Billy Connolly Big Banana Feet (1977)

Super Cult Cinema
Super Cult Cinema
  • 2 months ago
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Transcript
00:00:00Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Connolly!
00:00:27It's a fire and rain when you go in.
00:00:41Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Connolly.
00:00:42It's the U.S.M.
00:00:43Ready, aim, fire.
00:00:44Oops.
00:00:46Ready, aim, fire.
00:00:52Oops.
00:00:53It's the U.S.M.
00:00:54Ready, aim, fire.
00:00:55Oops.
00:00:56It's the U.S.M.
00:00:58Ready, aim, fire.
00:01:04Oops.
00:01:27It's the U.S.M.
00:01:51Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:15Oops.
00:02:16It's the U.S.M.
00:02:17Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:24Oops.
00:02:25It's the U.S.M.
00:02:26Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:27Oops.
00:02:28It's the U.S.M.
00:02:29Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:30Oops.
00:02:31It's the U.S.M.
00:02:32Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:33Oops.
00:02:34It's the U.S.M.
00:02:35Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:36Oops.
00:02:37It's the U.S.M.
00:02:38Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:39Oops.
00:02:40It's the U.S.M.
00:02:41Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:42Oops.
00:02:43It's the U.S.M.
00:02:44Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:45Oops.
00:02:46It's the U.S.M.
00:02:47Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:48Oops.
00:02:49It's the U.S.M.
00:02:50Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:51Oops.
00:02:52It's the U.S.M.
00:02:53Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:54Oops.
00:02:55It's the U.S.M.
00:02:56Ready, aim, fire.
00:02:57Oops.
00:02:58It's the U.S.M.
00:02:59Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:00Oops.
00:03:01It's the U.S.M.
00:03:02Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:03Oops.
00:03:04It's the U.S.M.
00:03:05Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:06Oops.
00:03:07It's the U.S.M.
00:03:08Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:09Oops.
00:03:10It's the U.S.M.
00:03:11Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:12Oops.
00:03:13It's the U.S.M.
00:03:14Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:15Oops.
00:03:16It's the U.S.M.
00:03:17Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:18Oops.
00:03:19It's the U.S.M.
00:03:20Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:21Oops.
00:03:22It's the U.S.M.
00:03:23Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:24Oops.
00:03:25It's the U.S.M.
00:03:26Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:27Oops.
00:03:28It's the U.S.M.
00:03:29Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:30Oops.
00:03:31It's the U.S.M.
00:03:32Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:33Oops.
00:03:34It's the U.S.M.
00:03:35Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:36Oops.
00:03:37It's the U.S.M.
00:03:38Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:39Oops.
00:03:40It's the U.S.M.
00:03:41Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:42Oops.
00:03:43It's the U.S.M.
00:03:44Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:45Oops.
00:03:46It's the U.S.M.
00:03:47Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:48Oops.
00:03:49It's the U.S.M.
00:03:50Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:51Oops.
00:03:52It's the U.S.M.
00:03:53Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:54Oops.
00:03:55It's the U.S.M.
00:03:56Ready, aim, fire.
00:03:57Oops.
00:03:58It's the U.S.M.
00:03:59Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:00Oops.
00:04:01It's the U.S.M.
00:04:02Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:03Oops.
00:04:04It's the U.S.M.
00:04:05Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:06Oops.
00:04:07It's the U.S.M.
00:04:08Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:09Oops.
00:04:10It's the U.S.M.
00:04:11Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:12Oops.
00:04:13It's the U.S.M.
00:04:14Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:15Oops.
00:04:16It's the U.S.M.
00:04:17Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:18Oops.
00:04:19It's the U.S.M.
00:04:20Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:21Oops.
00:04:22It's the U.S.M.
00:04:23Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:24Oops.
00:04:25It's the U.S.M.
00:04:26Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:27Oops.
00:04:28It's the U.S.M.
00:04:29Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:30Oops.
00:04:31It's the U.S.M.
00:04:32Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:33Oops.
00:04:34It's the U.S.M.
00:04:35Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:36Oops.
00:04:37It's the U.S.M.
00:04:38Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:39Oops.
00:04:40It's the U.S.M.
00:04:41Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:42Oops.
00:04:43It's the U.S.M.
00:04:44Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:45Oops.
00:04:46It's the U.S.M.
00:04:47Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:48Oops.
00:04:49It's the U.S.M.
00:04:50Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:51Oops.
00:04:52It's the U.S.M.
00:04:53Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:54Oops.
00:04:55It's the U.S.M.
00:04:56Ready, aim, fire.
00:04:57Oops.
00:04:58It's the U.S.M.
00:04:59Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:00Oops.
00:05:01It's the U.S.M.
00:05:02Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:03Oops.
00:05:04It's the U.S.M.
00:05:05Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:06Oops.
00:05:07It's the U.S.M.
00:05:08Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:09Oops.
00:05:10It's the U.S.M.
00:05:11Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:12Oops.
00:05:13It's the U.S.M.
00:05:14Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:15Oops.
00:05:16It's the U.S.M.
00:05:17Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:18Oops.
00:05:19It's the U.S.M.
00:05:20Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:21Oops.
00:05:22It's the U.S.M.
00:05:23Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:24Oops.
00:05:25It's the U.S.M.
00:05:26Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:27Oops.
00:05:28It's the U.S.M.
00:05:29Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:30Oops.
00:05:31It's the U.S.M.
00:05:32Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:33Oops.
00:05:34It's the U.S.M.
00:05:35Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:36Oops.
00:05:38It's the U.S.M.
00:05:40Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:44Oops.
00:05:45It's the U.S.M.
00:05:49Ready, aim, fire.
00:05:55Oops.
00:05:56It's the U.S.M.
00:06:02How long have you been here now?
00:06:04Ten years?
00:06:05There you go.
00:06:06Have you four kids?
00:06:07I hope you're not bringing them in.
00:06:08We don't get that many seats.
00:06:09Aye.
00:06:10Look, we'll see what happens.
00:06:11I'll get you in somehow.
00:06:12By hook or by crook.
00:06:13OK, Dick.
00:06:14See you later.
00:06:15Cheers, man.
00:06:16Bye.
00:06:17Thank God.
00:06:18He was in my class at school.
00:06:19Amazing.
00:06:20Aye.
00:06:21Ten years he's been here.
00:06:22Aye, wouldn't it be great to be a priest or something?
00:06:24And he became an engineer instead.
00:06:25It's amazing the things you do at school.
00:06:26Did you ever pee yourself in the class at school?
00:06:27Miss, miss, miss.
00:06:28Miss.
00:06:29Shit.
00:06:30Miss.
00:06:31Miss.
00:06:32Come on.
00:06:33Miss.
00:06:34Miss.
00:06:35Miss.
00:06:36Miss.
00:06:37Please.
00:06:38Please.
00:06:39Miss.
00:06:40Miss.
00:06:41Miss.
00:06:42Miss.
00:06:43Come on.
00:06:44Miss.
