Category
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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:20 [MUSIC]
00:40 Boy, I tell you what, Chappy, you've got some good looking trees this year.
00:44 Is that a dig? 'Cause it ain't funny, Hank.
00:47 I wasn't trying to be funny.
00:49 Oh, sorry, Hank, but people ain't buying trees this year.
00:53 They're buying batteries and bottled water.
00:56 It's the millennium, Hank.
00:58 That's crazy.
01:00 Everyone's known about the millennium for almost a year now.
01:04 You know, I have on good authority from Texas Propane Association Commissioner Murray Hogarth,
01:11 personal friend, that there will be no disruption of essential services.
01:16 Well, I'm not panicking. You want to know why?
01:19 Because Chappy takes care of Chappy.
01:22 Want a piece of cornbread? Make it myself with no electric tools.
01:26 [BIRDS CHIRPING]
01:28 Mmm.
01:30 Must be the elbow grease makes it taste so good, huh?
01:33 Ladder the Lord. Render it myself.
01:36 You're like a pioneer, Chappy.
01:38 I live in a shack. I poop in an outhouse. I eat what I kill.
01:43 Let the grid go down, Lord. I don't need it.
01:48 Uh, there isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there, Chappy?
01:53 I tell you what, man, them Y2K, man,
01:56 them mainframes gonna come crashing down on that grid, man.
01:59 That look like a damn apocalypse now, man.
02:03 The horror. The horror.
02:06 [ENGINE REVS]
02:08 Oh, Lord, Dale.
02:10 You know, this Y2K thing is tailor-made for paranoid freaks like him.
02:16 Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, but I had a fantastic day.
02:21 I went to the Army Navy store.
02:23 Uh, what'd you buy, a battleship?
02:26 [SIGHS]
02:27 No, Hank, don't be a silly.
02:30 Why, I bought an American flag decal.
02:34 It signifies my full faith and confidence
02:37 in the United States government in these trying and uncertain times.
02:42 Well, it's taken 2,000 years, but, Dale, you're finally making sense.
02:48 Team USA!
02:50 Let's see. Four sacks of seed corn.
02:56 Eighteen cases breakfast bars.
02:58 Strawberry. Eighteen cases breakfast bars assorted.
03:02 Two CO2 pressurized drums of Mountain Dew.
03:05 Shuck.
03:06 No one's gonna catch the big B off guard.
03:09 Shoo-shoo-shack-a-ha!
03:11 The real problem will be obtaining fresh meat.
03:14 A breeding pair of gerbils.
03:17 Um, Dale, honey, one of those is a hamster.
03:24 Laugh now, lady.
03:28 After a month of eating cockroaches, you will be begging for gerbster.
03:33 Okey-dokey. How's this one?
03:35 Although there is no "L" in Christmas, there is "Noel" in Christmas.
03:42 Oh, I see. The second one is "N-O-E-L."
03:50 That's a different word. That is very funny, Mom.
03:55 Laugh.
03:56 Pum-pum-pum-pum, me and my drum.
04:02 Hey, who wants to go to Megalomart and buy some tinsel?
04:05 I do!
04:06 Puggy? Tinsel?
04:09 Fire breaks are ho-ho-long!
04:13 There's a run on Triple Ply Bunny Soft.
04:19 What about Quilted Aloe Vera?
04:21 I don't know. It's not my brand.
04:23 Well, it's my brand!
04:26 Bobby, you're not all hepped up on this Y2K ho-ha, are you?
04:31 I just saw a man wheeling 300 rolls of Triple Ply, and it made me uneasy.
04:37 That man is a nutjob.
04:40 Oh, he's no nutjob. I used to work for Dell Computer.
04:44 I know things.
04:46 Dell Computer? Excuse me, but I have a Kaypro.
04:50 Now, can you tell me if it will be Y2K compliant?
04:53 (laughs) Kaypro? My watch has more memory than that piece of crap.
05:00 You know what I think, Dad? Nutjob.
05:05 Peggy, I need your help.
05:12 Oh, I need hard copies. I could lose everything, Hank. Everything!
05:17 Seven-letter boggle words, my Peggy Hill self-abridged thesaurus, musings,
05:23 ponderings on the weight of being musings, rap music, wrapping paper.
05:28 I know I can crack that nut.
05:30 Peggy, why don't you take off that nasal strip?
05:37 Maybe your snoring will drown out the sound of that dang printer.
05:41 Do not blame me. Blame the freakin' millennium.
