being tough on my sister when she told me her stepkids but especially her stepson ruined her experience of having her children
being tough on my sister when she told me her stepkids but especially her stepson ruined her experience of having her children
Transcript
00:00My sister Martina, 34F, started dating her husband Kyle, 36M, 5 years ago.
00:07Kyle lost his first wife a year before they met and within another year she had met his two kids with his first wife.
00:14Her stepson was 7 at the time and her stepdaughter was 4.
00:18They found out they were expecting a baby together 6 months later and her stepson had a very rough time with the news.
00:25But her stepdaughter also reacted, though she and Kyle believed her stepdaughter copied her brother more than anything.
00:33Her stepson said he didn't want them to have a baby, he said some hurtful things to Martina, he cried a lot and didn't want to celebrate with them.
00:41The kids were placed in therapy but it wasn't an overnight fix.
00:45And then when she was pregnant for a second time her stepson reacted with more sadness and her stepdaughter reacted with some anger.
00:52It wasn't as bad.
00:54And the hurtful comments weren't made the second time.
00:57But neither kid was happy about it.
00:59Martina and Kyle got married after the birth of their first child and before she was pregnant with their second.
01:06Things are in no way perfect with them all today.
01:08And Martina expressed to me recently a lot of bitterness toward the kids for ruining her experience of having kids with their reactions.
01:16She said she felt it was so unfair that they never showed excitement or happiness about their two younger siblings.
01:23She said her stepson acting sad both times pissed her off because he got help and he still acted like his mom had just died and like they were doing something wrong by having children and getting married.
01:34She said he has never been the big brother to them that he is to his full sister.
01:38Where I might be the asshole is I told her that no matter how she felt, those kids lost their mom.
01:44And her stepson especially remembered their mom and had a lot of change in two years.
01:49I told her she can feel upset.
01:52But those kids had no say in this stuff.
01:54I told her she's the adult and she shouldn't have let that resentment build so much.
01:59She told me the tough love act is cruel and I should be supportive.
02:03Comment 1
02:05NTA those poor kids have been through hell and it seems that dad was more interested in moving on than investing in his children.
02:13While people say kids are resilient, I don't think that is so much the case.
02:18Kids internalize what they can't vocalize and it comes out in many forms.
02:23The SS is both sad and angry and hurt that his father didn't mourn his mom the way he was and quickly replaced her with another, and then there were babies, to a young mind, that would or could be seen as replacement children.
02:35Your sister needs to stop thinking about what she lost or missed out on and start attending to all the children.
02:42OP comment
02:44The other thing is, from what my brother has said, the anger from my sister's stepdaughter also comes from the fact her mom isn't talked about anymore unless it's from her brother.
02:54Kyle talked about her up until a certain point but then it seems he stopped.
02:59Which hasn't helped either.
03:01Comment 2
03:03NTA
03:04Two little kids can't ruin her experience as a mother unless she lets them.
03:09And the kids are even less responsible for their feelings than she is for hers, but you are right that as the adult she should have the tools to deal with hers.
03:17It's possible family counseling could have helped them, maybe still could, but it isn't going to suddenly and magically create warm sibling feelings among them all and she's overdue to let that fantasy go.
03:29Comment 3
03:31My mother-in-law is currently going through a health scare and is being tested for cancer.
03:37She won't have her results for a week or so.
03:40But since the mention of cancer, my mother-in-law has been clinging to my husband fiercely.
03:45She has been asking him to go over there every day for the past three weeks just to hang out with her because she might not have much time left.
03:53She's been having him drive her to every doctor's appointment.
03:57She's even jumped the gun and quit her job to sit at home and work on her health, which is fine, but what's not fine is her already asking my husband if she can borrow money.
04:07Thankfully he hasn't given her anything, I would know, as I work our finances.
04:12Anyways, there have been multiple times in the past three weeks that my husband has run late for special events, work, etc. because he's overhelping his mother.
04:22And as much as I hate to admit it, it has been the cause of three pretty significant fights recently.
04:28His argument is that he wants to spend time with his mother because life is short and where she may have cancer, he's not doing so well mentally.
04:36And I get that. But he's severely impacting me by doing so.
04:41Like I missed an important ultrasound because mommy dearest needed him, because she was having a panic attack.
04:47He did try rushing home and he got me to my appointment, but I was 15 minutes late and therefore they needed to reschedule.
04:54Well, yesterday around 10am I told my husband I felt like I was going to go into labor soon.
05:00My body felt different and there was a lot more pressure.
05:04But roughly two hours later his mother calls and says that she is, pee, shitting blood and needs to be rushed to the emergency room.
