Oh, Doctor Beeching! - 109 [couchtripper][U]
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30Bread out! Bread out!
00:37Good morning, Mr Bagdon. A small tin, please. A crusty one.
00:44Small, crusty tin, coming up. Bread out!
00:49Morning, Mr Bogdan. A large bloomer, please. Mr Skinner will have the same.
00:55Pair of bloomers coming up.
00:58Are you going to the dance tonight? I might.
01:01Oh, good. See you there, then. You might.
01:04I look forward to it.
01:09I'll have a large tin. Do you want a crusty one?
01:13You don't have crusty ones with teeth like mine.
01:17You get sharp plums under them, like chewing a bottle.
01:22Oh, no! Here's a blooming trainer!
01:31Oh, hello, Jack. Morning.
01:33Bad news, isn't it? Beeching, Shutting, Nottingham, Basset.
01:37Pitiful station. Aye, it's a bad job.
01:40What can happen to passengers? Well, that's the problem. There aren't any.
01:45It may not about yet. Just change its sheets. It's not Monday.
01:49Well, you know how fussy she is.
01:51I brought her a cup of tea and she spilled it all over the bed.
01:54Then she said it was my fault for filling the mug too full.
01:58I can't get Jessica going until she's had a cup of tea.
02:01And she's not too lively, even then.
02:06Now, he has been driving me mad. Three days I've had to put up with that.
02:10And it's all because Harry's asked you to play for the dance.
02:14He's been doing that all over the driving cab.
02:17I thought he was going to break the steam gauge.
02:20I told him they're not built to withstand it.
02:25Sorry.
02:26What are you doing, you bampot? What's May going to say?
02:29Does she use bad language?
02:31No. She throws things, like knives.
02:36Jack! What? Gloria didn't come home last night.
02:40What do you mean? Her bed's not been slept in.
02:43Maybe she woke up early and went out.
02:45She wouldn't make a bed, she never does.
02:47And her bicycle's not in the hall.
02:49Isn't it?
02:50You trip over it every day, didn't you notice?
02:52I was thinking about something else. I've got a lot of problems, May.
02:55Jack, what are we going to do? Where could she have gone?
02:58Maybe she went to the pictures.
03:00The longest day's on at the Odeon. Goes on for hours and hours.
03:05She wants to see it all. You want to see how it all turned out.
03:08It's a part of the war. We won.
03:12May, our Wilfrid's bed's not been slept in either.
03:15Do you think they're together?
03:17If he's touched her, I'll kill him.
03:19Shut up, Jack. Our Wilfrid's not like that.
03:21I don't suppose he'd know which bit to touch.
03:25Ouch.
03:26What have I said? Never mind.
03:28Ouch. I've fringed you.
03:30Didn't you hear her come in?
03:32How could I, with you doing all that snoring and things?
03:36It's not like our Gloria.
03:38That's the point. She's never done anything like this before.
03:41Neither has my Wilfrid.
03:43What are you talking about? I found him asleep in my garden one morning.
03:46Yes, but he wasn't with anybody.
03:48How many people can he get under my bush?
03:51Stop going on, you two. We're in enough trouble as it is.
03:54You're right. Did you say anything at tea time?
03:57Well, she said she might go out with her friend Amy.
04:00Amy? Well, she's a right tart to start with.
04:04She's anybody's for a penneth of chips.
04:07There's no cause to say that, Ethel.
04:09She's a nice enough girl underneath it all.
04:11Oh, yeah? And how far underneath have you been, Ferretty?
04:15Now who's going on?
04:17I think we ought to ring the police.
04:19Oh, no.
04:20Well, they might have been run over by a bus.
04:22It's hardly likely. They only go once an hour.
04:25In both directions.
04:27Ethel's right. We should ring the police.
04:30All right. Come on, then.
04:32Well, Mr Aucklander, I reported the matter to your office three days ago
04:36and no action seems to have been taken.
