Oh, Doctor Beeching! - 105 [couchtripper][U]
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00:30Did you see that?
00:50Yes, I did.
00:51Was he waving at you?
00:53He was not.
00:54I don't think he was waving at me because I was not in evidence.
00:59It must have been her, next door.
01:01It'll all end in tears.
01:03Anyone seen my relief?
01:05Hasn't he arrived yet?
01:07He should have been here at six o'clock.
01:10I've been on since ten last night.
01:13It's no laughing matter.
01:16I don't suppose he'd have laughed at it if it was.
01:24Come in.
01:26Morning, Mr Skinner.
01:28What have you got in that cup?
01:30Tea.
01:31Where from?
01:32Refreshment room.
01:33You've no business helping yourself.
01:37Don't put it down on there, you'll spoil the paperwork.
01:40Parking will have kittens.
01:42He's got the morning off.
01:43Parking's the type of man who'd have kittens on Christmas Day.
01:46Take that mug back to me, she'll miss it.
01:48Will she have kittens as well?
01:50Just go and do as I tell you.
01:56Excuse me.
02:00What have you been up to?
02:01Nothing.
02:02Well, don't do it again.
02:05Sorry I'm late, Jack.
02:06Ten minutes I was knocking on that boy's bedroom door.
02:09Couldn't you get him out of bed?
02:11He wasn't there.
02:13He'd got up at 6.30 and gone.
02:15Made himself some instant porridge.
02:17Well, that's a step in the right direction.
02:19Not really.
02:20He must have cooked it for half an hour.
02:22I shall have to chuck the pan away.
02:25Anybody there?
02:26Just come in.
02:27Oh, Harry's relief hasn't turned up.
02:29Wreck. I'll go and get him a cup of tea.
02:32Good morning, can I have...
02:34Oh, it's you.
02:35What do you want?
02:36Cheap day return, please.
02:38No bicycle this morning?
02:39No, I'm going to the pictures, so I'm not taking it.
02:42Have you seen Percy lately?
02:44No.
02:46That'll be half a crown.
02:49I'll give Percy your load.
02:53Bitch.
02:56Harry's stopping us again.
02:58I wonder what's up.
03:00Maybe one of his rabbits have got out.
03:03He wouldn't stop us for a rabbit.
03:05He would if he had a pedigree.
03:09He's got some coral. Give him a whistle.
03:20Morning, Harry. I hear you haven't been relieved.
03:22Nine horrible hours I've been here.
03:26I've got a cup of tea to cheer you up.
03:28Cheer me up?
03:29What sort of life is this for a man?
03:32I'm here all night, all alone.
03:35Hour after hour, nothing happens.
03:38Once or twice, that thing goes ting-ting.
03:41I move a couple of levers and ting-ting back.
03:44And that's it.
03:45I'm all alone again with me thought.
03:48Where's the satisfaction?
03:50Where's the fulfilment?
03:53That'll be on. I want you to come in.
03:55Well, I'm not supposed to be here,
03:57so I'm not doing any ting-tings
03:59and I'm not pulling any bloody levers.
04:01Pay attention.
04:03Don't be silly, Harry.
04:04No! No!
04:06They can do what they will.
04:08I'll... I'll signal no more.
04:11If Percy finds out, he'll play you like Bob did I do.
04:14I'm not worried about Percy, mate.
04:16If he pokes his bloody nose in here,
04:18he'll get the flat end of my tongue.
04:20I'll see it in meself and pull yourself together.
04:23Yeah.
04:26Right, come on, Ralph.
04:28Your driving is giving us a signal.
04:30I just spied a hare on the top of the bank.
04:33I'm going in the hares now.
04:35Toot your whistle and start off.
04:38Here.
04:39WHISTLE BLOWS
04:40One toot is enough. Off you go.
04:44Ralph, you've done it again, haven't you?
04:50Hansley! Hansley! Hansley!
04:52Can't hear from up to the West End!
04:55Hansley! Hansley! Hansley!
04:57Can't hear from up to the West End!
04:59It's not my control, Ralph!
05:01Hansley! Hansley! Hansley!
05:03Can't hear from up to the West End!
05:05Good morning. I've been eyeing you.
05:07I've been eyeing you.
05:10Morning. Have a nice day.
05:12Good morning. Have a nice day.
05:15Good morning. Ha...
05:18Morning, Ethel.
05:20Morning.
05:21Hello. I'm not popular.
05:23Get yourself in the next compartment, darling.
05:25I'll clip your ticket when we get moving.
05:27Can't wait.
05:29Jack, I've got some parcels for you.
