Exploring the Legacy of "Jack of Diamonds": A Tribute to Dick Emery's Television Mastery
The British television landscape of the early 1980s was graced with a comedic gem that has since become a nostalgic classic for many: "Jack of Diamonds." This series, which aired in 1983, showcased the versatile comedic talent of Dick Emery, a name synonymous with laughter and entertainment in the UK.
"Jack of Diamonds" followed the misadventures of Bernie Weinstock, a private detective portrayed by Emery, who, along with his partner Norman Lugg (played by Tony Selby), searched for a hoard of diamonds hidden since the Second World War. The show was a loose sequel to "Legacy of Murder" and featured Emery in various roles, a testament to his chameleonic ability to bring diverse characters to life with his unique brand of humour.
The series was broadcast several months after Emery's untimely death in January of the same year, adding a layer of poignancy to the show's history. Despite its brief run of six half-hour episodes, "Jack of Diamonds" left an indelible mark on the hearts of its viewers. It was a showcase not only of Emery's comedic genius but also of the collaborative spirit of the cast and crew who brought this story to the screen.
The narrative of "Jack of Diamonds" was a thrilling blend of comedy and mystery, with Emery's character often finding himself in hilariously precarious situations. The show's writing, credited to John and Steven Singer, delivered wit and suspense in equal measure, complemented by the musical compositions of Ronnie Hazlehurst and the costume designs of Pip Bryce.
Dick Emery's legacy in British comedy is vast, with "Jack of Diamonds" being a shining example of his enduring appeal. His ability to engage audiences with his multifaceted performances has cemented his place in the annals of television history. For those who remember the series, it evokes a sense of nostalgia for a time when comedy was not just about the laughs but also about the storytelling and the characters that stayed with viewers long after the credits rolled.
As we look back on "Jack of Diamonds," we are reminded of the rich tapestry of British television and the performers like Dick Emery who have left an everlasting impact. It is a series that deserves to be revisited, not only for its entertainment value but also for its cultural significance in the realm of British comedy.
"Jack of Diamonds" may have been a brief chapter in the vast book of British television, but it is one that continues to sparkle with the luster of diamonds, much like the treasure its characters sought. It stands as a tribute to Dick Emery, a performer who knew how to find the humor in every situation and who, even decades later, can still bring a smile to our faces.
The British television landscape of the early 1980s was graced with a comedic gem that has since become a nostalgic classic for many: "Jack of Diamonds." This series, which aired in 1983, showcased the versatile comedic talent of Dick Emery, a name synonymous with laughter and entertainment in the UK.
"Jack of Diamonds" followed the misadventures of Bernie Weinstock, a private detective portrayed by Emery, who, along with his partner Norman Lugg (played by Tony Selby), searched for a hoard of diamonds hidden since the Second World War. The show was a loose sequel to "Legacy of Murder" and featured Emery in various roles, a testament to his chameleonic ability to bring diverse characters to life with his unique brand of humour.
The series was broadcast several months after Emery's untimely death in January of the same year, adding a layer of poignancy to the show's history. Despite its brief run of six half-hour episodes, "Jack of Diamonds" left an indelible mark on the hearts of its viewers. It was a showcase not only of Emery's comedic genius but also of the collaborative spirit of the cast and crew who brought this story to the screen.
The narrative of "Jack of Diamonds" was a thrilling blend of comedy and mystery, with Emery's character often finding himself in hilariously precarious situations. The show's writing, credited to John and Steven Singer, delivered wit and suspense in equal measure, complemented by the musical compositions of Ronnie Hazlehurst and the costume designs of Pip Bryce.
Dick Emery's legacy in British comedy is vast, with "Jack of Diamonds" being a shining example of his enduring appeal. His ability to engage audiences with his multifaceted performances has cemented his place in the annals of television history. For those who remember the series, it evokes a sense of nostalgia for a time when comedy was not just about the laughs but also about the storytelling and the characters that stayed with viewers long after the credits rolled.
As we look back on "Jack of Diamonds," we are reminded of the rich tapestry of British television and the performers like Dick Emery who have left an everlasting impact. It is a series that deserves to be revisited, not only for its entertainment value but also for its cultural significance in the realm of British comedy.
"Jack of Diamonds" may have been a brief chapter in the vast book of British television, but it is one that continues to sparkle with the luster of diamonds, much like the treasure its characters sought. It stands as a tribute to Dick Emery, a performer who knew how to find the humor in every situation and who, even decades later, can still bring a smile to our faces.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00BOOM!
