being mad that my husband thinks I tricked him with our child's birth certificate
being mad that my husband thinks I tricked him with our child's birth certificate
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00:00I want to give some backstory to explain where I am coming from and why this situation is
00:04so hurtful for me.
00:06My husband and I come from similar backgrounds, our families were paycheck to paycheck and
00:11not many went to college.
00:13We both have degrees and make significantly more than the rest of our respective families.
00:18When we got married, I was already a homeowner of a small house and had a car.
00:23My husband, however, had a lot of debt and his credit was trash.
00:28It wasn't his fault, he had significant student loans and had frequently had to help his family
00:33members with money.
00:35He also has ADHD and had mishandled some bills.
00:38I was understanding of his situation, but I was also anxious to help him get debt free
00:43so we can have kids without such burdens over us.
00:46He was making 80k and I was making 100k.
00:50He moved in with me and we split expenses 50 to 50 except that he didn't have to pay
00:54any rent.
00:56I fully covered the mortgage and home insurance since he's not on the deed and I also paid
01:01extra into his debt so he can pay it off early.
01:04His car loan is in my name and I also cover half of that.
01:08I do IT technical support and I got the opportunity to take a job that required 50% travel but
01:14paid a lot more.
01:15We together decided that I'd do this job for a few years to significantly shore up
01:20our savings and pay off a good portion of the debt.
01:23I did this job for a little over 2 years till I got pregnant and then took a lower
01:27paying job, 120k now, which doesn't require travel.
01:32The travel job paid more but it was so hard on me.
01:35I was traveling to the back ends of small towns where the big warehouses and data centers
01:40are located and the job is physically demanding, pulling cables, moving equipment, working
01:46in very cold conditions.
01:48I was miserable in this job and ended up with some back problems but it was a sacrifice
01:53for our family.
01:54When I was 8 months pregnant my husband asked for a paternity test.
01:59It came out of nowhere and I asked him if he didn't trust me and he said he did but
02:03because I did so much travel he just needed some assurance for his peace of mind.
02:08He said his family and friends have asked him how he could be so sure of this pregnancy
02:12when I have been out of home for so many nights.
02:15It really broke my heart that I did so much for this man and didn't try to protect my
02:19assets or my money and he treats me like this.
02:23I got very hormonal and cried about it so he stopped pressuring me then.
02:27Now our son is 3 months old and he's back at it again.
02:31He's put his foot down that I need to have the paternity test done and he won't sign
02:35the birth certificate otherwise.
02:37I told him his name is already on the BC because we are married and I did the paperwork before
02:42they discharged us at the hospital.
02:45He didn't realize that would be the case and is furious at me thinking that I tricked
02:48him so here I am stuck married to a man who not only doesn't love me or trust me but
02:54is an idiot.
02:55His family is calling me and pressuring me to let him do the test.
02:59My family is offended on my behalf but some mutual friends are saying a test is not a
03:03big deal but it is such a slap in the face after all I have done for him.
03:08Am I wrong for how I am feeling?
03:11NTA.
03:13How about you tell him that you'll get the paternity test but in exchange, you want him
03:18to sign a post-nup that protects your assets and finances so he's not entitled to half
03:23in the event of a divorce?
03:25I fear that this isn't the end and he's only going to get worse.
03:29For example, he may get proof that he's the father but he may not let go of the idea that
03:34you may have cheated while traveling and he'll continue to baselessly accuse you.
03:39Part 2.
03:40NTA and frankly you are asking the wrong question.
03:44You should be asking why you're still with this manipulative leech.
03:48He has been successfully taking advantage of you and now claiming you cheated.
03:53Please see a lawyer and a therapist and figure out how to best move forward.
03:58This is just terrible.
03:59I don't understand why you're not outraged and pissed like your family.
04:06I, F48, husband, M46, and I have a 20-year-old daughter, Ellie, who is currently on vacation
04:14from college.
04:16About 5 months or so ago, Ellie told us that she had a new boyfriend, who I'll call Tom.
