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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 Bobby, you ought to leave a burger for your mother.
00:35 She'll be hungry after her big meeting.
00:37 She knows what time dinner is.
00:40 Boy, select me five.
00:41 The school picked my float design for the Veterans Day parade.
00:45 We are recreating the famous flag raising scene at Iwo Hima.
00:49 Oh, like last year's school float.
00:53 Well, yes, but what Principal Moss loved most about my idea was how authentic it will be.
01:00 Each mannequin will be wearing authentic medals awarded for bravery at Iwo Hima.
01:06 Hey, you know who might have some of those?
01:08 That oddball who runs that Brick-A-Brack store.
01:12 Mm-mm, move to Provincetown.
01:14 No, in my capacity as float committee chairman, I will place a toll call to your father in Houston
01:20 and ask him for his Purple Heart, Silver Star, and whatever else they gave him for killing all those Japanese.
01:26 [MUSIC]
01:29 Boy, this is a choice cut of North Carolina pine, the perfect wood to honor our veterans.
01:35 It will be under 600 pounds of sand.
01:38 Don't blow our budget, Hank.
01:39 Use that.
01:41 Particle board?
01:42 Yeah, if you want to throw out your float in five or ten years.
01:46 Stand on your tiptoes, deedy woman.
01:49 Dad?
01:50 Well, what are you doing in Ireland?
01:52 Buying 192 diapers.
01:55 Hank's wife.
01:56 Cotton, I have been calling you.
01:59 How long have you been in town?
02:00 A week.
02:01 We're staying over to the VFW.
02:03 We love it there.
02:05 Deedy and the baby love it there, too.
02:07 Ain't that right, wife?
02:08 It's just like a second honeymoon, only it's not El Paso.
02:12 A week?
02:13 Why didn't you call?
02:15 I only call the people I want to see.
02:18 [MUSIC]
02:24 They're taking out that yield sign by the Ethan Allen.
02:28 Lives will be lost.
02:30 Ah, smells like pancakes.
02:33 I'll have waffles.
02:35 Grandpa, I was wondering when I'd get to see you.
02:39 And how's my Uncle G.H.?
02:42 Waffles?
02:43 Where's my waffles?
02:44 They're coming right up.
02:46 Oh, and Cotton, can I borrow your war medals for my float, please?
02:50 What?
02:51 I needs them medals.
02:52 I'll be wearing them in the veterans parade.
02:55 That's right, Bobby.
02:56 Your granddad carries the flag every year down in Houston.
03:00 Not this year, Bobby.
03:01 I'll be marching here in Harlem with my war vetties, Topsy, Brooklyn, Fat Brooklyn, and
03:08 of course, Irwin Leaker.
03:10 What happened to Lucky?
03:11 Dead.
03:12 Good going, Dale.
03:15 That looks like some top quality sand you got there.
03:18 Yeah, they won't be building any sand castles over at Staubach Elementary this week.
03:24 Look what I signed out for the weekend.
03:27 It might not shift out a second, but it'll tow a float eight city blocks.
03:32 Or if we attach a steel extrusion to the front, we could push the float.
03:40 Am I the only one who allows his mind to prance outside the box?
03:45 Hello?
03:47 Cotton?
03:49 Peggy, my stepdaughter-in-law.
03:55 Why are you here?
03:59 Oh, well, I came across this box of brand new cigars, and I know how much Cotton enjoys
04:06 cigars, so...
04:07 Oh, these are not Cotton's brand.
04:10 He won't like them.
04:11 But I do.
04:12 I'll smoke them.
04:13 Oh my, you certainly have brought a lot of stuff.
04:16 Oh my, you certainly have brought a lot for your vacation.
04:21 And in which box would I find Cotton's war medals, please?
04:25 The medals are in a locked display case in the lobby next to the vending machine where
04:30 we get dinner.
04:31 Come on, Pops, the dinner is out.
04:32 Demsies, you rich pot demsies, you...
04:47 You're cold.
04:49 Yoo-hoo, Dad!
04:51 Entertainment's here!
04:52 Take off your top!
04:54 Oh, it takes life!
04:57 What do you want?
04:58 I'm up eight cents.
04:59 Well, I noticed your authentic war medals in the lobby display.
05:04 Oh, right.
05:05 You want my medals.
05:07 Okay, I'll give 'em to you.
05:09 Cost you $200 a day.
05:12 There's only one way you could make that, except you're 20 years too old and 20 pounds too skinny.
05:19 Cotton Neal, I do not know what I hate more about you, the way you talk to me or the way
05:24 you treat your wife and your little child.
