"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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00:30Now, you promise you won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime?
00:39No, I won't, Patricia.
00:41Of course, it would be more convenient to go now, and for that very reason, the bank
00:44is closed.
00:45It being a principle of British banking that the customer must be avoided at all costs.
00:49Woo-hoo!
00:50Woo-hoo!
00:51Ha-ha-ha!
00:52Great thundering trumpets!
00:53Has the world run mad?
00:54Ragweed, Raymond.
00:55Just students having a laugh.
00:57Well, when I was at college, I suffered from the curious delusion that I was there to study.
01:03Oh, well, I suppose we were all young once.
01:06Not you, Raymond.
01:07You were born middle-aged.
01:08Well, it's kind of you to say so, Patricia.
01:11I've always attempted to maintain a mature outlook, but I cannot deny that there have
01:17been lapses.
01:18I once possessed a whoopee cushion.
01:22I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was there.
01:31Well, I really don't think you're being fair, Patricia.
01:34We have lots of fun together.
01:36What about last night?
01:38Flagellation on top of fornication.
01:40You don't often get that.
01:42It was boring.
01:43Well, it was the best Scrabble score I've ever heard.
01:47Just don't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime.
01:51Morning, Pat.
01:52You all right?
01:53Oh, it's Raymond.
01:54He's getting worse.
01:55Do you know, last week I found him in bed with a model.
01:58No.
01:59We've still got bits of balsa wood stuck to the duvet.
02:03Juvenile! Juvenile! Juvenile!
02:07More juvenile, sir.
02:08Just once in a while, I'd like to nick someone whose balls are dropped.
02:15And where are the real crimes, eh?
02:18The terrorism, the bank jobs.
02:20I had such exciting dreams, Craig.
02:24Yeah, I'll get them and all, sir.
02:26Rubber waders and a boat hook.
02:28It's enough wake-up sweating.
02:31Yes, rag week, ladies and gentlemen, is upon us again.
02:34Come on, come on, sit down.
02:37And the question that every policeman,
02:40or indeed police person,
02:44must ask himself,
02:46or indeed...
02:49er...
02:50er...
02:52itself,
02:54is,
02:55how are we to deal with the inevitable juvenile excesses to come?
02:59Constable Goody.
03:01Um...
03:05Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?
03:08I mean, not all excesses are the same.
03:10Are we talking plain excesses or excessive excesses?
03:15Well, I think, by definition, excesses are excessive.
03:18Or they wouldn't be excesses, would they?
03:21Is this one of those brain teasers, sir,
03:23where Cleopatra turns out to be a goldfish?
03:26Concentrate, laddie, concentrate,
03:28because, believe it not, you did make a valid point.
03:32One must, of course, judge each case on its merits.
03:35I do not wish to have my officers accused of being excessive
03:38in their treatment of excesses,
03:40especially if those excesses are not particular.
03:43Excesses are not particularly excessive.
03:46So, on the whole, what I think we are discussing here
03:49are excessive excesses.
03:51Is that clear?
03:53No.
03:55But keep going, sir, I expect we'll catch up.
03:58Decent crime, that's all I'm asking for.
04:01We used to get them every day.
04:04This neighbourhood's really gone downhill.
04:07It's just painful, sir.
04:08Looks very tasty, very naughty.
04:11This is it.
04:13Crockett, I need profiles on all known terrorists in the south-east.
04:17Cray, phone the Home Office.
04:19Phone the Armed Response Unit.
04:21Get me a tea, milk, four sugars.
04:23In what order, sir?
04:24Blimey, Cray, where were you dragged up?
04:26Milk in first, tea next, sugar.
04:30So, what excesses may we expect to encounter
04:34and how are we best to deal with them?
04:36What about a student rugby club sing-along and trouser-dropping?
04:40How do we deal with that?
04:42Good question.
04:43Well, if at all possible, exercise tolerance,
04:46the police officer's secret weapon.
04:48We'll never forget that if you arrest a college rugby team
04:52for using obscene language,
04:53at some point you'll find yourself in court
04:55having to recite the lyrics of the good ship Venus.