05:46 (music)
05:48 (sighs)
05:53 Oh, no. My opinion!
05:59 (sobs)
06:01 Hey, Dale, you own a computer, don't you?
06:07 I have a system.
06:09 Well, I'm gonna surprise Peggy this year. I'm gonna get her a new...
06:14 Computer.
06:15 A computer?
06:17 Uh, uh... I mean...
06:21 A computer!
06:23 (sighs)
06:24 It's a shame to see all our friends and neighbors acting so selfish.
06:29 Fred Nicholson cut an old lady off yesterday in the checkout line.
06:33 The JV basketball coach.
06:36 Greedy! I mean, if everyone hoards, there'll be nothing left to go around.
06:42 And he who does hoard will have unreasonable power.
06:47 You and I seem to be the only ones around here that have our heads on straight.
06:51 Completely straight.
07:05 The machines are down for compliance testing.
07:09 (gasps)
07:10 Hold the phone! Whack-a-mole is up and running!
07:14 Of course it's running. There's no computer in your Whack-a-mole game.
07:18 It's a basic peg-and-gear system with a simple servo motor controlling each rodent.
07:24 They don't make 'em like this.
07:26 (grunts)
07:27 (beeping)
07:29 (beeping)
07:31 Hank! Found one!
07:37 Now hold on, Dale. I want to make sure it's Y2K compliant,
07:41 because Peggy's K-Pro evidently is not.
07:44 K-Pro? That wasn't Y1K compliant.
07:48 (sobs)
07:51 All home computers are Y2K compliant now.
07:54 But the mainframes...
07:56 If people would spend a little less time worrying
07:59 and a little more time reading a brilliantly written op-ed piece by former FCC chairman Reed Hunt,
08:05 then they'd realize that our government has everything under control.
08:11 I'd like to read that article, Dale.
08:13 And I'll take that computer. The gray one.
08:17 Oh, shoot. Our system is down. I can't ring you up.
08:23 Well, just write me out a receipt.
08:25 Sir, the computer is down. I can't sell you a computer.
08:28 I can't check our inventory. I can't lock the front door.
08:31 It's impossible to figure out the sales tax.
08:33 It's 8%.
08:35 Yes! And 8 is a key on the computer.
08:38 (beeping)
08:40 (dramatic music)
08:43 Hey, Peggy.
08:48 Where's Hank?
08:49 Hank? He went someplace. I can't tell you.
08:53 He went Christmas shopping, didn't he?
08:55 (whimpers)
08:56 So I moved all the combs to the lower drawer, which was practically empty,
09:02 and now it's base-wide policy.
09:05 Yeah, so all the barbers at Fort Landis...
09:08 Tell me the part about what Hank is getting me for Christmas.
09:12 Hmm. Our computer.
09:15 Anyway...
09:16 Oh, yeah!
09:17 Yeah, so remember I said I'd tell you about the brushes?
09:21 I...
09:23 Peggy?
09:25 Peggy!
09:27 You had her with the combs.
09:31 Peggy!
09:33 Suge, I'll be in my think-hole.
09:36 (humming)
09:42 (grunts)
09:44 My do!
09:48 (grunts)
09:50 How could you do this to me, Puff-Puff?
09:54 (screams)
09:56 My cigarettes!
09:58 (grunts)
10:01 No!
10:04 (sobs)
10:06 Well, I hope you took your heart pills this morning, Mr. Strickland,
10:11 'cause it looks like it's gonna be a rough one.
10:14 Nah, not me, Hank. There's a lynch mob out there.
10:17 They're going way too kooky. I'm outta here.
10:19 Sir, have you forgotten the Gasser's Creed?
10:22 I promise to dispense...
10:24 No, no, no, I don't have time for that.
10:26 They're being made to go into the desert to ride out the apocalypse.
10:29 I'll be back in two weeks.
10:47 Don't worry, we've got plenty of propane to go around.
10:51 Hey, Joe Jack, what do you got left in the tanks?
10:55 Tanks are tapped out. We got nothing.
10:58 What? But we were supposed to get a shipment in this morning.
11:02 Okay, it's officially an emergency.
11:07 I'm gonna put a call in to Texas Propane Commissioner Murray Hogarth.
11:11 (crowd gasps)
11:13 He'll have a bobtail here in no time.
11:16 Murray Hogarth, please.
11:18 Oh, hi, Murray. Hank Hill calling.
11:21 My supplier left me holding the...
11:24 What?
11:26 But you promised me there were procedures in place.
11:29 What does this have to do with Y2K?
