YIvis - The king commands E8 (English subs)
Episode 8 of the comedy show with YIvis on Norwegian TV, airing in fall/ winter 2019
English subs and translation by Esther
English subs and translation by Esther
Transcript
00:30Welcome to Kongen befaler, the show where our resident comedians will solve a cavalcade of tasks on a high level which I came up with for the occasion
00:38The participants hope to be the one who in the end goes home with the season’s man prize, a bust made from gold of me
00:47And those who can win this are, as always: Vegard Ylvisåker
00:51Maria Stavang, Bård Ylvisåker
00:54Siri Kristiansen, Calle Hellevang- Larsen
01:03By my side, Olli Wermskog, my faithful and dysfunctional dog of a functionary
01:09Welcome, dear friend – Yes, thank you for that – Can you -quickly- update us on the 1st task? – Yes, I can do that
01:16You asked the participants to bring an item, which will be put into a pot and the winner of tonight’s show gets to take it home to their house
01:25And what is it you asked them to bring
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undefined:undefinedwas bought a long time ago
03:34It’s a very nice house to which she and her mother have a very passionate relation to
03:43So, your daughter still uses it? – No, but she likes to have it, which is totally idiotic, but fine, right?
03:48And when we wanted to put this into the room of the mentioned child, it just didn’t fit, it doesn’t fit into the attic
03:57It doesn’t fit into any of the rooms, now it’s always standing some new place,
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undefined:undefinedturn it around when you put it in?
04:32I don’t pick at you, I hope you’ll get rid of it. Maria, what did you bring? – I brought… oh, now I sound like someone from East-Norway
04:39Bye – Bye – I brought something which isn’t mine, but I want to get rid of, and it’s plain and simple these damn…fucking…E-scooters
04:51I hate them – You hate them, okay
04:56They’re standing around over all of Oslo, over all of Drammen, too, they’re everywhere
05:01For being a confirmand, you suddenly got very old
05:04Do you pay something for every minute it’s laying there? – Yes
05:09All of my confirmation money is spent on this
05:12We’re lacking one, Calle – Yes – You know whom
05:16Uhm… It must be me then -Yes, I brought a gift which my wife received
05:23Very good start – Yes, very good start. She doesn’t know about this
05:30She got it a few days ago, well, one week ago from a friend – From a friend? – Yes
05:37But I don’t understand what you’re supposed to do with this. It’s a Le Creuset miniature cooking pot set
05:50What is this for? It costs about 700 kroner
05:58 Is it decoration, or what? – Put them in there, I’m sure it fits nicely
06:03It fits very well into that house. It’s perfect – Mutton in cabbage for my house
06:11Those are very snobby
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undefined:undefinedhave won with that, but here you lose, Maria
06:53It’s nearly… - Do you want to say why? -What? – Do you want to say why? – Yes, because others are better
07:00It’s as easy as that – The golf set is
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undefined:undefinedseriously asking? – I’m seriously asking, yes
09:37If you throw an egg and it lands and
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undefined:undefinedMaria’s egg solution first, maybe? – No, no, no
10:00Word play… -That wasn’t a word play, I want to
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undefined:undefinedfly onto the target with the eggs
10:28Awful idea
10:33Did it shatter? – It’s shattered – Oh no, then I’ll just have to put some more bubble wrap around it
10:41But I’ll do the same, it’s the winner’s tactic, I just need to have a somewhat better aim
10:56Let’s see, it’s not shattered
11:00It felt as if my tactic was good, but I couldn’t conduct it properly. The idea was good, but the execution was crap
11:11It wasn’t a bull’s eye, but at least you got one egg in the game – Yes – That’s not so bad
11:18They can shatter easily. You’re still in
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undefined:undefinedcheer for you, from time to time
11:48How far away do you think your egg landed? – 1.5 metres? – I can reveal it, it was 3 metres
11:54But I’m leading, I’m leading – Impressive. Shall we see if Bård, Vegard and Calle can beat that?
