refusing to let my in-laws see my daughter after what they did during her birth
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00:00I, 29F, recently gave birth to my first child, a beautiful baby girl named Lily.
00:07My husband, 32M, and I have been over the moon, but our joy was ruined by an incident
00:13with my in-laws that I can't get over.
00:16For context, my mother-in-law, Karen, 58F, and father-in-law, Bob, 60M, have always been
00:23overbearing and intrusive, but my husband and I have tried to keep the peace.
00:29Throughout my pregnancy, Karen constantly criticized my choices, from my diet to my
00:34birth plan.
00:35She insisted on being in the delivery room, which I firmly declined.
00:39She threw a fit, claiming she had every right to be there as the grandmother, but I stood
00:44my ground.
00:46When I went into labor, my husband, and I headed to the hospital, everything was progressing
00:51normally until I was about to start pushing.
00:54That's when the door burst open and Karen and Bob barged in, having lied to the nurses
00:58to gain access.
01:00I was in the middle of a contraction, in immense pain, and suddenly had my in-laws in my face,
01:06shouting encouragement and trying to film the birth on their phones.
01:10I was mortified and enraged.
01:12I screamed at them to get out, but they refused, saying they had a right to be there.
01:18My husband tried to get them to leave, but they wouldn't budge.
01:21The nurses and the other hospital staff had to physically remove them from the room.
01:26This caused such a commotion that my labor stalled, and I ended up needing an emergency
01:30c-section due to the stress and delay they caused.
01:34After Lily was born, Karen and Bob were unapologetic.
01:38They actually had the nerve to post about the birth on social media, including pictures
01:43they took during the chaos, without our consent.
01:46They announced her name and details before we had a chance to, and even worse, they shared
01:52a picture of me they clicked while I was in the delivery room earlier.
01:55For the emergency c-section, trying to push.
01:59I was pissed and heartbroken.
02:01This was supposed to be a private, special moment for my husband and me, and they completely
02:06violated that.
02:07I decided then and there that they wouldn't see Lily until they showed genuine remorse
02:12and apologized.
02:14When we got home from the hospital, they demanded to visit.
02:17I told them they were not welcome and explained why.
02:20Karen blew up, saying I was being cruel and to which denying them their rights as grandparents.
02:26My husband is supportive, but torn because they are his parents.
02:30They've since started a smear campaign against me to the rest of the family, painting me
02:34as the villain who's keeping their grandchild away for no good reason.
02:38Now I'm getting calls and messages from extended family, from husband's side, accusing me of
02:44being heartless and unforgiving.
02:47They say I should put it behind me for the sake of family harmony, but I can't.
02:51Also my husband's two sisters are saying that if they were kind enough to forgive me after
02:55I threw a hissy fit and embarrassed and insulted them by getting them thrown out or the delivery
03:00room, then I should forgive them too.
03:03Every time I think about what they did, I get so angry and upset.
03:07I don't trust them, and I don't want them around my daughter until they truly understand
03:12and regret the pain they caused.
03:15Comment 1, NTA as a mom, I just feel white hot fury reading this post.
03:20Your husband needs to get his shit together and support you 100%.
03:25Any feelings he have should be talked out with people who aren't you because you and
03:29the baby need to come first.
03:31You could've died.
03:33The baby could've died.
03:34They could've killed you and your child and your husband is torn?
03:39Comment 2.
03:40NTA.
03:41What your in-laws did was completely disrespectful and invasive.
03:46They had no right to be in the delivery room, let alone film and post about it without your
03:51consent.
03:52You have every right to protect your peace and your daughter's privacy.
03:56Stand your ground.
03:57They need to understand the gravity of their actions before they can be a part of Lily's
04:01life.
04:03Comment 3.
04:04NTA.
04:06I would not try to use access to your daughter as a way to punish them, I don't think you
04:10are, but until they demonstrate that they have the requisite maturity to be near her,
04:15I wouldn't trust them.
04:16Lying to hospital staff to gain entrance to the delivery room is absolutely bullshit.
04:22If people want to put this behind them for the sake of family harmony, then your in-laws
04:26can act like grown-ups, take responsibility for their actions, and show that they're trying
04:31to improve.
04:35My wife and I are really struggling financially and moved in with my mom to help us get back
04:41on our feet.
04:42I know it hasn't been easy on her but I just can't believe what she did.
04:46So my stepsister is getting married and wouldn't invite my mom as her and her siblings hate
04:51her.
04:52My stepfather refused to attend without my mom, and it was a whole big thing.
04:57I think his kids thought he was going to cave because he was always a pushover with them,
05:01but he meant it and didn't go to the wedding.
05:04I'm sure it hurt him but he comes from a pretty toxic patriarchy culture and he isn't going
05:09to openly show his emotions.
05:11My wife was upset on the day of the wedding as she believes kids should always come before
05:16your spouse and that his behavior is disgusting.
05:19I don't disagree, but it also isn't our business.
