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AmusantTranscription
00:00 *slurping*
00:03 *sobbing*
00:12 *music*
00:15 *crunch*
00:16 *sobbing*
00:21 *music*
00:24 *click*
00:25 *music*
00:54 *sobbing*
01:00 I do love Christmas.
01:02 I like to celebrate the anniversary of when Lenore left me seven years ago Christmas Eve.
01:08 Best thing that ever happened to me.
01:10 Yep.
01:11 Well, that's nice, Bill.
01:13 Yeah, I tell you what.
01:14 Holidays are the least lonely time of the year.
01:17 *sobbing*
01:20 Ah.
01:21 *sigh*
01:22 You know, I feel like eating a cookie.
01:25 Bill's always got some cookies lying around, probably.
01:30 *slurping*
01:32 *music*
01:33 Bill?
01:34 *music*
01:46 *sniffing*
01:48 Oh!
01:49 Hey!
01:50 Hey, buddy.
01:51 I was just cleaning for baby Jesus' birthday.
01:55 Well, good.
01:57 Uh, I just wanted to make sure that you'll be coming over for dinner, you know, until the holidays are over.
02:05 Oh, yeah, I'm coming.
02:07 I cleared my calendar right through the end of the year, and a good chunk of the next.
02:12 Bill, uh, these old gifts aren't for Lenore, are they?
02:17 No!
02:18 *laughing*
02:20 Yes, but she'll come back and be happy I saved everything.
02:25 Uh, Bill, you've got to face the facts.
02:29 She's not...
02:30 *sniff*
02:31 Well, it's very unlikely that, uh...
02:34 *sniff*
02:36 Well, I guess you never know.
02:38 Freakish things do happen.
02:40 Yes, they do.
02:42 *sniff*
02:43 Thank you.
02:44 I've received a few more responses for our party.
02:47 Rudy Beaker?
02:48 Yes, DP?
02:49 All this talk about people makes me...
02:52 You know what it makes me think about?
02:54 Breakups.
02:56 You ever think about that dead boyfriend of yours?
02:59 Well...
03:00 I wonder if you'll ever find someone again.
03:02 I mean, most people just get one relationship in this life.
03:06 Lou Anne, honey, can you help me serve at the party?
03:09 You were such a wonderful hostess last year.
03:12 I, uh...
03:14 *sigh*
03:15 What?
03:16 I can help, Mom.
03:18 I'll be the hostess with the mostess.
03:22 *sigh*
03:23 *mumble*
03:24 Mary and Margaret...
03:26 What's the name of that girl who dumped you, Bobby?
03:29 Marie.
03:30 Marie!
03:31 Yeah, she was cute.
03:32 Maybe we could talk about something else, huh?
03:35 Oh, yeah, sure.
03:36 Remember Bob Cecil, Peggy?
03:38 You went to a basketball game together?
03:41 You liked him.
03:43 Well, that was 10th grade.
03:45 No, I didn't.
03:46 Yeah, you did, but he didn't like you.
03:50 Uh, shouldn't you be doing this?
03:55 He likes serving.
03:57 *sigh*
03:58 After last night, it is a miracle I have my appetite back at all.
04:01 I just don't see why Bill must ruin all of our dinners.
04:04 Personally, I could live without him.
04:06 Me too.
04:07 Peggy, a little more than 20 years ago,
04:10 I set Arlen High's single season rushing record.
04:14 Sure, I had legs like a jackrabbit,
04:16 but Bill Dautreve blocked for me.
04:19 And the running back who forgets his front line,
04:21 that's the man I wouldn't want to have to dinner.
04:24 Shame on you.
04:26 Shame on you both.
04:28 Here you go, darling.
04:33 Come on.
04:35 *moaning*
04:37 Come on.
04:38 Eat up.
04:39 So, uh, were they all out of dogs there, Bill?
04:43 No, no.
04:44 Iguanas are very trendy these days.
04:47 You see 'em in, uh, cigar bars with movie stars.
04:52 Come on.
04:53 Come on, Lenore.
04:56 You named it Lenore?
04:58 What? Yeah.
04:59 I-I thought it looked like Lenore.
05:01 I think he's just not very hungry right now.
05:03 I mean, with so many new people.
05:05 *sigh*
05:10 Oh, should I leave?
05:13 Thank you.
05:14 Don't worry.
05:24 It's dead.
05:26 *gasp*
05:27 *gasp*
05:28 I cannot eat another meal with Bill at our dinner table.
05:34 Why?
05:35 Bill seemed a lot happier tonight.
05:37 Honey, that iguana is a cry for help.