04:22This came rather out of the blue as Ellie hadn't mentioned seeing anyone or that she
04:26was dating, but both my husband and I were supportive and happy for her.
04:30However, Ellie was strangely secretive about the whole situation.
04:35Usually, she's an open book, especially with me, and would always share details of her
04:40personal life.
04:41On this occasion, she wouldn't show any pictures, and we knew next to no information about Tom,
04:47other than that they met at a party through a mutual friend.
04:51Ellie spent the past month of her vacation in her college town and the plan was always
04:55for her to come back this weekend.
04:58Ellie asked if she could bring Tom with her for a few days of the trip as they were getting
05:02serious, and she wanted him to meet us.
05:05Although we mentioned that we knew barely anything about him, Ellie expressed that it
05:09would be a surprise and that we'd love him.
05:11Given he's clearly an important part of our daughter's life, we agreed and said we'd look
05:16forward to spending the weekend together.
05:19Yesterday morning, we went to pick up Ellie and Tom from the airport to drive them to
05:23our place and we were shocked.
05:26We knew instantly that Tom was much older than Ellie and he certainly wasn't a college
05:30student.
05:31I was just in a state of surprise but didn't want to cause a scene, and told my husband
05:36to do the same.
05:38We drove home but it was a frosty journey, which Ellie commented on.
05:42When we arrived, my husband point blank asked Tom how old he was.
05:47Tom said he was 44.
05:49I was immediately disgusted.
05:52He's only two years younger than my husband and old enough to be Ellie's father.
05:56My husband continued to interrogate him, asking how they met and the whole background.
06:02Ellie explained that it was at a party and Tom was there because he's well known around
06:06the town and they realized they had a lot in common and hit it off from there.
06:10I really didn't want to hear any more, and my husband told Tom to leave.
06:15Ellie shouted and said how unfair this was and we hadn't even given Tom a chance and
06:20that he made her happy.
06:22Tom could sense the tension so left and Ellie followed behind him.
06:27I texted Ellie to tell her we'd love to see her and to come over to discuss the situation.
06:32She asked if Tom was welcome, and I said he wasn't.
06:35Therefore, after labeling me a judgmental a-hole, she told me she wasn't coming and
06:40that they would be staying at a local hotel and catching up with friends.
06:45I feel terrible about the whole situation and don't want to lose my daughter over it.
06:50My husband isn't budging and says he'd have to be held back if he ever saw that man again,
06:55Point 1.
06:56Play the long game here.
06:58Best story I have heard, the dad befriended the guy.
07:02They talked about stuff relevant to their age group, did dad-aged stuff together, talked
07:07about things like insurance and retirement and house payments, went out to eat at boring
07:12grown-up places instead of sports bars, and just generally acted like middle-aged men.
07:18She realized she was basically dating her father, they had almost nothing in common,
07:23and broke up.
07:25Point 2.
07:26I was your daughter once.
07:28Nearly same age gap with the guy I was dating.
07:31The absolute best thing my parents did was keep the lines of communication open between
07:36us, because as the guy started to systematically cut me off from all the other people in my
07:41life, when I finally went to cut bait it was my parents who stepped out to catch me.
07:47Comment 3.
07:48I was hoping to find someone else in the daughter's shoes.
07:52My parents' open disagreement with my decision made it easier for me to lie to them to avoid
07:57their disappointment.
07:59That said, I give them credit that they emphasized that they were there for me, and it got better
08:03when my mom started letting me vent judgment free.
08:07I knew the stupid, immature, hurtful things he said and did with me were just that, but
08:12my mom listened and didn't judge.
08:15Honestly, the shame of telling someone was eventually enough for me to realize how crazy
08:19our relationship was.
08:24My 50F, 10 and 13 years old children are at their dad's, 52M, for the summer.
08:31We divorced 10 years ago and he remarried almost immediately.
08:36She was the affair.
08:37After some counseling, we co-parent pretty well, most of the time, but my ex's wife,
08:4332F, I'll call her Becky, is just a bit much.
