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00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [MUSIC]
00:35 Fork and the spoon jumped over the moon.
00:39 Moe.
00:41 You got a letter.
00:44 It smells like the letters Lou Anne used to get from her mom in prison.
00:50 Only prisoner.
00:53 Hmm. Archer.
00:55 I don't know anyone named Archer.
00:58 Hey, I've been pre-approved for a gold card.
01:02 Who wants ice cream?
01:08 Listen to this.
01:10 It's from an old student of mine.
01:12 He's on death row.
01:15 And as I raise my hand for possibly my final question,
01:19 I hope that Miss Peggy Hill will call on me one more time,
01:23 because she is the person who has had the most positive impact on my life.
01:29 Sincerely, Wesley Martin Archer.
01:32 That's a good name for a killer.
01:35 What was he like, Mom?
01:36 Did he speak real proper English like an evil genius?
01:41 I think maybe he had wavy brown hair.
01:44 Or was he that albino boy?
01:47 Well, it'll all come back to me when I see him.
01:50 Oh, wait a second here.
01:51 You're not thinking of going into a prison, are you?
01:54 Hank, I am a substitute teacher.
01:57 I flit in and out of people's lives, and I never know if I've made a difference.
02:01 With this boy, I did make an impact.
02:04 Uh, he's in prison, Peggy.
02:09 Peggy, some of these guys haven't seen a woman since they killed their wives.
02:13 If you're going to insist on going, do you have to be all decked out like some disco dancer?
02:19 Hank, please. Death row is perfectly safe.
02:22 There's a code of conduct that all prisoners are obligated to obey.
02:32 Tell you what, Hank, man, she's just like a medango suit and saran in that movie when it was Bacoli, man.
02:36 Talking about taste of blaze, cool buzz, you know?
02:40 Are you just going to joke your way through your entire life, Boomhauer?
02:45 Don't snap it, Boomhauer, just because you're losing control of your woman.
02:49 Believe me, Hank, if you don't stop it here, the next step will be cutting your allowance.
02:54 Oh, you can't reign Peggy in, Dale.
02:57 Peggy's like a wild mare.
02:59 She needs to run free, her chestnut mane blowing in the wind.
03:04 Flanks glistening with sweat.
03:07 I'll stop now.
03:09 Hey, Death Row, do you think Peggy's going to meet the executioner?
03:13 Well, she only mentioned the murderer.
03:16 Executioning.
03:18 For us exterminators, that's the major league, the show.
03:28 Ow!
03:47 Empty your bag on that table.
03:50 We'll hold on to this.
03:52 A con could use a mascara applicator to scoop a man's eye right out of his head.
04:12 Hola, senora Hill.
04:15 You don't remember me.
04:17 That's okay.
04:18 Someone like you touches so many lives.
04:21 Well, yes, I guess I do.
04:23 Who'd you kill?
04:25 I killed myself.
04:27 At least I might as well have, as bad as I feel about it.
04:30 One night I went with my buddy Ray over to his friend's house, only he wasn't home.
04:35 So I gave Ray a boost up to the window.
04:38 He couldn't climb up and hold his gun at the same time.
04:42 Well, that's why we were there, to return his friend's gun.
04:45 Mm-hmm. I can see where this is going.
04:47 Go on.
04:48 So we get inside, and it turns out the guy was home.
04:52 He was screaming, alarms were ringing, and when a guy yells, "Don't shoot," believe me, it has the opposite effect.
05:01 I just panicked, and next thing I know, his head was blown off.
05:06 It would be a comedy of errors if it wasn't so tragic.
05:09 You don't miss a thing, do you?
05:12 How do you say, "Peggy Hill is the smartest, most talented woman on Earth," in Spanish?
05:20 Well, hmm, that would be, "Peggy Hill es bueno."
05:29 The prison may think ten back issues of Us Magazine and a Bible make a library, but I do not.
05:36 Wesley needs more than that to expand his mind.
05:38 Why bother helping him at all? He's just going to be executed.
05:42 Very nice, Hank. You know, Wes had only the best things to say about you.
05:46 He was very supportive about your problems with your father.
05:49 You gave a convict personal information about-- how could you be that naive?
05:56 Naive? Do you know what a prisoner could do with this? I do.
06:00 He could jab it into your windpipe, and you would be dead in two minutes.