05:40 A hissing, disease-ridden cry for help.
05:44 Luann, knock!
05:46 I had a bad dream.
05:48 *gasp* Bill?
05:49 I dreamt that Lenore came back and stole Lenore.
05:52 And then Lenore drove off with Lenore, and I ran down the street after him, and I yelled, "Lenore! Lenore!"
06:00 And then my teeth fell out.
06:02 Peggy, you were there.
06:03 Can I sleep in your living room?
06:05 *sigh* Yes, Bill.
06:07 I'm giving you 24 hours to get me out of that man's dreams.
06:15 Shall we?
06:18 Uh, no.
06:21 You need a minute?
06:23 Uh, Bill, I want to have dinner tonight, just the family.
06:28 You don't want me coming to dinner?
06:32 Why don't you just take the night to practice being happy, okay?
06:37 Yeah, okay, that's fine. No problem.
06:39 I like eating alone. I prefer it, even.
06:42 No offense to your family.
06:44 Oh, it is just so wonderful. The food even smells better.
06:49 Oh!
06:58 *sigh*
07:01 And then, the Clint Eastwood character would say, "That propane tank is empty."
07:18 Wouldn't that be a good movie?
07:20 Good? That would be a great movie!
07:24 And would you direct it, Uncle Hank?
07:26 Yeah, me, maybe. Or your Aunt Peggy.
07:29 Dang.
07:46 My ten-footer's gone.
07:50 Dale?
07:51 Or Bill?
07:53 Probably Dale?
07:55 Dale?
07:56 What you doing there, Bill? Satellite dish trouble?
08:03 Nah, I'm just up here to kill myself.
08:06 What?
08:07 No!
08:13 You know who I feel sorriest for in all this?
08:24 Bill. We need to find him a psychiatrist.
08:27 He's just suicidal, Peggy. He's not crazy.
08:30 We've just gotta watch him constantly until he snaps out of it.
08:34 I don't think Bill is gonna snap out of it.
08:37 There's nothing we can do but sit back and watch the blood bath.
08:41 No! He's our friend.
08:43 Now, Dale, you make your own hours, so you take the day shift.
08:46 I'll take nights. Boom hour, late afternoon to early evening.
08:50 Can I have another codeine, please?
08:52 Quiet, Bill. We're trying to do something here.
08:55 So, uh...
09:00 Huh. That shouldn't be here.
09:03 So, uh, maybe you ought to get to bed and try to sleep this thing off.
09:09 All I do is sleep.
09:11 I guess I'm just getting in practice, huh? For the big, long sleep.
09:15 Bah.
09:16 Come on, Bill. How about a beer?
09:19 Beer's a depressant, Hank.
09:21 Don't go blaming the beer.
09:23 It's electric, Bill.
09:38 Yeah, but it's still getting pretty hot.
09:48 All right. We'll do this the hard way.
09:51 Where do you keep your pajamas?
09:53 Okay. You want baseball players or the...
09:58 Hey, what's this fancy one?
10:00 I like the way silk feels on my skin.
10:03 Silk is for pantyhose, Bill.
10:06 They're all I got.
10:08 You've got a wife!
10:10 Put 'em on.
10:11 No, I don't want to.
10:13 Arms up.
10:15 [Sigh]
10:16 [Muffled]
10:22 Rinse.
10:43 [Grunting]
10:47 Damn it, Bill.
10:49 [Grunting]
10:55 Nuh-uh.
11:01 But I have to dinkle.
11:03 Not on my watch.
11:12 Oh.
11:14 Oh, Norn, I used to come here and watch people dance like that.
11:19 [Grunting]
11:30 Stop!
11:32 No!
11:35 [Grunting]
11:37 I can't keep this up.
11:47 It's not in my nature to care about others.
11:50 Yeah, man, I'm a little routine, man.
11:52 I don't want to talk about no free time.
11:54 Work, Bill. Work, Bill. Work, Bill.
11:56 Man, I'm a little bullet in my own head, man.
11:58 Okay. I'll take over your guys' shifts.
12:02 I just gotta work it out with my boss.
12:05 Dale, what are you wearing?
12:07 Nothing.
12:09 That's Bill's pajama top.
12:11 He's as good as dead. What's the difference?
12:14 Sir, you know how I hate missing work during the holidays, but I gotta--
12:20 It's your Christmas party, right? Yeah.
12:22 You need some time to set up.
12:23 Well, get it right. You invited a whole dang client sheet.
12:27 Uh, no. Actually, it concerns a friend of mine, and...
