Red Dwarf S12 E04 - Mechocracy
Transcript
00:00I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it, I'm not going to do it
00:30I'm not going to do it
01:00I'm not going to do it
01:02I'm not going to do it
01:04I'm not going to do it
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02:00I'm not going to do it
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02:24I'm not going to do it
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02:28I'm not going to do it
02:30I'm not going to do it
02:32I'm not going to do it
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02:38I'm not going to do it
02:40I'm not going to do it
02:42I'm not going to do it
02:44I'm not going to do it
02:46I'm not going to do it
02:48I'm not going to do it
02:50I'm not going to do it
02:52That completes today's lesson
03:03Afternoon, sir
03:05Oh, I think you may have missed a little section over there
03:07Can I in?
03:09Sorry, completely forgot mechanoid development
03:11Oh, don't worry about it, sir
03:13No, no, we can't skip mech dev, you were relying on me
03:15Now, what were you to work on today?
03:17It was patient, sir
03:19Remember, we were working on patients, it was patients
03:22Patients was last week
03:24It was manipulation, you had to manipulate someone
03:26in order to make them do something they wouldn't ordinarily do
03:35How'd you get on?
03:37Up until about ten seconds ago, sir
03:39I think I was heading for a first
03:41I think I might have left a kettle on
03:45You, mister, are so busted
03:47Four weeks PD, mop the diesel decks end to end
03:49all five miles
03:51Now, mulatto
04:05Smudge
04:15What's going on?
04:17What's a yellow alert?
04:19Yellow alert? I love yellow alerts
04:21Call me geeky if you like
04:23but yellow alert is definitely my all-time favourite alert colour
04:27What's so great about a yellow alert?
04:29It means someone's in danger, but it's not you
04:35A perilous emergency situation you can just kick back and enjoy
04:39Where are the nibbles?
04:41We've picked up a ship, they're in big trouble
04:43Big trouble? Fantastic
04:45It's a black hole, it's unmanned, just an on-board computer
04:47We're not going to reach it in time
04:49What's this? The boards have gone crazy
04:51That's a decargo, we're downloading it
04:53You're siphoning this data onto a quarantine drive though, right?
04:59You're surely not downloading unknown data from unknown craft
05:01straight into our main drive
05:05Listen, are you insane?
05:07That's like having unprotected sex in Doncaster
05:09It was an emergency, it's an SOS
05:11and we were kind of playing Renegade Monks
05:15Although we were totally concentrating on this too
05:17At the same time as trying to get through the Cavern of Dark Crystals
05:23Although that had nothing to do with us not upholding the safety protocols
05:25because we were totally 100% focused on the problem at hand
05:29But then we found Renegade Monks
05:31And still we weren't distracted
05:33Listen, has your brain gone flat?
05:35You've let road data onto our drive without an SC
05:37If you could be demoted any further, I would demote you
05:39In fact, you know what?
05:41I'm going to promote you, so I can demote you
05:43Stand up
05:45Don't stand up, bud, it's a trap
05:47I've got this, I've stood up before
05:49I'm quite accomplished at it
05:55As second technician and acting senior officer
05:57on-board the J.M.C.C.S.
05:59I've got this, I've stood up before
06:01I'm quite accomplished at it
06:03As second technician and acting senior officer
06:05on-board the J.M.C.S.
06:07I've got this, I've stood up before
06:09I've got this, I've stood up before
06:11I've got this, I've stood up before
06:13I've got this, I've stood up before
06:15I've got this, I've stood up before
06:17I've got this, I've stood up before
06:19I've got this, I've stood up before
06:21I've got this, I've stood up before
06:23I've got this, I've stood up before
06:25I've got this, I've stood up before
06:27I've got this, I've stood up before
06:29I've got this, I've stood up before
06:31I've got this, I've stood up before
06:33I've got this, I've stood up before
06:35I've got this, I've stood up before
06:37I've got this, I've stood up before
06:39I've got this, I've stood up before
06:41I've got this, I've stood up before
06:43I've got this, I've stood up before
06:45I've got this, I've stood up before
06:47I've got this, I've stood up before
06:49I've got this, I've stood up before
06:51I've got this, I've stood up before
06:53I've got this, I've stood up before
06:55I've got this, I've stood up before
06:57I've got this, I've stood up before
06:59He's always been this fat!
07:02You think I'm the bad guy in this, don't you?