05:27 Well, think about it.
05:29 Selfish, selfish, selfish.
05:34 He is making his wife and your little brother stay in that tiny room just so he can play
05:41 cards all day with that foul-mouthed Irwin Linker?
05:44 Well, it's not all bad.
05:46 G.H. is too young to understand cuss words, and the Brooklins are very good with him.
05:52 I've seen it.
05:53 Rob Reiner says that the first year of life is the most important to a child's development.
05:59 Your baby brother should be listening to lullabies, not to old men hacking up phlegm.
06:05 All right, all right.
06:07 I'll go down there tomorrow and talk to my dad.
06:10 Huh.
06:11 Do you think the nail on my pinky toe will ever grow back?
06:19 You're supposed to yield, you...
06:21 Oh, not anymore.
06:23 Thanks a lot, Councilman Fred Ebbard.
06:26 Jerk.
06:27 Are you chewing my shorts?
06:29 What in the...
06:31 Here do I get.
06:32 There's 53 cans there, Nicola Pop.
06:35 You owe me $2.65.
06:37 Sir, there are only 50 cans here.
06:40 53.
06:41 This hobo took three cans from my pile.
06:44 I got those cans from a sewer outside the bus station.
06:47 Them three cans was my cans.
06:49 I smashed them myself, smashed them good.
06:51 You're lying.
06:52 This dumpster monkey is lying.
06:55 Whoever hands me the cans gets the money.
06:57 Here.
06:58 What a cuss, Berk.
07:00 I need that money.
07:01 Give me that.
07:02 They took my house.
07:04 I got to live in a VFW.
07:07 I'm broke.
07:08 Broke?
07:15 You have no money and you lost the house in Houston?
07:19 How could this happen?
07:21 Did you blow it all on exotic dancers?
07:24 Don't you judge me.
07:26 My pension barely covered me and the woman.
07:29 I didn't plan on busting through my weenie shield and having this little fella.
07:33 And I can't deny him anything in the world, no I can't.
07:38 Cotton tried to find a job in Houston, but nobody wanted him.
07:43 Well, Deedee, you're a certified optometrical assistant.
07:46 There's lens crafters down at the--
07:48 No wife of mine is going to work.
07:51 Look, Dad, I've got a few extra dollars in my passbook account.
07:55 I could help you out.
07:57 You ain't my daddy.
07:58 I'm your daddy.
08:00 Thompson.
08:03 Show Hank the door.
08:08 All right, back off.
08:10 God.
08:11 Dad, I could talk to Buck Strickland about getting you a job at Strickland Propane.
08:17 I don't need your charity job.
08:20 I've got me an interview tomorrow.
08:22 Getting back into the installation business.
08:24 Same work that kept your mother and J.C. Penney skirts and paid for your glasses all them years.
08:31 Four eyes.
08:35 I'm your man, Mr. Lewis.
08:37 I supervise the installation of asbestos in every public school in Hamlet County and 11 bowling alleys.
08:46 Yeah, our company is paid to remove asbestos.
08:50 What? What? What?
08:52 Remove asbestos?
08:54 What the hell for?
08:56 You wrote on your application that you're 38 years old.
09:00 Is that right?
09:02 Indeed.
09:04 I tend to look older because the Japanese shot my shins off in the war.
09:09 Which war?
09:11 Gulf War.
09:13 Now hold on there.
09:14 You can't ask an applicant his age.
09:17 I'm sorry, who is this?
09:18 I'm his son.
09:20 Gulf War, baby.
09:22 Saddam's chemicals made him freakishly large.
09:25 Yeah, we'll be sure to give you a call.
09:32 Tell you, Hank, ever since you sold me those propane patio heaters, people have been eating outside, even when it's cold.
09:39 Well, clean, even heating is just one of the 14 reasons...
09:43 Yeah, yeah, I remember your toast at my daughter's wedding.
09:46 Now listen, if there's ever anything I can do for you, just give me a holler.
09:52 Mr. Burton, are you a fan of World War II heroes?
09:58 So you're my Uncle Bert's new hire.
10:00 Now this is your stool.
10:02 When people come in, you give them the special greeting.
10:04 Did you learn the special greeting?
10:06 I studied on it.
10:07 Good for you.
10:09 Break time's in an hour.
10:10 You get three ounces of beef or five ounces of chicken and one starch.
10:27 Thank you.
10:28 Mm-hmm.
10:30 Welcome to Burton's.
10:31 The hostess will seat you.
10:38 Welcome to Burton's.
10:40 The hostess will seat you.