12:31 Well, it's a matter of life or death, really.
12:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wrap it up one way or the other.
12:36 And have Donna zero out your vacation days.
12:39 Dang it, Bill.
12:42 [Sighs]
12:43 I haven't slept in two days.
12:45 This morning, Bill tried to drown himself in the toilet.
12:49 So do you think you could find him a date?
12:52 Uh, I would have to invite a woman over for dinner,
12:56 and, of course, never tell her that Bill would be here.
12:59 Thanks, Peggy.
13:01 They won't let me have a knife.
13:11 I'm in the middle of killing myself.
13:13 Do you like iguanas, Mrs. Tobis?
13:16 You lied to me, Peggy.
13:19 Mr. Doughtry is a collector of exotic reptilia.
13:22 You collect throw pillows?
13:24 I have some pillows on my couch, but that doesn't make me insane.
13:28 And in answer to your question,
13:31 I find iguanas to be filthy, repulsive creatures.
13:35 Well, I think we all could use a bath.
13:39 [Sighs]
13:40 Well, when it's your own.
13:48 You are a gross man.
13:50 Sheila!
13:51 Marry me!
13:52 Bill!
13:53 Oh, this is so exciting!
13:54 I just want my coat.
13:56 For the love of God, get me my coat!
13:59 Allow me.
14:00 The door!
14:05 Don't leave me!
14:07 Oh!
14:14 Sheila, I should tell you right now,
14:18 I have already given him your number.
14:21 [Sighs]
14:22 Bill!
14:33 He would have wanted me to have it.
14:35 He's still alive.
14:37 Nick picking ain't gonna bring him back.
14:40 [Crying]
14:44 Please, help me.
14:45 Oh, hey, help me.
14:47 Help me look for Lenore.
14:48 Bill, can't you see that this whole Lenore thing is your problem?
14:53 The iguana, these presents, this old tree.
14:56 Get rid of this stuff.
14:58 No!
14:59 No, I couldn't.
15:00 I couldn't see when she comes back.
15:03 She's never coming back.
15:05 It's so obvious.
15:06 She doesn't want this stupid stocking.
15:08 No!
15:09 Or whatever's in this box.
15:13 [Groans]
15:17 Or this.
15:18 Or this.
15:21 There.
15:24 [Gasps]
15:25 [Sighs]
15:27 You feel okay?
15:29 I don't feel anything.
15:34 Great, I knew you'd snap out of this.
15:36 Uh, sure you're okay?
15:41 Yes.
15:42 Good.
15:43 Now I can tell you, you were acting pretty weird there.
15:48 Yes.
15:49 Okay, then.
15:51 I'll see you tomorrow.
15:52 I was really hard on him, but it was all for the best.
16:03 Can you imagine if he'd shown up at our party with Lenore?
16:07 Well, are you sure he's okay?
16:09 I asked him twice.
16:12 Oh, there's that lizard.
16:14 Hey!
16:25 Hey, who are you?
16:26 What are you doing in Bill's backyard?
16:29 Hank!
16:30 Don't you recognize me?
16:33 Who?
16:34 I'm Lenore!
16:36 What is going on?
16:38 Well, I'm just washing a dress for your big party, silly.
16:42 Bill, take off the dress.
16:50 Why do you keep calling me Bill?
16:53 My name is Lenore.
16:55 Silly, I've come back because I love Bill so much, and I really missed him.
17:03 No, uh-uh, this is too much.
17:05 In high school, you blocked for me, but I did my job, too.
17:09 I ran through the hole, setting Arlen High's single-season rushing record, as you recall.
17:15 And now here I am blocking for you, but you're not even trying.
17:19 I don't even know what kind of game you're playing.
17:21 Maybe some kind of crazy tennis.
17:24 Hank!
17:25 Okay, then.
17:27 Nice visiting with you.
17:29 See you at the party!
17:31 No!
17:32 No, you stay away from my party!
17:34 No party, you got that?
17:36 I'm already invited, so there.
17:40 Oh, hello!
17:42 Do you gentlemen think you could spare a beer for a lady?
17:45 Come on, you know you're Bill.
17:48 No, no, I don't know that.
17:50 I'm Lenore.
17:52 Well, if you're Lenore, then where's Bill, huh?
17:56 Bill's in the house.
17:59 You want me to go get him?
18:01 I'm skeptical that you could, yet intrigued that you may.
18:09 Bill's been acting a little... weird lately, don't you think?
18:17 Maybe it's me.
18:18 Uh, Bill's busy!
18:21 I needed a rap.
18:23 It's chilly.
18:30 Yep!
