YIvis - The king commands E3 (English subs)
Episode 3 of the comedy show with YIvis on Norwegian TV, airing in fall 2019
English subs and translation by Esther Roday
English subs and translation by Esther Roday
Transcript
00:31Welcome to Kongen befaler, the show where our permanent comedians will solve a bunch of challenging tasks
00:37Which I mixed up for the occasion. They of course hope to go home with this season’s main prize
00:46A bust of me made from gold
00:54And those who can win this are as always Vegard Ylvisåker
01:00Maria Stavang, Bård Ylvisåker
01:03Siri Kristiansen and Calle Hellevang- Larsen
01:08Welcome evyerone
01:12As always, we start with a prize task where you asked all the participants to bring an item each
01:19Which the winner of today’s show gets to keep
01:22And the criteria for today’s item were set by you, like you use to – Of course I did
01:27And the participants have to bring one thing I’ll be surprised about them owning
01:33Yes, I’m ready to be surprised, actually – Yes, whom would you like to start with?
01:39I wonder if I should start with Bård
01:43Yes… I think this was difficult. I brought a butler bell
01:50Like those they have in Downton Abbey – To call the butler?
01:54Do you have a butler – I don’t have a butler, I had to let him go
01:58This is pretty expensive, 2500 kroner – Should we continue with the next one?
02:04I wonder, Vegard, can’t you show us what you brought with you? – Zero stress
02:09Zero stress, let’s see here. I brought an embroidery machine
02:13An embroidery machine? Not a sew machine? – Yes, it is a sew machine. You can take off the embroidery part and then it becomes a…
02:20But here you have a fully-automatic embroidery machine – And this is yours?- It’s mine, yes
02:26And it’s very expensive – It costs about the same as yours – Used a lot? – Yes, quite often
02:32You have? – Yes – Do you sew a lot? – Fun fact, fun fact:
02:35When Bård played Northug in our previous show, which you did very well – Thank you
02:40He was wearing a shirt with the Red Bull and Coop logo – Yes? – Made by this
02:47You embroidered it for him? Yes, I have to say that – Nice – That’s good
02:55That is a fun fact, I give you this one – Thanks – Very good. Calle, what did you bring?
03:00I brought the 72 last editions of the furniture magazine: Live better
03:10Okay
03:13This corresponds to 6 years of subscription – 6 years of subscription? -Yes, 6 years
03:18So, it will be nice getting rid of it? – No, I’m extremely interested in furniture, that’s what’s surprising here
03:26I don’t seem like a furniture interested guy – We agree on that – Yes
03:32Siri, what did you bring? – I brought a real birthing chair
03:41It’s antique and it was used for giving birth in the old days and it was very nice
03:47Until my dog chewed on those two sides here. I just displayed it as a sort of art…
03:54Or torture-like thing – But it looks very old and expensive…
03:58Isn’t it risky to put it into the pot? – It’s old, but it didn’t cost me a dime
04:03Because my husband inherited it from his great-grandmother – Ok, fine
04:08Maria, now I’m curious – Me too. Well no, I know
04:11I brought a Bollinger…Bollingér bottle
04:22A bottle of champagne? – Yes, it costs a lot of money
04:25You checked if it’s expensive? - I checked on vinmonopolet.no – Have you decided?
04:30Yes, I have decided, and I have to be allowed to say it at once, it’s boring to start with the one who had the last item, but you get the last place, you do
04:37I’m a bit unsure about the doorbell. You knew it? You saw it coming? -Yes
04:42You end up at second to last with this one, you do
04:45I wonder… well you have such a good story with your embroidery machine that I won’t…
04:51You know what, you with live better, you get the 3rd place – What? – You do. Yes, you do
04:57You know what, the birthing chair will get the 2nd place and so we have a winner in Vegard
05:05Every time – It’s fine, I agree on this – I agree
05:10Shall we continue maybe? – Yes, shouldn’t we?
05:13Nothing wrong with continuing. Now I feel that I immediately could imagine an exhausting
05:18Awful, stressful task which blows them out completely
05:39It’s cold – I won’t get in there, it’s cold. Easy as that
05:45Empty the water out of the tub – It’s not allowed to pull the plug, destroy or knock over the tub
05:52Time starts now
05:57What could I have that empties a tub?