10:43 Oh.
10:44 Uh, she's tied up.
10:47 Momentarily.
10:48 Right this way.
10:53 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
10:55 He was waiting.
10:56 I'm showing him to a table.
10:57 That's the hostess's job.
10:59 You're a greeter.
11:00 Now please return to your stool.
11:01 Now you listen to me, Junior.
11:04 I led a platoon of men through the jungles of Saipan.
11:08 I think I can lead a party of four to table six.
11:13 I'm sure you can.
11:15 But right now, what I need you to do is go back to your stool.
11:20 You think I can't do it?
11:22 I've done everything for this country.
11:24 I gave my shins to beat the Tojos.
11:27 I beat a Nazi's windpipe in half.
11:42 My stool was the greeter's stool.
11:46 Congratulations.
11:47 You've been promoted to men's room attendant.
11:50 What?
11:57 Ah.
12:00 Sorry about that.
12:14 Good afternoon, king folk.
12:16 Who knew there was so much money in greeting?
12:20 Hop in.
12:21 I'm going to treat all the hill boys to some ice cream.
12:24 My work here is done.
12:26 Cotton, look at the detail on this float.
12:28 Now, I'd say it's a second place float right now.
12:31 All it needs to move up to first are authentic war medals.
12:35 You're such a nag.
12:37 Now I know why Hank wants to divorce you.
12:39 Dad, there's not a shred of truth.
12:42 Mull it over.
12:45 That's a one.
12:47 Hey! Get out of my Cadillac car!
12:50 It's my car now.
12:51 You're five months behind on your payments.
12:54 Afternoon, ma'am.
12:55 Lane Pratley.
12:56 Pratley Cadillac and Hyundai.
12:57 Hold on a minute now.
12:59 There's got to be something that we can work out here.
13:02 It's too late for that, Hank.
13:03 But it's not too late to put you into a brand new Sonata.
13:06 Only 52,000 miles on her.
13:08 She's practically a dealer car.
13:11 Now, cut your dust out!
13:14 Dad, no!
13:15 You think about that tomorrow, huh?
13:18 Get off my block!
13:23 Well, thank you very much, Hank, for helping me chop him up.
13:30 You owe me a Cadillac car.
13:33 [car engine]
13:38 [music]
13:46 Mr. Hill, you're late.
13:47 Couldn't reach the ding chord on the bus.
13:50 Now, listen up, Junior.
13:51 I ain't gonna be here tomorrow.
13:53 I'm marching in the veterans parade, and I still get my full pay.
13:57 [laughs]
13:59 Not on my watch.
14:00 Veterans Day is one of our busiest days.
14:02 We're right on the parade route.
14:04 I need you in the men's room, on your stool.
14:07 You can't do that.
14:08 I killed Fittie Mann.
14:10 That parade is for me.
14:12 Mr. Hill, maybe you have to reevaluate whether you really want to clean up after my customers use the bathroom.
14:20 Hmm?
14:26 Your mother stayed up all night putting the finishing touches on that float.
14:31 Never came to bed.
14:32 What the...
14:35 You put skeletons on Iwo Jima?
14:38 Without your father's medals, the whole authentic concept didn't work.
14:42 I had to go in a different direction.
14:44 The futility of war.
14:47 Peggy, you can't make fun of war heroes in a veterans parade.
14:52 It is a tribute.
14:53 Those are skeletons, Peggy.
14:56 Well, old Halloween decorations were the best I could do at 4 a.m., Hank.
15:01 Sorry I'm late.
15:02 I had to take three buses.
15:04 One to get here, one to go back and get G.H., and then one to get here.
15:10 Where's my dad?
15:11 He had to work.
15:12 A veteran working on Veterans Day?
15:15 That ain't right.
15:36 Dad?
15:37 You in here?
15:38 They said you were back here.
15:40 I'm on my break from my greener job.
15:42 What do you want?
15:43 I'm busy.
15:44 Well, I stopped by the VFW and picked up your dress uniform, your marching shoes...
15:50 I can't march today.
15:51 I'm too big of a man here.
15:53 That's too much responsibility.
15:55 Dad, you're the greatest war hero Arlen's ever seen.
15:59 You should be marching in that parade.
16:02 Can't.
16:03 Well, I'm just going to leave your uniform on this bar stool, if you change your mind.
16:29 I beg your pardon.
16:31 Oh, sorry.
16:34 Would you believe this isn't the first time that's happened to me?
16:38 Ass.
16:39 Happy Veterans Day!
16:41 Happy Veterans Day!