04:39I see.
04:41Oh, well, I expect Mr Skinner will be called in
04:43to see the medical officer very shortly, then.
04:46Yes. Goodbye, Mr Aucklander.
04:51Jack, don't bother about the police station.
04:53This is an emergency. Dial 999.
04:55I'd rather speak to Charlie Cunliffe.
04:57We were at school together.
04:59Oh, he's probably as big a fool as you are. Dial 999.
05:02There's no need to be like that, me.
05:04Now, don't take any notice. We're all under stress.
05:07Now, there's the number. Dial it.
05:11What's all the commotion?
05:13Gloria didn't come home last night.
05:15Jack's gone to the police.
05:16Hello, Charlie. It's Jack Skinner.
05:18Excuse me.
05:20What's going on?
05:21It's quite all right. Gloria was with me last night.
05:24She was what?
05:25Gloria spent the night with me.
05:27I knew we were blaming my Wilfred.
05:30I told you he wasn't like that.
05:32Excuse me, but Gloria wishes it to be known
05:35that she's now in the refreshment room having a cup of tea...
05:38with two lamps.
05:40Gloria?
05:41Now, let's near Settle Parking.
05:43May I suggest you ask Gloria to explain exactly what happened?
05:47Right.
05:50Gloria, I thought something terrible had happened to you.
05:54All right, Mum.
05:55Amy.
05:56Amy.
05:57Amy.
05:58What's Amy doing here?
05:59Sure, me.
06:00Oh, Jack.
06:02I said she was a tart.
06:03Do you mind?
06:04I've a good mind to put you over my knee, my girl, as big as you are.
06:07Oh, Dad, don't be ridiculous.
06:09Don't you call your father ridiculous.
06:11And you lay one finger on our Gloria, I'll crown you.
06:14If there's going to be violence, I shall have to go.
06:16I can't stand it. Never could.
06:19Ever since me father threw me mother in the dustbin.
06:22Head first.
06:24If you'll all calm down a minute, Gloria will explain.
06:27Why Gloria?
06:28It's you that's got the explaining to do.
06:30If you'd let her get her word in edgeways, you'll see the entire business was all your fault.
06:34It's my fault. You've ravished my daughter and it's my fault.
06:37Nobody ravished anybody.
06:39I bet you was disappointed.
06:41Now, that is enough.
06:43Tell them, Gloria.
06:44Well, you see, the picture went on till rather late.
06:46Till 11 o'clock.
06:47Anyway, we popped into the chip shop.
06:49You've no right to go in the chip shop at 11 o'clock at night.
06:52We weren't alone.
06:53Percy the guard was with us.
06:54Well, he would be.
06:56Anywhere where there's a bit of skirt.
06:59Gloria is not a bit of skirt.
07:01I didn't mean her, Mae.
07:03I suppose you meant me.
07:05Please, let Gloria get on.
07:07Well, we had a few laughs.
07:09And when we got back to Amy's place, her father had locked her out.
07:12I don't blame him.
07:13We couldn't wake him. He gets a bit drunk.
07:16I'm not surprised with a daughter like you.
07:19Mrs Schuman, please.
07:21Go on, Gloria.
07:22Anyway, I told Amy she could come back with me and sleep in the parlour.
07:25But when we got back, Dad, you had left the key under the flowerpot.
07:29I expect you forgot.
07:30Well, I can't be expected to remember everything.
07:32So you see, Mr Skinner, it was all your fault.
07:35Oh, no, it's not.
07:36She's no business staying out till that time at night.
07:39We couldn't make either of you hear.
07:41Well, that's because of your snoring.
07:43And things.
07:45I just happened to be glancing out of my window.
07:48Oh, yes.
07:49Expecting to see my wife getting undressed, were you?
07:52I shall ignore that remark.
07:54I could see the girls were stranded. I asked them in.
07:57We made up the fire and they spent the night on my sofa.
