Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (camera shutter)
00:05 (bell ringing)
00:25 (upbeat music)
00:28 - Yep, I change my oil every 3,000 miles
00:39 or when I get bored, whichever comes first.
00:41 (laughing)
00:44 - I see London, I see France.
00:49 Told you Hank, London and France.
00:53 - Lady Bird, no, get out of my underwear.
00:57 - Well, I put those on her.
00:58 Lady Bird is in heat and we are out of doggie diapers.
01:01 - Peggy, how could you?
01:03 My old underwear, I don't even wear that anymore.
01:07 - Well, she wouldn't have to wear anything
01:08 if you spayed her or hired someone to do it.
01:11 - I can't have her spayed,
01:12 I'm gonna breed her one of these days.
01:15 - She's almost 13 years old.
01:18 - Well, you can't made a purebred bloodhound
01:21 with just any old dog.
01:23 That'd be throwing away seven generations
01:25 of the finest Georgia inbreeding.
01:27 - This could be Lady Bird's last heat.
01:30 If you don't do something and fast,
01:32 she is gonna spend the rest of her life
01:34 childless and lonely, soaking about the house
01:37 in soiled underwear like Bill.
01:39 (upbeat music)
01:43 - Get off of Sean, I'll wang him.
01:47 - Dang if he didn't keep going another mile or two.
01:52 - Ain't nothing keeps you sharp for deer season
01:55 like hunting humans.
01:56 (gunshot)
01:58 - Excuse me, I couldn't help reading your lips.
02:04 This hunting humans, do you need a license?
02:09 - This hat's my license.
02:11 Any man who skips out on his bail
02:14 can be hunted like an animal, although not eaten.
02:18 All you gotta do is sit through a four hour training course.
02:21 You're telling me there's a poorly trained
02:23 quasi legal police force that operates with few,
02:26 if any government controls.
02:28 It's about time.
02:33 (upbeat music)
02:35 - Boy, that's some mighty fine hounds
02:38 you got yourself there, Buck.
02:40 - That's right, champions, all of them,
02:43 except the deaf one.
02:45 - Yep, fine hounds.
02:51 - Mr. Strickland, there's something I'd like to ask you.
02:53 - Yeah, Hank, I'd love to give you a raise,
02:56 but the accountant department said,
02:57 Buck, stop letting the employees put your lemons in the vice.
03:01 - Donna said that?
03:03 - My hands are tied.
03:05 - Sir, this is about my lady bird.
03:09 I finally decided to breed her
03:11 and I was hoping one of your studs--
03:14 - Whee!
03:15 One of my boys finally gets to howdy ma'am the debutante.
03:20 - Well, you know my terms.
03:21 500 the first session, 400 each additional session,
03:24 and please, no flash photography.
03:27 (upbeat music)
03:31 - Okay, let's all shut up, please.
03:42 Now, we don't have much time, so let's get right to it.
03:49 In the next four hours, we'll find out
03:51 if you've got what it takes to wear this hat.
03:53 (upbeat music)
03:56 - Lady bird is gonna be a mommy.
04:04 Seems like just yesterday, mom and dad brought her home
04:07 for me, on account of me not having any brothers
04:10 and sisters to play with.
04:12 If I'd been old enough to be a mom,
04:14 I'd have been a good mom.
04:16 I'd have been a good mom to play with.
04:19 If I'd been old enough to talk,
04:21 I would have asked for a monkey.
04:23 But I guess things worked out okay.
04:26 (doorbell rings)
04:28 - That's them.
04:29 Is everything--
04:30 (sad music)
04:32 Lady bird hill, you're beautiful.
04:37 Luanne, take off her underwear.
04:40 (sad music)
04:43 (sighs)
04:46 - I'm honored you could share Lady bird's
04:48 special evening with us, Buck.
04:50 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's make some hound dog.
04:52 I'm late for a bachelor auction.
04:54 - Okay, you learned kicking down doors?
04:58 You learned mustaches, mailman suits, and other disguises?
