Catégorie
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:09 (upbeat music)
00:14 (upbeat music)
00:18 (bell ringing)
00:22 (upbeat music)
00:31 (upbeat music)
00:33 - Come on, lady bird, fetch!
00:38 That's right, you can get it.
00:42 Come on, girl.
00:45 (grunting)
00:50 Huh, fine, it can stay there for all I care.
00:54 Get it, come on!
00:59 (sighing) Get him the ball already.
01:01 Here you go, boy.
01:11 Take it easy on lady bird, Bobby.
01:13 She's 91 years old in dog years.
01:16 Each time she fetches,
01:17 it's like seven fetches for you or me.
01:20 - Well, tell lady bird I'm done playing
01:23 'cause she only listens to you.
01:25 (grunting)
01:28 - Atta girl.
01:29 (upbeat music)
01:32 - Hold on, little fella.
01:39 This happened to me once.
01:41 You hungry?
01:45 Well, let's see what Santa's got in his goodie bag.
01:50 (chirping)
01:53 What a crime.
01:54 If you are not a hungry man, Luan,
01:57 you shouldn't be taking on the hungry man dinner.
02:00 (upbeat music)
02:07 - Uh-uh, Bobby, at the table.
02:10 I am tired of finding crumbs in the bathtub.
02:13 - Is it me or are they making these things bigger?
02:26 (chirping)
02:28 You don't want that.
02:30 Tonight's garbage is...
02:33 (chirping)
02:34 I brought you something special.
02:35 You know, the black around your eyes looks just like a mask.
02:41 I'm gonna call you Masky.
02:45 No, wait, wait, wait.
02:47 I can beat that.
02:49 Bandit.
02:49 Mind if I join you?
02:53 (upbeat music)
02:56 And how about a marshmallow chaser?
03:01 - Fish.
03:10 Snakes.
03:12 Yep, a dog's the only animal that makes sense.
03:17 And I suppose a cat might work.
03:20 If you're a little girl or an old lady,
03:23 you know, who's sick.
03:24 (upbeat music)
03:33 (dog barks)
03:38 (chirping)
03:44 - Can I buy this, Dad?
03:46 - Bobby, this is a pet store, not a toy store.
03:49 You know how much they mark that junk up.
03:53 Excuse me, how much is it to get your dog's picture
03:56 put on this mug?
03:58 - So we're eating dinner and Lady Bird starts to beg.
04:03 That says it all right there.
04:07 Mrs. Gribble said it wasn't gonna rain.
04:11 Accu-weather my foot.
04:13 Here, I'm gonna leave this open
04:17 and you can use the street light as a nightlight.
04:21 (upbeat music)
04:23 - Huh?
04:26 (dog barks)
04:30 You're gonna wish you messed up somebody else's garage,
04:34 you furry bastard.
04:36 Bastard!
04:48 I'm gonna take out the garbage.
04:51 - Now, Bobby, there is a raccoon out there
04:53 and it almost literally attacked your father.
04:57 - Raccoon?
04:58 - Don't worry, I'm gonna get rid of it.
05:00 - Bandit was just hungry, Dad.
05:02 - Bandit?
05:03 Bobby, you name a pet, you name a guitar,
05:06 you do not name a filthy animal
05:08 and you do not feed it our garbage.
05:11 No wonder it was rooting around in the garage.
05:14 It was looking for more of your handouts.
05:16 - It's not a handout when you feed Lady Bird, is it?
05:19 - Lady Bird is a member of this family.
05:22 You've seen our Christmas cards.
05:24 - Yeah, I've also seen her drink out of the toilet,
05:26 wipe herself on the carpet, sniff another dog.
05:29 - Enough.
05:30 Bandit is a wild, disease-ridden animal
05:33 that will bite your face.
05:35 Now, does that sound like something Lady Bird would do?
05:38 - Lady Bird doesn't do anything anymore.
05:41 She's too old.
05:41 - Bobby, Lady Bird is in the room.
05:45 - The whole garage looked like one of those horror movies.
05:49 You know, tools all over the place.
05:52 - Yep, sounds like a raccoon
05:55 or a possum imitating the behavior of a raccoon
05:58 or a squirrel.
06:01 What I'm getting at is I'll handle it.
06:04 - No thanks, Dale.
06:05 I've already taken care of it.
06:07 I put out a spring-loaded live trap this morning.
06:10 - Ha, a trap?
06:12 The only one that's going to get trapped is you, Hank.
06:15 Trapped into thinking a trap actually works.
06:19 - Who wants to--
06:20 (Hank screams)
06:22 (Hank screams)
06:25 - Get out of here, you furry bastard.
06:31 - My card.
06:36 No worries, Hank.
06:40 I've played out this scenario a thousand times in my mind.
06:44 Most of them, I have won.
06:47 Now, are you gonna need the raccoon's pelt intact for a hat?
