kicking my step daughter out
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00:00My husband and I are happily married and have one child together.
00:04He has one daughter from a previous relationship.
00:07We get along great with his ex and her husband.
00:10They weren't together long as they were lifelong friends
00:13who briefly tried dating and realized they were better as friends
00:17even after the birth of their daughter.
00:19Everyone gets along with the exception of their daughter
00:22who really doesn't get along with anyone.
00:24She stayed with her aunt and when she left a couple weeks later
00:28her cousin had to start therapy.
00:30The aunt went low contact with all of us.
00:33Her grandmother stopped having her for more than a couple days
00:36because her blood pressure can't take it.
00:39She's been in therapy, asked if something has happened to her
00:42but she is just defiant.
00:44She has been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder.
00:48Her mother and stepfather have started therapy
00:51because of the constant stress of having her around.
00:54We told them that of course we would have her stay with us.
00:57It's been miserable.
00:58She goes out of her way to do the opposite of what anyone asks her to do.
01:02Refuses to do basic chores i.e. picking up her own trash and dirty clothes.
01:07We gave her the household chore of vacuuming once a day
01:10in the three rooms that have carpet.
01:12It takes maybe 15 minutes.
01:14We found out she traded.
01:16Our son then complained when she was caught that it wasn't fair
01:19he got the easier job of watering two plants.
01:22We told her that not only is he only 8 years old
01:25but he is developmentally delayed and has muscular dystrophy
01:29and can barely push the vacuum.
01:31Not only that but he's nonverbal and couldn't tell her no.
01:35He just did as he was told.
01:37The last straw was when I went into her room to put clothes away
01:40and noticed her pile of leftover food and wrappers.
01:43I.D. told her multiple times it needed thrown away.
01:47I decided to do it that time because it was starting to mold
01:50and she would lose food in her room privileges.
01:53I picked it up and there were a couple roaches.
01:55We called an exterminator and he said
01:58they were only in her room and we were lucky to find it early
02:01and it most likely happened because instead of throwing her trash away
02:05she just threw it out the window and left the window open.
02:08My husband says we shouldn't have kicked her out
02:11because now resents us and feels like we are giving up on her.
02:14I said I understood that as a parent
02:16but at what point does she have to stop making all of us miserable?
02:20Besides I think the best thing is to finally make her take some responsibility for herself
02:24and despite efforts with therapy, attempted quality time,
02:28punishments, encouragements, he is just enabling her at this point.
02:33Ultimately, I purchased the house prior to marriage and it's still in my name.
02:37I refuse to have my son live with someone who will take advantage of him
02:41and live in a house with roaches and mold.
02:44My husband and I are starting therapy soon for ourselves as well because of this
02:48and she is staying with this second friend because the first made her leave.
02:52Comment 1. My son has ODD. It was difficult when he was younger.
02:57As he got older he began to be able to regulate his responses.
03:01He learned to ask himself am I really angry about X or is it just my ODD telling me that?
03:07While he can still struggle with it he also makes a conscious decision to relax.
03:12I can see him physically let it go.
03:14He learned through therapy and maturity to better regulate his.
03:18Your step-daughter is making conscious decisions to not throw the trash away,
03:23not do chores, to be mean and ugly.
03:26Is it harder to not jump to resistance if one has ODD?
03:29Yes, it is.
03:31But if she had been in therapy she should have learned her triggers and tips on controlling her reactions.
03:37She is choosing to act the way she acts.
03:40Comment 2.
03:42First, parenting makes mortals of us all and I don't wish pairing that role with ODD,
03:47especially if the child in question is related by marriage.
03:51Second, I don't know enough about ODD to judge whether or not your expectations matched her capacity.
03:57It feels unfair that she's been bounced around so much
04:01as I imagine the changes made it difficult for her to make use of the tools she would have received.
04:07I'm curious how familiar each of the responsible family members were with ODD and what they needed to do.
04:13But, your SD is an adult and, while she became part of your family when you married her dad,
04:19she's of age to be on her own.
04:21As such, NTA.
04:23I hope she finds her way.
04:28I28F bought my house five years ago.
04:31I got an inheritance from my great-aunt who passed away and has no children.
04:36I was also saving for a home at the time and was able to buy a house with 20% down and pay off all my student loans.
04:44So I'm very grateful to her for that.
04:46I bought a very small house on a big lot which was pretty affordable back in the day
04:51as everyone wanted a big house and didn't care as much about the backyard space.
04:56My BF31M and I moved in together a year ago and he pays rent to me
05:01but it's much lower than he would pay if he rented elsewhere.
