Dick Emery Presents - Jack of Diamonds - episode 4 (1983)

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Exploring the Legacy of "Jack of Diamonds": A Tribute to Dick Emery's Television Mastery

The British television landscape of the early 1980s was graced with a comedic gem that has since become a nostalgic classic for many: "Jack of Diamonds." This series, which aired in 1983, showcased the versatile comedic talent of Dick Emery, a name synonymous with laughter and entertainment in the UK.

"Jack of Diamonds" followed the misadventures of Bernie Weinstock, a private detective portrayed by Emery, who, along with his partner Norman Lugg (played by Tony Selby), searched for a hoard of diamonds hidden since the Second World War. The show was a loose sequel to "Legacy of Murder" and featured Emery in various roles, a testament to his chameleonic ability to bring diverse characters to life with his unique brand of humour.

The series was broadcast several months after Emery's untimely death in January of the same year, adding a layer of poignancy to the show's history. Despite its brief run of six half-hour episodes, "Jack of Diamonds" left an indelible mark on the hearts of its viewers. It was a showcase not only of Emery's comedic genius but also of the collaborative spirit of the cast and crew who brought this story to the screen.

The narrative of "Jack of Diamonds" was a thrilling blend of comedy and mystery, with Emery's character often finding himself in hilariously precarious situations. The show's writing, credited to John and Steven Singer, delivered wit and suspense in equal measure, complemented by the musical compositions of Ronnie Hazlehurst and the costume designs of Pip Bryce.

Dick Emery's legacy in British comedy is vast, with "Jack of Diamonds" being a shining example of his enduring appeal. His ability to engage audiences with his multifaceted performances has cemented his place in the annals of television history. For those who remember the series, it evokes a sense of nostalgia for a time when comedy was not just about the laughs but also about the storytelling and the characters that stayed with viewers long after the credits rolled.

As we look back on "Jack of Diamonds," we are reminded of the rich tapestry of British television and the performers like Dick Emery who have left an everlasting impact. It is a series that deserves to be revisited, not only for its entertainment value but also for its cultural significance in the realm of British comedy.

"Jack of Diamonds" may have been a brief chapter in the vast book of British television, but it is one that continues to sparkle with the luster of diamonds, much like the treasure its characters sought. It stands as a tribute to Dick Emery, a performer who knew how to find the humor in every situation and who, even decades later, can still bring a smile to our faces.

Category

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Fun
Transcript
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01:56GROWL!
01:57GROWL GROWL GROWL!
01:58GROWL GROWL!
01:59Let me go!
02:00Who are you?
02:01What do you want with me?
02:02We don't know what we want m'lady...
02:06That's up to our governor!
02:09You behave yourself, otherwise I'll give you a little tap of this
02:25Yeah, what are we stopping for?
02:29Mr B told me to pick up a couple of bottles of brandy.
02:32Keep an eye on her, I won't be a minute.
02:39You better let me go, or you'll find yourself in terrible trouble.
02:43Kidnapping's a serious offence, you know.
02:45If I were you, I'd write a complaint to your MP.
02:47Stupid kid, what do you think you're up to?
03:03Watch her.
03:04Who are you?
03:05Pig's head.
03:06Why don't you take a driving test?
03:07You addressing me, friend?
03:08Yeah, cough up.
03:09You're the one who's coughing.
03:10You're the one who's coughing.
03:11You're the one who's coughing.
03:12You're the one who's coughing.
03:13You're the one who's coughing.
03:14Are you fine, sir?
03:15Yours are headlights.
03:16Dearie me, I am clumsy.
03:17I keep breaking things, like your nose, for instance.
03:23You're on to the trouble, mate, you just found it.
03:25I'm not going to run away.
03:26If you fancy your chances.
03:28I don't think you're a very nice gentleman.
03:31Why not?
03:32Even your young lady's running away from you.
03:37The bird's scarpered.
03:44Thank you very much, mate. See you again soon.