16:44 I told you we'll bring your meal in to you.
17:11 Do it for the baby.
17:15 Do it for the baby.
17:17 My Cadillac!
17:18 He clowned at me?
17:19 Get that son of a bitch!
17:20 Oh, good.
17:45 My dad decided to join the parade after all.
17:54 Good lord!
17:57 I love a parade.
18:14 Scoot over.
18:15 My dad stole his car back.
18:33 We can't agree on it, then Bob and I will go to Del Taco and you two go to Taco Bell.
18:38 Okay?
18:39 I ain't no stinkhouse porter.
18:40 You think a shittin' this man can't remove asbestos?
18:44 I'll show you what a 75 year old shittin' this man can remove.
18:49 Told you it was a rug.
18:50 61 smash, 62 smash, 63 smash, 64 smash, 65 smash, 66 smash, 67 smash, 68 smash, 69 smash,
19:13 60 and 1 smash, 60 and 2 smash, 60 and 3, go away you, these are my kids.
19:24 Hey fingers, you ain't countin' fast enough.
19:27 60 and 4, 60 and 5, 60 and 6, 60 and 7, 60 and 8, 60 and 9, 60 and 10, 60 and 11.
19:40 That's it.
19:41 You shouldn't be waitin' for a bus.
19:43 You strangled Herman Gary for God's sake.
19:48 Please don't kill me.
19:49 Oh, I won't.
19:51 But in a few minutes, you was gonna wish you was dead.
20:00 Take your time, sir.
20:02 Yeah, thanks.
20:09 Outstanding work, Sergeant.
20:11 Reminds me of the old days.
20:13 All right, who's next?
20:15 Who's next?
20:27 There's nobody left.
20:30 And I still ain't done nothin' to help my family.
20:34 Come on, this is the way you say, "Copsy, let's roll," and you say--
20:39 Sorry, Tappington.
20:41 Some things a man has to do on his own.
20:52 I'm sorry we never got to go for that ice cream cone, Bobby.
20:57 Looks like we're not gonna get the chance.
20:59 Just as well, I don't have any money.
21:02 I've got that share of U.S. steel you bought me when I was born.
21:06 We could cash that in.
21:08 Uh-uh.
21:09 You should put that money into life insurance.
21:11 Best thing I ever did.
21:14 I'm worth more dead than alive.
21:16 What do you mean, Grandpa?
21:18 Is there a price on your head?
21:21 Probably.
21:23 Here you go.
21:24 I've written you a letter of recommendation for the Army.
21:26 Give this to the General when you turn 15.
21:48 Dad, Grandpa was just here.
21:51 He was acting all weird.
21:53 He kept talking about how important it is to have life insurance.
21:57 The Colonel asked me for some ammunition,
22:00 which, due to the spectacular failure of Y2K, I had plenty of.
22:07 Knowing you, you gave it all to him.
22:09 No.
22:11 I tried to, but he said he only needed one bullet.
22:14 One bullet?
22:16 Oh, damn it, Dale.
22:26 Cotton, I have been watching G.H. all day.
22:30 It is your turn.
22:31 Not now, woman.
22:33 Yes, now.
22:34 I need some me time to do the laundry.
22:44 Dad, Dad, open up.
22:45 Come on, let me in.
22:47 Go away.
22:48 This doesn't involve you.
22:51 Dad!
22:56 Just thought the boy had a favorite gun.
22:59 Look at him.
23:00 He loves to shoot.
23:02 You cried your first time, and you was three.
23:06 Oh, you were just...
23:10 Boy, I thought you were...
23:12 What?
23:13 I was spending time with my favorite son.
23:16 You got a problem with that?
23:21 No.
23:23 No, I don't.
23:25 Hank, I thought it over.
23:27 I've decided to let you give me some money.
23:29 You know, for G.H.
23:31 Well, I'm glad you've come around, and I'm happy to help you out.
23:35 It ain't help.
23:36 You're paying me back for all the money I spent raising you.
23:40 Food, clothes, sissy lenses for your eyes.
23:44 Okay, Dad, that seems fair.
23:46 It's more than fair.
23:48 I ain't even charging you interest, because you're my son and all.
23:53 Now give me $300.
23:55 I want to buy G.H. and me a set of walkie-talkies.
23:59 You know, for when he learns to walk and talk.
24:01 Well, I've got a 20 on me.
24:04 20 bucks?
24:06 I got poop tips bigger than that.
24:11 Whoa.
24:13 [Music]
24:20 [Music]
24:26 [Music]
24:55 Waffles? Where's my waffles?