05:31Will, come on.
05:33Here you are.
05:34I've got a special one for you, Jack.
05:37Do you know who he is?
05:39We haven't been introduced.
05:41It's a bit late for that now.
05:43Will, go and get the barry.
05:45I've been relieved.
05:47Good. You can stay here and give us all a good laugh.
05:50Oh, very funny.
05:52Give us a lift with the coffee.
05:54Coffee? Oh, my God, that's all I need.
05:57Yeah, but it's more than Wilf and I can handle.
05:59Come on, Wilf, hurry up.
06:01Get in there and give Percy a hand with the other end.
06:03It's Mr Buckley.
06:05It's Mr Buckley.
06:07How do you know?
06:08His name's on top of it.
06:09Is it clean? Lucky for you.
06:14Jack?
06:16Jack, your tea's re...
06:18I'll keep it hot.
06:26Oi.
06:36You'd better be away.
06:40WHISTLE BLOWS
06:42Right away!
06:44Oh, go on, go on, go on.
06:48HORN BLARES
06:50Will, you stop playing with your whistle!
06:53Go on, get on with it.
06:59Where's he got to go?
07:01Well, I think it ought to be under cover.
07:03It might start to rain and we don't want it to get wet.
07:05Why not? He can't get pneumonia, can he?
07:09That's Buckley why he's in there.
07:11Don't be disrespectful.
07:13And get these pigeons off the trolley.
07:15It's not seamless and neither is that.
07:18Now, I think it's a parcel,
07:20so it ought to go in the parcel office.
07:22Come on.
07:28Go for a get-off.
07:30Get off! This is not a scooter.
07:35Dad, have you got my dinner money?
07:38I'll go without.
07:40This trolley'll never go through that door.
07:43No, but the coffin will.
07:50That's eight towels and six tablecloths.
07:53Oh, thank you, Vera. Will you leave them on the counter?
07:57Mum, Dad's struggling with a coffin.
07:59I know, love. And his tea's getting cold.
08:02Never mind. Have a ginger nut.
08:05There's only three of them. I don't think they can manage.
08:08I'll give them a helping lift.
08:10I performed the same service for my late husband.
08:13He was an engine driver, you know.
08:16And ever so heavy.
08:19Lovely funeral it was.
08:21You know what they do in the army when they shoot their guns in the air?
08:25Well, all the firemen lined up and banged their shovels together.
08:32Then, as they lowered him into the hole,
08:35I threw a small bouquet of red roses into the coffin.
08:40And all the firemen, very reverently,
08:44dropped half a hundredweight of best Welsh-themed coffee.
08:49Things like that linger in the memory, you know.
08:53Ginger nut?
08:56Lift up your end.
09:00Oh, you are doing well.
09:02Thank you. Wilfred, open the door.
09:04All right.
09:06Come in.
09:10Vera, guide it from that side.
09:12It's better if you take small steps, like the fox trot.
09:17Slow, slow.
09:20Slow, slow.
09:23Ah!
09:25You're not bringing that thing in here.
09:27It's not a thing. It's a coffin and there's somebody dead in it.
09:30That's why I'm not having it in here.
09:32Oh, it gives me the shivers. Take it out.
09:35We can't leave it where the passengers can see it.
09:37Jack, it's not coming in here and that's final.
09:40Well, I don't suppose it's the sort of thing
09:42that May would like to have in the refreshment room.
09:46Put the customers off, wouldn't it?
09:48Shove it in Parkin's office.
09:50Don't be ridiculous.
09:52He's got the morning off.
09:54Well, it won't have to stay there long, will it?
09:56I bet old Colfax will come and collect it as soon as you ring him.
09:59Well, he'll put it in his chapel of rest.
10:01Very tasteful, it is, and holy.
10:04Cold, though.
10:06He'll be expecting it.
10:08I dug him a grave yesterday.
10:11It was raining, it was.
10:13All puddly.
10:15Don't give me a penny extra for when it rains.
10:18But we can't stand here all day.
10:20Ethel, open his door.
10:25And ring Mr Colfax and tell him we've got a customer.
10:29Oh, get that, Vera. I can't get through.
10:34Hello? Hackney Station?
10:37Wilfred, lift it up. It's dropping.
10:39Well, Vera's let it slip.
10:41She's let everything slip.
10:43It's Mr Mortimer.
10:45He says he wants to bet it's 3.30 at Newcastle.
10:50Well, it's only just gone eight here, Mr Mortimer.
10:54Rest it on Parking's desk.
10:56I see.
