suggesting we name our baby after my exdead friend
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00:00My husband, 30M, and I, 28F, are pregnant and thinking of baby names for our son due later this year.
00:08We've got a good list of names we love, but we're still undecided.
00:12The other night I was up late with a bod of insomnia, thinking about when our baby is going to be a kid and what he'll be like, and I remembered my childhood best friend, Lucas.
00:23We were best friends from 5 until 15, when he passed away.
00:27About a month before he died, we started dating, as in we held hands in the hall at school and kissed a handful of times.
00:35My husband knows about him as I have fond memories with him, and he's in a lot of my childhood photos.
00:41He has never shown any disdain to me talking about Lucas.
00:45I also do not harbor any leftover romantic feelings for Lucas.
00:49I loved him, but we were not in love, just kids doing what kids do.
00:54He was my best friend and I miss him, but he is dead.
00:57Lucas is a pretty timeless name with multiple variations, as well as a way to honor my childhood best friend,
01:04especially since he doesn't have any siblings who could name their children after him.
01:09Plus, a lot of my and my husband's first name ideas have multiple syllables, so I thought a short middle name like Luke would help balance it out.
01:17I suggested it, and my husband hit the roof.
01:20He said me wanting to name our baby after an ex-boyfriend was gross and insulting to him as the father.
01:26He said if the baby should be named after anyone, it should be him.
01:30I told him I wasn't trying to be insulting, and it was just an idea, not a name I was set on, and him vetoing it was completely fine.
01:38I also said it wasn't naming our baby after an ex, but an old friend.
01:42He's still angry, though, and is demanding I apologize for disrespecting him as the father.
01:48I refused to apologize because the suggestion wasn't a way to disrespect him.
01:53It had nothing to do with him at all, it was just a way to pay homage to my friend.
01:58He said he's not interested in brainstorming ideas anymore, and has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since.
02:04Etie, I will be apologizing to my husband.
02:07A lot of people pointed out that whether I meant to offend him or not, his feelings were hurt, and I do want to try and remedy that.
02:15I'm also going to try and have a conversation about how he feels about Lucas moving forward.
02:20I now see a lot of people are getting caught by the ex part, as my husband is.
02:25I assumed it was clear that I do not still have feelings for Lucas.
02:29I do not wish I was having a baby with him instead.
02:32He was not a childhood crush.
02:34As an adult, I know that we were pairing off because that's what everyone else our age was doing, and he was my very best friend, so why not?
02:42When he died, I mourned the death of a friend, not an ex-lover.
02:47I am also not trying to force this name on our baby.
02:50It was merely a suggestion because I thought it was sweet and it fit what we were looking for in names.
02:55If my husband says no, it's a no.
02:58I don't know why people thought I would do otherwise.
03:01Comment 1. No judgment.
03:04When naming a baby it's best to agree to keep all the names of exes, even the innocuous ones, off the table because inevitably it leads to an argument.
03:13My husband wanted to name our son Jeffrey.
03:16I reminded him I had two exes named Jeff and they were both Jagweeds.
03:21He'd forgotten and started to laugh and we picked another name.
03:25Comment 2.
03:27YTA how do people not know that naming your baby after any of your exes no matter the duration of the relationship is just a terrible idea.
03:35It's setting up for the baby daddy to think you would prefer that man to be the dad.
03:40It may be an irrational thought from your perspective but how would you feel if he wanted to name your daughter after his ex?
03:47I'm not trying to be harsh, I just don't think you thought this through.
03:51Comment 3. Nah.
03:55Now you know this whole time you've ever mentioned Lucas, he didn't care because he's dead but he absolutely saw him more as a boyfriend than a long-standing friend.
04:04You are viewing it as my friend Lucas who I grew up with and loved so much and less about the dating part.
04:10His reaction was over the top.
04:13Also really weird to be this upset about a childhood friend that is dead.
04:18Like he's not competition.
04:20It's not like it was the one that got away and you settled for your husband.
04:24Jeez.
04:28I am in the middle of probably the biggest crisis of my adult life and I can barely think so I apologize in advance if this comes across as really weird or rambly.
04:38My wife went to Mexico last week for a friend's bachelorette party and aside for the plane ticket, the hotel and the first day's food and drinks she didn't spend a penny all week.
04:49I mean on the credit card it's as clear as day that on Monday up until about 9pm she was buying dinner, stuff at the hotel shop, drinks at the bar, souvenirs and then at 9pm she didn't spend another cent the entire week until she was at her layover airport in Dallas.
05:05She says it's because her friend took over and paid for everything.
05:09I guess this is plausible but it still is giving me a funny feeling.
05:14What is worse is that my wife is a person who posts her entire life on Instagram on TikTok, mostly Instagram, but if she does anything from get a latte to picking the kids up at school, she will post it either as a picture or as a story.
05:28The last thing she posted on TikTok was that trend of people jumping into their vacation from the airport and after that her social media is blank.
05:36I was kind of keeping an eye on it because I was excited for her to go on the trip and again I guess it's plausible but it gives me a funny feeling.
