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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [music]
00:02 [music]
00:32 Bobby, honey, don't worry.
00:34 Going to your grandmother's for your birthday is gonna be...
00:37 ...great!
00:39 Let's just get this over with.
00:42 Whoa, what's the matter? Aren't you excited to fly to Arizona?
00:45 They got the Grand Canyon there.
00:48 Of course, you won't be seeing it, but...
00:50 No, because Grandma thinks baby Bobby might fall in.
00:55 And anyway, she's got coloring books at her Grand Canyon.
01:00 [music]
01:02 This old man came rolling home.
01:05 [laughs]
01:06 This is my place, Bobby. Home sweet home.
01:10 Building 42, living space K.
01:13 In case we get separated.
01:15 [music]
01:18 I know your birthday's not for another few days, but...
01:21 I'm no good at keeping secrets.
01:24 Happy birthday!
01:29 A policeman's uniform. Ages 7 and up?
01:35 Tilly, tilly, tilly. Bobby isn't 7 years old.
01:39 He's what, 9? 10?
01:41 I'll be 13 next week.
01:43 13? You know, in my religion, 13 is your official passage into manhood.
01:50 It's called a "bamitza," or "big party."
01:54 Is that an Arizona thing?
01:56 Arizona, New York, Miami...
01:59 I got so many fancy pen and pencil sets, I was giving them away for years.
02:04 Pen and pencil set? That is very manly.
02:08 Can I get a bar mitzvah? I'm willing to celebrate Hanukkah.
02:13 Trust me, it's more work than you're gonna want to put in.
02:17 I'll tell you what.
02:19 Tomorrow, you spend the day with me, and I'll show you how a man enjoys Arizona.
02:24 And when you leave here, you'll have hair on your kishkis.
02:28 Hey, whatcha making, Hank?
02:31 Oh, hey, Bill. I'm making a coffin.
02:34 A coffin?
02:35 Yep. I was talking to a client the other day about forest fires,
02:40 and I can't remember exactly how the conversation turned to coffins,
02:44 but, well, long story short, I got the bug.
02:48 Looks nice.
02:52 This is my bachelor pad.
02:54 And for the next week, because you're so old, it's your bachelor pad.
02:59 My own pad?
03:02 Oh, I wish my girlfriend was here.
03:07 She really likes to sit up.
03:10 Oh? So you got yourself a girlfriend?
03:13 Yeah, she's on the left.
03:15 Ah, she's a little slip of a thing.
03:18 She's got her period already.
03:20 Ah, give it 50 years, it'll go away.
03:24 Who's the guy?
03:26 That's my best friend Joseph. He won't be 13 for a few months.
03:31 Well, feel free to give your little friend a call. I'll give you some privacy.
03:36 Oh, I almost forgot. Use my cart.
03:47 Count Dracula has thousands of coffins.
03:50 They say he sleeps in a different coffin every night.
03:53 I don't know if it's true, it's just what I heard.
03:56 Sounds true. No, it sounds made up. I don't know.
04:01 Okay, that should do it.
04:04 That is a terrible coffin.
04:09 [door creaks]
04:11 [door slams]
04:14 [door slams]
04:18 [groans]
04:20 [door creaks]
04:22 [music]
04:33 Mr. O'Connor, I'm Bobby Hill. I live next door to you.
04:38 I'm having some people over tomorrow night, eight-ish to whenever.
04:43 What can I bring?
04:44 Your appetite and your wife.
04:47 And some potato salad if she brings her appetite.
04:52 Honey, do you want butter beans or lima beans?
04:55 Are you building a coffin?
04:57 Yep. One for me and one for you.
05:02 [birds chirping]
05:08 Hank, why doesn't the lid on mine close all the way?
05:12 Uh, it does. I mean, it almost closes. I'll make sure it closes come the big day.
05:19 No, Hank, you will build me a new one.
05:22 Because if you try to stick the late Peggy Hill in an inferior casket,
05:26 she will come back to haunt you. I will see to it.
05:30 [static]
05:33 Ooh.
05:35 To Mr. Bobby Hill. Hmm.
05:42 Yes! Today I am a man!