03:53Excuse me, mate. Did you see what happened to the people in that motor?
03:59You with them, friend?
04:00Yeah, that's right.
04:01Well, they went pelting off in that direction.
04:03Oh, sorry.
04:05Be nice to people, and they'll be nice to you.
04:34What's a ticket?
04:43Hey, what's your game?
05:13Now, listen, boys and girls, I've got some news for you.
05:41He's going away for a couple of days.
05:43All right, all right, don't panic.
05:46Oh, Griselda, such a softie you are.
05:51I might go to Ireland.
05:53I might even bring you back some Dutch bowls to play with.
05:57Now, while I'm away, I want you to behave yourselves.
05:59No cross-pollinating and getting up to naughty tricks with bees, right?
06:07I think I'll put you over here, young man.
06:14Naughty boy.
06:16Now what?
06:19Birdie Weinstock?
06:21Oh, hello, Ellen, how are you?
06:24You been what? Kidnapped?
06:27Where are you?
06:29Waterloo Station?
06:31Well, now, listen, you stay there, and me and the boys will be round to fetch you, right?
06:35Understand? Good.
06:39My life.
06:42God, I'm sorry!
06:54Oh, Cyril, that was a lovely move.
06:57Thank you, darling, thank you.
06:59Not yours. I meant that through ball from midfield.
07:02Caught the offside trap and beat the defence square.
07:05Gloria, I did not bring you here to watch football, you know.
07:08But that's what I thought when you said QPR, that they're playing very well.
07:12Oh, and ball, ref, and ball.
07:16I like their tactics. They're not letting the opposition play their own game.
07:20I'm not being allowed to play mine, either.
07:22Come in.
07:24Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Black.
07:27Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you.
07:29What the devil are you doing here, Reg? You're supposed to be doing an errand for me.
07:32Oh, I'm afraid we've mislaid the merchandise.
07:35Tighten up on your markings. You're meant to be playing 4-2-4, now come on.
07:39I'll get the details from you later. I am not pleased.
07:43I didn't think you would be, but what are we going to do now?
07:45I don't know, let me think.
07:47You dirty beast, that was right over the top. Send him off, ref.
07:51Gloria, why don't you...
07:54Have some more champagne.
07:56Reg, he thinks it's the rules.
08:00The bird is hardly likely to return to her nest.
08:04That's very true.
08:05She will, of course, contact her private detective friend.
08:08Weinstock, you mean?
08:10Yes. Is Mickey Jordan still following him?
08:12Yeah.
08:13Then he'll know where they meet and when.
08:15It stands to reason.
08:16Right, I want you to go back to the garage, wait till Mickey rings in, go out and grab her.
08:21I want whatever information she may have.
08:23There'll be no slip-ups this time, Mr Blakeney.
08:25I sincerely hope not, Reg.
08:27Because you might find yourself being made... redundant.
08:35He's run up on me.
08:41Marvellous, isn't it? There's a big fight on tonight, now I'm going to miss it.
08:44Well, never mind. Perhaps your missus will beat you up another time.
08:50Look, there she is.
08:53Hello.
09:03Oh, that's better.
09:04Hello, hello, I make it, it's you.
09:06Yeah, where are you?
09:07Right, right.
09:08In a car, lads. Waterloo Station.
09:10Weinstock and his mates are there with the bird.
09:12Hello, Mickey.
09:13Right, you stay where you are, we'll be with you in a few minutes.
09:16Right.
09:17Unfortunately, the door's shut, just as they reached my carriage.
09:20Oh, a very lucky girl, Helen.
09:22Did you recognise any of the three men in the car?
09:24No, I've never seen any of them before.
09:26Well, what on earth would they want to snatch you for?
09:28Unfortunately, he sticks out the mile, mate.
09:30It's got to be something to do with them diamonds.
09:32Can't be. Nobody knows except us.
09:35Well, how about the geezer who nicked my car?
09:37Got the tapes of the conversation we had with Helen in it.