06:05 Glasses are not a weapon. Guns are a weapon. You used to know that.
06:11 What Color is Your Parachute? is a wonderful book about finding your inner self.
06:17 This is so great. Mrs. Hill, have you ever played What If?
06:23 What If? Is that the one where you guys see how quickly you can stab a knife around your fingers?
06:29 Well, that game's fun, but I don't think it has a name.
06:33 How about Stab Scotch?
06:36 Stab Scotch. That's real good, Mrs. Hill, but back to What If?
06:42 I can't help thinking, what if Mrs. Hill had been my full-time teacher?
06:47 Maybe I'd be able to read these books.
06:50 You can't read? Now that is a crime.
06:53 Look, I know it would be unfair to ask, but if you would come in and tutor me, well...
07:00 What's the happiest color on Earth?
07:02 Yellow.
07:03 Well, then my parachute would be yellow.
07:07 You gave that bastard our travel version of the Guinness Book of World Records, and now you're going to teach him to read it?
07:14 Hank, I'm a teacher. I sell knowledge. And it doesn't matter to who. Whom?
07:20 Even murderers?
07:22 You work with propane. That kills people.
07:25 Only when used by people that don't know how to handle it. And I know how to handle it.
07:31 And I know how to handle myself.
07:34 I am not some corset-wearing lady who passes out with the vapors at the drop of a hat or a sudden garotting.
07:41 Dang it, Peggy, I... You can't just...
07:45 Okay, that's it. You leave me no choice.
07:48 For your own good, I am forbidding you to go back there.
07:52 You forbid me?
07:55 Unless you decide on your own not to go, 'cause I'll still support that.
08:00 Nobody forbids Peggy Hill.
08:03 Well, obviously, since there's only one of you, I cannot grade on a curve.
08:17 But every day an assignment is late is one grade off and a day in the hole.
08:22 Oh, Peggy.
08:27 Oh, that's beautiful. Is that me?
08:31 It's an apple.
08:33 So, you're telling me you'll spray the entire prison for just one dollar a month?
08:40 That word is my bond, sir, due to the fact the state wouldn't bond me or insure me.
08:47 Mm-hmm.
08:49 Of course, the invoice will say two grand, but that's just procedure.
08:53 I think we've got ourselves a deal.
08:56 Ha ha ha! I read your manual.
08:59 And as an official employee of the prison system, I now qualify to be the executioner.
09:04 Where's old Sparky?
09:06 Old Sparky's been put out to pasture.
09:09 I choose lethal injection.
09:11 Okay, then where's old Squirty?
09:13 Dead is dead. I don't care how we get there.
09:16 Mr. Gribble, generally we choose one of the guards to be the executioner,
09:20 and there's a rather long list of volunteers already.
09:23 Put me on it! Please, please, please!
09:27 No. All right. You'll be number 129.
09:32 Wingo!
09:34 I'm gonna kill a killer. I'm gonna kill a killer.
09:39 Mom, you're covering up my essay on why pollution is bad.
09:54 You've got to show us improvement.
09:56 Sorry, Bobby, but I guess we're just gonna have to murder somebody if we want your mom's attention.
10:03 Okay.
10:05 Hi, Sam.
10:10 Hold it.
10:14 Oh, yeah!
10:16 Where's you're supposed to start finding words?
10:25 Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill. I'm just not used to such creative teaching.
10:32 [Scratching]
10:35 Don't you dare touch her! You leave Mrs. Hill alone!
10:40 [Grunting]
10:44 No! Stop it!
10:46 She's too good for you! She's teaching me to read!
10:51 Oh, good God.
10:57 [Humming]
11:02 Excuse me. Do you know if these gloves are good for killing a man?
11:06 [Grunting]
11:14 It was only three days in the pit. I thought the guard was gonna touch your... bottom.
11:23 Oh, I tried to tell them that you meant no harm, but they would not listen.
11:27 Heck, they're all as dumb as a bucket of dirt.
11:31 Anyway, that's why they hate Boggle.
11:33 They hate Boggle?
11:35 Only because we love Boggle.
11:38 When I was little, my Meemaw played on her Boggle set all the time.
11:43 I just watched, being illiterate and all, but I dreamed of someday playing on that set.
11:51 Peggy, if you get me my Boggle set, you could make that dream come true.
11:57 I am a dream weaver.
