telling my husband to stop eating like hes never seen food before
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00:00I, 29F, went out for dinner with husband, 28M, last night, nothing fancy, just a chain
00:08sports bar, and it being a Friday, the place was packed.
00:12We sit, place our order, and we're catching up on the day everything is going fine.
00:16When the waitress brought out our appetizer, my husband grabs about four decent-sized tortilla
00:21chips and scoops an actual mountain of spinach dip with them and shoved the whole thing in
00:27his mouth.
00:28And when I say shoved I mean shoved his fingers in his mouth with the food.
00:32By the time I'd had three chips with some dip the entire rest of the appetizer was gone
00:36so I was already irked and embarrassed because of course people were staring at us.
00:41I said as much to him and when he said he didn't see what he was doing wrong, I told
00:45him, you're acting like you've never seen food before, it's embarrassing.
00:50He didn't say another word to me after that and has barely spoke to me today either.
00:55I don't think I'm the asshole for telling him I was embarrassed by how he was eating
00:59and annoyed that most of the appetizer was eaten by him but I may have taken it too far
01:04with the last comment.
01:06For further context know, this isn't the first time this has happened.
01:10I've told him multiple times it's embarrassing when he does this and asked him why so I can
01:14try to help or at least understand a bit better.
01:18It's only at this specific chain and his answer always is either it or that he really
01:23loves the spinach dip they have.
01:25He also does this at home but I don't really care when he's at home because I'm not going
01:29to dictate how he acts in the privacy of our house.
01:32Also to note because I'm sure people may ask, no he did not grow up in a food insecure household,
01:38they weren't rich but not struggling that much.
01:41And neither are we struggling now.
01:43No there is no history with an eating disorder either in him or his family.
01:47With all that said, edit because people keep asking the same questions so just for clarity.
01:53Yes I have had this same conversation before with him in much nicer ways and usually in
01:57private.
01:58He actively knows I hate when he eats like that.
02:01Yes he eats like this at home but never when there are people over and not when we go to
02:06other people's homes.
02:08I don't give him shit over it because I'm not going to police what he does when he's
02:11in private.
02:12No I'm not going to divorce him over this.
02:15I know in my head this is one of very few things we argue about.
02:18Is it annoying?
02:20But it's a wild take to tell me to divorce my husband over it.
02:24We continue to go to this place because it's a cheap, convenient option for when he has
02:28a super late shift, gets out at 11 or later, because it is 5 minutes from our house and
02:34is one of the few places open at that time.
02:37No my husband was slash is not in the military.
02:40Comment 1.
02:41I'm not judging either of you but I want to say I doubt anyone else in the restaurant
02:45noticed.
02:46Even if you looked up and they were looking your way, they were probably just looking
02:50around.
02:51They had their own conversations, priorities and insecurities to worry about.
02:55If I had to guess, your real issue is how people perceive you and you feel his behavior
03:00is indicative of your own, which could or could not be true based on how you behave.
03:05Comment 2.
03:06NTA one of my ex's eating habits got so bad that I couldn't even eat around him anymore,
03:12because the experience made me feel sick, ramming food in his face noisily half-chewing
03:17it before noisily forcing himself to swallow the half-chewed food while ramming the next
03:21bite in.
03:22He'd occasionally have to stop to catch his breath, and after he'd inhaled everything,
03:27he'd be panting looking round with crazy eyes, like he desperately needed more food, calling
03:32it out before it gets worse is the right thing to do.
03:36Comment 3.
03:37I hate that women are expected to be surrogate mummies for these guys, and, I hate that we
03:42are programmed to be embarrassed by their actions.
03:44It's not on you.
03:45I would suggest that the more boorish he gets the more proper and even dainty you get.
03:50Multiple napkins on your lap, breaking food into very small pieces, always use utensils,
03:56say nothing, don't give him control by being embarrassed for him.
04:00If you want more appetizers, order more.
04:06My son is 11 months old and 97th percentile for height.
04:10He is a big ash baby, currently 36 inch tall, or about the size of your average 2.5 years
04:16old, and in 3T clothing.
04:19However, despite him being so big, he is still just a baby and most of his nutrition ya still
04:25from breast milk.
04:27For the fourth we had a big family cookout and my brother invited his girlfriend.
04:31I live out of state and I didn't want my flights to be too close together so I'm staying for
04:36a bit longer.
04:38My brother and his girlfriend are doing the same thing.
04:41My family is aware that my son is a baby, obviously, but my brother's girlfriend was
04:46not and was initially very shocked when she saw him misbehaving.
04:50We explained that he's still a baby, so he's still just exploring the world.
04:55She remained uncomfortable but we mostly avoid each other.
05:00Because he's so big feeding him is a chore so I use an armchair as there isn't enough
05:04support elsewhere and so there isn't much I can do about covering up, he gets sweaty
05:08under blankets and won't eat.
