Frasier Season 4 Episode 8 Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven
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00:00Look, we had an agreement. We went to see a movie I wanted to see, so I was supposed
00:06to pay for the tickets.
00:07Very well, Dad. The next time we go to see a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, not only may
00:12you pay for the tickets, but also for the wild horses it will take to drag me there.
00:18Well, I'm only mad because we had an agreement. Now, a man's supposed to honor his agreements.
00:24Didn't you learn anything from that movie?
00:26Yes, only the bullets are useless against a man who can kick really hard.
00:33Now, look, I'm serious about this. Once in a while, I'd like to pay.
00:38Okay.
00:39Okay, so the next time we go anywhere, it's on me. Have I made my point?
00:42Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety that Mr. Van Damme displayed when he
00:46jet-packed into the Vatican to subdue that nasty old pope imposter.
00:51Like you saw that coming.
00:54Well, Maris has finally deigned to call me back after I've left no fewer than 20 messages.
01:01Honestly, Niall, by calling her so many times, you give her all the power. You're
01:06much better off coming from a position of strength.
01:09Don't pour that sherry on your shirt. It will stain.
01:13What?
01:14I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other
01:17patently obvious advice.
01:20I had to call Maris.
01:22You know that party I'm throwing for my country club friends?
01:25Oh, yes, the one I wasn't invited to, but my Waterford Punchbowl was.
01:29Yes, well, Maris has chosen the exact same night to throw a party of her own.
01:34Well, couldn't you ask her to postpone?
01:35I tried. She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
01:41Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium.
01:45Well, you can see my problem. We're going to be competing now for which friends go to which party.
01:51You know, Niall, as for a separated couple still hoping to reconcile,
01:56I'm afraid you're going down a path that...
01:58You shouldn't wear that tie with that jacket.
02:03Oh, I see. Is that your clever way of telling me that I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?
02:07That, too.
02:08Hello, boys.
02:09Hello, Dr. Jaffney.
02:10Hey, Dr. Craig. Will you be joining us for dinner?
02:14What a nice invitation. I'd love to.
02:16Well, then, you're in for a treat.
02:19I've decided to make Grammy Moon's famous Sheep's Head Stew.
02:24Oh, don't worry. The name's a bit misleading. It's actually more of a soup.
02:29You actually use a real sheep's head?
02:31Oh, you have to. It's right in here.
02:34Oh, my God. I just remembered. We have reservations at Lucy Gobble all tonight.
02:39Oh, my God, you're right.
02:40Oh, jeez, that's a night I nearly forgot.
02:43You're going, too, Mr. Craig.
02:45Well, I promised the boys. I don't see why I shouldn't.
02:49Oh, I see.
02:50Well, then, you're in for a treat.
02:51Oh, jeez, that's a night I nearly forgot.
02:53You're going, too, Mr. Craig.
02:55Well, I promised the boys. I don't suppose there's any way you guys would let me out of this.
03:00Well, you promised, didn't you?
03:02Well, you see, I tried.
03:06Have fun. I'm off to stick my head in the oven.
03:16Hello? Marshall?
03:18Yeah.
03:18I got rid of them.
03:21You bring some wine, and I'll throw the steaks some.
03:26Oh, dear Lord, it's rather busy. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
03:30Ah, Francois.
03:32Ah, Dr. Craig, bonsoir.
03:34Ah, bonsoir.
03:36Dr. Craig, bonsoir.
03:38Bonsoir.
03:40Oh, and this is our father, Martin Craig.
03:42Ah, Monsieur Craig.
03:44How you doing?
03:46How you doing?
03:48How you doing?
03:50How you doing?
03:52How you doing?
03:54Enchanté.
03:56Francois, I'm afraid we're at your mercy tonight.
04:00You see, we have no reservation.
04:02Oh, la, la, la, la, la, Dr. Crane.
04:04I will see what I can do.
04:06Oh, thank you. Anything would be just fine.
04:08You know, come to think of it,
04:10we haven't been here since Chef Joachim had his pinky grafted back on.
04:14Ah, oh, then this is your first time seeing our new artwork.
04:20Here's my own discovery.
04:23His name is Cordoba.
04:25Exquisite.
04:27Stunning.
04:29By God, I don't think I've ever seen such fearless use of color.
04:33You know, as usual,
04:35your taste is as fine as your cuisine.