05:13Instead of calling an ambulance she called my husband, she has Medicaid so ambulance rides aren't something she has to pay for.
05:20He immediately rushed to her side. My water breaks at 1.36pm. I remain calm. I was already having a home birth.
05:30My midwife was on her way. I knew everything would be okay. But I did call my husband. No answer.
05:38I then text my husband and I asked him where he was. No response. I text again and ask him how long he will be, no response.
05:47I text a third and final time, saying I kind of need you ducking home, no response. I have the baby without him.
05:55I did not tell him anything about me being in labor. I have our daughter at 3.13pm.
06:02I text my husband a picture of our daughter, with no context.
06:06He is home within a half hour is pissed at me for not sending him a text specifically stating that my water had broken
06:13and I find out that he had been sitting in his truck in the parking lot, waiting for his mother outside,
06:18so he had his phone and got my texts but he was stressing and figured it was yet another false alarm.
06:24I had three false alarms. He says I'm in the wrong. I'm choosing to ignore his anger, as I have bigger things to worry about,
06:32my perfect daughter, but now that I've had her, I do feel a bit of guilt, his mom is fine.
06:38It was a bleeding hemorrhoid, which she has a history of apparently from what my husband just told me
06:43so she was likely fully aware that it was her hemorrhoid again.
06:46Comment 1. Just tell him life is short, and he has to decide if he wants to miss any more milestones in your daughter's life.
06:54It's up to him. You're not going to wait on him to pencil you and the baby into a little slot in his very busy schedule.
07:02TBH, he knew his mom wasn't dying at that moment, and he did know there was a possibility of you being in labor,
07:09where you could have legit died leaving your newborn home with just your midwife.
07:13I'd be out, sorry.
07:15Comment 2. NTA. I get it that his mother might be sick but his wife is nine months pregnant.
07:23He showed you who is more important to him. His mommy. Not his wife and future child. Believe him.
07:31Lots of people have cancer and it is a terrible disease but they don't need constant help like this from their son.
07:38Let's also not forget she hasn't even been diagnosed yet.
07:42You need to seriously consider your future with this man, if you can even call him that.
07:47Comment 3. 100% NTA.
07:51As scary as cancer is, I have seen way too many mothers who absolutely needed their sons away from their spouses
07:58and came up with all sorts of medical issues, which turned out to be no issues after all.
08:04His mother is not dying, there are no results and yet the husband acts like the mother could die any minute.
08:10He makes it clear who his priority is.
08:13Do you want your child to grow up in a family that allows and excuses this behavior?
08:18If he can't, or doesn't want to, set boundaries with his mother you have to set some for yourself.
08:24Take care of yourself and your child and do what's best for both of you.
08:29Comment 4. 17M.
08:33I'm 17M, the second youngest in my family.
08:37I have two sisters and a brother, Jesse, 23F, Caden, 21M, and Luna, 14F.
08:45This post is about Luna.
08:47We're the only two siblings still living at home and our parents do provide us with food and stuff.
08:53But my parents aren't big on chocolate or candies so they never buy them.
08:58We can buy our own with our own money once we're old enough to earn some, which is what I do.
09:03My parents also have a very bland palate.
09:06They don't like curries or stir fries with sauce, they don't do anything spicy at all.
09:12Not even a touch of spice.
09:14But I love those things.
09:16So sometimes I buy stuff to make those things and make curry for myself or I'll make spicy chicken.
09:22So on to Luna.
09:24She's the baby of the family and our parents spoiled her way more than the rest of us.
09:29They let her get away with being a brat to people and she's not someone I like being around and neither do our older siblings.
09:36She always wants to tell us what to do and she demands things.
09:40One time my parents were away at a wedding and Jesse and Caden came home to babysit which was just my parents saying they could stay at the house and eat for free because they paid for it and make sure Luna and I were okay.
09:53This was last year and Luna screamed so loud the neighbor came out to see if we were okay and it was all because she wanted pizza while we wanted ramen.
10:02Luna said we couldn't have ramen and we all needed to get pizza.
10:07She tried taking the money out of Jesse's hand.
10:10She tried to break Jesse and Caden's phones.
10:13She even screamed at the neighbor that we wouldn't let her get pizza.
10:17Caden found a frozen pizza and Luna screamed more that it wasn't what she wanted.
10:23Another time Caden was home from college and she demanded he take her to her friend's house because mom and dad weren't home.
10:30She pulled him out of bed.
10:32She threatened to break his laptop.
10:34Everything.
