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00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (bell ringing)
00:23 (upbeat music)
00:28 (upbeat music)
00:30 (gentle music)
00:35 - Here you go, Shug.
00:44 Two Shugs, right?
00:47 - Uh-huh.
00:48 - They asked me to be the celebrity judge
00:51 at the Mrs. Heimlich County Beauty Pageant next week.
00:55 - Mrs.?
00:56 - Wait, do any women mature enough to have a family
00:59 really go in for that nonsense?
01:01 - That nonsense, Shug, changed my life.
01:04 It's what got me into television
01:05 and into hundreds of homes every night as a weather analyst.
01:08 And you'd be surprised at the top-notch prizes
01:11 at the Mrs. Heimlich.
01:13 - Bath beads?
01:14 - Try a year's lease on a brand new
01:15 Chevy Silverado LTK 1500 pickup truck
01:19 with a super cabin 270 horsepower, 5.3 liter Vortec V8.
01:25 - I want that truck.
01:27 Hank, do you think I could win
01:30 the Mrs. Heimlich pageant if I entered?
01:32 - You see, Peggy, that's what you call a loaded question.
01:38 No matter how I answer, there's a bullet in every chamber
01:42 designed to blow my brains out.
01:44 - Hank, do you think I can win?
01:47 - Well, I think you're beautiful and smart
01:54 and you don't need to enter some pageant to prove it.
01:58 - Huh, you don't think I can win, do you?
02:01 - I didn't say, I just don't think you're the pageant type.
02:06 - Really?
02:08 Well, let's see.
02:09 All you have to be is married and over 23.
02:13 Well, I've got that covered.
02:14 So how would we rate me?
02:16 I would say face, A minus.
02:21 Body, B plus.
02:23 Personality, A plus.
02:26 And brains, A plus.
02:29 So with my smarts and looks and mucho talentos,
02:33 well, I think I have a huge edge over these bimbos, huh, Hank?
02:36 I'm gonna enter.
02:38 The grand prize is a truck.
02:40 - I have a truck.
02:41 - But I don't.
02:42 - You have a car.
02:44 - Hank, a car is fine, but a truck is a force.
02:48 - True.
02:50 (screams)
02:52 I can't believe I'm going to be
02:54 an actual beauty pageant stylist.
02:56 Oh, I already have some ideas for styling you.
03:02 - I've always wondered what would happen
03:04 if you let your hair dry naturally.
03:06 - Okay, let's not go crazy, Luanne.
03:09 Remember, we're working together
03:11 to make the best Peggy Hill possible.
03:14 Personally, I think a little lipstick
03:16 and a pair of nice earrings will win that truck.
03:19 - That's a good-looking truck, Hank.
03:23 - Yeah, man, we're talking about him down with 207 horsepower,
03:25 man, a little skid plate, and a Z71 off-road suspension,
03:28 man, a little down with a 7k5, man.
03:32 Dang.
03:33 - Yeah, all Peggy's gotta do to get that truck
03:36 is to win the Mrs. Heimlich County Pageant.
03:39 - Yep.
03:46 Yep.
03:48 - That's right, yep.
03:49 - Peggy's gonna win.
03:51 She's every man's fantasy.
03:54 - Okay, Bill, I'll take over from here.
03:56 - I mean, she's got an A-plus brain and an A-minus body,
04:00 but if she wears one of them push-up brassieres--
04:02 - Bill!
04:04 - She'll have a body that just won't quit.
04:06 You like that truck, don't you?
04:12 Would you like to take it for a test drive?
04:14 - Well, I would not say no.
04:16 (engine revving)
04:18 - Now here's something a pretty lady like yourself
04:21 will appreciate, a driver's side vanity mirror.
04:25 - Mm, I do look good in this truck.
04:28 - So, what's it gonna take for you to buy this truck today?
04:33 - Oh, I'm not planning on buying it.
04:36 I'm planning on winning it in a beauty contest.
04:39 - Test drive's over.
04:40 (classical music)
04:44 (classical music)
04:46 - Excuse me, y'all, before we get started,
04:52 if there is anybody here not connected to the pageant,
04:56 could you please leave now?
04:58 (Bill grunting)
05:02 I'd like to welcome you all
05:09 to the Mrs. Heimlich County Beauty Pageant.