04:39Any luck?
04:41For you, yes. For Dr. Dubin, who brings his own wine, no.
04:45Good man.
04:47Monsieur, follow me, please.
04:49Merci bien.
04:52You guys go ahead.
04:54I've got to make a little visit to Le Cam.
05:00Le menu.
05:02I will be back with the wine list, monsieur.
05:06Wine list?
05:08My God, you ought to bring us blindfolds.
05:12I mean, what is he thinking with this artwork?
05:16It's appalling.
05:19It said art in restaurants is on the same level with food in museums.
05:23Well, little white lies one will tell for a good table.
05:27Of course, I would compliment a black velvet Elvis right now
05:31if Chef Joachim's lobster confit were at stake.
05:37Frasier, that's Winship Cook.
05:39She's one of the guests Maris and I are competing over for our parties.
05:43Going to go woo her.
05:46Why don't you just reschedule your party?
05:48Because I don't want to give Maris the satisfaction
05:50she's pushed me around long enough.
05:52Metaphorically, of course.
05:54In reality, she can hardly push at all.
05:58It's that terrible afternoon last spring
06:00she spent trapped in the revolving door at Bergdorf's.
06:06I hope there's something in there you like
06:08because dinner's on me tonight.
06:10What do you mean, Dad?
06:12We had an agreement. Next time we went out, it was my treat.
06:14Yes, Dad, but when I said that, what I meant was...
06:16Hup! We're not discussing it.
06:18Yes, but, Dad, it's rather pricey.
06:20Hup! You promised.
06:22I just don't think...
06:24Hup!
06:26All right. All right. You treat.
06:28Thank you. Now, don't worry about it.
06:30Just order whatever you want.
06:34Is this per person?
06:38Do I listen, Doctor?
06:40Thank you. Thank you, Francois.
06:43I don't believe we'll be having any wine tonight.
06:45And I'm going out
06:47for a big Mac after work.
06:51I'm really being quite serious.
06:53You see, my brother and I are watching our caloric intake.
06:55Tonight, we'll be eating light.
06:57As you wish, Doctor.
07:01I know what you're doing, you know.
07:03I'm not stupid.
07:05What are you talking about?
07:07You're eating light? All the way over here,
07:09you had the same look on your face that Eddie gets
07:12Look, Dad,
07:14it's just that I'm not that comfortable
07:16ordering an expensive meal
07:18when you're paying.
07:20Well, what's the big deal?
07:22You take me to places like this all the time.
07:24I can afford it.
07:26I'm sorry.
07:28I didn't mean that the way it sounded.
07:30I know how you feel.
07:32No, you don't.
07:34You're always paying for me,
07:36and I'm never allowed to pay for you.
07:38Well, it feels pretty lousy.
07:41Dad.
07:43Well, the good news is,
07:45Winship has agreed to come to my parking.
07:47The bad news is, I left my wallet at home.
07:49So, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.
07:51Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
07:53No, you ruined it. I'm not paying.
07:55Well, I'm not paying.
07:57Well, I can't pay.
08:01So, that would be three happy meals to go.
08:04No, we never suspected a thing.
08:06Yes.
08:08I had a great time, too.
08:10Oh, go on, Marshall.
08:12Say it again.
08:16Now, say it how you said it last night,
08:18like Donald Duck.
08:22Well, I guess it was the wine
08:24that made it funny.
08:26Well, I guess it was the wine
08:28that made it funny.
08:30They're back.
08:32Yeah, I'll see you tonight.
08:34Bye.
08:36Oh, hello, Daphne.
08:38Daphne?
08:40Will you be favouring us with any English delicacies tonight?
08:42Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
08:44The butcher had some lovely calve stomachs,
08:46so I'm going to try my hand at haggis.
08:50Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep
08:52that woman's cooking down.
08:56Hello?
08:58Ah, Winship.
09:00So looking forward
09:02to seeing you at the party.
09:04Oh, how dreadful.
09:06Oh, you poor thing.
09:08No, of course I understand.
09:10The important thing
09:12is that you get better.
09:14You are a dear for calling.
09:16You lying, two-faced cow.
09:22So, she's not really sick?
09:25Oh, hardly.
09:27Maris is luring away all my confirmed guests.
09:29Suddenly there are accidents,
09:31deaths in the family.
09:33A wave of misfortune is sweeping
09:35through society's blue bloods
09:37at a rate unprecedented since the French Revolution.