00:02BOOM!
00:04BOOM!
00:06BOOM!
00:08BOOM!
00:10BOOM!
00:12BOOM!
00:14BOOM!
00:16BOOM!
00:18BOOM!
00:20BOOM!
00:22BOOM!
00:24BOOM!
00:26BOOM!
00:29BOOM!
00:47Another one down the drain, eh, Burn?
00:50Well, I only had 50 nauts on it.
00:52I'm saving the big bet for the next race.
00:55I thought you'd been having big bets?
00:57everything on my own horse. Well, I mean, you've got to, haven't you?
00:59I wish you'd have consulted me before you lashed out good money on that nag.
01:03Consulted you? May I remind you, Norman, my friend, that when our detective agencies were merged,
01:09I became the senior partner because I put in the bulk of the money.
01:13Now you're taking the bulk of it out again. Trust me, Norman, will you? That horse is a winner.
01:18Oh, yeah. Like the dog you bought off that paddy in the pub,
01:21the one that was going to win the Greyhound Derby. The paddy had more chance than the dog.
01:25That dog had potential. He couldn't have caught a tortoise, let alone a hare.
01:29Look, that horse will get its money back in no time. I've called it Crime Busters International.
01:34Our name will be spread in all the papers. Think of the publicity we'll be getting out of it.
01:38The only thing you'll get out of that horse is the stuff you put on your rose beds.
01:41The stuff you're talking, you mean. The trouble with you is you haven't got a gambler's instinct.
01:46I've got a nose for approaching bankruptcy, though.
01:49Oh, come on, let's put a bet on the next race.
01:58I'm offering seven to one, Fisky Robin. Seven to two, Twin Peril.
02:02Nine to four, Abigail's Joy. Any takers? Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
02:05All right, you're cut, guv. Here he comes again. Your favourite mug.
02:08What a berk. He's worth his weight in gold, that fella.
02:12Mr. Weinstock, hard luck about the last race.
02:14Can't complain. Swings and roundabouts.
02:16You should complain. You're losing on both.
02:19I see you're offering 33s on my horse.
02:21Your horse? I didn't know you was an owner, Mr. Weinstock.
02:24Yes, Crime Busters International. I named it after our film.
02:28Phew, and I've been offering 33s. I must be out of my mind.
02:31Perhaps we'd better share the odds. I mean, you've been such a shrewd judge of horse flesh.
02:35He wouldn't recognise it if he had it in a sandwich.
02:38Yeah, well, as your regular client, I'll give you the benefit.
02:41It was a small flatter you were after, I presume?
02:43Of course, yes. A thousand liquor on the nose.
02:46It's a bit heavy for a small bookie like me.
02:48Still, I'm a gambling man. On your account, is it, sir?
02:50Yes, please.
02:50Right, down to Mr. Weinstock.
02:52£1,000 to win Crime Busters International.
02:55It's all very much, mate.
02:56Perfectly all right, Mr. Weinstock. I mean, your credit's always good.
02:58You'd never let me down.
02:59Of course, then you'd disappoint my big brother, what's just come out the scrubs.
03:03After doing two years for GBH.
03:05Don't worry. After the next race, I'll be owning your business.
03:09Come on, dog.
03:10Do you want to lay some of that off, Governor?
03:12No.
03:13Which one it wins?
03:14Dabby daft.
03:15I don't think he's the one who flogged it to him.
03:17The day that donkey wins the race, the Pope will get married.
03:25It's a pity the Queen Mum hasn't got a runner today.
03:27Nothing she likes more than mixery with the owners.
03:30You're mad, you are. You are raving mad.
03:32What are you talking about?
03:34You put a thousand liquor on the nose of that horse of yours,
03:37and it's probably got no chance.
03:38That's all you know.
03:40By a stroke of good fortune, I've managed to acquire the services
03:43of a superb jockey.
03:45Oh, yeah? Who's that? Lester Piggott?
03:46No, he's rubbish.
03:48Willie Carson?
03:49He's over the oar.
03:51Walter Swinburne?
03:52Not enough experience.
03:54Well, who then?
03:55Brian Tolpuddle.
03:57Tolpuddle who?
03:58Brian.
04:00He's the nephew of the Governor of the Red Lion.