05:02 Did we cover choke holes in pepper spray?
05:05 (laughs)
05:06 - Yes.
05:07 - Oh, good.
05:08 Take your seat.
05:09 (laughs)
05:10 Okay, you have 15 minutes to complete the ethics exam.
05:13 Good luck and try to remember what I taught you.
05:16 A, A, B, A, C.
05:21 (sad music)
05:24 Congratulations, class of Thursday, AM.
05:28 You may now call yourselves bounty hunters.
05:31 (sad music)
05:34 - Hello, Dr. Downs.
05:40 - Hey, Lady bird.
05:42 - Oh, this is my wife, Peggy.
05:47 - I take care of our son.
05:49 - So, what'll it be?
05:52 Flea dip, tartar scrape, worm shot?
05:55 - Not this week.
05:56 I finally let my little girl start dating
05:59 and I think she's in a family way.
06:02 - Oh, well, that's sweet.
06:05 Let me get a glove on and have a look-see.
06:10 - Ooh, this place gives me the deja vus.
06:14 It's just like when we were trying to get pregnant.
06:17 - Yeah, I remember.
06:19 So, doctor, is she gonna be a mommy?
06:26 - How do I say this without breaking your hearts?
06:29 No.
06:31 - Oh, God.
06:34 - Damn.
06:35 I have your test results.
06:39 - Peggy.
06:40 - I knew it, I'll never get pregnant.
06:42 What is wrong with me?
06:44 - Peggy, no, this is not your fault.
06:46 - He's right, Mrs. Hill.
06:48 There's no point in blaming yourself.
06:50 It's Hank's fault.
06:52 - What?
06:53 - You were born with a narrow urethra
06:55 and years of chronic tension have only made it worse.
06:58 I really don't think you'll ever have children.
07:01 - But, but that, that's impossible.
07:05 - The lab reports confirm it,
07:07 although I suspected as much
07:09 when it took you 30 minutes to produce a urine sample.
07:12 - Hey, you want it done quick or you want it done right?
07:15 - Hank, please calm down.
07:17 Your urethra will disappear.
07:19 Isn't there anything we can do?
07:22 - For starters, we can transition you to boxer shorts.
07:26 Or if that's unacceptable,
07:30 I can prescribe a specific series of sexual techniques.
07:33 - A series?
07:35 Are you suggesting I break the law?
07:37 - Oh Hank, please.
07:39 He is just trying to help us.
07:41 Yeah, I saw something on the news
07:44 about a procedure called in vitro fertilization.
07:48 They mix your boys with one of my ladies in a test tube.
07:51 Isn't that wonderful?
07:52 - No, it's terrible.
07:55 It's science run amok.
07:56 - Oh, Hank.
07:58 - It's perfectly safe, Mr. Hill.
08:00 They've tested it on animals.
08:02 - Couldn't we just try it?
08:03 - No, it's wrong on humans and it's wrong on animals.
08:08 - I'm sorry, Peggy.
08:09 I know you're disappointed,
08:11 but that's just how I was raised.
08:13 By my mother and father, not a test tube.
08:17 So, uh, is Lady Bird gonna be a mommy?
08:22 - Sorry, Hank.
08:24 - Mr. Strickland better refund our $500.
08:27 - I knew that stud was no good.
08:30 He wouldn't even look her in the eye.
08:32 - It ain't the stud's fault.
08:34 It's Lady Bird's.
08:36 I'm afraid she's got a narrow uterus.
08:39 - Oh, no.
08:40 So she can't have puppies?
08:43 - Well, stranger things have happened.
08:46 But no, she can't.
08:48 (dog barking)
08:56 - I know it hurts, Lady Bird.
09:00 I've been there myself.
09:02 I just wish I could scoop up your pain
09:04 in a little plastic bag and throw it out.
09:08 Hey, get off her!
09:11 Ah, forget it.
09:13 Knock yourself out.
09:15 - Buddy, no, down!
09:16 - I'm so sorry.
09:19 - Hey, it's all right.
