The Thin Blue Line (1995) S01E05 "Night Shift" | British sitcom [576p]
"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:30No. No. No. No, Susan, I fear that is not convenient.
00:37I know he's my son too, even if he does appear to be the love child of a sloth and a warthog.
00:43Look, look, he is not coming to stay with me and that is absolutely final.
00:51Well, just for a fortnight, then.
00:54The problem can be summed up in one word. Organised crime.
01:02Munters, Stolen and Gaspeth are being driven across the channel.
01:07Blimey, you need a decent underseal.
01:11Local delinquents nick the cars and flog them on to Mr Big.
01:15Remember Mr Big, he's out there, somewhere, a fat cat spinning his web with his tentacles in every pie.
01:26Shouldn't be too difficult a spot, then.
01:29So, gentlemen, night's duty. A time when the lamp of justice must shine like a beacon.
01:36I trust that you are adequately prepared for the tasks ahead.
01:39I'm at the very peak of my form, sir.
01:42Well, I hope so, for who knows what danger lurks in the fearsome watches of the night.
01:48It is our mission to seek it out.
01:50To boldly go where no man has gone before.
01:54To go boldly, laddie, don't split your infinitives.
01:58Captain Kirk, darling.
01:59Captain Kirk regularly accepts figures painted blue with plastic forehead extensions...
02:06...as beings from another planet.
02:08I think we may readily dismiss him as an authority on anything.
02:15Oh, hi, Maggie. You look great.
02:19I'm really looking forward to spending the night with you.
02:22No, no, I mean we'll be on the job together all night.
02:26I know why you like night shifts, Kevin.
02:28Oh, why?
02:29It's probably the only time you get to stay out late.
02:31Next!
02:37Alright, goodie. What's all this?
02:39Another promising contender for the regional heats of young delinquent of the year?
02:44What have you been up to, sonny?
02:45I've been up to nothing.
02:47In which case, you must have been up to something.
02:50I'm sorry, sir.
02:51I'm sorry, sir.
02:52I'm sorry, sir.
02:53I'm sorry, sir.
02:54I'm sorry, sir.
02:55I'm sorry, sir.
02:56I'm sorry, sir.
02:57I'm sorry, sir.
02:58I'm sorry, sir.
02:59I'm sorry, sir.
03:01I find the English language serves you far better, laddie, if you use it properly.
03:06So, what's he been up to?
03:07Taking without consent, gov. Hit a lamppost.
03:09Don't call me gov, laddie.
03:12It's a short step from saying gov to using cockney rhyming slang and I won't have it.
03:16Sorry, chief.
03:20If you're even thinking about being sick on my desk, first think about removing this truncheon from your ear hole.
03:26Thanks.
03:29Has the doctor been called?
03:31On his way, gov. Chief.
03:32Oh, sorry.
03:34I've called Inspector Grim, sir.
03:36He asked to be informed if we've picked up any joyriders.
03:38Joyrider is not a term I will allow in my station, constable.
03:41This young lout was involved in potentially murderous delinquency.
03:44Well, I'm sorry, inspector. I was only saying...
03:46I know what you were only saying, constable.
03:48But it's not good enough.
03:49Crime is crime and should not be trivialised.
03:52What next?
03:53Are we to refer to grievous bodily harm as fun punching?
03:59Assault with a deadly weapon as a laugh and a stab?
04:03Occupation?
04:04Ducking, diving, dodging, weaving.
04:07So I'll just put total pratt, shall I?
04:10All right, Nigel Mansell, let me out your pockets.
04:12You ain't got no right to search me.
04:14Now, there you are wrong.
04:16I have every right to search you.
04:17Indeed, if I suspect you of possessing drugs, I'm entitled to conduct an internal body search.
04:24Involving a rubber glove and a large spoon.
04:28Would you like me to suspect you of possessing drugs?
04:33Sir, one ballpoint pen, blue.
04:35One contraceptive device.
04:38And a seed flavoured.
04:40Two tickets to a rave.
04:41Hardly a professional's car-pinching kit.
04:44I fear inspector Grim will find slim pickings here.
04:46I can't take any more!