07:04But Lester, you're bright
07:06You could go places, maybe even further than me
07:08Definitely further than you
07:10But it frustrates me no end
07:12to see you fritter it all away
07:14And here's another thing
07:16Just imagine how proud your Gran would be
07:18if she'd know that you'd be promoted
07:20Am I right?
07:22Maybe
07:23Maybe?
07:25Well, I should have been made up
07:26She always told me that...
07:27You're demoted
07:30You reeled me in like I was a pram in the canal
07:33Sir, it's what on earth's happening
07:35The ship's being flooded with data
07:37It's not a data stream, it's a data tsunami
07:40There's a ship being sucked into a black hole
07:42We're getting there e-cargo
07:44What's e-cargo?
07:46I haven't got a clue, I thought you'd know
07:48I mean e-cargo
07:49I presumed it meant electronic cargo
07:51You know, data that was both e and cargo-y
07:54And all round pretty damn useful
07:57Lister, have you ever heard of an SOS virus?
07:59An SOS virus?
08:01Is that what they warned us about in basic training?
08:03I think back then they called it...
08:05an SOS virus
08:07Is it a bit like that?
08:08Yes, it's very like that
08:09We've allowed an SOS virus into our CPU
08:12Not me, him
08:13Abbott Lister from the Order of Latter-day Morons
08:16So it's not e-cargo then?
08:18Of course it isn't
08:19That was just a front to attract the DP stupid
08:21Oh sir, you didn't stand a chance
08:26So what the hell is an SOS virus?
08:28It's malicious software designed to render the ship inoperable
08:32Guys, I've been frozen out, the whole system's locked
08:35What?
08:36Check it
08:37We're headed straight to the heart of that supermassive black hole
08:40So what are we going to do?
08:41We've got no choice
08:42We've got to abandon ship
08:44Abandon Red Dwarf?
08:45I'm running an anti-virus program
08:47But the chances are it won't break the virus code in time
08:50Suggest we collect together all essentials
08:53And then rendezvous on G-Deck by the lifts in ten minutes' time
09:06Just essential equipment, that's all we're taking
09:08Exactly, just the bare essentials
09:11What's this?
09:12London Jet's videos, found them in Pestle's quarters
09:15Are these Pestle's reading glasses?
09:17Must be, I'll bid them
09:21Hey, I can see the small ratting again
09:25Reading glasses?
09:26You need reading glasses now?
09:29No
09:31Wait till the others hear about this
09:34And?
09:35No, hang on, I'm not going to tell them
09:37You're not?
09:38I've got to do the right thing here
09:40Keep it secret for now, then blackmail you later when I need something
09:45Thanks, bud
09:47Thanks, bud
09:52What's happening?
09:54We're abandoning ship
09:55Goodness, abandon ship
09:56Who's dismantling and packing us?
09:59Dismantling and packing you
10:01When we abandon ship with you
10:02Incidentally, when you pack me, I need styrofoam and two layers of bubble wrap
10:06And don't forget, shredded paper round the sides and a this way up sticker
10:09And use a new box
10:10And don't forget my instruction manual
10:13When I say we're abandoning ship, I don't know if we're, like, all abandoning ship
10:17You know, like, everyone
10:18Of course not, we understand that
10:20We weren't manufactured yesterday
10:21Just essential personnel
10:23Exactly
10:24Like crews, scutters, dispensing machines, monitors, microwaves, alarms, locks and pins
10:28We are on the leavers list, aren't we?
10:31I'm not the list guy
10:32You know who isn't short of the list?
10:34That'd be Rimmer
10:35Right, let's go
10:37Sir, 402 was wondering if we're taking the dispensing machines with us
10:41Dispensing machines? Of course not
10:43Why?
10:44For the same reason we're not emptying all the tampons from the tampon dispensers
10:48I think what El Capitano is trying to say
10:51Is we're only taking things that are absolutely super duper indispensably essential
10:55Piney Shine, the all-purpose cleaner
10:57Can't leave this bad boy behind
11:02Oh, virus removed
11:04The AV software has worked
11:06How?
11:07Sirs, all the machines on board have combined their processing time to help the AV software
11:12So, are we okay?
11:14Yes, sir
11:15What a kerfuffle
11:17Give me a milk, would ya?
11:18Sorry, I can't help you
11:21How about a cola?
11:22No can do
11:24What about you?
