17:43Well, we just don't really use it much any more.
17:48And, erm...
17:50It's a good question.
17:51We prefer the ship of green
17:54and a sexy light man
17:57with a lady-leg so long and luscious.
18:05He speaks English!
18:07La Mopo Arugo Belen.
18:10English boarding school.
18:13Villain Garou.
18:15He went to an English boarding school?
18:17No, sir, he ate someone from an English boarding school.
18:21He forced them to teach them English and then he munched them whole.
18:25So, if it pleases, maybe we will play cards again.
18:29Perhaps you will win back your hologram and your ship of green.
18:35Or maybe you will lose.
18:37And if you do, we will take your droid
18:41and your scented shiny friend too.
18:49Look, we've got nothing to lose.
18:51Let's play.
18:53Yeah!
18:56I have a bad feeling about this.
18:58I've got this one, Kreutz.
19:00Sir, you're being set up again.
19:02Don't you see? They're not simple people.
19:04They're every bit as smart as you or I.
19:07I was close the last time. I just got a bit cocky.
19:10You choked. You always choke.
19:12You can't handle the pressure, bud.
19:14If anyone's gonna choke, they'll choke.
19:16They'll choke?
19:17Yeah, they're the chokers.
19:19They're not gonna choke.
19:23They're choking.
19:25Don't choke!
19:27How do you get out of this?
19:30Don't die! How do you get out of the explosion?
19:34What's he saying right now?
19:36He's speaking choking to death, sir.
19:38It's very hard to translate if you're not being strapped.
19:41No, don't die! Don't die!
19:48The only guys that can help me get out of this thing
19:51are now the dead!
19:53What am I gonna do now?
20:00Let me get this right.
20:02You guys have become quantum entangled somehow.
20:05Exactly.
20:07So you killed them.
20:09That event was always going to occur.
20:11It's just with our heightened emotions
20:13we were more aware of the synchronicity.
20:16Who cares? What am I gonna do now?
20:18Perhaps we can harness our newfound powers to help, sir.
20:22How?
20:23Kerstler said intense emotional states tend to drive coincidence.
20:27So you're saying we need to make you two emotional.
20:31Precisely.
20:32Getting me emotional?
20:34That's gonna be harder than you think.
20:36Ever heard of the expression, as cool as a cat?
20:40We're pretty hot to fluster, buddy.
20:44Stage one achieved.
20:46What do we do now?
20:48Who turned that on?
20:51He's a danger, isn't he?
20:53Oh, darling, can't we help him?
20:56He's got to get to the station. It's his only chance.
20:59But there's so little time.
21:01Station? Maybe some space station.
21:04It's up to him now.
21:06His fate is written in the stars.
21:12Maybe the stars have something to do with this.
21:15It's that book again.
21:17I'm not even gonna say it.
21:19Look.
21:20Stars and numbers.
21:22252311.
21:25Those sound like space coordinates.
21:28That's getting really annoying.
21:30That's what E-R-R-A is.
21:33It's a space station.
21:35Maybe the device was manufactured on the space station
21:39and ended up on this moon somehow.
21:42Let's punch these numbers into the Navicom and see where it takes us.
21:49So what is that place?
21:51It's the Erroneous Reasoning Research Academy, sir, or ERRA for short.
21:56Erroneous reasoning? What's that?
21:58Most of the great scientific breakthroughs
22:01come when two theories previously dismissed as wrong
22:04are combined to make a right.
22:07The double helix was discovered in this exact way.
22:11What did they do here?
22:12Well, they specialized in wrongness, sir.
22:15Wrongness?
22:16The staff were handpicked for their ability to be mistaken,
22:20for their gifts in fallacious analysis and defective reasoning.
22:25You could have excelled here.
22:28They were all outstandingly good at being consistently incorrect.
22:34There were a lot of referees, TV critics, weathermen.
22:39You were then re-educated in the sciences
22:42to develop extraordinary new erroneous theories
22:46that would be combined together to produce works of great genius.
22:51Did it work?
22:52No.
22:55The whole idea turned out to be wrong.
22:57The man behind the idea was so depressed he attempted suicide.
23:02Naturally, he failed and he went on to live into his 90s.
23:11Look, we know the device was manufactured here.
23:14The key to getting out of this has got to be here somewhere.
23:17Locking on to the mainframe.
23:19Oh, interesting.
23:21There appears to be some kind of life form in stasis.
23:25Maybe we can ask their advice.
23:27Top floor.
23:29I pressed top floor. How come we're going down?
23:33I'll press down.
23:38Now we're going up.
23:41Everything is wrong here.
23:44I don't think you're right, Krypton.
23:47I assure you I am, sir.
23:49No, I like this place.
23:52I'm very comfortable here.
23:55The smell, the atmosphere.
23:57It feels like home.
24:06The stasis booths are in there.
24:08How the hell do we get in?
24:10None of us can walk through walls.
24:12Oh, well, one of us can.
24:14Mr Rimmer, if he switches to soft light projection mode...
24:18Then once I'm in, change back to hard light projection mode.
24:21Highly likely there'll be a switch to open the door from inside the vault.
24:25Can you just make it quick? This is getting hotter.
24:28We're getting baked potatoes.
24:31Sounds like it's getting ready to blow.
24:34Come on.
24:47Can you read me, sir? Switching you over now.
24:52Back to hard light. Over.
24:55See anything?
24:57Eyes adjusting. Walking a lot. Weight.
25:00Stasis booths. Banks of them.
25:03Anything?
25:05There's a light on in one of the booths.
25:07Whatever it is, it's alive.
25:09According to the readouts, female, age 31.
25:12Kachansky's female? Kachansky's 31?
25:16Is it Kachansky?
25:18Whatever it is, they're brunette, 5'5".