04:49I'll do for someone, I swear.
04:51You're all dead!
04:53Yes, sir, can I help?
04:55Smack!
04:57Gotta have smack!
04:59Certainly.
05:00Goodie, the gentleman wants a smack.
05:03Two, four, six, eight.
05:04Bug in, don't wait!
05:08Handcuffs, please.
05:13Constable Goodie, are you chewing?
05:18I'm going to ask you that question again, Goodie.
05:20But before I do so, I want you to consider the consequences of deliberately lying to a superior officer whilst on duty.
05:26Those consequences include dismissal, loss of pension, ostracism within the community,
05:31and in all probability, a lifelong dependency on prescription antidepressants.
05:35Now, let's try again.
05:37Are you chewing, laddie?
05:38Yes, I am.
05:39Helps me think.
05:40I can't say I'd noticed.
05:43He's caught, sir.
05:45All right, Abbey, well done.
05:47Take the man down.
05:48Cold showers, exercise, and regular roughage help a man think, Goodie.
05:53Not Wrigley's Juicy Fruit.
05:56Not how my officer's going about the place like louts.
05:59What do you think we have plainclothes men for?
06:02Now, swallow it.
06:05Oh, what a night.
06:07Let me tell you, I shall be glad when we're tucked up in bed together.
06:11Really, Raymond?
06:12Oh, yes, certainly.
06:13I shall be out like a light.
06:15I expect you will, too.
06:18But sometimes, before we go to sleep,
06:21wouldn't it be nice to share a moment of excitement together?
06:26By all means, darling.
06:28I'll tell you what I could do.
06:30I could read you another chapter of King Solomon's Mind.
06:38Customer Goodie, have you run mad?
06:41Customer Goodie, have you run mad?
06:44What's the matter, boy?
06:46I think he's choking, Inspector.
06:47It's that bubblegum you made him swallow.
06:49Bend over, Kevin.
06:50Egg below your chest.
06:51Well done, Habib.
06:54Wait, Kevin.
06:55What's the man swallowed?
06:56A bubblegum-flavoured elephant?
06:58Get him up.
06:59Give him to me.
07:01Now, fist clenched, thumb inward,
07:03between navel and breastbone,
07:04other hand on fist,
07:05pull up sharply to force the upper abdomen against the lower lungs.
07:08Ah!
07:09Driving out the remaining air.
07:13Go on, sir.
07:14Force it out.
07:15I'm trying to.
07:24What's this, sir, Fowler?
07:26Some bizarre uniform branch initiation?
07:30Oh, thank you, sir.
07:33Sorry to spoil your fun, Raymond.
07:36Carry on, Constable.
07:39Police work.
07:40Remember it?
07:42Where's this car thief?
07:43Not necessarily a thief, Derek.
07:45In this country, a person is innocent
07:47until a judge or jury find him otherwise.
07:49And God don't we hate all that funnying about!
07:53Why don't they change it round?
07:55Presume everybody in the country is guilty of something,
07:58which most of them are,
08:00and lock them up.
08:02What, the entire population?
08:04Certainly the entire population.
08:06Then anyone who can, to the satisfaction of a senior judge,
08:10prove themselves to be wholly and fundamentally innocent
08:13would be released.
08:14There'd be a bit less funnying about then, wouldn't there?
08:17Well, Commissioner, here we have proof of reincarnation.
08:20Stalin has come back as an English defender.
08:23I do not advocate a police state, Fowler.
08:26No, you just want to see everyone live in abject fear of authority.
08:30Well, it would be not!
08:31It would be not!
08:34Now, where's this young lout?
08:36He's with the doctor. His head is cut.
08:38Diddums. Get him out here. I haven't got all night.
08:41I've got a wife and kids to get home to.
08:43Until the doctor is satisfied and nobody is seeing him.
08:46Obstructing CID in the course of an investigation, Fowler?
08:50It's a very serious offence that.
08:52I've half a mind to charge you.
08:54You have half a mind, full stop.
08:58Endangering the life of a suspect by denying him proper medical care
09:01is also a serious offence.
