not changing how I live for my stepsons GF
not changing how I live for my stepsons GF
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00:00My stepson, Ben, 20M, is living with us right now during summer break from college.
00:06About a month ago, he asked if his GF from college, Liv, could stay with us the rest of the summer because she is going through a rough time at home.
00:16I wasn't fully on board with the idea because we already have our two other kids, 11 and 9, in the house and have four adults and two kids in our space is a lot.
00:26My wife has a soft spot for Ben and struggles to say no to him, so my concerns were dismissed and now Liv is living with us until they go back to school.
00:35There have been a few issues that have come up since Liv came, pretty much all of which have to do with me.
00:40First, one of the big reasons Liv wanted to change her living situation is because her parents are alcoholics.
00:47Now, I don't drink every day, but I do have alcohol in the house and I like to imbibe with a meal sometimes or have a few cocktails on weekends.
00:56This is triggering for Liv to see a parent drinking with kids around.
01:00Second, Liv is vegan. We eat a lot of meat in our house. Pretty much every meal has a meat involved.
01:07I also hunt, so we eat meat that I have harvested and I have a few mounts on the walls.
01:12This makes Liv especially uncomfortable.
01:15Ben and Liv sat down with my wife and I this past weekend and offered some suggestions to help make Liv's time here easier.
01:22Their first suggestion was that if I want to drink, I should do it in private and not around the kids.
01:28I tried to interject when they suggested this, but they asked to let them finish before saying anything.
01:33Their next suggestion was to allow Liv to cook vegan meals for us so that we didn't eat so much meat all the time.
01:40She offered to do grocery shopping and meal planning to provide vegan meals for us instead of our usual meals.
01:46Finally, they asked if I could remove the mounts from the walls of the house until they go back to school in six weeks.
01:53When they finished, I asked if it was okay for me to talk now and they said yes.
01:58I told them that my answer to all of their suggestions is no.
02:01I told them that I appreciate Liv's offer to cook for us and she is free to cook a few vegan meals for us during the week if she wants,
02:08but we are not going to completely change our diets for one person.
02:12But as far as their other suggestions, not happening.
02:15My wife spoke up and said that maybe it wouldn't hurt to try their suggestions for a little bit and see how things go.
02:21She said it's only six weeks and that changing our lifestyles a little bit for a short period wouldn't kill us.
02:28I told all three of them that if they want to change the way they live, they are free to do so.
02:33But they are not going to force me to change the way I live in my own home for a temporary guest.
02:38I told them if that means I cook separate meals for myself, so be it.
02:42But the mounts stay and if I want a beer or a glass of wine, I'm going to have one.
02:47All three of them think I am being unreasonable and that they aren't asking too much of me for a short period of time.
02:54Comment 1.
02:55NTA et al.
02:57Wow.
02:58Liv seems very entitled to think that the entire world should just change for her once.
03:03She's a guest in your home, she should be grateful for that.
03:07If she doesn't like the decor, tough shit.
03:10What, if you had a painting or curtains she found triggering you'd be expected to remove them or redecorate for her?
03:17That's ridiculous.
03:19As to the veganism, you're perfectly correct and its general vegan etiquette.
03:24You, the vegan, are the one needing a different meal to everyone else at the table, then you make it.
03:30You can make it for everyone, and if they don't want it they can continue eating as they usually do.
03:36You don't impose your chosen diet on everyone.
03:39Regarding the alcohol it's a bit different because of history, but still.
03:43It's your house and if you want a beer you should have a beer.
03:47What, is she never going to be around anyone ever who is drinking in her whole life?
03:52That'll be fun.
03:54Comment 2.
03:55NTA.
03:57I believe it is crazy to come into someone else's house as a guest and think that you get to control how they live.
04:04She gets to control herself.
04:06She doesn't get to control you.
04:08She doesn't get to control the whole house.
04:11I think your wife and son need lessons in appropriate boundaries.
04:15Liv's requests are not reasonable.
04:17Comment 3.
04:19NTA.
04:20The issues Liv has are hers to manage.
04:23Hiding to drink is much more of an issue than being responsible and public about your intake.
04:29Offering to cook all meals is nice, but you're not required to change everything about your diet for a long-term guest.
04:36I think Liv needs some therapy.
04:38It's good she has a safe place to stay, but she needs to learn to manage her own triggers
04:43and work through issues without demanding others change their lives on her behalf.
04:48Comment 4.
04:51I26 female just witnessed my sister 32 female destroy her family and marriage,
04:57and now she is blowing up my phone to keep me quiet.
05:00A bit of context, growing we were never too close, due to an age gap and a messy divorce when I was 10 and she was 16.
05:07Our dad cheated on our mom and we were the ones to find out when we came home early from school.
05:12I wanted to tell our mom but my sister begged me not to.
05:15I remember telling mom like it was yesterday and how my sister never really forgave me.