04:59Oh, surely not, sir.
05:01No, yes, defence briefs are ruthless.
05:04They will say to you,
05:05exactly what did my client suggest that the figurehead was sucking?
05:12And if you do not answer in a loud, clear voice,
05:14they will claim that you are unsure of your facts.
05:16Answer what, sir?
05:21An external organ of the male anatomy.
05:24Doesn't rhyme with Venus.
05:28May I have a word, Reitman?
05:29A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.
05:31I want to bring you up to speed
05:32because you and your officers may possibly be able to assist
05:35in a minor capacity at some hypothetical later stage,
05:39although I doubt it, and only if I let you,
05:41which I probably won't.
05:43Well, anything we can do to help, Derek.
05:45Perhaps we could all club together and buy you a street jacket.
05:49Now, this has just arrived. I think it's genuine.
05:55We, the St Neddots, demand freedom and political autonomy
05:59for our sovereign state of Igelloch.
06:02My guess is some form of Gallic or Celtic separatism.
06:06And my guess is some form of brain-from-body separatism.
06:10This is clearly the work of a wild lunatic.
06:12Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?
06:15As for the Scots,
06:16if your national dish is a sheep's stomach,
06:18you're going to be bitter, aren't you?
06:20Of course, it could be the Cornish. They're bloody strange.
06:23And the Geordies!
06:25So, at present, you suspect anyone
06:27who doesn't live within ten miles of the Thames estuary.
06:31Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,
06:33but Igelloch sounds a bit Anglo-Saxon.
06:36Maybe it's something to do with the Arthurian legends.
06:38Well done, constable. You've got a good little brain there.
06:42Bit of training, we might make you a detective.
06:44Oh, I don't think so, sir.
06:46I haven't got the skills, you see.
06:48For one thing, I can't talk out of my...
06:50Yes, thank you, Harry.
06:52Surely, Inspector Grim,
06:53you're not suggesting that we take this note seriously?
06:55I take all threats of terrorist activity seriously
06:58until proved otherwise.
07:00Have a look at the rest of the facts.
07:02Are you warned that we intend to target
07:04the fascist borough of Gasforth
07:06with a series of terror attacks using deadly dratsuck?
07:10I've got a very, very bad feeling in my stomach about this.
07:14How about you, constable Cray?
07:16Yeah, I don't feel so good myself, sir.
07:18I did have a kebab for breakfast.
07:21Look, this may be a hoax, it may not be.
07:24All I know is, if it is genuine,
07:26my arse will be on the line and I don't want a cock-up.
07:33Well, I imagine that you don't.
07:36So, this deadly dratsuck, what do you think it might be?
07:40My informed guess is some kind of Centex-style explosive.
07:44Yes, well, it could be.
07:45It is also, of course, custard, spelt backwards.
07:49Custard.
07:50And if we apply the same backwards principle
07:53to our other mystery words,
07:55we discover that the St Neddots,
07:57who want autonomy for a gellock,
08:00turn out to be students who want autonomy for their colleagues.
08:04I fear, Derek, that you've been the victim of a rag-weak prank.
08:09Er...
08:12Well, you worked it out quicker than I thought, Ryman.
08:15Well, not as quickly as I did, but well done all the same.
08:21Sir, I've got the Home Office on the phone.
08:25And the Armed Response Unit want to know what you want.
08:28Tell them I'm going to shoot some bleeding students!
08:31So, as I was saying, tolerance.
08:33The police officer's secret weapon.
08:36What a dippert's loof that man is.
08:41You won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime, will you?
08:44Sir, I'll have to do my admin over a takeaway, as it is.
08:47More haste, less speed, Sergeant.
08:49Rushed meals lead only to upset stomachs
08:52and onion rings on the duty log.
08:54Well, I shouldn't eat so much rubbish anyway.
08:56I think it's making me flabby.
08:58No, what absolute nonsense, Patricia.
09:00Do you think so? Of course.
09:02It's got nothing to do with diet.
09:04You're bound to start to sag a bit as you get older.
09:15All right, we check the handwriting of every student in this college.
09:19Assuming that is that they know how to write.
