"The Thin Blue Line," released in 1995, is a British sitcom created and written by Ben Elton. The show is set in the fictional English town of Gasforth and follows the comedic antics of the local police force. Starring Rowan Atkinson as Inspector Raymond Fowler, the series portrays the humorous day-to-day activities and relationships of the officers, including the strict Sergeant Patricia Dawkins (played by Serena Evans) and the dim-witted Constable Kevin Goody (played by James Dreyfus). Known for its witty dialogue and satirical take on police procedures, "The Thin Blue Line" combines slapstick humor with sharp social commentary, making it a beloved classic in British television comedy.
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TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, everybody.
00:04These days, it seems, people will do almost anything to get on television.
00:10Stand behind news reporters mouthing,
00:13Hello, Mum.
00:16Deliberately buy yoghurts that are past their sell-by date
00:19so they can complain to Anne Robinson.
00:22Or video their pets being knocked unconscious by garden swings
00:27in the hope that the producer of You've Been Framed
00:30will believe it to be spontaneous.
00:33Fame is the spur.
00:36But fame, as we shall see,
00:39is like an oven-ready frozen meal for one.
00:43Not as nice as it looks.
00:48Excuse me.
00:56I've been looking through the number of firearm certificates
00:59you've issued in the last couple of years, Fowler.
01:02Ah, yes. I think you'll find it comes to a goodly round number.
01:05Yes, it does. None.
01:07That's right. No more, no less.
01:1092 sponsored applications, none accepted.
01:14That is correct. Including the bloke I sponsored.
01:17Or, more accurately, particularly the bloke you've sponsored.
01:21He is the chief todger of my lodge.
01:25If I can't swing him a permit, I'm going to look a right dicky doodah, aren't I?
01:29I do not approve firearms applications
01:32in order to prevent you from looking a dicky doodah, Grim.
01:35Besides which, I could issue the fellow with a cruise missile permit
01:39and you would still look like a dicky doodah.
01:43It is not within my power to prevent you from looking like a dicky doodah.
01:47Only God or a large bag could do that.
01:52It is your job to vet the applications.
01:56You're supposed to ask questions to find out who's a suitable person to own a gun.
02:00That's right. And surely the first question must be,
02:03does that person wish to own a gun? Well, of course.
02:06And if the answer to that is yes,
02:08then clearly that person is not a suitable person to have one.
02:11Is the nanny steak gone mad?
02:13What? Because I don't happen to think that a man who lives in a suburban semi
02:17needs an automatic weapon.
02:19He's a sportsman.
02:21Then tell him to buy a pair of plimsolls.
02:25Sport? Sport?
02:27When did you last see a wild boar in Gaspeth?
02:31Or an elk?
02:33And if you did, dispatching it with a spear or an arrow would be sport.
02:38But deploying an elk-seeking missile is just cheating.
02:42This is a civil liberties issue.
02:45You are denying my todger his rights.
02:50And what about the rights of those who do not wish to live next to an armed man?
02:54Particularly one who attends weekly secret meetings
02:58in which he puts on a dress and kisses a dead turkey's bottom.
03:02We only kiss the turkey's bottom on special occasions.
03:08Normally we might do with a chicken nugget.
03:11I am talking about the rights of the individual here.
03:14Which I consider secondary to those of the community as a whole.
03:18This town is a human nest.
03:20If you were an ant, would you consider it a matter of high, monopterous civil liberties
03:25that a socially dysfunctional worker ant be allowed to keep a pet anteater?
03:30If it was securely muzzled and tethered, yes, I would.
03:34Then clearly you are quite mad, Grim.
03:37Good day.
03:49Did you see Crime Watch UK on the telly last night?
03:53God, it was good.
03:56Sometimes when I'm watching, I think, ooh...
04:00That looks so exciting. I wish I was a copper.
04:04Then I remember I am one, which is so silly, isn't it?
04:07Get on with your work, boy.
04:15I love Jill Dando.
04:18She can take down my particulars any time she likes.
04:22So serious, so firm.
04:25Lovely jackets.
04:28I don't know what she does to the crooks, but she certainly scares me.