00:06:45Miss.
00:06:46Miss.
00:06:47Miss.
00:06:48Miss.
00:06:49Miss.
00:06:50Miss.
00:06:51Miss.
00:06:52Miss.
00:06:53Oh, hah ha haa.
00:06:56Connolly, will you be quiet.
00:06:58Don't you see I'm trying to teach the rest of the class.
00:07:02They want to learn even if you don't.
00:07:05Me...
00:07:12What is it, Connolly?
00:07:15Ah, forget it.
00:07:16Stephen.
00:07:19This is the manager of the hotel, Michael Conley.
00:07:23Hello.
00:07:26I was just telling him earlier, the last time I was here they nearly threw me out.
00:07:30That's right.
00:07:31Six o'clock in the morning.
00:07:32He didn't believe I was resting.
00:07:34We throw everybody out.
00:07:37We have a code here.
00:07:38Take it easy Billy, I'll see you later.
00:07:40Sure thing.
00:07:41He wants to see if you'll see some press about ten o'clock tonight, is that possible?
00:07:46It's an Irish paper or something, is that OK?
00:07:48Well I'd rather see them after it.
00:07:49After it, right.
00:07:50I'm fed up explaining to people what I do.
00:07:52I'd rather they came and saw me then, talk to me with conclusions,
00:07:55that they've come out themselves.
00:07:57Yeah.
00:07:58Listen, there's no harm in telling them.
00:08:00Try and tell them I don't mind seeing them after it.
00:08:03If they can wait up that late, it'll do me.
00:08:05But I really don't fancy seeing them before it.
00:08:08Tony Willis, no?
00:08:09Evening, Harold.
00:08:10Evening, Harold.
00:08:11I heard a great evening press.
00:08:14I wish this was after the show.
00:08:17But anyway, we've been...
00:08:21We hope you...
00:08:22I know you will, but listen, it's come ahead.
00:08:25I don't know, I've never been here in my life.
00:08:28So I've never felt so foreign.
00:08:30We're in the Celts, you remember that.
00:08:32Do you worry about people understanding your accent at all?
00:08:35I don't know.
00:08:36Ask me after.
00:08:38Well nowadays the thing...
00:08:39It's a full house tonight.
00:08:40Yeah, the full house.
00:08:41The thing I've learned when John McGrath was here,
00:08:44I heard the two shows,
00:08:46and it was difficult at times to understand.
00:08:49Oh, well, it'll be difficult then.
00:08:51If that was difficult, tonight's torture.
00:08:55Great.
00:08:57If you look, there's Billy Johnson.
00:08:59There's Marodi.
00:09:00If you would arrange it through him.
00:09:02Hey, Peter.
00:09:03Can you point him out to me?
00:09:05There he is.
00:09:06The black jacket.
00:09:08You don't even have an exciting stage name.
00:09:10You sound like the guy next door.
00:09:12I am, I am, I am, I am.
00:09:14What are you doing?
00:09:18Well, I'm just mingling,
00:09:19because I said I wouldn't say too much
00:09:21until they had seen the show.
00:09:23I think it's only fair that they should see it
00:09:25and form opinions.
00:09:26Then I'll talk to anybody.
00:09:30Paddy.
00:09:31Would you put on a couple of spuds for me?
00:09:33One, two, one.
00:09:34Okay.
00:09:36One, two, one.
00:09:37One, two, one.
00:09:38In there.
00:09:39One, two.
00:09:40One, two, one.
00:09:42One, two, one.
00:09:44Testing.
00:09:45One, two, one.
00:09:47One, two, one.
00:09:48One, two, one.
00:09:50Okay, dogs.
00:09:51We'll get somebody on this door all the time.
00:09:53The smith here's on the door all the time.
00:09:55You're going to be on the door.
00:09:56Make sure that nobody,
00:09:57bar myself and not Billy Johnson
00:09:59and Billy Connolly get through the door.
00:10:01And there's nobody to be backstage.
00:10:03It doesn't matter where the press are.
00:10:05There's nobody backstage.
00:10:06If they say it's his mother,
00:10:08it doesn't make any difference.
00:10:09Okay?
00:10:10We have the front bar set to go down on this.
00:10:13Put on the front bars just for a second.
00:10:15They're just on both sides shining down on them.
00:10:18These are much better, those ones up there.
00:10:20Just have the front bar on.
00:10:21Yeah, the front bar plus the two former spuds.
00:10:23Okay.
00:10:24Do you get much objection to the religious jokes, anyway?
00:10:28Eh, yeah.
00:10:30I'd imagine you get more in Scotland than you would here.
00:10:32No.
00:10:34I would say about...
00:10:35I would say about...
00:10:38I would say about...
00:10:40About a tenth of the people who talk about it to me
00:10:44complain about it.
00:10:45About a tenth.
00:10:46About a tenth?
00:10:47Aye, that's all.
00:10:48And I find that most people who treat their religion
00:10:50in a devout way don't complain about it.
00:10:53Very odd.
00:10:56There's a big spread in the paper saying
00:10:58I've nothing against the man,
00:11:00but he is a blasphemer.
00:11:03I love these words, a blasphemer.
00:11:05With a name like Connolly coming from Scotland,
00:11:08do you think Dublin couldn't take it?
00:11:10No, it's just I'm a bit afraid.
00:11:12I don't know what they can take.
00:11:13It's totally foreign to me.
00:11:14Listen, Billy, you're a family man.
00:11:16You have a wife and two children, right?
00:11:18Yes, that's right.
00:11:19You're over here.
00:11:20This is sort of a frenetic scene.
00:11:22People enjoying themselves.
00:11:23Yeah.
00:11:24But you're going to Belfast.
00:11:26That's right, yeah.
00:11:27You could be blown up tomorrow night.
00:11:29Yeah, I don't think so, somehow.
00:11:31My wife thinks like that,
00:11:32but I've never really thought much about it.
00:11:34I'm frightened to think about it, really.
00:11:36I don't feel like a crusader or anything,
00:11:39but I think I've got a keen duty to go.
00:11:41I sell records up there.
00:11:42But, I mean,
00:11:43many artists, even our own Miami show band,
00:11:45have gone across the border.
00:11:47I know what happened to them.
00:11:48Oh, I know that, yeah.
00:11:49And they asked me, so I thought,
00:11:51well, what the hell?
00:11:54These receptions get very wearing, don't they?
00:11:58Oh, what?
00:12:02I've never been in a city
00:12:03that warns you so much before you go on stage.
00:12:08Even Edinburgh don't do that.
00:12:12Yeah.
00:12:16It just makes you frightened.
00:12:21It's weird,
00:12:23because so many people say
00:12:24so many different things to you in one room.
00:12:26I thought you said London.
00:12:27You come out knowing less than you went in.
00:12:29All right?
00:12:31This is old Mr Carney.