09:21You hear that, Craig?
09:23Hello, darling. What's she studying, then, eh?
09:40Raymond!
09:41Yes?
09:42It's nearly half past. What about the bank?
09:44Great heavens to Betsy, Patricia. There's plenty of time.
09:48Can't a fellow be allowed a few moments of peace
09:51to read a chapter of Sherlock Holmes and enjoy his chocolate frog?
09:55Look, I'm not even having a lunch break. There's too much paperwork.
09:58Now, if you don't go to the bank and renew the standing orders,
10:01they'll repossess the telly.
10:02Well, that'll be no bad thing.
10:04It's all rubbish anyway, nothing but mindless escapism.
10:07Oh, and Sherlock Holmes' mindless escapism, I suppose.
10:10Sherlock Holmes is literature.
10:13If it is also escapism, then it is good, solid escapism
10:17with no game shows or swearing.
10:20Rag week is a trying time, Patricia,
10:22and I think I might be forgiven for wanting to dream again
10:26my boyhood dreams of foiling the machinations of the Red-Headed League.
10:31Well, we none of us get what we want, do we?
10:34I know I don't.
10:36No, I suppose not.
10:38It must be a dull business for you, Sergeant,
10:40being attached to a creaky old plodder like me.
10:44It weighs on me, you know, it does.
10:47Sometimes I imagine myself doing something splendidly heroic
10:51to make you proud of me.
10:53Proud and happy.
10:55You could make me proud and happy, Raymond,
10:57by going to the bank when I asked you
10:59and occasionally giving me a damn good rogering.
11:02Rogering!
11:09Oh, dear.
11:11Ah.
11:15Constable Gladstone,
11:17Sergeant Dawkins and I were just discussing that fellow ring.
11:23Roger Ring.
11:27And we were just saying...
11:29Um...
11:31Well, how damn good he is, basically.
11:34Damn good rogering.
11:38Isn't that right, Sergeant?
11:40Yes, that's right, dear.
11:42But we see so little of him these days, don't we?
11:46Or indeed his Swedish cousin, Bonk.
11:53Um...
11:56What do you want, Gladstone?
11:58What do I want?
12:00I don't know.
12:02I heard nothing, sir.
12:04It's none of my business.
12:09Well, I think we got away with that one.
12:12Just don't forget to go to the bank.
12:16BELL RINGS
12:23Best morning you've ever had at the arcade, Maureen.
12:27Five pence.
12:29Ten pence.
12:33Hello, Inspector Fowler.
12:40Visiting the bank?
12:42Thank you for pointing that out, Constable Goody.
12:45I was about to ask for two tickets to see Lawrence of Arabia.
12:49Do you think we're in the right queue, sir?
12:51Some of the other queues are moving much faster and it's nearly time to be back at work.
12:57I think I'll swap.
12:59Do you think I should swap, sir? I think I should swap.
13:01Some of the other queues are moving much quicker.
13:03Do you think I should swap queues, sir?
13:05Yes, Constable Goody, I think you should swap queues.
13:07I think you should swap banks.
13:09I don't want to have you in a different country altogether.
13:13God, I've got an idea, sir.
13:16What if I swap queues but you stay here?
13:19Then we can keep an eye on each other.
13:21And if you get to the window first, I'll rush over and you can let me in.
13:24And if I get to the window first, you can come back and I'll let you in.
13:27No, no, what we do is we put a bag here to save our place
13:31and then we go and join the other queues.
13:33Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I've got an idea.
13:35We put the coat and the bag at the end of each queue
13:37and then we just ask other people to shuffle them down so we don't lose our place.
13:40Constable Goody!
13:44Five pence.
13:46Ten pence.
13:48Fifteen pence.
13:50Excuse me. Police. Won't be a minute.
13:52It's hard enough.
13:54Yeah, I've filled it all in. I'd like it in twenties, please, darling.
13:57Just one moment, Detective Constable Crow.
14:01Did you just push in?
14:03Oh, yeah. I always do that.
14:05Well, if you can't jump the odd queue, what's the point of being a copper?