05:20After the divorce our lives blew up.
05:22We moved a couple cities away with our mom and had to start brand new.
05:26It was especially hard for my sister because she had to leave all her friends right before senior year.
05:31As we've aged she has slowly gotten over it, she even asked me to be a bridesmaid, which obviously I said yes to.
05:37My brother-in-law is the epitome of golden retriever boy, he is very nice and caring, but doesn't have a lot going on in his head.
05:45He works a 9 to 5 job while my sister stays home.
05:48A couple months ago my sister was in a really low place, saying she was bored and unhappy with her relationship,
05:55now she is as happy as ever chalking it up to be seasonal depression.
05:59I was in the city for work this week, where my sister lives and thought I should visit her.
06:03I decided to surprise her with a sister brunch.
06:06When I got to her house, I saw a truck in the driveway which was not brother-in-laws,
06:11but though nothing of it since she has had a lot of construction recently.
06:15The door was unlocked and I don't even want to describe what I walked in on but,
06:19my sister was scrambling to find something to cover up while a random man just stared at me in shock, but naked.
06:25I already felt the tears streaming down my face as I turned around and walked out the door.
06:30My sister has been calling and texting me, non-stop begging me to talk to her.
06:35I don't know who she is at this point. I thought I that our dad cheating taught her how infidelity can ruin people's lives.
06:42I can't support her and am disgusted with what she has done. I am crying in my car and don't know what to do.
06:49Comment 1
06:50Tell your brother-in-law, but be prepared for him to not believe you, for your sister to lie and say you're doing this out of spite,
06:57or for them to reconcile and block you.
07:00Your relationship with your sister is probably over no matter what choice you make.
07:04Gotta say, it doesn't seem like much of a loss. She's clearly a selfish person.
07:10Why don't you discuss it with your mom?
07:13She can give you advice about what to say to your brother-in-law and support you no matter what.
07:18And she should know about the selfish monster she raised.
07:22Comment 2
07:23It sucks that her telling you not to tell your mom about your dad's affair was, in retrospect, an early sign that she might so the same.
07:32If anything, your sister is very narcissistic.
07:35She didn't want the dad affair to be known so she wouldn't have to leave her school friends,
07:40and she herself had an affair because she was bored of her relationship.
07:44She just wants to do what she wants without having to deal with the consequences.
07:48It's good she has a sister like you to make her face the consequences of a lesson she should have learned from your dad.
07:54Definitely don't stay quiet. Her husband doesn't deserve it.
07:58Plus it's the moral thing to do to bring this bad behavior to light.
08:02Even if she's your sister you have to reprimand her for her behavior.
08:06She doesn't get a free pass because she's your sister, nor because of her past trauma.
08:11Comment 3
08:13For the moment, do nothing. You need time to process things.
08:18You are smart to ignore your sister's calls until get your feet under you from this shock.
08:23There is no imminent danger to anyone.
08:26This unfortunately is the beginning of a long, painful, sad series of events.
08:31It's best if you take care of yourself and figure out how you want to act, not be overcome by emotional reaction.
08:38This is a shoddy hand you've been dealt.
08:41Sorry and good luck.
08:45I, 28F, am 29 weeks pregnant with fraternal twins, a boy and a girl.
08:52I was lucky enough to get pregnant almost immediately after going off birth control.
08:57My sister-in-law, 38F, who I'll call Jane, has fertility issues and has not been able to have a baby after more than a decade of trying and multiple rounds of IVF.
09:09A few days ago, my family all came over to my house to hang out.
09:13I told them that I finished decorating my nursery and my mom, sister, and other sister-in-law all wanted to see it so I took them in to see it.
09:22Jane looked unhappy when I mentioned the nursery and said she'd rather not see it.
09:27She went out to the porch while we went inside.
09:30We stayed in the nursery for a while and eventually Jane came in because it was too hot outside.
09:36We were talking about babies, sister and other sister-in-law both have young children, and Jane looked a bit uncomfortable with the conversation.
09:45My sister said that I was really lucky to get pregnant with twins right after I started trying.
09:50After that, Jane started crying and left the room.
09:54We all went after her to talk to her and she said she feels awful having to constantly hear about our babies.
10:01She went on a long rant about how she feels excluded because she's the only one of us without a child now.
10:07She thinks our mom treats her like she's less than my sister and other sister-in-law because they have kids and now that I'm pregnant, we don't talk about anything but kids.
10:17She said it's insensitive when we know that she's infertile.
10:21She was like this for all of my sister and sister-in-law's pregnancy.
10:26She insists on coming to all the gender reveals and baby showers and birthday parties but spends all her time there wallowing in her misery and even starts crying sometimes.
10:36I kind of want to uninvite her from my baby shower next week because I'm scared she'll ruin the vibe. W.I.B.T.A. if I did that.