06:05No… there’s only air getting into the water
06:13What could I have that empties a tub?
06:45Wrong way
06:49Good. Hi there
06:59There’s no water left – Do you want to stop the time? – Yes
07:12Do you believe that you win this task? – Not really – You don’t? – Not today
07:18But I can reveal that your time was 9 minutes and 6 seconds
07:21The best one temporarily – Yes, the best one so far. I give you that -Shall we continue? – Yes, we continue
07:26Let’s watch Calle then, let’s have a look
07:32No, this is risky
07:35Electricity and water are not that good of a combination
07:38People have died in tubs with electronic item in tubs…before
07:51This is working, but I’d just like to tape this one here, then I can just leave and let it work
08:25No, no. Are you drinking this?
08:29It flows up. Can you come over and hold it down into the water?
08:34So, I just have to suck this until it flows
08:55Well, now it can stay there and enjoy itself a bit
09:00I think this is the solution Vegard went for right away. I actually think that Vegard becomes somewhat...
09:06 aroused when he thinks about siphons
09:10We have a siphon in out pants, don’t we? That wasn’t funny? – Well yes
09:22Yes – Yes, so that one stopped? – What are you making? – A ladle
09:26That wasn’t stupid, do you get it? – You have to tell me when you’re done -Done
09:36Nice…goodbye – Bye
09:47It’s difficult to know where to start here. In the beginning you were in mortal danger, Calle
09:52Mortal danger? Yes, I was scared to death – Yes you were, scared to death
09:57You weren’t able to hide it – If there’s one thing I respect, it’s death, in these kinds of recordings
10:03So, in these situations you’re a coward? – Yes, I’m a coward – It worked, but your time…
10:09The tub was emptied within 15 minutes and 45 seconds
10:14Awful – Awful, but 2nd place so far -Yes, 2nd place so far, but I’m disappointed
10:19Should we take a look? – Yes, let’s watch Vegard’s
10:29I will make two siphons which can just stay there and work while I try to empty the water
10:35No, damn this siphon
10:46Okay, I just try to do different things at the same time. This is a very bad idea
10:53Okay, I try…. I just do it this way
11:01I don’t want to get wet, but maybe I should care a little less about that
11:05That’s why I put my foot up with this little ‘whoosh’
11:16How accurate are you? Do I have to dry it? – That’s not up to me to decide
11:20Okay, then I have to be 100 % sure – Time stops when you say you’re done
11:25Okay, then I really want to do a good job
11:34And I would like you Olli, even if you are Sweden or Switzerland or whatever you are
11:39Since you don’t express any opinion, that you come look that there’s no water left at the bottom. And now I’m happy – I’m Finnish
11:47But they were on the Nazi’s side, at least in the beginning of the war and then they
11:52Switched over to the… what? Afterwards? – Are you seriously wondering? – Yes
11:57But I would say that this is… let’s see…
12:03This is… - Dry? – Wet – Wet?
12:07No – If you want my honest answer. You shouldn’t spend time asking about the Finnish war
12:13We’re a nice gang – The two of us? – Yes
12:20There!
12:24It’s dry – Yes – I don’t do things like that
12:29Should I stop the time – Yes…
12:34Stop the time
12:41Isn’t it funny that when Calle uses a siphon, Vegard uses a double-siphon?
12:47That’s nice to look at – I’ve been watching for 10 minutes and I don’t know what a siphon is -You’ll learn in the course of this season – We’ll take it afterwards – Yuck
12:55If you have been following a bit you know that…
13:02We actually have a new man leading
13:07That’s what we have. It’s not bad, 6 minutes and 48 seconds
13:14Should we take a look at if Bård manages to beat that? – I think it’s important to watch the brother-duel – Let’s do it
13:21What’s the plan? – I will just make a siphon while I work
13:34This must go well
14:10I will definitely empty it completely
14:12I’ll use grandad’s method to dry it with the whole roll
14:16If it’s a bit wet, first one layer of paper, right? If it’s a bad day there’s no talk about it
14:25It just goes into the roll
14:28So, if you have a bit of diarrhoea, this is the way to do it
14:42You looked very cool in the smoke of that boat engine, I have to say that
14:47I was cool? – But you had to have a tiny, little siphon? – I had to have a siphon -A small one – I needed to have a small siphon – But I’m curious if it was effective?