09:40No, it's probably some clever clog who's put two and two together and made four.
09:44Don't sound very likely.
09:45Oh, well, if you assume he's a villain and not just a joyrider,
09:48it could explain the fellow in the office with the shotgun.
09:51Oh, you mean if he played back the tape, he could be looking for the diary?
09:55Makes sense.
10:06Oh, not bad for British Rail. What is it, mushroom?
10:09Is it?
10:11Oh, no. It's minestrone.
10:14It's got to be. It's got lumps in it.
10:16Actually, it's tea.
10:22What I don't understand is, even if these men had played the tape,
10:25how did they find out my address?
10:27Seems obvious to me.
10:28Oh, everything seems obvious to you, smart-arse.
10:32Sorry, miss.
10:34We're being followed.
10:35What?
10:36Someone's probably watching us at this very moment.
10:39Quick, on your feet.
10:41No use making ourselves an easy target here.
10:46Well, one thing's for sure, you can't go back to your place tonight, Helen.
10:49The others might have another try.
10:51The best thing is for the four of us to stick together.
10:53We'll spend the night at my house and go straight to the airfield in the morning.
10:57Do you think it might be a good idea, Mr. Weinstock,
10:59if we left the station by the back door, so to speak?
11:02It's a good idea. If you know the way, lead on.
11:19Come on.
11:38What's all this, then?
11:39Bernie, those are two of the men that kidnapped me.
11:49Right, lady.
11:50You come quietly with us, and there won't be any need for any violence.
11:54She'll do no such thing.
11:55Get behind me, Helen. Go on.
11:57Perhaps I should have a word with him, Mr. Weinstock.
11:59That won't do no good, Ollie.
12:00You may be brainy, but it's brawn that's needed here.
12:03Hand her over, you're wasting time.
12:05Now, look here.
12:07My name is Oliver Ottershaw,
12:09and I think it only fair to warn you that if you persist in your present course of conduct,
12:12it could lead to very serious consequences.
12:15So I suggest we push on.
12:17Go on.
12:18Go on.
12:20We're quaking in our boots, aren't we, lads?
12:23Yeah.
12:25Farewell.
12:26Excuse me.
12:42You've been watching too much telly, Sonny Jim.
12:44It's going to give me great pleasure to cut your ears off.
13:14Huh?
13:45Oh, God.
13:51Let that be a lesson to you, young man.
14:05Jolly good job they cleared off when they did.
14:07I was just about to lose my temper.
14:08You were marvellous, Oliver.
14:10Not only marvellous, incredible.
14:12Typical of you, Oliver.
14:14Hogging all the action.
14:15I was just about to tear them apart myself.
14:17I'm sorry, Mr Lark.
14:18I didn't realise you wanted to do it.
14:20Oh, that's all right, mate.
14:21We'll forget it this time.
14:22You handled it reasonably well.
14:24Ignore him, Ollie.
14:25When it comes to chops, you can't tell the difference between co-op and the old lame.
14:30You're looking at a fighting machine.
14:32Trained to a hair.
14:34Honed to a knife edge.
14:36Where did you learn all that stuff?
14:37In Japan.
14:38I went there after I left school to study under the great Hokkaido Fujinaka Nishi.
14:42Oh, him.
14:44Are you proud of him?
14:45Never.
14:46I'm Black Belt, actually.
14:48Fifth Dan.
14:49Don't you think we ought to be going, Bernie?
14:51They may come back with reinforcements.
14:53Let them come.
14:54My boy can cope.
14:56He might be a wonder man, but he can't stop bullets.
14:59Well, that's a thought, doesn't it?
15:01Come on, let's get out of here.
15:09Come on.
15:14Oh, that was a delicious pudding, Bernie.
15:16It certainly was.
15:17Thank you for volunteering to cook, Oliver.
15:19A pleasure.
15:20I was going to do an egg and chips myself,
15:22but I must say that first course was delicious.
15:24What was it called?
15:25A dame de flétan du glaire with pommes dauphine.