09:03Right. Well, you can mollycoddle the scum in the streets if you want.
09:07I need my kip.
09:09I've got a lot of important meetings tomorrow.
09:12Good night.
09:13Important meetings.
09:15Ha! Where's he think he's going?
09:17Scotland Yard. I doubt it.
09:20I shall certainly be glad to get out of here tonight.
09:23Oh, God, a bit of peace. No noise, no distractions.
09:26No revolting kids.
09:28Hmm. Yes, absolutely.
09:30Lovely.
09:32No revolting kids at all.
09:34Except Bill.
09:37What?
09:38Oh, didn't I tell you?
09:40My son Bill's coming to stay for a few weeks.
09:43His mother's sick of him.
09:47That's nice, isn't it?
09:56I bought a new nightie today, Raymond.
09:58Mm-hm.
10:02I couldn't resist it.
10:04It's so silky.
10:06It's called Satin Passion.
10:09Really?
10:11I know it's extravagant,
10:13but it was in the sale.
10:15£60.
10:17What?
10:19Take it off! Take it off right now!
10:21Do you really want me to?
10:23I most certainly do. That's going straight back to the shop.
10:26£60?
10:28There's hardly anything to it.
10:30Really, Patricia, if you're going to spend that kind of money on a garment,
10:33you might at least purchase something vaguely functional.
10:36Wandering round in that, you'll catch your death.
10:40I suggest you change it for something knee-length.
10:43In flannelette.
10:47Thought you might like it.
10:49Thought it might turn you on.
10:53Patricia, I think you've known me long enough to realise
10:56that a reckless disregard for the value of money is scarcely likely to excite me.
11:00I'm all for the occasional rash and exuberant gesture of frivolity,
11:04but £60 for a wisp of chiffon and a shoelace is palpably absurd.
11:10Now, if you'll excuse me, I will return to my book.
11:13Raymond!
11:15I feel like a dried-up old prune.
11:18Now, there's a thought, Patricia.
11:20It's nutritious and very good for the bowel.
11:23I wonder if you're going downstairs.
11:26Raymond! You're not listening to me!
11:30We are not the first and we won't be the last couple to have problems with our sex life.
11:34We do not have problems.
11:36We do not have a sex life.
11:38In which case, I really don't see how there can be a problem with it.
11:41Really, Patricia, you're not making sense.
11:43You can't just ignore it, Raymond.
11:46I want us to see a sex therapist.
11:48Oh, please. Not that again.
11:50We need help.
11:51We do not.
11:53I'm quite capable of satisfying the woman I love
11:57without instructions from a total stranger sitting on a beanbag.
12:03Then let's do it.
12:05I want seeing to. I want servicing.
12:10I want to be ravished right now.
12:12With a light sun and your socks off.
12:15If you love me, show me you love me.
12:18You used to. What's changed?
12:20Nothing's changed.
12:22Look, I...
12:27Look, I can't, Patricia.
12:29Not now, not with my boy in the house.
12:32I mean, if he were to hear us, you know, it just feels strange.
12:36That's a pathetic excuse.
12:38It's not.
12:41We can only hope to curb the excesses of youth
12:43if we lead by example and show some self-restraint ourselves.
12:47There's nothing wrong with Nucky!
12:52He's still very young and impressionable.
12:54Not much older than that lad we've got at the station.
12:57He could end up going the same way.
12:59I wonder what Bill gets up to at night.
13:02Considerably more than we do, I should imagine.
13:05I'll see you in the morning.
13:10Thank you.
13:29Do you want an egg on that?
13:31Yes, thank you, Patricia. That'd be very nice.
13:41Yes, well, I like a runny yolk.
13:46Ah, good morning, Bill.
13:48Patricia and I were just saying how nice it is to have you home.
13:51Oh.
13:55You're having a friend to stay, are you?
13:57Yeah. Is there a problem?
13:59No, no, no, that's lovely.
14:01You made up the bed in the spare room, did you?
14:05You find the sheets all right? Top shelf, the airing cupboard?
14:08Yeah, sure, Dad. Spare bed, right, yeah.
14:13Hmm, well.