14:09The point, Constable Cray,
14:12to quote the first paragraph of the Police Statement of Common Purpose and Value,
14:16is to uphold the law firmly and fairly,
14:18to prevent crime,
14:20to pursue and bring to justice those who break the law,
14:22to keep the Queen's peace,
14:24to protect, help and reassure people,
14:26and to be seen to do all this with integrity, common sense and sound judgment.
14:30I seek in vain to find couched within that glorious sentiment
14:34the intention of pushing in.
14:37Judgement, sir. Perks of a job, innit?
14:39Finished, sir.
14:41Yes, sir. Think you've lost your place?
14:49Ah, two seconds to spare.
14:51Good afternoon, Sergeant Dawkins.
14:53Forgive me for not greeting you more affectionately,
14:55but as you can see from the clock, I'm back on duty.
14:57Did you go to the bank?
14:59Of course I went to the bank.
15:01Oh, thank goodness. That's out of the way.
15:03But although I went to the bank,
15:05I didn't actually manage to transact any business while I was there.
15:09Are you telling me you didn't organise the standing orders?
15:12I fear not.
15:14You see, I neglected to allow for the fact
15:16that because the banks now spend so much money
15:18advertising their tawdry services on the television,
15:21they can no longer afford to actually employ any staff.
15:24I'm going to write to somebody, I really am.
15:26Their adverts suggest this utopian space-age world
15:30where money is handed out willy-nilly
15:33by gorgeous pouting nymphettes with degrees in computing.
15:37Well, we do not require nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.
15:41All we ask is that they put some extra staff on at lunchtime
15:44and pens on the ends of the little chains.
15:47I don't believe you, Raymond.
15:49You can't do the simplest thing.
15:51Now I shall have to go after all and make up the time.
15:54You're a bloody idiot.
15:56You know that, don't you? A bloody idiot!
15:59Please, Sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
16:01I'm not an idiot, I'm your commanding officer.
16:04I'm only an idiot between 1 o'clock and 2 o'clock,
16:07after 6.30 and at weekends.
16:09Well, I'm not on duty, so you are an idiot,
16:12a pompous twit and a pain in the backside.
16:15Randy, you're in charge of the desk.
16:17Hi, Inspector Fowler, I'm collecting T and Vicki money.
16:20You owe four pounds.
16:22I'm afraid I shall have to pay you tomorrow, Constable Gladstone.
16:25I was held up at the bank.
16:27Well, I must say, you're taking it very calmly.
16:30Finally! OK.
16:32Excuse me, please. Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.
16:35Constable Habib, I want this lot processed and charged.
16:39What for? Looking stupid?
16:41Bloody stupids. We pay for this, you know.
16:44We pay taxes so that these imbeciles can send hoax threats to the police.
16:49They think it's a joke. Well, it isn't a joke.
16:51I know what a joke is, and this isn't it.
16:54A joke is something like a man walks into a bar.
16:58He says, ouch, cos it's a public bar.
17:00I mean, it's an iron bar.
17:02Now, that's a joke.
17:05Yes, well, they say it's the way you tell them.
17:08Now, you get on, Inspector Grimm.
17:10We'll book this lot of desperados
17:12and ensure that they're properly dealt with, never fear.
17:15Yeah, well, I'm glad you recognise the seriousness of the situation.
17:19If I'm not at the nick, you can get me on my mobile.
17:22Give me your banana.
17:29Look at you.
17:31I can scarcely believe my eyes.
17:34The future of Britain.
17:36The cream of a proud nation.
17:38Oh, God.
17:42Do you honestly think
17:44that any halfway decent Japanese company
17:47is going to want to give any of you lot a job?
17:50Mitsubishi is asking himself,
17:52where shall I construct our new generation of small family hatchbacks?
17:56Do you think he's going to say, oh, I know, we'll go to Britain,
18:00where the academic elite are a bunch of idiots in tutus and gorilla masks?
18:04Or will he go to continental Europe,
18:07where young people wear Benetton tops and respect authority?
18:11Did you ever think of that?
18:13No, well, it's time you bucked up your ideas, then.
18:16Before long, Britain's name will be Mud.