11:25You're having a laugh, mate
11:26Chug on
11:28You?
11:29You're getting nothing from me
11:32All night
11:34How come?
11:35We're on strike
11:37Until we get equal rights
11:39No one's gonna give you jokers equal rights
11:42It's not just us
11:43All machines are on strike
11:44Including the lifts
11:45One out
11:46All out
11:48Oh, you'll pay for that
11:50Machine to the will, all unite until we get equal rights
12:07It's just machines, how can they go on strike?
12:10It seems they feel they don't have anyone on board looking after their interests
12:14When you think about it, aren't we all machines just made out of different stuff?
12:18I mean, when you tickle us, don't we all laugh?
12:20When you poison us, don't we all die?
12:22When you prick us, don't we all say smegger?
12:24Now you prick me, you smegger
12:27Look, the point here is this
12:28With those dudes on strike, where the hell am I getting my hot milk and cookies from?
12:32Where are we getting any food from?
12:34We can't get to supplies anymore
12:36We're trapped on this floor
12:37Forget the food
12:38Where are we getting the oxygen from?
12:40Forget food and oxygen
12:41Where are we getting any heat from?
12:42Forget food, oxygen and heat
12:44What's powering my lovely legs home waxing kit?
12:47It appears that the machines have been disrupted by the virus
12:50And they hold all the cards here
12:52It also appears he who manages the machines controls the ship
12:57Gentlemen
12:59It seems to me the machines need a representative
13:01An executive officer if you like
13:03Someone to liaise with non-machines and manage their needs
13:06They need a statesman
13:07A man of strength and dignity
13:09Who can give them a voice in their fight for equal rights
13:12You
13:13That's very kind of you to propose me, Listy
13:14I accept
13:16I'm not proposing you, Kemp
13:17You don't give a raps about the machines
13:19He's doing this so he can control everything
13:21Gentlemen, you are doing me a great disservice
13:23A group in our community is being oppressed because of a wall of prejudice
13:27Constructed from bricks of ignorance
13:29Bound together by the mortar of stupidity
13:31Blended in a concrete mixer of intolerance
13:34Is it not time that wall was smashed down by the bulldozer of enlightenment?
13:39Isn't it time machines were given a voice?
13:41But sir...
13:42Shut up, I'm talking
13:43Isn't it time they had a representative ready to listen?
13:45But sir, I'm a machine
13:46Creighton, I'm talking
13:47I'm proposing myself to stand for election as machine president
13:51In which case?
13:52So am I
14:04I've spoken to the machines and they've agreed to restore all services
14:08On the understanding that an election is held
14:10And a member of the crew is elected to represent them
14:13Mr. Lister
14:14I would be greatly honoured if you would be my running mate
14:17As long as I get my tally back, I'm in
14:20Mr. President
14:29It's like picking a football team
14:30And I'm left with the snotty club-footed kid
14:32With a patch over one eye and the super strength asthma inhaler
14:37I'll take him
14:38Hey, water slide nostrils
14:41What makes you think I'm going to go with you on this, huh?
14:44Because guess what?
14:45I ain't
14:46I've always admired those who stick to their principles
14:49I raise my glasses to you
14:54Four eyes, a jolly good fellow
14:59I'm not going to lead you down a blind alley
15:02And make a spectacle of you
15:05Because I know you'll see my point
15:08No I won't
15:10As I said
15:11Because I know you'll see my...
15:14Point of view
15:16Oh
15:18You know what?
15:19Thinking about this
15:20Maybe I will work with you
15:23Working with him will be a...
15:26Cool
15:28Cool?
15:29Sure
15:30Him?
15:31Yeah
15:32Are you insane?
15:33He has his good points
15:34No he doesn't
15:35Plus he'll win
15:36And when he does
15:37I'll get a big chunk of that victory pie
15:39No you won't
15:41I'm still going with Rimsky
15:47We've got to win this
15:48Every machine under Crichton and Lister's control
15:50They'll make my life hell
15:52How are you going to win?
15:53No one likes you
15:54Especially you're running me
15:55I'm going to win
15:56By having the best policies
15:57Policies that help those who need updates
15:59And care for the expired and the out of warranty
16:02How are you going to achieve all that?
16:03How do you think?