05:13 In a couple of minutes, you'll get the chance
05:15 to meet your fellow contestants,
05:16 but before you do, the reigning Mrs. Heimlich,
05:21 Kathy Shears, would like to say a few words.
05:24 (audience applauding)
05:27 - What a long, strange, beautiful trip it's been.
05:34 And next week, I will add the word sad to that list
05:37 because I will be handing over this crown
05:40 to the new Mrs. Heimlich County.
05:42 Peggy Hill.
05:43 - Well, hello, I'm Peggy Hill.
05:49 - Oh, hi, I'm Helen Pell.
05:52 So, what does Peggy Hill do
05:55 when she's not competing in a beauty pageant?
05:57 - Well, I'm a substitute teacher
05:59 at Tom Landry Middle School.
06:01 - Oh, really?
06:02 I teach sciences full-time over at the high school.
06:06 What do you teach?
06:07 - Espanol.
06:08 - I had my second honeymoon in Spain.
06:10 Have you ever gone?
06:12 - No, but it's because I choose not to.
06:14 - You should go, you'll love it.
06:17 I practically lived there for a couple of months
06:19 after I graduated from college.
06:22 That's where I met my husband, the engineer.
06:25 - The kind that drives a train?
06:27 (Helen laughing)
06:29 - Oh, I'm gonna have to look out for you.
06:31 You're very congenial.
06:34 (upbeat music)
06:36 - Oh, really?
06:37 You know that there are three other contestants
06:39 who teach as well?
06:40 - Yes, yes, I know.
06:41 I met them already.
06:43 And I suppose you're what, a biochemist or something?
06:46 - Oh, no, no, no.
06:48 I'm a stay-at-home mother.
06:50 But I have seven kids,
06:51 so that's a full-time job in and of itself.
06:54 - Do you have any children?
06:56 - Eight.
06:56 No, I only have one.
06:59 (upbeat music)
07:01 - Well, right now I'm majoring in philosophy
07:04 and classical music.
07:05 - Oh, how nice for you.
07:07 Well, that'll get you a job in a factory
07:08 when you get out of college.
07:09 (Helen laughing)
07:11 - That's what my mom says, too.
07:13 (Helen laughing)
07:15 - You do know you have to be 23 years or older
07:18 to be in this pageant?
07:19 - I am 23.
07:21 - Do you have any children?
07:23 - No, I'm concentrating on my--
07:25 - Oh, oh, well, I have one.
07:27 Anyway, nice meeting you.
07:29 Good luck in the pageant.
07:30 (upbeat music)
07:34 (people chattering)
07:40 (Helen laughing)
07:42 - Isn't this excitement, Peggy?
07:47 Everyone's so nice.
07:49 Mrs. Heimlich County let me try on her crown and sash.
07:54 Did you know she could play the lap steel guitar?
07:56 And she only has 9% body fat, and it's all in her breasts.
08:00 (gentle music)
08:03 (people chattering)
08:06 (gentle music)
08:12 (Helen laughing)
08:19 - Little Bobby Hill, you rascal, you.
08:23 - Mm, that's when you used to put your food everywhere
08:26 but in your mouth.
08:27 - I was young.
08:28 I didn't know any better.
08:30 - Oh, I haven't seen this photo in such a long time.
08:34 - Who's that kissing dad?
08:36 - Well, that's me, honey.
08:37 - Really?
08:38 You were beautiful.
08:40 - Were?
08:41 Oh, Bobby, I still am.
08:43 - Okay.
08:46 - Bobby, don't you see?
08:47 When you look at me now,
08:48 you can't see somebody who's beautiful.
08:50 You just see a mother.
08:52 - I don't know.
08:53 I think Connie's mom is beautiful.
08:56 And Mrs. Grandma.
08:57 - All right, all right.
08:58 - Hey, there's me standing next
09:00 to the world's largest road runner.
09:02 - Are you still having those nightmares
09:04 where he pecks out your eyes?
09:06 - I forgot about those.
09:08 - Good.
09:09 (gentle music)
09:12 (Helen moaning)
09:19 - Peggy, are you all right?
09:23 - Hank, I can't sleep.
09:28 (glass shattering)
09:30 - Boy, Peggy and Lacey certainly have aged horribly.
09:33 Hank, do you think I'll turn into one of those women
09:37 you see at the Megalomart who wears white stretched pants
09:40 and doesn't tuck in her shirt anymore?