00:12:33That's right.
00:12:34He's the major.
00:12:37Who are you?
00:12:38Yeah.
00:12:39What's your number?
00:12:40Are you the manager?
00:12:41Stage manager.
00:12:42Stage manager.
00:12:43Is that that band that played just now?
00:12:45What are they called?
00:12:46Spuds.
00:12:47Spuds?
00:12:48Yeah.
00:12:49Good name.
00:12:53Tea time.
00:13:00Ladies, tea.
00:13:20Sir, banjo.
00:13:29Yes.
00:13:59A little bit of banjo.
00:14:29Banjo.
00:14:59Stop it.
00:15:29Banjo.
00:16:00That's a fine one.
00:16:02I can't get it on the tone.
00:16:04That's OK.
00:16:05Once you've grabbed it,
00:16:06hammer it when you're outside
00:16:07and it spoils it a wee bit.
00:16:13We made one
00:16:14and sent it up to be tried on
00:16:16and I tried it on
00:16:17and thought it was amazing, you know.
00:16:19And I, er,
00:16:21I said, Rick,
00:16:22can I have a go at it?
00:16:23And he said,
00:16:24no, no, no, no, no.
00:16:25I said,
00:16:26no, no, no, no, no.
00:16:27And I, er,
00:16:28I said, Rick,
00:16:29carry on with the other one.
00:16:30So he phones up and says,
00:16:31the other one's ready.
00:16:33He said,
00:16:34I must warn you, he said,
00:16:35they're not identical,
00:16:36but then,
00:16:37bananas never are.
00:16:45That's fair.
00:16:57Come on.
00:17:03Oh, you're the band.
00:17:04I saw you missed our show.
00:17:05I got to downstairs,
00:17:06I was listening.
00:17:07Was one of you playing
00:17:08Bluegrass Banjo?
00:17:09Yeah.
00:17:10That was nice.
00:17:11Stealing all my thunder.
00:17:12Do you do it as well?
00:17:13I just do one.
00:17:14Yeah.
00:17:15There's no place like home,
00:17:16do you know it?
00:17:17Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:17:18The Scruggs Peck thing.
00:17:19Oh, have you got it?
00:17:20What sort of banjo have you got?
00:17:21Wood.
00:17:23Woody.
00:17:24Flammas myself.
00:17:25Flammas, they're quite good, aren't they?
00:17:26They're not bad at all.
00:17:27The short neck's great.
00:17:28I could never find one.
00:17:29It was only long there.
00:17:30Yeah.
00:17:31The way you did it.
00:17:32Yeah, yeah.
00:17:33Unbalanced.
00:17:34Are you coming to Belfast?
00:17:35Tomorrow?
00:17:36No, we're not.
00:17:37No, we're not.
00:17:38Oh.
00:17:39Your spuds.
00:17:40Yeah.
00:17:41Spud.
00:17:42I saw your show in Parkinson's,
00:17:43it was really nice.
00:17:44I sort of do.
00:17:45I think that's what filled it.
00:17:46Yeah.
00:17:47I hope they don't get a shock
00:17:48because I'm not like that.
00:17:49You're not.
00:17:50No.
00:17:51We go on and talk
00:17:52and you can sort of do the thing.
00:17:53Actually, he's down there.
00:17:54We'll get him there.
00:17:56Right, they're looking for you.
00:18:15Thanks very much.
00:18:18I'd like to talk to you
00:18:19and sing you a wee song
00:18:20about swearing.
00:18:21Now, as you all know,
00:18:22thanks very much.
00:18:23As you know,
00:18:24swearing is nasty
00:18:25and I think most people swear.
00:18:26But I happen to think
00:18:27that Glasgow people swear better
00:18:28than anybody else in the world.
00:18:29It's like machine gun fire,
00:18:30you know.
00:18:32Thanks very much.
00:18:33As you know,
00:18:34swearing is nasty
00:18:35and I think most people swear.
00:18:36But I happen to think
00:18:37that Glasgow people swear better
00:18:38than anybody else in the world.
00:18:39It's like machine gun fire,
00:18:40you know.
00:18:41It's no mistake,
00:18:42but this is usually heard
00:18:43at football matches
00:18:44and it's usually accompanied
00:18:45by a mouthful of cold pie
00:18:46and Bovril.
00:18:47Many times I've been standing
00:18:48at the match
00:18:49praying that nobody scores
00:18:50because there's no point
00:18:51in swearing.
00:18:52I've been praying
00:18:53that nobody scores
00:18:54because there's no point
00:18:55in swearing.
00:18:56I've been praying
00:18:57that nobody scores
00:18:58because there's no point
00:18:59in swearing.
00:19:00I've been praying
00:19:01that nobody scores
00:19:02because there's one
00:19:03of these guys behind me.
00:19:04Go off!
00:19:05Oh, it's bloody...
00:19:06But the best examples
00:19:07of swearing
00:19:08are heard at George Square,
00:19:09right in the centre of town
00:19:10at half past twelve at night,
00:19:11waiting for the last bus
00:19:12to Drumchapel,
00:19:13which is a reservation
00:19:14on the outskirts,
00:19:15you know.
00:19:16And you can see
00:19:17all these rubber men
00:19:18in the square.
00:19:19And we have
00:19:20a lot of rubber men
00:19:21in the square.
00:19:22And we have
00:19:23a lot of rubber men
00:19:24in the square.
00:19:25And we have
00:19:26a lot of rubber men
00:19:27in the square.
00:19:28And we have
00:19:29an MP5.
00:19:35And we have
00:19:36an MP5.
00:19:41You ever notice
00:19:42about that guy
00:19:43that's got drunk?
00:19:44He walks with one leg.
00:19:53He's usually
00:19:54carrying a fish supper,
00:19:57which looks as if
00:19:58And he's got a chip in his right hand which he's trying to stare at.
00:20:14He's doing his one-legged walk and wondering how come he's knackered and not getting any
00:20:18blood.
00:20:23He's asking everybody if they're alright.
00:20:28You alright?
00:20:30You alright, pal, eh?
00:20:33He's the unalrightest looking guy in the world, you know.
00:20:37You alright?
00:20:40It's no long till he swears, I can hear it building up.
00:20:44No talking, eh?
00:20:47Cause you're with a bird, eh?
00:20:50In the hoof, is it?
00:20:53You're funny, aren't you, pal?
00:21:13I've got piles, you've got scabies.
00:21:16The ween's got the measles and the duck's got the rabies, oh boy.
00:21:21The world can see that you were made for me.
00:21:45I'm losing my hair, my arches are falling.
00:21:48Our six kids are always bawling.
00:21:50There's nappies in the kitchen and toys in the stairs.
00:21:53And when I ask you for support, you shout,
00:21:55Up the chairs!
00:21:58What?
00:22:01I'm a thistle supporter.