09:21 No harm, no foul.
09:23 See, the thing is, my Lady Bird has a narrow uterus.
09:27 The vet said she will never know
09:29 the pleasures of motherhood.
09:31 In fact, I'm sorry, Hank.
09:33 - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to burden you.
09:35 - Oh, not at all.
09:36 We were in the same situation with Buddy's mother.
09:39 Turns out there's all sorts of things you can do.
09:42 - There are?
09:43 Like what?
09:44 - Diet, hormones, body work, surgery.
09:48 There's a whole world out there.
09:50 - Wow, I wanna know everything.
09:52 Do you and your brother have time to grab a beer?
09:55 - Sure.
09:59 I know just the place.
10:00 - It's all with a deadly weapon.
10:03 An attempted murder of a police officer
10:05 who's been on the run about two days.
10:06 - Me, right here, I'll take it.
10:09 Excuse me, I had my hand up first.
10:13 Why do you keep giving all the cases to these other guys?
10:16 - 'Cause they're experienced professional bounty hunters.
10:19 You're some diluted bug sprayer who took a four-hour course,
10:22 learned a few choke holds, and got a hat.
10:25 - Mm, you are familiar with my credentials,
10:28 yet you still refuse to give me a case?
10:32 - If it'll shut you up,
10:34 fugitive's name is James Jimmy Halstrom,
10:37 aka Jim Halstrom, wanted for unpaid parking tickets.
10:42 - The hunt is on.
10:44 - 100.7.
10:50 - Wow, it's hot in a dog's head.
10:54 (laughing)
10:55 - Oh, I love the bloopers.
10:57 The practical joke's not so much.
10:59 What are you doing?
11:01 - I'm charting Lady Bird's temperature.
11:03 I'm gonna pinpoint the exact perfect moment for her to mate.
11:07 - Give me that.
11:09 Hank, that thermometer's for company, you know that.
11:16 - But I was using it.
11:18 - Well, I don't see why.
11:20 The doctor said Lady Bird cannot get pregnant.
11:23 - I know, I know, but then I met some men,
11:26 we went to a bar, and before it all went horribly wrong,
11:31 they told me a bunch of things I can do
11:33 to get Lady Bird pregnant.
11:35 100.4, she's ready for a stud.
11:39 Peggy, quick, call Buck Strickland.
11:44 I put him on the speed dial.
11:46 Just press Peggy's mother.
11:48 - Arlen Florest.
11:55 I've got some long stem roses for Jimmy Halstrom.
11:59 (dog barking)
12:02 (tires screeching)
12:09 (bell dings)
12:17 (Hank giggles)
12:20 - What the H are you doing?
12:27 - It's called the Tellington Touch.
12:30 It's a body awareness technique.
12:32 All the top fertility experts swear by it.
12:35 - My grandmother quilted that blanket.
12:38 - Peggy, no.
12:40 I can't move her for two hours.
12:42 She just mated.
12:44 - Give me the freaking blanket.
12:45 - Thought you could outsmart me, did ya, Jay Halstrom?
12:55 (Hank giggles)
12:58 (tires screeching)
13:07 - Lady Bird.
13:13 - Hey, Bobby, come stand with me.
13:17 - Okay.
13:18 - You know, I just, I don't like to drink alone.
13:22 (Hank snores)
13:24 - So, how's school?
13:28 - Fine.
13:31 - That's nice.
13:32 Friends?
13:38 - Yeah.
13:39 - Huh.
13:40 - Uh, I gotta give Lady Bird her hormone biscuit.
13:47 - Let me see that.
13:51 - See, Lady Bird is gonna be a mommy
13:54 and we're gonna have a puppy again,
13:55 just like when I was one year old
13:57 and my parents got me Lady Bird.
14:00 - Boy, that sure is a cute story.
14:03 But you got it all wrong.
14:06 Your parents had that dog a whole year before you came along.
14:09 - What?
14:10 - Oh, yeah.