05:46 [music]
05:52 You know, Joseph is also coming home today from summer camp,
05:56 so I thought we'd all go out to dinner.
05:59 I'm meeting the Gribbles over at Rattlesnakes.
06:02 That's nice. Joseph's a good kid.
06:05 I'm planning on taking him under my wing, like Gary did with me.
06:10 [car driving]
06:22 Joseph?
06:24 Hey, Bobby.
06:26 So, did you grow mostly in a few nights, or evenly throughout the summer?
06:31 I... I don't know.
06:33 Hi, I'm Jennifer. How is everyone tonight?
06:36 Jennifer, we're fantastic!
06:39 Can I start you out with something to drink?
06:43 No, I'll take the other menu, like my young friend. Thank you, Jennifer.
06:49 Bobby, order off the kids' menu while you still can. It's cheaper.
06:53 I'll have beer.
06:55 Beer!
06:56 Beer, Jennifer!
06:59 Oh, let me guess. Beer.
07:01 What? Beer?
07:03 So, can you believe it? He must have put six inches on 'em.
07:07 Can you believe it? Hank, can you?
07:10 Uh...
07:11 Peggy, can you believe it?
07:13 Well, I have to, Dale. I see Joseph right here.
07:16 You gotta see it to believe it. Well put.
07:20 I can take your order now.
07:22 Chicken!
07:23 Sir?
07:24 Chicken.
07:25 Okay. Son?
07:27 Oh, uh... the chicken, please.
07:31 Is that the chicken wing-tings, or the choo-choo chicken fingers?
07:36 (sniff)
07:40 (sigh)
07:41 Choo-choo.
07:43 Well, how's my little birthday man? You notice I said "man"?
07:52 You also said "little."
07:54 Bobby, honey, I know you want an adult party, and what you need is a professional disc jockey.
08:01 So, guess where I was from 310 until 5 o'clock today?
08:06 The Learning Annex. DJ Spaz taught me how to really turn it out.
08:11 I learned how to scratch...
08:12 No.
08:13 ...and cut and wipe.
08:16 I was kinda hoping that you and Dad would stay in the garage during the party.
08:21 But I have carried the cake in 12 years in a row.
08:26 Alright.
08:29 It's your father, isn't it? You know, he will be fine if you only want me there, honey.
08:35 Mom!
08:36 Very well. Let's get your first big mistake as a teenager out of the way.
08:40 Hey, Joseph. My mom said I could have a six-foot sub for my party.
08:50 I could use a little help taste-testing.
08:53 I don't have time for this, Bobby. I've got a lot of important stuff to...stow.
08:59 It's my 13th birthday, and if you want me to sneak you into any PG-13 movies,
09:06 you better get on your bike and help me eat subs.
09:10 I said no.
09:12 So then I asked Joseph if he wanted to go riding bikes, and he was all,
09:17 "D'oh, I got some things to do around the house."
09:22 What's with that? He went to kids' camp.
09:25 I'm the one who just spent a week in a retirement community.
09:30 You know, Bobby, there are some days of the month that I don't like to ride a bike either.
09:35 You mean because you got your period?
09:38 I chose not to use that word.
09:40 Why? It's a natural, beautiful thing.
09:44 You don't understand. You're not there yet.
09:47 You better check the map, honey, 'cause I am living in downtown there.
09:53 So, uh, fixing up your bike to sell it?
10:07 I guess you'll be getting a motorcycle or a town car or something.
10:12 Hmm.
10:15 Yeah, well, here's an invitation for my birthday party.
10:19 There's gonna be a lot of stuff you'll like there.
10:22 You know, grown-up stuff, like dancing.
10:26 Dancing? No, I don't think so.
10:36 What is so funny, Mr. 5'10" with your fancy orbit hair?
10:42 I'm guessing.
10:45 Whoa. Joseph, what's going on?
10:50 I can't dance.
10:52 Compared to me, no.
10:54 I've got stretch marks on my shoulders and zits on my back.
10:59 I can't even ride my own bike anymore.
11:03 I've asked a million times a day. My dad asked me, "How's the weather up there?"
11:07 Tell him it's fair to partly stupid.
11:12 Man, you always know just what to say.
11:17 That's why you have a girlfriend.