05:44When she got home I said I can't wait to see all the pics she took and she really blew me off and said that she just didn't feel like taking pics that week.
05:53She has also been incredibly distant and last night she said she just felt like sleeping on the couch because the AC hits better, this is 100% true, but I swear I heard her talking on the phone in the middle of the night.
06:06When I got up to check on her I accidentally tripped over the dog and made a huge racket so when I got downstairs she appeared to be asleep.
06:14I brought all of this up this morning and said I'm not accusing her of anything but all this put together is making me feel uneasy.
06:22I wasn't trying to bait her or fight with her, just get my feelings on the table.
06:27She said you are a major fucking asshole for bringing this up on her first day back at work.
06:32I said I wasn't trying to pry, just communicating with her and she said your communication is prying and I am not discussing this with you ever again.
06:41She then took the kids to summer camp and left.
06:45Edit, so I realized that her texts probably sync to her iPad so I just checked.
06:50It took me a while to figure out the passcode, but I did but there was an e-message at 9.15 the night she got to the resort from a number with no contact info that said ok, I'll meet you in a lobby.
07:02Is the app you said Signal?
07:04I looked up Signal and it's kind of like WhatsApp.
07:07The iPad doesn't have Signal on it, comment 1.
07:11Signal is a messaging app where everything disappears.
07:14She's cheating on you, damn near sure of it.
07:17Besides the fact that she's sleeping on the couch, probably feeling guilty slash uninterested in you, and she's getting mad at you for prying.
07:25Having Signal is a red flag in any relationship.
07:28Ask her other friends that were there at the bachelorette week what went down.
07:33They'll probably give you mixed stories or whatever.
07:36Hi Arapai. Comment 2.
07:39NTA.
07:41We have a gut instinct for a reason and right now yours is telling you that something is off because it is off.
07:47A lot of people will take a SM break a bit on vacation, but it sounds like she did a complete 180 and just stopped everything.
07:56Not spending one penny the whole week is suspicious as I doubt her friend was buying every single drink and meal, not to mention whatever souvenirs she brought home.
08:06Then sleeping on the couch, you hear her talking but by the time you get downstairs she's silent.
08:11The attitude, the distance, how she didn't deny but immediately got angry and deflected.
08:17Accusing you of prying? Prying into what exactly? How it sounds like she had an affair on her trip.
08:24Please update us on what happens, I don't think this is over just yet.
08:29Comment 3. Let's see.
08:33She spent no money. She took no pictures. That in itself might be nothing.
08:38But now she's sleeping on the couch. Having secret midnight phone conversations.
08:44And when you try to talk to her and tell her what you're feeling, she called you a major ducking a hole, told you that even telling her your feelings is prying, she's your wife, and refuses to discuss it with you, now or ever.
08:57That is some suspicious behavior. I have to think that if nothing really did go on, if she spent all her time with her friends, if she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't be jumping down your throat, calling you names, and shutting you out. But you know her better than I do.
09:16I, F34, had been with my husband for over 12 years. We had our child when I was 31, and my husband 33.
09:25Sadly, recently, 1.5 year ago, when my baby was around 2 years, my husband, the love of my life, died in a tragic accident, careless driver hit his car on a foggy slippery road, he died instantly in a crash.
09:40His death left me in shambles, only thing that kept me at least sane was our daughter. I couldn't believe that I lost him. He was my rock, my light and I loved him dearly.
09:51In a way I still cannot believe that he's gone. That's where my ex comes in. In about year after my husband's accident, he reached out to me to talk, to vent maybe.
10:02We separated long time ago, couple of years before I've met my husband. We didn't exactly stay friends but were on good terms, and spoke occasionally, hi, how are you kind of talk.
10:15So he reached out and offered to help as a friend. It was unexpected but I accepted because I really needed a friend and frankly I don't have a lot of close friends besides him.
10:25He occasionally came over to our place, brought some gifts to my daughter and we talked over tea or a beer. It wasn't intimate, he had several casual relationships over the years, and I clearly told him that I'm not ready for any relationships after my husband, still not ready, I guess.
10:43So he came over once or twice a month, he was very sweet with my daughter, so I didn't see anything wrong with them bonding. But then my baby started calling my ex papa.
10:54It annoyed me very much, but I didn't say anything, because she's a toddler, how is she supposed to know any better? I tried gently explaining to her that my ex isn't papa, but I doubt she understood.
11:06So I just started sending her to my or my husband's mom when my ex came over. In truth I know our baby won't remember her father, photos is all she'll have of him. And I don't want another man to take his place in her eyes.
11:20So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But I didn't think much of it.
11:31And last time is where I snapped. That's where I might be the R, because I ended up screaming at my ex and probably should have handled it better.
11:40So when he was at our house and we played some video games and had couple of beers, my mother brought my daughter home early, she was very grumpy and wanted to go home.
11:49He stood up and told my daughter, here's my baby, I missed you. And reached a hug her. That's where I snapped at him. I told him angrily that he is in fact not her father, and that she is my and my husband's baby and will never be his baby no matter how much he wants it.