10:45I feel bad for her, but she can't keep bringing negativity to all of our celebrations.
10:50I told my mom that I want to uninvite her and she said I shouldn't because she's family and we need to support her instead of excluding her even more.
10:58Comment 1. N.T.A. But why not say to Jane you want to acknowledge how she might be feeling.
11:04That you want to invite her but wondered whether she'd prefer some one-on-one time before the baby comes.
11:11Perhaps a spa day or the theatre. Something to tell her she's important to you.
11:16When the baby comes it will be harder to give her that. You can let her know you wanted her to know she matters too before things have to change.
11:23Comment 2. I've been in Jane's situation, I'm now a mom to a three-month-old baby boy. God that was the hardest time in my entire life.
11:34It's just a constant miserable sad desperate feeling longing for a baby that you are trying to have slash can't have.
11:41When I found out my Syl was pregnant I was happy for her but insanely sad. Insanely sad for myself.
11:48I almost don't even like thinking about those times because I feel so bad for myself. I cried myself to sleep every night.
11:56It's a helpless and hopeless feeling. There's not much you can do other than trying to talk about things other than babies.
12:03Which is hard because you're expecting. Congrats, sending you well wishes. I have no advice for you. I feel bad that you're uninviting her.
12:13I wish she would make the choice herself to not attend.
12:19My mother, 65, came to visit me, 39F, her daughter, after I called her to share the news I received some troubling news about my health, I'm on the mend, worst is behind me.
12:31She lives approximately two hours away from me. During the visit she signaled she planned to charge me for parking fees at the clinic she brought me to,
12:40among a couple of other expenses that she incurred helping me out that day. I was fine with that.
12:46She's not exactly swimming in it after retiring, though has some discretionary income, and, well, I'm a grown-up.
12:55In fact, I would have taken care of the parking fees, and other expenses, myself at the time if I wasn't incapacitated. So totally fine and expected.
13:05Where I stopped being fine was when she called me after the visit asking for a lot more money than I'd expected.
13:12After probing a bit, I discovered that she'd lumped in there an estimate of how much she'd spent on gas to come visit me and not just the pasta salad she bought for me at lunch,
13:21totally fine, but also the pasta salad she bought herself. I'm happy to treat her for lunch, and often do, treated her for dinner that very night,
13:30but I found it odd she would just go ahead and add her lunch to the bill. I hadn't offered and aren't I the sick one? It was only twenty bucks altogether.
13:40But the reason I cancelled her visit tomorrow to come over and help some more was because I couldn't believe she'd pass on her gas expenses to her sick adult child to visit her.
13:50When she said she was coming to visit after learning of my condition, she omitted the part of her plan where she'd charge me for her gas to get here.
13:58Sure, she complained about the cost of gas when she arrived, but never did she share her plan to make me cover it. She's never done anything like this before.
14:08It's not the money. It's the principle. And I had no intention of paying for her to visit me tomorrow, too.
14:15I plan on sharing with her my feelings about all of this once I've given some thought to how I'll navigate it with her.
14:22I would feel so ashamed as a parent if roles were reversed. This whole thing makes me question why I haven't billed her when I've gone to visit her after falling ill.
14:32Of course I could never bring myself to actually do that. The thought of it makes me feel sick. So, comment 1.
14:40When I was 29, I landed myself in hospital in another state that my parents lived in.
14:46When I spoke to Dad on the phone and told him I was having surgery but would be fine and friends were gonna help me,
14:52he told Mum who then booked a last-minute flight to be by my side without asking.
14:57She navigated Sydney public transport all by herself and was by my bedside when I woke up from surgery.
15:04She stayed all weekend once I was discharged, bought, and cooked me, a whole week of lunches and dinners, did my laundry and a bunch of other household chores.
15:13She point-blank refused to let me pay her for anything. That is what a parent does. You're NTA. Comment 2. NTA.
15:24Our 43-years-old daughter is currently ill with shingles.
15:29We picked up her prescription and paid for it, and some calamine lotion, then took it to her together with some milk as she was out. That was on Tuesday.
15:38Wednesday, she caught up on her sleep thanks to one of the pills prescribed.
15:43Yesterday she sounded a lot better, and we asked her what shopping she needed.
15:48She sent me a list, we got everything, drove to her house, had a short visit then went home.
15:54So far we have spent £50 on her excluding petrol. And no, we don't expect her to pay us back.
16:01It would be different if we were scratching for money, but still. That is what you are meant to do. Comment 3. NTA.
16:11I was critically ill and my father literally moved into my home for six months to help take care of me.
16:17I was in no way capable myself and my husband couldn't do it all. Not once did he bring up money.
16:23I paid for what I could and actually gifted him the car I had for all the help.
16:28But I don't think money ever crossed his to help me out while I was fighting for my life and to recover.
16:34Six months girl, six whole long months.