14:15Well, come on, Bill, you're not being much of a host, dear me,
14:18leaving your friend standing around like that.
14:20Get her some toast.
14:21We can all sit down and have a nice family breakfast.
14:24No, thanks.
14:29Well, I'm glad we abstained from sex on his behalf.
14:32Oh, come on now, Patricia, don't jump to conclusions.
14:35She's just a pal.
14:38Anything more intimate than that.
14:40They've probably just gone upstairs to revise for exams.
14:47Practical biology, do you think?
14:54Morning, everyone. Carry on.
14:56We've still got that young lad in for twocking.
14:58Twock, twocking? Council will have him?
15:00Twocking? What do you mean?
15:02I mean take him without consent, Inspector, as in cars.
15:06Then say so, Constable.
15:08A criminal charge leaves no room for ambiguity.
15:11Start dropping bits willy-nilly and where will it end?
15:14We might arrest a fella for burglary,
15:16drop a couple of letters to save time
15:18and end up charging him for buggery.
15:22Sir, another petition from Lavender Close about the loud sex noises.
15:26Ah, the noisy nympho at number nine.
15:28Great balls of steaming ouja.
15:31Is that woman still at it?
15:33Is that woman still at it? I suppose we'd better bring her in.
15:36No good asking her to come quietly, I suppose.
15:42There is a place for smutty innuendo, Constable Gray.
15:45And that place is on birds of a feather.
15:49That's nice. I suppose we'd better bring the foul woman in.
15:52She'd be abusive, sir. She always is.
15:54Then arrest her. Put the handcuffs on her. That might make her think.
15:57I'll tell you what, Frank. Stick them on her ankles.
16:00That'll solve the old thing.
16:03What are we going to do about this young lad in the cell, sir?
16:06He's been charged and we can't hold him forever.
16:08Detective Constable Gray,
16:10does Inspector Grimm still want to interview this car thief we're holding?
16:13He's at Scotland Yard, sir.
16:15This is a nationwide operation.
16:17Everything's bigger in CID, innit?
16:21Scotland Yard, eh?
16:24I've only ever been to Scotland Yard once.
16:27One of the best school trips we ever went on.
16:31Nationwide operation, eh? Blimey.
16:36Perhaps I'd better go and have a chat with the lad.
16:44All right, Goody. You've spoken to the boy, studied him,
16:47no doubt constructed a detailed psychological profile.
16:50Have you drawn any conclusions?
16:52Yes, I have, sir.
16:54Good. And what are they?
16:56He's a right little scumbag.
16:59The fact, Goody, that you possess a GCSE in English language
17:02casts a dark shadow of doubt
17:04across the entire British educational system.
17:07And who is he?
17:09Well, he won't give us his name.
17:11He says he never sees his family, says his father left home,
17:14lives where he likes, does what he chooses.
17:16It's sad, isn't it?
17:18When fathers desert their responsibilities and break families up.
17:22Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.
17:25Young blokes get married without thinking,
17:27get some poor bird up the daff and that off.
17:32It's really terrible.
17:35How is your ex-wife, sir?
17:40And your son?
17:42Well enough, thank you, Goody,
17:44considering the overwhelming social burdens that I place upon them.
17:49All right, laddie, don't play games with us
17:51or we can make life pretty difficult for you if you do.
17:54Now give me your name.
17:56Ivor.
17:58You see, Goody, a firm authoritative approach normally bears results.
18:02All right, Ivor, what's your surname?
18:05Biggan.
18:09Constable, kindly note, Ivor Biggan.
18:20Oh, I see.
18:23A comedian.
18:25Yes, sir, he's already named his two Scottish associates,
18:28Ben Doon and Phil McAvity.
18:33It's come to a funny state of affairs
18:35when a woman can't have a bit of room for her
18:37in the privacy of her own bedroom.
18:42It's having it in your back garden that people are objecting to.
18:45We've done it in the shed.
18:47The shed collapsed.
18:50In fact, sheds collapsed like dominoes all along Divinity Road.
18:53Mr Jones, from number 36, phoned us.
18:56He claimed his compost heap was bouncing round the lawn.