25:21Kachansky's brunette? Kachansky's 5'5"?
25:24Is it Kachansky?
25:26Starting pod deactivation sequence.
25:28Getting ID info. Give me two minutes going offline.
25:32Ah, it won't be here. It'll be somewhere else. It won't be here.
25:35I know it's not here.
25:37Don't even think for one second that I think that it's here,
25:40because I know it isn't. I know it...
25:42See, it is. Do you think it might be?
25:44Do you think it's got something to do with this coincidence thing?
25:47No!
25:49The door's opening!
25:51Here we go. It's not Kachansky.
25:53It won't be Kachansky. It won't be Kachansky.
25:58Gentlemen, meet Professor Edgington,
26:01head of the Error Institute and inventor of a groinal exploder.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:18Well, it's definitely not Kachansky.
26:20She went for me groin.
26:29Most fascinating, she was working on a research programme
26:33into evolution,
26:35attempting to evolve into the next species
26:38up the evolutionary ladder.
26:40Naturally, the professor, as a gifted aeropert,
26:43got the experiment totally wrong.
26:46Basically, she took an evolutionary wrong turn
26:49and wound up a monkey.
26:51She should have stopped and asked directions.
26:55As much as I'm enjoying this chit-chat,
26:57help me get this ball booster off.
27:00I believe it is, sir.
27:02This is the very machine
27:04Professor Edgington carried out an operation with.
27:07Now, if we can evolve her back to her human form,
27:10she may be able to help us.
27:12I've studied the manual. It seems quite straightforward.
27:15I'm amazed she got it so wrong.
27:18Come on, let's go. Switch it on.
27:21Turning on now, sir.
27:23Pressing undo now.
27:25Evolution mode engaged.
27:33Oh, smeg. She's human.
27:36Oh, smeg. She's naked.
27:39She's also naked.
27:41Did anyone mention that yet?
27:43Is she naked?
27:45Oh, yes. I didn't notice.
27:47I'll go and get her a sheet immediately.
27:49No rush, Crichton. Remember protocol 175.
27:53No running in the corridors.
27:55Take your time. Walk carefully.
27:58Forget about the lift, Crichton.
28:00Take the stairs, one at a time.
28:03He's just going to be a few minutes.
28:06What are you doing, Lester?
28:09Allow me to introduce you to the crew, Professor Edgington.
28:13Oh, please, call me Irene or Professor E.
28:17This is Mr Rimmer.
28:20Mr Rimmer. I sense a special bond between us.
28:24I've always been attracted to the brave silent types.
28:30That's me, all right.
28:32I probably won't speak again for hours,
28:35as I'll be off silently doing something very brave.
28:43What a gorgeous bunk room. It's utterly enchanting.
28:47Enchanting?
28:49Who plays the trumpet?
28:52The trumpet? It's a guitar case.
28:54Bernard, you play?
28:56Yeah, I play.
28:57I bet you're absolutely brilliant.
29:00I thought you were supposed to be wrong about everything, Craig.
29:04Well, moving on to the matter in hand.
29:07Yeah, yeah, can you, um, help me get out of this?
29:14Oh, there it is. It's a diagram.
29:17Five symbols. We have to turn them off in the correct order.
29:21What happens if we choose the wrong ones?
29:23Absolutely nothing. So I'd perfectly say,
29:26Oh, God.
29:28Right, if you're going to explode, it's not going to be in here.
29:31Oh, protocol 1-2-1. No exploding in the drive room, right?
29:35Sir, perhaps best if you stand in the corridor.
29:39Don't mess this up. I'm relying on you, Craig.
29:42Don't listen to a word she says.
29:47Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, theta.
29:50OK, Mum, one, two, three, four, five.
29:54Beta. OK, Mum, what's the first one we turn off?
29:58Beta.
30:00Beta it is.
30:02No. Alpha. No beta.
30:06Beta or alpha. Or delta.
30:08No, it's definitely delta.
30:10Delta or gamma.
30:14The only one Professor E hasn't mentioned is theta.
30:17The first one. Here I come, sir. Theta.
30:25Next one. Gamma.
30:28Definitely gamma, trust me.
30:30Any other possibilities? No.
30:33No gamma. It's definitely gamma. Just gamma.
30:36I'm certain it's gamma or maybe beta or alpha.
30:40Next one, sir. Here we go. Delta.
30:46Next. Alpha, beta or gamma.
30:49Beta.
30:51Or gamma.
30:53Alpha.
30:57Two more, sir. Then we're there.
31:00Two more? My boots are full of my own leg dribble.
31:05Professor? Call me Irene. Everyone does.
31:09Next one. Gamma or beta, Mum.
31:12Beta. It's definitely beta.
31:15I'm not going to change my mind this time. Beta.
31:18Beta. Beta.
31:20OK, gamma it is. Go for it.
31:22Wait a minute. How about this for weird?
31:25Her name's Irene and her nickname is Professor E.
31:29Put those names together and you get Irene E.
31:33Irony.
31:35Wouldn't it be ironic if a professor known for being wrong
31:39finally got something right?
31:42What do we do?
31:44Go for it. Go for beta. Go for what she said.
31:52BEEPING
32:17Oh, Arnold. You're everything I want in a man.
32:21Smart, kind, clever, selfless.
32:25Don't forget amazing.
32:28Can I ask you a question?
32:31Do you think it would be wrong for us to make love
32:34on our very first evening together?
32:38Hmm. Let me think.
32:42Well, Irene, on reflection, and I've given this much thought,
32:47I don't think it would.
32:49I think it would be absolutely fine-tickety-boon-peachy.
32:55Hiya. Come on.
33:02Don't touch the buttons! Don't touch the buttons!
33:05Don't touch the buttons!
33:19Have you got a pen?
33:49BEEPING