10:36She's always telling me to do stuff for her and screaming when I say no.
10:40So I never buy her anything from what I earn because I honestly don't feel like she deserves it.
10:46Lately she's been getting so jealous of the food I buy myself and she told me to save some for her.
10:52I told her no.
10:54She told me I can't tell her no and I said I can and I did and I'll do it again.
10:59She screamed into my face and demanded I give her some of my food.
11:03I said no.
11:05She has food in the fridge.
11:07She ran and told our parents and like they always do, they backed her and told me I should be willing to share.
11:13I told them I would share when she treats me better and gets a way better attitude.
11:18My parents and Luna, RP Luna called me a jerk and my parents said I wasn't being generous like they taught me to be, comment 1.
11:26Of course you're NTA.
11:28Your parents sound like they are living with their head firmly up their asses though.
11:33Have you or any of your older siblings tried flipping the script on Luna?
11:37Like demand something of her and get up in her face screaming the demand?
11:41Threatening to break her stuff?
11:43I wonder how she and parents would react to that?
11:46Comment 2.
11:48Has anyone told your parents straight?
11:51If Luna was a decent person in any way I'd be happy to share.
11:55She's not.
11:57She's a violent, manipulative bully who screams, threatens and has toddler tantrums when she doesn't get exactly what she wants when she wants.
12:05Life is going to hand her some shocking lessons when she leaves home and finds out the world doesn't bow down to her like her parents do.
12:13You have created a monster who is going to have a miserable, friendless life unless you start telling her no.
12:19Comment 3.
12:21You should tell your parents that if they taught female Dudley to be less demanding and wholly unreasonable then you could be more generous.
12:28If three-third siblings find their daughter intolerable, what is that saying about that kid?
12:34They need a reality check and I forbid you to share with her until you genuinely want to do so.
12:40N.T.A.
12:44For context, I, 28F, have a brother, 25M, and he and his wife, 25F, had twin boys about a year ago.
12:53The twins were unexpected but even so, I would say they transitioned relatively smoothly into parenthood.
13:00My brother and his wife were both able to take time away from work to raise the twins.
13:05While my sister-in-law was able to stay home, my brother had to return to work since they weren't expecting two babies.
13:12This and the fact that my sister-in-law wasn't working led to her eventually going back to work early as well, which left them the issue of child care.
13:22My brother and Syl both work hard and money was really tight for them, so they asked if I could take care of the babies a few days per week so they could cut down on costs.
13:31I am fortunate enough to work from home most days and live alone, so I agreed because it felt like it was something I could do for them and bond with the babies.
13:40We have had this arrangement going on since my brother and Syl returned to work and it was fine at first.
13:46Work was relatively slow and I was happy to spend time with my nephews.
13:51However, taking care of them has created a strain not only on myself but my bank account as well, since they are growing.
13:58My brother and Syl often work late, meaning I am feeding them dinner and taking care of them well into the evening.
14:05I haven't put up much of a fuss because and I haven't been charging them because of their financial situation.
14:11However, work has progressively been getting more busy and has started to take more attention from me.
14:17I was also recently offered a higher position in the company, but it would require me to work fully in person.
14:24Today, while I was with my brother, I told him about my promotion and that I would not be able to take care of the twins anymore.
14:32He freaked out and called me a terrible sister, saying that I was abandoning my family.
14:38I wasn't really able to explain myself further because he left in a hurry all angry.
14:43A couple hours ago, I received some really nasty messages from my Syl and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for choosing work over family.
14:54My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile.
14:59I know if I stop helping with child care, my brother's family will suffer, so now I'm rethinking my decision.
15:05Comment 1.
15:07Please don't.
15:08He's incredibly selfish and ungrateful.
15:11He's had free child care and what, expected you to give up your life and dreams and future for his children?
15:18Those kids have two parents who decided to bring them into this world and are responsible for them.
15:24Not you.
15:25You've done them an enormous favor and they have decided to berate you and call you names.
15:30I'm disgusted with them.
15:32Please don't give up your promotion.
15:34Please don't let them browbeat you into being their slave labor.
15:38N.T.A.
15:39Comment 2.
15:41N.T.A.
15:42You absolutely should not and cannot sacrifice your career to take care of someone else's children.
15:48You've done far too much already in actually having them for so much time and absorbing the extra costs.
15:55You tell them that as of X date, you will no longer be available to provide child care
16:00and make sure you leave earlier than expected to go into work for the first week or two in case they try to dump them on you.
16:07The fact that they are complaining when they should be blessing and thanking you for the major help is a red flag.
16:13They sound ungrateful and awful.