Getting frustrated with my girlfriend's messages after my Dad just died
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00:00My dad died a few days ago, and I'm mourning him.
00:03There were some difficulties with getting my family to organize a celebration of life for him, so it's mainly fallen to me.
00:09On top of this, I have a two-month deadline to submit a research paper for my job before my contract is up.
00:16Afterwards, I will have to move to another research institute, likely not in the same country.
00:21Finally, I have recently developed frequent gastrointestinal pain, which is negatively impacting my quality of life.
00:28My girlfriend went to Europe to visit her sister and travel-slash-tour-slash-sightsee.
00:34She booked her vacation long before my dad passed and flew out before then as well.
00:39I was with my dad in the hospital for around 14 hours the day before he died.
00:44I called her to talk to her, and she was supportive and spent a long time on the phone with me.
00:49Two days later, however, while she's out touring,
00:53she sent me pictures of jewelry in the local shops that she likes in order to train me to understand her style.
00:59I wasn't very responsive to this, but she seemed adamant that I understand her preferences.
01:05The next day, she sent me another picture of jewelry, and I also wasn't very responsive.
01:10She picked up on this and asked what was wrong, so I told her,
01:14my dad just died so jewelry shopping is not going to register in my mind.
01:19After this, she apologized, and I told her I knew she wasn't trying to be insensitive,
01:24but that there was a time and place for things like this.
01:27As far as I was concerned, the issue was settled.
01:31This morning, she messages me and tells me that she doesn't like the way I talked to her yesterday about the jewelry
01:37and that it's better if we don't talk rather than dealing with our issues over text.
01:41She said she knows that I have a lot going on, but that she also has her reasons for sending me messages.
01:47I don't know what these reasons are, but I feel hurt by this.
01:51From my perspective, my dad just died.
01:53Much of the death arrangements have fallen to me.
01:56I'm weeks behind on work, and my girlfriend's biggest concern is that I told her
02:01I didn't want to talk about jewelry or consider it important.
02:04I thought the issue was settled, but evidently, it wasn't settled for her.
02:09I feel like she has been insensitive and hasn't considered the issues I am facing,
02:14even though she knows about all of them.
02:16Comment 1.
02:18N.T.A.
02:19Sorry for your loss.
02:21Your girlfriend sounds very self-centered.
02:23Sending your partner jewelry ideas literally a couple of days after their parent dies is an arsehole thing to do.
02:30And yet she thinks there's a problem with how you spoke to her.
02:34She sounds awful.
02:35Don't let her manipulate you into apologizing.
02:37She is in the wrong.
02:39Who cares about her reasons?
02:41I can't think of one that would excuse this.
02:44There's a time and a place.
02:46Comment 2.
02:48N.T.A.
02:49She was wrong to text you about jewelry when you were in deep mourning but then travel can be very distracting.
02:55Telling her there was a time and place for things like this, after she had already apologized,
03:00might have felt to her like more of a scolding than she needed, and why she then overreacted.
03:06It sounds, T.B.H., like there are other pre-existing tensions at play,
03:11and how much of that is your responsibility and how much of it is yours is between the two of you to figure out.
03:17But for her to make any kind of a deal of it at all when your dad has just died, is deeply insensitive.
03:24Only you know if that's in or out of character for her.
03:27Incredibly sorry for your loss.
03:30Comment 3.
03:32N.T.A.
03:33She's likely sending you pictures of her jewelry taste as an engagement hint,
03:38something completely ill-timed and self-centered, and a major red flag.
03:43Is she this self-centered in the rest of your relationship?
03:46Since she feels it's better if you don't talk, maybe take this time to focus on what's truly important.
03:52The unfortunate loss of your father, his celebration of life, and your work, and most importantly, your well-being and mental health.
04:04My brother was married for 20 years, married young, and in three kids with wife number one, A.J.,
04:10passed away seven months ago at 22, C.J., 21M, and Alice, 19F.
04:17He cheated on his ex-wife and the affair was discovered when his current wife was pregnant with their second child together.
04:23He also had a 20-month-old at the time the affair was discovered.
04:27A.J., C.J., and Alice were still minors at the time so shared custody was set up and they spent an equal amount of time with my brother and with their mom.
04:37The kids hated this.
04:39They were clear from the moment the affair came to light that they would never accept my brother's other children or his current wife.
04:46All three went no contact with my brother upon their 18th birthdays and refused all contact.
04:52A.J. became ill last year and he passed away seven months ago.
04:56My brother was not told.
04:58A.J. passed before he learned this.
05:01I knew and so did my younger brother because we were close to our nephews and niece and were still close to our former sil who was always like a sister to us.
05:10Losing A.J. was one of the hardest things.