05:23My wife took some pictures of him the day of the wedding to show my stepsister that
05:27he wasn't sad enough he was just hanging with my mom, and in one of the pictures he is laughing
05:32but I find this extremely uncomfortable for a few reasons.
05:36It is creepy and invasive to spy on people and take their pictures.
05:40They aren't even properly dressed in some of them.
05:43Like in one I can very clearly see his D as he is just wearing his boxers, and no he doesn't
05:49walk around the house like that, in another my mom appears to be wearing his shirt with
05:53nothing under it, so it is just weird.
05:56Also we are guests in their home.
05:59Well his daughter sent him the pictures and said she was glad he had his whore to comfort
06:03him.
06:04I realized what my wife had done and blew up.
06:07He called us ungrateful leeches, called her a witch, and he threw our clothes all over
06:12his lawn.
06:14I'm furious.
06:15Living with them was such a great opportunity to rebuild financially and she just ruined
06:20it.
06:21I lost it and shouted last night that it is all her fault and what the duck did she think
06:25was going to happen.
06:27She is furious and says I had no right to speak to her like that regardless of what
06:31she did.
06:32Comment 1.
06:34N.T.A. clearly your wife invaded their privacy and as you stated it's none of your business.
06:40She had no right to interfere.
06:42Are you even close with your step sister?
06:45I don't understand why she had to get in their business when it doesn't affect either of
06:49you.
06:50Maybe try to go back to your moms and step dads and apologize explain the situation,
06:55see if only you could stay with them and separate from your wife.
06:59Comment 2.
07:01Your step dad is a good husband and it was super kind for your mom to let you guys move
07:05back in.
07:06I'm not a separate as an answer person, but I don't think I could stay with someone disrespecting
07:11my mother who has shown kindness during our time of need, especially not by violating
07:16her privacy.
07:18I would beg my mom and step dad for forgiveness and leave my wife homeless by herself to reflect
07:23on being a doober, N.T.A.
07:26Comment 3.
07:27Dude.
07:28Go tell your mom and step father you had no idea of this before they, or anyone else did.
07:34Tell them you are going to file for divorce as soon as you can afford it, cross fingers
07:38they offer to help, and see if you can move back in with them, but not your wife.
07:43She can move in with your step sister.
07:46You are planning to divorce her over this right?
07:49Warning, don't be surprised if she and your step sister does some stuff like this to you
07:53during the divorce.
07:55Good luck.
07:59I'm, 15M, in family therapy with my parents and my sisters Alicia, 13F, and Kaylee, 12F.
08:08Therapy is pretty new and not going so well.
08:11We're not a close family, we have a lot of issues and I know we have extra stresses because
08:16Alicia has a lot of complex medical issues and she can't do everything Kaylee and I can.
08:22She needs a wheelchair sometimes, she's on lots of meds, but she can be fine sometimes
08:27too, and can enjoy life.
08:29But she has limitations we don't.
08:31And my parents make me feel like they want me to be another adult and not one of their kids.
08:37They don't like me spending time with friends.
08:40They say I could be home, helping, taking care of my sisters or doing stuff at home
08:44for them.
08:46When I do go they can make me take one or both sisters.
08:49Get angry if Alicia can't join.
08:52If I'm forced to take one of my sisters, or both, I can't have fun.
08:56I get stuck making sure they're okay.
09:00Even birthday parties, like at places and not kid parties anymore, I can be forced to
09:04bring them when they're not invited and I get to watch them have fun.
09:09If I have fun at something and my sisters don't, then I get in trouble.
09:13Happened during our last field trips.
09:16I had a great time, Alicia had to leave early because she was sick, Kaylee had such a bad
09:21time.
09:22I told grandpa I had a great time and my parents berated me for it.
09:27While Kaylee got to talk about how fun my best friend's birthday at the trampoline park
09:31was.
09:32And she didn't get into trouble for Alicia being jealous and missing out like I would.
09:37I got berated for not having fun though.
09:40For acting spoiled that I didn't have a good time.
09:43They get mad I don't buy my sisters birthday and Christmas gifts.
09:47They get mad that I get gifts from my best friend's parents.
09:51They get mad that I get invited to my best friend's family events as a friend for him
09:56to hang out with and it's made clear my sisters aren't invited even if it's something they
10:00could be included in.
10:02My parents get annoyed when I confide in grandpa.
10:06But they also get annoyed if I tell them how they make me feel.
10:09Alicia hates being left out which I get.
10:12But I'm the only one my parents get angry with for it.
10:16Now we're in family therapy.
10:18My parents are using it to talk about how awful I am.
10:22They say I'm making life harder for everyone.
10:25They didn't expect me to say how things really are.
10:29But I did.
10:30After my parents said I act like a 5 year old who doesn't like being the center of attention
10:34I brought up in therapy how they treat me and how I feel like they take their frustration
10:39about Alicia requiring so much care out on me, how I'm held to a higher standard and
10:44they want me to be an adult and not a kid.
10:46I said they can't stand me having fun without my sisters or seeing me being the only one
10:51having fun, but almost like it when I'm the one not having fun.