06:56 - I thought you were gonna trap Bandit
06:58 and free him in the woods.
07:00 Why is everything you're wearing so sharp?
07:05 You're not gonna hurt my raccoon, are you?
07:07 - That's entirely up to him, Bobby.
07:10 Hank, once I crawl in there,
07:16 I want you to quickly cover the hole with the screen.
07:19 That's the only way in and the only way out for the raccoon.
07:24 Do not remove the screen.
07:27 No matter how much I plead or beg you,
07:30 do not remove the screen.
07:34 (swooshing)
07:36 (thudding)
07:38 (squeaking)
07:42 Hank, open the screen for God's sakes, Hank, I'm begging you.
07:47 Open the screen.
07:50 (Hank screams)
07:52 - That's it, I'm taking off the screen.
07:55 - You promised there you wouldn't.
07:56 (Hank screams)
07:59 - That's enough.
08:00 (Hank cries)
08:03 (Hank groans)
08:06 - Get off her, Hank, Hank, Hank.
08:12 Lady Bird.
08:15 - Bandit, come back.
08:17 - Oh my God, Lady Bird's hurt.
08:20 Someone call 911.
08:23 - I give you one little thing to do and you screw it up.
08:31 (dramatic music)
08:33 - I can't find Lady Bird anywhere.
08:38 - Dad.
08:39 - Any luck, son?
08:41 - I looked all over the neighborhood.
08:43 No sign of Bandit, not even a dropping.
08:47 - What, you've been looking for that dang raccoon?
08:51 It would have attacked me if it weren't for Lady Bird.
08:54 And now my dog's out there, possibly hurt,
08:56 exposed to the elements.
08:58 And even if she does find something to eat,
09:00 who's gonna mix in an egg?
09:01 - I'll find Lady Bird.
09:03 Lucky for you, I'm not only an exterminator,
09:07 I'm also a bounty hunter.
09:10 My other card.
09:12 Tell me I sent ya, you'll get 10% off.
09:15 (dog whines)
09:16 - That picture was taken at her birthday party last month.
09:19 Sorry I don't have a more recent photo.
09:22 - Mr. Hill, I don't wanna get your hopes up.
09:23 The odds of finding a dog that has run away are not--
09:26 - Lady Bird did not run away.
09:28 She got in a fight with a raccoon and took off after it.
09:32 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, raccoon?
09:34 - Hank, let me take over.
09:36 As one animal control professional to another,
09:40 it was what appeared to be a raccoon.
09:43 But I only saw it briefly and it was dark,
09:47 so I don't know.
09:48 - Well, it's too bad you didn't catch it.
09:50 'Cause without being able to autopsy the raccoon,
09:53 we have no way of knowing if it gave your dog rabies.
09:55 - Rabies?
09:57 - Now, as I said, I am an animal control professional.
10:01 Explain to Hank how you get rabies.
10:05 - Raccoon bites in the most common way.
10:08 - Mm-hmm.
10:09 - Followed by rat bites.
10:10 - Mm-hmm.
10:11 - And then raccoon scratches.
10:11 - What?
10:12 Oh, raccoon scratches moved up to third.
10:16 Good for them.
10:19 (sighs)
10:25 What does it say?
10:27 - Well, the earliest symptoms of clinical rabies
10:29 in humans are chills.
10:31 (groans)
10:32 - I'm cold, Nancy.
10:34 So cold.
10:35 - You're in your underwear, Shug.
10:37 - Read on.
10:39 - Some sufferers may have a sore throat.
10:41 (sighs)
10:43 - My throat's on fire.
10:44 - Diarrhea.
10:45 - Go on.
10:48 - They may also feel anxious or fearful of things
10:50 with no clear reason.
10:51 - Ah!
10:53 Nancy, I think I have rabies.
10:56 - Dale, you're gonna be fine.
10:58 All we have to do is get you to a doctor
11:00 so they can give you a shot.
11:02 Oh, sorry, seven shots.
11:04 - Let's say I don't get the shots.
11:08 Is it possible to live a normal life infected with rabies?
11:12 - No.
11:19 - And please make sure Lady Bird is safe and without rabies.
11:25 - And if rabies is part of your divine plan,
11:28 then please change your plan
11:30 and send us back Lady Bird rabies-free.
11:33 - And Bandit too, amen.
11:34 - No, sir, Bandit is not in this prayer.
11:37 It's Bandit's fault we're in this mess,
11:40 or your fault for feeding him.
11:42 I'll let you decide, Lord.
11:44 - Now, Hank, I know Lady Bird is just fine.
11:47 She saved your life.
11:48 I'm sure she can save her own.
11:50 - Well, I hope you're right,
11:52 but if she's out there suffering with rabies,
11:54 I'll have to shoot her,
11:56 and with my aim, I'll probably have to shoot her twice.
