Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:10 (upbeat music)
00:15 (upbeat music)
00:19 (upbeat music)
00:24 (upbeat music)
00:31 (upbeat music)
00:34 - Two and an eighth, and two and a 16th.
00:43 Better let some air out of my left tires.
00:49 - Hey, getting your lawn ready for Cinco de Mayo, Hank?
00:53 - Bill, my lawn is in a constant state of readiness.
00:57 The block party is just an opportunity
00:59 to trot her out and show what she can do.
01:01 - Hey Hank, can't you let your lawn go to hell?
01:04 Okay if doggy make on it?
01:06 - Hey, if you've got something to say, say it.
01:08 - It's not my place to point out low density patches here,
01:12 over there, and behind the other side of house.
01:15 Sucky lawn bring down value of my property.
01:19 - Now you listen here, Con.
01:21 If anyone's bringing down the value of this neighborhood,
01:25 it's me.
01:26 My lawn's nothing but ragweed and auto parts.
01:30 I should be ashamed to live next to Hank Hill.
01:33 He's got the best lawn in Arlen.
01:35 - Oh, best lawn?
01:37 After mine.
01:38 (upbeat music)
01:39 Ha!
01:40 Ha ha ha!
01:40 (upbeat music)
01:41 (dog barking)
01:42 - Oh, don't worry Hank.
01:44 We might be able to tell Con's lawn is better than yours,
01:47 but all those people at the block party, they won't.
01:51 They'll be drunk.
01:57 - Damn, I've poured my whole life into this lawn.
02:01 My heart, my soul, the tender feelings I've held back
02:06 from my family.
02:07 - Now Hank, you don't want to win that way.
02:12 Why don't you just switch those back
02:14 and go in and hug your wife?
02:17 (upbeat music)
02:20 - Bethany, it does not matter if your abogados are hard.
02:24 Life is hard.
02:26 You cannot make authentic guacamole
02:29 out of lima beans and Ritz crackers.
02:31 All these people, gringos.
02:35 - I'm just glad you're in charge
02:37 of the block party this year, Aunt Peggy.
02:40 Last year, it was all Tex and no Mex.
02:43 - I don't know why everyone's so gaga
02:46 over Con's lawn all of a sudden.
02:48 For God's sakes, the man mows with the grain.
02:52 - Oh, he's the devil.
02:53 Anyway, Hank, would you please tell Boomhauer
02:55 Swiss cheese is not Mexican, it is American.
03:00 I want him to bring some Monterey Jack.
03:03 - I'm the block captain.
03:05 I should have the best lawn for Cinco de Mayo.
03:09 But look at her, something's wrong.
03:11 She's like a pretty girl with short hair.
03:14 - Hey Hank, what do you say do another lawn spraying
03:19 from your favorite exterminator?
03:21 - Well, I don't know.
03:23 I guess those twice a week sprayings
03:26 have been doing the job, Dale.
03:28 - I lost another client.
03:31 Thinks I use too much chemicals.
03:34 I say Sarah Lee uses more chemicals than I do.
03:38 Come on, I need to make up the income.
03:41 I'll do it for free.
03:42 - Well, okay.
03:46 - Wingo, man.
03:48 I'll get my stuff.
03:50 - You know, maybe that's what's wrong with your lawn.
03:52 Dale's spraying too much poison on it.
03:54 - What?
03:55 No, he's always sprayed my lawn.
03:59 And if I can give some business to my friend
04:01 and keep my lawn bug free, it's worth $2 a week.
04:05 - Well, then good for you
04:07 for choosing your friend over your lawn.
04:09 - All right, turn your cuffs down, boys.
04:14 Make sure you're zipped.
04:16 - Uh, you know what, Dale?
04:18 I thought it over and I think I'll take a rain check.
04:22 But I was going to spray for fire ants today.
04:25 - All the same, I'll give it a pass.
04:28 - Oh, I wouldn't advise that.
04:30 You risk getting a queen.
04:32 Look at her.
04:34 She can lay a million eggs in a 24 hour period.
04:39 - Wow, that's more than a human woman does in a lifetime.
04:43 - These fire ants are well-organized,
04:46 highly trained insects.
04:48 They'll swarm all over you and sting you all at once
04:52 without warning on a single command.
04:55 It's how they killed L. Ron Hubbard.
04:58 - Oh, Dale, fire ants don't sting you all at once.
05:03 Half of them bite, the other half are on defense.
05:06 - That's not true.
05:08 - I'm a man, Hank's man.
05:10 He no dead, dang old Hank's man.
05:12 - What are you guys listening to Hank for?
05:14 I have dedicated my professional career
05:17 to the study and control of arthropods.
05:21 I have personally taste tested
05:23 each and every household insecticide.
05:26 I have read a book.
05:28 Now, who do you believe, me or Hank?