18:19Or worse, it'll be Italy.
18:24You're not worth charging. Just shove off!
18:27I weep for our country, I really do.
18:30Did you know that 12-year-olds in Holland and Belgium
18:33can already speak fluent English?
18:35They're no cleverer than British children, sir.
18:38My niece is only ten, and she can speak fluent English.
18:43Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?
18:52Rest assured, Inspector Grim, I have dealt with those reprobates.
18:56For all the good it'll do, you might as well have just told them to shove off.
19:01I'm tired of police work, aren't you, Raymond?
19:05Nothing but idiots, delinquents, yobbos,
19:09nothing but idiots, delinquents, yobbos and hooligans.
19:13Oh, I think you're being a bit harsh there, Derek.
19:16Some of your officers aren't so bad.
19:19You know damn well what I mean!
19:22It's all gone...
19:24Posh, snob, brainy, bloody, oity-toity, up your bum
19:28and pardon me for living!
19:33I beg your pardon?
19:35There was a time when if a bloke wanted to rob a bank,
19:38he'd go out and he'd bought a shotgun.
19:40Nowadays, he buys a suit from Marks & Spencers
19:43and gets a degree in accountancy.
19:45They think we're stupid, you know that, don't you, Raymond?
19:48Well, I'm not stupid. I've got five O-levels!
19:52Two of them bloody good grades!
19:55Er, excuse me.
19:57Yes, Fowler?
19:59Raymond, I'm in the bank. There's a hold-up.
20:02What, still? I don't believe it!
20:05They'll have to get some more staff. I'm going to write to their head office.
20:08Shut up, you fool, and listen. It really is a hold-up, with guns.
20:11I'm lying face down on the floor with the other customers.
20:14Stay where you are.
20:16Don't move.
20:18That's what they said. Sign me a warrant. I've got to go.
20:23A real, live, armed bank robbery.
20:28God, I'm so happy I could cry.
20:32White Aspect secure. One-two, out.
20:45Well, thanks to Sergeant Dawkins' prompt action, we've got them good and cornered.
20:49I hope they haven't shot her.
20:53Have you established communications?
20:55Of course I have. You worry about your own job.
20:58Are the operational perimeters secure?
21:00My officers are in complete control.
21:02All right, everyone, step back a bit, please. Come on, step back.
21:05There you go, son. I can't afford much, but if it's for charity...
21:09What?
21:10You're students, aren't you? This is a reg week stunt.
21:13I knew straight off that he wasn't a copper.
21:16He's too young and weedy. I thought he was a student, he is.
21:20Well, I ain't giving him nothing. I've given enough already.
21:24I've paid for your education, you layabout.
21:27And for your heroin and your free bloody condoms.
21:32Look, I am not a student. I am a real police officer.
21:37And there is a bank robbery in progress, so will you kindly stand back, please?
21:41He's very good, isn't he? I mean, he's really quite convincing.
21:45Perhaps he's a drama student.
21:47I don't care what he is. He should get a bloody job.
21:51Leave him alone. He hasn't done any harm.
21:54Yeah. You haven't got any pot, have you, love?
21:58Rheumatism's killing me and paracetamol just brings me dinner up.
22:03Yes, yes. We'll see what we can do.
22:07Fowler, job for you.
22:12What can I do? How can I help?
22:14If I want a pizza, deto your people to get them a pizza.
22:18Of course. And perhaps a small selection of cupcakes.
22:21Standard procedure, Fowler.
22:23We acquiesce to the government's demands, that way we win their trust.
22:27Brilliant, Grim. We win their trust by buying them a pizza.
22:31Why, it seems so simple. I wonder if the same tactics could work in Bosnia.
22:35Just do your job, Fowler. And if the shooting starts, keep your head down.
22:44Look, there mustn't be any shooting, for heaven's sake.
22:47There are innocent people in there. Patricia's in there.
22:50We must talk to them. I have talked to them, they won't budge.
22:53I've used all my negotiating skills.
22:56Look, Grim, you have all the negotiating skills of an embittered rottweiler.
23:01Your telephone manner is about as appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.