04:32Yes, I'm afraid the fact of the matter is crime is just so much better on the television.
04:37Well, I don't approve of this current broadcasting trend
04:40that turns police work and video surveillance into entertainment.
04:44Actors train for years to get the chance to appear on the television.
04:48But why do they bother? Just steal one and you'll be on the following night.
04:53I remember when there were other things on the television.
04:57Grumpy Scottish doctors.
05:00Dictionary games.
05:03There's marvellous royal variety extravaganzas with puppeteers from Prague
05:07who you weren't supposed to be able to see because they wore black jumpers.
05:11Timeless stuff. Clean, wholesome.
05:14Boring.
05:16Well, yes, perhaps slightly boring.
05:19I confess I normally made a cup of tea when those Greek men who jump onto each other's shoulders
05:23and end up standing on top of one another in a great big pile were on.
05:27That's made Cliff Richard's bit even better.
05:31It's no good harking back to the past like a sad old gitzer.
05:35TV's changed. People like police shows.
05:38But they're so predictable. There's always the two officers.
05:42They don't get on, then they do get on.
05:45One of them's fat and gruff, the other one's thin and posh.
05:48One's a sad old drunk, the other one's a health fanatic.
05:51One of them's a woman, the other one's a Martian.
05:54One's got four heads, the other one's allergic to heads.
05:57If there were as many police officers on the beat as there are on television,
06:01the country wouldn't be in the state it's in.
06:04These TV twits should come along to a real station and see what it's actually like.
06:08SCREAMING
06:11You doofus! Sergeant, what is the matter?
06:14We're going to be on the telly! Calm yourself, Sergeant.
06:17What is this nonsense? This fax came for you.
06:21Then I presume that you do not know its contents.
06:24Of course I do. I always read your mail.
06:27At home you do, Sergeant.
06:29But at work you wouldn't dream of reading the private communications of your commanding officer.
06:34All right, have it your own way.
06:37What's in your fax, Raymond? I wonder if it's something exciting.
06:43Good Lord, we're going to be on the television.
06:46The Chief Constable has been approached by the BBC
06:49to do a fly-on-the-wall documentary about a police station.
06:52He wants to know if we'd agree for it to be ours.
06:55Now, this needs some very careful consideration.
06:58For the time being, I think it'd be best if we didn't tell CID,
07:01because you know what'll happen...
07:03DEREK GRIMM OF GUESTBAND CID, COME ON DOWN!
07:09Just as I've heard.
07:11Have you heard, fella? We are going to be stars!
07:14Limos, posh birds, no more queuing at Sainsbury's!
07:19I reckon we should cut a single. Starsky and Hutch did it, didn't they?
07:23Come, old silver lady, take me home!
07:27And Kojak, he had a bash.
07:29If a picture paints a thousand words,
07:33then why can't I find it?
07:36Look, look, be quiet, everyone, be quiet.
07:39Starsky and Hutch and Kojak were fictitious policemen.
07:42The BBC want to make a documentary, not Gasforth PD Blue.
07:48The whole purpose is to show policing in the raw.
07:51Do you mean nude policing?
07:55Now, we have to give this very careful consideration.
07:59This type of documentary can ruin people's lives.
08:02There are countless examples of people opening themselves up to the camera,
08:06only to discover that the subsequent exposure
08:09leaves them lost, empty and bewildered.
08:12Now, think about it, seriously.
08:14Do we really want to bring that kind of confusion and heartache on ourselves?
08:24I want it, you know, business-like, because I'm a police officer.
08:28It's got to be totally sensible, severe almost, you know, practical,
08:32and absolutely no nonsense.
08:35But, also, I'd like it just a little bit really sexy.
08:40You know what I mean? Just a hint of ravishing.
08:43A nod towards drop-dead bonkable.
08:46So you've got that. Sensible, no nonsense, absolutely gorgeous.
08:50That'll do for me too.
08:52Yes, and me.
08:54LAUGHTER
09:02Oil, do you reckon my face is a bit saggy?
09:08I mean, go on, tell me the truth, absolutely honestly, as a mate.