05:31 - I know Hank more believable.
05:33 - Fine, side with him.
05:35 Just to show you what a big man I am,
05:38 I'll still spray your lawn.
05:41 - Dale, I don't want you to spray my lawn anymore.
05:45 - Not now, not ever.
05:47 - I see what's going on here.
05:51 You got another exterminator.
05:54 Is he licensed?
05:55 Is he bonded?
05:57 Is that it?
05:58 Did you want someone who's licensed and bonded?
06:01 - Dale, let's not make this any harder than it has to be.
06:05 It's over.
06:06 - But I'm your exterminator.
06:10 - You were my exterminator.
06:12 Now we're just friends.
06:14 (gentle music)
06:17 - Don't do this to me in front of everybody.
06:20 Let me just spray a little to keep up appearances.
06:24 - No.
06:25 (spraying)
06:30 - All done, Hank.
06:36 Just keep the dog in the house for an hour.
06:40 - I did what had to be done.
06:43 I got rid of an anti-lawn element.
06:47 Sure, he's a friend, but I have lots of friends.
06:51 I only have the one lawn.
06:53 (gentle music)
06:55 What do you think?
07:02 Does this say Hank Hill?
07:04 - I thought we just came for seed and fertilizer.
07:07 Why are men so attracted to hoes?
07:10 - Peggy, Peggy, look.
07:13 It's Raleigh St. Augustine.
07:16 Hell with fertilizer and seed, I want this.
07:19 - Hank, it's $1.25 a square foot.
07:22 - So what?
07:24 It's worth it.
07:25 Look, some people hoist a flag
07:27 to show they love our country.
07:29 Well, my lawn is my flag.
07:32 It tells the world,
07:33 here lives a competent, trustworthy salesman
07:37 of propane and propane accessories.
07:40 A man who can't keep up a lawn is either inept or stupid.
07:45 Without my lawn, I am Bill.
07:48 Do you wanna be married to Bill?
07:50 - Well, mister, you have just installed
08:03 the finest lawn on the block.
08:05 - Oh, Peggy, I didn't do it for me.
08:07 I did it for Arlen.
08:09 - Oh, it looks so nice.
08:11 Can I touch it?
08:12 - Sure, it's a lawn.
08:14 It's meant to be enjoyed.
08:16 - It feels so good against my skin.
08:23 - Okay, that's enough.
08:34 - Hey, Hank, congrats on the lawn, friend.
08:39 - Well, I'm glad you came.
08:41 - May I?
08:43 - Just a little.
08:44 - Oh, yeah, that's nice.
08:48 Feels like a shag carpet with dirt.
08:52 Feels like home.
08:54 - Hey, get off my papa's seat!
08:57 (laughing)
08:58 - Blue Ann!
08:59 - Hey, Hank, I'm sorry.
09:01 - Get off my seat!
09:04 - Blue Ann!
09:05 For God's sakes!
09:07 - Ouch.
09:29 - Ah, boy, it does feel good against the skin.
09:34 - Hank Hill, somebody steal my TV guide out of mailbox.
09:38 First I think it's Bill, but then I think, can Bill read?
09:42 - Well, hey, kind, just letting my feet air out here.
09:46 - Oh, Bill Billy Barefoot, big surprise.
09:49 - Yep, just walking around on my lush, super plush new lawn.
09:55 - I know this, Valley State Augustine, very expensive.
09:58 - Well, I think it was worth it for the best lawn in Arlen.
10:02 - Yes, yes, all right, you win, best lawn.
10:04 Tomorrow, maybe we come past Salary.
10:07 - Tom Junior, get fertilizer.
10:09 Men, get my tax return.
10:11 - Heh, heh.
10:13 Hmm, don't want to get a hose imprint.
10:17 Ow, what the?
10:21 A fire ant?
10:24 - Oh, God, no, an ant hill on my new lawn.
10:29 - Oh, so that's what that is.
10:32 - How did I get fire ants?
10:34 - I'm only a professional exterminator.
10:37 I don't know how you get 'em.
10:39 I only know how you get rid of 'em.
10:41 Well, gotta go.
10:43 - It's called echo kill, Hank.
10:47 The government would not let them use the word echo unless it was ecologically safe.
10:52 - I don't know, Peggy.
10:54 It seems to me it's gonna take more than a bag of flies to scare off these red devil bastards.
11:01 - No, they'd do more than scare 'em.
11:05 The forward fly injects its egg into the fire ant's head.
11:09 The egg hatches into a maggot, which eats away at the ant's brain until the head falls off.
11:16 Repeat as necessary.
11:18 - I like it.
11:19 - This is exactly what those environmentalists should be spending their time on.
11:25 Finding ways to use nature against other forms of nature that are inconvenient to man.
11:32 - Wow, look how busy this ant is.
11:35 It's got so many places to go and so many things to do.