00:22:04We'll get into Europe next year, if there's a war.
00:22:08APPLAUSE
00:22:17All my life I've been kissing your left head,
00:22:21Cause your right one's missing, oh boy.
00:22:24When you're with me, oh boy.
00:22:27The world can see that you were made for me.
00:22:32Jump in the young pump, oh boy.
00:22:36APPLAUSE
00:23:02Come on, buddy.
00:23:22Oh, come on.
00:23:25Oh, you see it?
00:23:29See that?
00:23:31It's like hay fridges.
00:23:33You feel better.
00:23:40Oh, Christ, I need a nap.
00:23:53I've had video television, something like that.
00:23:58The big guy, do you remember speaking to him last night?
00:24:02He's announced, already announced this morning,
00:24:05That you'd be there, in the studio.
00:24:10Clever cat, eh?
00:24:13He phoned me up at nine or something.
00:24:16Well, I was supposed to be there by 11, though.
00:24:19Aye.
00:24:21We could still make it if you want to go.
00:24:24Cut!
00:24:26The show ended at 25 to 2 this morning,
00:24:29And if that wasn't enough, Billy Connolly has pulled himself out of his bed,
00:24:32And has come in to talk to us. Billy, do you feel worse than I do?
00:24:35Oh, I do. I feel really...
00:24:38I must say, I feel...
00:24:41You've got a red light on this table here,
00:24:44That matches my eyes perfectly, you know?
00:24:47You don't get eyes like that playing table tennis.
00:24:50What about the strain of doing an hour and a half?
00:24:54OK. On the British tour, I've been doing two and a bit.
00:24:57And it's... Because you can cover a...
00:25:00You don't need to hurry anything up,
00:25:03And my stories take quite a long time to tell
00:25:06Before I get to the punchline of the song.
00:25:09Is it... Your humour is sort of very...
00:25:12Very much a Glasgow humour,
00:25:15But are you surprised the way it's caught on,
00:25:18And people are accepting you,
00:25:21I think it's great.
00:25:24I've got no complaints whatsoever.
00:25:27And does it have any kind of commitment to the idea
00:25:30Of speaking frankly openly about, say, sexuality?
00:25:33Aye, sure.
00:25:36Well, I don't do very much sexual stuff,
00:25:39But I do touch on the periphery,
00:25:42On the body.
00:25:45And that'll do me. I think it's a long overdue,
00:25:49So I'm never as honest about it.
00:25:52A lady said that she was at the show last night,
00:25:55She enjoyed it, it was good, but vulgar.
00:25:58That's OK with me. It's vulgar, of course it's vulgar.
00:26:01And I'm glad she said it was good.
00:26:04But the vulgar part, sure. And I do it on purpose.
00:26:07Why?
00:26:10Because I enjoy it from the stage,
00:26:13And the audience very obviously enjoys it.
00:26:16Now, the Scottish press get tore into me
00:26:19For being rude and offensive,
00:26:22Just because I talked about my willy.
00:26:25But that's not very fair,
00:26:28Because there's nothing wrong with it.
00:26:31It's a shame, then,
00:26:34Getting tore into by a poor folk singer like myself.
00:26:37What's wrong with willies all of a sudden?
00:26:4053.9% of the population of Great Britain's got a willy.
00:26:44That's not fair.
00:26:47I used to work beside a Jehovah Witness.
00:26:50When he went for a pee, he took his willy out with a hanky.
00:26:53And when you look at it,
00:26:56Nasty bad willy.
00:26:59That's a hell of a carry-on, isn't it?
00:27:02And then you go to primary school,
00:27:05And you're a wee boy, and nobody knows anything,
00:27:08So they're all telling each other lies.
00:27:11You're a big willy and a sad guy!
00:27:14So what's up with me?
00:27:17What's wrong with me, eh?
00:27:20It's all right for a Jewish guy
00:27:23Who's cutting big duds, is it?
00:27:26There you are, with your big duds.
00:27:29Another thing I've talked about
00:27:32That got me into a bit of trouble
00:27:35Was toilets.
00:27:39Look, these urinals
00:27:42Were starting to line up for that.
00:27:45You're frightened to look round
00:27:48In case somebody's smiling at you.
00:27:51Start talking with a deep voice.
00:27:54That's hellish, isn't it?
00:27:57And it's so boring standing there, you know.
00:28:00Once you've read Shank's Bar Head,
00:28:03That's your lot.
00:28:07You're really lucky, though,
00:28:10When you get the VD notice right in front of you.
00:28:13That's good for a good three minutes.
00:28:16Then you come to the symptoms.
00:28:19Whoa!
00:28:22You get a guy who haunts the place.
00:28:25The Willy Watcher.
00:28:28Hey, Luna!
00:28:31I was going to get effed off tattooed on mine.
00:28:34It's too many letters, though.
00:28:37What's done?
00:28:40What's done?
00:28:43What's done?
00:28:46What's done?
00:28:50What specifically would you say
00:28:53To people who were offended by it?
00:28:56I mean, I know a lot of people in the audience were.
00:28:59Yeah, well, there's nothing at all I can say to them.
00:29:02What I'd say is leave, get your money back and go away.
00:29:05Yeah, it's in the wrong hands.
00:29:08Where do you go from here now?
00:29:11You've got more?
00:29:14On the tour?
00:29:17Is that Mr. Jamaica?
00:29:20You're a he-man.
00:29:23Sounds like Mr. Universe, doesn't it?
00:29:26Mr. Jamaica and a white skinny guy.
00:29:29I've got two performances in Belfast tonight,
00:29:32And that's it, finished.
00:29:35That's the entire tour finished.
00:29:38Go to bed for a while, I think.
00:29:41Is your humor mainly based on
00:29:45Being working past a tragic person?
00:29:48I should imagine so.
00:29:51What about the hecklers?
00:29:54There were one or two in the audience,
00:29:57And you handled them very well.
00:30:00Do you think that audience participation is a good thing?
00:30:03Oh, I think it's a very good thing, yeah.
00:30:06But I don't think it's terribly fair
00:30:09To sit in the dark and shoot and bawl at somebody.
00:30:12If it's terribly fair, you should be allowed to say it.
00:30:15Are you all right up there?
00:30:24That's really brave, isn't it?
00:30:27I'd love to see you dane into ivorocks.
00:30:42Rather you than me, pal, I'll tell you that.
00:30:47Carve it in your forehead, will you?
00:30:52Oh, aye.
00:30:55Oh, raw meat they eat, will you?
00:30:58Oh, nae messin'.
00:31:01See these scarves they wear? They're stitched on.
00:31:04Oh, aye.
00:31:07Oh, none of your rubbish.
00:31:12Oh, oh, oh.
00:31:17What's he saying?
00:31:20Pardon?
00:31:23Does Mother Superior know you're out, aye?
00:31:32My God, you all right, aye?