05:13He had so much life ahead of him and he was about to become a dad, something my brother was also unaware of.
05:20A.J. had prepared for his passing.
05:23He had written up a will.
05:25Most of everything he had went to his son, who was born six weeks after he died.
05:30But he shared personal possessions with his siblings, C.J. and Alice, and his mom.
05:35He made it very clear in his will he was not leaving anything to my brother or my brother's other children.
05:42My brother was upset that he was kept in the dark about A.J.'s illness.
05:46Even more so when he found out A.J. was expecting a child with his girlfriend and then more when A.J. planned a very private funeral so my brother and his family could not attend.
05:57When it came to light A.J. left nothing to my brother or the younger children my brother became more distraught.
06:03He asked C.J. and Alice he reached out and asked them if he could have some of A.J.'s trinkets that he always kept, something he could pass to the other kids.
06:13They said no way in hell.
06:15This is when my brother tried to involve me.
06:18He told me to think of my younger niece and nephew and asked me to convince C.J. and Alice to let them have something of A.J.'s.
06:26I told him no.
06:27He said I needed to do something because they needed something to remember A.J. by.
06:32He told me to do whatever it takes.
06:35I told him I won't bully his kids for him.
06:38He said I was exaggerating and he never even suggested that.
06:41Comment 1.
06:43N.T.A.
06:44I suspect your brother is using his children to get something that belonged to A.J.
06:49May he rest in peace for himself as opposed to the very flimsy story he's telling.
06:54He made his choice and these are the consequences.
06:56And I think it says a lot about your brother's character that he's willing to harass not only his other children while they're grieving the loss of their brother but also you.
07:05He's proving he still cares only for himself.
07:09I would not lift a finger to help him and would have some very firm words with him if he continued to push issue.
07:15He's been told no.
07:17He needs to accept that.
07:19E.T.A. I'm very sorry for your loss.
07:22Sending internet hugs.
07:24Comment 2.
07:26N.T.A.
07:27But your brother is and keeps adding to his arsehole-ness.
07:31Some people just don't get it.
07:34When they cheat on their spouse, they are also cheating on everyone else who counts on that relationship for love, support, and stability.
07:42He betrayed his kids with his infidelity.
07:45There are consequences for that and for them too.
07:48He needs to grow up and accept that he's missed a lot and will miss much, much more because of his selfishness, cowardice, and callousness towards his children.
07:57Comment 3.
07:59N.T.A. He chose to stick his dick into that other woman, and the kids have zero relationship with him, so they will be fine.
08:07If your brother starts to harass his children, you tell them to leave it to you.
08:11You'll probably have to be the one who starts the process of getting him restrained.
08:16Hopefully, he doesn't know where anyone lies except perhaps you, so maybe only one order might be needed.
08:25My 55M daughter, 19F, is taking three online summer classes this summer.
08:32Back in April, she told me that all her classes would be in person, so I paid for her summer housing and meal plan so she could live on campus.
08:41I didn't think much of it at the time because I trusted her.
08:45Two of them are general education classes, English and physics, and one is a major-specific class,
08:51so I figured that she would want to get her generation requirements out of the way and I'm sure the major-specific class is important for her major.
08:59However, I just found out that her classes are actually all online.
09:04There is a third-party website that has information about classes each semester at her college,
09:09and I was just scrolling through it out of curiosity and happened to see her classes are all online, with no in-person component.
09:17I was very shocked about how I was misled for the last two or three months.
09:21I know that she really likes campus life, but things do tend to tone down over the summer, and she probably is aware of the campus housing fees and whatnot.
09:31This means I spent a good amount of money for housing and meal plans that she didn't actually need.
09:36I'm paying for her education out of her college savings, which we've been saving for many years,
09:42and I want to teach her the value of money and the importance of honesty.
09:46I was on the phone with her, and I told her I decided that I'm not paying for her housing or any of her campus fees next year.
09:54I emphasized that she needs to understand that there are consequences to her actions.
09:59However, she is really upset and says that I'm being too harsh.
10:03She says that in April the classes were listed as in-person but they moved it to virtual at the very last minute, after the deadline for housing withdrawal and refund stuff.
10:13I don't know if this is actually true since I never bothered to check the class listings at that time and I didn't see a reason she would lie about it.
10:21I told her I'm very skeptical that they would move all classes to online at the very last minute because it would certainly disrupt some people's plans, especially those who lease off campus.
10:32My wife said that what I told her was way too harsh, and that unexpected things do happen.
10:37Comment 1, YTA.
10:40This is money already saved and earmarked for college.
10:44It did not stretch you annual budget.
10:46She didn't lie and use the money to go on vacations or shopping sprees.
10:51She used the money for its intended purpose, college.
