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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [Music]
00:07 [Music]
00:14 [Music]
00:21 [Music]
00:28 [Music]
00:35 [Music]
00:42 [Music]
00:47 Okay Dale, hop on up.
00:49 I don't know, looks like he died with his tongue sticking out.
00:54 Let me try again, I can look deader.
00:57 No way man, dead is dead, man.
00:59 It's getting old, I'm sitting up there,
01:00 harnessed into a dang old wedgie city up here, man.
01:04 Well, it's a small price to pay, Boom Hauer.
01:07 I'm the general contractor of the school's haunted house,
01:10 and it's my responsibility to bring this job in on time,
01:14 under budget, and over scary.
01:17 You know it's damnedest thing.
01:19 I got myself a wedgie too.
01:22 Hank, dinner time.
01:24 I am stirring in the cheese powder.
01:26 Okay.
01:28 Hey, peg leg, can you come out here and give me a hand?
01:32 What is it honey, I'm right in the middle of...
01:34 [Screams]
01:35 [Laughter]
01:39 Gotcha.
01:40 Oh you, oh, back to the sticky, you're off of my life I think.
01:43 I'm gonna scare the pants off those kids, I tell you what.
01:47 I want Bobby to have the perfect Halloween,
01:51 the kind I had when I was a boy.
01:54 [Music]
02:04 Trick or treat.
02:06 Oh my, are you boys the scariest.
02:08 Yeah, man, talk about wah ha ha ha ha ha, dang old boo, man.
02:14 You got any candy cigarettes?
02:16 No, but I have chocolate.
02:21 Happy Halloween.
02:24 Only one.
02:26 [Music]
02:31 Oh, dang.
02:33 [Music]
02:38 Come on, push it over, knock it down, quick.
02:41 Okay, Dale's house is next.
02:44 I think I'll go call my mom.
02:50 You want to come with us?
02:52 Megalomart is running a Halloween special.
02:54 If you buy two rubber masks, they will punch out the nostril holes for free.
02:58 Oh, sorry, I gotta go to my youth fellowship meeting.
03:02 We're going to deliver a hot meal to old people and then blow on it.
03:09 Maybe I can be a Dalmatian.
03:12 Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary.
03:15 How's a Dalmatian scary?
03:17 They can bite you.
03:19 Mm-hmm, and nine times out of ten, they go right for the groin.
03:24 Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts?
03:28 Elmo, Aladdin, Jenny McCarthy, I don't even know what these things are.
03:38 I'd like to introduce our guest speaker.
03:40 She's a new member of our church who has made herself known in a very short time
03:45 through a series of gutsy letters, complaints, and threats, Miss Junie Harper.
03:53 Thank you.
03:55 Why don't we just start things off with a little quiz?
03:58 I hope it's open Bible.
04:01 Who can tell me what this is?
04:04 It's a witch.
04:05 Very good. What's your name?
04:07 Luann Flatter.
04:09 Luann, you answered that so fast.
04:13 Do you know any witches yourself?
04:15 Witches aren't real.
04:17 Yes, they are, but they even have their own holiday.
04:20 Who knows what October holiday is associated with witches, goblins, and Satanists?
04:30 Halloween?
04:31 Smart, smart, smart.
04:33 Oh, this girl is very, very smart.
04:37 Thank you for noticing.
04:41 Well, we still need a costume for Bobby, but at least we got our treats.
04:46 Eatwells, sugar-free low-fat fun bars.
04:50 Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters.
04:53 It's for diabetics.
04:55 Well, I'm not going to gain 10 pounds like I did last year.
04:57 So don't eat it. Just leave it there.
05:00 No one said you could touch my candy anyway.
05:04 The ancient druids celebrated Halloween by eating babies by the light of their jack-o'-lanterns.
05:11 And then they danced.
05:18 Boy, I'm sure glad your grandma kept my old costume.
05:22 You know, I used to have a laugh that went along with this.
05:26 Try it with me, son.
05:28 [laughing]
05:34 Scary?
05:36 Uh, it was disturbing.
05:39 Oh, go ahead and get it, Peggy. I have terrible news.
05:42 Halloween is a satanic holiday. It was invented by the Druids.
05:46 No, honey, not Druids. The Druids.
05:49 Where did you hear that garbage?
05:51 It's the truth. Trick-or-treating is devil worship.
05:55 Judy Hopper says so.
05:57 No, Ann, Halloween is just good, clean fun. It's got nothing to do with the devil.
06:03 Now, I don't want to hear any more of your foolishness.