14:11 As I recall, your mama was having trouble getting pregnant
14:15 on account of your daddy's narrow doohickey,
14:18 and eventually, well, they just gave up
14:21 on ever having a child of their own
14:23 and they did the next best thing.
14:25 (gentle music)
14:29 - Oh, Hank.
14:33 Oh, Hank, thank you, she's perfect.
14:39 (Hank laughs)
14:43 (Lady Bird laughs)
14:48 (Hank sighs)
14:51 - Yeah.
14:53 (Hank laughs)
14:55 Yeah.
14:56 - Hey, hey, they gave up on having a child of their own,
15:01 but here I am, a child.
15:06 A child doesn't just come out of nowhere.
15:08 Mr. Dautreve, was I adopted?
15:14 - Well, I'll tell you, Bobby.
15:18 If you get me some more of these cookies.
15:20 - But those are dog hormone biscuits,
15:23 and that's the last one,
15:25 and they're from a special store,
15:27 and it's two miles away.
15:29 - Well, I'm sorry, Bobby, that's the deal.
15:31 (Bobby sighs)
15:33 (gentle music)
15:46 - Uh-huh, uh-huh, outstanding.
15:50 We'll take the next flight out.
15:52 No, God bless you, Doctor.
15:55 We did it, Peggy.
15:57 Lady Bird's been accepted
15:58 into an in vitro fertilization program up at Michigan State.
16:03 - In vitro?
16:04 What are you talking about?
16:05 - Test tube puppies.
16:07 They're using this new experimental fertility drug.
16:10 I figure if it's safe enough for humans in France,
16:13 it's probably safe enough for dogs in America.
16:16 - Hank Hill, if you are thinking of flying your dog
16:19 to Michigan to get her pregnant,
16:21 do not bother buying a round trip ticket.
16:23 - Relax, Peggy.
16:25 I don't have to buy anything.
16:27 Uh, can I have your frequent flyer number?
16:30 - But I need those miles
16:32 to get to my great aunt's funeral next year.
16:34 (gentle music)
16:36 Fine, go.
16:38 Just do not expect me to be here when you get back.
16:41 (phone rings)
16:45 - Mom, can I stay with you for a few...
16:47 Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.
16:50 - Great news, Lady Bird.
16:52 We're going to...
16:53 Oh my God.
16:55 (gentle music)
16:58 - Let's get one thing straight, Lady Bird.
17:01 You work for me.
17:03 (gentle music)
17:06 (gentle music)
17:12 (gentle music)
17:14 - Oh, you're still here.
17:20 - Lady Bird's gone.
17:22 - What happened?
17:23 - I don't know.
17:24 Maybe you left her pen open by mistake, of course,
17:28 and she ran away.
17:29 - You're blaming me?
17:31 I would have to be pretty passive-aggressive
17:33 to do something like that
17:35 and spit in your coffee every day for a week.
17:38 - Well, wait, wait a minute.
17:40 Receipt from Dale Gribble, bounty hunter.
17:44 Borrowed one dog, purpose, nabbed fugitive
17:48 at 27 Whistler Terrace,
17:50 signed Dale Gribble, bounty hunter.
17:53 Damn it, Dale!
17:54 (gentle music)
17:57 (dogs barking)
18:00 (tires screeching)
18:07 (dogs barking)
18:10 - Okay, Gribble, this is it.
18:18 Two days and four hours ago,
18:20 you were an untrained, untested know-hat.
18:23 Now look at ya.
18:25 (imitates gun firing)
18:28 (dog yelps)
18:31 (dogs barking)
18:35 (dog yelps)
18:37 Freeze, bounty hunter!
18:39 (dogs barking)
18:41 Freeze, bounty hunter!
18:48 (upbeat music)
18:51 Freeze!
19:02 Freeze!
19:03 Get!
19:05 - What do I want, left or right?
19:08 Ah, I wish Lady Bird were here.
19:10 She doesn't need a map.
19:12 - Well, that is it.
19:15 I am sick of you acting like you care more about that dog
19:19 than you do about me, your human wife.
19:22 - What?