09:12What do you think?
09:14Well, you know...
09:17No, not really.
09:19Oh, come on, don't pull your punches.
09:21Give it me absolutely straight.
09:23Is it a bit saggy?
09:26Maybe just a touch.
09:28Well, thank you very much.
09:31Blooming charming, that really helps my confidence, that does.
09:37I'm fat.
09:39I'm grotesque.
09:41I look like I'm resting my jaw on a stack of crumpets.
09:47I am a vast, unsightly, wobbling mound of lard.
09:54I can't do it well, I simply can't face the cameras.
09:57Sir, you look lovely, superb shape, the girls will go potty.
10:00Do you really think so, honestly?
10:02No question. Birds love a slapphead.
10:09A slapphead?
10:11Well, like you were saying, sir, Kojak.
10:13You'll be queuing up to lick your lollipop.
10:17I'll tell you what, if you're worried about your chin,
10:20there's a couple of tricks of the trade I learnt off a bird of mine who was in telly.
10:23I never knew you had a girlfriend in TV, boy.
10:26Oh, yes, sir, she was a stroker.
10:28A stoker?
10:29No, sir, a stroker, on sale of the century.
10:32She used to have to stand there in a bikini and stroke the prizes.
10:37Lovely she was.
10:39I used to watch her every Saturday, stroking stuff.
10:42Pizza cookware, crystal decanters, lawnmowers.
10:48That girl could stroke anything you put in front of her.
10:54Oh, yes, sir, I was telling you, a little trick of the trade.
10:57Light, that is the secret to looking good on the box.
10:59Got to get light under your chin.
11:01Otherwise, you see, you get a shadow in the crease
11:03where your great big wobbly flap of fat is.
11:05How am I going to get light under me chin, boy?
11:07I'll stand on me head, the lights are on the ceiling.
11:10For instance, sir, you've got a mirror there, right?
11:12There's light coming through the window, right?
11:14When the camera's near, slip the mirror onto your desk,
11:17chin over it, bosh, underlit, beautiful.
11:19There you go, you've lost a couple of pounds already.
11:27Ah, that's the way, Gladstone.
11:29We'll show those communists from the BBC
11:32that despite the pernicious influence of their puerile police dramas,
11:36the British Bobby still believes in the very highest of standards.
11:39You know, sir, I was nearly in show business once before.
11:42Oh, yes, my mother was very pushy.
11:46Well, I suppose all mums think their kids are beautiful,
11:50but the interesting thing is, sir, I actually was.
11:55A gorgeous little fella.
11:57Big eyes, big smile, chubby little cheeks.
12:02Yes, I think I get the idea.
12:04Purest of pure soprano voices.
12:08I could curdle milk while it was still in the cow, sir.
12:12Anyway, one day Radio Trinidad advertised for a boy soprano.
12:17It was my big chance, sir.
12:19The whole street turned out to see me get on the bus.
12:23Young Frank Gladstone going to be a star, they said.
12:27And I would have been, but for two things.
12:30And what were they?
12:32My testicles, sir.
12:35They dropped on the way to the auditions.
12:39I still believe that if that road had been tar-marked,
12:42I would have got away with it.
12:45I was going to sing, oh, for the wings of a dove,
12:47I had to give them Old Man River instead.
12:55The BBC not here yet?
12:57Good. There was a terrible queue at the chemist's,
12:59but I thought the occasion warranted a new comb.
13:04Patricia, have you got nits?
13:07No, I haven't got nits.
13:09I've had my hair done. I'm trying to look nice for the telly.
13:12Patricia, the whole point of this exercise is to show us as we are.
13:17What sort of example are you setting to the constables?
13:21Oi, gobs of gas-string, gas-happy, what are you thinking of?
13:25What? Your legs, your legs, you naughty girl.
13:28They have no business being here. Get rid of them.
13:32It's an image thing, sir. It's about personal empowerment.
13:35It's about me being the me I want me to be.
13:38Unless I'm very much mistaken, constable,
13:40you're talking complete donkey twaddle.
13:43I am not talking donkey twaddle, sir.