00:31:35What up here?
00:31:39You must feel awful brave.
00:31:43You're afraid everybody sees a hole in your welly, aren't you?
00:31:49Aye, it's a game.
00:31:52Expect that from the likes of you.
00:31:56If I've got a microphone and I'm sober, I should beat them every time.
00:31:59Yeah. Yeah.
00:32:02I thought your skits on the recruitment techniques,
00:32:05I thought that was very good.
00:32:08Could you expand a bit on your ideas in relation to that?
00:32:13Well, the whole idea of the things they do in the army
00:32:16is that soldiers aren't basically bad people.
00:32:20And, you know, the army is bad,
00:32:23but the soldier himself is conned completely.
00:32:27In Scotland it's getting really wild, you know,
00:32:30as unemployment gets higher.
00:32:33The government has got this new idea.
00:32:37It's an extraordinary sort of doll, grey, normally, like an old school.
00:32:41They have these trendy new job centres.
00:32:44It's like a Firmica doll with fairy lights.
00:32:47Ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:32:50It's stuck on the end of it, it's the Army Information Office.
00:32:53They're all hanging out going,
00:32:56Hello, lads, come on in, work the computer.
00:32:59Come on.
00:33:02You know, that's the big attraction there, the computer.
00:33:06They're going, Aye, I fancy that.
00:33:09Aye, all these poor boys,
00:33:12little wee eejits fae Banff.
00:33:15Aye, I'm going to work one of the computer things.
00:33:18Aye, I think I could knock a tune out of one of them.
00:33:22And away they go in.
00:33:25And the next thing they know,
00:33:28they're walking down one of these terrible roads up there.
00:33:31The best laxative known to man, isn't it?
00:33:34No fair.
00:33:37Have you seen the latest British Army recruiting film?
00:33:40It's a knockout. It's supposed to be serious.
00:33:43A tank comes into the forest, trundle, trundle.
00:33:46And the lid opens and the head comes out.
00:33:49Hello.
00:33:52My name's Bob and I'm a born leader.
00:33:55He's got a lot, this guy.
00:33:58The bolt through the neck, the zip up the back of the head,
00:34:02screw on, Barry.
00:34:05Yeah, got all the gear.
00:34:08I've been in the Army four years now.
00:34:11I make 40 pounds a week, all found.
00:34:14Keep me locked because I'm a selfish bastard.
00:34:17Right.
00:34:20That's Mummy Harry over there.
00:34:23And there's Harry.
00:34:26He's down on one knee with a frying pan over a wee fire.
00:34:29He's got two eggs in it.
00:34:32There's five of them. He's got two eggs.
00:34:37Hello.
00:34:40My name's Harry.
00:34:43I like meeting people.
00:34:48I shoot some of them.
00:34:53I've been in the Army four years now. I make 40 pounds a week.
00:34:57You can buy thousands and thousands of Smarties with 40 pounds.
00:35:04Hey, Charlie.
00:35:09Hey, my friend Charlie over there in the field there.
00:35:12Charlie's a good laugh.
00:35:15There's this lunatic in the middle of the field going...
00:35:18And there's a farmer's wife going, what do you want?
00:35:21What is it?
00:35:24So before it gets any more embarrassing, they shoot back to the woods.
00:35:27And Harry with a frying pan must be a right crawler
00:35:30because he's given both the eggs to the barn leader, Bob,
00:35:33who scoffs a lot.
00:35:36Nobody's getting anything.
00:35:39They're all shaving up against trees and all that.
00:35:42With their shirts kind of rolled in, all looking at the eggs disappearing.
00:35:45And he goes...
00:35:48They all jump back in the tank and away into the sunset.
00:35:52And then the big BBC voice comes on and says,
00:35:55will you be happy going to your work tomorrow?
00:35:58I said, bloody right I will, pal, aye.
00:36:01How do you actually see yourself?
00:36:04I mean, you know, some people say you're a beer comedian
00:36:07and others call you an entertainer,
00:36:10which is a sort of weird word to use.
00:36:13I don't like the pigeonholing process.
00:36:16I've always had great difficulty myself
00:36:20trying to assess exactly what I am, you know.
00:36:25But, er...
00:36:28God knows.
00:36:31A comic singer.
00:36:34Banjo player.
00:36:44Yeah.
00:36:47OK, yeah, nothing of anything else.
00:36:50That's it for me anyway.
00:36:53Thanks very much, Billy.
00:36:56OK, Billy Connolly, thank you very much.
00:36:59We will play ourselves out with another little bit of York music.
00:37:02Thanks very much.
00:37:05Right, well, thank you very much indeed.
00:37:08Thank you very much.
00:37:11Thank you.
00:37:15Folklore.
00:37:18We'll take a commercial break now, sir.
00:37:21No, we're going to the folklore piece.
00:37:24Oh, sorry, guys.
00:37:45I think there's one here. Did you order one?
00:37:48No.
00:37:51Thanks.
00:37:54Cheers.
00:37:57Yes.
00:38:05What's that pub you can keep called?
00:38:08Ace of Hearts? Ace of Hearts.
00:38:11It's around the corner, Daley's.
00:38:14Big, long bar.
00:38:21Oh, my God, Thomas.
00:38:24You all right?
00:38:27What's that?
00:38:30That's not bad.
00:38:35If we can get through these two tonight.
00:38:44Thank you.
00:38:48There it is.
00:39:10Oh, to be in England,
00:39:13eating tea and muffins on the lawn.
00:39:16But, Bill, there's a job to be done.
00:39:19Yes.
00:39:22Give us a light.
00:39:25Oh, wait a minute, the light goes out.
00:39:28Yes, we'll flatten Jerry this time
00:39:31for you, Mum, and England, and Cynthia, too.
00:39:38No smoke.
00:39:42Conway to cockpit.
00:39:45Conway to cockpit.
00:39:53You like that one?
00:39:57That's OK, that's OK.
00:40:00That's a good one.
00:40:03That's not too terrible.
00:40:06You like that?
00:40:09I'll get you the more modern ones.
00:40:12This is the older one, isn't it?
00:40:15The older ones, it's transatlantic records.
00:40:18They're like old tracks.
00:40:21Put a suit in that one.
00:40:24Does it sound sweet?
00:40:27Oh, yes.
00:40:32God, it looks awful nice here, doesn't it?
00:40:35What a beautiful thing.
00:40:39Yes, it's lovely.
00:40:42Who would think such a violent place could be...
00:40:49Here we go.
00:40:57We'll meet again
00:41:00Don't know where
00:41:03Don't know where
00:41:07I've got an idea, darling.
00:41:10A man came on stage like a guest at a tanker's wedding.
00:41:13I've only one thing to say to you, Connolly, turd.
00:41:16This is not Sodom or Gomorrah.
00:41:19So drop these people naked, I say.
