King Of The Hill Season 5 Episode 1 The Perils Of Polling
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00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:32 Okay, I just voted. Could you see anything?
00:37 Nope, nothing. You could develop film in that booth.
00:41 Mm-hmm. That's right. Peggy Hill's Garage of Democracy is gonna make those saps in Precinct 9 wish they never voted in that stinking firehouse.
00:51 Hey, Dad, can you give me and Lou Anne a ride to where Route 15 meets the 42?
00:57 Why? There's nothing there but a huge empty lot.
01:00 Nah, Uncle Hank. This week it's 20 acres of fun and one acre of crap.
01:06 I can't make candy fire.
01:10 Well, Lou Anne, I wish you'd get this excited about voting in your first presidential election.
01:15 Now, did you send in those registration forms I gave you for your 18th birthday?
01:21 No, but that's okay. I just vote for president next year.
01:26 [sigh]
01:27 Come on, Mom.
01:30 I am not leaving until this booth has proven to me that it is 100% confidential.
01:36 Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?
01:39 Peggy, there is absolutely no way you can see through that --
01:43 Three?
01:44 [camera shutter]
01:45 [music]
01:48 I was just guessing.
01:50 [music]
01:59 Mom, can I have five tickets for fair food?
02:03 I don't want them guessing my weight on an empty stomach.
02:07 [camera shutter]
02:09 Oh, I'm hungry, too.
02:11 Lou Anne, you should be hungry for democracy.
02:14 Um, no. I think I want a corn on a stick.
02:19 Lou Anne, in a few years that corn will be gone, but the thrill of voting lasts and lasts.
02:26 I still get goose pimples thinking about pulling the lever for Councilman Fred Ebert.
02:32 Of course, then he betrayed me.
02:34 Now, go on and register.
02:37 The polls and the media have been ignoring my campaign,
02:41 but they're going to have a little surprise come election day
02:45 when long-shot candidate Ted T. Gataway moves out of his parents' house and into the White House.
02:52 Hey, look, a fringe candidate. Poor, confused bastard.
02:56 Well, you have to admire his dedication.
02:59 I mean, he's right here in the heart of what I like to call "bush country."
03:04 [footsteps]
03:08 Hello, friend.
03:09 Oh, you made eye contact.
03:12 Good job, Hank. You talk to him.
03:15 My name is Ted T. Gataway, and I'm running for president.
03:18 Uh, yeah, well, my wife and I are pretty committed to George W. Bush, you know.
03:25 And even if we weren't, uh, well, there's four or five candidates ahead of you.
03:31 Well, good luck with the campaign.
03:34 Governor George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore want you to focus on my hit-and-run conviction
03:40 and not my 16-point plan for America.
03:43 Dad, I know it's not up your alley, but there's this pig named Mitch.
03:48 Let's go.
03:51 Welcome, folks. Y'all ready for some world-class pig-diving?
03:55 [pig squeals]
03:57 Now, before we meet our star, let's give a county fair howdy to Mitch's Fishes.
04:04 [cheers and applause]
04:14 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the main event, the real deal,
04:19 the finest diver with four legs, the pork luteus, Mitch the Amazing Diving Pig.
04:27 [cheers and applause]
04:30 For his first dive, Mitch will perform the Tula Hula,
04:34 a death-defying plunge through not one, not three, but two hula hoops.
04:43 [pig squeals]
04:45 Yes!
04:47 That was pretty good for a pig.
04:51 And now, for our finale, Mitch will dive through three rings of burning fire.
04:58 And the most difficult dive known to man or pig, the Johnny Cash.
05:08 You can do it, Mitch.
05:13 [pig squeals]
05:15 [cheers and applause]
05:17 I love this pig!
05:27 Nothing to worry about, folks. Mitch is just hamming it up.
05:41 Somebody do something! Oh, God, Mitch!
05:47 Mommy, no! That's pig water!
06:11 [pig squeals]
06:20 Mitch is dead!
06:23 Not this pig. Not today.
06:29 [pig squeals]
06:30 [cheers and applause]
06:34 Thank you, son. You saved my boy's life.
06:37 What's your name?
06:39 Bobby Hill.
06:40 Let's give a big hand to Bobby Hill, the amazing pig-saving boy!
06:47 [cheers and applause]
07:00 Oh, God. How much money is it going to take to get that film?
07:04 Oh, don't worry. I'm not with the press.