04:02He's an amateur, I grant, but he's mustered.
04:06Oh, here he comes now.
04:11You're not nervous, Brian, are you?
04:13No, Mr. Weinstock.
04:14You're on a good filly,
04:15and I want you to give him his head straight from the oar.
04:18Might as well win my street.
04:20Good luck. I know you won't let me down.
04:22Thanks, Mr. Weinstock.
04:26I'm very confident in him.
04:39Go on, you can do it.
04:40He didn't do it, Byrne.
04:41The race is over.
04:42He hasn't crossed the line yet.
04:45He's dead unlucky.
04:46He got boxed in.
04:47But if they'd have had to have gone round twice,
04:49he would have been lapsed.
04:51Cut your losses now.
04:52Sell it for cat's meat.
04:53I'm not going to judge it on one outing.
04:55Next week, him and Brian could be a winning combination.
04:58Only if the horse rides Brian.
05:00Come on, let's have it.
05:05Oh, sorry about that.
05:07It's all right, mate.
05:08Very clumsy of me.
05:10What are you going to have, a scotch?
05:11Yeah, I'll have a large one.
05:13So will I, and you'll have to pay.
05:14What? What for?
05:15Unless they'll be pocket-picked.
05:17Two large scotches, please.
05:21It's not been your day, has it, Byrne?
05:24So? I've lost a few quid.
05:27Do you know how much you've lost today?
05:29Nope.
05:29Just over two grand.
05:31Oh, never.
05:32You have, mate. I've been counting.
05:34Easily rectified.
05:35We'll stop at the casino on the way home,
05:37and I'll win it all back on the roulette tables.
05:39It's no laughing matter, mate.
05:40I've been going through the firm's accounts,
05:42and we're in trouble.
05:43All right, I know you did very well out of the last case
05:46you sold before we became partners,
05:48but if you don't pack up gambling,
05:49in six months' time, we'll have nothing left.
05:51We'll be skint.
05:52Come on, Norm, we'll pick up one or two lucrative jobs.
05:56You better hope so.
05:57Otherwise, your financial interests are going to transfer
05:59from the stock exchange to the labour exchange.
06:02You've got to cut down, Byrne.
06:03That's final.
06:04Which is why I'm giving you this.
06:06I meant to give it to you the last couple of days.
06:09Gamblers Anonymous, you must be joking.
06:11I don't need them.
06:13I'm not addicted.
06:14I could give it up this minute if I wanted to.
06:16You couldn't.
06:17I could.
06:18You couldn't.
06:18All right, put your money where your mouth is.
06:20I'll lay you ten to one in Twenches if I could.
06:24See what I mean?
06:25Oh, God.
06:27Same again?
06:27Yeah, all right.
06:31St Jude's Hall, Chiltern Gardens, 8pm Thursdays.
06:42Excuse me.
06:48What do you want?
06:49I've come to attend the meeting.
06:51Oh, let's see now.
06:53It's Thursday, isn't it?
06:54What are you, a piss-ass dish or a potty-pump?
06:57What do you mean?
06:57Well, we've got both kinds here, you see.
06:59Alcoholics Anonymous and Gamblers Anonymous.
07:03Now, listen, just because I like a little flutter, don't mean that I'm...
07:07Oh, you're a potty-pump.
07:08Yes, well, through that door there.
07:09The liquor's in there.
07:10Talk to another couple of fellas in there.
07:12Oh, tar very much.
07:15It's all psychological, you know.
07:16What?
07:18You're all barmy.
07:19Cap and shirt and machining.
07:20That's what you lot are.
07:23Fuck the old goat.
07:26My life.
07:27What am I doing here?
07:28What am I doing?
07:40Welcome, welcome, dear friend.
07:44It is heartwarming indeed to welcome a new addition to our little group.
07:49Joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repented.
07:52More than over ninety and nine just persons which need no repentance.
07:56Oh, sounds good.
07:58Good odds.
07:58Ninety-nine to one.
07:59Oh, naughty, naughty.
08:01We are here to forget that sort of thing.
08:05Do come and sit down, will you?
08:10Three oranges.
08:12That's the second time I've had three oranges.
08:18Wrong again.
08:19You're two toffees and up two more.
08:24Looks like a pretty hardened bunch you've got here, Vicar.
08:26Oh, yes, yes.
08:29Yes, absolutely incorrigible.