00:41:22Keep their children away.
00:41:36I was talking about it last night in Dublin and it got a kind of angry silence.
00:42:05Did you join it specifically or did you just join and get bit in there?
00:42:21I didn't know about it until I came round to the office.
00:42:22It's a weird regiment isn't it?
00:42:23You don't hear much about them do you?
00:42:24No.
00:42:26I didn't even know they existed until I saw them.
00:42:32It was yours too.
00:42:33Aye, it was still my pen.
00:42:34Oh you get a pair of wings?
00:42:35Aye.
00:42:36Are they for the 15th?
00:42:37Aye.
00:42:38Are you allowed to wear them or not?
00:42:39Aye, I'm still wearing them aye.
00:42:40No bother.
00:42:41No bother at all like no?
00:42:42Aye.
00:42:43Especially.
00:42:44It's a bit of a shame.
00:42:45It's a shame.
00:42:46It's a shame.
00:42:47It's a shame.
00:42:48It's a shame.
00:42:49It's a shame.
00:42:50It's a shame.
00:42:51It's a shame.
00:42:52It's a shame.
00:42:53It's a shame.
00:42:54Especially.
00:42:55There you go.
00:42:56Thank you very much.
00:42:57Have fun guys.
00:42:58Please do.
00:42:59For.
00:43:00Especially.
00:43:01Good to see you.
00:43:02I'm home and.
00:43:03I'm lying in bed.
00:43:04I'm in room twenty six.
00:43:14Thinking on things that I've done.
00:43:15Like drinking whiskleades,
00:43:16and pulling my boots.
00:43:17And counting the medals I've won.
00:43:18And counting the medals I've won
00:43:23These hospital wards are all drab looking joints
00:43:28But the ceiling's as much as I see
00:43:32It could be with a wee touch of paper or paint
00:43:38But then again, maybe that's me
00:43:42Oh Sergeant, is this the adventure you meant?
00:43:47When I put my name down on the line
00:43:52Oh that talk of computers and sunshine and skis
00:43:57Oh I'm asking you Sergeant, where's mine?
00:44:02I've a brother in Glasgow with long curly hair
00:44:07When I joined up he said I was daft
00:44:12He says shooting strangers just is nae his game
00:44:17That brother of mine is nae saft
00:44:22But I can put up with most things I've done in my time
00:44:27I can even put up with the pains
00:44:32But what do you do with a gun in your hand
00:44:37When you're faced with a hundred odd ways
00:44:42Oh Sergeant, is this the adventure you meant?
00:44:47When I put my name down on the line
00:44:52Oh that talk of computers and sunshine and skis
00:44:57Oh I'm asking you Sergeant, where's mine?
00:45:02Oh I'm asking you Sergeant, where's mine?
00:45:07Oh I'm asking you Sergeant, where's mine?
00:45:38Oh that's good, so is it
00:45:40Because when the lights go out, I don't know what shape it is, you know
00:45:43I do have a wee look first
00:45:45That's fine
00:45:50Nice, nice, that's fine
00:46:00You know what's up, you make that D too bloody easy
00:46:03Remember the three particles, don't make a puzzle board very slow
00:46:07My God
00:46:10You want to see that keyboard though
00:46:17Come again
00:46:21Are you Frank?
00:46:23Frank?
00:46:26Oh I saw you there
00:46:28I'm still waiting for the first cop to bring us food
00:46:32I'll be still bored
00:46:34I'll be here for about an hour and a half
00:46:38That's your third house
00:46:40Look at that
00:46:46Come on you beauty, look at that
00:46:51I give up
00:46:52It's an Irish teapot, you have to put a penny in the top for it to work
00:46:55I thought that was Scotch, remember?
00:46:57No, no, it's that nasty rumour
00:47:01I don't know what's up with it, has it always been like that?
00:47:05I've got a tool kit, I'll give you a look at it
00:47:08I think it was the plumber's helper that made this one
00:47:11There you are
00:47:12Thank you
00:47:13Well done
00:47:14Get another cup of half eight
00:47:16Is that OK ladies, about half past eight?
00:48:00Thank you
00:48:22Get out the door for me please
00:48:26You can come and do anything you want in ten minutes
00:48:29What can you miss ladies?
00:48:55Thank you
00:49:26I'm sorry
00:49:33I'm sorry
00:49:55I'm sorry
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00:53:05I'm sorry
00:53:06I'm sorry
00:53:07I'm sorry
00:53:08I'm sorry
00:53:09I'm sorry
00:53:10I'm sorry
00:53:11I'm sorry
00:53:12I'm sorry
00:53:13I'm sorry
00:53:14I'm sorry
00:53:15I'm sorry
00:53:16I'm sorry
00:53:17I'm sorry
00:53:18I'm sorry
00:53:19I'm sorry
00:53:20I'm sorry
00:53:21I'm sorry
00:53:22I'm sorry
00:53:23I'm sorry
00:53:24I'm sorry
00:53:25I'm sorry
00:53:26I'm sorry
00:53:27I'm sorry
00:53:28I'm sorry
00:53:29I'm sorry
00:53:30I'm sorry
00:53:31I'm sorry
00:53:32I'm sorry
00:53:33I'm sorry
00:53:34I'm sorry
00:53:35I'm sorry
00:53:36I'm sorry
00:53:37I'm sorry
00:53:38I'm sorry
00:53:39I'm sorry
00:53:40I'm sorry
00:53:41I'm sorry
00:53:42I'm sorry
00:53:43I'm sorry
00:53:44I'm sorry
00:53:45I'm sorry
00:53:46I'm sorry
00:53:47I'm sorry
00:53:48I'm sorry
00:53:49I'm sorry
00:53:50I'm sorry
00:53:51I'm sorry
00:53:52I'm sorry
00:53:53I'm sorry
00:53:54I'm sorry
00:53:55I'm sorry
00:53:56I'm sorry
00:53:57I'm sorry
00:53:58I'm sorry
00:53:59I'm sorry
00:54:00I'm sorry
00:54:01I'm sorry
00:54:02I'm sorry
00:54:03I'm sorry
00:54:04I'm sorry
00:54:05I'm sorry
00:54:06I'm sorry
00:54:07I'm sorry
00:54:08I'm sorry
00:54:09I'm sorry
00:54:10I'm sorry
00:54:11I'm sorry
00:54:12I'm sorry
00:54:13I'm sorry
00:54:14I'm sorry
00:54:15I'm sorry
00:54:16I'm sorry
00:54:17I'm sorry
00:54:19Take the rollers from your head
00:54:26Shake them loose
00:54:28And let them fall
00:54:31Put them down by your glass eye
00:54:37And not chatty by the wall
00:54:42Though your teeth are black and gone, and your breath smells out of sight,
00:54:53I'll put a clothes peg on my nose, to help me make it through the night.