14:56No – No – It was plain and simple the last place – Last place? – Yes, 16 minutes and 3 seconds
15:08Vegard, you are still leading, but we can take a look at Siri, if you’d like to
15:13Of course we’ll take a look at Siri, but not before we’ve seen a little bit of commercials
15:26Welcome back to kongen befaler and we’re eagerly waiting for how Siri will empty the tub
15:32Yes, and there’s nothing to wait for, so we can start here and now
15:41Kill that teddy
15:51Come on
15:56Shit, it gets heavy
16:04Okay, they’re wet
16:09Oh, you’re heavy
16:19I hope children aren’t watching this show
16:28And in there with you, teddy bear
16:34I don’t stop before you say stop – I’m not completely satisfied, I need a little teddy foot here
16:42There! – Time? – Yes
16:51Something that in the beginning seems like a very, very, awful idea
16:56It turns out to be just a totally averagely bad idea – It was only nearly enough for Siri and her teddy
17:04It’s the 2nd place – No? What? – Yes, 8 minutes and 25 seconds – Do you mean that?
17:11We can take a look at the score board, you received 5 points here, Vegard
17:16We can see it added up. It’s not a big surprise, you’re still leading, Vegard
17:22Very good – Yes, yes
17:27We are ready for more tasks, and Olli, which kind of treats do you have for us now? -No, I thought we should take a trip to the retral country
17:34Is this where everything is possible? – Is that humour? – That’s humour
17:39Now you’ve learned, do you get it? – Now I learned – See and learn – Yes, that’s a good one
17:57Hi, good day
18:12Make a film that will be played backwards. The film Atle likes best, wins
18:17You have 30 minutes. (“Time starts now written backwards”)
18:32Slapstick is in a way a thing that fits to a backwards thingy
18:37But a bit too obvious…something that’s in contrast to slapstick?
18:41Porn…porn backwards
18:44No, then you need good co-actors
18:50No, it was just an idea
18:52I think preparation is the key
18:54The trap people go into here is that they write down things when they’ll talk, right?
18:59They’ll write down things, like here e.g. it says:
19:06Right? It sounds weird if you just read it like this, right? So, you have to record it and then play it backwards
19:14And then you have to practice the way it sounds
19:19That’s it. Tada (Voila) sound like this backwards. That’s a bit difficult to know
19:27Things that are boring forwards are fun backwards
19:31What’s funniest to put in your butt?
19:39I just want to put things in my butt
19:44“Saying things backwards”
20:08Today is a day for putting things backwards into your butt.
20:12This one here… I will definitely use this one
20:18Oh, it’s so nice to be stupid and so childish
20:34So, we can’t avoid it Maria
20:41Your only idea… when you are told you’re filmed
20:46Things have to go in your butt? That’s the only idea you have?
20:53Things must go into the butt and there it ends? – I was just in the mood to put things up my butt that day -It was that kind of day?
20:59Yes, otherwise, it’s interesting to see how you solve this – Absolutely
21:04The participants have recorded a short clip, for you – Yes
21:09And then I played the film backwards. I’m thinking we can just start with Vegard
21:21Olli? -Yes?
21:23Have you ever made eggs?
21:27No, sounds fun
21:30It’s easy, you only need three things
21:40Shell
21:44Yolk
21:58And egg white? – Correct
22:06There
22:17You should be glad it was subtitled – Yes, I’m glad – Well, we have several here
22:22Yes, should we watch Calle – We watch Calle – I’d like to see Calle – I’d like to see Calle
22:49Hi – Yes
22:52Get? – No
23:32I hope nobody was hurt during this violent fight that was going on there
23:39Damn, that was bad. It was way, way worse than I thought – Nobody was hurt
23:45Should we watch Siri? – We will watch Siri – But before we watch Siri’s
23:50I just want to make a comment that even if I appear in this film, I have nothing to do with the production
23:56Zero, because – Are you distancing yourself? – I’ve never distanced myself more, because this here, is shit
24:05We can watch it
24:55I must in any case say, I didn’t understand anything – No – You get applause anyway
25:02You see now that you didn’t understand the task?