08:31A bad loss, I'm afraid.
08:33I've got to hand it to you, Vicar.
08:34You know, you're doing a wonderful job helping these poor devils.
08:37Good heavens.
08:40Me?
08:40No, no, no.
08:41You've got the wrong end of the stick.
08:43I'm one of them.
08:45Or rather, one of us.
08:48But you're a man of the cloth.
08:50Makes no difference, dear boy.
08:51Do you know, I once lost the entire Stiefel Restoration Fund to Mr. William Hill.
08:58Good God.
09:00Yes.
09:02I'll have two pounds to win on the 64th in the fourth of July.
09:06Whatever you're supposed not to be doing, you'd better stop doing it.
09:09T.K.A.
09:20Who's he going on about?
09:21Helen Carter.
09:23Our group leader.
09:24A remarkably fine woman.
09:29Good evening, gentlemen.
09:31Good evening, Miss.
09:32Ah, I see we have a new recruit.
09:34Pleased to meet you, Miss.
09:35My name is...
09:36First name only, please.
09:37Oh, my name's Bernie.
09:39Glad to have you with us, Bernie.
09:40Do sit down.
09:41Oh, thank you.
09:49Well now, Bernie, perhaps you'd like to start the proceedings.
09:53We're very informal here.
09:54Just tell us something about yourself.
09:56Yes, well, uh, I'm, uh, 57 years old.
10:01I'm, uh, 50 years of age, and, uh, by profession, I'm a private investigator.
10:09I, uh, I don't know where to begin, really.
10:13Um, oh, I, uh, I had a lucky turn-up a little while ago.
10:18I made quite a bit of money.
10:21Uh, I like a little flutter.
10:23Well, it don't mean no harm, do it?
10:25Provided you can afford it.
10:28Anyway, I, uh...
10:30Thanks very much.
10:31See you next week.
10:31Good to see you next week.
10:34Good night, dear lady.
10:35Very helpful, as usual.
10:37See you at the same time next week.
10:39Yes, indeed.
10:40And don't forget, it's better not to bet.
10:43Oh, I'll do my best to remember.
10:49Oh, good night, miss, and thank you very much.
10:53Just a moment, Bernie.
10:54Huh?
10:55I'm afraid I'm rather breaking the rules here, but you said you were a private detective.
10:59That's right, yeah.
11:00I wonder if you could spare me a few minutes.
11:01You may be able to help me.
11:03Oh, well, if I can, of course.
11:04What's it all about?
11:05It's about a rather large quantity of missing diamonds.
11:10Diamonds?
11:11Yes, possibly worth hundreds and thousands of pounds.
11:15Hey, you're not having me on, are you?
11:16No, I'm perfectly serious.
11:19Well, let's dip down the road and talk about it over a drink, all right?
11:22Oh, good.
12:00Good morning, Sharon, my little peach.
12:02What a beautiful day.
12:04I can see you had your liver sauce before breakfast.
12:07Confidentially, I met a lady last night.
12:08It could be very good news.
12:10At your time of life, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
12:12Don't be saucy.
12:14This is strictly business.
12:16Oh, so far, anyway.
12:17Mind you, if I were 20 years younger, six foot tall, blonde and handsome.
12:22I'd be all over you like a dose of mead sauce.
12:24You naughty girl.
12:24Oh.
12:25Hello, Sharon.
12:26Good morning, Oliver.
12:28Come along, Mother.
12:32So this is your place of employment.
12:34Rather on the brash side, I must say,
12:37although somewhat alleviated by this charming person here.
12:40Who is she?
12:41Oh, let me introduce you.
12:43This is Sharon Finch, our receptionist.
12:45Sharon, this is my mother, Lady Halti.
12:48Pleased to meet you, Malaysia.
12:49I'm a bit of a stranger, but I'm glad to meet you.
12:51I'm a bit of a stranger, but I'm glad to meet you.
12:54Pleased to meet you, Milady.
12:57What an attractive girl.
12:59Good peasant stock.
13:00You could do a lot worse, you know, Oliver.
13:02Mother, please.
13:03Tell me, dear, has he made advances to you?
13:05Oh, no, he hasn't.
13:07Then he's either a fool or a poof.
13:11Mind you, the way he looks at the moment,
13:12I can't imagine anyone giving him a second glance.
13:16I must say, Oliver, you do look a bit of a sight this morning.