13:45I have an obligation to be a role model,
13:47to show young girls that being a strong and in-control woman
13:51does not mean denying my essential femininity.
13:54Or, to put it another way, you want to look nice on the television.
13:57I think it's my duty, sir, as a feminist.
14:00What has got into you girls today?
14:03Vanity, thy name is woman.
14:05You will spend your next break taking your skirt down.
14:13Ah, constable Goody.
14:15Good morning to you, sir.
14:17At least you've come to work looking respectable.
14:19Why, thank you.
14:28Evening all, detective constable Goody.
14:31TV's sex cop.
14:34Always ready to get on the job.
14:37Sir.
14:42Sir, you think it's all right
14:44if I wore my father's Trinidad police dress uniform?
14:47Well, it is part of the Commonwealth, after all.
14:50Now, listen to me, all of you.
14:52This is a serious documentary about serious police work.
14:55I will not tolerate these vain, unworthy attempts to attract the camera.
14:59We will present ourselves as God made us
15:02and as the Queen expects.
15:04What's grey away, Raymond?
15:12Grey away? I have no idea.
15:15Looking a bit grey.
15:17Feeling a bit old.
15:21New grey away will make you look ten years younger.
15:25Good Lord, I must have picked up someone else's bag at Boots.
15:28Good Lordy, Lord.
15:30Good Lordy, Lordy doo-dah ding-dong day.
15:33Tch!
15:35I'll take it back at lunchtime.
15:48The message is happening.
15:50The message is happening.
15:57Well, it was just a thought.
16:17The BBC!
16:19They're here! They're here!
16:21Another opening, another show.
16:25Five minutes, please.
16:27I'm going out to Constable, but I'm coming back a star.
16:30I can't go on.
16:33Do it for the troops, kid.
16:35Do you really think I can dance, Mr Weinfeld?
16:38Follow the Olympic road. Follow the Olympic road.
16:41Be quiet, you idiotic youth.
16:43I shall send you home and you won't be on television at all.
16:46Now go and tell them I'll be straight out.
16:49Knock them dead, kid.
17:08Hi, good afternoon.
17:11I'm sorry?
17:13Good afternoon.
17:15Bob Tuff, Director.
17:18Inspector Fowler, Inspector.
17:22Right, we don't exist.
17:24We are not here.
17:26You are unaware of us.
17:28We go where we please, we shoot what we please.
17:31If you feel you wish to explain what you're doing, by all means do so.
17:34Understood?
17:36Totally.
17:38Good. Roll camera.
17:40Old Man River.
17:42Quiet, Justin, quiet.
17:49So, now let's just forget these television people and set about our business.
17:53Gladstone, put those juggling balls away.
17:56Now, the knife and weapons amnesty which we've been running
17:59has been at least a partial success.
18:02A hacksaw blade.
18:06A corkscrew.
18:08And a vicious pair of toenail clippers have already been handed in.
18:12And I've brought this in, Inspector.
18:14It's a Swiss Army penknife.
18:16Ah, well done, goody.
18:18Confiscated from some juvenile Ned well, no doubt.
18:21Oh, no, sir, that's mine.
18:23That was a birthday present.
18:25And I've also brought these in for you as well.
18:28It's six butter knives.
18:33Now, my mum says that you can have the spoons and the forks as well, if you like,
18:37because the plastic handles crack in the dishwasher.
18:41Goody, when I asked you to be on the lookout for knives,
18:44I didn't mean any old knives.
18:46I meant those belonging to the criminal classes.
18:49Oh.
18:51Oh, I see. I thought this was some sort of Blue Peter appeal.
18:55Knife amnesties are a waste of time, sir.
18:57They're just publicity stunts.
18:59I will not have you belittling our achievement, Habib.
19:02This corkscrew could cause a very nasty wound.
19:05So could a gas cooker, sir, if you dropped it on someone's head.
19:08Perhaps you should have a kitchen appliances amnesty, sir.
19:12Now, listen here, you naughty...
19:14Goody, have you got gum in your mouth?
19:16No, sir. Just pretending to chew.
19:19I want to look tough for the cameras.