08:00And where were you?
08:01In my bed.
08:02He said we could have had the bed, but we didn't like...
08:04Excuse me, but I had placed fragrant, fresh iron sheets there the evening previous.
08:10So you wouldn't have caught anything.
08:13Thank you, Vera.
08:15The point is, Mr Skinner,
08:17if you had exercised proper supervision and control over Gloria like a proper parent,
08:21this would never have happened.
08:24Mr Parkin.
08:26That is the most pompous thing I've ever heard.
08:29Come on, Amy.
08:33My dad's smashing.
08:35And if you were a daughter of your own, you'd understand.
08:40You shouldn't let her speak to me like that.
08:42She's not on your staff. She can say what she likes.
08:45I see.
08:46Well, as far as I'm concerned, the matter is closed.
08:49She shouldn't have said that to him, you know, May.
08:52It were good, though, weren't it?
08:55Yeah, but he's right.
08:57A young girl shouldn't stay out late.
08:59You're too easy with her, May.
09:01Oh, so now it's my fault?
09:03No, we're both too easy with her.
09:05The kids of today, they get no discipline.
09:08Oh, you're not going to go on about putting her across your knee again, are you?
09:11My dad tried that when I was about Gloria's age.
09:14I kicked him.
09:16My dad tried that when I was about Gloria's age.
09:18I kicked him.
09:20But it didn't stop him.
09:21It did where I kicked him.
09:25Well, I think she ought to be made to stop in for the week
09:27and have to be in at six o'clock.
09:29Right. Well, you tell her, then.
09:31All right, I will.
09:36Do you think he'll get round to it?
09:38Will he, Eck?
09:39It's a bad day to start.
09:40It's the dance tonight.
09:41Are you going?
09:42Well, I suppose so.
09:44I'll have to.
09:45Well, Wilfred's playing the guitar in the band.
09:48He only knows four chords, bless him, but...
09:51I don't suppose anybody will notice.
09:53Not these days.
09:56I'm worried sick about him.
09:58Where could he have got to?
10:00My late husband had a Labrador.
10:02He was an engine driver, you know.
10:05What, the Labrador?
10:07No, my late husband.
10:10Now and then, from time to time,
10:12he'd get this faraway look in his eye
10:15and he'd be away for days
10:17until he'd satisfied his yearnings.
10:20What, your husband?
10:22No, the Labrador.
10:26Ethel, your lad's outside.
10:28The cowman's brought him back.
10:30Oh, the poor lad.
10:31Is he all right?
10:32How does he look?
10:33As balmy as ever,
10:34with the light dust in and nutty slack.
10:41Right, thanks, Wilf.
10:43Now, just take a sack of coal to Mr Farkin for his copper, right?
10:46Right, Mr Samways.
10:49And pull.
10:50Wilfred!
10:51Good.
10:52Wilfred!
10:54Wilfred, I have been worried sick.
10:57Where have you been?
10:58I got up early so I could help Mr Samways with his coal.
11:01Don't give me that.
11:03Your business is my business.
11:05I've got to go.
11:08Don't give me that.
11:10Your bed's not been slept in.
11:11I've turned over a new leaf, I made it.
11:13You didn't.
11:14Well, I'm sick of you going on at me like an old fishwife.
11:18Well, what sure is if you talk to me like that?
11:21You can't, I've covered them up.
11:25He's a good lad, Ethel.
11:27Thanks for looking after him, Tom.
11:29You going to the dance tonight?
11:31I might.
11:32See you there, then?
11:33Eh, you might.
11:35I've got a Freddy for you.
11:42I suppose it was too much to expect a carnation for me corsage.
11:46Listen, love, you spread that on your boarders,
11:48you'll be able to fill your house with them.
11:57I brought the shirts for the band, Harry.
11:59Yeah, shove them back on the side there, will you?
12:02I've been thinking.