00:55:06Now I'm no saying that you're weird, what a voice, I'm merely trying to understand,
00:55:17why you carved your name out with a scout knife, on the back of my left hand.
00:55:29Though I'm not one to complain, your drinking habits might be right,
00:55:40but will that case of whiskey, really, help you make it through the night?
00:55:52Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
00:56:22ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
00:56:52Well look, we will spell it P-H-U-Q, so as we're known.
00:56:58So...
00:56:59Sounds like a Vietnamese word, doesn't it?
00:57:01I bet there's a tune in Vietnam called Fuck.
00:57:03That'd be great.
00:57:05I must get a postcard, you know?
00:57:07Having a nice time in fuck, you know?
00:57:16I was always looking for a place called Krook Lok as well, during these battles.
00:57:20But look, this...
00:57:22Slinky off-the-shoulder underwear, eh?
00:57:27But he swore anyway, and the country was up in arms about it, you know?
00:57:30The BBC was on fire.
00:57:32Oh, it's terrible. Mary Whitehouse had to be carried out.
00:57:36Giving the kiss of life to Mick Jagger, you know?
00:57:38Terrible.
00:57:39But she's a hell of a state, mind you.
00:57:41I wouldn't be too happy if my name rhymed with toilet, but there you go.
00:57:44Life's like that, I'm afraid.
00:57:46It's true.
00:57:51You didn't get that one in Glasgow.
00:57:54You're like that Whitehouse laffy. Doesn't he work?
00:57:57I don't get it.
00:58:02I thought it was great that he did it.
00:58:04Not just because he swore, that's nothing.
00:58:06But because it improved the drama on television.
00:58:11Because before, the swearing, it was all...
00:58:14Biff! Ouch! Take that, Jumanda!
00:58:16Biff! Oh, dear!
00:58:18Oh, dear. Right.
00:58:20Now they go, what? Yeah.
00:58:24And I like that bit.
00:58:26Remember all that stuff.
00:58:27Look away, Cynthia! I'm going to box his ears!
00:58:30Biff! Ouch!
00:58:32Who needs it?
00:58:35But...
00:58:36He opened the floodgates to everybody, of course.
00:58:39But you have to draw the line somewhere.
00:58:42Right.
00:58:43Jackanory.
00:58:45You can't go swearing on Jackanory, can you, Billy?
00:58:49Once a teddy bear found a little piece of chocolate.
00:58:52Oh, fuck! Look at that!
00:58:54You see?
00:58:57It upsets the kiddy-winkies.
00:59:01They don't like it. It's nasty.
00:59:05It's not on, is it?
00:59:07They're up in grief.
00:59:10Andy Pandey coming out of the hamper.
00:59:12Where's Libby Lou?
00:59:16Oh, all sorts of terrible things would happen, aye?
00:59:19I've been in that hamper for 11 years. I'm going blind!
00:59:24She's hanging about, and they give me a teddy bear!
00:59:30The flower pot, men.
00:59:34Weed! Oh, flubber weeds!
00:59:38Oh!
00:59:41This is a wee song about it.
00:59:48It's a cowboy song.
00:59:51It's called I've Been So Lonesome In The Saddle Since My Horse Died.
00:59:59They can put me in jail for loving you,
01:00:01but they'll never stop my face from breaking out.
01:00:04They'll never stop my face from breaking out.
01:00:10Let me call you sweetheart. I keep forgetting your name.
01:00:16There was a young man on the BBC.
01:00:21His name was Ken Tynan, and I'm sure you'll agree.
01:00:26He dropped a real clanger that night when we heard
01:00:30him using a one, two, three, four-letter word.
01:00:35A four-letter word, a four-letter word.
01:00:40To ban it would be a shame.
01:00:44It's honest, it's earthy, it ought to be heard.
01:00:49That wonderful one, two, three, four-letter word.
01:00:54It's banded around by the kids for a lark.
01:01:00It's put into practice as soon as it's dark.
01:01:11It's done every night by the rich and the poor.
01:01:16To do it is worse than to say it, I'm sure.
01:01:21A four-letter word, a four-letter word.
01:01:26To ban it would be a shame.
01:01:30It's honest, it's earthy, it ought to be heard.
01:01:35That wonderful one, two, three, four-letter word.
01:01:44It shouldn't be said in public.
01:01:48It shouldn't be said in polite company.
01:01:54When aged we ladies are sipping their tea.
01:02:02But if those ladies' pasts were revealed, sure as hell.
01:02:09They've not only said it, they've done it as well.
01:02:15A four-letter word, a four-letter word.
01:02:20To ban it would be a shame.
01:02:24It's honest, it's earthy, it ought to be heard.
01:02:29That wonderful one, two, three, four-letter word.
01:02:35That wonderful one, two, three, four-letter word.
01:02:43In the South, they don't play this record on the radio because I say bum.
01:02:50So last night in Dublin I said arse.
01:02:54Imagine having eight contraceptives, my God almighty.
01:02:59Imagine getting caught smuggling them.
01:03:04Oh, wasting your case, you say, oh no.
01:03:09Oh, it's for the weaned Christmas party.
01:03:14Oh, how do you do it?
01:03:18Oh, it's for the weaned Christmas party.
01:03:23Oh, how do you do it?
01:03:27See, because, I mean, I'm not just being dirty for its own sake.
01:03:31But when I was a wee boy, we used to buy contraceptives.
01:03:34It was part of my upbringing. I never used them.
01:03:37You know, I used to go, I was only about 12.
01:03:40The soft hat and the pint.
01:03:43And the chemist, hello, ladies and gentlemen.
01:03:46I was just passing in my car and I realised it.
01:03:50And you keep them in your blazer pocket at school.
01:03:54And you keep pulling them out and saying, my God, I've only got two left.
01:04:11There was a guy, there was a guy in Glasgow.
01:04:16He had this terrible affliction, he used to go like that.
01:04:21And he's talking to his mate, he's saying, hang on a minute.
01:04:26He says, that's a hell of an affliction you've got there.
01:04:29He says, I know, it's terrible.
01:04:32He says, is there nothing you can take for that?
01:04:35He says, aye, aspirins.
01:04:38He says, have you not got any?
01:04:41He says, I've got some somewhere.
01:04:44Pulling out bundles of contraceptives out of every pocket.
01:04:48There's a big mountain of them.
01:04:51He says, my God, where do you get all them?
01:04:54It always happens when I go to the chemist and say, give us a bottle of aspirin.
01:05:07That's lovely.
01:05:10See, that's very nice.
01:05:24But you see, I remember the traumatic shock to my system
01:05:29when I left primary school and went to secondary school
01:05:35and discovered there wasn't a wet nose in the place.
01:05:39Snotters blinded me.
01:05:42And I was the only one.
01:05:45And my memories shot back to my primary school,
01:05:49which was like a green ice rink.