08:47I really try to like her, but she talks a lot, is very opinionated and has a tendency
08:52to interfere with our parenting agreements.
08:55She'll cause delays in pick-up times and phone calls, by hiding their phone, she's tried
09:00to get them to refer to her as mom and last week, she took them to a theme park that my
09:05husband and I had already made plans and bought the tickets to take them to, when we came
09:10down, next week to visit.
09:12My dad was unaware that she was planning it, as he was out of town, on business, that
09:17day.
09:18I was very upset, but I let it go, once my ex and I spoke about it.
09:23He assured it wouldn't happen again.
09:26Two days ago, my son called to ask me some personal questions as they wanted to look
09:31up my family history on an ancestry site.
09:34I told him to wait and we would do that together, when he came home.
09:38I had signed up for a genealogy site, a few months ago, to help my mom.
09:43I signed in, today and found two family matches, in the town that my ex lives in.
09:49Becky did exactly what I asked her not to do.
09:53We had previously discussed social media and computer access, and I was very explicit that
09:59I didn't want my kids' info out there.
10:02When I called her, at first, she denied it, but after I pressed, she admitted that she
10:07did and didn't think it was a big deal.
10:10It is to me.
10:111.
10:12My wishes were completely ignored.
10:152.
10:16There are things in my family's past that, while I am not a part of and it can't be changed,
10:21I feel like I should have had the chance to prepare them for, with the nuance it deserves.
10:26My great-grandfather was not a good person.
10:29I really blew up and told her that she is only their stepmother.
10:33They are not her children and she has no right to stick her nose into our affairs.
10:38I know I said some pretty vicious things, that truly escape me, but my Fs were all gone.
10:44Of course, she cried to my ex, who called me and yelled at me for upsetting Becky.
10:49I told him that I was not going to deal with her, anymore, that all communication will
10:54only be between him and me and to have the kids' stuff packed up and ready to go home,
10:59when we came next week, as they will not be back for a while.
11:02Our visitation schedule is very flexible, but I am the primary parent and have the final
11:07say.
11:08My ex said that I was being stupid and over-dramatic.
11:12My kids are upset that Becky is upset and are telling me that I am being unnecessarily
11:17mean.
11:18My husband is rightfully staying out of it, but has said I should let it go, as she's
11:22just too dumb to understand what she did.
11:25Am I being unreasonable?
11:27Comment 1, NTA, but hubby is kind of right.
11:31Becky is getting the sympathy, she doesn't deserve.
11:34You need to tell ex, the next time Becky hides their phones, will be the last time Becky
11:39gets to see your kids.
11:41Just wait until she is either pregnant or your ex cheats on her.
11:45Comment 2, NTA, it's weird enough that Becky started dating a married man twice her age.
11:52It's even weirder that she's not trying to parent your children.
11:56Someone needs to step off or it sounds like your ex is going to lose access to his kids.
12:02Up to him to choose but based on the fact that he blew up your family for an affair
12:06I don't have much faith in him choosing his children over her.
12:10Comment 3, NTA and you need to watch Becky closely if you allow her back into your children's
12:16lives because your kids shouldn't be put in the middle, and she is obviously venting to
12:20your children about what is going on between you.
12:24But right there would be a huge red flag for me, as she could be trying to alienate you
12:28from your kids.
12:32My M42 sister-in-law, 33, recently started selling burgers on Saturdays.
12:40She works a 9 to 5 Monday to Friday office job with a good salary, but she recently discovered
12:45she is pregnant with her ex's baby, he is no longer in the picture, so she is selling
12:50burgers for extra income.
12:52Now, every Saturday my wife, 40, buys burgers for our family, 3 kids, 12, 10 and 8.
13:00My issue is that my sil sells every burger for $9.
13:04So 5 burgers is $45.
13:07The burgers are tasty, don't get me wrong, but she is using my mother-in-law recipe,
13:12that my wife also knows, so I don't see why we should spend $45 weekly on burgers when
13:18my wife can make identical ones at home and we would spend less money on ingredients.