12:04I could embroider the name of the band on the shirts
12:07in bright, striking colours on the breast,
12:10only it would take up too much cotton.
12:13You need a shorter title.
12:15What's the matter with Harry Lambert and the Rhythm Rascals?
12:18They're short, innit?
12:20Not as short as the Beatles.
12:23No, no, someone's already thought of that.
12:26Anyway, what do I want a change for?
12:28It's taken me ten years to build up my image.
12:31When they see Harry Lambert and the Rhythm Rascals,
12:34they know what to expect.
12:36The same billing, the same music, the same combination.
12:39But during all those years, you've had different rascals.
12:42Yeah, but it's always been me there, though, innit, eh?
12:45The leader, the personality, that's what counts.
12:50Well, don't let your shirts fall on the floor
12:52and get covered in signal box dust.
12:55How much do I owe you?
12:57Oh, you know there's no need to pay me, Harry, not you.
13:00Seven and six.
13:04WHISTLE BLOWS
13:06By the way...
13:09Don't wait back, just take the train out!
13:13Sorry, Mr Skinner.
13:16Ralph! Will you stop playing with your whistle?!
13:22You! Percy!
13:24Hello, gorgeous. Going to the dance tonight?
13:26I might. I'll see you there, then.
13:28You might.
13:30Why can't the men round here make their minds up?
13:36Millie! Millie!
13:39Listen to this.
13:42Dear Mr Skinner,
13:44it has been reported to the district office
13:47that your leg is giving rise to some concern.
13:50You are therefore required to report to the above address
13:53on the 24th of this month.
13:55That's Monday. I've got to report on Monday.
13:58Go on.
13:5924th of this month,
14:01so that I may have an opportunity
14:03of examining the matter yours sincerely.
14:05Who's it from?
14:07Stuart Glead, medical officer.
14:09What do they mean it has been reported to this office?
14:12Who'd make a report about your leg to district office?
14:15That interfering pompous-knit parking.
14:18Well, there's nothing wrong with your leg,
14:20except you don't like going up and down ladders.
14:24Oh, say.
14:25Aye, like a dummy job.
14:27Only because my Wilfred carries all the suitcases and parcels.
14:30Well, it gets a bit stiff at times. I've had it for years.
14:33Ever since me and I first met.
14:35Was it a war wound?
14:37Well, it was in the war.
14:40Oh, fancy.
14:42The men were brave, weren't they?
14:45He got chucked out of a pub.
14:48It didn't happen like that, me.
14:51I was trying to get back in.
14:54The beer was short, you see.
14:56Come to think of it, everything was short.
14:59But I knew they got another half a barrel in the cellar,
15:02so I put my foot in the door. You know how you do.
15:04And the landlord's wife was a great big woman.
15:07Slammed it shut with all her might.
15:10It was agony, I can tell you.
15:12I was excused boots for a month.
15:14The very same thing happened to my husband.
15:16He was in the American forces, so they gave him a purple heart.
15:20This is serious.
15:22Parking could have me off the job.
15:24Really?
15:25Really.
15:27Well, he won't.
15:30I'm going to have a word with him.
15:33In fact, he's going to get a piece of my mind.
15:39I don't think she can spare him.
15:42Jack, ask Vera to look after the refreshment room for me.
15:46I'm just going to pop into Clumberfield for some shopping.
15:49And things.
15:56Mrs Schumann?
15:58I want a word with you.
15:59Very well, sit down.
16:01No, thank you. I'll come straight out with it because I'm like that.
16:07I don't think what you did was very nice.
16:10I see.
16:11In fact, I think it was downright rotten.
16:14Are you suggesting the proper thing to do would have been to leave them out in the cold all night?
16:19What are you talking about?
16:21Gloria and Amy.
16:23Oh, that's all finished with and forgotten.
16:25Then what are you talking about?
16:27You reported Jack's bad leg to district office, didn't you?
16:31I'm sorry, I can't discuss that. It's British Railway's business.