25:05What I did… - You just recorded a film correctly and then just played it backwards
25:10But it’s meta, do you understand? Because we acted backwards
25:20I note that you call that ‘film’ – But we’ll watch more backward movies
25:25Bård, what do you want to say about yours? – The film’s title is:
25:29Commercial for the cleaning pill– For a cleaning pill? – Yes – Commercial for the cleaning pill? – Yes
25:36Okay then
25:46Oh, what a mess
25:48Aren’t you tired of cleaning up?
25:53We have the solution
25:57The cleaning pill
27:03That was impressive – Thanks – That was impressively conducted -Now I understood the task
27:10Yes, we’ll come back to you, Siri – But there’s one left
27:15We have one left and that is Maria who was obsessed with putting things up her butt
27:22Very curious what you created, but we’ll see some commercials first
27:37Welcome back, now we’ll watch Maria’s backwards film, and Maria, what’s it called?
27:43My film is called: The following day
27:49Then we’ll watch ‘the following day’
28:27I don’t understand anything, how did you do that?
28:30Was it magic? Did you get what you wanted?
28:34I did the same as Siri, I just did it in the right order
28:38So, now all films have been played and back to you Siri, now you’ve seen them all
28:43Do you have some suggestions regarding which place you’ll end up with?
28:48Can’t we watch it one more time? – No
28:51I think if I had done it in black and white, I could have done better
28:56But since it’s in colour, I’ll put myself last -That’s a very good suggestion, you get the last place for that, you do
29:02There’s no reason to applaud for that I think we have to put you 2nd to last, Calle, surprisingly
29:08Vegard ends up in the middle, thus on the 3rd place – I think that you may have thought ‘This one I’ll win’ – No, no, no
29:16Maria’s art project ends up on the 2nd place and a crystal clear 1st place for Bård
29:31There’s nothing in the world to wait for, we’re already ready for the next task
29:34It’s about rubber ducks that must be torn down, not mentally, but physically
30:03This one over there is the grand master of the ducks
30:14All ducks have to be torn down. You have to stand behind the white line when the ducks fall
30:18You can’t touch the ducks – I would never even think about it
30:23You can’t touch the ducks. Time starts when the first duck falls
30:27When the first duck falls? That’s cool because then I can prepare myself somewhat
30:34Do you know how to make a lasso? – No – No
30:37We don’t have a shotgun, right? – No -Okay, I go into the garage
30:46You seem as if you’re all positive about this task – Yes – Yes
30:50The task is thus to rip down all rubber ducks as fast as possible and the participants must be behind the white line when the ducks fall
30:57And what’s important to remember is that the time doesn’t start before the first rubber duck falls and let's start with...
31:05Siri
31:08I will try everything. It’s been a long time since I felt so feminine
31:20Yes, exactly what I wanted
31:35Now I go turbo
31:42Useless
31:47You can’t touch the ducks. No, no, I won’t touch the ducks
31:56Come on
32:01Now you’re left. No, I can’t touch the ducks
32:04Now I’ve done many smart things and I wanted to throw this one high up in the air and then reach the white line
32:09But I can’t touch it. I can’t throw it if I can’t touch it
32:16The leaf blower is turning out to be the worst invention on earth
32:22No, this takes way too much time
32:24I could of course just try to throw something in that direction, but I’m not that good
32:36That works
32:44Yes, Siri, I think I’ve never seen you that satisfied like when you came up with the solution there in the end
32:49Now I think I’ve made amends – So far. It wasn’t a bad effort, but it will be interesting because we haven’t seen anyone else yet
32:57No – Let’s see – Shall we watch Bård, Calle and Maria? – Yes
33:01What will you try? – No, I’ll just throw the anchor and pull it back again
33:07Plain and simply tear them down with help of this barb which is the anchors’ best quality
33:19Like this, yes
33:23There goes the anchor
33:25Now time’s running – Yes. Damn anchor
33:29If I move this without any of the ducks falling, I’m closer to the line
33:34Up, up, up
33:39No, no, put it down again, I don’t dare any more
33:46Now the first duck fell, and time starts running – I wonder if everyone is going to use a rope
33:51If you are going for throwing things, you’re an idiot
34:12Preparation is the key to success
34:25Oh, dear god
34:27There’s a hose
34:39What do you think, is this going fast enough? – No
34:48Now it’s working 100 % -Come on
34:56Now it looks as if he’s just showering
35:05Fine. Now we are ready
35:10Ready, steady, come on now
35:23Come on, you damn duck. Boom, all of them are down
35:35Watch me now
35:36What do you think Atle thinks about the way his garden is looking?