01:05:55No matter how much they blew and rubbed to a hanky,
01:06:00horrible looking thing.
01:06:03Even in the summer when there was a heat wave and they dried up,
01:06:07there was two valleys where they should be.
01:06:12It was a pulse of creatures.
01:06:15Even the guys who didn't have any were constantly searching for them.
01:06:23Nothing.
01:06:26Nothing again.
01:06:29Nothing.
01:06:31I think I'll try up here and round the corner a bit.
01:06:34Ooh, a wee cracker.
01:06:39I'll keep that for after.
01:06:43Make a wee ball and hit somebody in the heatwave.
01:06:49Remember that at school?
01:06:53I went to a horrible school, they were always doing horrible things to me.
01:06:57I never did that wet thing in my ear.
01:07:00It was a revolting feeling.
01:07:03But even the teacher in our class had a snotter,
01:07:06a wee clear one, right in the end of his nose.
01:07:09Nine years I waited for it to fall off.
01:07:13It shook once when he was angry, but never actually blocked off.
01:07:18It's a beauty.
01:07:21When you're up next to him, you can see yourself upside down in it.
01:07:27It's nice.
01:07:32Only one guy ever, out of all these snotty people,
01:07:37only one ever got on my nerves or infuriated me in any way.
01:07:42He sat behind me, I never discovered to this day who it was.
01:07:46He used to go...
01:07:49Who's doing that?
01:07:53Who's making that noise?
01:07:58It's you who's doing that, I saw you!
01:08:01No, Billy, it wasn't me.
01:08:04I'm the farter. There was somebody over there.
01:08:08I should have known.
01:08:11I should have known.
01:08:14I should have known.
01:08:16I should have known.
01:08:19This guy was amazing. How I envied him.
01:08:23I really envied him. He was a genius.
01:08:26He could fart at will.
01:08:30Oh, a mind boy. Incredible he was.
01:08:34Do you dare fart?
01:08:37No problem with a man.
01:08:40Why do you want to?
01:08:42If you're the only one, why not give us two?
01:08:46A doddle, a piece of cake.
01:08:49You're a genius. You don't often meet geniuses when you're in primary school.
01:08:58Incredible. He could do all the different kinds as well.
01:09:01Now...
01:09:10Amazing.
01:09:13Even at musical ones that he kept for parties.
01:09:18A genius.
01:09:23How I envied him.
01:09:26Envy.
01:09:28I used to practice.
01:09:31Nothing.
01:09:36Nothing. Not as much as a...
01:09:40I mean, you'd think if God wanted you to fart he'd give you a chimney or something, wouldn't he?
01:09:48Wouldn't it be embarrassing if everybody just walked about like...
01:09:52I am the same myself this morning.
01:09:56And I say it's because you're bums.
01:10:00If you farted with your fingers, I wouldn't bother you at all.
01:10:10You could even do tricks like wearing a rubber glove, you know.
01:10:26And even if it did embarrass you, you could stick it out the window or something.
01:10:32You know what I'm saying, eh? Pop the chimney.
01:10:35Put a cup of tea in your other hand. Really, is that a thing?
01:10:40You can hardly stick your bum out the window, you know.
01:10:44Could you pass the biscuits? Thanks very much.
01:10:48Especially in Glasgow. Somebody would throw darts at it.
01:10:55If it wasn't for your wellies, where would you be?
01:10:59You'd be in the hospital or infirmary
01:11:03For you would have a dose of the flu or even pleurisy
01:11:07If you didn't have your feet in your wellies
01:11:25Thanks very much indeed. Good night.
01:11:56It's nice to live here, isn't it?
01:12:19Keep your hand at the end of the stairs, mate. Don't let him touch it.
01:12:22Don't let him touch your chair.
01:12:52What's the matter?
01:12:57Something else, eh?
01:12:59Oh, what a beautiful audience.
01:13:02Really appreciative, isn't it?
01:13:05Everyone was sorry for them, you know.
01:13:08I can't help it. It's a shame.
01:13:11It's the lady with the slow-pouring tea.
01:13:15Come on!
01:13:18Put it over like that.
01:13:21It's a good straw.
01:13:24It's lovely. You're a wee beauty.
01:13:27Thanks very much.
01:13:29The slowest pour-in.
01:13:32It's been three weeks of the tour.
01:13:35You'd better have dipped a cup into the pour-in.
01:13:38This is a slow pour-in. About an hour and a half.
01:13:42An hour and a half tea break.
01:13:45What did you think of the show? Did you enjoy it?
01:13:48I did. I was afraid I'd have a sags of it.
01:13:51I don't go and offer. I don't make a wee bit of sags.
01:13:56But I don't go and offer it for me.
01:13:59Was it difficult to select how far you could go on the orange-green stuff?
01:14:04I didn't do any of that.
01:14:06Was that on purpose?
01:14:08I was going to do some things.
01:14:10I thought, well, if I lived in Belfast,
01:14:14and I was surrounded by soldiers,
01:14:17the occasional bomb, the occasional killing,
01:14:20when I went for a night out to see a comedian,
01:14:23the last thing I'd want to be reminded of was the depressing side of things.
01:14:27So I dropped it. I'm not afraid.
01:14:29The pee and the uranium and the slashing and all that stuff,
01:14:33it's perfectly normal.
01:14:35Ain't Belfast ready for that?
01:14:37Ah, Lord, aye, they are.
01:14:39They're starved for something like that. They are.
01:14:42You know, ten minutes to ten, the place is packed.
01:14:45Normally you can walk down Royal Avenue,
01:14:48and you can walk round the city hall,
01:14:50and there's nobody there at this hour.
01:14:56I heard you on the radio interview,
01:14:59where you said you were terrified or frightened.
01:15:02Because you and the views I've had,
01:15:04there have been violent ones on the news or television,
01:15:07meeting people who'd left it, you know.
01:15:10But I always wanted to play.
01:15:13I hear that you had advice not to play.
01:15:16Obviously you had advice not to play.
01:15:18Everybody.
01:15:20And as soon as I said, yes, I would,
01:15:22the violence escalated.
01:15:24Oh, what I've done, what I've done.
01:15:27You know, as soon as I sent the contract.
01:15:30But, so, looking back now,
01:15:32I'm very, very, very, very happy I did it.
01:15:35And I'll be back, I tell you that.
01:16:02Don't say, oh no.
01:16:04When the sun comes up, I'll believe in it.
01:16:07Don't give a damn if your heart's grieving.
01:16:09I'm following the things I believe in.
01:16:12Don't say, oh no.
01:16:15Thanks, Belfast. It's been amazing.
01:16:32Thank you.
01:17:02Thank you.
01:17:22Oh, gentle Jesus.
01:17:25Bless Mammy and Daddy.
01:17:28And please let me wake up in the morning.
01:17:29And please, please let me follow Archie McKenzie.