10:57Harry, Mr Mortimer says,
10:59can you take a bet for 3.30 at Newcastle?
11:03You never get there in time, Mr Mortimer.
11:07Well, isn't the train before midday?
11:10I can't take bets while I'm coughing carriage.
11:15I'm decent.
11:16Tell him I'll ring him back.
11:18He'll ring you back?
11:22Ethel, have you got all the Colfax yet?
11:24How can I when Vera's on the phone?
11:26Hand it over, Vera.
11:30Wilfred, take that book from underneath. It's all wobbly.
11:34You see, make a nice chapel of rest, this would.
11:39All it needs is a nice bit of stained glass in that window.
11:43You want to tell Parking, and if Beeching shuts us down,
11:46it'll come in handy.
11:48Dad, I've got Mr Colfax on the phone.
11:50Come in.
11:53Hello, Fred.
11:54Yeah, I've got a...
11:57..a coffee for you.
11:59Yeah, just a minute.
12:01What's his name?
12:03Buckley.
12:05Buckley, yeah.
12:07B-U-C-K-L.
12:10Oh, er, does it have an E?
12:13No E.
12:15No, no E, it's...
12:17Yeah, yeah, U-C-K-L-Y.
12:21What do you mean he's not booked in?
12:24You're the only one round here, there's an undertaker.
12:27You're the only one round here, there's an undertaker.
12:30All right, then, funeral director.
12:34We'll have another look.
12:38He says he doesn't know anything about it.
12:40I dug a grave for him yesterday.
12:43Raining, it was.
12:45All paddling.
12:47They don't give you a penny extra for when...
12:49All right, you've told us that.
12:52And he says he dug a grave for you yesterday.
12:56He says he filled that one in half an hour ago.
13:02Are you sure?
13:04Oh, now, come on, Fred, don't be like that.
13:07I would just... Fred?
13:10Fred!
13:12He's removed it, he says it's not his.
13:14Perhaps there's some instructions on the consignment note.
13:16You look on the consignment note,
13:18and I'll look in Parking Strait to see if there's anything there about him.
13:21Right, 17's gone,
13:2418's gone,
13:2619... Oh, these have all been collected.
13:29Oh, there's one here for pigeons.
13:31Oh, somebody spilled something over it.
13:34It were me.
13:36And how many times have I told you
13:39not to put mugs down on my papers?
13:42Parking played up something awful about it only yesterday.
13:45That's why I burnt the top one.
13:49You burnt it?
13:51Wilfred, you'll be the death of me.
13:54Oh, there's nothing in there.
13:59Wilfred burnt the consignment note.
14:03He burnt it?
14:05He'll have to go.
14:07No, he won't, he's only a boy, anyone can make a mistake.
14:10If Parking finds out, you'll get your card.
14:14Well, he's not going to find out, is he?
14:17He'll be a bit suspicious when he sees a thumping great coffin on his desk.
14:20We'll have to get rid of it quick, it's got to belong to somebody.
14:23Maybe there's a card inside with an address on it.
14:29Don't be daft.
14:31I'll willingly have an inspection
14:33if someone will give me the necessary screwdriver
14:36so I can open him up.
14:38Oh, don't.
14:40Well, look, we've got to get it out of his office for starters.
14:43Right, well, we could stick it under my signal box.
14:46I don't suppose a chicken's a mind muck.
14:49They can't take it in front of Parking's house, he'll see.
14:52I know, we can take it down the platform.
14:56This is all your fault, Wilfred.
14:58You don't listen, do you hear?
15:00Yes, Mum, I'm sorry.
15:02Right, let's get cracking.
15:04Ethel, stand by to open the door.
15:06Come on, one, two, three, lift.
15:13Right.
15:16Now, easy does it.
15:18Good morning, Mrs Hewman.
15:19Oh, Mr Parking!
15:24We didn't expect you.
15:26Easy does what?
15:28You what?
15:29You said easy does it.
15:31Did I?
15:32Yes. Easy does what?
15:34Oh, it's Tacky. He's doing his daily dozen.
15:37You know, touching his toes. You've got to be careful at his age.
15:40Half a dozen is more than he's capable of.
15:42Excuse me.
15:45It's Parking. He's out there.
15:47What are we going to do?
15:48Take it back. Get rid of him.
15:50How?
15:51Just get rid of him.
15:55Mr Parking, it's, er, it's, er, it's Mrs Skinner.
15:59What about her?
16:00She wants to see you.
16:01Oh, well, I'll pop in in a few minutes.
16:03But it's very urgent.
16:04How do you know?
16:05She said so this morning when I saw her.