06:06 Oh.
06:09 Well, what is wrong with you?
06:11 She just put some exciting new thing in her braid, and all she wanted to do was show it to us.
06:19 Anyway, pretty kitty.
06:21 So, you told him about the Druids and the candy corn, and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun?
06:26 Uh-huh. I felt so stupid.
06:29 Oh, no. First of all, in the eyes of the Lord, you're a genius.
06:33 The devil likes to fool you into thinking you're stupid because it makes it easier for him to trick you.
06:39 But if you think you're smart, you can resist him. Do you see what I'm saying?
06:44 I'm not sure.
06:45 Satan, be gone!
06:47 Now you see?
06:48 Yes. These days, Satan's getting very popular.
06:52 That's why this Halloween, I'm sponsoring a Hallelujah house.
06:56 Oh, what's that?
06:58 It's a wretched alternative to those wicked haunted houses.
07:01 Oh, no. Uncle Hank is running a haunted house down at Bobby's school.
07:07 The school? Tell me more.
07:12 Let's get the rise and run of this trough right. I don't want my blood rushing to my severed head.
07:20 Hey, Principal Moss.
07:21 Hello, Hank. Mr. Gribble, this is the school. You gotta take that cigarette outside.
07:26 Yes, sir. Jackass says what?
07:29 What?
07:30 [laughs]
07:32 Hmm. Hank, you know Mrs. Junie Harper. She has some concerns.
07:38 Apparently, some people consider Halloween a religious holiday.
07:42 So?
07:43 So, our Constitution guarantees a separation of church and state.
07:49 Mrs. Harper has a point. And an attorney.
07:54 What's the skeleton for? Planning to read fortunes with a casting of bones?
07:59 No.
08:00 And what's that? A witch? That has got to go.
08:04 I'm not taking out any of this stuff. I want those kids to have a real scary Halloween.
08:10 You know, I'm starting to feel like the whole idea of a house of horrors is wrong.
08:16 Oh, we could make it a house of pancakes.
08:20 I'm just brainstorming here.
08:24 Shut up, Bill. Look, we either do this haunted house the right way, or I'm not doing it at all. Now, what's it gonna be?
08:33 Hank, we can't afford another lawsuit. We blew our budget fighting wheelchair ramps and left-handed scissors.
08:40 So that's how it is, huh? Boomhauer, grab Hagatha. There's only room for one witch in here.
08:48 I don't know. Kids sure do love pancakes.
09:04 Next year, Bobby's gonna be a teenager. It's our last Halloween together, and Junie Harper ruined it.
09:11 You know, there's nothing in the Constitution about separation of church and garage. Why don't you make a haunted garage?
09:19 Yeah, I guess I could do that.
09:21 Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank. You could go to hell.
09:25 See, Junie Harper says a haunted house is the devil's mousetrap, and fun is the cheese.
09:32 Luanne, just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.
09:37 Junie says I'm smart, so don't try and trick me into thinking I'm not.
09:41 Now, hold on. Luanne is not stupid, and neither is Hank's idea for a haunted house.
09:47 So, you can have your haunted garage, and you can be smart.
09:51 But Junie Harper says...
09:52 Junie Harper says, Junie Harper says, last time I checked, it wasn't Junie Harper's face in the stained glass window at Arlen First Methodist.
10:02 Bobby, next Halloween, you're gonna be too old to dress up and get candy.
10:08 What?
10:09 Now, don't panic. Treats are only half of trick-or-treat. It's time you learned to give as well as receive.
10:18 You're not gonna throw that, are you?
10:20 Bobby, of course I am. It's a sign of respect. Hey, you know who could use a little respect right now? Dale.
10:29 Joshua!
10:31 Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, Joshua! Joshua!
10:35 You know, I'm suddenly reminded of a Bible quote. "Do unto others."
10:45 I don't know, Dad. This is vandalism, and vandalism isn't cool.
10:52 Bobby, that attitude is a little immature. Now, come on.
10:57 You gotta have backspin, son. Like this.
11:08 I am not afraid of you Satanists!
11:12 Come on, boy!
11:14 I'm not afraid. I won't be afraid. I'll stand up to all of you.
11:18 I'm not afraid. I won't be afraid. I'll stand up to all of you.
11:33 [PANTING]
11:35 It's the fuzz!
11:54 Quick, ditch the evidence!
12:00 [SCREAMING]
12:04 Well, there must be some mistake. My Bobby?
12:08 Son, did you pay Mrs. Harper a little visit tonight?