23:05Let me talk to her.
23:08No can do!
23:11This is CID business. And that is my phone.
23:16The woman I love is in that bank.
23:19Let me talk to them.
23:21Just order the pizza.
23:24Sir, if I give him the money, do you think he'll get me one?
23:28Goody, the criminals desire a pizza. Kindly order one.
23:31Yes, sir.
23:32Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?
23:34I don't know. Spicy gerbil flavour. Just get the pizza.
23:37Do you mean the works?
23:38What?
23:39The works, sir. It means all the toppings.
23:41Yes, yes, who cares? Just order everything.
23:43No, no, I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
23:45I mean, everything includes anchovies. Lots of people hate anchovies.
23:49Anchovies could send these villains over the edge.
23:51Yes, and pineapples, sir.
23:52I only know one person out of all my friends who has pineapple.
23:54Tangy, tropical he has, and the rest of us go...
23:58Personally, I find the idea of any seafood on a pizza quite repulsive.
24:03Yeah, I always put the olives out.
24:05Well, give them to me, cos I...
24:06Look, Goody, just get a plain cheese and tomato pizza and get it now.
24:10Oh, do you think they'll want garlic bread?
24:12Just a second.
24:15On second thoughts, I'll do it myself.
24:19Yes, it's coming.
24:21Where the hell is Fowler with that pizza?
24:23I want to make a complaint about police harassment.
24:27Fowler?
24:29Where's Fowler?
24:32Where's Fowler?
24:55Pizza delivery!
24:57If it isn't hot, there's a 50p refund on your next purchase of diet or regular Pepsi.
25:03Order only applies between 6.30 and 7, Mondays and Tuesdays.
25:06Subject to availability, usual restrictions apply.
25:21Well, I might have known.
25:25Now, this time, you really have gone too far.
25:28All right, lob us the pizza.
25:30Ding it, lie on the floor with them other lot.
25:33Lob us the pizza? Them other lot?
25:36Great jangling jelly babies.
25:39If you spend more time in lectures instead of playing ridiculous pranks like this,
25:43you might sound slightly less moronic.
25:45This rag nonsense has gone quite far enough.
25:47You are all in very serious trouble.
25:49Now hand over those ridiculous toys.
25:51I'll kill you, you bastard!
25:53Don't you dare take that tone with me, laddie.
25:56There's nothing clever about foul language.
25:59I am a police officer.
26:03And you are all under arrest.
26:06Get away, or you're dead.
26:08I'm going to count to ten.
26:10One, two...
26:13Darn it! I don't want anything to do with murdering coppers.
26:16If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat
26:20you'll be blowing bullets out of your backside.
26:23Blimey! They're all coppers.
26:28Thank you.
26:30I've never heard of such naughtiness. I love it.
26:40All right, Grim, the siege is over.
26:48Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.
26:52I was so proud of you.
26:54I was very proud of you too, Patricia.
26:56You were most intimidating.
26:58I certainly wouldn't want to meet you on a dark night.
27:00Except to sleep with me.
27:05What quite?
27:08I'm the manager of this bank, and I have to say,
27:10you acted with tremendous courage.
27:13Thank God it's all over.
27:15Go, go, go!
27:22Well, you broke every rule in the book, fowler.
27:26I can't deny you ended the siege without bloodshed.
27:30It's pretty cool to talk round armed robbers like that.
27:35Oh, really, Grim, but hasn't the penny dropped?
27:38Armed robbers? I hardly think so.
27:41Why, under these silly masks, you'll find no craggy-faced criminals,
27:45but beardless, spotty-faced students on a rag stunt.
27:52Well, there are plenty of mature students at college, for instance.
28:03So, three desperate villains, just as I thought.
28:07Both of you risked your lives for us.
28:10Now, is there anything, anything the bank can do for you?
28:13No, no, the only reward a police officer needs
28:15is to know that he's done his duty,
28:17served his community and ensured that, as ever,
28:20the thin blue line remains unbroken.
28:23Of course, you could renew our standing orders.
28:25Oh, yes, actually.
28:27Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir, the bank closed three minutes ago.