35:41It’s possible he thinks it’s a bit stupid. At the same time, I managed to clean up the garage somewhat
36:00We will go directly to you Maria – Hi – Hi. You made a very good effort,
36:07but unfortunately, I have to inform you that a whole of 9 ducks fell, didn't they? - Yes
36:12Yes, correct, 9 ducks. Before and during the task
36:17So, you get 0 points, unfortunately – I take that one – We can say Calle’s time
36:23It was in fact 3 minutes and 57 seconds – That isn’t so bad – No – So you actually pass Siri
36:30And you Bård, you managed to get all the ducks down within...
36:3613 seconds
36:41Very impressive – But let’s see if Vegard manages to beat that
36:46You can’t touch the ducks and time doesn’t start before the first duck falls
36:58So, in a way, this fine. And those – What are you doing?
37:02I just move the ducks closer, then it’s a lot easier to get them down
37:09Okay, this works very well. Olli, can you hold this? If not, I just take the whole thing
37:14You can do that? – I’ve held hoses before, it will be fine
37:22I don’t have that much rope
37:28There. So, we have this one
37:31This one we can just get with some extra rope here
37:36So, I’ve made some kind of… base of operations here. Those are the 2 big ones, and this is the last one over there
37:44I think I’ll put this on top, so I can take it first, because it is the one I’m least sure about
37:52And if I don’t make it, I have to start spraying those ones. So, I have basically 3 ropes
38:02Done – With water? – Everything above 5 seconds I’m not happy with
38:08Now it’s happening. It’s actually nerve-wracking
38:15Okay, we’re going
38:21There, this one is down
38:27It won’t be 3,8, but…
38:30Oh, something is happening
38:34I think they’re down. They’re down now
38:38Yes – I had something like this – Yes, you had a clamping
38:42All in all, it worked according to plan, I’m satisfied, it could have gone faster
38:48Thanks – Thanks
38:55Very good – It was fast and impressive and there’s no doubt that you kind of had the same idea as brothers here
39:02But, there is a but – There were reactions in the audience and up here, can’t you take a look under you chair
39:09Just see if you have something down there
39:12It’s the task’s text. Just read it
39:15I know where you’re going with this – Yes, but we’d like to rub it in -Yes, I get that
39:21All ducks have to be torn down, you have to stand behind the white line when the duck fall, You CANNOT touch the ducks – No you can’t
39:37That means that Maria and Vegard are disqualified, Bård was the fastest
39:41So we can take a look after 4 tasks here, it’s pretty even, pretty even
39:51It’s close and even before the very last task and we will as always the last task here on stage
39:59So go to your places
40:06Here you’re standing with a blindfold on your eyes, you know that
40:10And you were given balloons. The one who has the biggest balloon, when I blow this whistle Aafer 30 seconds, wins. Good and easy. Any questions?
40:19– No
40:21Fine, then we start in 3,2,1
40:32Is it allowed to have one in standby?
40:38You just have to blow. There are still more than 15 seconds left
40:44Come on, Siri. The biggest one wins
40:48Now it’s 6,5,4,3,2,1
40:56And time, time’s up
41:04You can take off the blindfold
41:07Take off the blindfold – Can we take off the blindfolds – Yes
41:11Now Atle… I feel it’s pretty clear who… - It’s pretty clear that Vegard has the biggest balloon
41:18So, you get the first place
41:32So, Vegard, you come in at the top, Bård, you get 4 points, Maria 3, Siri 2 and Calle get the last place
41:39And that gives us this total list here, let’s see
41:46This means that Vegard is the winner of today’s show and gets to go with he whole prize pot which is over here, Come and enjoy yourself with your prize pot, Vegard
41:58Can I say one thing? – Yes
42:00Totalised it looks like this, but we know that there are many tasks left. Nothing is decided
42:07See you next week