12:00 [Barking]
12:03 So, Jeanette, I did not realize they allowed Wesley conjugal visits.
12:09 Wes better get the whole set.
12:12 Oh, rock me, Amadeus!
12:19 Now, Wes, you shake the letters, not the timer.
12:23 [Chuckling]
12:25 All right.
12:27 All right. Who covered Wes's drawing with this crap?
12:34 Uh, Peggy, I just thought that maybe if you saw some happy pictures,
12:39 you might do happy things, like not visiting Death Row.
12:43 Let me paint you a happy picture, Hank.
12:46 A broken-down, illiterate man with nothing but death staring him in the face
12:51 spells out the word "party" with his family Boggle set.
12:55 And then he croons "White Christmas" to me as I leave his cell for the day.
12:59 Now that is a happy picture, Hank.
13:02 And then everybody started fighting and the guards were in there just swinging their clubs,
13:12 and I couldn't get to the Boggle set in time.
13:15 It was ruined.
13:16 Oh, just the timer. Jeanette will give you a new one.
13:19 Wes is a little slow. He needs more time.
13:28 Well, you realize that this is not a regulation timer.
13:32 This will make tournament play impossible for Wes.
13:36 Uh, okay.
13:40 [door slams]
13:41 I know it was stupid, but we were playing out in the yard and the top fell off.
13:51 Jeanette will give you some more timer sand.
13:54 What about using a watch?
13:56 Peggy, that's not real Boggle.
13:59 Well, this should certainly last him a while.
14:06 [humming]
14:10 You're not writing, Wes.
14:12 All right, I'm going to give you one tiny hint.
14:15 Oh, rats, there's tar on my star art.
14:20 Wes, what is it?
14:23 I can't let the guards see me cry. If they sense some weakness--
14:28 Guard, could you please give us some space? You are inhibiting his wordplay.
14:34 I have something to tell you. Can you hear me?
14:38 I can hear you.
14:39 Good. Peggy, all this timer sand you've been bringing me?
14:42 Oh, don't mention that.
14:44 This is coke, Peggy. You've been smuggling me cocaine. That's a federal offense.
14:48 And you know what? You're going to bring me more of it.
14:51 Is this some kind of a--
14:53 How stupid can you be? I never had you as a teacher.
14:57 I grew up in Arkansas. I'm almost 40, for cryp's sakes.
15:01 I wrote every teacher in the Arlen yearbook, and you were the only sap dumb enough to answer.
15:06 So, all that about being the only positive influence on you--
15:11 Here's what you're going to do.
15:13 You're going to bring me a brick of cocaine every week.
15:16 And that's not all. You know what else I want, Peggy Hill?
15:20 Two tears in my brain.
15:23 [music]
15:26 My sloppy joe is all sloppy and no joke.
15:39 I forgot to add the meat.
15:42 How could I be so freaking stupid?
15:46 Luann, Bobby, why don't you go get some money from my purse and go out for pizza?
15:51 [sighs]
15:54 [laughs]
15:59 It's so awful.
16:02 I've been smuggling cocaine into Wes.
16:06 Smuggling cocaine? That's got to be illegal.
16:10 Well, I thought it was boggle sand. And now he's making all kinds of demands.
16:16 One box of pornography, a jug of corn liquor, a Farrah Fawcett poster,
16:22 a Milwaukee sawzall, and a brick of cocaine on every Tuesday.
16:28 Well, he certainly revealed his true colors.
16:32 I don't think you'll be going to the movies.
16:35 Oh, well, he certainly revealed his true colors. I don't think you'll be going back to see him again.
16:41 Hank, I have to, or he will turn me in.
16:45 They will send me to jail.
16:48 I guess you're happy now. You get to say, "I told you so."
16:54 Jerk.
16:56 Look, don't panic. He's not going to turn you in. He's just bluffing. He has nothing to gain.
17:01 Well, he has nothing to lose either. Hank, there's no row after death row.
17:06 [phone rings]
17:08 It's Wes. Don't answer it.
17:10 I'll handle this. Murderers are just bullies.
17:14 If you stand up to them, they always crumble.
17:18 [phone rings]
17:20 This is Hank Hill. You, huh?
17:24 Well, you're not getting any more of your funny-timer sand, and you're going to leave my wife alone.
17:30 Uh-huh. No, your ass is mine, because we've got a plan.