07:07 I'm with the Bush-Cheney campaign, and you must be the amazing pig-saving boy's father.
07:13 Well, I don't, uh...
07:15 This is just the kind of heroism the governor loves to attach himself to.
07:20 Why don't y'all come to his Get Out the Vote rally next week as our guests?
07:25 Great! Now, if you do a background check, I'm Hank R. Hill,
07:31 not that Hank P. Hill who doesn't pay his Discover card bill.
07:36 [cheers and applause]
07:43 I'm Hank! I registered to vote!
07:47 Oh, terrific! George W. is going to need every vote he can get, or they won't call it a landslide.
07:53 George W.? He's not a communist, is he?
07:58 Uh, no, he's not.
08:02 Wait, oh, here it is. See, our candidate is Robert Parigi.
08:08 What? Communist? No!
08:12 I guess I cancel your vote out.
08:15 My first election, and your vote means nothing!
08:22 Long live the People's Revolution!
08:25 [music]
08:30 What were you thinking? The Russians don't even believe in communism anymore.
08:35 You said you wanted me to vote.
08:38 You sure did, Hank. Maybe Luanne has a good reason for throwing her vote away.
08:42 I've got several. First, the line in his booth was the shortest.
08:47 I like his tie. It's red.
08:51 And his shirt is white, and his jacket is blue.
08:55 And that stands for America.
08:58 Copy that, Sam!
09:00 So I see you finally got Luanne involved in politics. That's good.
09:07 Ass.
09:08 The people united...
09:10 Boo! Boo!
09:14 Commie, go home!
09:16 Okay.
09:20 I just think if you don't read the newspaper, and the only TV you watch is the MTV, you shouldn't be allowed to vote.
09:28 Stop fighting the last war, Hank! Women got to vote, and there's nothing we can do about it.
09:34 Unless...
09:37 Unless what?
09:39 I don't know. You're a smart guy. You'll figure something out.
09:43 I'll get it.
09:48 Oh, good evening, mate. May I trouble you for a word?
09:52 Oh, Lord.
09:53 Who is it, Hank?
09:54 The manger babies. I'll get rid of 'em.
09:57 Cheerio! I just wanted to tell you you should vote for Robert Perigi of the Communist Party, USA, for president. What what?
10:06 You don't know the first thing about communism.
10:08 What's to know? Robert Perigi's got the cutest little ears and the prettiest eyebrows.
10:15 Can I tell Robert he can count on your vote?
10:18 No, you cannot. I hate communists. All they do is boss people around.
10:24 Sounds like you, Uncle Hank.
10:27 Luanne, please go home before I tell you you're acting like an idiot and make you cry.
10:33 Eeyah! You're a communist! Eeyah!
10:36 No, I'm not.
10:37 Welcome to the party, mate!
10:39 Get that penguin back here. I'm not done.
10:41 Eeyah! Power to the people, comrade!
10:44 What I say? You look good in red, comrade. Here, what what?
10:48 All right. I gave you fair warning. Luanne, you're acting like an idiot.
10:54 Oh, no! Uncle Hank! No!
10:59 Hank, I'm making cookies to serve on election day.
11:09 Which do you think tastes better? The chips Ahoy heated up or the E.L. Fudge heated up?
11:15 I don't know.
11:16 Oh. Well, where's Luanne?
11:18 Well, I told her she was being an idiot and she ran off crying.
11:23 Oh, Hank, again?
11:25 Well, she called me a communist in my own home.
11:28 She doesn't know what the heck she's talking about.
11:31 All right, Hank. Luanne is Cinderella, and she fell for the wrong prince.
11:37 You have to be her fairy godmother and introduce her to George W. Bush.
11:43 Take her to the Bush rally, or as I like to call it, the ball,
11:47 and let George W. put his issues, or as I like to call them, the glass slippers, on her feet.
11:54 I can't bring a communist to see the next president of the United States.
11:58 Hank, if Luanne is still a communist after hearing the greatest orator of our day,
12:04 then she really is a communist, and then we really have a problem.
12:09 Hey, y'all. How y'all doing?
12:15 He's even more handsome than his dad.
12:20 Well, Barbara's a handsome woman, but you know, it's his ideas that you'll find the most attractive.
12:27 I don't know. He's really handsome.
12:31 Now, I don't want any of y'all to think that Cheney and I have this thing in the back,
12:36 so don't forget to vote on November 7th.