15:28You're amazing, Oliver. You really are.
15:31Where did you learn to cook like that?
15:32Well, after I left Japan, I went to Paris to study under
15:35maître chef de cuisine Gaston Ruffoud.
15:38I reckon it's demeaning for a man to cook.
15:41It's a woman's job.
15:42Men that cook are usually puffeders.
15:44That's the darkest statement I ever heard.
15:46You enjoyed the meal, all right?
15:48It was all right for foreign muck.
15:50It's reopens.
15:52Well, it's not filling like proper food, is it?
15:55Anybody fancy a drop of brandy?
15:56Oh, yeah.
15:57Not for me, thanks, Bernie.
15:58I must keep a clear head if I'm flying tomorrow.
16:01You can say that again.
16:02Not much chance of getting breathalyzed up there.
16:04You men go and sit down. I'll get on with the washing up.
16:07Right.
16:09Cheers.
16:16Oh, blimey, who's that? I wasn't expecting anybody.
16:19Go on, answer it, will you, Oliver?
16:21Yes, certainly.
16:26It's probably my missus checking to see I'm really here.
16:29If she won't ring the bell, she'll kick the door in.
16:34It's Inspector Dearlove.
16:35He wants to have a few words with you, Mr. Weinstock.
16:38Well, well, good evening, Inspector, and your trusty sergeant.
16:41Do take a seat.
16:42Oh, that's very kind.
16:44We'd never get it in the car.
16:48Old, but as good as good.
16:55To what do we owe the pleasure of your company?
16:57Don't tell me you found my wallet.
16:59Or better still, my car.
17:01I'm afraid not, Mr. Weinstock.
17:03But I can assure you that we are deploying to the full
17:06the resources of the department which deals with such cases.
17:09i.e. Police Constable Fish.
17:12I'm honoured to be receiving the attentions of such a distinguished investigator.
17:16PC Fish, no less.
17:18Don't knock it, Mr. Weinstock.
17:20He'll keep a lookout for your belongings.
17:24He had a clue last week.
17:26Had a clue.
17:28Turned out to be a red herring.
17:30Brilliant the way your mind works, sir. Brilliant.
17:32Right. That's enough of that.
17:34I like a good laugh to save us the next man.
17:37Must remember we're still on duty.
17:38Oh, what a pity.
17:40That means I can't offer you a drink.
17:43Now, what was it you wanted?
17:45I'd like to ask you a few questions, Mr. Weinstock.
17:49Fire away.
17:50Fire away.
17:51I understand that you three were involved in a little fracar
17:54in Waterloo Station early this evening.
17:56In the company of a lady.
17:58Yes, that's right.
17:59Ah!
18:00Utterly wrong.
18:01Where on earth did you hear such a ridiculous story?
18:04From one of my detective constables.
18:06He said there was a lot of punching and kicking and bodies flying about.
18:09Probably a couple of commuters having a friendly chat with the train driver.
18:12No point in denying it.
18:14I'm having you followed.
18:16Why? What for?
18:17I'm not a criminal.
18:19Possibly not, sir.
18:20But we happen to know that there's someone else following you.
18:23And he is a villain.
18:24Then why don't you do your duty and arrest him?
18:27Because I'm trying to find out who's employing him and why.
18:31Tell me about this case you're working on.
18:34Case?
18:35What case?
18:36The one involving diamonds to the tune of a seven-figure sum.
18:40Mr. Lugg knows all about it, don't you, sir?
18:42No. No, I don't.
18:44That's not what you told an attractive young WPC in a pub in Upper Linwood.
18:49You mean that bird was a copper?
18:51Still is, to my knowledge.
18:53We're not all like PC-49, you know, sir.
18:55No.
18:56More like PC-36, 24, 36.
19:02I'm surprised at you, Inspector. I really am.
19:06Fancy you getting taken in with a story like that.
19:08That's his chat-up line.
19:10He spins them yards to all the birds, don't you know?