16:34You know it's a war wound, don't you?
16:37Received while he was fighting tooth and nail to defend democracy against the forces of darkness.
16:43I beg your pardon?
16:45He was defending the forces of darkness tooth and nail against...
16:48Oh, I'm not saying all that again.
16:51It's a war wound.
16:53That's not what I was led to believe.
16:55It's true.
16:57It was in the trenches and these Germans were all coming at him with pansy tanks.
17:04I understood his foot got stuck in a door.
17:07That's right, the door of a German pansy tank.
17:12The door's on top.
17:14What was his foot doing up there?
17:17Well, er, it jumped on it.
17:20To shove a landmine down inside.
17:23And this big German stamped on his foot.
17:26I see.
17:28Well, I'm sure this will all be taken into account when the matter is considered.
17:31So you admit you reported him?
17:33Mrs Schumann!
17:35I am responsible for this station.
17:37Dr Beeching is tearing up lines all around us.
17:40I can't allow the smallest detail to cast a shadow over our efficiency.
17:44It's more than my job is worth.
17:46I see.
17:51I think you're the most horrible man I've ever met.
18:02What's the matter, Mum?
18:04I'm a fool, Wilfred. A silly fool.
18:08Now then, it catches up with me.
18:31It's pathetic.
18:51Years ago it was back, now look at it.
18:53I blame television.
18:56Who wants to come and listen to Harry Lambert and his rhythm rascals
18:59when you can stop at home and watch Panorama?
19:02I don't know, which would I choose?
19:04Harry Lambert.
19:07Oh, look at Parkin over there with Vera.
19:10I wonder he's got the nerve to come after what he's done to you.
19:13I expect Vera's the only one that'll talk to him.
19:19He just smiled at me.
19:21I wouldn't dance with him for all the tea in China.
19:24I don't suppose he'll ask you?
19:30Look at Percy with that girl.
19:32Hugging her tight like that.
19:34It's not decent.
19:36Not that she minds.
19:43Oh, she's a tot.
19:49Oh, here's Tom and Andy.
19:51Oh, they're alive and well.
19:53Hello, Tom.
19:55Hello, Andy.
19:57Hello, Tom. Hello, Andy.
19:59Hi.
20:01I bet when they've had a few, they'll dance me off my feet.
20:05Ethel's trying a bit hard tonight, isn't she?
20:08I wonder what she looks like near Spectre.
20:11Just about the same, I expect.
20:14Two pints, please, ma'am.
20:16What's happened to May and Gloria?
20:18May was late back. I expect them to titivate on themselves.
20:21They take hours.
20:23I used to be like that. I don't bother now.
20:26I just do me eyebrows, me eyeliner,
20:29and I put mascara on me eyelashes.
20:31I think black eyelashes are very enhancing to a woman's beauty, don't you?
20:35Oh, yes, definitely.
20:37Your left one's coming unstuck.
20:39LAUGHTER
20:53APPLAUSE
20:55Thank you, thank you.
20:59Now, why don't we all loosen up and shake a leg or two, eh?
21:05Oh, all right, then.
21:07We'll bring our repertoire up to date.
21:10Let's twist!
21:13Oh, up to date? That was 1958.
21:27Oh, come on, let's give it a go.
21:35LAUGHTER
21:47Oh, that's enough. No, I've got a stench.
21:50And I'm just having an ordinary heart attack.
21:55Do you fancy a dance?
21:57She's having this one with St John's Ambulance.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:11How do I look?
22:13Smashing. Dad'll be proud of you.
22:15Oh, I wouldn't be so sure of that.
22:17Now, listen, when we go in there, you ought to go straight to parking and say you're sorry.
22:21Oh, Mum, it's so embarrassing.
22:23You'll say you're sorry or you'll go straight back home now. Now, promise me.
22:27I'm right, I promise.
22:29But it was being rotten to Dad.