05:04He began complaining about how I ran my house like that I hang up my laundry outside on clotheslines
05:10and also because I tore out the grass in my front yard to make a wildflower garden and clover lawn.
05:16I don't know why he has opinions about what the lawn is made of but he complains it looks ghetto.
05:22It's not even obstructing his hobbies, he doesn't even hang out outside.
05:26The big arguments came recently from me getting chickens.
05:30My city has a backyard chicken program where they grant permits for people to have backyard chickens.
05:36I got my permit after applying for three years straight and began looking to get chickens.
05:41I spent last summer building a coop.
05:44My BF knows how to use tools but refused to help saying it will make the house look like a barnyard.
05:50So I did it myself and now he is complaining he moved in with me to live in a house not a farm.
05:56He claims the chickens will be disgusting but our neighbor got the permit last year and has chickens
06:01but there is no weird smells or sounds coming from them.
06:04Last night I finally got the four heritage breed chickens I was looking for and told him
06:09and he yelled at me for not listening to him.
06:12I was sick of this and told him to move out since he can't stand to live in a house with chickens in the backyard
06:18and he got all quiet and proceeded to ignore me today.
06:21I'm starting to think he wants to move out but doesn't want to deal with the high rent elsewhere.
06:26He is always telling me because he pays rent he should get a say.
06:30A R T A for telling him to move out because he won't let me do as I want on my own property?
06:36My house is finally looking like the house of my dreams and I put work in every weekend to do it all myself.
06:43I feel like he is now intruding on my paradise and being super critical of everything has me wanting him to leave.
06:49Comment 1. He doesn't get a say as he pays a piddly amount of money to live there
06:54but doesn't sound like he contributes to the upkeep of the house.
06:57Granted I'm only seeing this small sliver of your relationship
07:01but it really doesn't seem like you two are all that compatible.
07:05You're doing things to help the environment while saving money in the process
07:09eggs, lower utilities by hanging clothes outside, etc.
07:13and he does nothing but insult you about it and get angry.
07:16Trust your gut. He does want to move out but doesn't want to pay higher rent elsewhere.
07:22Comment 2. At this point, break up with him because if he can't stand how you run your house
07:29how can you two be together in the long run?
07:31To me, it sounds like he just wants to have some sort of say or be included in decisions like a couple normally would.
07:38If you think about it, if the roles were reversed, it would be kind of shitty of him to say it's his house
07:44and you don't get a say because you only pay so little money.
07:47That's not how couples work, there should be some compromise.
07:51But at the end of the day, it's your house, your relationship, and you're going to do what you're going to do.
07:57Hope it gets better.
07:59Comment 3. NTA I had a live NBF in my house who paid well below the market rent.
08:06As time went on he started making changes in my house without asking, broke family heirlooms
08:12and then say well you shouldn't have put it there. It only got worse over time.
08:17Give him 30 days notice, change the locks and count your blessings.
08:21Comment 4. I, 20F, have a college roommate Michelle, 34F, who I share summer housing with in our university's dorms.
08:32Michelle is super sweet to me and despite our age gap we get along really nicely.
08:37It's a great dorm situation and I think Michelle sees me as a little sister.
08:42I mostly like to cook my meals in our dorm kitchen but sometimes I treat myself to eating out.
08:48This is where the problem started.
08:50A lot of the time, Michelle will join me to eat out, either because she's free and I want company when my friends are busy
08:58or because she invited me somewhere and I was free to come along.
09:01Lately, Michelle had been showering me in extra attention and even paying for most of my meals when we eat out.
09:08She's super generous with her money but has no job and is completely reliant on her parents.
09:14I always told her that it was fine and that I could pay for myself but she always refused.
09:19One day we went out to eat at a slightly nicer sushi restaurant to celebrate being done with midterms.
09:26To put it as politely as possible, Michelle is a bigger girl so she ordered dumpling appetizers, five sushi rolls, and a drink.
09:34She usually orders two to three meals per restaurant we go to.
09:38I got one sushi roll and water because it was $1.10-$1.17 a roll and I'm not a big eater.
09:45When we were halfway through the meal, Michelle suggests that it's my turn to pay for both our meals.
09:51I say, what do you mean? We never set up any kind of agreement.
09:56She got really upset, claiming that she paid for all my other meals and it was my turn to pay her back now.
10:03I told her I'm grateful that she was generous enough to pay for my other meals but I didn't know there was an expectation to return the favor,
10:10especially because she ordered disproportionately more food than me and I couldn't afford that much for one meal.