19:22Now, you be careful with these media people, goody.
19:25They're all smiles until they pounce.
19:28I shall never forget going along to the Antiques Roadshow.
19:32When I slapped my family jewels on the table, the man just laughed.
19:38I've been up all night polishing them as well.
19:42Deceitful and underhand, the lot of them.
19:44Well, I know their game.
19:46Those Trotsky-eyed BBC swine will have to get up pretty early
19:50to catch me with my trousers down.
19:52Have you got a twitch, goody?
19:54No, sir. I just think you should be careful.
19:56Oh, don't you worry, boy.
19:58I've got the measure of those pernicious snakes.
20:00Sir, they're probably very nice people, sir.
20:03No, don't you be fooled, Gladstone.
20:05Debauched dimwits, the lot of them.
20:07They could be anywhere, sir.
20:09They're very sneaky.
20:11Ha! After years of gorging themselves on vast lunches
20:14at the licensed payer's expense,
20:16you can smell their beer-soaked, tobacco-rattled,
20:20meat-and-pudding flatulence at a hundred yards.
20:23Ha!
20:29At least that's what I'd heard.
20:48Very quiet diners.
20:51Very quiet indeed.
20:55And normally our time would be a blur.
20:59A blur of drugs, violence,
21:04pornography, illicit sex.
21:07Of course, sometimes we have to do a bit of work as well.
21:09Shut up!
21:14We've received a phone call from a concerned neighbour.
21:16An elderly gentleman lives here.
21:18The curtains haven't been opened for a few days
21:20and he may be in need of assistance.
21:24Tango, Oscar, Bravo.
21:26Um...
21:27Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti, do.
21:30Poaching house. Old dick inside.
21:32Could be dirt. Will investigate. Over.
21:34Will you please shut up, Constable Goody?
21:38Great guys, such joshers.
21:40Now, the old gentleman may be timid and fearful of strangers.
21:43I myself am highly trained,
21:44but if you could perhaps step to one side of the door.
21:48No, I think actually the other side's my best side. Thanks.
21:52Right, standing to one side now.
21:54Purpose to avoid scaring silly old sod to death.
21:56If not, pop clogs already.
21:58Tango.
21:59Gemma.
22:00Angels, one, five, bandits at six o'clock.
22:02Dive, dive!
22:04Shut up, Goody!
22:05Kevin, shut up!
22:06Right, shutting up now.
22:07Now, you get to the side with the camera crew, Kevin.
22:09I don't want you messing up your shot.
22:11I mean, we don't want the old bloke getting nervous with too many coppers.
22:14Yes, you're right. I suppose I am a pretty intimidating sight.
22:18Hello, sir.
22:19We've had a phone call.
22:20I wanted a nurse.
22:22Well, sir, I've been highly trained.
22:24Perhaps I can help.
22:25Oh, yeah, all right. You'll do.
22:27Looks like you've got lovely biggans under that.
22:31There's no call for that.
22:32Mr. Ogleton!
22:34Mr. Ogleton, I'm from Love Passion Message.
22:37Yeah, well, I'm afraid you're too late, love.
22:39I've decided to have the policewoman.
22:42I think there's been a misunderstanding.
22:44I'd love to have you both,
22:45but I can't afford to on me pension.
22:49Can we have it off now, please?
22:50Oh, I'll just get me keys out.
22:55Surprisingly quiet day, this.
23:07SCREAMS
23:10Cream required.
23:16Diamond theft.
23:19Drug deal.
23:20Motorbike robbery.
23:22Grim required.
23:25Grim required.
23:27Must have...
23:29Must have Inspector Grim.
23:33Do you hear that, boy? Let's go, go, go!
23:35Go where, sir?
23:38Grim responding.
23:39Wilco.
23:40Bravo.
23:43Erm...
23:44Vimto.
23:45Vimto.
23:50Well, we're only a small town station, but...
23:54But in the modern age, we face all the problems of a big city, really.
23:59Oh, yes, policing a town like Gatsforth is...
24:02is no longer just a question of making sure
24:04that people have lights on their bicycles.