12:12 Yes. Bobby!
12:16 Now, don't jump all over the boy. The truth is, this is my fault.
12:20 Well, of course it is. His antisocial behavior is the result of your whole family's anti-Christian values.
12:27 You hold it right there, Jeannie Harper. You are out of order.
12:31 I go to church, too, and I have raffled and bingoed and bank-sailed my way as close to the good Lord as you.
12:38 So do not try to one-up me, because I will one-up yours.
12:42 The complacency of fools will destroy them. Proverbs.
12:46 Get out of my house! Exodus!
12:50 You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like your old man.
12:55 [CHUCKLES]
12:57 And I'm very disappointed in you.
13:01 [MUSIC]
13:21 I'll never use toilet paper in anger again.
13:26 Are you all right? I didn't hear the TV on.
13:29 I grounded myself. I don't deserve to watch TV after what I did last night.
13:35 It's not your fault. It's Uncle Hank's fault.
13:39 He's a Satanist, Bobby.
13:43 Oh, come on, Lou Anne. That's the craziest thing I ever heard.
13:46 It's true.
13:48 Oh, dang.
13:49 That's why Uncle Hank's mentioned my ideas about Halloween.
13:53 The devil doesn't want you to know the truth.
13:56 Did your father ever make you drink blood?
13:59 He made me eat liver once.
14:01 That is called a recovered memory.
14:04 Think, Bobby. What else can you remember?
14:07 Hmm.
14:08 Where are the vampires and monsters and ghosts?
14:12 You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like your old man.
14:17 It's just liver. It's not gonna kill you.
14:20 [LAUGHTER]
14:24 Oh, dang.
14:26 The vandalism upon my house can only be described as a hate crime.
14:33 Somebody hates me.
14:35 Let the record show that somebody hates Dale Dribble.
14:38 Last night, my house was also attacked by Satanists.
14:44 Ms. Harper, what evidence do you have of that?
14:46 What evidence?
14:48 How is this for evidence?
14:51 [GROANING]
14:53 Oh, God.
14:54 Oh, Kitty.
14:55 Well, I think it is perfect.
14:57 Although, I still think Hank Hack works just as well.
15:01 Yes! Halloween is canceled.
15:04 I just got off the phone with Mrs. Junie Harper,
15:07 and she said that the city council passed a curfew 'cause the Satanists made her run over her cat.
15:12 What about the trick-or-treaters?
15:14 Oh, there won't be any trick-or-treaters.
15:17 See, Uncle Hank? You said I was wrong, but now everyone agrees with me.
15:22 Nobody agrees with you.
15:24 You agree with everybody else.
15:26 You agree with any idiot who says anything.
15:29 Stop attacking her, Hank.
15:31 Lou Anne didn't cancel Halloween.
15:33 Junie Harper did.
15:35 Well, I don't care what she does.
15:36 Tomorrow night, I'm gonna teach Bobby the true meaning of Halloween come hell or high water.
15:43 My dad sure wants me to be at that haunted house.
15:48 The last time he wanted me to be somewhere so bad, I woke up without tonsils.
15:54 Well, this time, he may be after you, so...
15:59 I'm scared, Lou Anne.
16:01 I can't help you, Bobby, but I know who can.
16:06 [MUSIC]
16:08 Mrs. Junie Harper.
16:10 [MUSIC]
16:14 [MUSIC]
16:33 Thanks for helping me get away.
16:35 I heard Satan is like my dad, always sacrifice virgins, so we both better be careful.
16:43 Oh.
16:44 Hmm.
16:45 Where is everybody? I can't believe they're staying home because of a curfew.
16:57 And where the heck is Bobby?
16:59 He's still out with Lou Anne.
17:01 I sent him to the store for more high C.
17:03 Now, I guess that was a fool's errand.
17:05 Isn't there one person in this town with the courage to celebrate Halloween?
17:15 Hank, while you're out there, turn off my hose.
17:19 First of all, I'd like to say "Halo" to everybody.
17:24 Now, follow me, children.
17:26 No pushing. He who is last shall be first.
17:29 [MUSIC]
17:33 Oh, what have we here?
17:35 It's a young, unmarried couple who are about to let their hormones get the best of them.
17:41 Uh-oh.
17:45 I guess the old saying is true.
17:48 Sex kills.
17:50 [MUSIC]
17:54 Dinner's ready. Where's Grandpa?
17:57 [GROANING]
18:01 Oh, that's your Grandpa?
18:04 Haven't you heard? Our ancestors are monkeys.