13:19I know, I do apologize.
13:21I've been up all night, you see.
13:22Standing on a ladder in Potter's Bar.
13:24I was so exhausted, I phoned Mother
13:26and asked her if she'd give me a lift to the office.
13:28What were you doing up a ladder?
13:30You're not doing a bit of window cleaning on the side, are you?
13:33No, no.
13:34No, I was trying to take pictures
13:35of this lady and gentleman in bed together.
13:38Filthy little beast.
13:40All in the line of duty, Mother, I assure you.
13:43It's a divorce case that Mr. Weinstock has assigned me to.
13:45Did you get your pictures then?
13:47Afraid not.
13:49Forgot to take the damn lens cap off the camera.
13:51All that energy wasted.
13:53I know, I'm worn out.
13:54I didn't mean you, dear, I meant them.
13:57Well, um, thanks awfully for the lift, Mother.
14:00I really ought to be making out my report.
14:02Oh, you want me to push off to go?
14:03Well, I...
14:04Well, now, before I go, I want to see this Mr. Weinstock person.
14:07Oh, he's probably very busy.
14:08Oh, I'm sure he'd like to meet your mum, Oliver.
14:11Mr. Weinstock?
14:12Yes?
14:13Oliver's mum, Lady Holt, I assume.
14:15Ladyship, how delighted and honoured I am to make your acquaintance.
14:21I see you have a grovelling respect for the aristocracy, Mr. Weinstock.
14:25You should endeavour to overcome it.
14:28For the most part, we're a worthless lot.
14:29Oh, I can't believe that.
14:31Well, suit yourself.
14:33And my son, is he progressing?
14:35Oh, he does you credit, my lady.
14:38He's bright, intelligent, and of course, with his superior background,
14:42he's well suited to dealing with our more upmarket clients.
14:46Well, he won't meet many of those at the top of a ladder.
14:49Sorry?
14:50Mother's referring to last night's assignment.
14:53Oh, well, I'm trying to give him a thorough grounding
14:55in all aspects of detective work.
14:58Well, at least you've got a job of sorts.
15:00Jolly side better than sitting on your bum
15:02in the House of Lords all day like his father.
15:05Well, I'm sure being a lord involves a lot of homework.
15:08Oh, well, this is Frilidor saying a big ten-ten till we do it again.
15:13Pardon?
15:14Mother's just had a CB radio installed in the rolls.
15:17Oh, I see.
15:18I got a ten-seventeen at the Super Slab Bean store.
15:21An eyeball with some breakers.
15:23Oh, aye. I hope it turns out nicely for you.
15:29Oh, and Sharon, dear, do try and lead him on a bit.
15:33Give him a flash of leg now and again.
15:35He's not a bad catch.
15:37There's a lot of loot in the family.
15:43What a wonderful woman, Oliver.
15:49You're a lucky boy.
15:50Anyway, come into my office.
15:51I've got something very important to discuss with you.
15:56Norman?
15:57Yeah?
15:57Give us a couple of minutes, will you?
15:59Take the weight off, Ollie.
16:02Morning, Sherlock Holmes.
16:03Hope we didn't get you up too early.
16:05Shut up, Norman, and sit down.
16:08What's that then?
16:09Now, listen, lads.
16:10I'm not sure, but I think I've stumbled on somebody who's going to earn us a lot of loot.
16:15Do go on.
16:15I'm fascinated.
16:16So am I.
16:17Shut up.
16:19Now, last night I met a bird at the function I was attending
16:23who told me a story that got me all agog.
16:25In fact, it kept me awake half the night.
16:27Like eating pickled onions, you mean?
16:29Norman, this is serious.
16:30This could earn us a lot of guilt.
16:32You mean we could milk her for a few quid?
16:34Oh, no, not exactly, because she's skint.
16:36What do you mean, skint?
16:37I mean she hasn't any money.
16:39Skint, you see, it's rhyming slang.
16:41Brassic lint.
16:41Oh, shut up.
16:43Sorry.
16:43A job like that, we need like a fractured femur.
16:46Now, don't jump to conclusions.
16:47This is the sort of job that if we solve it, we could cop big.
16:51And if we don't?
16:52Norman, why are you so negative?
16:54I mean, after all, we are professionals.
16:56First-class detectives, right?
16:57Wrong.
16:58We're a bunch of small-time slags.