11:40 Oops.
11:42 Oh, your parents got echo kill.
11:46 Cool.
11:48 We can collect the empty ant heads when they're done.
11:51 What a terrible way to die.
11:54 Oops.
11:55 Come on, if we save them, we can play with them.
11:59 Hey, look at that chubby white one.
12:16 He reminds me of me.
12:18 Before my growth spurt.
12:20 This queen is stupid.
12:22 It looks just like the one in my dad's truck.
12:25 - You mean Dale Gribble's truck?
12:27 - Yeah, my dad.
12:29 - The queen is cool.
12:31 She lets out smells that make the other ants do whatever she wants.
12:36 Wow.
12:41 - Well, well, well, looks like those fire ants played you like a damn fiddle.
12:46 - Yeah, well, the opry ain't over yet.
12:49 Okay, ants, put your heads between your six legs and kiss your butt goodbye.
12:55 Celebration of local graffiti artists?
13:09 I'll give you a headline, "Local man cancels newspaper subscription."
13:14 Ha, ha, ha!
13:16 - Hey, Hank!
13:19 You got a point for all that construction?
13:23 - You've got ants.
13:25 [rock music]
13:28 - Yes, Bat Queen.
13:52 [music continues]
13:55 - Hey, Uncle Peggy wants me to barbecue 20 pounds of Mexican sausage.
14:02 I got half a tank of propane left.
14:04 You think that's enough, I figure I could top it off with some lighter fluid or something.
14:09 - Oh, Bill, you don't want to be mixing and matching your petrochemicals.
14:14 The Propane Association recommends that--
14:16 - It'll be fine, Bill.
14:18 Burn is burn.
14:20 - Burn is burn.
14:21 I gotta remember that.
14:22 - No, no, I'm telling you, that's dangerous.
14:25 Propane is what I know best.
14:28 - Well, it sure ain't lawns.
14:30 [laughing]
14:32 - Yeah, man, that's right about there, y'all.
14:35 - Hey, guys, I kind of got to talk to Dale alone.
14:40 - Hank, I was just telling the guys about Stonehenge.
14:48 It seems the Druids used it as some kind of sophisticated celestial--
14:52 - Uh, Dale, I didn't come here to--
14:55 - Oh, no.
14:56 For once, you will hear me out.
15:00 Calendar.
15:02 Now, what can I do for you?
15:04 - You can save my lawn.
15:06 Those fire ants are out of control.
15:09 Dale, you're the only one who can help me.
15:12 - That's right.
15:13 I am.
15:15 The question is, why should I?
15:17 - Well, I'll give you $2.
15:19 - Ha!
15:21 $2.
15:24 - Because you're my friend.
15:26 - Ooh, I'm Hank's friend.
15:29 Tie a ribbon around me.
15:32 - Because I'm coming to you man to man,
15:35 offering a genuine apology for choosing my lawn over our friendship.
15:41 - Geez, Hank, I'm just holding out for $2.50.
15:45 - Hey, what's that? What are you spraying?
15:48 There won't be bleaching, will there?
15:50 - Hell no.
15:52 Uh, I'd put that mask back on if I were you.
15:56 You should have come to me sooner.
15:59 I gotta pull out the big gun.
16:01 Dioxaphilipide 6000.
16:05 With Tecroline.
16:07 Heh, heh.
16:08 - And don't forget it is a quadro de mayo.
16:12 - Thanks, brother. - Right, man.
16:17 [sad music]
16:28 - It's not fair.
16:30 She was so young and green.
16:34 I never even got a chance to mow her.
16:37 - Oh, it'll be okay, Hank.
16:39 I'll grow a new lawn by next year's Cinco de Mayo.
16:42 - Uh-uh. I can't go through this again.
16:46 From now on, wood chips and gravel.
16:49 - Now you do not mean that.
16:51 - Ashes to ashes, man. It's that dang old ashes to ashes.
16:55 - I only used as much poison as necessary and not a 55-gallon drum more.
17:01 - Poor Hank.
17:03 Serves him right.
17:05 - Yeah, yeah, it does.
17:07 You know where I come from, we got a thing called karma.
17:10 You do something bad, they come back and bite you in the ass.
17:14 Big, white, stubborn ass.
17:17 - Uh, guys, I can hear ya.
17:21 - Aunt Paggie, Buffy wants to bring his 38 to shoot off at the block party,
17:27 but Uncle Hank said nothing bigger than a 22.
17:30 - Well, now he is the block captain, Luann.
17:35 - Now, I coat the churros with azucare or sugar.
17:42 - Very odd.
17:45 - Now what the heck was that?
17:48 - Please, pop queen, please.
18:04 - I just hope Hank doesn't blame Dale for what happened.
18:08 - Oh, no, Nancy. He knows Dale was only doing his job.
18:12 That's it. He gave him a 50-cent raise.