11:59 Oh, God.
12:01 - Okay, Lady Bird, good, rabies, bad.
12:03 I just wanna find Bandit.
12:05 - We all wanna find Bandit, Bobby.
12:08 It's the only way they can figure out
12:10 if Lady Bird's got rabies.
12:11 - How do they do that?
12:13 - Well, they take off its head.
12:16 (knocking)
12:22 - I don't want to abuse the privilege,
12:24 but I need you to get Dale out of the basement again.
12:28 - All right, everybody ready?
12:31 And go.
12:31 - Dale, honey?
12:36 Pizza's here.
12:38 - Mmm, pizza.
12:39 (screaming)
12:43 No, Nancy!
12:45 Look, Nancy, they're taking--
12:47 (screaming)
12:48 No!
12:49 (screaming)
12:50 - All right, Dale, we can do this
12:51 the easy way or we can do it the hard way.
12:55 - Do it the hard way.
12:59 (screaming)
13:01 - I'm worried about Bandit.
13:11 - I'm worried about my dad.
13:13 And Bandit.
13:18 - See, I settled down.
13:19 Now give me back my hat.
13:21 Oh yeah, it's easy for you to sit there
13:25 with a head full of thick, gorgeous hair,
13:28 laughing at me.
13:29 Please?
13:32 - I told you, Dale, I'll give you the hat back
13:34 after you get the shots.
13:36 - Hey, Dale, where are you?
13:42 - Hey!
13:43 - Dale, get back here!
13:45 Dale!
13:47 (screaming)
13:49 - Okay, Raccoon, Ladybird, and Dale are on the loose
13:55 and they all might be rabid.
13:57 Peggy, you should stay here in case Ladybird comes home.
14:00 - Not if, Hank, whether or not.
14:03 - The rest of us are gonna cover every inch of Arlen
14:06 and I'm gonna need somebody to help Nancy
14:08 in case Dale comes home.
14:10 Okay, any volunteers?
14:14 - I had my hand up first.
14:16 (gentle music)
14:21 (grunting)
14:43 - Survival diary update.
14:46 I have been drinking dew drops found on the forest leaves
14:49 and I have been eating mushrooms and moths,
14:53 mostly mushrooms.
14:55 My rabies has taken a turn for the worse.
14:59 I am starting to hallucinate.
15:01 When I close my eyes, I can see strange characters
15:05 running around chasing colorful geometric shapes
15:08 in a dark and infinite limbo.
15:11 I have stopped closing my eyes.
15:15 I fear I am going mad.
15:17 Survival reminder, need hammer and nails.
15:26 And batteries for tape recorder.
15:32 Also need new tape recorder.
15:39 (gentle music)
15:41 (crying)
15:58 (dramatic music)
16:04 (grunting)
16:06 (gasping)
16:16 - Dale?
16:20 (sizzling)
16:22 (screaming)
16:26 (sizzling)
16:30 - You need a shot, Shug.
16:32 (screaming)
16:35 (phone ringing)
16:44 - Hello?
16:46 - Mr. Hill, this is Big Terry from animal control.
16:49 We've had reports of a bloodhound
16:50 walking kinda funny out by the campgrounds
16:52 at the Mariella Sherry Shiver State Park.
16:55 We're heading there now.
16:56 - Okay, I'm on my way.
16:58 Just in case you find her first,
17:00 when you call her name,
17:01 say the first half longer than the second.
17:04 Lady Bird, you got that?
17:06 - Uh, Mr. Hill, if we get there
17:08 and the dog is acting strange,
17:10 we'll have to put Lady Bird down.
17:11 - Oh no.
17:12 - Mr. Hill, are you there?
17:15 Oh, I'm sorry.
17:17 I meant, we'll have to put Lady Bird down.
17:21 Mr. Hill?
17:22 - Now Bill, if you see Lady Bird first,
17:25 fire this flare straight up in the air, not at her.
17:29 - All right, Bobby.
17:30 (explosion)
17:31 (Bill groans)
17:33 - False alarm!
17:34 (gentle music)
17:38 - What are you doing, Bobby?
17:44 If you're looking for that raccoon,
17:46 you're wasting your time.
17:47 It's probably two towns over by now
17:50 eating some other kid's garbage.
17:52 - At least Bandit never ate my lunch
17:54 until after I'd thrown it out.
17:56 That's what I'd call common courtesy.
17:59 - Yeah.
18:00 I remember the time Lady Bird jumped up
18:03 and ate your peanut butter sandwich right off your plate.
18:07 I thought she'd never stop licking the roof of her mouth.
18:10 I tell you what.
18:11 I never laughed that hard ever again.
18:16 Lady Bird, come here, girl.
18:24 Come to Daddy.
18:27 So he can send you to doggy heaven.
18:30 (birds chirping)
18:38 What the heck?