18:31 All right, that's it.
18:34 Honey, you're peeling in anger.
18:36 You should be able to get more than one french fry out of a whole Idaho.
18:40 Yeah, maybe I am angry.
18:42 I used my vacation days bathing the son of a bitch, and he threatens to crash my Christmas party.
18:48 He's not being an ingrate on purpose.
18:51 The only way that Bill could get Lenore back was to become her.
18:56 I wouldn't be surprised if there were some psychological basis to it.
19:00 Well, I don't know anything about psychology, but it sounds to me like Mr. Doughtry needs closure.
19:09 He needs to realize that Lenore's never coming back, and he needs to just move on with his life.
19:15 It's the same thing Buckley's Angel told me.
19:17 Well, Buckley's Angel's the only one making sense.
19:20 How about I invite the real Lenore to the party and just settle this thing once and for all?
19:26 Oh, I hope it works, but if they show up in the same dress, it'll be a disaster.
19:40 Listen, Hank, we got all our clients here, big fish, little fish, so if you see some little fish cornering me, it's your job to pull me out.
19:48 We should treat all our clients like big fish, Mr. Strickland.
19:52 Yeah, good, good. Save that for the little fish.
19:56 Damn it.
20:00 (Gasps)
20:04 May I offer you a homemade tater tot, Mr. and Mrs. Doughtry?
20:09 Why, thanks.
20:10 What the hell's going on here, Hank?
20:13 I ordered a Santa. This is some kind of mistake.
20:17 Bill, get out.
20:19 Lenore!
20:20 Bill!
20:21 I want to stay and mingle.
20:23 Lenore, who is me, sure does love a party. Party, party!
20:36 Phone call for you, Mom.
20:38 Yeah, hello?
20:40 Lenore?
20:41 Hold on.
20:43 Bill, it's the real Lenore.
20:45 What?
20:47 Oh, honey, but you have to come by.
20:51 Okay. How about I hand Bill the phone? It would really help.
20:57 Well, if you could just tell him you send your love.
21:03 Yeah, sure. No, I understand.
21:06 Never mind, Bill.
21:08 (Hank humming)
21:14 Is this a joke? 'Cause if it is, I don't care.
21:17 He's a freak.
21:19 I tell you what, man, I'm getting ugly in here, man.
21:21 There's people coming in, getting Bill in on the dress, man.
21:24 I'm getting them with ass-whooping on 'em.
21:30 Go back to Hollywood.
21:31 This isn't the Democratic National Convention.
21:34 You crashed the wrong party, hon.
21:36 Hey, it's strictly pro bono.
21:38 Look at them.
21:39 Take off your dress, buddy. You're scaring me.
21:41 Yeah, now we're having fun.
21:44 Yeah, that's right. It's that kind of party.
21:48 Anything goes. Extra fun. Woo!
21:51 Hank, this wasn't on my invitation.
21:54 Did you make Bill a special invitation?
21:57 Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
22:01 Well, okie-dokie.
22:03 Everyone, let's play Boggle, huh?
22:06 It's not usually played with such a large group, but it's Christmas, so...
22:12 Let's sing a song.
22:16 Stop teasing me!
22:19 Bill, I am Lenore, and I don't love you.
22:23 No, Hank! I'm Lenore!
22:27 I've left you forever because you're lazy and no good.
22:33 Lenore...
22:35 We fight so loud, all the neighbors can hear.
22:38 We fight during the day, we fight during the night...
22:41 Lenore, we can work stuff out. I'm a good husband.
22:46 Bill, if I wanted to work things out, I would have called.
22:50 I don't love you anymore. That's it.
22:53 I don't love you.
22:55 That's all?
22:59 That's why you left?
23:01 It's simple as that?
23:04 You didn't even have the courtesy to send me a "Dear John" letter?
23:10 Well, I'll tell you what I consider that rude,
23:15 and I'll tell you something I am worth a "Dear John" letter.
23:18 I'll tell you that right now, and there are a lot of women who would agree with me.
23:23 So, you know what? You go ahead!
23:25 You get out! Get out!
23:26 You don't... you don't deserve William Fontaine de la Tour d'Autriche!
23:32 Okay, Bill. That's what I'm doing then.
23:54 I hit rock bottom there, didn't I, Hank?
23:57 And hard.
23:59 It's all uphill from now on.
24:02 Yep. The wind's at your back, buddy. Merry Christmas.
24:10 Gah!
24:13 [Music]
24:20 [Music]
24:24 [Music]
24:27 [Music]
24:30 [Music]
24:55 Why do you keep calling me?