09:41Oh, great, you're back.
09:43Hey, listen.
09:45How about last night at the restaurant?
09:47I'm really sorry.
09:49Oh, no, no, no, Dad.
09:51Look, it was my fault.
09:54You know, I just really wanted
09:56to do something nice for you.
09:58You know, the older you get,
10:00the harder it is to do stuff
10:02for your kids.
10:04I understand.
10:06I tell you what,
10:08next three dinners, they're on you.
10:10No, no, no.
10:12I found something better than that.
10:14I finally found something
10:16I know you're gonna like.
10:18Now, just a minute.
10:20Oh, this is gonna be so great.
10:23Here you go.
10:39It's a Cordoba.
10:43Olé.
10:45Yeah, you guys
10:47were raving about these paintings last night,
10:49so I went down to the restaurant this morning
10:52to find out why they got theirs,
10:54and lucky me, the ones they had
10:56were for sale.
10:58Oh, Dad, this is awfully, awfully...
11:00Expensive.
11:02Yeah, yeah, but it's worth it.
11:04You know, you don't know
11:06how good this makes me feel.
11:08After I'm gone,
11:10this'll still be here.
11:14Hey, Dad, come here.
11:16Take a look at this.
11:18Wow, I'm very impressed, Mr. Crane.
11:20When did you have the time to do that?
11:24Oh, sure,
11:26like I could paint something like this.
11:28You know, I was thinking
11:30maybe we could
11:32put it over the fireplace.
11:34Yes, yes, the fireplace.
11:36That's the first place I thought of, too.
11:44And lately,
11:46I've had the chronic fluctuating mood disturbances
11:49that would indicate cyclothymic disorder.
11:51I mean, hypomanic symptoms
11:53are there, and yet I've experienced moments
11:55of aphasia and aproxia,
11:57and I just want to pull my teeth out, Dr. Crane.
11:59What do you think?
12:01Well, Greg,
12:03two possible diagnoses
12:05come to mind.
12:07Either you are seriously mentally ill,
12:09and you should be institutionalized
12:11immediately, or
12:13you are a first-year
12:15psychology student.
12:18Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm at UW.
12:20Yes, well, it's not uncommon for students to feel
12:22that they're manifesting
12:24symptoms that they are studying.
12:26It'll pass.
12:28What do I do till it passes?
12:30Oh, just relax.
12:32Oh, it might be a good idea to
12:34postpone reading about male sexual disorder
12:36until after spring break.
12:42That's all the time we have for today.
12:44This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780.
12:48Good show.
12:50Oh, thanks, Rose.
12:52Hey, Rose, I'm busy after work.
12:54Would you like to maybe get a drink or something?
12:56Maybe see a movie?
12:58You pick, I'll pay.
13:00You can stay out as late
13:02as you want, but eventually you're going to have
13:04to go home, and that painting will still
13:06be there.
13:10You have to tell him.
13:12I can't, Rose.
13:14You didn't see the look on his face when he gave it to me.
13:17Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo collection?
13:19Oh, yes, many times.
13:21The hell I have. Shut up and listen.
13:23One Christmas,
13:25my grandma sent me a ceramic hippo.
13:27Rose, a hippo cannot
13:29possibly be as repellent
13:31as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull.
13:35Was the bull wearing a pork pie hat
13:37and fishing off a dock?
13:41Continue.
13:43Okay. I made the mistake of telling her
13:46how much I loved it.
13:48Well, that just opened the floodgates.
13:50I got ice-skating hippos and hula-hooping hippos.
13:52Thank God for that earthquake.
13:58Oh, you mean they broke?
14:00Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the garbage chute.
14:04But I blamed it on the earthquake.
14:06And the point is
14:08you need to talk to your father now
14:10and be honest with him.
14:12Or you're going to be stuck with that thing
14:14like a natural disaster.
14:16Oh, you're right, Rose.
14:18Okay, so I'll just have to
14:20tell him this afternoon.
14:22Oh, Rose,
14:24the crystal vase I gave you
14:26three years ago for Christmas,
14:28you said that was broken in the earthquake.
14:30Oh, no, no, no, that really was.
14:32And I was very disappointed.
14:34As disappointed as you were
14:36when Eddie chewed up that sweater
14:38I gave you for Christmas.
14:41This year, liquor?