05:11It's been a tense couple of weeks.
05:13Last night I think we both kind of lost it.
05:16My son needed feeding and she was in the chair, I asked her to move which she whined about
05:21but did get up.
05:23Everything was fine for another hour or so until she demanded my brother pay for her
05:27to go to a hotel for the remaining nights because she can't cope with me and the baby.
05:32She asked what she meant and she said that he's clearly big enough to be on real food
05:37and I enjoy making her uncomfortable by feeding him in front of her.
05:41I got embarrassingly upset and told her that she should keep her mouth shut because she
05:45clearly doesn't know the first thing about parenting and certainly doesn't know anything
05:50about me or my son.
05:52We argued the same points for a little more until my son woke from his nap and I left
05:57to collect him.
05:58She then left after telling us all, loudly, that she needs to protect her peace, which
06:03is honestly not a phrase I thought real people said.
06:07My brother told me I was being immature and left with her.
06:11My dad is on my side but did tell me I should have removed myself from the situation as
06:15I'm a grown woman and she's still a teenager, I'm three years older than her so I think
06:20that's BS.
06:22My mom is neutral but is still trying to convince my brother to come home and ended up paying
06:26for their hotel.
06:28She thinks I could have been a lot more understanding.
06:31Comment 1.
06:32I know how you feel.
06:34My boys are 6ft 6in and 6ft 5in, respectively, it looked like they should have been able
06:39to eat a porterhouse every day, so, I get where you are coming from.
06:44Some people are more literal, they see you breastfeeding a loveseat, and they just can't
06:49cope.
06:50Comment 2.
06:51I'm going to go with NTA.
06:53It sounds like it's a her issue if she was the only who made any fuss about it.
06:57To clarify there's still a teenager bit, is she still an actual teen or someone is a bit
07:01self-centered, or sheltered.
07:04Could you have gone to another room like a bedroom, or is that specific chair the primest
07:08of spots?
07:09Not that it matters, immo.
07:11She's weird and shoulda just socked it up, not sure if she's unaware that above average
07:16babies can happen?
07:18Comment 3.
07:19NTA.
07:20If she's uncomfortable because you're breastfeeding, she leaves the room, it's that simple.
07:25Her opinions on what your son should eat are stupid and nobody asked for them.
07:30Sometimes people are stupid or clumsy, but she was disrespectful.
07:34She absolutely must apologize for her you solicited advice and entitled behavior.
07:40Next time she can go straight to the hotel for her peace, but above all for your peace.
07:45Comment 4.
07:48So my husband and I recently had a baby.
07:51We've been together for over 10 years.
07:53We have our own apartment, it's a little small so we do eventually want to upgrade.
07:59My dad lives alone in a 3 bedroom house which is fully paid off.
08:03He's semi-retired, retired early and has a really good pension but still works part time.
08:09He's also a narcissistic functioning alcoholic.
08:13I have had a long history issues with him and if it wasn't for wanting a nicer place
08:17for the baby I wouldn't even be considering this.
08:20He would love nothing more than to spend his days drinking and watching Netflix, but
08:25he has to work a bit still because his pension doesn't cover all his bills.
08:29Just two months ago he was in the ICU for alcohol poisoning.
08:33Anyway, when my baby was born he offered to let us move in so we would have more room
08:38and be able to have more money for the baby.
08:41He said we would take the top floor and he would have the basement, with a kitchenette
08:45and bathroom.
08:47He said all he would want from us is to pay the utilities.
08:51I thought this was a way of him reaching out for help.
08:54If we live there then he would be able to see us and his grand baby more often and maybe
08:59he wouldn't be so lonely and drink so much.
09:02Well fast forward to now, we discussed it more in depth and he wants to do $30,000 worth
09:07of reno's to the basement before we move in, which he wants us to pay for in monthly payments
09:12once we move in which.
09:14Ok fine fair enough.
09:16And he says he wants to stop working once we move in and in 2 or 3 years he may decide
09:21he wants to do something with his life like travel the world and take out $30-$40k against
09:27the house to do so, at which point he would have to start charging us rent, amount unknown,
09:32to pay for that loan.
09:34Am I nuts or does it sound like he wants us to fund his retirement and drinking?
09:39The whole point of us moving in was we would save money, now we're basically going to be
09:43back to paying what we are in rent now, stuck in a house that we have no equity in which
09:48he could literally sell at any point.
09:51I basically told him off because this is not how he first offered it to us, and he got
09:56pissed off and started screaming at me like he has since I was a kid.
10:00As if he offered us this great thing and we just pissed on it.
10:03I mean, if I was in his position and my kid was in my position with rents slash house
10:08prices the way they are I wouldn't be charging them rent on top of utilities, the house is
10:13paid for.
10:14It's not like he would be supporting us whatsoever, we would be buying our own groceries, driving
10:19our own car, both working F.T., etc.
10:23Comment 1.