11:20 Yeah, I do, don't I?
11:22 I want a girl, too. Oh, God, I just can't stop thinking about 'em.
11:28 I've got girls out of my head. I just... just get out!
11:33 Come on, Joseph. I told Charisse you were coming to my party, and she didn't turn me down.
11:39 I bet she grew this summer, too.
11:43 And she's always been really tall.
11:48 I didn't know you sewed, Hank.
11:50 Sewer.
11:52 I am not sewing. I am upholstering, which is one of the five original industrial arts.
11:58 Whatever you say, Aunt Bea.
12:01 Hey, while you're at it, maybe you can quilt one of them coffins for me.
12:05 It's only a matter of time before Joseph's hormonal rage forces him to kill me in my sleep and marry my mother.
12:13 Anyhoo, are you gonna butt and tuck the folds?
12:16 Man, you know, you'd have got a lot of trouble if you didn't waste them damn butt tucking them folds.
12:24 Well, I won't be able to blow out my candles because you just took my breath away.
12:32 Happy birthday, Bobby.
12:36 Have you girls seen the new Joseph?
12:40 Hey, Alexis, how's this?
12:44 [Giggling]
12:47 Oh, Hank, I have carried in Bobby's birthday cake for every one of his birthdays.
12:53 I am the Cal Ripken of birthday cakes.
12:57 Now look at me, banished to the garage while Bobby's party goes on without me or a decent mixtape.
13:04 Hey, let's start a new tradition for Bobby's birthday.
13:07 What do you say you and me just cut loose?
13:12 And I ordered pizza.
13:16 Come on, I want to show you something.
13:22 Feel that.
13:25 It's so plush.
13:27 Well, it better be. It's silk stuffed with Canadian goose down.
13:31 See, I made yours better than mine.
13:33 Mine's just fiber fill left over from when we insulated the attic.
13:46 Oh, Hank, it's like sleeping on a marshmallow.
13:51 [Music]
13:59 Come on, Shane, help me bust a move.
14:03 [Music]
14:13 Ow!
14:16 Sorry, I just, um, sorry.
14:22 What are you staring at, weirdo?
14:26 Um, uh...
14:34 Where are you going? I totally hooked you up with Charisse.
14:39 Why didn't you put the moves on her?
14:41 I don't have any moves, Bobby.
14:44 Okay. I like working with a clean slate.
14:49 Come learn moves from the master.
14:55 As promised, I present to you the VIP sub.
15:04 Hey, your hands are really soft.
15:07 I have a new soap.
15:09 Well, you must be using it on your face, too, because your skin is beautiful.
15:16 What are you talking about? My face is all broken out.
15:21 Hey, did you kiss me today?
15:25 What?
15:26 Enjoy.
15:31 Bobby, Joseph is right here.
15:34 So, maybe you'll learn something.
15:37 Bobby, you did this so Joseph could watch? You're such a creep.
15:41 Oops. Time of the month.
15:45 Hey, don't blame you being a jerk on my... which I'm not about to talk to either of you about,
15:51 and which I'm not even having anyway because of track.
16:00 Joseph likes to watch.
16:05 Use doorbell, you idiot.
16:09 Connie, it's for you.
16:11 If it's Bobby, slam the door in his face.
16:14 I wish it was, so I could, but it's just jolly gribble giant.
16:18 What is it now? Did you come here to watch me do my homework?
16:22 I just wanted to say it was all my fault.
16:24 I mean, Bobby did it to help me because I'm such a...
16:30 Oh, man. I'm not good with girls.
16:35 Girls.
16:36 You can't be any worse than Bobby.
16:38 The way he tried to kiss me in front of... well, you were there.
16:43 Anyways, I'm sorry, so see ya. Bye.
16:46 Ow!
16:47 Oh.
16:48 Idiot!
16:50 No, you're not. I don't think you're an idiot.
17:02 Connie, I rehearsed an apology, but I'm gonna throw it away because nothing says "I'm sorry" like "I'm sorry."
17:12 Connie, I rehearsed an apology, but...
17:15 Oh!
17:20 Oh!
17:28 Oh, Bobby, are you okay?
17:33 Ow!
17:34 Bobby!