19:00Look, Sergeant, you're a woman.
19:03You know about a woman's needs.
19:05When a woman needs love, she's got to have it.
19:08Otherwise she's just a dried-up old prune.
19:13It doesn't strike me that banging away in the potting shed,
19:16screaming,
19:18do it to me, big boy, at the top of your voice, has much to do with love.
19:21Well, I love it.
19:23I love sucking the middle bits out of walnut whips,
19:25but that doesn't mean I have the right to make everybody else listen to me.
19:28Do it! Take it away and charge her.
19:33Cup of tea, Pat?
19:35You all right? You look a bit down.
19:37Don't be silly, Maggie.
19:39I'm just a dowdy old drab with a sex appeal of a toilet brush.
19:42Why on earth would I feel down?
19:44Greetings. I'm back from Scotland Yard.
19:47Were there any messages for me while I was at Scotland Yard?
19:50No, Inspector Grimm.
19:52Good. Good, good.
19:56So, no messages from Scotland Yard, then?
19:59It's just, I've been at Scotland Yard, I thought there might be a message.
20:03Good.
20:07Ah, Inspector Grimm.
20:09Yes, I've been to Scotland Yard.
20:12Scotland Yard? It's not such a big deal.
20:14I wish people wouldn't keep going on about it.
20:16No.
20:18This business of yobbos nicking cars for major villains.
20:22Big worry for the boys at Scotters.
20:27That's why they sent for Grimm of Gatsforth.
20:30Yes.
20:32Well, we're still holding one of the hooligans. Perhaps you'd like to...
20:34All in good time, after I've had my lunch, fowler.
20:37Right. Did you book somewhere nice?
20:40Ah, it's a pizza hut. Not too neat a size, are we?
20:43Thank you, Constable Hadley.
20:46No chocky hobnobs?
20:48Afraid not, sir. Only rich cheap.
20:50Well, perhaps that's as it should be.
20:53Perhaps a man who has failed in his duty to society
20:56doesn't deserve his choice of bicky.
20:59No, is that so?
21:01That lad we're holding in the interview room.
21:03Arrogant, rude, opinionated, unpleasant.
21:07He could be my own son.
21:09You think so, sir?
21:10Yes, I do. Tomorrow, perhaps, it will be my boy.
21:13The lad we've collared comes from a broken home, just like my lad.
21:17Broken home? That's a terrible thing to say, sir.
21:19Once a couple's split up,
21:21it doesn't mean their kids are going to turn out to be louts.
21:24True, true.
21:26I suppose the first six children in line to the throne
21:29come from broken homes.
21:31That's why, sir.
21:32Can't see much chance of us pulling William and Harry for twop...
21:35taken without consent.
21:38Thank you, Constable Habie.
21:40You have a wise head on those young shoulders.
21:43I'd like to say something else, if that's all right, Inspector.
21:46Very well, Constable. What is it?
21:48Well, it's none of my business,
21:50but I think you might worry a bit less about your old relationships
21:53and a bit more about your current one.
21:55Hmm. Sergeant Dawkins, you mean?
21:57I know it's not my place to interfere, sir,
22:00but, well, she does seem very loyal.
22:02Hmm. Hmm.
22:04Yes, well, perhaps you're right.
22:06Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention, Constable.
22:09I will act on information received.
22:16Sorry about trying to kill you last night, Inspector.
22:19I didn't mean no harm by it.
22:21No, well, contrition is the first step to rehabilitation.
22:24What you have to do now is smarten yourself up.
22:27Think positively. Exercise, fresh air, plenty of roughage.
22:31And stop taking heroin.
22:36Yes, well, I think that has to be very much a factor in the new you.
22:40Good luck in court.
22:46Patricia? Yes?
22:48I would rather drink from the bladder of a baboon
22:51than say what I'm about to say.
22:54However, I've decided that it is unfair of me
22:57to ignore your frustrations any longer.
22:59I have been selfish.
23:01People have to work at relationships.
23:03It's like anything in life.
23:05You get out what you put in. Exactly so.
23:07And you haven't put anything in for a long time. Yes.