18:15 - Oh, sugar. We're out of sugar, shug.
18:18 You know, I think there's some more in the basement.
18:21 - Oh, no, I'll go get it. I'll get it.
18:24 - Dale?
18:27 Dale?
18:30 Dale?
18:39 Mmm.
18:49 - Ah!
18:56 - Oh, my goodness.
18:59 - Hey, Paggie.
19:01 - How could you do it?
19:03 How could you plant fire ants on our lawns?
19:06 - Uh, I'm denying that. That's my position.
19:09 - Dale, you wrote it on this map. 3 a.m., planted ants.
19:13 - If all you're going on is my confession, forget it.
19:16 I'm simply not credible.
19:18 - Well, then, what on God's green earth are you doing with all these fire ants?
19:22 - Uh, they're silkworms.
19:25 - Uh-huh.
19:27 - If you keep your mouth shut, I'll make you a business suit.
19:31 - No. I cannot allow you to leave the safety of the bowl.
19:36 It is too dangerous out there.
19:40 Forgive me, my queen. I spoke out of turn.
19:50 - Yes, your majesty.
19:53 I will tell my people about you.
19:56 And may I be so bold as to ask you to tell your subjects about--
20:01 [doorbell buzzes]
20:03 Uh-oh.
20:05 [humming]
20:10 - Dale!
20:12 - Ah!
20:14 Oh, man.
20:16 - Dale, you went too far this time.
20:19 Come back here. Come here. I'm gonna kick your ass.
20:22 - No. No!
20:24 - I'm gonna kick it harder if you don't come over here.
20:27 - You shouldn't have fired me. You know what I'm like.
20:30 I'm capable of any crazy thing.
20:33 - Your lawn, Dale. You don't mess with a man's lawn.
20:36 - I had no choice.
20:38 I tried planting the ants in your driveway, but they didn't take.
20:41 They couldn't bite through cement.
20:43 They're weak, like me.
20:46 - Um, Dad?
20:48 - Not now, Bobby. I'm in the middle of something.
20:50 - This really can't wait.
20:53 - Oh, Bobby, what are you doing?
20:56 - Take 'em off.
20:58 - Bobby, don't move a muscle.
21:01 - Listen to him, Bobby.
21:03 If you move, they're all gonna sting at once.
21:05 - Take my hand, Bobby.
21:07 The ants will swarm on me.
21:09 - What if they don't?
21:11 - Oh, they will.
21:13 They've been waiting to get a piece of me for 15 years.
21:17 Come and get it, boys.
21:20 [grunting]
21:23 [grunts]
21:25 Ouch.
21:27 [grunts]
21:29 [grunts]
21:31 - Mr. Gribble?
21:33 - Dale, no!
21:35 Oh.
21:37 Oh, God.
21:39 You sacrificed your life to save my son.
21:43 I guess that makes us even for you ruining my lawn.
21:48 What am I saying?
21:50 Of course it makes us even.
21:53 [laughs]
21:57 - While I was blacked out, was anything inserted into me?
22:01 - You're alive?
22:03 - Answer the question.
22:05 - And it's on the green.
22:18 - Beautiful.
22:20 - It's on the green.
22:22 - So green and soothing.
22:24 - [imitates a trumpet] Oh, yeah!
22:26 - Come join the block party.
22:28 Have at least one margarita before Bill finishes them all.
22:32 - It's not "ma-ga-ri-ta," okay?
22:37 It's "mar-ga-ri-ta."
22:39 [doorbell rings]
22:41 - Oh, Hank.
22:43 Hank, come quick.
22:46 - Well, I'll be.
22:48 - Here, Hank.
22:50 - I've been saving this for someone special.
22:54 But I guess she's never coming back.
22:57 - Try and make the lawn nice, neighbor.
23:00 - Organically grown.
23:02 No chemicals.
23:04 I killed all the bugs with my fingers.
23:07 - Whoo-wee, man!
23:09 Hank's everybody's best friend.
23:12 Man, richest man in the world.
23:14 Just like the dang old Jimmy...yo.
23:17 - Well, this is a very friendly gesture.
23:20 I like y'all a whole lot.
23:24 If any of you weren't here, I'd miss you some.
23:28 I especially want to thank Dale Gribble.
23:32 Without his paranoid and, well, hateful nature,
23:36 I never would have learned what kind of beating a friendship can survive.
23:41 You're my best friend, Dale.
23:43 - Well, I thought I was your best friend, Hank.
23:46 - Yeah, well...
23:49 [chuckles]
23:52 [music]
23:57 [whistling]
24:01 [whistling continues]
24:04 [whistling continues]
24:07 [whistling continues]
24:10 [whistling continues]
24:13 [whistling continues]
24:16 [whistling continues]
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24:25 [whistling continues]
24:28 (whistling)
24:31 (whistling)