11:32 What does "temporarily non-compliant" mean?
11:36 Murray, stop crying.
11:40 Act like a commissioner, for God's sake.
11:44 So, where's our propane?
11:47 Nothing to panic about, okay?
11:50 I've got some extra tanks in the back, so if you'll just form a line.
11:54 Single file, please. That's it.
11:57 Okay, there are procedures in place.
12:01 Procedures. Procedures.
12:05 Forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do.
12:11 (music)
12:14 Hank's getting me a new computer for Christmas.
12:32 Well, I think it's romantic.
12:34 Oh!
12:35 Did it make the news?
12:36 Did what make the news?
12:38 Over at work, but Murray Hogarth was crying.
12:42 Peggy, this computer thing could be big.
12:45 You were right to be worried.
12:47 Well, I am more than worried, Hank.
12:49 I am panicked.
12:50 I am panicked that my old computer is going to drag this family down into the depths of chaos.
12:55 Yeah, let's get rid of that old computer.
12:58 Oh, right. Exactly, I agree.
13:02 Let's get rid of that old computer, shall we?
13:05 Oh, he is such a bad actor.
13:08 Once again.
13:11 Ah, Dale, thank goodness.
13:13 Everyone else is losing their minds and you're the only--
13:16 Shut up! I don't have time for your little problems.
13:19 My gerbil screwed me.
13:21 What?
13:22 I'm ruined. All of the planning and the secret hoarding.
13:26 You've been hoarding?
13:27 Duh! I need foodstuffs. What do you got?
13:32 I have got nothing for a liar like you.
13:35 You've got three tanks of propane.
13:38 How did you know that?
13:39 Hank, I have dedicated my life to getting ahead of others in times of crisis.
13:45 This is my time.
13:48 Fine. It's your time, so what do we do?
13:52 I have no idea.
13:54 All right, you're going to need your own wheat grinder.
13:57 I'll teach you how to grow your own mung beans and old paper towels.
14:01 I live in a shack and I poop in an outhouse.
14:04 That's it?
14:09 This is your go-to guy? An outhouse in mung beans?
14:14 I couldn't take on the freaking bicentennial with an outhouse in mung beans, let alone the millennium.
14:21 Is that a dig?
14:23 You listen to me, climbed-up diddlehopper.
14:25 You listen good.
14:27 1.2 trillion lines of lethal software code.
14:30 Yeah, and 30 billion embedded microchips.
14:33 All going down.
14:35 Utilities will fail. Nuclear weapons will launch themselves.
14:39 Wait, wait, hold on. Now don't cut me out.
14:41 We can work as a team, right?
14:43 All right, I'll take care of tools and supplies. You guys are in charge of food.
14:47 Try to stay focused.
14:50 [Grunting]
14:52 Now I know that your mom wants a computer for Christmas,
15:04 but she'll thank me come January 1st when this is the only gift on the block that'll work.
15:10 And when that grid goes down, you know what's gonna happen?
15:14 I don't know what a grid is.
15:17 Exactly. Nobody does.
15:19 And they certainly won't know what time it is,
15:22 and that's when they'll be knocking on our door asking to use our clock.
15:26 What happened to your power drill?
15:30 Gone. Got rid of it.
15:32 Traded it to a fool for a sack of corn.
15:35 We've only got six days to stock up on aloe vera-quilted toilet paper.
15:41 I'll get the truck.
15:44 Shush. Let me handle this.
15:47 My friend Chappy and I both have wives for whom we are looking for presents.
15:54 Christmas dogs to put under the tree.
15:58 How about this lasso-opsa?
16:00 No, that's way too small.
16:03 Well, let's see.
16:06 This one's old and kind of ropey.
16:10 My wife would not enjoy it.
16:14 Maybe you two should step away from the cages.
16:16 Please. My wife is in the wheelchair.
16:18 All she wants for Christmas is a big, fat dog with lots of meat on his haunches.
16:25 I'll take all nine of those little dogs on top. Wrap 'em up.
16:29 We have Christmas!
16:36 Have we lost power?
16:38 Don't know, but when we do, we'll be ready.
16:41 Okay, Bobby. Honey, why don't you get us started?
16:46 I love it!
16:49 Well, you did drop some pretty big hints.
16:53 All right, who's next?
16:55 Me, me, me!
16:57 Oh! Oh, thanks. Um, it's...
17:02 Yeah, thanks.
17:04 Careful, Luanne. They don't call it a mangle for nothing.