12:06And if he wants to have a child he still have plenty of chances with his girlfriend. He told me I was a real uffer saying such cruel things and left. My mother told me that I was kind of an a-hole too and I acted like a child. So am I, comment 1. NTA.
12:24For whatever reason, he's been doing a slow creep into your life and trying to be your daughter's father. You brushed it off long enough, to the point where you snapped. We all have a breaking point, and that's okay. Tell your mom, although you think I was rude, I wasn't. I had reached my breaking point.
12:43X has no right to try to be dad, and he needed to hear this very directly. He has a GF. He needs to stop coming around. I am past done. Would you appreciate someone claiming me as their daughter in this way? No? End of conversation. Comment 2.
13:03You're not ready for a relationship you're ready for another to step into your family. The shock and loss you have gone through is enough to break most people, in my opinion the day a child accepts another as the missing parent is when the final time that person dies. NTA but ID definitely reach out and explain, don't apologize for feelings, and say he can accept the rules going forward or can skip back off. Comment 3. Nah.
13:31You are still heavily grieving the loss of your husband. You should in my opinion apologize to him and explain your thoughts. He can accept the apology or not. If you are not currently in therapy you should really consider it. I have a friend whose son's dad passed away when he was three. Same thing. Only pictures and basically no memories.
13:53Comment 4. I, 27F, got married recently. I invited a friend, 27F, and her partner, and she was excited to come. They live in another country, a 3.5 hours flight away, so coming isn't easy or cheap for them. We asked seven months before the wedding about dietary needs, and she told us her and her partner would need vegan options. Since my dinner included veggie options, we decided to go vegan.
14:23I, wrongly, assumed the caterer could also do vegan ones, but when I asked 1.5 month before the wedding I learned they couldn't, I should have asked earlier, unfortunately some things came up and delayed our prep.
14:36I informed my friend, saying I was sorry, initially asking her if she had ideas about what we could do, maybe I was in the wrong there, and then offering to cook something myself or buy something from a supermarket, but the conversation turned quite cold, and the next day she said she decided not to come to the wedding, or to the bachelorette that was happening the following week, even though there was no catering issue there.
14:59She said her decision was final and we could speak after the wedding, as she didn't want to upset me before the day. After a couple of days I asked if she could help me understand her decision, and she said she found it disrespectful that I didn't have a suitable vegan option for her and her partner so close to the date, even though they told me with plenty of notice.
15:20I felt extremely hurt and blindsided, especially since I feel she didn't give me a chance to find a solution together. I kinda understand not coming to the wedding, even though I'm vegetarian and attended plenty of weddings that didn't have veggie options, but that's her call, but not skipping the bachelorette, since we could easily have planned for vegan food. Now I'm not sure I want to be her friend anymore.
15:45EDIT.
15:46Some bits of context.
15:48There were no restrictions at our venue for bringing home cooked, outside food. I genuinely thought a home cooked meal was a nice option, but I'm seeing that many of you think otherwise.
15:59Our dinner was a type of food with a base and toppings, and there was no other type of food available as the caterer specializes in that, but it caters to most people since you can choose the toppings, it worked for our two other guests who had restrictions, being gluten free and nut free. I knew for sure it was vegetarian, didn't know they couldn't slash wouldn't want to make a separate vegan batch.
16:22I told my friend about this casually over text, while we were discussing the bachelorette. I now see that I probably shouldn't have mentioned it until I could give her a more detailed option. I thought it would be nice to keep her in the loop and know what she preferred, but I now see how that probably made her feel like a burden, which I'm very sorry about.
16:41The caterer had to be booked 10 months in advance, before we asked for restrictions, and when I asked about vegan options they didn't say they didn't have time to sort one out, just that they flat out didn't offer any, but maybe I should have pushed back harder on that.
16:56Some of you are saying I shouldn't have asked for restrictions at all if I couldn't provide them, but we were able to provide for other allergies, gluten and nuts, just not vegan meals unfortunately.
17:08Overall, I understand that the biggest mistake was clearly leaving it so late to sort it out, the second and most stupid mistake was bringing up supermarket food, when it was never a viable option, and the third mistake was telling my friend about it and asking for her input, as it probably made her feel like a burden.
17:26I will now wait and see if she wants to reach out, and take things from there if she does, comment 1. I am insanely confused as to how the catering company could provide a vegetarian course but not offer literally anything at all that vegans could eat. Anyway, NTA. You made every effort to offer alternatives, but your friend was more concerned about the day working for her rather than for the bridge and groom. Comment 2.
17:54YTA. You asked about their dietary needs. You told her that you could accommodate her. I have a hard time believing you didn't know the difference between vegetarian and vegan. You should have clearly asked the caterer about vegan options. Truthfully, if you simply didn't ask her about her dietary needs, I would have ruled different.
18:16I didn't ask any of my wedding guests about their needs. I just had three options that were on the wedding invite. So no one was surprised what food would be there. If anyone declined because of the food, I would have had no way of knowing.