12:39 Ooh, I really like his smile and his tie, which is red. I like red ties.
12:48 Luanne, stop looking at him. Close your eyes and listen to the issues.
12:54 Wait till you hear him call for lower taxes and a stronger national defense.
12:59 I just gave away the end of his speech.
13:02 And a strong national defense. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.
13:17 You know, you're right, Uncle Hank. He's gonna cut my taxes and let me try in junior college.
13:24 I think I will vote for him.
13:27 There you go.
13:29 Pig boy.
13:36 Pig heart transplant boy or pig saving boy?
13:39 I can't remember.
13:41 Eh, I'll wing it.
13:42 Hey, there's Havlock County's newest hero.
13:46 I was just in the right place at the right time. Like any hero.
13:51 Yeah, and I'm the boy's dad.
13:54 I need your vote, partner.
13:56 You got it, Governor Bush.
13:58 What's wrong, Hank?
14:09 Oh, my God. His handshake.
14:15 It's limp.
14:17 Did Bush's hand feel like a flounder or something softer, like a jellyfish?
14:27 I don't want to talk about it.
14:30 Was it mushy and wet like a handful of egg salad?
14:36 It was soft and damp. Let's just leave it at that.
14:41 Was it a wriggler?
14:43 Stop it. All of you, stop it. Stop it right now.
14:47 This is dead serious. I don't know what to do. I thought I knew the man.
14:52 But the man I knew had a strong, firm grip.
14:56 I thought you only cared about the issues, Hank.
14:59 Well, yeah, but a man's handshake is an issue.
15:03 It's, uh, well, it's the character issue.
15:07 No. Character is about having principles and not sleeping with the help and such.
15:13 But a wimpy handshake, now that's just trivial, Hank, trivial.
15:18 It's not trivial. This man could be the next leader of the free world.
15:23 We're going to have nutjob third-world dictators walking all over us
15:27 when they find out our president doesn't have a strong enough finger to push the button.
15:33 That makes a lot of sense. A lot of non-sense.
15:37 Why don't we choose a president by lottery like they choose the Pope?
15:45 Don't be ridiculous. That's how Lou Anne would pick a president.
15:49 No dumber than the handshake.
15:51 Yep, you and Lou Anne, two peas in a pod.
15:55 All voters are the same. Simple-minded fools who think their vote makes a difference.
16:01 The system's broke, Hank. The election baby has peed in the bathwater.
16:06 You gotta throw 'em both out.
16:08 It was a horrible, horrible, horrible handshake.
16:13 But I don't know.
16:15 Come on, Hank's been tomorrow not voting with me.
16:19 Every election day I go Christmas shopping.
16:22 All the suckers are at the polls, the outlet malls are empty.
16:26 Parking lots are full, which I never understood.
16:29 I got a theory, but it involves the largest mirror in Texas.
16:33 No, no, I've got to vote.
16:35 So you're voting for the other fella?
16:37 I don't know. All I know is if I don't vote, I won't get called for jury duty anymore.
16:44 Hank, honey, if you have to go into the garage, please walk on the stripes.
16:52 The stars will not be dry until morning.
16:55 Look, look, right there. See that guy's reaction when Bush shakes his hand?
17:00 Surprise, then disappointment.
17:03 Sure, but when I want to watch "Scent of a Woman," you don't even know how to work the DCR.
17:08 See? See the guy's smiling, happy, on top of the world.
17:12 Then Bush shakes. There goes the man's face. See? Surprise, then disappointment.
17:18 See that? Surprise, then disappointment.
17:24 Surprise, then disappointment.
17:27 Surprise, then disappointment.
17:30 Hank, honey, thanks for making your side of the bed this morning.
17:34 It saved me lots of time. Hank... Hank?
17:39 You know, with voter turnout at all-time lows, not voting makes me more American.
17:45 The only thing more American than not voting is Egyptian cotton linen irregulars at 40% off.
17:52 First stop, Wimsutta Sheets.
17:56 Mrs. Fetter, what time do you have?
18:01 A little before seven. I have seven.
18:04 It's still a little before seven.
18:07 On three, two, one, now!
18:15 Now!
18:17 [Bells jingling]
18:22 Hi, Peggy. First to vote, last to leave.
18:27 And the pockets are big enough for an... umbrella!
18:35 Sha-sha-sha!