10:55You are just offended that she stayed on campus instead of coming home for the summer.
11:00And, yes, it is entirely plausible that the classes were switched to online post-enrollment.
11:06Especially if they didn't get the enrollment needed to hold them in person.
11:11But taking away her housing for the fall semester, which you know she needs, is just a cruel power move on your part.
11:18No wonder she picked summer school over coming home if this is the way you parent.
11:23Comment 2, YTA.
11:26It's definitely possible the college moved all the classes online at the last minute.
11:31As a professor I've been hired to teach classes literally a week before the semester started.
11:37Things in academia are way more chaotic than we'd like them to be.
11:41I've also had this happen to fellow professors where classes were cancelled or moved online last minute.
11:47Yeah she should have told you when they moved online but it seems like you never made it clear her living on campus was only an option if classes were in person.
11:56Choosing to not pay for an entire year of housing as a response, putting her in debt most likely, is a huge overreaction.
12:04Comment 3. Did you want her to come home for summer so you could lord over her?
12:10Because it sounds like you're mad she messed up your plans for her summer, and now you want to make E pay.
12:16See doesn't sound like it's about the online courses at all.
12:20She could prefer studying at school, even if it ISS online only.
12:25Maybe when she's home you don't give her any peace and that's why she wanted to stay there instead.
12:30Sounds like you're mad she chose to stay at school instead of come home.s but she's still studying.
12:37Do you love your money so much?
12:42I am looking for advice on how to kindly explain to my future mill why she was not invited to my bridal appointment.
12:49I went to a sample sale back in December and wound up buying the first dress I tried on.
12:54My two sisters and my mom were in the entourage.
12:58The dress was 60% off and was what I was looking for, simple, no lace, no beading, no mesh, fit and flair with a train, so it was a no brainer that it was the one.
13:09My expectations were low as I was worried there would not be a sample gown that would fit me, but this dress was it.
13:16Now on to my future mill.
13:18She has been so bitter this entire planning process and makes a face of disgust every time we show her our wedding plans, hates the colors, the venue, the food, the photographer.
13:29You name it, she will find something about it that she does not like.
13:33I hate what I see when I look in the mirror, so I was not mentally prepared for her inevitable criticisms of the dress, as, in my opinion, it is in a way a criticism of my body.
13:44My fiance disagreed and said she would never be so harsh about my looks, but I do not feel that way.
13:50She would not have liked the experience.
13:53She would have talked me out of this dress.
13:55My future mill is not one to buy something on the spot, she would have wanted me to go home and think on it before buying it.
14:02Now, this is practical, but not how the sample sale worked, as you had to say yes on the spot otherwise it would go to another bride.
14:10She also would not have been able to see my vision, as the dress still needed alterations.
14:16For these reasons, I knew taking her along to the appointment would have resulted in tears, confusion, and not finding a dress.
14:24I swear I intended to take her to the next shopping trip, which wound up not being necessary, and if she had not started giving me the silent treatment, I was going to take her to a bridal fitting.
14:35Now here is where I might be the R.
14:38Since getting the dress without her present, her negative comments have gotten much worse and I have started getting my guard up as soon as we start talking about the wedding with her.
14:48It is to the point where I cannot even handle constructive criticism from her because I am in full fight or flight mode when she is around.
14:55I am honestly not sure who is giving who the silent treatment at this point, but we have stopped talking to each other.
15:02Tomorrow we are supposed to go have a talk with my fiancé present and I need to explain to her with a calm head why things have changed between us.
15:10I feel like this all could have been avoided if she had just come to the damn bridal appointment in the first place, and if I had a spine, I could have just ignored her comments and bought the dress anyways.
15:21Comment 1. NTA, obviously, and if you aren't in therapy already, please get yourself there soon.
15:28The fact that you're seriously entertaining the notion, but if I just let this person who is mean and abusive toward me have their way, maybe they wouldn't be so mean and abusive toward me?
15:39Is alarming. You will presumably be dealing with this nasty woman for the rest of her natural life, and the time to set clear boundaries with her is right now.
15:49Don't let her walk into that wedding ceremony with the impression that she's got a new surrogate child she can push around and demean.
15:56Comment 2. NTA. Granny here, who shopped and picked out my wedding dress, on sale, by myself.
16:05This was in the days before that ridiculous say yes to the dress show, where apparently brides are incapable of picking out a dress without an entourage.
16:14Pay attention to how your fiancé responds to his mother's behavior.
16:18I know more than one person who had a mill who made her life miserable, while Sonny was trying to keep his mother and his wife happy, by staying neutral.
16:27Do you love him enough to put up with her? Does she realize that how she treats you will impact her access to future grandchildren?
16:34Good luck.