18:07 [GROANING]
18:11 Oh, no. He's eating the babies. Stop him, honey.
18:15 We can't. It's against the law to teach creationism.
18:19 [GROANING]
18:21 Have you seen Bobby?
18:24 Um, hmm. I think he said he was going to the gym.
18:31 Luanne.
18:32 Oh, right. I took him to Junie Hopper's. He's a lot better off there.
18:37 What are you talking about?
18:39 Well, I think that it's better for a child to receive wholesome impressions
18:44 from established religious authorities
18:47 than participate in rituals that are conducted by people
18:51 who really don't even know that they are pawns of the devil.
18:54 Whoa, little missy. You hold it right there.
18:57 I've had it up to here with your baloney.
18:59 I have taken you into my home. I have sheltered and fed you.
19:02 But if you step between my husband and his son,
19:05 I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage.
19:08 But... but I...
19:10 Mm-mm. From now on, you leave the parenting to us.
19:13 We get a magazine about it.
19:15 [GROANING]
19:19 I brought you an ice cold beer.
19:21 Thanks, Peggy.
19:23 Uh, Luanne took Bobby to Junie Hopper's house
19:26 for an anti-Halloween church party.
19:28 [GULPING]
19:32 I came very close to spitting out beer.
19:35 I knew you'd be upset.
19:37 They wrecked my haunted house, they outlawed my trick-or-treating,
19:41 and now they want to brainwash my boy?
19:43 It's time for somebody to do something.
19:46 (Footsteps)
19:52 Hank no! You could go to jail!
19:55 I knew the risks when I put on the uniform.
19:58 (Footsteps)
20:03 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
20:09 (Footsteps)
20:10 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
20:17 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
20:22 Trick or treat! Trick or...
20:25 Hey man, check it out man, I don't need no dang old costume.
20:28 Man, I had to put on the best dang old man.
20:30 Man, looks like I'm trying to get out of this box.
20:32 Man, I said, "Whoa, now I'm gonna play tug-of-war, man."
20:35 Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
20:40 Here comes the ghost!
20:42 (Splat)
20:43 Oh!
20:45 Donut!
20:48 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
20:54 Boo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist peddling influence.
21:01 Who wants candy?
21:04 Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
21:08 Oh, God! Trick or treat! Found my feet!
21:12 (Crying)
21:14 Give me something good to eat.
21:19 Come on, Luan.
21:21 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
21:27 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or...
21:33 (Splat)
21:37 Okay, Susie, what's it gonna take to get you to join the Hallelujah Club tonight?
21:44 Look, you took the brownie. I didn't make you take the brownie.
21:51 Congratulations, Bobby.
21:54 Hey, everybody, listen up. Bobby Hill has joined the Hallelujah Club.
21:59 Hallelujah, Bobby!
22:02 Can I have another brownie?
22:04 Trick or treat! Trick or treat! Trick or treat!
22:08 I'll handle this.
22:10 Trick or treat!
22:13 Hey, Bobby.
22:14 Go away, Satan.
22:16 Bobby, it's just a costume.
22:18 There is a curfew in effect, Mr. Hill, but I guess you have no respect for man's law either.
22:23 I've had enough of this nonsense.
22:26 Come on, son, let's go trick or treating.
22:29 He will not because he is a good boy.
22:36 All right, Bobby, I don't want to force you to choose.
22:40 I just wanted to spend Halloween with my son, but I guess I can't do that this year.
22:46 It just tears my heart out.
22:49 Oh!
22:55 What do you think you're doing?
22:57 I'm just keeping an eye out for my son.
23:00 Oh, mercy, what have I done?
23:04 Do not encourage this monster. This is vile.
23:07 Come on, Bobby, Halloween is just no fun without you.
23:12 Bobby, if you leave now, you'll never get the key to the kingdom.
23:17 Come on, son, let's get some candy.
23:20 You'll go to hell!
23:21 You'll get candy.
23:22 Hell!
23:23 Candy.
23:24 Hell!
23:25 Candy.
23:26 Stop! I don't care about candy.
23:30 I just want to be with my dad.
23:34 All right, then.
23:44 Fine, gone, all of you.
23:47 More room in heaven for me.
23:50 We got to get you home and scare you up a costume.
23:54 Okay.
23:55 Hey, Dad, I was just kidding before.
23:59 I care about candy.
24:01 I care a lot.
24:04 Happy Halloween, everyone!
24:08 I'm going to go and scare him.
24:17 (theme music)
24:46 Dang, I'll never get it.
24:49 [Music]