09:42 - Not for many, many years.
09:46 - Oh, so you've thought about this.
09:49 (Hank sighing)
09:50 - Oh, no, not my eyes!
09:52 - I thought he stopped having those nightmares.
09:58 (gentle music)
10:00 - Come on in, ladies.
10:01 Take a load off.
10:03 - Thanks.
10:04 - Well, I don't believe I've had the pleasure
10:06 of meeting this little filly before.
10:08 - Well, yes, yes, you have.
10:10 - Mm-hmm.
10:11 Your daughter?
10:11 - No, she's my niece, Louann.
10:14 - Oh, well, there you go, darling.
10:17 - Oh, thank you.
10:20 - Now, what can old Buck Strickland do for you?
10:23 You said you had some kind of business proposition, did you?
10:27 - Mr. Strickland, a beauty pageant
10:29 can be a good promotional opportunity
10:32 for both the beauty contestant
10:34 and for the business who sponsors the contest.
10:36 - I say no more, I'll do it.
10:38 How much do you need?
10:39 - Well, there's the new tennis outfit,
10:42 makeup, new dress, hair.
10:45 We figured around $2,000.
10:49 - Mm-hmm.
10:50 - Debbie, wrap me up a company check for $2,000.
10:54 - Right away, Buck!
10:55 - Oh, thank you, Mr. Strickland.
10:57 I guarantee you that I will win that Mrs. Heimlich pageant.
11:01 I will not let you down as my sponsor.
11:03 - Yeah.
11:04 What, Mrs.?
11:09 What the hell is she doing here?
11:10 - She is my stylist,
11:12 and like yourself, a big part of Team Peggy Hill.
11:15 - Debbie, did you finish writing up that check?
11:17 - Yes, Buck!
11:18 - Oh, sh...
11:20 Oh.
11:21 ♪ You say what I want, what I really, really want ♪
11:24 ♪ No, tell me what you want, what you really, really want ♪
11:26 ♪ I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want ♪
11:29 ♪ No, tell me what you want, what you really, really want ♪
11:31 ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
11:34 ♪ If you wanna be my lover ♪
11:38 - Terrific, girls!
11:40 Mrs. Hill, that was awful!
11:42 We're gonna go again,
11:44 and this time I want Mrs. Hill
11:45 to sit this one out and watch me.
11:48 Raymond, hold my cane.
11:53 - Ah, Nancy, in the words of Billy Crystal,
11:56 you look wonderful!
11:58 - Thanks, Suge.
11:59 Oh, by the way, I was so excited to hear
12:01 that you entered the pageant.
12:03 - Really?
12:03 Oh, thank you.
12:05 Well, maybe this year you and I
12:06 can shake things up a little bit at the Mrs.
12:09 - Shake things up how?
12:11 - Well, you know, every year,
12:13 they pick the same type of woman to win.
12:15 Skinny, big hair, bleach blonde.
12:18 - You mean women like me?
12:19 - Oh, your hair is not bleached.
12:22 - Is it?
12:23 - What type of woman do you think
12:25 should win the pageant, Peggy?
12:27 - Well, I'm not a judge, but,
12:29 well, a married woman, of course.
12:31 Not just a wife, but a partner.
12:33 Definitely a mother.
12:35 Someone who is distinguished by her brain size,
12:38 not her bra size.
12:39 - Women like you?
12:41 - Well, you said it, I didn't.
12:43 But, yes.
12:44 - I think women like you shouldn't be in a pageant
12:47 if you're not prepared to be judged by women like me.
12:51 (piano music)
12:53 - We could have shook things up, you and me!
12:55 - Hmm.
12:58 - Oh, don't you look smart?
13:08 - Luann, I think I want to put some highlights in my hair.
13:13 - Oh.
13:15 - You don't think that's a good idea?
13:17 - No, it's a good idea.
13:19 It's just that highlights was a two-part class
13:23 and I missed both parts.
13:26 (upbeat music)
13:29 - Hey, Bozo!
13:33 Where your clown car, Peggy, here?
13:36 Hey, you look like Dorado McDonald, you Bozo Peggy, here.
13:42 (tires screeching)
13:44 Sheesh, she's so stuck up.
13:47 Not even say hello.