14:43Deal.
14:53Oh, hi, Dad.
14:55Hey, Ferris.
14:57You know, Dad,
14:59I was just down in the storefront
15:01putting away some boxes.
15:03Guess what I came across?
15:05That, uh,
15:07that smoking jacket I gave you
15:10for Christmas last year.
15:12The shiny one?
15:14Not shiny. That's silk.
15:18Boy, I really missed the boat
15:20on that one, didn't I?
15:22Buying things for other people,
15:24it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?
15:26Yeah.
15:28Hey, uh, you want some pastrami?
15:30There's some more in the fridge.
15:32Oh, no, no, thanks, Dad.
15:34I don't really care for pastrami.
15:36Isn't that funny?
15:39People have different tastes, you know.
15:41Yeah, well,
15:43that's one way of looking at it.
15:45Some people like pastrami, like me.
15:47Other people don't. They're nuts.
15:53Oh, afternoon.
15:55Hi, Niles.
15:57Dad, uh, Frasier, I'm here to pick up the punch bowl
15:59for my party.
16:01Although at this point a soup bowl might suffice.
16:09Thanks to Maris,
16:11I'm down to three confirmed guests.
16:13Three? Yesterday it was 12, wasn't it?
16:15She's circulating a vicious
16:17rumor that I'm going to have a karaoke machine.
16:19Oh.
16:21You know,
16:23this vindictive behavior of Maris'
16:25is completely out of line.
16:27You know, if you don't want to continue
16:29with it, you really should call her
16:31on the phone, confront her.
16:33You're
16:35absolutely right.
16:38It's time I took the bull by the horns.
16:44Sorry.
16:46Maris,
16:48Niles,
16:50you may feel you've triumphed,
16:52but all you've done is shown yourself
16:54to be petty and uncivil.
16:56Frankly,
16:58the only people lower than you
17:00are the fickle paramecia
17:02that deserted my party
17:04to attend yours.
17:06Uh-huh. Oh, I see.
17:08Very well. Yes.
17:10I'll see you at eight. Can I bring anything?
17:20Thank God for the starch, you know,
17:22or there'd be nothing holding you upright.
17:28Hey, Niles.
17:30Here.
17:33Well, what's that?
17:35It's a wine rack.
17:37Really? Yeah.
17:39I felt kind of bad about
17:41giving Frasier something and nothing for you,
17:43so I saw the prize posters.
17:45Oh.
17:47Well,
17:49thank you for the thought, Dad,
17:51but it doesn't really fit in
17:53with the decor of my apartment.
17:55Oh. Oh, okay.
17:57Well, no harm done. I'll take it back.
17:59Anybody want a beer?
18:02No, thanks.
18:04Oh, thanks, Dad.
18:06Frasier,
18:08I no longer require your punch bowl,
18:10but may I borrow your blow dryer?
18:12Of course. Why?
18:14Sven just finished Marissa's ice sculpture,
18:16and she's convinced that she looks a bit hippie.
18:22Dad,
18:24are you sure
18:26Niles didn't just hurt your feelings now?
18:28No, no.
18:31I mean, I don't want to give him something he doesn't like.
18:33That's very wise.
18:35You know, it's important
18:37for fathers and sons to be honest
18:39with each other. It shows respect.
18:43You know, I've been thinking, Dad,
18:45about the painting.
18:47You know, art, it's such a personal thing.
18:49I mean, what one person may like,
18:51another may not. It doesn't mean that
18:53one of them is right and the other is wrong.
18:55You're telling me you don't like the painting?
18:57Well, it's not that I don't like it.
19:00I don't love it.
19:02It's not me.
19:04Not a problem.
19:06If you don't like it, I'll take it back.
19:08Oh, thank God, Dad. Thank you.
19:10That's such a relief.
19:12You know, I was up half the night
19:14worried about it, and I just...
19:16Dad, are you all right?
19:18Oh, I didn't upset you, did I?
19:22My God, Dad, are you crying?
19:24Oh, no.
19:26Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
19:28I just saw you wipe your eyes.
19:30No, I didn't. Just quit looking at me.
19:32Dad.
19:34Oh, my God.
19:38I made my father cry.
19:40Dad, don't you start.
19:42I'm only crying because you're crying.
19:44I'm not crying.
19:46I don't know what this is.
19:48I didn't even cry when I got shot.