17:00I mean, how many cases have we solved in the last six months since we've been in partnership?
17:04Now and again, you've got to get lucky.
17:05Right, Oliver?
17:07Tell us about it, then.
17:08No, I'll let the lady tell you that.
17:10Just like she did last night.
17:12You mean she's coming round the office, then?
17:13No, we'll go to her place of work.
17:15So grab your coats and let's move.
17:27So what does this Helen Carter do around here?
17:29I don't know, she never told me.
17:31Probably works in the office.
17:33Excuse me.
17:34Yes?
17:35We're looking for Miss Helen Carter.
17:37Could you tell us where we can find her?
17:38Yes, that's her coming now.
17:41Is she doing any one of them things?
17:42She's in one of them things all day long.
17:44She's the chief flying instructor.
17:45Is she?
17:47Oh, I like it.
17:48This bird really has got wings.
18:05Morning, Helen.
18:06Hello, Bernie.
18:08Would this be a convenient moment to have a little chat?
18:10Yes, of course.
18:11I've got half an hour before my next lesson.
18:13All right.
18:13Let's go and sit down over there.
18:14Okay.
18:17Oh, Helen, I'd like you to meet my associates.
18:20This is my partner, Mr Norman Lowe.
18:22How do you do?
18:23One of our field officers, Mr Oliver Ottershaw.
18:26I'm terribly pleased to meet you.
18:28Smarmy pons.
18:30Do you know, when his dad dies, he'll be a lord.
18:32He'll be the biggest berk in the peerage.
18:35Now, Helen, that should be kind enough to repeat the story
18:40you told me in the pub last night.
18:42Just relax and try not to leave anything out.
18:45Right-o, Bernie.
18:45You don't mind if I record you, do you?
18:47Only it's easier making notes.
18:49Of course not.
18:49Right, carry on.
18:52Well, it's a rather strange story, really.
18:54But there's a chance that it could lead to the discovery
18:56of a rather large amount of very valuable diamonds.
18:58Diamonds?
19:00Shut up.
19:01Carry on, Helen.
19:03It all began with my father.
19:05He was a corporal in the Royal Wessex Regiment during the war.
19:09When he came home, he was a sick man.
19:10He never really recovered his health.
19:12He died when I was a little girl.
19:14My mother died only a few months ago.
19:16And when I was clearing out the house,
19:18I came across an old box that belonged to my father,
19:20full of letters and souvenirs of the war.
19:23Amongst them, I discovered this.
19:28It contains an account of the extraordinary events
19:31surrounding my father's capture by the enemy in Holland.
19:34I'll read it to you.
19:37It's headed, Stalag 14, November 1944.
19:41I've been in the bag for about a month now,
19:43and I can't say I'm enjoying it.
19:45It was utterly stupid the way it happened.
19:47If only I'd turned right instead of left,
19:49I wouldn't be here now.
19:51Still, the incredible piece of luck I had
19:53just before they grabbed me makes it easier to bear.
19:55If our lads get a move on and knock Jerry out once and for all,
19:59I'll be free in a few months,
20:00and then I can go back for them.
20:02I don't know the name of the place,
20:04but I know how to find it.
20:05I was with the leading platoon trying to fight our way
20:08up the main street of this small Dutch town.
20:11Jerry was giving us quite a bit of stick.
20:31Come on, Carter, we're pulling out.
20:32Right, sir. Coming, sir.
20:54Like a fool, I'd run straight into the Jerrys,
20:56but not before I'd had time to hide the diamonds.
21:00Well, come on, what happened next?
21:03Mice.
21:03Mice? What have they got to do with it?
21:06Well, unfortunately, they're gutsy little fellas,
21:08and they ate the next three pages.
21:11All we could find was two words at the end.
21:13One of them was, uh, horn,
21:15then there was a blank, then there was corn,
21:18and then des, D-E-S-S.
21:21And that's all?
21:22That's all, mate.
21:23Well, you're stark raving mad, you are.
21:26A, we don't know where the town is in Holland.
21:29B, we don't know where he's hidden the diamonds.
21:33And C, how do we know they haven't been found?
21:35Oh, it's a gamble, isn't it, mate?
21:36Bernie?
21:37Sorry, Helen. It's a calculated risk.
21:39You see, if we find them, there could be a big reward.
21:43And if no legal claimant can be found,
21:45they could be ours under the finders keepers basis.