13:24To be clear, technically we can afford sister-in-law's burger comfortably, I just don't see why we
13:29should when there are cheaper options.
13:32I try to talk about it with my wife as she said she mostly buys because she wants to
13:36support her sister.
13:38I told her it's not our job to support her sister, besides as I said the burgers are
13:42tasty and every weekend they are sold out in a couple of hours, so I don't think losing
13:47our 5 burgers would put a dent in her business.
13:50Yesterday I told my wife again we shouldn't buy burgers, and she asked me why I cared
13:55if she was buying them from her money, not our money, we have each in a Kooten, and one
14:00joint account.
14:01I told her it's not about that, I just don't think it's sensible to spend $45 every weekend
14:07on burgers when she already knows the recipe.
14:10She said she will be spending $36 then, because she won't be buying mine anymore if it bothered
14:15me so much.
14:17That's exactly what she did, she bought burgers for our kids and her, and didn't buy one for
14:22me, which ok, anyway I got a Big Mac for cheaper.
14:26So I thought we were ok, but she has been acting as if she is mad at me since yesterday.
14:32I fail to see why she is mad.
14:34Comment 1.
14:35YTA, your money is not involved in any way, your sister is pregnant and the daddy's not
14:41in the picture, can you look at that with a bit of sympathy for her situation?
14:45She's not asking slash begging for extra money, she's working and this is a way your
14:50wife can help her out without treating her like a charity case, and everyone likes the
14:54tasty burgers.
14:56Comment 2.
14:57YTA, if you were just a super frugal guy, I'd maybe vote nah, but you want a McDonald's,
15:03a Big Mac is like $6, and that goes to a huge multinational corporation, a homemade burger
15:09is $9, and that goes to a struggling single mother, you're getting bent out of shape over
15:14$3 that you admit you can afford, that you're not even paying for anyway, and that buys
15:19a higher quality item, I can think of no way that you aren't a controlling ah in this situation.
15:25Comment 3.
15:26Why did you buy a Big Mac when you could have just made yourself a burger at home, it's
15:30not your job to support McDonald's, besides they sell over 2 million burgers a day so
15:35I don't think losing your one burger would put a dent in their business.
15:38YTA.
15:40Comment 4.
15:43I, 29F, wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching
15:49for a long time and wanted to treat myself.
15:53My husband, 35M, suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewelry store and
15:58they'd offer me a good deal.
16:01That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them, they live in another state, I went by
16:06their store and had a look at what they had in stock.
16:09I decided on a piece but didn't take it right away, as I needed to withdraw some cash.
16:15A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his mom about me but couldn't hear what
16:20it was about, context info, there had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling
16:25to find a job and I wanted to know if that's what it was about.
16:29I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said nothing but I got the
16:34feeling he felt caught out.
16:36Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it.
16:40I said I was happy to buy it for myself but he insisted and said he'd sort it out.
16:46I was thankful and said okay.
16:48Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give
16:53it to me later, maybe my birthday.
16:56I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and
17:00that's what I would've done he hadn't bought it.
17:03He said he paid for it, and that was a nice thing for him to do.
17:07I agreed, but said if he kept it, then it felt like he took it from me, and was making
17:12me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself.
17:16We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but
17:20I said I didn't even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think
17:25about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined.
17:29He accused me of being ungrateful.
17:32We recounted this story to his friends, I don't have many friends as we moved here recently,
17:37and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy, but I feel like if
17:41he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then
17:46it's not fair to make me wait months for it.
17:49Comment 1.
17:50N.T.A.
17:51I find the ones saying Y.T.A. so strange.
17:55It feels like a weird power play by your husband.
17:58I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have
18:02my so tell me, they would buy it for me then refuse to give it to me.
18:06Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride.
18:12Comment 2.
18:14N.T.A.
18:15He started moving the goalposts.
18:18You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his grand gesture and bought
18:22it for you.
18:24This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I'll give
18:28it to you for your birthday.
18:30My suggestion?
18:31Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it
18:36right away.