17:08 It's a laundry mangle.
17:12 For a white Christmas.
17:16 That's four thousand sheets.
17:21 Thank you, Bobby.
17:23 Well, I got you a Discman.
17:27 And Uncle Hank, I got you a pair of Timberland boots.
17:32 And I got toilet paper and a laundry mangle.
17:36 Peggy, your turn.
17:38 Is it bigger than a mouse pad?
17:40 Well, why don't you go find out? It's in your office.
17:43 That is not a computer.
17:56 No, it's a Stromwell from 1910.
17:59 I do not want a grandfather clock.
18:02 And I did not want toilet paper.
18:06 Fine, I'll take the grandfather clock.
18:10 It's a great grandfather clock.
18:13 I'll bet you're ready for the Millennium, Coach Landry.
18:27 You won 270 games, and all you needed was one suit...
18:32 and one hat...
18:34 and that one expression.
18:36 [Clock ticking]
18:39 Hmm...
18:48 [Sigh]
18:57 [Sigh]
19:00 [Sigh]
19:04 [Sigh]
19:06 Oops.
19:08 [Sigh]
19:10 [Sigh]
19:15 [Sigh]
19:17 [Sigh]
19:19 Hank, I am taking Bobby and the Where to get real presents.
19:29 Oh, and I'm going to be driving a car, if that's okay with you.
19:33 [Sigh]
19:35 [Sigh]
20:02 Whoa!
20:04 Are you guys crazy? Don't stick your heads out there, you'll get whacked!
20:16 Peggy!
20:20 I'm gonna get it, computer!
20:22 Ow!
20:24 [Grunting]
20:26 Bobby! Bobby Mole!
20:34 I'm wearing diapers, father.
20:37 What?
20:39 I'm going backwards. I'm a baby now.
20:42 The future is bad. You said so yourself.
20:46 We can't go backwards.
20:48 [Groans]
20:50 Bend down. Join the party. Join the party. Up and down.
20:54 This is insanity. Keep your heads down.
20:57 Tom Landry?
21:04 Hello, Hank.
21:05 Coach Landry, you've got to get off the platform.
21:08 It's a peg and gear. In a couple of seconds, it's going to push you through that hole.
21:12 I know.
21:14 But aren't you scared you're going to get whacked?
21:18 Not every time, Hank.
21:20 The times you don't, it's pretty sweet.
21:23 Sunshine, fresh air, a little football on the TV in the arcade.
21:28 Every time I go up, I see a little more.
21:31 Well, my turn again.
21:34 [Grunts]
21:35 Cowboys are playing.
21:37 Attaboy, Troy.
21:39 Come on, Bobby. It'll be all right.
21:43 Coach Landry said so.
21:45 No. I like it here.
21:48 It's safe and it's quilted.
21:51 [Mumbling]
21:53 Bobby, come with me.
21:55 Everything is going to be just fine.
21:58 [Groans]
22:00 [Panting]
22:02 [Groans]
22:04 [Groans]
22:08 [Groans]
22:10 [Groans]
22:12 Oops.
22:14 [Groans]
22:16 [Screams]
22:18 Dad, are you okay?
22:20 [Coughs]
22:23 Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.
22:25 We're all going to be okay.
22:27 [Sighs]
22:29 [Gags]
22:35 What are you doing?
22:37 Bobby, trust me.
22:42 I want to apologize to everyone for almost ruining Christmas.
22:47 There really is nothing to be afraid of about this millennium.
22:51 Heck, the year 2000 only happens once in the history of man,
22:55 and we're darn lucky to see it happen.
22:57 Peggy, do you remember how excited you were
23:00 when you rolled over the odometer in your Buick?
23:03 Well, imagine if the whole world had been in that car with you.
23:08 [Click]
23:10 [Click]
23:12 [Gasps]
23:22 [Groans]
23:24 Oh, Hank, honey, don't-- don't burn the clock.
23:33 You know, the more I see it, the more I think it makes me look like an intellectual.
23:38 Uh, actually, Peggy, I got you a real Christmas present.
23:44 [Gasps]
23:46 A system? Really?
23:48 A blueberry one. It'll be here tomorrow.
23:52 Oh, Hank.
23:54 [Groans]
23:56 Hey, here, Billy. Those aren't logs, you know.
24:02 Yeah, they for wiping, wiping.
24:06 [Spray paint can hissing]
24:09 [Rock music]
24:23 [Rock music]
24:26 [Rock music]
24:48 [Rock music]
24:51 You will be begging for--