21:47See, whatever the proceeds,
21:49Helen says she'll split with us 50-50.
21:52Now, come on, what do you say?
21:53Shall we have a crack at it?
21:54I think it's a splendid idea.
21:55Oh, proper little Sexton Blake you are.
21:58All right, in for a penny, in for a pound.
22:00Good, you've got yourself a deal, Helen.
22:02Marvellous.
22:03Well, we've got one or two odds and ends to clear up,
22:04and then we'll get moving straight away.
22:06You've got my number, Bernie.
22:07Yeah, it's all right. We'll keep in touch, Helen.
22:08Well, thank you very much, gentlemen.
22:10Let's hope we hit the jackpot.
22:11Helen.
22:12Oh, I mean, um, I hope our efforts are rewarded.
22:16Keep your fingers crossed.
22:17If this comes off, you'll be able to buy yourself a Concorde.
22:20Oh, I'm glad you're back, Mr. Weinstock.
22:28Why, what's up, love?
22:29Mr. Price has been on the phone twice this morning, sir.
22:32He wants to speak to you urgently.
22:34I suppose that's Mr. Price of Price's Cut Price Stores?
22:36Yeah, that's right.
22:37Okay, love, I better nip down there a bit sharp,
22:39as she'll probably want to divorce his wife again.
22:42What do you mean, again?
22:43Oh, it happens as regular as clockwork.
22:44Every two or three months,
22:46he thinks she's carrying on with other fellas.
22:47And is she?
22:48You must be joking.
22:50She's 18 stone and only failed the audition for the Elephant Man
22:53because she was too ugly.
22:55Still, he's good for a ton every time I call on him.
22:58Anyway, I'll see you later.
22:59I'll take this tape of Helen's and listen to it in the car.
23:02You never know, there might be a clue there somewhere.
23:04Cheers.
23:05See you, darling.
23:06Bye.
23:18So...
23:42Okay, Mr. Price, leave this with me.
23:45Oh, terribly sorry, sir.
23:49How clumsy of me.
23:50It's all right, mate.
23:54Blimey, somebody's nicked me motor!
24:09Hi, Mickey.
24:12Not bad.
24:13Not bad at all.
24:15Yeah, spray her, Reg.
24:16You look quite nice.
24:18Hey, Joe, change them plates, will you?
24:21You are Mr. B.
24:21We'll square up, would you?
24:23Anything else special the Governor wants, Reg?
24:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
24:26He's got a customer for a nice Range Rover.
24:28Why registration, if possible?
24:30It's a tough one.
24:32Wait a minute.
24:32Princess Anne, she got one of them, didn't she?
24:34Yeah, leave it, Anne.
24:35Start feeding off them with all that upside the bloody towel.
24:39See ya.
24:40Cheers.
24:43Well, let's have a little rummage around,
24:44see if there are any fringe benefits.
24:56My, that's a turnout for a book.
25:00Something tickling you, Reg, old boy?
25:01No, Mr. Blackman.
25:02Yeah, yeah, look, this motor we just nicked,
25:04it belonged to a private detective.
25:05Look.
25:06Dear, oh, dear.
25:07Of all people, he should know there's a lot of villains about.
25:10Yeah, well, he can't trust nobody these days, can he?
25:13Crime Busters International.
25:15Well, this is one thing he won't be busting.
25:17It's a nice clean motor, though.
25:19Oh, really?
25:19Oh, look.
25:23I wonder what his taste in music is like.
25:27Volger, I'll be back.
25:30Well, it's a rather strange story, really.
25:32But there's a chance that it could lead to the discovery
25:34of a rather large amount of very valuable diamonds.
25:36So this inspector turns around to me,
25:38and he says, you're a detective.
25:40Find your own car.
25:42Not only that, I've had me wallet nicked again.
25:44Again!
25:46I must be crime prone.
25:48No, I'm still in the office.
25:49No, I thought I'd stay late tonight,
25:50because I've still got some paperwork to catch up on.
25:53By the way, Ellen's tape was in the car.
25:56Yeah, must be a couple of kids out for a joyride.
25:58Yeah, won't mean much to them.
26:00Oh, you've still got the diary?
26:02Well, keep reading it.
26:03You never know, you might stumble upon something.
26:05Yeah, right.
26:05See you tomorrow.
26:06Cheerio, Norm.
26:16What the hell?