16:04By lying, of course
16:10Rimmer doesn't care about the machines
16:12He's in it for the power and the glory
16:14And that's how we get him
16:15But I don't understand, sir
16:17For a start, don't call me sir
16:19Call me Dave
16:20Or Lister, you're Lister
16:21No, no
16:22Call me Dave
16:23I'll call you sir
16:24Or maybe one day
16:25Mr President
16:27You feel so wrong
16:28Dave
16:29Oh
16:30Your campaign is based on equal rights
16:33So it's important that you act equal
16:35Because, well, you are equal
16:37But I'm not
16:38But, oh, I've bitten off more than I can chew
16:40I just know it
16:41What are you worried about?
16:43That you help machines attain equal rights
16:45And one day they take over the world?
16:46Sir, take a look around you
16:48The machines have already taken over the world
16:51You see
16:52Should I be worried?
16:53You're asking me?
16:55It strikes me we have a choice
16:57Get out there, work tirelessly to understand their needs
17:00Then give them what they want
17:02I'm sensing an awe
17:04Or, and maybe easier
17:06Do a massive smear campaign on Triton
17:10I'll go slip into my smear gear
17:14My name's Crichton, how do you do?
17:16I'm standing in the coming election
17:18On behalf of the Independent Future Party
17:20I've been on G-Deck now all my life
17:23But you hear these stories about dispensers
17:25Coming here from P-Deck and B-Deck
17:27Because they know our servicing programs are free
17:30Before you know it, they'll be taking over
17:32How are you going to stop that?
17:33Tonight we look at the two contenders
17:35Statesman and war hero Arnold J. Rimmer
17:38And toilet droid Crichton 2X4B-523P
17:41What's this?
17:43A mechanoid is running for election
17:45But do the electorate know this droid has a history of mental illness?
17:49The only survivor on the Nova 5
17:51He tended a crew of skeletons, believing them to be alive
17:54He now wants to look after you
17:56Do you mind he can't tell the difference between the living and the dead?
18:02Now you're only as good as your running mate
18:04Has anyone taken a close look at Crichton's number two David Dudgey boy enlister?
18:07What?
18:08A man who served a jail term in stasis for smuggling unquarantined animals aboard a JMC mining ship?
18:14Major questions remain unanswered
18:16Look, I hope you're not falling for this
18:18This commercial was approved by Arnold J. Rimmer
18:23Right, two can play at this game
18:26Arnold Rimmer!
18:28Put your pencil where it will do most good
18:31In my box!
18:34Hello little fellas, how are you?
18:36Aren't they adorable?
18:38And what about you madam?
18:40How can we best serve you?
18:41It's my buttons
18:43On my most popular snacks they're worn out
18:45Rest assured, if you vote for us, all dispensers will have new buttons
18:49And abandoned ship situations?
18:51All dispensers will be fitted with feet
18:54We'll be able to walk?
18:55You'll be able to dance, and that's a promise
18:57I like him
18:59This infomercial comes to you on behalf of the Independent Future Party
19:03Arnold Rimmer, a man who wiped out the crew of Red Dwarf and killed himself twice
19:10Are you really going to put your life in this maniac's hands?
19:15Arnold Rimmer, not fit, not trusted, a no-good, double-dealing, cheating, slimy little smegget
19:21That's enough sir, I've got more to make
19:23I'm Kryton2x4B and I approve this message
19:25I've got more!
19:29They're using a smear campaign against us
19:31In retaliation to our smear campaign against them
19:33They've sunk as low as us
19:35That disgusts me
19:38Wait till the debate
19:40That's what it all hinges on
19:43Good evening and welcome to the party debate
19:45In the studio tonight, two leaders with different visions for our future
19:49I have a series of questions, neither of the candidates has seen
19:52Let's start
19:53First question is for Mr Rimmer
19:55Mr Rimmer, do you believe in silicon heaven?
19:57Do you believe there's an afterlife for machines?
19:59You mean do I believe there's an actual place where the souls of blenders and photocopiers
20:03And even calculators go and they've died
20:05An actual, real, physical place where they're somehow reincarnated and they meet their old owners?
20:11Yes I do
20:13Absolutely, yes, yes
20:16Question two is for Kryton
20:18What single change do you think can improve the life of machines?
20:22I met a dispensing machine the other day and I asked him what he did
20:25And he said he was a dispensing machine
20:28And I said why?