18:49 (Bill screams)
18:57 (Bill laughs)
19:00 (gentle music)
19:08 - Dad, you're okay.
19:14 Don't look him in the eye.
19:16 It makes him start howling.
19:18 (Bill shouts)
19:21 - Thought you could just waltz in here and kill me, did ya?
19:25 Well, so did he.
19:27 - Damn it, Dale.
19:28 You stupid--
19:30 - You will speak only when I say you can speak.
19:34 - Remove the tape, Dale.
19:36 - Okay, you can speak.
19:38 - Let us go now, and I promise I won't kick your ass later.
19:43 - I'm sorry, but I can't do that, Hank.
19:46 I've got plans for you.
19:48 - Oh, yeah.
19:49 - I'm going to drain all the blood out of your body.
19:56 Then I'm going to replace my blood
19:58 with your non-rabid blood, which will both cure me
20:02 and give me all your knowledge
20:04 of propane and propane accessories.
20:07 - I think you might be eating
20:10 the wrong kind of mushrooms, Dale.
20:12 - I know what I'm doing.
20:14 These mushrooms have been keeping me alive.
20:17 But what I don't know, Hank, is how you can still talk
20:21 when there's a million bugs squiggling
20:23 in and out of your mouth.
20:25 - Oh, yeah, I can talk.
20:27 And you just wait until Bill and Boom Hauer find us.
20:31 (Bill squealing)
20:36 - Let's see you try and sell your way out of this one,
20:45 propane salesman.
20:46 Where's your precious propane now?
20:50 (laughing)
20:52 (coughing)
20:55 - Yeah, you got me, Dale.
20:58 There is no way out of this.
21:00 So if I understand your plan,
21:03 it is to replace your rabies blood with my clean blood.
21:07 Is that right?
21:08 - Who gave you a copy of my plan?
21:11 - You told me.
21:12 So step one, drain my blood.
21:14 And since you can't stand the sight of blood,
21:19 I guess you'll have to hand me my pocket knife.
21:22 - Oh, I'll do more than hand it to ya.
21:25 I'll open it for ya.
21:27 - Uh, you might wanna step back, Dale.
21:33 There is going to be a lot of blood.
21:36 A lot.
21:37 - Nah.
21:37 - Okay, there, that's the vein.
21:41 Ow, boy, that smarts.
21:44 - Wait a minute.
21:46 You've never cried out in pain in your life.
21:51 That's what I get for trusting you to drain your own blood.
21:55 Yeah!
21:56 - Okay, Dale, take it easy.
21:58 I'm sorry, I made a mistake.
22:00 I shouldn't have done that.
22:02 I should have cut my veins.
22:04 - Shut up!
22:05 I'm tired of your face.
22:07 - Lady Bird.
22:12 - All right, dog.
22:18 You want a tango?
22:20 (growling)
22:23 (screaming)
22:25 - Bobby, the knife!
22:31 (screaming)
22:34 - Get your dog away from me.
22:38 He's got the rabies.
22:40 - Lady Bird, down, girl.
22:42 - Dad, watch out.
22:45 - That's it, that's it, come here.
22:47 - She's got rabies, she'll bite you.
22:50 - No, she's just wounded and scared.
22:52 I'm her master, she'd never bite me.
22:54 - Dad, look out.
22:55 - Bobby, don't.
22:56 - Shoot her, shoot her with the gun.
22:59 - Bobby, no!
23:00 - Yes, Bobby.
23:01 You missed her.
23:06 - Oh, Lady Bird.
23:08 You see, I was right.
23:11 It's a good thing you missed, Bobby.
23:13 - I didn't miss, Dad.
23:16 (dramatic music)
23:19 - Bandit?
23:20 - I saw him coming.
23:22 I think he was gonna bite you.
23:24 - This isn't over.
23:28 So long, suckers.
23:32 (screaming)
23:36 Hank, I can see your house from up here.
23:45 (thudding)
23:47 - I guess I'm glad Bandit didn't have rabies.
23:50 So at least we know Lady Bird and Mr. Gribble will be okay.
23:55 - That's right, son.
23:57 - Thanks for building the cross.
23:59 - No problem, Bobby.
24:01 - I'm gonna say a few words now, Dad.
24:04 - I understand.
24:05 (chirping)
24:09 (chirping)
24:11 - Ah, amen.
24:16 (gentle music)
24:23 Say, Bobby, I know this won't be for a while,
24:27 but when Lady Bird dies,
24:29 how about if I let you pick our next pet?
24:31 - Really?
24:33 Okay, I'm gonna get a possum.
24:36 - No, no possums.
24:38 - An ostrich, then.
24:40 - Well, I was thinking more of a traditional pet, Bobby.
24:44 Like another dog.
24:45 - Okay.
24:46 Can I get a poodle?
24:49 - No.
24:50 - So long, suckers.