16:07Why didn't you tell me?
16:09You weren't here.
16:10Heavens, is she all right?
16:11I don't know. You'd better go and ask her.
16:14May?
16:15Er, Mrs Skinner?
16:18Shall I be a minute?
16:20Just buttering a toasted tea cake.
16:22It's for me.
16:24She's buttering a toasted tea cake.
16:26I should wait. It won't take long.
16:28She doesn't use much butter.
16:37Ah!
16:43You're frightening the life out of me.
16:45Get that thing onto the platform quick.
16:47We can't. The door to the platform's locked.
16:49Parking keeps the key.
16:51Go and ask him for the key, Ethel.
16:52How can I ask him for it?
16:54It were your boy that's got us into this mess.
16:55Go and get the key.
16:58It's all your fault, Milfrey.
17:08Mr Parking, have you got the key to the Yore office from the platform?
17:12Yes, thank you.
17:13Good.
17:18Can I borrow it?
17:19What for?
17:21Well, your office is a bit stuffy.
17:23I want you to wear it a bit.
17:25You know, give you the wind.
17:28I shall open the window.
17:30Good idea.
17:32He won't give it to me.
17:34He said if I want to air the room, I've got to open the window.
17:38What are you talking about?
17:40I don't know.
17:44We could stick the coffin through that window.
17:48Well, do something quick.
17:50He's going to come back in a minute.
17:52Speak of the devil.
17:54Stick the coffin through that window.
17:57Well, do something quick.
17:59He's going to come back in a minute.
18:01Speaking for myself personally,
18:03I would like to open him up.
18:05I'm not illegal, Mum.
18:07Hey, open the window.
18:12Here we are.
18:13Thanks.
18:14And there's your tea.
18:15Thanks, Mrs Skipper.
18:17Morning, Mr Parking.
18:24Thanks.
18:37Hey, what is it?
18:44It's a toasted tea cake.
18:48Do you want one?
18:50Mrs Schuman said it was very urgent.
18:52What was?
18:53She wanted to talk to me.
18:55I don't want to talk to you.
18:57Why? What have I done?
19:00Nothing.
19:12I'll never understand women.
19:17Good morning, Mr Parking.
19:20Good morning, Mr Parking.
19:22Is Mrs Skinner all right?
19:24I think so, Mr Parking.
19:25She seemed strange somehow.
19:27Oh, by the way, Mrs Schuman is quite right.
19:29You mustn't overdo it.
19:30You might strain your back.
19:32At your age, six times is quite enough.
19:37Mrs Schuman, are you sure Mrs Skinner wanted to see me urgently?
19:41I think so.
19:42That's odd.
19:43When I asked her what it was about,
19:44she said she didn't want to talk to me.
19:46Oh, well, perhaps it was one of those days.
19:50You know.
19:53Oh, yes, of course.
19:55We've got you.
19:56Yeah, but can you hold me?
19:58You'll be surprised what he can do.
20:01Six times a day.
20:06I can hear him coming.
20:08Good morning, Mr Parking.
20:10Oh, good morning, Mr Parking.
20:12You won't lock this window at me anymore, now, will you?
20:15No.
20:16What's going on?
20:19Er, I think it's one of those days.
20:23Yes, I've just told him.
20:24Come on.
20:41What's the matter with you?
20:43I'm not quite sure.
20:44He's probably done his beckies.
20:46He's probably done the fronting.
20:48Why don't we put you on that bearer?
20:50Good idea.
20:51We're going to put it on the bearer.
20:53That'll be nice.
21:00Right, one, two, three.
21:06Look at your uniform.
21:08It's a disgrace.
21:09Smart yourself up.
21:11Right, Harry, gentler up.
21:14Oh, no, not too high.
21:18He'll hold it at the bottom like this.
21:24Easy does it.
21:25I'm standing here useless.
21:27What a surprise.
21:29Put a foot on the bottom of the bearer and give us some leverage.
21:32And keep it central.
21:38I think I heard him sliding.
21:41Because he's not head first.
21:43Mind he doesn't see us through the booking office window.
21:52Right, up.
21:55My knees are set.
21:58We can't go all the way to the signal box like this.
22:03Porky's in the office on the phone.
22:06What's going on?
22:07His knees are set.
22:09Give him a lift.
22:10I can't. I've got all the weight.
22:12Wilfred, stop hugging the coffin and give Harry a hand.
22:16Come on.
22:24All right.
22:25Hey, well, I'd better get back.
22:27Right.
22:28Off we go.
22:37Jack.
22:38Have you poured your tea down the sink?