12:04The strategy is to enter anally into this lion
12:11It can be done quickly, I think. Now this turned into a fruitful little thing with eggs and so on
12:25Did we have a spontaneous abortion, or…? – Was it far in? – Like ordinary
12:32Ordinarily in?
12:37No, it’s shattered
12:40I believe pretty much in this idea. The challenge is to score with the eggs inside of this
12:49He’s smart
12:52I’ll kind of try to create a parachute here
12:57I think that if I just threw it like that, it would be enough
13:02Right now, I don’t have stupid feelings about this here
13:08Yes, it works
13:09There we go, I think this… will be enough
13:15So now I just have to throw the eggs. Yes, it’s farther than I remember when I stood down there
13:25Yes! One
13:36Too far -3 shattered eggs and time is up
13:41Okay, competition egg number 1. Ready, steady, go
13:52What is the position? – The position is here – I’m happy
14:03Well, now we’ll try a bit more incapsulated thing. But we’ll still stick to the rectum, I think
14:11It’s a common thing that race cars
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undefined:undefinedto find a branch in this jumble and tie it to it
16:11Twitch the rope a bit to see if it’s tight
16:23I’m a genius. I put it there. That’s the best feeling
16:35Happy?
16:41I’ve never seen you this satisfied before – You were 7.5 centimetres from the bull’s eye and that means that you have won this task
16:52We can take a look at the score board after two solved tasks
16:57Yes, that’s close
17:03Yes, we continue, Olli, what did you
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undefined:undefinedyou have 20 minutes from now
17:53The only thing I come up with is what you always drew on the board when you were small, that’s not funny
17:58You so easily think of a penis, it’s so easily done to think penis – The first thing you think of is a penis
18:06It’s penis – Penis – A penis
18:17It’s the first thing
18:20What a nice bunch of quality you are
18:25Look at crop circles, then you know what people have been doing for 50000 years
18:29It’s penis and more penis –
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undefined:undefinedand the drawing you like best Atle, yes, that one wins
19:07And I thought we could start with Bård and Vegard
19:14Here, in this soppy grass?! Can I get these boots?
19:22Okay – Yes – Now you’ll see some film tricks. Look, look
19:29Yes, what could I draw for him that makes him happy? It’s probably the most impressive drawing, Vegard is definitely going to try to draw Asterix
19:37Then I’ll draw… I’ll draw Asterix
19:41Helmet, helmet, helmet
19:48He opened a bar called Meyers. I think
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undefined:undefinedyou like to see how it looks?
21:01We must see the result – Yes, it was supposed to be an M within a circle, here is your drawing
21:08It’s very round, very round
21:13You may want to say wow, but when you put the bar low enough, you manage to reach the goal
21:19I’m very, unfathomable happy with this M – You did your best – Yes
21:25But can we also take a short look at Vegard’s? – Absolutely, we can look at it here
21:42Yes, we can laugh – But we can as well… we can turn it around somewhat
21:48And then we can see…. with a bit of help
21:58 Well, I’m not deeply impressed by the richness of details, I’m not, but there was something there
22:04But it didn’t look very different from when you draw Asterix
22:09That’s the level we’re on, yes
22:11The t-shirt? – Yes, I asked the people working
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undefined:undefinedThen I can piss now
24:31Thank you
24:39Maria, you’re doing very well, very good starting point, you’re putting the bar very high
24:44Because I’m good at drawing with GPS – We’ll see. Because it’s a portrait of me
24:50Yes, it was – Your nice face -Should we take a look at this nice face of mine? – We can do that, at one point you were hopping…
25:04That’s you! – Yes, it’s difficult for me to call that a praise
25:11It’s in a way art… abstract art – Yes, that’s the way you go when you failed
25:17Yes, that’s the way you go when you can’t draw – That’s correct. Well… - Let’s look at Calle then
25:23We’ll look at Calle – Yes, the offside rule
25:33Can you explain… - Yes, but did I take the box home with me?
25:40You forgot to turn it off, you did. We can overlook that. But can you, with this as a starting point, explain the offside rule?