24:07Oh, sir.
24:08Here are three more bicycle bylaw infringements, sir.
24:12Right, Glaston, just put them on the desk.
24:14Yes, sir.
24:16Oh, sir, there is one other matter.
24:18One of our police dogs has got no nose.
24:26Well, that can't be right.
24:28How does he smell?
24:30Terrible.
24:34Glaston!
24:36I've been a very gad boy.
24:38Yes, you have been a very gad boy.
24:43I mean bad boy.
24:50These television people have driven this station mad.
24:53Thank goodness you at least have maintained your sanity, Patricia.
24:56Could you pass the duty log, please?
24:59Right, that's it.
25:00The BBC are leaving immediately.
25:04I heard there was a television crew here today.
25:07I want to get on telly.
25:09Oh, really?
25:10And what is to be your contribution
25:12to this great democracy of television?
25:14Perhaps you've grown a root-shaped turnip.
25:16I've got this.
25:21Where's the telly people?
25:23Oh, there they are.
25:26Where's the telly people?
25:28Drugs. Murder.
25:31Prostitutes.
25:33Totally ordinary dailies.
25:36It is a jungle out there.
25:38Not a real one, obviously, a metaphorical jungle.
25:41But that is just as scary,
25:43particularly if the metaphorical lions and tigers
25:47are actually real armed villains.
25:49Yes, brilliant.
25:50I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if in the real jungle
25:53the lions and tigers weren't saying to each other,
25:56it is Gaspeth on a Friday night out.
26:02Sir, there's a real phone call.
26:05Hello!
26:06Brit!
26:08Yeah, it's for you.
26:10Tough.
26:13Would you please hand over that weapon?
26:15I'm wearing the Queen's trousers and I'm in danger of soiling them.
26:20Oh, you'll get it all right.
26:23Where's this camera, then?
26:30Shotlifting.
26:32Jaywalking.
26:34Inspector Grimm, Raymond's in danger.
26:37There's an armed man at the front desk.
26:40An armed man.
26:43This is it. The sharp end at last.
26:47I'll unlock the gun cupboard.
26:50You lot, cover me with the camera as I run in.
26:53Make sure you get my full expression as I shout,
26:56Police! Freeze!
26:58Gorham, you hold the torch.
27:01Do you think I should take off my shirt?
27:03Have you ever really thought about what television fame means, sir?
27:07Oh, yes, it's fine for a while.
27:10You and your scatter cushions in Hello! magazines.
27:13The chance to talk publicly about your dandruff.
27:17Sounds pretty good, doesn't it?
27:19Oh, yes.
27:21But then suddenly the tide turns against you.
27:24Suddenly Richard and Judy are no longer taking your calls.
27:28You find yourself in carpet warehouses shouting,
27:31Open New Year's Day!
27:33And then just when you thought you could sink no lower,
27:36you appear at the door of Noel's mansion and crinkle your...
27:41Is that what you want?
27:43No, no, no!
27:46Then hand over the gun.
27:55Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!
27:59The crisis is over, Grim. I talked him round.
28:02Sure.
28:04That's a rusty old service revolver. It's completely harmless.
28:08Yes, I dug it up with my root vegetables.
28:11I thought I might hand it in to your weapons, Amnesty.
28:14I thought I might get featured on the news.
28:18A non-functioning firearm, and I took my shirt off for that.
28:22Blimey!
28:24Still, you couldn't have known, fella.
28:27I can't deny you showed a lot of bottle.
28:29You were incredible, Raymond.
28:31And on TV, too.
28:33You'll be a hero.
28:35Oh, no, really, I'd far rather no fuss was made, honestly.
28:38Well, you're in luck. We didn't get any of it.
28:42Inspector Grim insisted on us covering him exclusively.
28:45Oh. Oh, well, never mind. It's probably for the best.
28:51Unless...
28:53Unless you'd like to do it again, sir?
28:57Oh, yes, please.
28:59Yes, he'd like to do it again. Yes, he'd like to do it again.
29:02And then after that, I could show you my disgustingly shaped turnip.
29:11THE END
29:41Thank you for watching.