22:40Do you want another or not?
22:41Not just now, Mae, thank you.
22:42Where are you going with that thing?
22:44Harry's box.
22:45What?
22:46Harry's box.
22:47Is it?
22:48Well, nothing like being prepared.
22:53I heard him slide.
22:55Did you?
22:56I was particularly anxious to avoid that.
22:58What do we better do?
23:00Let's tip him up the other way.
23:02On his head?
23:03Only for a little bit.
23:04That seems most disrespectful to me.
23:06It's more disrespectful to have him squatting in there
23:08as though he's having a you know.
23:11Come on, Wilfred, get down.
23:12Put your ear to it.
23:13And when you hear it slither, give us the word.
23:15I've had a nightmare before.
23:17This is the first time I've had a day, Mae.
23:21Jack, Jack.
23:22What?
23:23Parking won't show.
23:24Tell him I'll be five minutes.
23:25No, he wants to see you immediately.
23:28Now, right away.
23:29You'd better come.
23:31Quick.
23:32Well, tip him up the right way
23:34and push him towards the signal box.
23:36I'll be back as soon as I can.
23:38I can't manage this with just me and Wilf.
23:41I'm not an athlete like you.
23:45Do the best you can.
23:52Come.
23:54He's just coming, Mr Parking.
23:56What's he doing?
23:57Well, he's just dealing with a parcel.
24:00It's heavy and rather long.
24:05You wanted to see me, Mr Parking?
24:07Yes, I've just had a call from district office.
24:09Mr Orkindale, the district inspector, will be arriving any minute.
24:12Any minute? There's no train.
24:14He's coming by car.
24:15And they say, have we seen a Mr Buckley?
24:21Buckley.
24:24Buckley?
24:26Ethel, do we know anything about Mr Buckley?
24:29Buckley, Buckley.
24:32The name seems to ring a bell.
24:35Harry, do you know anything about a Mr Buckley?
24:40Buckley? Yeah, he's in the Jets watching.
24:45There's been some sort of mix-up.
24:47He was supposed to go to Hagley, not Hatley.
24:49They're sending transport for him.
24:51Come in.
24:54I've just seen Mr Orkindale get out of his car.
24:57Ah, well, you'd better smarten yourselves up, all of you.
25:04Good morning, Mr Orkindale.
25:06Morning, Mr Parking. Now then, what's going on? Where's Buckley?
25:09He's here, Mr Orkindale. He's just spending a penny.
25:12Spending a penny? He's been dead four days.
25:18Wilfred, how long is it since you cleaned those brasses?
25:23Jack, there's a hearse just drawn up outside.
25:26Lovely it is. All black, with coloured flowers on the top.
25:30Oh, yes, that'll be for Mr Buckley.
25:32We put him in the Jets so the passengers won't see him.
25:36And it's nice and cold.
25:41Mr Orkindale, why don't you and Mr Parking pop into the refreshment room for a cuppa?
25:46Yeah, we'll take care of Mr Buckley.
25:48Yes, Mr Orkindale, come and sit down. I'll make you a fresh pot.
25:52Come on, Harry. We'll let you know when everything's ready, Mr Orkindale.
26:02And this could have been a right British Railways mess-up.
26:05Thanks for sorting it out, Jack.
26:07Don't thank me. Thank Mr Parking.
26:23Well, that's that.
26:28I left £7 of your tomatoes, Harry. The wife wants to make her chutney.
26:32Anytime, Mr Orkindale, anytime.
26:34Jack, this man Parking, he don't seem quite to know what's going on.
26:39He'll be all right.
26:41He'll be all right.
26:43He'll be all right.
26:45He'll be all right.
26:47He'll be all right.
26:49He doesn't seem quite to know what's going on.
26:52He'll be all right. He's new to her, you know.
26:55He'll be all right when he settles in.
26:57I reckon he'll be one of the best station masters I've ever worked under.
27:02Well, let's hope Beachy leaves here to get on with it.
27:05I'll come and fetch them tomatoes.
27:06Ooh, Harry. I can do with a bit of a trim, if you can spare the time.
27:10Anytime, Mr Orkindale, anytime.
27:19Oh, Dr. Beeching, what have you done There once were lots of trains to catch
27:40But soon there will be none I'll have to buy a bike
27:43Cos I can't afford a car Oh, Dr. Beeching, what a naughty man you are
27:49Oh, Dr. Beeching, what have you done There once were lots of trains to catch
27:55But soon there will be none I'll have to buy a bike
27:59Cos I can't afford a car Oh, Dr. Beeching, what a naughty man you are
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