17:36 Sure we do. It's a terrific plan.
17:39 We discarded two perfectly good plans when we came up with this great one.
17:45 Why didn't you tell me about our terrific plan?
17:49 Peggy, I made that up.
17:51 And the other two plans?
17:54 Uh, he says if he doesn't get his coke by noon Tuesday, he's going to turn you in just for fun.
18:02 [music]
18:06 Look, just go to the warden and tell him you were naive and that Wes tricked you.
18:11 I can't. They made me watch a short film about the danger of smuggling things into the prisoners.
18:18 It was called "Don't Be a Mule."
18:22 I even got 100% on the test they gave me afterwards.
18:26 Well, you can't smuggle any more drugs in, that's for sure.
18:30 Hey, what would happen if we just gave Wes a brick of regular timer sand?
18:35 Well, we can't do that. He is going to deal this batch to the Aryan Brotherhood if they think he tried to pull a fast one.
18:42 They would make a pincushion out of him.
18:45 Unless he tastes it.
18:49 He always tasted the timer sand when I brought it in.
18:53 I didn't think anything of it at the time.
18:56 He always said it was very good timer sand.
19:02 Primo!
19:04 [music]
19:10 Well, it's 40 minutes past noon. I think you're in the clear.
19:14 Well, maybe the phone isn't working.
19:18 Hank, there's no dial tone.
19:21 Oh, hello.
19:23 Well, this is the freakiest thing. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I was just...
19:27 Yes, Warden. I understand. I will be there.
19:34 Okay, he wants me to come in and explain myself tomorrow.
19:39 Well, I guess I'd better make Bobby's lunch.
19:42 For the next two to five years.
19:45 What's going on?
19:48 Nothing. Hey, who's in the mood for some fun?
20:01 Look, Mom. Gilda's trapped in a fortress, but I'm gonna break her free.
20:15 Oh, my sweet, sweet little boy.
20:19 Uh, Peggy, I, uh...
20:23 How are you set for quarters?
20:26 No, that's... that's not what I meant to say.
20:29 Look, you said the other day you've never had a positive impact on anybody's life.
20:35 Well, I want you to know that you have.
20:38 I'd hate to think where Bobby, Luanne, and I would be without you.
20:49 Come on, those moles aren't gonna whack themselves.
20:56 Go!
21:07 It is my destiny to be the nameless, faceless executioner.
21:13 But do not fear me, for I am just part of the circle of life.
21:18 The last part made you flinch.
21:23 Flinch!
21:26 (screams)
21:44 Mrs. Hill, did you smuggle cocaine into my prison?
21:50 I came to this prison to make an impact, to help.
21:55 Help how? By getting me hooked?
21:58 Do you give all your students drugs? That's not the right way to motivate us.
22:03 I never meant to...
22:04 Tell him, Peggy. Tell him about the Boggletimer.
22:07 Stop rushing me.
22:09 Come clean. Tell him the truth.
22:11 I came here to tell the truth. I would never dream of telling anything else.
22:30 I never saw this man before in my life.
22:33 And what I mean by that is, I did not bring him cocaine.
22:38 I would like to please see the evidence against me.
22:48 But there's no cocaine in there.
22:51 In fact, it looks like it's been licked clean.
22:54 Well, I had a little bit left this morning, but this was an important meeting. I wanted to be up for it.
23:01 So, this is the only evidence against me?
23:07 That should be enough.
23:10 I didn't bring in a thing.
23:13 I swear to God she smuggled cocaine into me.
23:16 So, I guess it's this convict's word against my wife's.
23:21 Now, let's see. Who can we trust?
23:24 Peggy, have you ever decapitated anyone?
23:27 No, I don't believe I have.
23:29 How about you, Wes?
23:31 Have you ever done anything that caused a man's head to come off?
23:35 Well, I guess someone owes me an apology.
23:52 I wouldn't hold your breath. I don't think Wes even apologized for those people he killed.
23:57 I was talking about you.
23:59 Oh, I'm sorry.
24:02 Do you even know what you're apologizing for?
24:04 No, I'm sorry, but I don't.
24:07 I accept.
24:09 You apologized because you said I couldn't take care of myself, and I can. So there.
24:14 All right. I thought it had something to do with the prison.
24:21 I'm sorry.
24:23 I'm sorry.
24:25 I'm sorry.
24:54 Oh, sloppy!