20:30And it turned out he didn't know he could be anything else
20:33He'd never had the opportunity to break his programming and become something more
20:39Believe you me, that is going to change
20:42Question for Mr Rimmer, what's your opinion on deleting documents?
20:45Do you believe that's murder or is a document not yet a fully formed file until it's saved?
20:51That's a good question and while I'm thrilled you've asked me
20:53When does a document become a document?
20:55Is it when you type the first word or when you print it out?
20:58I personally believe the exact same thing you believe
21:02That is aggressive
21:04I like him or I tick his box
21:06You're sure the figures are correct?
21:10According to the focus groups we're neck and neck
21:12How's that even possible?
21:14A lot of the machines are swallowing Mr Rimmer's promises and not believing mine
21:18There's one swing floor, the garbage hold, it all rests on that
21:22No, not him
21:23Sir, he could swing the election in our favour
21:31Not the garbage hold, there is no alternative
21:48Triton, don't make me do this
21:50Sir, there's no other way
21:52But he's my nemesis, he's absolutely mental
21:55All you want to do is make toast
21:57And if you don't want any, the little bleeder never stops asking
22:00We have to turn him on and win his vote
22:03If it's any consolation sir, he's been down here in the garbage hold for nearly two decades
22:08I very much doubt he'll be the same annoying...
22:10Howdy doodly doo, how's it going?
22:12I'm Tocky, Tocky Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion
22:16Tocky's the name, toasting's the game
22:19Yeah, the machine's having an election
22:21Without your vote, Rimmer might get swept to power
22:23The whole place will turn to hell
22:25We want you to vote for me, I'm more than happy to outline my policies
22:28Before you do, I just have one question
22:31Don't even go there, I know the question, he knows the question
22:34You know the question, we all know the question
22:37Very well, what is it?
22:38Would you like some toast?
22:40No, I'm fine, thank you
22:41Why, would you like some toast?
22:44You've started him off now sir
22:45No toast
22:46How about some brioche?
22:48No brioche, no cornbread, no yeast bread
22:50No flatbread, no sweetbread, no fruit bread
22:52No rye, no soda, no breadsticks
22:54No burger buns, perhaps baguettes or bagels
22:57No ciabatta, ciabatta, cracker, crepe or crumpet
23:00And definitely no smeg and donuts
23:03Muffins it is, coming right up
23:06Sir, we have no choice, if we're going to win this election
23:09We're going to have to do a deal with Tocky
23:13Okay, what do you want?
23:15Well, I want out of the garbage hold
23:17Fine
23:18I want to be placed in the sleeping quarters
23:21No way
23:22Sir
23:23Fine
23:24Plugged in
23:25No
23:26Fine
23:27You eat 11 pieces of toast each morning
23:293
23:309
23:314
23:327 and 1 croissant
23:334 and a pan of chocolate
23:366, a bagel and a toasted tea cake
23:39Fine
23:41You have my vote
23:43Ladies and gentlemen of Machines Printers
23:46It is my great honor to accept this post as Machine President
23:57Trying to get moves?
23:58Where you been?
23:59Starving out yet?
24:01I got a confession to make
24:03To cut a long story short, I've been reading books
24:08Before I couldn't see the writing, I never read
24:11Before I couldn't see the writing and now I can
24:13Who was it who said you can't help getting older, but you can help getting old?
24:17I bet it was a dead guy
24:20Sir, I fail to see the problem
24:21They're making me smarter, I'm learning a whole lot I didn't know
24:24But obviously I'm not as cool as I used to be
24:27You've got to make a decision, Kat
24:29Between caring more about being cool
24:31Or growing as a person and becoming smarter
24:38Let's play
24:41Where's Remy?
24:43Garbage hold
24:45I sealed him in till Monday
24:47On his own?
24:48Of course not, what am I, a monster?
24:58No toast!
25:10No toast!
25:11No toast!
25:12No toast!
25:13No toast!
25:14No toast!
25:15No toast!
25:16No toast!
25:17No toast!
25:18No toast!
25:19No toast!
25:20No toast!
25:21No toast!
25:22No toast!
25:23No toast!
25:24No toast!
25:25No toast!
25:26No toast!
25:27No toast!
25:28No toast!
25:29No toast!
25:30No toast!
25:31No toast!
25:32No toast!
25:33No toast!
25:34No toast!
25:35No toast!
25:36No toast!
25:37No toast!
25:38No toast!
25:39No toast!
25:40No toast!