19:52I didn't cry when I got shot, either.
19:55Get rid of that dead painting right now.
19:57I just wish I knew
19:59why you told the waiter
20:01you loved it so much.
20:03I wasn't lying to him.
20:05You can lie to him,
20:07but you can't lie to me.
20:09Please. Please stop crying.
20:11I want to keep it now.
20:13No, it's no good.
20:15No, no, it is good. It's very good.
20:17I love it.
20:19Well, I found the...
20:25Dad, are you crying?
20:31Frasier, what happened?
20:33Oh, my God, you're crying, too.
20:37Why is everybody crying?
20:41You know how I get when other people cry.
20:43Tell me what happened.
20:45I made our father cry.
20:47I'm not crying.
20:49You're a liar.
20:51I'm the most ungrateful son there is.
20:54I could never do anything for my son.
20:58No one wants to come to my party.
21:14Dad.
21:16Frasier?
21:18You think we ought to talk about
21:20what happened this afternoon?
21:23Nothing happened this afternoon.
21:25Look, Dad,
21:27I know you're disappointed
21:29about the painting.
21:31That's not a problem.
21:33Well, look, you said to yourself
21:35that it wasn't as easy for you
21:37to give me things as it was
21:39when I was a kid.
21:41Yeah, well, I wasn't very good
21:43at it then, either.
21:45Your mother always picked
21:47all your stuff out.
21:49Still, you did put a roof
21:52over your head.
21:54Well, we'll talk about this.
21:56We'll talk about it.
22:04Do people ever come up to you
22:06after they've met me and say,
22:08how can that guy be your father?
22:10He's nothing like you?
22:12Well...
22:14Because they've been saying that
22:16to me about you for the last 40 years.
22:22I've finally given you something.
22:24Something you like.
22:26Something we both like.
22:28We had something in common
22:30or something.
22:34That's no big deal.
22:36I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
22:38Dad, Dad, just hang on a second,
22:40will you?
22:42Remember a time
22:44when I was
22:46oh, six or seven years old
22:48and you were
22:50getting ready for work
22:52and you were getting dressed
22:54and I was
22:56playing with your badge
23:00and you sat me down
23:02and you said that it was not a toy.
23:06That it was a symbol of something
23:08very important.
23:10Of integrity
23:12and honesty
23:14and helping people.
23:16Well,
23:18from then on
23:20every time I'd see you put on that badge
23:22I would
23:24I would think of that.
23:30You said it so you'd
23:32stop playing with the damn thing.
23:34You were getting it all sticky.
23:36You'll be that as it may.
23:42I've tried to live up
23:44to your example
23:46and help other people.
23:50I've tried as a psychiatrist
23:52to
23:54conduct myself
23:56with the same integrity that you showed
23:58as a police officer
24:00and when I find myself
24:02in a quandary as to
24:04the proper course of action
24:08I think of you wearing that badge
24:10and then
24:12I know what I have to do.
24:16You gave me that.
24:20Yeah.
24:22Yeah, I did.
24:26Thanks.
24:28You know,
24:32I think I may have
24:34something else to give you.
24:36Something that
24:38I know you
24:40really like.
24:42I'll be back
24:44in a minute.
25:08I've been holding on to this
25:10for quite a while now.
25:12Waiting for the right time.
25:20My goodness, Dad.
25:24I'm speechless.
25:26It's your bed.
25:30It's a little low tide.
25:39They gave it to your grandfather
25:41when he retired from the force.
25:43When I graduated from the academy
25:45he gave it to me and
25:47now I'm giving it to you and someday
25:49you'll give it to Frederick.
25:52Well,
25:54I don't know what to say.
25:56You're not going to start crying again, are you?
25:58No, no, no.
26:00It's just a surprise,
26:02that's all.
26:08Hey, wait a minute.
26:10You didn't think I was going to give you
26:12my badge, did you?
26:14Well, I...
26:16My badge? That's a laugh.
26:18You'll have to pry that out
26:20of my cold, dead hands.
26:26It's a date.
26:32Hey, baby,
26:34I hear the blues are calling.
26:36Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:40Oh, my.
26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:44Well, maybe.
26:46But I got you pegged.
26:50But I don't know what to do
26:52with those tossed salads
26:54and scrambled eggs.
26:58They're calling again.
27:00Good night, Seattle.
27:02We love you.
27:06Bye.