19:13Yeah, yeah, that's right, I do. Yeah.
19:15Yes, he's doing very well, I know. He's got kids all over the country.
19:19For the sake of nothing whatsoever to tell me.
19:21Oh, nothing at all, no.
19:23Well, there you are, Frisbee. As the artist with the broken pencil said, I've drawn a blank.
19:27My apologies for troubling you, gentlemen.
19:33You three are up to something.
19:35I don't know what it is, but I'll find out in the end.
19:38And if it's anything illegal, you'll find yourself in the same position as the nation's publicans.
19:43What's that, Inspector?
19:45Spending a lot of time behind bars.
19:53Well, that's a nice little turn-up.
19:56Not only are we being followed by some villain, we've got the law on our tail as well.
19:59What I don't understand is why you lied to him.
20:02Surely there wouldn't be any harm in the police knowing what we're doing.
20:05Well, with the sort of money involved in this case, the fewer the people that know about it, the better.
20:12Well, I think I'll take myself off to bed.
20:15If we get to the airfield by about eight, you'll be in Amsterdam before lunch.
20:19Thanks for everything. Good night, everybody.
20:22Good night.
20:26Well, love, I only hope you're still alive and still living at the same address
20:30and can remember something that'll help us find the diamonds.
20:34Well, I hope the wind drops for this little plane trip. I don't fancy a bumpy ride.
20:38I only hope I'm not sick. I wish I had a bag.
20:41Oh, leave your wife out of it, Dawn.
20:43It's very nice of you to let me come along for the ride, Mr. Weinstock,
20:46but I wish you'd let me stay with you in Holland and give you a hand.
20:49Your job is to stay with Miss Carter, look after her, see she's OK, all right?
20:52Ready, gentlemen?
20:54Ah, everything all right, Helen?
20:56Yes, fine. We're clear for take-off.
20:58I must just go to the gents before we leave.
21:00Good thinking. After all, up there you can't pull into a lay bar
21:03and nip behind the clouds, can you?
21:05I suppose all the parachutes are on board, all right, Helen?
21:08You won't be needing parachutes, Bernie.
21:10We'll be as safe as a church up there.
21:12I'm not worried about up there. I'm not worried about down here.
21:16I'm worried about the bit in between.
21:18Statistically speaking, Mr. Weinstock,
21:20you have more chance of being knocked down by a bus than being killed in a plane crash.
21:24I was knocked down by a bus.
21:30Oh, no!
22:01I must say, George,
22:03I've never been a great one for the sea and sailing and all that lard,
22:07but I really enjoyed this trip over.
22:09Well, I'm not surprised.
22:11You spent most of the time down there looking back my booze.
22:14I wouldn't have been much use to you up here, now, would I?
22:17I mean, you're the one who's expert at handling the boat.
22:19Ah, that's to be expected.
22:21After all, I received the finest possible training when I was in the Royal Navy.
22:25Ah, now, George, remember who you're talking to.
22:28It's old Foxy.
22:30Oh, yes, I'm sorry, Foxy.
22:32This phony act of mine is becoming second nature.
22:35I have learnt never to lower my guard.
22:39Ah, it's a beautiful city, Amsterdam, isn't it?
22:42Very nice.
22:44All it needs is a few proper English pubs.
22:47How are we going to get to Arstorp, by the way?
22:50Well, we'll hire a car. It shouldn't take us more than an hour to get there.
22:54What do we look for when we arrive?
22:56I wish I knew, Foxy, my old son. I wish I knew.
23:27Oh, thank you very much. Have a very smooth flight.
23:30Very nice indeed.
23:49It's a pound to a penny that Jack Carter nicked a whole lot of diamonds
23:53from that jeweller's shop just before he was grabbed by the jerrys.
23:57Now, if the stones were still on him, they would have vanished without a trace,
24:00but they obviously didn't because those two detectives are looking for them.
24:04So, Carter must have hidden them somewhere
24:07between leaving the shop and getting put in the bag.