19:23 I don't care more about, oh no, Lady Bird!
19:27 She's gonna dehydrate in there.
19:30 - Between this sun and the incredible airtight construction
19:34 of an American-made truck,
19:35 I'd say she's got about five minutes.
19:38 I'm going in.
19:39 - Are you loco?
19:41 As soon as you step foot out there,
19:43 those attack dogs will attack you to shreds.
19:45 I bet if I were stuck in the truck,
19:48 you would leave me there.
19:49 - Peggy, how would you ever get stuck in the truck?
19:53 - I don't know.
19:54 The handle could break off.
19:55 That's not the point.
19:57 All week, I have watched you jump through hoops
19:59 trying to get Lady Bird pregnant,
20:02 and you never jumped through any hoops for me.
20:05 - What are you talking about?
20:06 - Well, you never put a thermometer in my ear.
20:09 - Of course not.
20:10 Why would I?
20:11 - Oh, see?
20:12 You admit you love her more.
20:15 - That's crazy.
20:16 I didn't do all that thermometer stuff with you
20:19 'cause, you know, where's the romance?
20:23 With Lady Bird, it doesn't matter.
20:24 She's only a dog.
20:26 She's not my wife.
20:28 You're my wife.
20:29 - Well, I know.
20:30 It's just...
20:31 Well, sometimes a woman needs to hear it.
20:35 - Why would you be jealous of Lady Bird?
20:38 You don't want to get pregnant, do you?
20:43 - I don't know.
20:45 Maybe.
20:46 I think I'd rather have another baby right now
20:49 than another puppy.
20:51 - Me too.
20:54 That's why I've been trying to get Lady Bird pregnant.
20:58 - I don't know what those men in that bar told you,
21:00 but that is not how you have a baby.
21:03 - I know that, but...
21:05 Remember when we first got Lady Bird?
21:20 I always kind of believed that playing with that puppy
21:23 was the one thing that finally relaxed me in my ure...
21:28 Well, me, enough for us to have a baby.
21:34 I just thought if we had another puppy in the house, you know.
21:41 - Oh, hi.
21:44 Oh.
21:45 - Hang in there, Lady Bird.
21:49 Mama's coming.
21:51 - Easy, easy.
21:54 I'm cool, man.
21:59 Easy, easy.
22:02 - I'm not coming.
22:07 - Easy, easy.
22:10 I'm cool, man.
22:14 Easy, easy.
22:17 - Be careful, Hank.
22:25 Nine times out of ten, they go right for the crotch.
22:28 And I see ten dogs out there.
22:31 - Come on, girl.
22:35 Come on.
22:37 It's all right.
22:38 Shake hands.
22:39 Shake hands.
22:40 That's it.
22:41 Everything's fine.
22:42 - No!
22:43 - Oh, no.
22:44 - Oh, no.
22:45 - Oh, no.
22:46 - Why are your arms shaking, Mr. Bounty Hunter, if that is your real name?
22:53 Getting tired?
22:55 - Yes, very tired.
22:58 - Nice hat.
23:01 Back at ya.
23:06 - Jump, Lady Bird, jump.
23:09 Good girl.
23:11 - Okay, let's get the hell out of here.
23:15 Seat belts, please.
23:17 - No!
23:18 - Here you go, Mr. Dautreve.
23:25 - It's only eight?
23:28 - Those cost $26.
23:31 - Okay, Bobby.
23:34 Ask your question.
23:37 - Mr. Dautreve, am I adopted?
23:43 - No.
23:45 - Now, I'll tell you your middle name if you get me a glass of milk.
23:52 - Okay.
23:55 - Oh.
23:58 - Oh.
24:01 - Oh.
24:04 (laughs)
24:06 (kissing)
24:09 ( wrecking ball sound )
24:10 ( music begins )
24:21 ( get . Evil ' heart beating )
24:23 ( el Armed Rapist crime sound effect )
24:26 ( music continues )
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24:52 More SpaghettiOs?
24:54 [BLANK_AUDIO]