25:48Definitely. I managed to create a pretty nice soccer field, not least – Just like it was drawn with a ruler
25:55Square, the middle line and centre circle and everything. The thing I totally failed at is what should represent the 11, in total 22, soccer players
26:0411 on each time. But the dotted line is supposed to represent the player on the very back position from the defending team
26:13The attacking team has the ball. The players…
26:20At the same time one player of the attacking time walks past the dotted line – You have to explain – Shut up when I talk!
26:29The player is a midfield player who centres the ball to someone who stands behind this dotted line, and thereby he is in the offside
26:43We have one left – We have one left, very well explained, Calle
26:47We got a bit smarter. Should we do the last one as well? -Yes, we can look at the last one as well, let’s look at Siri
26:54I think… just to show that I evolved regarding humour on the long journey of a life I’ve had,
27:01I’ll draw a limp penis and write ‘let it stand up’ above it
27:05I start here
27:16Okay, now we have ‘Let it stand up’
27:19Maybe I can do this just to remember my starting point
27:24Like that. That’s the one ball and now I start
27:33They’re normally not the same size, so that’s not so dangerous
27:37Now I have to see, I twirled some grass in order to remember where I started drawing
27:43But not I can’t find that point. I’m just about to freak out. Oh, here. No
27:52Then I have to draw a backup penis. I will draw a very huge, limp penis
27:59So that the former penis will just be a squiggle inside of it
28:09Now it ahouls be enough, there’s
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undefined:undefinedit was you. You took one for the team
28:42I did – Nice, shall we take a small look at how this painting turned out? What I’d like to say first…
28:48You were told to draw something I would like – Yes
28:57How could you know that I love drawings of limp penises?
29:01Do you know me so well? – Yes – You do? – I do – Fantastic -Let’s look at it then -Yes
29:13I want to say… if it is a penis, it’s in any case not limp
29:17Is that how they look? – It depends on the
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undefined:undefinedyou as well, so nice, but you get the 2nd to last
30:27So, it’s the rest of you
30:30Vegard, 3 points – Thanks – I think it was well done when we turned it around the right way
30:35But at the same time, I’m very happy that I get 3 points – You should be -Siri, you nearly won’t believe it, but you get the 2nd place
30:43Also because of the letters, but not least because you accepted responsibility on behalf of this pubescent gang
30:48You took the blame for the penis. Well done. Calle!
30:545 points for Calle – I knew it was worth it
31:00That’s good
31:03But we have more tasks, Olli, which are supposed to separate the wheat from the chaff
31:07And we’ll go down memory lane – Yes, we will. We can go…
31:11Well, did you like 90’s videos?
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undefined:undefinedauthentic America’s funniest home video
33:28I’m looking forward to seeing what you were
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undefined:undefinedmetres above him – That’s true
36:09Vegard? – We’ll look at Vegard
36:36Oh my god, this is so powerful. I’m so dizzy right now
37:11You try so hard – That’s how it’s supposed to be done
37:16I’ve never seen anyone try so hard – No – And achieve so little
37:28The last one? – Absolutely, the last one – Bård
38:20Well, it is believable. But is it funny? – It’s boring, I think
38:27Have you seen enough to reach a verdict? – Yes, I definitely have
38:33And today the last place goes to the one who tries the hardest, it does
38:41Thanks. But I’m proud – But, your brother is right behind you on the 2nd place
38:47You do
38:50We have 3 places left. And let’s see…
38:55We have already distributed the last and 2nd to last place, so the 3rd place is the one that comes next
39:00On the 3rd to last, it’s you, Calle – That’s how it ends – Did you expect more from you, Calle?-No
39:07Siri, you get the 4th to last place – I’m very
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undefined:undefinedbit more action here in the studio
39:47In front of the audience, in front of the viewers and not least, in front of me, get up on stage
39:59Welcome up here. You got ice cubes in front of you and you’re wearing your singlets
40:03The task is as follows: You must take as many ice cubes
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