10:25N.T.A.
10:26Speaking as someone raised in a home with a drunk.
10:29I would have rather shared one tiny room with my mom and siblings than be anywhere near
10:33my house growing up.
10:35More space is not worth your child's mental health.
10:39It is not healthy for anyone to live in that environment let alone a child.
10:44You won't be safe, especially financially, even physically if he drink enough.
10:49I learned from experience that an alcoholic will chose his next drink over family.
10:54If his money runs out he is going to take from you and even your child.
10:58Me and my siblings had birthday money, babysitting money etc. stolen by someone that was family.
11:04If they don't find money they will take anything they can resell.
11:09Comment 2.
11:10N.T.A.
11:11Do not depend on this man for anything.
11:15Even if he didn't have his issues, his offer is financially bad for you on its own merit.
11:20He can barely take care of himself and clearly wasn't prepared enough for early retirement.
11:26Just reiterate that you will stay because you would be paying him as much, if not more,
11:30than your rent.
11:31Then, end the issue altogether.
11:34Your apartment may not be ideal, but you can make it work with a kiddo.
11:39Many families do.
11:41What would be worse is having to put up with your dad's reckless behavior every day and
11:45introducing your child to that.
11:48Comment 3.
11:49N.T.A.
11:50When an offer is too good to be true it's because it was made without the disclosure
11:54of the strings attached.
11:56Your father's offer is untenable.
11:58The demands will change and become increasingly unfavorable to your family.
12:03You will be spending all sorts of money for no equity in the house.
12:08Walk away.
12:09You are better off renting and putting aside what you can and waiting for the real estate
12:13bubble to burst.
12:16So, my fiancé, 24F, and I, 28M, are supposed to get married in six months.
12:25However, something happened that's made me reconsider and it's kind of blown up.
12:30I got into an argument with my fiancé like a week ago over something pretty trivial,
12:35but it ended up getting a bit heated.
12:37I tried to keep things calm, but she ended up getting really mad and slapped me in the
12:42face.
12:43I was kind of shocked for a minute, and then just told her she needed to leave.
12:48She refused at first, but then I raised my voice slightly and said you need to leave
12:52right now.
12:54She got some of her things and then went to go stay with her sister.
12:58I'm now considering ending things with her after she was physical with me.
13:02I honestly couldn't believe she did that.
13:05However, I've gotten massive pushback from pretty much everyone around me telling me
13:09that ending our relationship and calling off our wedding over that is a massive overreaction.
13:15She did apologize, but I told her it doesn't change anything.
13:19My family is telling me I'm being crazy to ends things over that.
13:24My friends are saying I'm massively overreacting.
13:27I pointed out that if I had done that to her, she would have almost definitely left
13:31me, and would be 100% in the right to do so.
13:35They're all saying that's completely different, because I'm significantly taller than her
13:39and physically stronger, while there's no chance she could ever physically overpower
13:43me.
13:44That is true, but I don't think it changes things.
13:48I'm being accused of weaponizing therapy language and appropriating the struggles of domestic
13:53abuse victims, when what happened to me was in no way comparable to what genuine victims
13:57go through.
13:58I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm doubting my reasoning now.
14:03Comment 1.
14:04N.T.A.
14:05Call it off.
14:06Everyone is trying to gaslight you.
14:09For some reason, so many people still think it's okay for women to be physically abusive
14:13to men, but it is never okay.
14:16I'm so sorry that happened to you and at the hand of someone that you loved.
14:20At the very least postpone it.
14:22I personally would not trust anyone who is telling me that I need to accept being treated
14:27that way, so you may need to think about not only cutting contact with your fiancé, but
14:32also the people who are telling you that this is okay because it very much is not because
14:36most of the time abuse escalates over time, also if you are planning on having kids, think
14:41about what her discipline may look like for them.
14:44Comment 2.
14:45I'm a woman and let me tell you what she did is abuse.
14:49She has no right to put her hands on you and you have every right to leave her.
14:54Put it this way if you don't end it she will think it's okay to do that again because all
14:58your a friend slash family are on her side and fuck those assholes too.
15:03You don't need anyone in your life telling you a woman hitting you is not that big of
15:07a deal.
15:08This is why abuse of men isn't being taken seriously and it's appalling.
15:13I hope you make the right choice and leave her nasty ass.
15:17Also I'm so sorry this happened to you.
15:20Comment 3.
15:21N.T.A.
15:22True, you are the man and stronger than her.
15:26That means that if she attacks you, even if you defend yourself by grabbing her arms,
15:31she can claim assault and be believed by the cops.
15:34That's why physical violence on her part is so serious, you have literally no defense.
15:39Moreover, she didn't apologize at once, on the contrary, when you told her to leave she
15:44refused.
15:45So it isn't a case of an impulse she regretted, she saw nothing wrong with it till you called
15:50off the wedding.
15:52I think you are right, end the relationship.