18:37 Joseph will love it.
18:41 [Chuckles] I look like a jackass. [Chuckles] Look at that.
18:49 Well, I'm ready to vote.
18:54 Where's Uncle Hank? I wanted us to vote at the same time.
18:58 He and Dale went down to that outlet mall, you know, the one next door to Mexico.
19:03 Well, he'll be back before the polls close, won't he?
19:08 Mmm, no, no, no, no. But that's okay. Hank says he's not voting.
19:14 [Gasps]
19:15 Smell this, Hank. Does it smell like Boomhauer?
19:23 Yeah, it smells like Boomhauer. He's gonna love it.
19:28 Uh-oh, this could be a propane emergency.
19:31 Nah, just Lou Anne or one of her manger babies.
19:36 So where to, Dale?
19:38 Well, Nancy's been wanting an Onyx chessboard, and I know just the place.
19:43 I think Uncle Hank is dead. He didn't return my paint!
19:48 Well, I am sure he's not dead, Lou Anne. That number is for propane emergencies only.
19:54 Whoa, Dale, this bridge goes into Mexico.
20:01 Did I make a wrong turn? All right, let me try to spin around.
20:06 Nope. Not yet. Now? Nope.
20:11 Oh, well, we're in Mexico. What are you gonna do?
20:15 Dang it, Dale, turn around up here.
20:17 No, there is to be no deviation from the plan.
20:21 What plan?
20:22 Oh, I'm sorry. We're gonna spend the rest of the day in Mexico, see how the election turns out.
20:29 If there's any problem, civil unrest, military coup, we will remain in Mexico under assumed identities.
20:37 You are Fritz Kruger, wealthy Ecuadorian rancher, and I am Central American singing sensation La Motio.
20:46 You know I'm not Ecuadorian, so why would I need Ecuadorian papers?
20:51 You're already not voting. You might as well give up your citizenship.
20:56 Believe me, Hank, if things go sour up north, you'll be happier a non-naturalized resident alien in Mexico.
21:04 It's Rudy at Goober Smooches.
21:07 Believe me, this is serious. He doesn't just call to chat. We have nothing in common.
21:13 Goober Smooches.
21:22 Rudy?
21:23 No, it's Luann Platter, and it's not a propane emergency. It's a "why aren't you voting" emergency.
21:31 Why aren't you voting?
21:33 Because my candidate's handshake had no character.
21:38 What takes character is to vote anyways, even if it's rainy or your face is splatty or your uncle made you cry or your candidate's a dud.
21:48 It doesn't take any character to give up.
21:51 What do you know? You've never even voted.
21:53 Well, maybe I won't vote after all, since apparently it's not that important.
21:58 I think I'll go shopping, just like you did, Uncle Hank, because I don't need to vote, but I can always use a good pair of pants.
22:06 Luann, I want you to meet me at our polling place, and I'll give you the pants I just bought you for Christmas.
22:16 Dale, can I see your keys for a second?
22:19 Why?
22:20 Uh, it was supposed to be a surprise, but, uh, I bought you a leather keychain at the coach outlet, and I wanted to make sure it fits.
22:31 Oh, when did you do that? When I was trying on underwear?
22:36 Wait a minute. You know I don't like keychains.
22:41 What did you get me? A money clip?
22:44 Uh, keep guessing.
22:46 Kenneth Cole shoes, a new spaghetti pot, a leather backpack, something with leather...
22:55 Come on, come on.
23:01 Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
23:07 Yeah, yeah, 86 miles per hour. Now, would you mind writing this up fast? I've got to get home before the polls close. I've got to vote.
23:15 You haven't voted?
23:17 An amber eye bucket, a snapper, total gym.
23:22 You made it!
23:31 How much time do we have?
23:33 One minute. I have two minutes. One minute.
23:39 [music]
23:41 So, who'd you vote for, Hank?
24:01 Nuh-uh-uh. If he tells you, it won't come true.
24:06 [music]
24:08 Hello, I'm Hank Hill from TV's King of the Hill.
24:22 And I'm Bobby Hill from TV's King of the Hill.
24:26 Welcome to what used to be my garage.
24:30 That's where I usually park my bike.
24:32 We're here to remind you to register to vote. So go ahead, fill out your registration card, and you'll be eligible to win these valuable prizes.
24:43 Freedom, civic pride, and a brand new president.
24:49 Was that a regular?