23:10I'm aware of that.
23:12And I've therefore decided that possibly, one day,
23:15as a very last resort,
23:17once we've tried acupuncture,
23:20oyster diets and watching late-night Channel 4,
23:23that I might possibly consent
23:26to us visiting some form of sex therapist.
23:31Thank you, Raymond.
23:33I'll phone and see if she can see us this lunchtime.
23:38Please, please, please believe me.
23:41Talking about sex is not embarrassing.
23:44Nipple, flap, bottom, hide the sausage.
23:49I am not remotely embarrassed.
23:52So very much on your own there, then.
23:56Last night, I did it bent backwards over the sitting room puff.
24:00She's doing something like that.
24:02It's as normal and ordinary as saying good morning.
24:05I don't want to hear about you bending over backwards.
24:07That's because you're repressed.
24:09No, I just want to keep my dinner down.
24:12Be hostile, Raymond. We agreed to give it a try.
24:15The first principle of sex therapy is sex deprivation.
24:20You must agree not to have sex,
24:22to deny each other all physical contact.
24:25Do you think you can do that for me?
24:27Patricia, this woman's costing us £40.
24:31Right. Now, tomorrow, I want you to come in wearing only your underwear.
24:35You will sit facing each other, but won't touch each other.
24:39This way, the spark of desire will be rekindled
24:42through deprivation and denial.
24:44After which, of course, the licking can start.
24:47Please, please, don't worry.
24:51In order that no-one should feel embarrassed,
24:53I, too, will be wearing only underwear.
24:57Of course, by the end of the week, we shall all be completely naked.
25:01Come on, let's not wait. Let's do it now.
25:16Sir, Detective Inspector Grimm said he wanted to see you when you got back.
25:19Thank you, Constable Nipple.
25:22So, this young twocker comes from a broken home, eh?
25:26You're a divorcee, aren't you, Inspector Fowler?
25:30Left your wife alone with a kid?
25:33Did you not?
25:35I'm sorry for you, of course.
25:37As a dedicated family man, I know what you've missed.
25:41Right, then. Let's have a look at this car thief.
25:45More or less, he's got a car.
25:48Right, then. Let's have a look at this car thief.
25:51More a delinquent than a thief, I think.
25:53I doubt this lad has the brains to fence a stolen car.
25:56Allow me to be the judge of that, Fowler.
25:58As a highly trained detective and confidant of Scotland Yard,
26:02I shall know instantly whether this lad is a malevolent criminal genius
26:09or the cretinous child of a brainless swine.
26:14Darren!
26:16Hello, Dad.
26:20I'm not a vindictive man, Patricia,
26:23which is probably why I've remained in uniform.
26:26We charged the lad with taking without consent, of course,
26:29but I've agreed to keep the matter as quiet as possible.
26:32I don't know why. Inspector Grimm's such a pig.
26:35Why should you do him any favours?
26:37Well, virtue is its own reward.
26:39In this case, Grimm gave me two tickets
26:42to tonight's all-night rave, which his son will not now be attending.
26:46I thought perhaps you and Rona might like them, Bill.
26:49No, thanks, Dad.
26:51Oh. So you're staying in tonight, then?
26:54Are you sure you can't be persuaded to wildly prance off with your pal?
26:58No, we're going down to the library.
27:00You don't get to university going to raves, do you?
27:04And it's to prance wildly, Dad. Don't split your infinitives.
27:09Come on, Rona.
27:13Perhaps I misjudged the boy.
27:15However, the point is that we are alone.
27:18Yes, Raymond.
27:20And what I should like to propose
27:22is that we clear away the things, do the washing up,
27:25and then perhaps a bit of rumpy.
27:30I'll just have another cup of... I beg your pardon?
27:33I should like to make love tonight, Patricia.
27:36Perhaps tomorrow morning.
27:39I might even be persuaded to have a bash at a different position.
27:43This is so sudden. So...
27:47So the sex therapist worked?
27:49Worked. She's a genius.
27:51Because I will do anything, absolutely anything,
27:54as long as I don't have to visit that foul woman ever again.
28:08© BF-WATCH TV 2021