24:12George, you've got a very deducive mind.
24:15I'm surprised you never made it beyond Sargent.
24:18Oh, I undoubtedly would have done,
24:20except I was found in a somewhat indelicate situation with a young lady behind the nappy.
24:24I mean, half the Flaming Army was called like that.
24:27Yes, but not with the General's youngest daughter.
24:31In that case, she was lucky to make Sargent.
24:36Well, Foxy, let's find a nice cafe and have a decent meal. I'm starving.
24:40Good idea.
24:42When it's spring again, I'll bring again tulips from Amsterdam
24:48With a love that's true, I'll bring to you...
24:51Why don't you shut up?
24:53What's the matter with you?
24:54You've been singing that blooming song ever since we left England.
24:57I'm sick and tired of it.
24:58All right, all right. Don't get sloppy.
25:00I'm told I've got a very pleasant voice.
25:02Whoever told you that must have had his deaf-aid switched off.
25:05Anyway, what kind of transport do you call this?
25:07Why didn't you get a car?
25:08The bloke at the airport said he'd lend us these two bikes.
25:11You can't look a gift horse in the mouth, can you?
25:13How much further is it?
25:15The bloke said about half an hour.
25:17Foreigners, what do they know?
25:19I saw a mouse, where?
25:22There on the stairs, where on the stairs.
25:25Right there, a little mouse with claws on.
25:28Will I dig here?
25:29Go and clip clippity-clop on the stairs.
25:32I'll go clip clippity-clop on your head in a minute.
25:39This is Arnoldstown, all right.
25:41Where's 241?
25:43I'll ask this geezer here.
25:45Excuse me. Pardonnez-moi.
25:48Je suis Angleterre.
25:51Signor, compris?
25:53We wish to ask ein question.
25:56Oh, by all means.
25:58Oh, go ahead.
26:00Goody-goody.
26:01What is your question?
26:02You speak the English?
26:03I do.
26:04Ah, good.
26:06We want to know where 241 Arnoldstown is.
26:09You found it. This houseboat is it.
26:11Oh, well, there's a turn-up.
26:13We're looking for the lady in this photo here.
26:16That is an old picture of my aunt.
26:19Who are you? What do you want?
26:21Look at the inscription on the photo.
26:23To my darling Jack, ever yours, Greta.
26:27This Jack must have been a British soldier that my aunt knew.
26:29That's right, yeah.
26:30Obviously a close friend.
26:31Oh, exactly, yes.
26:33How is he?
26:34He's kicked the bucket.
26:36Really? What a strange thing to do.
26:39No, my friend means he's pushing up the daisies.
26:44Over the garden.
26:48No, he's gone before.
26:52He's passed over.
26:55He's croaked it, snuffed it.
26:58But how is he?
27:00He's dead.
27:02I'm sorry to hear that.
27:04And so will my aunt be.
27:06Yes, well, I mean, we'd like to have a word with her if possible.
27:09Of course. She lives in a cafe not too far from here.
27:12Oh, good. Can you tell us which direction?
27:14No need. Jump in my little boat. I will take you.
27:17Oh, that's very kind of you. Thank you very much.
27:25Not a bad bit of grub, that. Eh, George?
27:28Satisfying and sleep-inducing.
27:30Well, I'll have one more of these and then I'll go below for a kip, I think.
27:40George, did you see who that was in that little boat?
27:44No.
27:45It was him. Two private eyes from England.
27:48A wine stock and his mate.
27:50Blimey, you're right. They must be on to us.
27:52Don't lose sight of them, George. I'll just go below and collect something from my bag.
28:00Come on, George, quick!
28:02LAUGHTER
28:28Blimey, Foxy, where did you get that from?
28:30It's from the Colonel's weapons collection.
28:32Thought it might come in handy sometime.
28:48Jack's back at the same time next Sunday.
28:50Coming up in 15 minutes or so, Poirot.
28:53And that's after an extra treat after the break.
29:00APPLAUSE
29:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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