17:35 If my hand didn't hurt so much, I'd do it again.
17:39 Oh, what the hell.
17:41 Ow!
17:42 Stop it!
17:44 I'm bleeding.
17:46 Oh, look at you. You grow like a bamboo.
17:49 Hey, what happened to his nose?
17:51 God took care of business. Me and my hammer. Ow!
17:56 Oh, we better get some ice on that before you bleed all over the handloom kilam.
18:02 What were you doing, Connie?
18:05 I don't know. It just...
18:08 I think you better calm down.
18:11 How can I calm down? You were kissing Joseph. You are not allowed to kiss Joseph.
18:19 I can kiss whoever I want, Bobby.
18:22 Oh, so I guess you're dating Joseph now. Is that it?
18:26 Well, maybe I wanted to kiss a guy with a mustache, and maybe I didn't want to wait for you.
18:32 What? I made you! You were just a dumb A student until I hit the scene.
18:39 Why would you... I just don't...
18:42 That does it! I am breaking up with you.
18:46 Oh, that's right. You blew it!
18:58 Jerk.
19:00 Oh, that little hillbilly packed quite a wallop.
19:05 You want some naproxen?
19:08 No, I'm okay.
19:10 How did tall, dark, and handsome get butt-kicked by short, fat, and redneck?
19:15 Joseph!
19:29 What's going on?
19:31 Oh, you're so cute. I'm gonna get a big kick out of this.
19:35 Joseph! How could you?
19:39 Sorry, I just... I thought you liked me.
19:44 Oh, yeah. You're rocking my world.
19:56 What the...
19:59 Something at the party must have upset Joseph.
20:09 Oh, you know, it's an awkward age. What with acne and whatnot.
20:15 You think I should get out of my coffin and see what's going on?
20:18 Over my dead body?
20:21 I'm sure they're fine. Pass the chips.
20:28 Hey, Joseph! How's the weather up there?
20:33 That's it!
20:38 Ugh!
20:40 What are you doing here?
21:05 I came to apologize and make out with tongues.
21:08 I don't know where your tongue's been.
21:11 Oh, wait. Yes, I do.
21:13 I didn't mean to kiss Joseph. It was just that...
21:17 He was so sad and tall.
21:20 And you're so loose. And cheap.
21:24 Oh, Connie, wait!
21:31 (Connie whimpers)
21:33 (Joseph screams)
21:35 Where are you going?
21:37 I'm going as far as...
21:39 an eighth of a tank of gas will get me.
21:43 Take me with you.
21:45 What are you doing with my woman?
21:51 I am not your property.
21:53 Leave us alone.
21:55 (Joseph grunts)
21:57 I said I was sorry, so let's do tongues now.
22:04 You're going to French?
22:06 No way!
22:07 You said...
22:08 I did not!
22:10 (Joseph screams)
22:12 (Joseph sighs)
22:14 Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no.
22:33 My bugabago!
22:38 What evil hath been wrought to befall this upon me?
22:43 Who did this?
22:47 I don't know, Dale.
22:48 Was it...
22:50 you?
22:52 (Joseph groans)
22:56 Let me... I want to...
22:58 Calm down, Dale.
23:00 Maybe one of these kids saw something.
23:03 Bobby, did you see who did this?
23:06 Uh...
23:08 It was probably teenagers.
23:14 Yup, teenagers.
23:18 Teenagers.
23:19 Damn teenagers!
23:22 I guess you're off the hook,
23:31 but don't leave town.
23:34 (music fades)
23:36 Who wants birthday cake?
23:43 Yes! Yes!
23:45 Thirteen for thirteen!
23:47 Uh-huh!
23:48 In your face, boy-y!
23:50 Uh-huh!
23:51 Hey, Bobby, it's your birthday.
23:53 (sniffing)
23:55 That's right, I served you cake.
23:57 Uh-huh! I'm Peggy.
23:58 Pull your leggy.
23:59 Uh, Bobby, let's go!
24:01 Say what?
24:02 That's right!
24:03 I'm all that!
24:04 I'm Peggy!
24:05 Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, okay, okay.
24:08 (music fades)
24:10 (theme music plays)
24:21 (theme music plays)
24:24 (theme music plays)