13:49 (sighs)
13:50 - You think your missus will like it?
13:52 - Yes, sir.
13:53 - Well, I hope so.
13:55 This is the most I've spent on a woman
13:57 without getting anything in return,
13:59 if you know what I mean.
14:00 - Ah, don't worry about it, Buck.
14:03 You've backed a winner.
14:06 - She could have smiled at least.
14:07 - She is smiling.
14:10 - If I order by eight o'clock tonight,
14:15 I can have my stretch pants by tomorrow at noon.
14:18 - I could be in them by one.
14:20 - Peggy, why don't you just wait a week
14:23 and we can drive over to the Megalo Mart
14:25 and get 'em in your new truck, huh?
14:27 - Yeah, right, my new truck.
14:30 (laughs)
14:32 - Stop worrying.
14:34 You've got those fancy stripes in your hair.
14:38 Plus, your best friend Nancy's a judge.
14:41 - Well, Nancy and I are not talking right now.
14:44 - Oh, well, then we just won't let her ride
14:48 in our new truck, will we?
14:50 (laughs)
14:52 (sighs)
14:59 Okay.
15:00 Hey, Dale, Peggy baked some extra brownies
15:04 and we thought, you know who might enjoy these?
15:07 The gribbles.
15:08 So here you go.
15:09 - Okay.
15:12 Oh, and I'm done using my ratchet set
15:15 if you wanna borrow it.
15:16 - You mean if I wanna keep it?
15:20 - Borrow it, Dale.
15:21 - Just a little reminder, Hank,
15:23 my wife is the judge of your wife's beauty pageant.
15:28 Keep it?
15:29 - Borrow it or I'll step over this hedge
15:31 and kick your ass.
15:33 - Keep it?
15:34 (yells)
15:36 - Oh, hi.
15:39 - Hello.
15:41 - Excuse me, but I think you've made a mistake.
15:45 You're teasing the wrong contestant's hair.
15:49 It's okay, it happened to me yesterday.
15:52 - Luann, honey, sit down for a second, please.
15:55 Now, you are an excellent, excellent amateur stylist,
16:00 but this is a professional beauty pageant.
16:04 - No, it's an amateur beauty pageant, Aunt Peggy.
16:09 - See, Luann, amateur attitude, amateur performance.
16:13 That's why I've hired a professional.
16:15 This is Marcy Shuet, stylist to three pageant winners.
16:20 - Oh my God, you're firing me as your stylist.
16:26 - No, you will still be a very important part
16:29 of Team Peggy Hill, but in a much, much smaller capacity.
16:34 (whines)
16:36 Luann!
16:37 - See, that's the amateur attitude
16:39 I was talking about earlier.
16:41 - All right, all right, let me get a look at you.
16:44 Okay, now turn around.
16:47 - Can you save this?
16:53 - This will be my greatest challenge yet.
16:57 - And the winner of the Mrs. Honlick County
17:03 Beauty Pageant, Peggy Hill.
17:07 (gasps)
17:09 - So, what do you think?
17:11 (barking)
17:15 - Whoa, Mom, you look like you could star
17:24 in a headache commercial.
17:26 - Lady Bird, Lady Bird, stop barking, it's me, it's Peggy.
17:31 Hank, you haven't said anything.
17:35 - Uh, you look, uh, Bobby, will you please
17:39 take Lady Bird outside?
17:41 Uh, gee, look at you.
17:47 Yeah, I'd kiss you, but it'd feel like I was cheating
17:52 on you with another woman if I did.
17:54 - Well, now's your chance to cheat on me, Hank.
17:58 I promise, I won't tell Peggy.
18:03 - Uh, there, boy, look at me, I'm having an affair.
18:08 (dramatic music)
18:12 ♪ Ever since you deployed and you've been in this noise ♪
18:21 ♪ And we're looking at nothing all day ♪
18:24 ♪ And you've been taking care of business every day ♪
18:29 ♪ Taking care of business in every way ♪
18:33 ♪ Taking care of business, it's all right ♪
18:38 ♪ Taking care of business, working overtime, workout ♪
18:43 (humming)
18:45 (yawning)
18:51 - You were so right about the eyeliner.
18:57 Oh, God, what was I thinking?
18:59 Dang, I wish we had a picture of you
19:01 looking this good for the flyer.