22:31Oh, never mind that. Come on.
22:35APPLAUSE
22:39Hey, you look as beautiful as ever.
22:42Oh, very nice of you to say so, I'm sure.
22:45Gloria?
22:47Mr Parkin, I'm very sorry I was rude to you.
22:50I shouldn't have said what I did say and, well, I'm sorry.
22:54That's quite all right, Gloria. You were just sticking up for your father.
22:58I hope a daughter of mine will do the same.
23:01May I have this dance?
23:03Well, um...
23:05I'm not so sure that would be a good idea under the circumstances.
23:08But Gloria would love to dance with you, wouldn't you, Gloria?
23:11Why not?
23:13I'll try not to dance pompously.
23:21What have you went to dance with him for?
23:23Oh, he asked, Jack. It's not polite to refuse.
23:25You haven't learnt to be polite, Julie.
23:27Yes, we do, Jack. It's called diplomacy.
23:30Diplomacy, my Aunt Fanny tried to get me the sack over me foot.
23:33You've got to stop worrying about that, Jack.
23:35You exaggerate that limp, you know you do.
23:38Rubbish.
23:39It's true, Jack.
23:41You do it so that my Wilfred will carry all the cases.
23:45I have a feeling everything's going to be all right.
23:49Now, be a good, loving husband and dance with your wife.
23:55And no limping.
24:00Oh, isn't that nice?
24:02Yes.
24:03Oh, and look, he's hardly limping at all.
24:06Come on, Ethel, your turn.
24:09Oh, blimey, two miracles in one night.
24:12Hold me tight.
24:14Oh, I've got a choice.
24:20Oh, I've got a choice.
24:22Oh, I've got a choice.
24:24Oh, I've got a choice.
24:26Oh, I've got a choice.
24:28Oh, I've got a choice.
24:59Come on, Ethel, it's half past ten.
25:01It's time we were opening up.
25:03I'm just watering me pansies.
25:05There's a bit left.
25:06Do you want it?
25:07Yeah.
25:08There you go.
25:12Hello, Mr Oakendale.
25:13What brings you out here on a Sunday morning?
25:15Mr Oakendale was just passing and he thought he'd drop in.
25:18I was talking to Dr Glead about Jack's leg.
25:21I hadn't noticed anything myself.
25:23Has it been playing your part?
25:25I hadn't noticed anything myself.
25:27Has it been playing your part, Jack?
25:29My leg?
25:30Oh, no, no.
25:32It's hardly worth mentioning.
25:34Let's have a look at it then.
25:36Show us how you walk.
25:38What, now?
25:39Just walk towards the station, Mr Skinner.
25:43Walk towards the station?
25:44Just a few paces.
25:56HE WHISTLES
26:02You look after your box, Harry.
26:10Carry on, Mr Skinner.
26:18That's not much of a limp, is it, Mr Parkin?
26:22Er, no, not much of a limp, Mr Oakendale.
26:27More like a hiccup.
26:30You're right, Ethel.
26:32I don't think we need to trouble Dr Glead about that, do you, Mr Parkin?
26:37Er, no, I suppose not.
26:40He's a good man, is Jack.
26:42I've known him for years.
26:43And his wife.
26:45Oh, really?
26:46Oh, years and years.
26:48She's a wonderful woman.
26:51A very wonderful woman.
27:01Oh, I'd better go and tell Jack before he gets to Nottingham, that's it!
27:05Jack!
27:06Jack!
27:08Jack!
27:21APPLAUSE
27:30Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?
27:33There once were lots of trains to catch, but soon there will be none.
27:37I like to buy a bike, but I can't afford a car.
27:41Oh, Dr Beeching, what a naughty man you are.
27:45Oh, Dr Beeching, what have you done?
27:49There once were lots of trains to catch, but soon there will be none.
27:53I like to buy a bike, but I can't afford a car.
27:57Oh, Dr Beeching, what a naughty man you are.