10:17Michelle got pissed and said something about how your parents are so rich you can afford anything and how one meal won't break my bank.
10:25It's true that my parents are paying for my college expenses and I'm eternally grateful that I won't end up with any debt,
10:31but they give me a strict monthly budget that covers my groceries and gas.
10:36All the money I use to treat myself comes from my summer job.
10:40I told her that and she went silent for the rest of the meal.
10:43When we were finished, I made sure to ask for separate checks and she hasn't said a word to me since.
10:49I'm really worried that this caused a rift in our friendship, maybe I was being unreasonable and I should have just paid for her meal.
10:56Comment 1. She set you up. She paid for your meals out a few times and I bet you those meals were very equal and much cheaper.
11:06She saw her time to spread on you when she paid. Probably over $100 for her meal and yours was $20.
11:13So she was trying to save money and stick it to you a little bit. He did nothing wrong.
11:19Work this out cuz eventually it will work out. And from now on either say no. When you go out or split the bill every time.
11:28Don't let her pay for you. You don't have to pay for her and everybody's same.
11:33If you find out that it's an equal meal and you want to be generous thing, you can pay.
11:38Comment 2. NTA. She was playing the long game thinking that you were naive and wouldn't be able to stand up to her.
11:47Good on you for setting her straight. You owe her nothing and this should be your big red flag that a friendship with her will be more trouble than it's worth.
11:55Stop interacting with her.
11:57Comment 3. NTA. While this may genuinely cause a rift in your friendship it would be entirely on her end.
12:05You cannot spring the now is your turn on someone when turns were never discussed, especially springing this at the end of a meal.
12:12Things like this are reasons why I always try to pay anyway to avoid this exact thing.
12:18I don't think you did anything wrong, so I hope she'll get over it and realize she is in the wrong on this one.
12:24Comment 4. NTA. I am 22m going on 23, in my fifth year of my undergrad, and my family likes to do long vacations every summer in their camper.
12:36They were traveling all summer and we met up with them, and from the moment we met up with them my dad especially has not talked to me or been very nice towards me.
12:45He had his own share of stuff that happened on the trip with his truck which is what I initially thought the issue was.
12:52After a few nights my mom brought up how they wanted to renovate their basement into a one-bedroom apartment, partly so I can move in without rent, partly to raise the value of their house.
13:03This year I had many problems with apartments, having to move three times because of roommates, ex-girlfriends, and or landlord issues,
13:11which led to my parents trying to convince me it would be best for me to move into their basement.
13:16With my financial issues, they pitched it as a way for me to save money and stress.
13:21My brother has been following every piece of advice they give him and he is obviously favored because of this,
13:27on top of his major being one that will start higher than I will probably ever end up with, I'm going to be a music teacher.
13:34I also had gotten caught smoking weed a few years ago which I still do and don't tell them,
13:39but I feel like if I tell them anything about my life it immediately is followed by advice I didn't ask for or an opinion I didn't ask for.
13:47I told my family I didn't want to move into their basement because of the amount of fighting that happens whenever we live together,
13:54on top of me wanting to live independently as I feel like I've always been reliant on my parents and in their shadows.
14:00My dad was my high school science teacher so I never felt like I was able to fully define who I was in school cause of that.
14:07Another major issue we had back in the day.
14:10Long story short, now my parents thinks I'm being stupid for not doing the more financially smart thing and moving back in with them,
14:18when I have a full time job as a manager of a restaurant on top of going to school.
14:22It's stressful but not as bad for my mental health as me living with them full time.
14:27I'm in a bit of credit card debt that nothing a few months of work couldn't fix.
14:32Now I just feel like no matter what I say to them I will be the arsehole of the family for not taking their charity
14:38when I just want to live my own life and figure out who I am outside of them.
14:42They still so things like track my phone and refuse to let me have my own bank account, and are still trying to pay for my school,
14:49but I feel like no matter what I do from here I will be the arsehole if I don't follow their advice.
14:55Comment 1. NTA but I'm struggling to understand something.
15:00If you are living on your own and paying your own bills, why are you letting them run your life?
15:05And they can pit in an apartment and raise the value of their house without you living there.
15:10Unless you're expected to pay for this renovation.
15:13Per your other comments, what are you paying them for anyway?
15:17My advice, take 360 off your phone, now.
15:22Open your own account today and transfer all your money to it.
15:26Just because your parents say you can't transfer money to them doesn't make it so.
15:31Comment 2. You are 22 years old. You do not need their permission to open your own bank account.
15:38Live your life independently. It sounds like living at home is not worth the aggravation.
15:45NTA