19:03 - Spilt milk, spilt milk.
19:04 - Yeah.
19:05 - Did you get the brownies I baked for you
19:11 as a friend, Nancy?
19:12 - Yes, I did, Mrs. Hill.
19:14 Shall we proceed?
19:16 We're running a little behind schedule.
19:18 - It says here in your application that you speak Spanish.
19:23 - Mm-hmm, si, absolutamente.
19:25 (speaking in foreign language)
19:29 - Peggy Hill, (speaking in foreign language)
19:37 - Si?
19:48 Si, amigo?
19:53 (humming)
19:55 - Luann, I just spent two hours
20:14 picking one of Peggy's shoes out of that disposal.
20:17 I'm beginning to think it wasn't an accident.
20:19 - Uh, why aren't you at the pageant?
20:23 - Peggy went with Buck Strickland.
20:25 I'm going a little later.
20:26 - Did she fire you, too?
20:29 'Cause you know she fired me.
20:31 - Now, I heard you were still an important part
20:34 of Team Peggy Hill.
20:35 (snorting)
20:37 I know you're feeling a little miffed,
20:41 but you have to understand,
20:42 your aunt has always had a lot of confidence
20:45 about her looks, which is good.
20:47 But now she's got herself in kind of a bind.
20:50 She's either got to admit to herself
20:52 she can't win the truck and quit,
20:55 or stay in the pageant and, well, probably lose.
20:59 Either way, it's gonna hurt.
21:01 - Well, I guess I should feel bad for her,
21:06 but I don't.
21:08 (sighing)
21:10 (dramatic music)
21:15 - Well, this won't work.
21:16 I cannot go out there like this.
21:18 - Is there something wrong?
21:19 - Yes, all of a sudden my butt looks like
21:22 it's dragging on the floor.
21:23 Will you fix it?
21:24 Fix it!
21:25 - Hmm.
21:26 - Do you have any duct tape, Mrs. Hill?
21:28 - I used it all on my feet.
21:31 - Mr. Strickland?
21:32 - Yeah?
21:33 - We need duct tape.
21:34 - Silver or gray?
21:35 - Silver.
21:36 - All purpose or premium grade?
21:38 Ah, what the hell, I'm already in this for two grand.
21:40 What's another 90 cents?
21:42 - Tighter?
21:45 - Yeah.
21:46 - Come on.
21:47 (gasping)
21:48 - Ladies to the stage.
21:50 Come on now, let's go, y'all.
21:52 - Where's my half jacket?
21:54 I need my half jacket.
21:56 That's what makes this an ensemble, the half jacket.
21:59 (dramatic music)
22:02 (grunting)
22:05 (laughing)
22:09 Oh, come on, Peggy.
22:16 You know how to put on a jacket.
22:19 (grunting)
22:21 - Magic contestants across the street.
22:24 Come on, girls, hurry.
22:26 Watch your step.
22:27 - Okay.
22:30 No!
22:32 Well, I guess this wasn't premium, you cheap bastard.
22:38 Helen, by any chance, do you have any spare tape?
22:47 - My ass has come loose.
22:49 I'm sure it's just the humidity.
22:51 - Peggy, I've got to go inside.
22:54 - I also think I should tell you
22:55 that you forgot to put on your shoes.
22:58 (gasping)
23:01 - Oh no, no, no.
23:05 This is not good.
23:07 (gasping)
23:15 (dramatic music)
23:17 - Like the truck?
23:22 - Hank?
23:22 What are you doing?
23:25 - Well, I figured since you were only doing this
23:29 for the truck, I'd save you the trouble.
23:31 - Honey, you bought us a new truck?
23:34 - No, I painted my old one.
23:36 - Well, she's beautiful.
23:43 - Yeah, but she was before.
23:45 Are those new shoes?
23:54 'Cause I like 'em.
23:57 (gentle music)
24:04 (engine revving)
24:07 - I'm glad you let me dye your hair
24:23 back to its normal color, Aunt Peggy.
24:25 - Well, even if you don't look weird, that is okay too.
24:28 - Okay, here it goes.
24:31 (gasping)
24:33 - Oh no.
24:35 - Oh, don't you worry, Luanne.
24:36 We will get this right soon enough, huh?
24:39 (laughing)
24:47 (humming)
24:50 (humming)
24:55 *laughs*