10:55My parents got so pissed at me after the session and accused me of embarrassing them.
11:00I told them they just didn't want me to speak so openly in front of my sisters which is
11:05why they include them.
11:06Comment 1.
11:08If I were you, I'd find a way to get out as soon as I turn 18, get all your social documents
11:13from your parents now so they can't withhold them from you later, and I'd find some place
11:18to stay a friend or family member or, if you're earning money, just move out.
11:23Your family is toxic and will 100% expect you to continue to be parent number 3 even
11:28after you become an adult and should be able to live your own life.
11:33Comment 2.
11:35Therapy is a judgment-free zone and the only place you can talk about the things you're
11:39not supposed to talk about.
11:41Next session tell your therapist what they told you after.
11:44Then it won't be about how awful they think you are anymore.
11:48It'll be about how they can cope with being crappy parents and how it's affecting their
11:52kids.
11:53You're not the problem.
11:55Comment 3.
11:57N.T.A.
11:58You are supposed to say the truth in therapy, that's what it's for.
12:02This is exactly what you should be talking about and what they need to hear.
12:07Your parents sorely need the therapy, they are clearly not taking care of all three of
12:12you like they should and neglecting you somewhat.
12:15Next time tell the therapist how they reacted, this is exactly what they need to work on,
12:20and if they keep punishing you for saying the truth they are frankly sabotaging the
12:24therapy by breaking the necessary trust.
12:30My husband and I are slightly more well-off than my sister's family.
12:34Because of this my parents do more for them than they do us.
12:38When it comes to gifts my daughter, Maddie 7, get things from the dollar store while
12:42my nephews get whole Lego sets, iPads and even Disney trips.
12:47If my sister needs babysitting they will drop everything for her last minute.
12:52If I need it I have to give them a two weeks heads up as well as proper payment.
12:57Because of this clear favoritism my daughter doesn't have a good relationship with them.
13:02If you ask her about her grandparents her mind automatically goes to my husband's parents
13:06because she forgets that she has two pairs.
13:10Earlier today we having a rare meet up with my parents.
13:13My daughter asked if she can go on the trampoline outside.
13:17My dad said no because it's for my nephews.
13:20My daughter begged but dad still said no.
13:23Maddie then stomps away and said this is why I like other grandma and grandpa more.
13:29My parents looked at me expectantly but I didn't do anything.
13:32I recently got off a call with my mom saying I should have told Maddie that was wrong to
13:37say.
13:38I told her what do you expect she thinks you'll hate her and you'll do nothing to dispel those
13:43thoughts.
13:44She just got quiet for a bit then said I still shouldn't let her say something like that
13:48to family and hung up.
13:50My husband is on my side but he also isn't a fan of my family so I need an outside opinion.
13:56Edit, to make some of you feel better we don't bring her around them often she only sees
14:01them on holidays with the rest of our extended family.
14:04We were only visiting today to get something I was left in a will.
14:08As for babysitting I have only asked twice in extreme emergencies and they said no.
14:14I have talked to them about this but they say it's not favoritism she just needs less
14:18help because we are better off.
14:21Update, just got off the phone with my uncle.
14:24Apparently dad called him ranting about how disrespectful we are.
14:28Apparently this all stems from me going to college.
14:32Dad said since I had to be all hoity toity and go to college I shouldn't need his help
14:36and I should be living the easy life.
14:39He also said I'm selfish for trying to take help away from those who need it.
14:43Not sure what to think about all that he's never brought up having a problem with that
14:47before.
14:48I'm going to discuss this with the rest of the family because with the holidays approaching
14:52I don't want to cut everybody else out to avoid them so I'm going to ask how they feel
14:57about all this.
14:59Comment 1.
15:00NTA for not punishing your daughter.
15:02But why do you force her to be around your parents when she clearly knows they favor
15:06her cousins?
15:07Why was she the one to point out the favoritism?
15:10As her parent, you should have been reprimanding your parents for their treatment of your child.
15:14Maddie deserves grandparents who appreciate her, and if she can't have that, she should
15:19at least have a mom who sticks up for her.
15:21Go low contact with your parents until they're ready to treat all their grandkids equally.
15:26OP comment.
15:27I've spoken to them several times and the excuse is always that it's because we make
15:31more money as for why we still see them.
15:34It's mostly for holidays and special occasions when the whole extended family is around.
15:39We only visited today to take care of some legal stuff.
15:42As more Maddie this is the first time she's said anything negative about them.
15:46Comment 2.
15:47NTA.
15:49Your daughter said something they don't like, and it's a direct result of what they do.
15:53Your parents are more concerned about your daughter owing them respect, or what they
15:57consider respect, than they are about her preferring her other grandparents and feeling
16:02unloved.
16:03The favoritism of which your daughter is the victim is not acceptable and she should no
16:07longer be put in this situation.
16:09They wouldn't be allowed to see my daughter if they made such a difference between their
16:13grandchildren.
16:14This kind of injustice leaves its mark right up to adulthood and build resentment between
16:19the kids.